Merry Christmas

So it has been almost a month since my last entry. Funny thing about my writing, I feel that when I am happy I do not have much to say so it seems strange this time of year for me not to write.
I have always been a Christmas blues kind of person and I have been trying to figure out how to explain it. But this last month has been pretty good so I will start with the good.

I applied for a new job and had an interview the day before Thanksgiving. The interview went well. Really well. Which followed a few days after I found out that if I stayed in the department I am in I got a schedule better than I have now. So I thought either way the new year will be OK. But after 2 weeks of not hearing anything about the job I was starting to feel like I would have heard something by now then I got a 4 in Care.Which means I had a call listened to and I hit all 24 dimensions that they want us to in a call which is pretty cool because some of them I struggle to get. I have only gotten two 4's in a year and a half  and then finally I heard from HR, I got the job. Woo Hoo! So the first full week in January I start my new job. It is closer to home than my current job. Only about 10 minutes away at a satellite office. I will be doing dispatching of techs and helping techs solve problems. During my interview they had asked if I wanted to stay and see what they do. I felt like that was very positive. Why would they ask me to stay if they didn't like me? Right. Both people I sat with both before and after the interview were very good at what they do but man were they multi-tasking to the max. I have in the past worked at jobs where I had to do lots of things at once and try to keep all the balls in the air. So I thought this is going to be a challenge. But I do feel it is one I am up for. So just one more week of taking calls from customers and then off to a new department and new people and new bosses in a new building. So just a little nervous. But I have one friend that I sat next to in training a year and a half ago and she has been in the department for a few months and loves it, so I am glad there will be a familiar face to go with all this change.

Alright so, So far so good right. Well this time of year always brings sappy commercials that make me cry and Christmas episodes of shows that are always touching which make me cry and Christmas music oh yes, it makes me cry. So this time of year I feel like everything makes me cry. One of the songs that has always been a tear jerk-er for me is Silent Night. The words and the meaning of this song make me cry every time I hear it. An image that comes to my head is Christmas 2004, my nephew's first Christmas. Seeing him in church his little green onesie that had a Christmas tree on it. and just knowing he was what this song is about when they say mother and child. Seeing the priest hold him up as a proud new addition to the church on Christmas Eve. But a more recent song that seems to do the same is Happy Xmas. As I looked up the lyrics this morning I did not know that this was not an original U2 song but was originally sung by John Lennon. Hmm. It figures but honestly did not know it.

"And so this is Christmas and what have you done." So you already got me looking back on the last year. Did I do the things I set out to do. Last year I thought it good that Brian and I survived. We did not put up a tree my sister and her kids decorated a table top live tree for us. But this year we did. But I still had to rely on another sister to bring it to the house. I used to enjoy picking out a tree. But I love a real tree. I don't care what anyone says. Right now the only thing I can smell is that fresh pine scent and I wish we could keep it all year. I love the lights. But still this year things have been a challenge for me. I have felt like sometimes I am still stuck and can not get past something. I have some good days and feel like I accomplish things but most days I feel like I have merely existed. That part needs to stop because then I feel regret for wasting the past year on what. So I have really been trying to pick small things I want to change. And fix them. I am talking small household projects and putting a little effort in so that I remember what it is like to feel like I accomplished something..

"I hope you have fun." We did go Christmas Caroling again this year. This is something my family and my friend's family did 2 years ago. I decided my gift to all of them was really going to be a gift to me. When we were kids a family that we babysat for took us caroling on the Trolley that runs on the beach. The family rented one of the trolley's for the evening and we went and looked at Christmas lights and sang carols. This is by far my happiest Christmas memory. And 2 years ago when I was unemployed I decided that to give something to everyone and give myself a pick me up I would rent a trolley and put some music on the ipod and a caroling we went.

"The near and the dear ones, the old and the young." That was the last Christmas we had Grandma and she went. She had all her Grand kids and Great Grand kids together and she had a great time. It was freezing that night but we had hot chocolate and treats of all kinds. This year it was my mom who has been in the hospital a few times and the thought of my own mortality is always in my head when visiting someone in the hospital so I am glad we did it again.

"For the weak and the strong and the rich and the poor ones the road is so long." This line makes me think of all the people who don't have anything material in life but try to do right and give to others and charity. This is where I try but seem to fall short of my own expectations. Which reminds me of when I was in 6th grade. I was volunteering at my old elementary school in the library and the the librarian who was a very strict lady for the life of me I can not think of her name but I know her last name began with a V. Strange that I remember that but the way my mind remembers things I will usually picture a letter or number in my head that relates to what I am trying to remember but it will come to me with time when I least expect it. She told me that it was my responsibility to do for others because I am smart and have the ability. She used the example that some people it is difficult to pick up a pencil and hold it in their hands and some will have to try and practice just to do this simple task that for me comes so easily. I am sure most would not remember this lecture I got in the back of the library but it always stuck with me that I do not try hard enough and I should appreciate the things that come easy. I wish I knew how to tell the children of this generation to savor their joys in life in a way that would be memorable and maybe not leave the guilt that I feel when I try to remind myself of that.

"Let's hope it's a good one without any fear." This is a hard one to explain. I have mentioned my fears already my own and the mortality of others. I worry there is not enough time to do everything for everyone and sometimes that brings me to a point where I can do nothing for anyone. Not even myself. In the past I have been told by numerous people that I need to worry more about myself and less about others and not be so Co-Dependent. Funny thing about this advice. It has come from all different sources. But the best is when it comes from someone I am doing for. And I have asked... Which thing I do for you should I stop doing? Well now there is a question that will stop the other end of Co-dependence it it's tracks. It is easy to say don't do for others but what are you willing to give up. Again, This is a lesson I would like to teach people to be good to yourself but there is so much joy in doing for others. I am the it is so much better to give than receive person. That is the point behind the trolley. I got so much out of giving it to others. This year others were having a hard time agreeing on a date or if they had the money to spend on going. I did not think I could put out the entire price again. But it is funny once I put up the money and said, "the Trolley will be here on Friday night at 7" we had a trolley full. We have so many others that want to go we may need to do it twice or have 2 trolley's next year. Last stop we stopped at a house and there he was the man in red himself. The kids got to go see Santa and he even posed with the big guys. My brother probably was not thrilled but it made me smile oh yes and cry. And guess what. The money all came back. The saying goes whatever you give you will get back. Not only the joy of going but everyone found the money to go as well. Even if they hadn't it did not matter to me.

I mentioned above how I did not know what to write about and how I remember things like seeing a letter or number. Well as I was trying to think about what to write this song was what popped in my head. I looked up the lyrics and realized that they explain the blues I feel. And maybe when you hear the song you will think of the near and the dear, the old and the young and I will finish with the simple lyric "Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I hope it's a good one without any fear."

I would like to thank John Lennon for putting my feelings to words.