The last few months

Over the last few months I have stopped and started more posts than I have probably started and stopped in the entire life of me writing this blog. Most of the time when I write it is a one and done. But lately I can't put the thoughts together the way they normally flow so I stop and think I will finish that thought tomorrow but the next time I sit down to write the thoughts don't fit or I can't finish so I start again and again and again. So after talking to a friend today at work I thought maybe I would combine them into one post and share some of what I have been going through. I was telling this friend at work about the other night when I was looking over a dining room table full of measuring cups that my sisters pulled down from the top cabinet and washed and sat out for us to decide which we wanted to keep and which we were going to part with. While this was going on I kept looking at the table overwhelmed with memories. My sister Beth said what is the matter, do you want them boxed up, do want the table cleaned off before we leave. I just kept looking at the sea of measuring cups. I decided to share what I was going through. I picked up a thick glass measuring cup and said, "mom used to use this measuring cup to measure powdered laundry detergent when we were kids." I picked up a pitcher and said, "mom used to make Donald Duck frozen orange juice in the pitcher." My mom would save bacon fat in the refrigerator in a one cup measuring cup. These are not memories I think about everyday. These are memories that came flooding back when I saw the measuring cups. My friend at work thought it was great that I have memories attached to the items but by seeing the items it brought back all these memories. There was a set of holiday glasses from Long John Silver from back in the 1990's. I asked Beth if she knew why mom saved them. She said, "I know it has something to do with me but I don't know." I first said that they were from Long John Silvers and mom knew that when Beth met her husband when he worked there. So my mom thought it would remind them of when they first met. They were washed and Beth took them home.

4/20/16 Four days before mom's birthday.
So this is a quick start after watching the end of the movie Wild and a shower so it is kind of a before the hot water runs out and before I have to go to work. I have been reading Ernest Hemingway's A Moveable Feast, a book about his youthful years in Paris writing and living this poor Parisian life but rich with friends and living. And then over the last few days I have watched the movie Wild. I had to break it in half because I started to late one night to watch the whole thing but I found that the movie was based on a book written by a woman Cheryl Strayed. Over the last few days I have read about her because seeing the movie which is based on a portion of her life after her mother died and she decided to walk the Pacific Crest Trail. Something both her and Hemingway say is that they have to work to write. She thought she had something in her and thought it would write itself and Hemingway speaks of how he has to train to write. Which is what made me decide I had to write even if I only have 20 minutes. I will finish tonight. But just like walking a trail or writing a novel you must walk. Put one foot in front of the other. And even if I only can take 5 steps and have to go to work at least I walked those 5 steps and I will take 5 more tonight and it may take a long time but if I don't start I can never finish.

I also realized this morning after the movie that her loosing her mother and I losing mine is not the same. She was much younger and her mom was my age. Her mom thought she had so much more life and always looked at the positive side of whatever happened. She was happy she came out on the other side.

4/22/16 Two days before mom's birthday.
Today I did some things that I have been promising myself that I would do and now they are done. I don't feel relieved or that a burden has been lifted. I still feel the same. I have more tasks just like this that I am going to have to do and I don't think they are going to make me feel better either. I don't really know what will. But on the way down to the beach today I was listening to the radio and heard the song "Landslide" by Stevie Nicks. It was an acoustic version but the words made me cry. People see me in the car and think there is that lady crying again in her car.

But at the beginning Stevie Nicks says something like this is for you Dad. Which made me think what I was about to do. This is for you mom. Hope I am doing the right thing. So the song talks about a child handling the changes in their life, Life is always changing. I feel like once I get through a change the next one is lining up to wack me in the back of the head. I question my ability to handle all of the changes in my life. I see people with bigger problems and wonder why can't I handle my issues as well as they do their's? Why is everything such a big deal to me? Why can't I shake some of these things off and move on?

And then the next line of the song says it all, " I've built my life around you." I see everything I have ever done for my mom, all the doctor appointments, all the trips to the bank to the grocery store. All the times she asked me to be the grown up when I wasn't and all the times as an adult that I have just wanted to crawl into a cave or walk away from whatever trouble that I didn't want to deal with or felt I can't handle. Maybe part of it was facing that one day I would be facing just this. Her death and whatever comes next. Do I want to be like her after her mother died? Do I want to sit in the house and smoke cigarettes and drink coke and fade away? Deny that there is anything wrong and hope it will get better by seeing a doctor but changing nothing. In someways that is exactly what I do. I want to lose weight but I make minimal changes and then cry that they don't make a major difference. Is that my landslide? I see the scene of I "climb the mountain and turn around". Do you see my reflection in the snow covered hill, well the landslide brought me down. When I heard that part I see her walking away and turning back for one last look but I can't bring her back down. Not even a Landslide can bring her back down. And which her do I get the sick bedridden mom or the one that still has a chance to make a change. Maybe that is what I cry for I need to make the change. I need to do it and no one else can. Maybe I only cry because mom is gone but I cry for myself because if I don't change will the landslide bring me down.

4/30/16 A little break from all the sadness.
Today Brian and I attended the second game in round two of the Lightning playoffs against the New York Islanders. For future readers the Lightning won, 4-1. We sat in the 5th row on the goal end that the Lightning defend twice, thanks to Brian's friend Arnold who had to work. The excitement of a live hockey game is amazing and I think even if you don't know much about hockey you could enjoy a live game.

Maybe a week or so ago I was on my way to work and heard a Lightning commercial on the radio and thought, they have the best advertising gimmick ever. The Lightning ask the listener to "Be the Thunder". You can't have Lightning without Thunder and no Thunder without the Lightning. Great game and a great afternoon.

5/27/16 Take a break.
A little rest for the weary is always good so one week of vacation down. Visited the In-laws and enjoyed some nice cool weather. Road a train and took a bus tour. Listened to some folk music and some poetry. Even read out loud a few things I have written. Enjoyed all of it.

Really enjoyed the folk music by a guy named David Wiseman. He is very clever. Or maybe I just think so because I get his sense of humor. He said during his performance the three cords and the truth will get you a good folk song. Well from what I could tell he has a good thing going. He sang words that made you listen because he was telling you a tale. It may not have been his story but it was a good story none the less.

So then that same evening I went along with Brian and his parents to hear a open mic poetry reading. I told the lady that owned the tea shop that I liked to write and she encouraged me to come back and bring something to share. Well I took two things. The poem I wrote For the Love of Lilly and A Day at the Beach with Mom something I wrote while sitting with mom. Very nervously I signed up and one by one I heard people read and recite poetry that they had written. I am not sure why the world enjoys watching CNN because listening to these people brought tears to my eyes it was so beautiful. I can't understand why people don't look for that beauty. It is out there.

7/5/16 One step forward a few years back. 
A busy day off today. I took a step. A big step for myself. I took some of the items from my mother's house to an auction house. The people were very nice and explained how it works and it wasn't horrible which I thanked them for it not being awful. That seems strange but even small steps are hard and I feel like I can do this again. Bring them more things and let them go. I am not letting go of everything but it is a start.
Later this evening I read at an event in St. Pete at a small art gallery. Again the people there made it better. I read the Day at the Beach with Mom and had some trouble making it through with out pausing to compose myself. But the round of applause when I was finished I am not sure if it was for what I had written or for the bravery to stand up there in front of maybe 30 or 40 people and cry. The reassurance I received afterwards was reward enough for my bravery. A woman spoke of her mother's death years ago and that she wished that she would have written about her when it was still fresh in her mind. And another person took the time to tell me that mom would have been proud of me. I hope so.
Some big steps for me when lately I have not been feeling my strongest. I am putting plans in place and am ready to keep moving forward.
When I am going through things at the house I just keep thinking in my head. Do I love this?  Billie and I were going through more clothes yesterday and it is funny we had 3 piles sentimental, garbage and retro. Mom always saved her clothes from the 60's and there were some from the 80's that were clearly our clothes as kids but she held on to them. The sentimental pile was not as big as some would think 3 or 4 things. I don't think I will keep them but still not sure. And that takes me back to the do I love this. Not did mom. Not does someone else but me. This is making it a little easier on some items.
While going through things we found 2 t-shirts that we painted Happy Anniversary on for our parents 11th wedding anniversary which I would have been 10. It is funny, I think my sister Beth had to have made the one because listed under all of our names was Pooh Bear. It was in the sentimental pile. The retro pile I will wash and see if I can find a retro store that might be interested. The idea of selling it to someone that specializes in the stuff makes me feel like mom saved the stuff like a bank acct and because it held some value to her. She just never got around to letting someone else enjoy it after her.
So the roller coaster ups and downs well maybe not roller coaster maybe sometimes it feels like the tea cups. But I keep pressing on trying to make progress I can see what I have gotten rid of and there are plenty of things to spill out of closets and take the space of the the things I have removed.

8/1/16 A break with the kids.
So had a great weekend with Brian and my youngest nieces and nephew. Took them down near Punta Gorda to go on a snorkel trip. Some of us had never done it before but everyone did great. Everyone had a great time and saw all kinds of cool stuff.

This is one of those days that as we drove home I kept thinking I would really love to tell mom how good the kids were and how much fun we had. How we swam in the pool and went out to eat and how they all behaved and everything else about today. Swimming, snorkeling and seeing a dolphin and all kinds of living creatures under the water. Some might argue she was there with us sitting on the boat enjoying the sun for the afternoon. Hanging out with the Captain watching all of us swim and call out to her what we were seeing. The kids may have even brought some of the coolest things over to the boat to show her. She would have loved the birds and the boat and even eating lunch afterwards at Leverocks. She would of loved being with the kids.

If you stuck with me through this whole post you have been on the ups and downs. I have made forward progress but every once in a while I take a step back and have a set back but at the end of the day I know there is a goal and it will be accomplished.

Reading and Writing and Stuff

So back in April I wrote a post about being Sentimental or is it Sediment. I just finished re-reading it and well. I wish I could say that my position on the subject had changed or that I have found the answer or seen the light. I have not. I am still wrestling with the stuff and the memories. Now I am not saying that we have not gotten rid of more stuff. A total of 11 bags of clothes have been donated and about 4 thrown out which is amazing considering the lady only wore about 3 outfits. And I am not talking kitchen garbage bags I am talking 30 gallon outdoor trash bags. Since then I have taken some 10 boxes of stuff to an antique auction and am still waiting for the results of how that has done. So stuff is going away. Craigslist has not been the help I thought it would be to get rid of some of the furnishings but I am going to post the items again. Now that it is time for kids to go back to school maybe some first time apartment owner could use a dining room table and chairs or a bookshelf. I could only hope that they would also want the books on the shelf as well but I doubt we will be that lucky.

The thing that I have kind of morphed my thoughts of my mom's stuff and her memory to me and my stuff and the memory of me. If mom's stuff doesn't matter to others than neither will mine and I have devalued myself to a place I would prefer not to be. There are things that the memories are so strong when I look at in her house and I think no one is going to look at anything and hold me that dear. I will give the strangest example: My mom had a cat years ago that would pee on anything to mark it. So to keep the cat from peeing on mom's shoes she used to pick them up and sit them on a dining room chair. Well the cat died years ago but mom always continued to pick up her shoes and sit them on the chair. And after she passed I noticed one day the shoes sitting on the chair and I thought to pick them up and throw them out. And then I looked at them. Hmm. I see them in my head right now and the tears are running down my face. It is just a stupid pair of deck shoes but I swear if they are tossed now I would be so upset. It has been suggested to me to take a picture of them to remind me of her habit. I know I am not going to bring the chair and the shoes to my house to sit in my dining room. I will end up getting rid of them but for now they sit there.

So my own new found personal lack of value is a self destructive thing that I know is just over thinking the whole thing. But the great thing about my brain is I just don't let go of it. The thoughts sit in my head and get stirred around within my daily thoughts and now I found myself wishing for happier thoughts and brighter days.

I am hoping by writing these things down that I can let them go. I have thought them they are of no value to me and now they can be gone. I am going to say on a positive note that even though I have not posted anything recently I have written some. Still not finished with a poem that I carry in my purse just in case the thoughts to complete it all come together one day when I am not near pen and paper. But I also have attended a reading of fiction and non-fiction at an art gallery in St. Pete. It was very nice and I did read the piece I wrote for mom. Yes, I cried but when I was done the lady in charge said that mom would be proud of me for reading it. And another lady said she wished she would have written after her mother passed. So over all that was a good experience and I would like to write something new between now and September when there will be another reading event. Something a little less close to my heart even though that is where the writing comes from so I doubt I can distance my heart from my writing.

Well the sun is starting to come up and I feel a little bit better. I have shared a memory or two and spilled more tears and of my guts than I probably should but I will head back to bed.

Hear is to happier days.