Nerves, nervousness, scared to death. Don't know which I am? Biggest fear on Monday was that I would show up at the new job and it not be my job. That I did not get the job. See I had not talked to anyone from the new office and even my contact with HR was through IM so I worried that when I got to the new office they would ask who I was and what I was doing there.
Now that I have worked a few days I have the feeling I am not sure what I am doing. I don't have the confidence I had last week at work at the other office. You know the feeling after you have been a a job for a while and the days pass by and you see the same people, take your break at the same time. Walk the same halls. You know who the new people are and you are not one of them. You feel for them and want them to fit in but are thankful for the familiarity that comes with being at the same place for a while.
But now I am the new person. The person no one knows that has to introduce themselves to everyone. Yes, and with my name that adds a whole new worry. Most people don't remember your name when they first meet you but they can look at your name tag and all play along until they know who you are. Nope. Got to be different. Don't look at my name tag you will mess yourself up for sure. And then I have a choice ignore or correct? It isn't really a choice it has become a rule. Will I have to talk to you on a regular basis then correct, a person I meet in passing that will rarely have contact with ignore. Again since I don't know who the people are that I will talk to everyday I am correcting or reminding people when they try to introduce me to another co-worker and stand there with a look I am all to familiar with and I have to introduce myself and say my name is Jeanne oh well for those of you that don't know me personally you probably think I pronounce it Jean or Jeannie, no it is Jean like Jean-Claude Van Damme (actor) or Jean Luc Picard (Captain on Star Trek Next Generation), Jean Lafitte (Pirate), my dads favorite as a kid was Jean-Claude Killy (an Olympic snow skier from the 1960's). He had to reach when I was a kid. So by the 1980's and Jean Claude Van Damme came along it did make it easier at least there was someone out there that used the pronunciation that I do. Do not use Jon Benet Ramsey. That is not the same at all and I did not like the idea of being tied to a child pageant star but definitely do not want to be tied to a child murder victim.
I know I say it all the time I did not know this was what I was going to write about tonight I thought it was going to be about being nervous about being new but as I typed I remembered my name. I had not ever addressed the fact that the casual reader does not know how to say my name which all ties to this whole being the new person. No one named Shelly or Kelly or Susan have to explain how to pronounce their name and they do not have to explain how they got their name when they meet new people. They do not have to repeat their names so many times that whatever the other person is saying I just say yes Dawn. That is it. And my all time favorite question, can you hear the sarcasm? Again if you can't you do not know me but is there, but is there something else I can call you? No. Not "no" like maybe make up some cute name for me. "No". Like I do not have a nick name. The only names other than my own I have ever been called were mean and yes, I do remember them and will not repeat them today. Already not feeling confident so I don't need to remind myself of how people would pick on me and make up names to call me in school.
So, I am not sure if my anxiety is exactly the same as everyone elses or if I make it worse because of my name and the feeling of am I going to make someone feel bad or feel like I am being rude when I say just call me my name I have used all my life. Or Ok, if I call you by the wrong name then it will be fine for you to call me the wrong name. People do not realize how personal a name is until they mess with mine. There were times when I was young I was going to change my name as soon as I was old enough. I could not decide what I would be. I would think about names and I even thought of using my middle name Marie which is also my Grandma Helen's middle name but Marie is not really me. This was when I was in 9th grade. I know that because it was the year of my Confirmation at church and you have to pick a Saint's name and I stuck with Marie but I then looked at a name I had always known to be Joan of Arc but did not know until then that Joan was not Joan at all, she to was Jeanne or Jean but definitely the french pronunciation the same as me. Then when the Joan of Arc movies came out in 1999 I knew why my name was Jeanne. Yes, I was 32 years old and maybe a slow study but I knew that my name was my name because I was like her. I did not think she was crazy. Joan that is. If you don't know that Joan of Arc went to the Prince of France as a young girl and said she could help him win the war and keep his country from the English. Well she was just a girl from a small town who has visions from God. Skip to the end she is found to be guilty of witchcraft under the English Law and is burnt at the stake in the middle of town at the age of 19. She believed what she believed to be true and would not say she was crazy or a witch to save herself. The messages she was hearing were from God. I do believe that strongly in the truth and I understood that is why my name is Jeanne and not Jean or Jeannie. And now you do to.
