Touched by God

I am sharing this today because I do not want to carry it with me any longer. It has been written down since the days after it happened. I did not know when to share it. Since it was already written down. Usually for my mind that is enough. I have continually felt that I need to share it but is the time right. Well it is Dec 31 and as the year draws to a close I want to try to look forward not so hard to cause anxiety but not to look back and drop back into depression. So today I share just how God can help a family through such a tragedy. Let it give hope to those that have suffered similar tragedy this year.

Have you ever been touched by God? I have. I know it sounds weird maybe even crazy but as these events happened I knew it. I knew I could not go through this day alone and even surrounded by family it was not enough. But on May 9, 2012 I experienced how all of heaven was with us that day.

We were preparing to attend a private viewing of Brian's sister Lisa, daughter Amber and grand daughter Lilly. First we were going by their house with Brian's parents. They had not been there yet. Brian and I were yesterday but I felt that this might be too much with his parents.

We all got out of the cars and paused at the memorial outside the house. Typical of what you see on TV when some horrific act of violence has taken place. Candles, balloons, stuffed animals and even a children's prayer book and a wooden cross with their names on it. Brian's brother had walked us through the events of the week before yesterday but like I said this is the first time for his parents. Brian's brother and father walked through and Brian and I waited for his mom. I knew she did not need to hear what I heard the day before but I did not know what to say. As we were walking in the house we stopped at the entrance and she saw the bullet hole in the wall. She put her hand up to it and asked if this was where it happened and I said, yes. She looked down to the floor. The carpet had been removed but there was a moving blanket covering the concrete. She said, all of them and I said, Yes. I did not feel anymore details were needed. And I knew knowing more was not going to make it any easier. We went to Brittany's room where an angel as big as the wall was painted by Brian's father when the girls were small to watch over his grand babies. Now the guardian that protected Brittany. As she saved her life while Brittany hid a week before. Another reminder that Brittany's life had been spared. Not once but twice.

As we walked back outside the sky was getting dark. Clouds rolling in. The wind was picking up. One last pause out front a reminder that we would never return.

I have never seen anything but clear skies in Arizona but today was not a normal day. We headed to the funeral home to the viewing I do not think any of us were prepared for.  As we arrived the sky was now dark with clouds and the wind blew across an open field so hard it pushed us out of the car and into the funeral home along with huge drops of rain falling.  The kind of wind when you open the umbrella it turns inside out. As we all got in the door it slammed shut protecting us from the violent storm outside.

We stood together as a family. Waiting while the last minute flowers were arranged. We held hands and prayed for strength as we did the wind blew outside through the alcove it sounded like screams. It was unreal. I have never heard anything like it before.

The doors opened. Am I prepared? The thought that I had never seen Lilly other than in pictures on Brian's phone. We walked in as a group. Brian and I hung back. His parents walked to Lisa as Hugo and Brittany walked to Amber and Lilly. They are together. I kept thinking can I do this?

I don't remember which we went to first. Amber and Lilly together. Beautiful Lilly. Her little hand wrapped around Amber's finger. She is adorable. Why had we never visited? And Amber the last time we saw her she and Brittany were trying to take care of themselves after the car accident that had hospitalized their mom for 9 months.

We greeted friends and family. Lilly's father part of me wanted to blame him. But it is no more his fault than anyone else. Lisa had only a few very close friends. I don't remember their names but there were 2 of them that visited with her and provided moral support. They were very supportive today especially of Brittany. God help her. Amber's husband Brandon, we told them to wait to get married but young people do what young people do.

It is now just drizzling out. I stood outside with Brian. Brandon came over and said he remembered us visiting the last time and what a great time the girls had with us. Again I thought to blame. But it would again not do any good.

We went back inside. Brian's parents were ready to go. One last time to see them. I had my mother's day cards I had written for each. I put them next to their hand. I touched Lilly's little hand and wondered again, Why? I brushed Amber's telling her to take care of her precious baby until we meet again. Brian said he wanted to touch Lisa's hand as well. I told her she will never feel pain again.

As we left the rain had stopped the sky was clearing. We had made it. We can get through this. I don't know what we were talking about in the car but I commented on the sky again. What a beautiful sunset. Pink and purple clouds. It was when it all made sense.

God was so sad to see us suffer through this day. The wind howling, sounding like screams, the rain first the large tear drops of Angels and then the pouring rain from all of Heaven and clouds rolling across the sky. But now clear skies and a beautiful sunset. We are all going to be ok and Lisa, Amber and Lilly along with Jim are now safe with Him forever.

Christmas

I heard a great story tonight in church. I am going to tell it as I remember so forgive me if it is not exact.

When the Shah Jahan's of India's favorite wife died he was grief stricken. And decided to build a great temple in her honor. He placed the coffin in the center of the property and started construction of the Taj Mahal. After a period of time he no longer thought of his favorite wife and his sorrow. He only thought of the construction details. One day when walking from one side of the construction site to the other he tripped over a wooden box and wiped the dust from his leg and said who would leave this box in the middle of the floor and had it tossed out.

Who would go to the trouble to build a building in honor of a person he loved so much and then after a period of time discard the person it was built for. How could you forget the reason for all the hard work and all the time and money spent.

Which made me think of church and Christmas. Rev Vicky always finds a way to shed light on something sometimes forgotten. Tonight after listening I thought it reminded me that the we build churches in honor of God and when you go it is to be closer to God and hope some of that closeness carries over into the parking lot and the rest of the week. And for those that only go a few times a year it must carry over until Easter. But do not forget that the reason for the celebration tomorrow is not just that you didn't have to work and you get to spend time with family, or that is wonderful and eat all kinds of delicious food. But you are celebrating the birth of Jesus. He is as some say too often the "Reason for the Season". It is the joy of his birth that we are celebrating not the new ipad or smart tv you got for Christmas. The birth of a man that would save the world one day from itself. So we all could enjoy all that Heaven has to offer.

So as you unwrap your gifts try to remember the joy of the birth of your child if you have one. I imagine that is what Mary and Joseph were feeling on that first Christmas morning. So pleased with their new son. Amazed by the words they had been told by Angels are coming true right before their eyes.

I hope I have told the story correct enough to get the point across. I was touched by it and reminded it doesn't matter what I get tomorrow. As long as when the time comes I get to go to Heaven.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

To Old Friends

Well Tonight is going to be a sunshine moment. Brian and I are going to dinner with some of my oldest friends. Eckerd Friends. I wish I could have them all together. Over the years there have been store friends and corporate friends. Lunch Bunch friends. Most of my Eckerd friends I have had for more than 20 years.

Like my job at Eckerd's my friends from then are all still attached to me. There are the ones that were from the store and still work for CVS in the stores like Lisa, Lill and of course Tracy. There are friends that moved from the stores to corporate like Andy, Cindy, Jana, Kim, Linda, Mo, Scotty, Shelly and me. Friends that moved on to better things like Erik, Keith and Brian and when I say better I don't me the big W. There are those that moved away like Alane, Steve, Mary, Scott and Margie. There is even a Dr. amongst us Kim B. I can not forget Joy who wins most likely to quit a job and surprise the crap out of all of us. If you don't know how Joy quit ask Brian he was there that morning when Bob Sanders learned who not to mess with.

There are old times with Frank and Cindy the night Steve's baby was delivered and Keith, Kim, and I were all at the hospital. I have attended so many weddings for these people listed. Most have been to our house and we have caught up on what is going on in our lives now but we always talk about the funny times we had at Eckerd. The night I stayed for floor cleaning with Scott and Margie and the floor cleaners truck was parked out front and a drunk driver hit his truck over the park bench up on the curb and through the window of the convenience store next door. It was the loudest bang and quick hide the beer under the desk. The floor cleaner walked outside saw his truck have way to the produce and walked back in Eckerd and finished cleaning the store. Not much else he could do. Scott drove him home but could not strap the floor cleaning machine to the back of the Fiero so it was left until the next day.

Oh yeah. Steve super gluing his eye closed. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to touch your eyes when handling super glue.

The night the bales out back were caught on fire and poor Linda was re baling what was left to clean up the mess and she looked like she had just followed Santa down the dirtiest chimney ever.

Mo moved away with Jason and came back after the demise of Brooks. Jason moved on to Rite Aid  with some of the Eckerd Corporate folks. Then Mo came home and went back to the store but all Tammy had was midnights. So  I got him to work with me again. I am sure I told him it was terrible but I doubt he had any idea what he was getting into. But again new friends have been made and here we are. We had our funny moments at both jobs. Watching video of stupid people doing retarded things in front of the camera.

The night before Fred Forester retired Lisa and I were hanging balloons in the pharmacy and putting up streamers and I fell and broke my arm. Only I would sit on the floor and laugh and cry at the same time. I had been making fun of Lisa for being a wimp and wearing a wrist brace and here I slipped when stepping on a stool and fell. I did suck it up until the next day before I had it x-ray ed and found out it was broke.

Fred Forester was the first to expose me and Keith to talk radio. Bob Lassiter. I could listen all afternoon. Look him up online if you never heard him while he was alive. He has a great Christmas story that will make you cry for sure. Keith and I would sneak back just to listen for a few minutes at a time.

Keith. Do I need to say anymore. He and I made straightening a store into a competition. We would hide things in the others section to see how long it would take until they found it. We would set a time and say we will be done by 10 and then goof off the rest of the night together.  Pay each other astronomical amounts of money to work when the other wanted off. Him and Steve pulled the ladder away while I was up on top of the office where we stored the paper products. Steve used to jump from the top of one bin to the other. They were only about 20 feet off the ground. But we were teenagers. Invincible.

Everyone knew Andy and if you knew Andy you knew Comfy. The perfect name for her. When I was at store 7 with Andy it was like having your mom and dad watching over you. Comfy would bring food and if Andy didn't eat it she would call me and tell me to. The kids that worked there Shelly, Kevin and Rose was not a kid but she was always there. I see Shelly every once in a while. Ironically she is linked to Tracy through her dear friend Susan's son Brandon who ironically I babysat him when he was a kid and now they to have kids of their own.  If we weren't picking one up to make sure they showed up for work we were buying lunch or a soda to get them to work. I always found that to be a great way to get them to work.

Tracy turned 30 and I teased her like she was turning a 100. We have had 20 years of birthdays since then and each one she gets better with. For her 50th I had her flocked with pink flamingos. We had our picture taken with them. I remember when Amanda was born and this summer I was at the hospital after Amanda had her son Quinn. This is a multi-generational friendship. I took pictures for her son and niece's weddings. And her niece has a daughter that shares my birthday.

So tonight to Friends!

Forgive and Forget

It has been a few weeks since I wrote anything. Funny how my mood swings down and I have more to say when they swing up I have less.

I have been thinking of grudges and how we hold on to them. Since Brian and I have been married I have had a rule for us that I can and will go to bed mad but when I wake up tomorrow he is the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with and there is no point in being mad. I will kiss him goodbye and we will be ok. It is sometimes difficult to forget what I was mad over as I am sure sometimes he feels the same but we promised till death do us part and those of you that know me well know that I have always said and I am willing to kill him. You have to be committed. (It is a Joke.)

We had a fight years ago about what I have no idea and as far as I know he does not remember either but that night I was furious. I can remember how mad but for the life of me I have no idea what we were arguing about. I had told him that night I wish you would hit me because I want to punch you and then I was serious. We now kid each other that he wishes he would have taken me up on the offer. I tell him you should of because it probably won't happen again. Which brings me to forgiving and forgetting.

Since I remember everything I find it funny that I don't remember what I was mad at that night and it doesn't matter because that was one day years ago. And we have had lots of days since that we are happy together.

So why do we hold the grudge. Why do we put so much effort into being mad. When I was younger I would commit a lot of time to being mad and even hating people. I would find a way to make it miserable for them and myself. I am not sure when it changed for me. I was certainly an adult, might have even been 30 or more before I learned that it did not pay. Up until that point I would relish the time that I made the person's life miserable. But Why?

I will not use the example in my head because I have not forgotten but I have forgiven .

But lets say a family member does you wrong as a child or maybe a adult. They may have left you and went off to live on their own. You can only be mad for so long and that person is still family. I know there are limits to forgiveness and I do not expect people to forget or forgive abuse. But I know children that live in homes with no parents and people are paid to supervise them. And as far as I know no one reading this grew up in a foster home or a boarding house because your parents did not want to be bothered with you. Maybe your parents did not raise you but a loving relative did. And even so you are now grown and have a life of your own and a family maybe it was for the best. That is what I think. Everything happens for a reason and if I did not live through my childhood I could not help others deal with theirs.

I know a lady that has 2 kids one lives with her and the other her mother. Why? I don't understand. What I do know is both children are loved and you can not blame your parents forever. Well you can but it is not good for you and it doesn't matter to them. The person who left you is gone and you might as well move on with those that stuck around and raised you.

Words are so harsh and sharp when said with anger. And one never knows what tomorrow brings so why hold the grudge. Let it go. My dad would say when we were kids that if given the opportunity my brother and sisters and I would argue over the time of day. He was right. But today, we all like each other, help each other and would do anything for the others kids.

Since Christmas is a season for children I think we revert back and remember things from our younger years that may have been a disappointment but at this point in life we need to forgive them. Love the family you have around you. Share your life and your children. Show your children that there is love around and teach them to forgive. Not to hold the grudge and hate. Let your children know that if they are ever that mad at you that they can trust the family around you. That they love you and would never hurt your children. Reach out to the family members you have not spoken to and forgive them. I know it is hard and it does not go away instantly but it does fade with time. You may be surprised. Sometimes there is more joy to be had with the family you thought you did not want than there is being alone.

When your head is in that place of hate and fury you are alone even when there are people all around. This I know from personal experience. As for any of you who feel unloved this season. If you are reading this I am thinking of you. I care and would do anything for you or your family.  And I understand depression and that you can not help the place you are. You may not be able to find your way out but there are people to help. Talk to someone, anyone. I am always here and have advice for you. You may not be ready for the advice but maybe you are ready to talk. I will listen and I do not pass judgement. I think that is why I have friends that I would never be mad at. I forgive them for anything they do because there are so many more days of joy than there are of anger. And I would not trade those joyful days for anything.

Love you my friends and family.

Christmas Season

Well, I come up with the strangest ideas in the strangest places. I have been sick the last few days laying on the couch wishing something worthy of keeping my eyes open was on tv. I was thinking tonight as I tried to clear my head with a Shower Vapor Tablet that listening has nothing to do with hearing and everything to do with what I say. Well at least at work. Since we get graded on our calls. And finally after 4 months of being on the phone. I have scored the highest I can on a call that is scored. I had thought when we started that it was going to be easy. It is not. Not for me anyway. I have seen people from my training suceed that were worried sick and people that I thought were naturals not get it. I am not with the first group. One of the things your scored on is listening to the customer another is to respond in kind. If there is nothing I do I listen. I have been responding to listening by helping them fix their problem. Funny, that does not cut it. So I have finally as though hit over the head with a brick realized that listening is not about hearing it is about what you reply. At work they want to hear you repeat back to the customer their reason for calling. Which gets me to where I am going with this Christmas Season.

Advent (the 4 Sunday's before Christmas) starts next Sunday. Which for me has always been the time of year that I feel drawn to Church. Not because it is Advent but as the Holiday suggests in preparation for Christmas. I have always been reminded of my Grandmother Helen and the Holidays at her house. Nothing flashy but beautiful. Her house was decorated beautifully. A tree, not sure if it was real or fake. Lights, some tinsel and ornaments and a star. A Nativity scene at the base of the tree with a choir of Angels nearby. A wreath on the door and a chalk board that we signed in on when we went to her house and a row of small candy canes hanging near the door. Her house was like her. Prepared for Christmas. 

I have no memory of a single gift received from Grandma Helen. But there was Christmas Spirit, Joy, Cheer, and Food. Grandma's family was from Hungary and she made delicious treats for Christmas. Cheese Danish to die for and poppy seed rolls and nut rolls were some of our favorites.  Anyway you can see I have drifted from the subject.

I was also thinking tonight that if I were Queen that Christmas would have nothing to do with ads in a newspaper and commercials on tv. It would have everything to do with giving but nothing to do with what you receive.

So I thought, here in my blog I am Queen and in my kingdom Advent would be like Lent but instead of giving something up for a few weeks in preparation for Easter. We could give something back in preparation for Christmas. At work as I listen to customers not only do I hear their reason for calling but sometimes I hear the reason they called. Get it! Sometimes they call to have a problem fixed but sometimes they call to be heard. Or as I have learned to be responded to. I do not repeat back to them their reason I respond in kind. Congratulations, so Sorry to hear of your loss. Sometimes the customers stick with me not their names but their reason for calling. A brain damaged Vetran who is a genius in a body that does not work as fast has his head anymore. A woman who no longer has contact with her sisters. A marketing manager that needs something to market.

Sometimes I get more out of the call than the customers or at least as much. So in the spirit of Advent and the Christmas Season (which as a reminder does not start on Black Friday it starts the first Sunday of Advent which this year is December 1 and goes through the 12 days of Christmas which begins on Christmas and into January to Epiphany) I thought in my kingdom which has 1 member the Queen we would respond in kind to not only my customers on the phone but to also greet or respond in kind to people I come in contact with in the real world and apply the same principle that if sometimes someone may say hello not to be kind to you but maybe for your to reply in kind to them. Maybe no one has said hello or Good Morning to that person all day or week. I would love for those of you that read to reply in kind not to me but to someone everyday between now and Epiphany. It is easy this time of year. My goodness it is Christmas. Be joyous not because you are finished with your shopping but because Christmas is coming. It takes 27 days to make a habit and we have 44 days to get it right. And by January my kingdom will be showing others that listening has to do with responding and nothing to do with hearing what people are saying. Good Luck and hopefully for the first time this year Merry Christmas.

Giving Thanks

I thought it appropriate this week that I speak of Thanksgiving. Now most of you reading this will sit down at some point on Thursday and eat the biggest meal of year so far. And most will say some sort of prayer of Thanks for the things you have and food on the table and the hands that prepared it. My father always mentions the men and women serving in the Armed Services that are not home with their family.  And then dig in. But maybe this week on this Thursday stop and be thankful for how blessed you are to maybe have a job and if not a job how thankful you are to be with your family, maybe even have a roof over your head.

As a reminder it has been only 19 days since Hurricane Sandy made an unexpected visit to our friends to the north in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and other states upon the Eastern Seaboard. Some of those visited no longer have homes to be thankful for. They have their life to be thankful for. They may not have electricity or hot water but they still have their family together. Some may have lost family members but they still have the clothes on their back and a warm meal to eat being prepared by volunteers. In other words some people lost everything just 19 days ago. They are trying to find a way to get through each day, each week and the months to come without loosing their mind.

Hurricane Sandy is just one example of the tragic loss that people from all walks of life all over the world have dealt with this this year. But from the tragedy we are able to look at and appreciate the smaller things in life that we just assume we will always have.

I have a friend in New York that has invited friends over that live in lower Manhattan and let them charge their wireless devices, offered a hot shower and meal before they go back to living as those who lived in the same part of New York in the early 1900's with the advantage of batteries to power their handheld devices to warm their hands while the power is out and the temperature is low by the glow of their ipod or tablet. A laptop you no longer put a pillow on your lap to protect from the heat you can use it to warm your lap.

So maybe on Thursday evening when you are sitting home after eating a delicious meal prepared with love by someone you don't know how you would live without. Turn off the lights and the tv and the heat and think of the people up north that are doing the same thanks to Sandy for 5 minutes. First you will realize how long that is to be without, but remember those still without power have been doing the same for 19 days. Some may have days or weeks to come before the smallest luxury electricity can be restored. When you turn the lights and the tv back on remember that is a blessing because those without do not have that choice. They will wake up Friday not at 4AM preparing to go shopping because the retail world tells us we can get a better price before the sun comes up. Some will wake up cold and alone but being thankful for what they have left and to those that are truly blessed they are not worrying about what they lost for that can not be regained.

No loss this great can truly be recovered from overnight. Life goes on and each day, each moment is living proof that you too are trying to move on as well. You will not forget what you lost but maybe build a future that you never expected out of it. A future that has love and family and a home just not the one you thought about on October 28th for those in the north or for those in Aurora, Colorado July 19th or those in Gilbert, Arizona on May 1st. I could go on and on. About people and their tragedy which may not be a loss that had media coverage but a loss of a job or a loss of a spouse or a Grandmother or even a cat. All of these losses are tragic to those that lived through them and the recovery though the time may be different the process is still the same. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They do not always come in order or one at a time but no matter what you do they will come.

On Thursday hug your family and remind them all how much they all matter. And be thankful what you have been given and accept what you have lost.

Happy Thanksgiving has a whole new meaning now.

Blogging

I received an email that I have been thinking about since I got it. The person had received a link to my blog and in return replied and said,

"I don’t do blogs, sorry, to much time without enough results.
I like to talk with people as a group to get feedback like on facebook not talk at people like on twitter or a blog."

Well I disagree. Time vs Results. The reason I write this blog is selfish. I never thought that anyone other than my close friends would be reading what I write. And as those of you that are close to me know I do not do many things that are selfish. Writing has been therapeutic and a relief from some of my memories. So the result has been that I come up with ideas on things to write about and they morph into something else.

I consider the feelings of audience and of those I am writing about.  I have always felt that Facebook and Twitter are the opposite that people say whatever they feel and never consider the feelings of others or how permanent their words are. And as a customer told me the other day at work. I am stupid when it comes to twitter. Again I just find that to be a way to blurt out a thought at the spur of the moment. Without any thought to the result.

Well enough about that comment. It does tie into the subject which is who I reach. I post a link on Facebook when I finish a posting and send an email to some friends but in return I get comments via email and the Blogger software actually shows me where in the world people have read my blog.

I love the comments. Another selfish act. Everyone likes to hear that they do a good job and that they have touched someones heart or head with a comment. I have always been one who works best when I receive praise. Though at times criticism sometimes causes me to try that much harder to succeed. But the map has been an amazing piece of information as well. I copy a couple of Brian's cousins that live in Sweden on my blog and based on the map they have read some of my posts. But a few weeks ago I glanced at the map and noticed France was highlighted, and on another post Germany and yet another was England but the one that got me was when Russia was highlighted.

This has made me realize that no longer am I selfishly writing for my self and sharing feelings with a few friends, which made me think if you the reader could say anything to the whole world what would you say. And since as my opposition believes there is no give and take in Blogging I would like to prove him wrong again. So please consider the feelings of the readers and those you write about. I try not to use names for just that reason.  So give it some thought and Post a comment. Share with me something you would like to get off your chest or out of your head. I in return will let you know how many people have read and where in the world your thoughts have reached.

Thank you all for reading my words and helping me through this time in my life.

And to my husband. Happy Anniversary babe.

Happy Memories

Today’s installment is being written because I have been reminded that for all the sad memories I have there are also happy memories. So back to my childhood.

Remembering so much it is sometimes hard to pick a favorite memory but one I always bring up I was about 12 with my brother and sisters we would swim in the bay across the street from our house everyday in the summer.  We did it so much that our parents did not always come over with us. Well I remembered hearing a story of my uncle swimming from the north end of the beach to Caladesi Island as a teen. I thought we can do that. So the 5 of us on this day that we were unsupervised we took off from the dock across from our house and swam to Island Estates.  My youngest sister was only 5 at the time so we decided so that we could all make the trip we towed her on a raft.  We swam the further we got I remember pausing for a moment and thinking this is a lot of water and we are just 5 little heads and a raft but like everything else the 5 of us did together we made it to Island Estates. We took a break there is a small area of sand off the back of the building directly across from where we started.  Now the hard part we had to swim back. No way we are stopping  now.  We did not consider the current,  it did not seem to affect us on the way over but on the way back. We decided not to fight the current and let it carry us. We were heading west but drifting south. The closer we got back to the beach we had to pick which house we knew and whose dock had a ladder we could climb up. We got to the Jackson’s house about 2 blocks south of ours where I babysat and we climbed up their dock and walked home. We did it.

Always being adventurous another favorite memory of the 5 of us together we called it going exploring. We would walk to the north end of Clearwater Beach past the end of the houses and cut through the sand dunes and look for tidal pools where the tide has gone out and left a small pool of water and some fish and small creatures for us to check out. Starfish, sea urchins, sand dollars, back in the day we even once found a sea horse. All of which we would look at and touch but leave to live another day. Hermit crabs, conchs and who knows what else. As we headed home we might walk along the sand bar and look for shells that were no longer inhabited to take home.

Considering all my memories my next favorite, take me back to the days working at Eckerd as a teen. The manager was a character in a book all his own. Everyone knew him and his personality. The way I was hired was my mother was in the store one day and he said to her, Isn’t one of your kids old enough to work. Next thing I knew I had a job. I went in to fill out an application and they were expecting me to work that night. So I went home changed clothes and started working. November 17, 1983. I did not leave Eckerd until the company sold off their Florida stores and moved the corporate office to Rhode Island January 7, 2005.  I often joke, No one ever told me you are supposed to quit your first job. There are so many fond memories of Eckerd.  After a few years I was pretty bossy about my knowledge of how my store was run. As new people came it was no matter what their title I knew more than them. All you had to do was ask me and I would tell you that. I would teach them the ropes of the beach store but not without a little humiliation maybe even hazing. But I cannot count how many times I straightened the aisle of shoes and filled them so when someone new came along the first thing I would teach was how to straighten the shoes. If you never worked in the store you don’t know what a mess they would be at the end of the night but it was not a job many were fond of. I made so many friends in that day most of which I still have. I wish I could name them all but I don’t want to leave any out. So if you worked with me in those days. I still love every memory. I laugh at the night I was filling the paper aisle and the paper towels were stored up above the office. It took a 12 foot ladder to get to them and I would throw down what I was filling. One of the funny guys I worked with decided while I was up there he was going to take the ladder away. I could only laugh. I was 12 feet up in the air and no way down. I just kidded him saying it leaves you the whole store to straighten if you leave me up here. He moved the ladder back after I was done throwing everything down I needed. Some of which may even hit him in the head.

Years pass by but still I smile thinking of those days. I am sure things happening today will one day be memories I will look back at and smile. The same way I smile at our wedding day. For those of you not married. I always recommend to brides take your time and soak it in. You have been planning this day so long and it will all be over in a few hours. Don’t rush it.  I would say the same for those with small children. They will not be small for long and they will only walk for the first time once and they will only say mama for the first time once. Cherish those memories. Since there are no children of my own, my favorite memories of small children are of my nieces and nephews. The first time my niece Alex said my name, I had coaxed her for years and all of a sudden when she was about 3 in my mother’s kitchen out of the blue she said, Aunt Jeanne blah, blah, blah. I say blah, blah, blah because after Aunt Jeanne nothing else mattered. I was brought to tears. Alex said my name. I know for Aunt Bethy and Aunt Billie that was probably not as big a deal and they all could say Uncle Al or Unk Al as Paul would say but that day Alex said Aunt Jeanne. And that thought will always bring a smile to my face. With the younger nieces and nephew it was the day they were born. I do remember the night before Alex was born as well but Emily and Ashley, their mother called very early in the morning and I stopped on my way to work to take their first pictures. With Paul I got the call at 10:30 at night and said Billie was having a C-section.  I was right out the door. I heard his first cry and while they were stitching Billie up the nurse brought Paul out and Jeff and I held him before he was weighed. That is the closest I will ever get to the joy of childbirth.

All these memories make me smile. And not a single tear was shed in the writing of this Blog. Instead I smiled the whole time. Thinking about the great memories of days gone by and people I still have in my life and always will. If only in my memories as time goes by.

Oh how many memories I have all of which have a place in my heart and my head. At times they rise and fall and sometimes slip away other times bubble back to the surface. So if your favorite memory of me was not mentioned today do not think that you are not in my heart and my head.  You are safely locked away in my vault of memories to be cherished like an antique silk covered book. Wrapped in tissue and safe in a box to be brought out and shared and put away for safe keeping forever.

Memories

Since so much of what I share is from memory. I thought  I would explain how mine works.

I remember a lot. At times everything. I have found this a curse more than a blessing. I have said it before when you remember everything you can never forget. Which sometimes means you don't forgive. I have gotten better at the second part as I have gotten older. I have learned it doesn't pay to be mad at someone forever. Funny thing is usually the person I am mad at forever doesn't even remember what made me mad in the first place.

My earliest memory is me standing on my parents bed being dressed. I was between 1 and 2 years old.      

I was getting dressed for church. Some would argue there must be a picture and you built a memory around it but there is no picture from that day. I do not remember every detail just 2 main parts. Getting dressed on the end of the bed in a pink and yellow dress with a wide white collar. Then I remember being at Clearwater High School walking holding my dad's hand in front of the Auditorium and in front of the X wing past the cafeteria and the classrooms. I did not know until I was in 8th grade where that memory was from for sure. My parents had told me that we did go to church in the high school auditorium until the church was completed in 1970 which I would have been 3.  I went to the church website to find out the dates and found the above picture. So somewhere in here is probably the back of my parents heads.

In 8th grade I attended with my mom the open house for 8th graders going into high school. As we walked in the auditorium. I remembered the place. The steps. Going up and down the steps with my dad. If we were not quiet in church one of our parents would take us outside. I remember that with my brother and sisters. But I only remember me and my dad this particular day. Walking along the X wing as they called it when I was in high school. There is a place that there are about 3 steps down and a ramp. I was walking on the ramp and my dad the steps. That is it. My first memory. 40+ years later still have it with me.

As I got older I found the way I remember things is by thinking about them. I was 23 the first time I remember my mind at work. It was Dec. 24, 1991 the day of my Grandma Helen's funeral. I worked for Eckerd. I left the store went to the Mass. What happened at the end I will not share. But the events are still clear in my mind. I was standing in the front pew with my dad on my right and my sister Billie to his right. Next thing I know I was about 12 rows back with my cousins. It was all like a movie. That afternoon I went back to work. Tried to make sense of what happened. No dice. Called my sisters and said, Do you keep seeing it happen over and over? They all said yes. So I figured out that when you see something crazy and your brain does not know what to do with it some people lock it in a file cabinet and others like me we review the footage over and over and over. Trying to make sense of what happened. But when I have memories I can not make sense of they are permanently en grained forever. Like a movie you've seen a million times and you know every word. Just these I always know the cast.

The worst is it is not just the visual memories but I also have audio. If I have heard something and for whatever reason I decide that this is thought provoking the words will stay with me. Arguments, News stories and even the crazy stuff the people that sat behind us Friday at Las Mariachis said. I will not share with you their discussion but I will share how witty my husband is. When these 3 people left the restaurant Brian was outside on his phone and the female stopped and picked up a partially smoked cigarette out of the ashtray and looked at Brian and said, It is not as disgusting as it looks, this is mine. Brian replied, That is not nearly as disgusting as your table conversation. See why I married him.

So now another 20 years later and here I am with memories of a another place and time. Pictures that don't go away. Some of that week has faded but it has only been a few months and some moments are forever etched in my brain. The footage has been edited and is now fairly brief but forever there. It starts as a still photograph. Then the editor zooms in. I am right there. In the middle of it. I am so sorry for anyone else that has these kind memories. The ones that make you cry as soon as it starts and you can not make it go away.

I am left here to wonder why? Why me? Is there a point to me remembering. So, at this point in life I have decided to share my memories and stories with others. Others that will only remember some small amount of this but maybe pass on that little bit. As I have said before. You don't want to know all the gritty details of things I have to remember. See, I said it, I have to remember. I didn't even realize that I wrote it. But there it is in black and white. My fingers know the words before my head yet they speak the truth.

So this Saturday night I sit alone in the quiet with my memories. I give you this glimmer of hope. Even my memories fade. Not in a week or month or even 20 years but they do fade.

The End is the Beginning

I feel as though this chapter of my life started last May.

I was fired from my job. I hated it and loved at the same time. I don't do anything half way. It is all or nothing. And no matter what anyone there believes I gave all I had to the last day I worked there.

After which I found that I was so sick and weak that I had to have a blood transfusion.

So in a way that week part of me died. And part of me was renewed.

I lost old friends in the mix. But were they truely friends if they no longer call or have nothing to do with me because we do not work together anymore. I still have contact with 3 people from that job. We get together as we did before and always will.

Just like Eckerds after 20 years. There are still some that almost 8 years later I still speak to and see. Not as much as I like, but I do.

Now with my new chapter, new job I again have new friends. Some will be come old friends and some will fade with time. Sometimes I am suprized by the ones that stay and the ones that go.

Today made me think of the past year and how it has been a year of endings and a year of beginnings.
Brian and I had a terrible loss of a family. But we have had new additions. We have had the joy of sharing our house with our nieces this summer from Alaska and Arizona. The joy of getting to know them and them us. The memories made will never be forgotten. 4th of July on the back steps of City Hall watching fireworks over the bay. Uncle Brian taking the girls to Adventure Island. The girls got to know each other better as well. Sharing time together watching movies and I will never forget the afternoon we came home from work and all of them were sleeping on the couch snug as 3 bugs in a rug.

So today I attended church as Brian and I have the last few weeks. Last week we shared our story of loss with the church for their Domestic Violence Charity offering. But today I went alone and had a gift of renewal again. They spoke this morning of giving up your worldly belongings to get everything back.

Just like in the book Eat, Pray and Love. As the story goes the husband and wife are in the process of divorcing and the husband is a mooch and takes and takes. Finally she says fine take it all. I want nothing but to be rid of you ( I paraphrase). But in the end she travels she is renewed in life and prayer and again finds Love.

So, Again we have met new people at church that have welcomed us and some of these same people I feel will become old friends. For Brian attending First Church is like going home to a familar place. Where to me it is like a new job not sure what to do or say and following the lead of others but yet made to feel comfortable as they show the way.

I was thinking we have given up so many things in the last year me without a job yet we did not suffer. We still had a roof over our head and food to eat. We lost family and my cat Mary. Dear Mary who had so much of me in her. Her and I were a pair for 21 years. She would only let most people pet her a few times and then she would scratch or bite them. Those who know me know that I can sometimes be the same way. Don't want anything too close. But always loving those who take the time to know me and let me know them so I am not afraid of their love and I let them in.

So as I go to work this week and live my life I am going to give all I have and in return expect nothing. So everything I get in return will be a blessing.

Family

Some people believe that family is the people that live within their house. Some believe it is their Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents and people they see at the holidays. Some believe that they have friends that are as close as family and include all of the above.

Some people do not know the value of what they have. A family is a support system. A village that will help with anything or everything. The family that wants to be a part of your life and share in your joy and sorrow. Help you get through whatever trouble that you are going through.

Some people think they are an island and are not able to reach out to other islands. No telephone or telegraph, no texting or facebook. They are afraid. Afraid of what could happen. What someone would say worse yet what someone might think or do.

I am sometimes that peron who is afraid. I worry about what someone will say. But I have learned in life sometimes you have to reach out to others for help. It does not make you weak or less able to deal with your own troubles. It just makes you human.

If you think that your family just lives within the four walls of your house, there may not be someone who understands or that you can share your trouble or fear with. Maybe that is who you are fearful of.

Maybe you are limiting yourself and what you can be by not reaching out or up. I am not of the religious type. I am very faithful. Sometimes I just have to believe that things are going to get better. But if I do not make a change nothing is going to get better or worse.

So where am I going. I started this thinking of one person. In the time it has taken to write it I have thought of two others. Not in the same situations. But limiting your family to your house is like saying I only shop at one store or can only see out one window. I want to see out all the windows and I may even want a skylight to look up.

If you are someone who needs help and does nothing. You are always going to be someone that needs help. If you are someone who gets help then you are able to help others. That is me today. Not in every aspect of my life but in most. I try to remember that others have worse problems than me. There are those with more sorrow and more pain and even more fear.

If you have Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents that support you and your endeavors appreciate them and let them know. Return the gift of support. Sometimes a visit or a card could mean the world to a person you assume they know how much they mean to you. I did not mention a text or a facebook message. Put some effort into it. They are your family.

If you live in four walls with someone that you are scared of ask for help. Go out and ask for it. Demand it. Because you deserve a life that you are not afraid. That you are happy. Happy is not a white picket fence and 2.3 kids. Happiness is getting up in the morning and making choices for yourself. Healthy choices, mentally  and physically. Going to bed at night and knowing that you and all that live under your roof are safe and sound and knowing that you will sleep better and wake up tomorrow knowing you deserve happiness.

So tonight I am going to bed knowing that Brian and I are safe and sound. Tomorrow we will get up and go to church and I will think of those that are not. Not safe and sound and those that are no longer with us.

Happy Birthday Lisa.


                            I am thinking of you.

A funny story in Memory of Amber

Funny story about a trip to Sedona with our nieces (Amber and Brittany).

Well a few years ago my sister-in-law Lisa was in a terrible car accident. She was in the hospital  and rehab for about 9 months. Brian and I went to Arizona to help the girls (Amber & Brittany) while Nanny and Poppy had to go back to NC. We visited with the girls and Lisa. We thought that one day we would take the girls to Sedona. They said they had never been. Brian and I had been once before and it was beautiful. We wanted the girls to get away for a day and have some fun with us.

Amber said her car would be fine. We gassed up the car, checked the water and oil and off to Sedona. It was about a 2.5 hours to drive. Well it was going along great. We were about 30 miles outside of Sedona when Brian said, "Jeanne look out the back window." Plumes of black smoke and my first thought was Amber why didn't you say there might be a problem. So I told Brian to pull over at the next exit. He went by. He said,"we can make it." Famous last words. Sputter, sputter, clunk, clunk. He pulled off the highway about 1 mile too late. He goes to the front of the car and lifts the hood. The next thing we all see is flames shooting up the windshield. I told the girls, grab whatever you can and go up the hill. Brian wanted me to pull the hood release again after he dropped the hood at the suprize of flames. I pulled alright. I pulled the hood release and about 4 feet of cable. Either it had already melted or I did't know my own stregnth. Either way we could not get the hood up. The car was on fire and the windshield wipers started going, winshield fluid was spraying on its own, both front and back. It was so scary, it was funny.

Now here comes a guy with a radio and a gun on his hip. God I hope he is a cop? I sat with the girls up the hill in the shadow of a cactus, with all the worldly belongings of an 18 year old in a couple black garbage bags. The fire department came, a state trooper came. Once the fire was no longer a worry, I thought hmmm. How to we get anywhere from here. We are in the middle of the desert with 2 black garbage bags full of belongings and 2 hours away from anyone we know.  Did I mention a 1 liter bottle of water between the 4 of us. Not my brightest move. Which I was holding onto for dear life.

Well the State Trooper, Thank God had been through this a time or two before. He gave me a number for the closest rental car agent. Told me to explain what happened and even though they close early on the weekend they would wait for us to get there. Great but how are we getting there. The Trooper said that he would take me and 1 girl in his car to the rental agency and the tow truck driver would take Brian and the other to next exit back. There was a Denny's and they could wait there for me to pick them up.

So after the fire department hosed down the car it was put on a flat bed. The trooper explained if they don't get the fire completely out that as the tow truck drives away the wind will fan the smoldering flames underneath the hood and the whole car could catch on fire cruising down the interstate. (Of course it had just happened last week.)

Brittany and I got in the car with the trooper and now I am feeling faint. I am trying to hold everything together but I have finished off the bottle of water. The trooper said he would stop at a store so we could get more. But before we went anywhere and after Brittany and I were securely in the back seat of the cruiser he asked for my id. I laughed and said, "Wouldn't that be funny you already have me in the back seat and find out that I am wanted." He said, "I have had it happen before." So once convinced that I am not wanted and a pit stop for water. The State Trooper drives us to Sedona. Brittany and I admired the scenery along the way. The trooper was a regular tour guide. He knew everything about the area and shared stories as we drove. He waited until we came out to make sure we were ok and able to get a car. (The guy was awesome. And yes, I mailed a thank you note when we got back to Florida.)

Brittany and I hopped into the rental car and off we were to get Brian and Amber back at Denny's. So there they sit in a booth. In the middle of the afternoon with 2 black garbage bags of belongings. Brian said everyone looked at them when they walked in the door. He actually showed the waitress he had money because she looked at them like a couple homeless people.

We all got a bite to eat and then we finished our trip to Sedona.  The scenery along the way was beautiful. Red rock everywhere. My favorite view of Snoopy mountain that looks like Snoopy laying on top of the dog house. The town itself had lots of shops. We walked around took some pictures. We had a great time. As we drove back towards home we were not sure how Lisa was going to take the news of the car fire but I said, it will be ok. She will see that everyone is fine and we will have to wait to find out how the car will be.

Just to finish off the story. Lisa was concerned but happy we were all ok. The car did not make it. Hugo and Amber went back to see the car after the insurance adjusted said it was totalled.

We now have memories to last a lifetime with our 2 nieces we don't get to see often.  

I tell this story today because September 14 would be Amber's 24th birthday and I miss her and her mom and Lilly. I did not ever meet Jim but feel sad for the loss. And to send a Hug to Brit. So we all remember sometimes even hard times become great memories when you are looking through the rearview mirror of life. 

Happy Birthday Amber!

Vacation

Well, I was told by my sister that knows everything that the title that came across on her phone the other night was Day One Abuse. Well I do not want anyone to think that I am abused. Mentally self tortured yes but abused no.

So today I thought while still new at this I would change the name. Sunshine and Shadows is a more accurate name for what I want to share. I do have happy moments and sad ones.

I want to share both. I love to travel when given the time and money. Trust me I would find the time if I had the money.

So a little more about me.

Top 5 outdoor activities

Kayaking/Rafting/Canoeing/Tubing down a river.
Sailing
Swimming in a pool or at the beach. (But please do not get my ears wet.)
Walking on a nature trail. (without mesquitos)
Outdoor photography


Top 5 places I have been.

Mammoth Cave Kentucky
Cumberland Island Georgia
Blue Ridge Parkway, North Carolina
New York City
Bardstown, Kentucky


I love to cruise. Pack your bags get on a ship enjoy yourself. That simple. Get off the ship if you want. Sleep and eat the day away if you want. Do anything or nothing.

Been on a number of ships. Love Royal Caribbean. The last ship we were on had an Adult Swimming pool that was enclosed. My favorite Princess ship had a Piano Bar that we spent every evening at.
Played music trivia and Name that Tune.

On our last cruise I did the unheard of. I got up in front of a lounge full of strangers and played Don't forget the Lyrics. 8 contestants. I came in 2nd. I think it was rigged for the old guy to win.

For those of you who know me this is unbelievable. I still carry my medal I won on my key chain. I had to sing 3 songs.

1. King of the Road. (first learned the song in band in 7th grade)
2. Pina Colada Song (doesn't everyone know the words)
3. I can not remember. Was surprised myself by being able to get it.

I was last to go. As people started I thought well I will not be too embarrassed. I will get out on the first round and sit down and know the words to every other song. But as soon as the music started both Brian and I know that we had that one no problem.

With King of the Road I had every old person in the lounge singing along. Same with Pina Colada song. The ranking was by applause. The old guy just beat me out.

To this day I have never any other time stood up and sang in front of a group. But that night it was fun.

So on this holiday from work. I will think about some of the best places I have been on vacation. Hope at some point today you will too. That is why we all work so hard anyway isn't it. So we have some money and time to do something we love.

Happy Labor Day