Guilty as Charged

I just read over the post I wrote a year ago. Funny how some things are the same and some are not. Mostly not. I feel a clean sweep coming on. A must change in our lives. Get us out of the funk or the rut we have been in. For the last four months Brian and I have had maybe 3 days off together. So the thought of getting things done around the house just does not happen as I would like. I can not motivate. Brian does pretty good on the weekend he has even mastered the washing machine. It has taken 20 years of being together but the other night I came home and he had done the laundry. It was amazing. I think confetti and balloons fell from the sky.

But now we are to that hump in the year. That time that is so difficult. I was writing the other night and thought about how we stop to celebrate the life of those no longer with us but it makes us look back on the terrible parts as well. This time of year has always been busy in my family I have a niece and my mom and my Grandma who's birthdays which have been in the last week. We also have the beginning of May the Derby which is a favorite of mine and my mom and my Grandma used to watch together. Then Mother's Day and one of my sisters birthday. All this in 2 weeks and now we add to the mix a huge loss. We lost Grandma almost 2 years ago. Then there is May 2.

Why does the anniversary of a terrible event stick with you. There is no name for the day you loose a whole group of people from your family. I have thought about last year and how the reporter came and the photographer and how they wanted to know how we were a year later. Well a year can be forever or it can go by in a flash. So last year we spent a day in April answering questions and sharing our first year after memories.

I have been thinking about what new things I would share if someone asked but no one asks on the 2nd anniversary of a tragedy. There are times I would like to spill everything out. There are things held in to protect others. But spilling everything will not make me feel better if it hurts someone else.

So instead I have been thinking about items that represent the last two years. The thing that represented the first year would be paper. For all the tissues we used  in the first year as the memories both good and bad flooded our mind at the least expecting moments. Today approaching the 2nd year the thing  that represents it best would be wood. A box for all the memories. A place to cherish the good memories and to keep the ones you do not need to be so fresh on your mind. For the sake of looking forward I think for the 3rd year I am thinking glass for a mirror. To be able to look without guilt. I think a lot of people still feel guilt. Some share it and some hold it in. But when I look in the mirror I don't want to feel bad for what I didn't know or what I didn't do. Instead reflect on the times we had together.

On the subject of guilt I have some advice for some of the people struggling. You and me both need to let it go. It will not bring anyone back and it will not stop anything from happening. We have families and friends that love us and we love. And they are here. And they can be loved now. When you pick up your child and give him or her a kiss know the world knows you would have done the same when Lilly came into a room or when you see your wife or girlfriend comes home remind them that they are loved as you would have Amber and when you do that you too will feel the love coming back and no guilt. When you look to your own mom on Mother's Day smile and think of Lisa. Because what's done is done. I have a few people specifically in mind and they are male so I must direct this to them. They may never read my blog but I know I have put the words out in the universe I feel they will find there way to the right people.

Our lives must go on. I would not want the world to stop living if I was gone.  So over the next few weeks I hope to make a clean sweep of things in the house and in our lives. I am hoping for better days off so Brian and I can do things together again besides watching tv late at night after work. And show him that he too is the most important person to me.

Moving on

I don't know where to start today. I thought I had something to say but I really have just a lot of nothing rolling around inside my head tonight. Do I talk about time passing and getting on or falling behind or never moving on at all. Projects that have been set aside or Christmas decorations never put out and just put back up where they belong today. Today, April 27. Doesn't that seem ridiculous in 4 months we could not find 30 minutes to put away decorations we did not use last year.  It always seems like there is either something else going on or someone else I am trying to help. But really no excuse.

I had updated our virus software on the computer in November and it did not install correct. I have ignored it until last week. It took about 20 minutes and I had it fixed. I just could not figure it out? Couldn't be bothered? Why have I put these simple tasks off? I couldn't even begin to answer.

I cleaned my house for the first time in a year just 2 weeks ago. Not that I haven't washed dishes or taken out the garbage or done laundry but for the most part since our nieces left last summer, it has been it is what it is. If I don't need it don't worry about it. But a reporter from Arizona came to talk to us and Hugo about how this last year has been. I thought after the interview I would have something to share. I don't. I have mostly worried that what was said that day would be misconstrued or misunderstood not by you the average reader but by Brittany and the rest of the family.

Not that I think I said something wrong but sometimes I feel bad that I put my feelings out for others to read as though my feelings are important. Who am I. It was not my sister. I can not begin to imagine. It was not my mother. I speak to mine every night on my way home from work. Similar to Lisa, who also talked to her mom everyday. And I worry about my mom's health and that one day I will not be able to make that call. Which reminds me of a story about Kody.

When Kody (our dog of 14 years) was still alive he would always get the last bite of food I had, from whatever meal I was eating. As he got older I would tell him. One day I am going to cry that I get to eat my last bite of food. Kody has been gone now for 4 years and we now have Princess who has picked right up where Kody left off but the six months in between. I would leave that last bite and think of Kody. And yes I would cry.

I can go on and on about things that I have not done in the last year but in the last few weeks have finally made my self take care of. There are still a lot more things that need to be done but I feel like I am getting somewhere. Brian cut the grass yesterday and the yard looks good but could also use some help so hopefully over the next few weeks I can get after some of that.

Now as for the last few weeks we have found out that one of the girls that used to work with Brian passed away, a friend of mine from work lost her daughter and my nephew lost the Behavioral Specialist from his school that would talk to him everyday and the Pastor at church lost her mom.  I feel so sad for all of them.

Which makes me think about mortality and my life and those around me and that I can not stand the thought of being without the people I am closest to and I worry about the thought of Brian having to be without me. These are the thoughts that make me cry tonight. I know you have to move on as they say but some days I just don't know how.

We are planning a trip to Alaska this summer while Brian's brother is still there. Planning isn't the right word. I have scheduled the time off but have no idea about anything else and it is only weeks away. Usually I would have a list of things that need to be done before and who will take care of what while we are gone but I just don't. I have read some about Alaska and I know there are things I want to do but I don't have a schedule or itinerary. See glaciers and eagles. Visit Denali, maybe see the pipeline and take lots of pictures of animals and the vast emptiness. If you can not get motivated for a trip of a life time like this what can you.

Well Miss Brittany is turning 21 and at the end of our trip and if all goes well we will be meeting up in Las Vegas to celebrate her birthday with her. This makes me smile. This is something that we talked about last summer that her and her mom had planned to do and I wanted to make sure that it was seen through along with her dad and Brian.

So one step at a time I am trying to not worry about what I can not control and take care of what I can today and leave the rest for tomorrow. Smile when things go right and for right now cry when they don't.

It is not a year later but 365 days one at a time that has been tough for a lot of people in a lot of ways.

So, Peace Lilly, Amber, Lisa and Jim and Peace for all of you.

Goodnight.

Grief

Cbarlie Brown says it best Good Grief.

Leading up to this interview tomorrow, scratch that today. It is 1:30 AM and here I am. My head spinning and I am wide awake.

I was thinking how has this LOSS changed us over the last year. Well as for me. I have Grieved. Now since I have been through this before like anyone who has had a loss. I think the magnitude and the way that this has happened has made this different.

In reading the steps of Grieving it says how you accept the loss of your loved one. Well, How 'bout loved 3. So is that 3 times the grief. 3 times the Anger, 3 times the Guilt, 3 times the Depression, 3 times we will start to recover and 3 times we will start working through this and 3 times we will start to feel the Acceptance.

I have spoke in my blog of Lisa and Amber both I knew. Even though we lived apart what I did not know  personally I learned a lot from Brian. He has told me stories about Lisa and their brother when they were kids and he has told me of times with Lisa and Hugo. Here is a great story he told me of a trip he took with Lisa and Hugo when Amber was a toddler. They were crossing from Texas into Mexico and Amber had a potty chair along for the ride. Well she used it right before they got to the border and the officers thought that by Lisa spraying perfume in the car to cover the odor of the potty chair that they were possibly covering up something else. Well this little event earned Amber the nick name Poo-poo head. Uncle Brian would talk to her on the phone and ask how his little poo-poo head was. Or is that you poo-poo head. She would kill me for telling that story in public as an adult but then again maybe not. Just another memory to share.

But I have stayed away from Lilly. Lilly is a whole nother ball of wax. I did not know her. I did not ever get to hold her or talk to her. I can not even try to list all the things that I will never get to do with her. If you think that kind of sadness can be accepted away. Forget it.

I never knew Jim. I am glad to see the pictures of him with Amber and Lilly they are all smiles. So I am glad they had him. Sorry he was there that day. Sorry any of them were.

I learned when Kody (our dog of 14 years) died the steps in the Grief process and I learned that they do not have to come in order. Because life is usually not that clean cut and straight forward.

I have seen the progress over this last year. I was reading over my blogs and there are certain ones I read a lot. It is as therapeutic as talking to myself to read the words I have written. So some of the steps I could even put a date on when I experienced them.

February 6, 2013 I felt Acceptance and Hope.
December 12, 2012 I felt Depression and Reflection.
November 17, 2012 I was feeling it all Anger, Denial, Depression and Acceptance.

So for however far we have all come I feel like I have a ways to go in this process. I am hoping by next year some of the things I have not yet shared will be shared and will help me move past them. Some things I will never share with the class. Some things I have to share. Like when I shared the story of the day of their Viewing. I have shared to try to forget but as with the night I wrote after the Sandy Hook Shooting. It bothered me more to think I put the words down for people to read that might upset others grieving as well. So I removed parts of that blog.

The point of this exercise has been from the beginning to help myself heal. Hurting others will never do that. Sharing things others do not know will not help either. I will stop here because this is where I will pick up next time.

Now that I have spent my 5 cents and spilled my guts to Lucy I hope to be able to go to sleep. Tomorrow scratch that today it is now 2:27AM will be busy.

Good night.

Wounds reopened

Well after 11 months of trying to heal I feel like I just ripped the band-aid off the one of the worst cuts ever and it hurts like hell.

I just had a thought at the beginning of April that next month will be a year since this bout with Hell started for us. That same day Brian received a call from a reporter that wanted to do a story to see how we are doing a year later.

These are not the memories that I wanted to dredge up or share more than I already have but we have agreed.

So in this last week we have again not slept. I have felt sad and helpless and useless when it comes to this situation.

At first I thought this would be a good way to open up the lines of communication. Remind people their struggles do not have to end like Lisa's. That there is help.

But then I think I would do anything for anyone yet I didn't think I needed to do something for her. This really hurts.

I do want to help others but the price I pay in my own pain is not good. I do not want to fall back to a place where I can not pull myself back out.

As I review my own blogs I read them as though I am just writing them and the emotions are fresh again.

So I have decided over the next few weeks I am going to take a look at some of the feelings and tie them back to blogs I have written this year. As I do if something seems to hit you as important or reminds you of a friend that you thought is ok but may not be. Pass on the information. Share it on Facebook or send a text but let them know that there is help. That is the key and I don't care if they have to call me direct to find out they are worth it and their life is important. No one should be tortured or threatened.

To end today 7 signs to look for in domestic violence.(Pass them on and do not tolerate them.)

1. Jealousy that goes too far. (If you can not see or talk to a friend.)
2. Using violence or the threat of violence to control you.
3. Abusing animals.
4. Throwing things and punching the wall.
5. A child of domestic violence believes that these are normal behaviors.
6. Access to weapons.
7. Drug and Alcohol abuse as an excuse for the violent behavior. (It may be two separate problems but they are tied together.)

Family

Some people believe that family is the people that live within their house. Some believe it is their Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents and people they see at the holidays. Some believe that they have friends that are as close as family and include all of the above.

Some people do not know the value of what they have. A family is a support system. A village that will help with anything or everything. The family that wants to be a part of your life and share in your joy and sorrow. Help you get through whatever trouble that you are going through.

Some people think they are an island and are not able to reach out to other islands. No telephone or telegraph, no texting or facebook. They are afraid. Afraid of what could happen. What someone would say worse yet what someone might think or do.

I am sometimes that peron who is afraid. I worry about what someone will say. But I have learned in life sometimes you have to reach out to others for help. It does not make you weak or less able to deal with your own troubles. It just makes you human.

If you think that your family just lives within the four walls of your house, there may not be someone who understands or that you can share your trouble or fear with. Maybe that is who you are fearful of.

Maybe you are limiting yourself and what you can be by not reaching out or up. I am not of the religious type. I am very faithful. Sometimes I just have to believe that things are going to get better. But if I do not make a change nothing is going to get better or worse.

So where am I going. I started this thinking of one person. In the time it has taken to write it I have thought of two others. Not in the same situations. But limiting your family to your house is like saying I only shop at one store or can only see out one window. I want to see out all the windows and I may even want a skylight to look up.

If you are someone who needs help and does nothing. You are always going to be someone that needs help. If you are someone who gets help then you are able to help others. That is me today. Not in every aspect of my life but in most. I try to remember that others have worse problems than me. There are those with more sorrow and more pain and even more fear.

If you have Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents that support you and your endeavors appreciate them and let them know. Return the gift of support. Sometimes a visit or a card could mean the world to a person you assume they know how much they mean to you. I did not mention a text or a facebook message. Put some effort into it. They are your family.

If you live in four walls with someone that you are scared of ask for help. Go out and ask for it. Demand it. Because you deserve a life that you are not afraid. That you are happy. Happy is not a white picket fence and 2.3 kids. Happiness is getting up in the morning and making choices for yourself. Healthy choices, mentally  and physically. Going to bed at night and knowing that you and all that live under your roof are safe and sound and knowing that you will sleep better and wake up tomorrow knowing you deserve happiness.

So tonight I am going to bed knowing that Brian and I are safe and sound. Tomorrow we will get up and go to church and I will think of those that are not. Not safe and sound and those that are no longer with us.

Happy Birthday Lisa.


                            I am thinking of you.