Things Change

I always find it funny the thing, that has me laying in bed thinking and the next thought is, "Get up it is 3AM and you need to write that down." Everyone lays in bed at one time or another questioning in their mind a decision they are trying to make or just made. Me, being the over thinking type not only have to go through every possible reason to make a decision, then once the decision is made have to think of every reason I should have not made the decision. Then there is Rule #39, "There is no such thing as coincidence." Who's Rules? Gibbs' Rules. NCIS has been part of our lives for 15 years now and Brian's go to re-run to watch during the day on TV. I like Gibbs character the best and his rules. Seems they follow the same moral compass that my life follows. I think the rule that got me was #51 sometimes you are wrong. I have had a hard time with this in myself but I guess if Gibbs can be wrong every now and then so can I. Rule #9 Brian's favorite Never go anywhere without a knife.

Well enough of what got me out of bed and on to what I was thinking about. Last Thursday at work I was asked to make a change. A change I said, I would never make, just about an hour before I was asked to make it. Then the weekend of pondering, even list writing the pros and cons, why I should or should not make the change. But then Friday I was asked to do something outside of work that coincided with this change at work. Which made me think well maybe I should make that change. (For those of you that know how my mind thinks at this time of the night, Michael Jackson's song Man in the Mirror just popped into my head. Make that Change...The funny thing is the not wanting to change upset me. Because in my mind this change well I had made it before. I made it for mom and now to change again...Well was I leaving mom behind. I know to some there is no logic. Mom passed away more than two years ago. But it seems as life goes by there she is.  And when I say it upset me I didn't even know what was the part that upset me until a friend at work that asked the question, "what is the reason you don't want to change?" The tears rolled down my face. Mom! Just like now after I have made my decision. Stuck my neck out, I am going to try something new that I have been told that I will be good at. Here is the other thing. When you are really good at something it is hard to go on to something else that you don't know. Right now anyone ask me a routing question? How do you get rid of all the jobs? How do you know who to give them to? To me it is logic and magic rolled into one. And I am really good at it. I am not the fastest or the smartest. But I am really good at putting jobs on techs in what to me is fair and logical way. And I use my magic to fix the problems the techs have.They call in and say they have already talked to 3 different people and they couldn't solve but in less than two minutes I get that customer's TV on or their modem to be online. There is one tech that when he hear "Dispatch, this is Jeanne", the first thing out of his mouth is "Thank God it is you." Here is the kicker I really love it. I love fixing things and solving problems. I don't need to be the smartest or the fastest but I am really good at what I do so why in the world would I change?

As we all know everything changes. Not me but everything around me. And that is it. I don't like change. I am perfectly happy being perfectly happy, with what I have and where I am but then there is that part of me that can be better. I mean it took years before I could loose one pound and somehow over the past couple years I have lost nearly 50. I am never the hare but always the tortoise in the race. Slow and steady. But when these two opportunities came up at the same time and the one made me think well if I try that, then I can try this and I want to try this. I know I am vague but see nothing has been said at work or outside work for that matter and not that I have a bunch of work friends that read this but I like to keep things to me for now. Maybe not wanting to mess up the magic that brought both these opportunities together at the same time. So I am going to try both. Mom would be proud of me for the outside of work opportunity. And she and I would have adjusted to the other Like said, I made this change before see, I used to eat dinner with her every Wednesday night but then when I started working at night that changed. Neither of us liked that we wouldn't have that but then we had Friday. Friday was my day off that Brian usually had to work. So I would take her and grandma where ever they needed to go and go to lunch and the thrift store and even though I haven't done those things in years that is why I have off of Friday and Saturday. But starting next week that will change. Even now after sitting here for an hour thinking about this the tears roll down my face. Funny how people have an affect on me. Even when they aren't here. Man I miss her.

Good-bye friend

So I learned a secret last week at work. A secret that the person that I sat next to had gave their notice and was leaving. Now in the three years I have sat at my desk this person has sat by me for maybe a year and a half.

 I feel as though I have lost a friend. Not the friend that you gossip about work or the friend that you eat lunch with but this is the friend that at the end of the night while my mom was sick I would cry to in the middle of the parking lot about how hard it is to take care of her and this person listened. Listened in the way only a person who had been a caregiver of a sick relative can listen. Listen as only a person who had walked more miles in those shoes than I would have a chance to. Listen like a life long friend.

This person was so private and yet so giving. Sharing only what had to be shared but always knowing what had to be shared. Not giving away too much. So this very private person told the management not to let others know that notice had been given. And in return they didn't. So no fanfare for  a partner in crime or no cake or cookies to be had. Just a quiet good-bye at the end of the night with post it notes exchanged with phone numbers between us.

I actually had a dream last night of what it will be like tomorrow when I go in and the desk is empty. I already know because I had a call at the end of the night that kept me later so my dream was pretty close.

In the world of work I know there is no time for grieving for the loss of a comrade. Just one of the newer people will be given that desk and and they will wipe it down and adjust the chair and put up their name on the wall and it will become theirs. This is the part of working in a place where turn over is part of life and it is a part I don't care for. Back in my Eckerd days I was known to not be open to new people and basically because they wouldn't stick it out for the long haul. In my almost 33 working years I have worked for 3 companies full time. 21 years at the first, 6 years at the second and now I have been here 5. At Eckerds my friends had all been around and I am still friends with them and most of us would still be at those jobs had CVS not closed the office we worked at. I know I am a good employee but good employee's don't last forever and change is so hard. And no matter how hard I work I worry that the job I do well just may not be good enough.

Seems today people think a job is like well everything in life is replaceable. And I the employee well I am replaceable as well. I mean if all you have to do is wipe down a desk and adjust a chair who's to say my chair won't be taken up by another new person another day. My friend next to me was hired by my supervisors but had to be a gift from God. I wish I could share all the laughs in our corner and all the tears. I am usually the one listening to people's stories and trying to guide them along their path but this person my friend was definitely sent to show me that I could move on and that I could change. And that life can be good maybe not in the way it was good before but good none the less.

I know there are some that are thinking well that person is probably moving on to better things. And knowing this person the way I do which really is not at all. That person will be fine. See I thought about calling this post by the person's name and I thought about using letters of the person's name through out the blog to be clever but this person is so much more clever than that. So instead I will not give away the sex or the age or any other clue of the person that sat next to me. I will only say to the next person that shares a space with this person will be the lucky one.

Good Luck my friend in whatever you do and know that you will not soon be forgotten in my little corner of the office.

Happy Birthday, Derby Day, Mother's Day

Back in August of 2012 I wrote my first blog. Not to be famous or to bad mouth others but to find an outlet for my own feelings and emotions. So this week was the anniversary of one of the traumatic events that got me to start writing.
This week is also Mother's Day and the Kentucky Derby. Now I know that in most houses none of these things have to do with the other but in my house the Derby and mom and grandma always went hand in hand. Mom and Grandma were both from Louisville, Kentucky the home of Churchill Downs and the Kentucky Derby both their birthday's were withing a week or so before the Derby and just a few weeks before Mother's Day most years. Going to the Derby has been on my bucket list as long as I wanted to go to Times Square for New Year's Eve which I did for the year 2000. I am far from a fancy person but for that day I will wear a dress and flat shoes and a moderate hat but none the less appropriate for the Derby. I will drink mint juleps as though it were my God given right. The only thing I won't be able to do is call mom and grandma when I am done with the day and tell them how wonderfully long the day was and how amazing the hats and the clothes were and the number of famous people we see that day.
Today as most Derby Day's I watched the pre race festivities the early card races and enjoyed the call for riders up, the Post Parade and the singing of My Old Kentucky Home (which Brian used to believe was a song written about a house I lived in, in Kentucky) update babe: I never lived in Kentucky. Still makes me laugh. And then the fastest 2 minutes in sports. A new person at work was sitting with me this week and I spoke of the Derby and she being all of 20 years old did not know what the Kentucky Derby is. If you have somehow read this far and don't either please Google it or ask Cortana or your friend Seri.
So I did not talk on the phone today through all of this or watch with mom and grandma as we have in the past. One year we took the kids all down to mom's and made Derby hats and made bets on the race and watched it together. That was probably in 2011 or so. Funny how the time flies by and somethings will always stay with me. Like the Derby that I had 2 of my nieces over for and explained about betting and gave them each a quarter to bet on the race. They may have been 5 and 7 or so but the older of the two decided that she just liked that I gave her a quarter and she wasn't going to risk betting. I told her that was a choice she could make. It was so cute.
I try to share these bits of family history and tradition with the kids and recently I have been reminded by the fact that mom is gone that I have no one to pass my knowledge or love for any of these things on to. I have no children to instill my beliefs in or to share my joys with. This was something that when I was of the age of everyone around me is having children was a reality I did not want to accept, yet here I am of the age where my friends are now becoming grandparents and again it is brought to the forefront in my life. And since with the recent death of my mother I have been reminded of the 5 steps in grieving. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I realized I have done rather well with my anticipatory grief (fancy term for grieving before the person passes). This is my thing. I am sad before and even though I know I did everything that I needed to do for the person. It may not have been everything others wanted from me, or everything others expected but it was exactly what I could do. But in anticipation of not being able to save the person I grief for their loss ahead of time. I want for one more day while I still have days and want to make better what I cannot change. But after the loss of a person that I have grieved for ahead of time it
gives me acceptance. Something that a lot of times in my life I fall short of accepting myself. And here we are back to the fact that I never had children. It was not for a lack of trying but I always said God  and I didn't see it the same way. Even today I have all the signs of grief for a child I never had and life I did not live. I do accept the way my life is and don't want to adopt. This may be fear of acceptance by the child or fear of not being good enough to some stranger. That is all on me.
Since over these last few months I have struggled with what to write at times for fear of sharing someone else's sorrow or opening up someone else's wound I decided tonight that my wounds are the only ones I am speaking of and always have been. I am not going to stop writing for fear of what others think this is purely a selfish act which a dear friend reminded me this morning that I don't have enough of. So I am going to work to accept the things that I cannot change and I will write the things that I would have shared with my kids in hopes that one day someone else's children will find what I have written and think I didn't know that about my family. And that will be my way to share my history with the future generations even if they are not my children. Happy Mother's Day Mom and Grandma (both Grandma's for that matter).
 

Dog Gone Good Memories

So it has been two years since I started writing this blog and I thought tonight I would write about my blog and how things have changed over the last two years or how they are all still the same, but I haven't posted anything since June. Why you ask? It is not that I haven't started to write. One night I started about Fate and one night about some movies I had watched and one night about some old demons. But I have finished none.  Posted none. Sometimes I don't have time or energy, sometimes I do not feel it and really tonight is no different. I am exhausted I have worked day and nignt for the last week. We are learning a new software at work and it has been busy. And we have a few more weeks til we change over to the new software and I hope I get it.  But on a plus my one day off I got to spend with Brian and my next day off we are off together to. That has not been the norm. Our last day off together was on vacation in June. Ironic. June was my last post. June I was in the hospital.

Now it is September and I am not sure where the summer went. I know my sisters went on vacation because we watched their dogs. Felt like all I did all summer was watching someone elses dog. And now September and I am just sick over my brother's dog. Don't talk about Al much. He is just a year younger than me. We are both left handed and our birthdays are just 13 days apart. Well I am a year and 13 days older than him. As kids we shared a room, we shared our birthday. There are times where we are the same and times when we are different. I called him tonight to see how he is doing. He said ok. He said he knows where things our heading. See not much on talking. But we are together. And I did not want him to believe for a minute that he was alone. If he needs me I am here. And would be there in a second to help him however I could.

When I talk to mom each night she tells me how Radar is doing but she doesn't mention Al. This thing with us. Not very touchy feely family well. Not at all really. My friends that have been around awhile are laughing. Loudly. Someone at work the other day was talking about the being a hugger and said they totally had me pegged for one and I laughed. I have gotten better with age but it is hard to change after a whole life of not. But my heart is breaking for Radar. Radar is Al's dog.

Since I always say. I didn't know what I was going to write about. Just so you know. Now is the time that I thought of the title for this blog and know what it it is about. I know you are thinking but Jeanne really you are three paragraphs in and at the beginning of the second paragraph I knew where you were going. See. Guess you all are just quicker than me.

Radar didn't start out as Al's dog. See my first memory of Radar is in my sister Tori's pool. Sitting on the bench on the side just chillin' by himself. I thought that is the craziest dog. Well Radar did not even start out as her dog. I don't know where his life started but he ended up with my sister because her husband loves to save animals. Now again, I would not put Tim in the category of touchy feely person but he is definately an animal person.  He may be the one who saves the dog but he can not keep them all. I remember my niece was just about 6 or 7 when Tim first saved Radar. She is now 21. But when they sold their house and were moving into a smaller place while the new house was being built they thought Al would love to have a dog. Not at first but you can not love this dog.

Now another thing about me I do not like to be late. I am a lot afraid of change so this stuff at work changing scares me. But Al. Al is neurotic about a schedule. He gets up promptly at 4:30 in the morning so he can get ready for work and have time to spend with Radar in the morning before work. He walks him around the park out in front of mom's house. Up until this week that was the walk they have taken 4 times a day for more than 10 years. Rain or shine. Radar likes the wind blowing his ears back. Since he likes the pool he is clearly not afraid of a little rain.

 There are a few specific memories I have stored of Radar.  First memory is the walk. As you are pulling up or leaving my mom's house you will see Al and Radar walking. Al carrying the leash and Radar walking at his side. You just see their backs walking down the street. Seem's harmless but that is going to make me cry. The other is from a photograph of Radar in the pool a 130lb yellow lab with a childs intertube around his neck and he is sitting on the seat on the far side of the pool. Radar and I have one thing in common. When the kids are in the pool we stay to the far side and try to keep our head from getting wet. Don't care if my hair gets wet, just do not like to get splashed in the face.

Everybody has a pet name for Radar, bad dog, the best dog, wiggle butt. Wiggle butt is Al's. Radar only has a stub of a tail and long floppy ears. Previous owner's choice. But that little tail shakes his whole body when he see's Al come home. He knows at 3:20 the sound of Al's car backing in the drive way is just seconds away. And before you can hear the muffler of his old Camero Radar is up and in position at the back door waiting. The last couple years mom has been bringing Radar in the house during the day for company after they go for their walk at noon. Now the afternoon ritual is not over. Al works outside and the second thing he does is go for a swim now this to was Radar's thing. Everyday. Swim in the pool. Lay on the patio until Al is ready to go in and dry off. Then in for the night except one last walk before bed promptly at 10.

Another thing with me. See I don't wait for someone to pass away to mourn. I do it first. I am so sad that the things I have will no longer be there. I do appreciate every moment that I spend at my mom's and I make sure to pet the dog and tell him to be good when I leave. I know it may be my last time to see him. I followed this same with my Grandma at the end. Made sure to say hello and good bye,when I got to mom's and made sure to spend time with her when I could. And I missed her before she was gone. So I miss Radar now. I feel like crying everynight when my mom says that he fell. Breaks my heart when I am trying to get him up and he doesn't want to budge or can't. Those aren't the memories you want to hold on to but for now my head thinks of them. I see his eyes. They are the eyes of a puppy in an old dog. And I feel like he knows this life might have been hard at first, but they say dogs only have memories of about 7 seconds so if that is the case he has had it good and could want for nothing. Another thing Al and I have in common. See in my adult life I have had many cats that I speak of often and 2 dogs. And there have been times with my own animals that I would be going through these same feelings with all of them. There are moments to this day that I picture. Some at the beginning like when Blake was a kitten laying on Brian's chest purring louder than a motorboat so small he fit in the palm of his hand or the day he passed laying on Brian's lap purring louder than a motorboat not the big old fat shit head that he had been but still a loveable ball of orange fur.

And lastly a lasting memory of Radar that will hopefully be finished someday as a children's book. As a child Brian's mom told a story about why dog's sniff each others tails. Well this story has spun around my head for the last 20 years and last year I committed it to paper and have a friend who is drawing the illustrations for it. Well I am not going to tell the story but in my book it is set in the times when dogs were in charge and of course Radar is the king. Well that as much as I am willing to share but when this project is finished it will be a forever memory that I plan on sharing with kids everywhere. So in the end Everyone will love Radar not because he is king but because Radar has pride in himself and will not settle for less than the royal best.
Love you forever bad dog.

Peace be with you.

Funny these words I have heard my entire life. At church I would hear them said at the beginning, The Grace and Peace of the Lord be with you all. A simple message to say, I wish you all Grace and Peace unlike you could ever imagine in this world. 

I have mentioned before that I do not speak of Lilly, I did not know her but on her birthday this year I posted a picture of her with the simple phrase, Peace Lilly. There is no more to say.

Pastor Vicki spoke today of Peace. This same Peace that I wish for Lilly I truely wish for myself and others. I have read so much lately of the events of last year. Probably too much. So many are still saddened by these events and the loss of their friends and family members. A few do not seem to have found their Peace yet. Unfortunately Vicki said, she doesn't have a cape or flashlight to offer as protection against the things that scare us. But to me she does. She offers her smile in the face of her own Grief. She offers a hug when she knows you need it. That is Peace.

I started off going to write about the church I grew up in and the one I attend today. But now. I think of a person that feels blame for the events of last year. This is another person I do not know. A person I may have laid some of the blame on myself. But today I wish him Peace. He has family and friends around but I don't think he see's them for the comfort that they are. He only see's what he is missing. Peace be with you.

Funny how things work out. I wanted to say that my favorite part of church as a child was the offering of Peace. Right before Communion. The home stretch. The time you got to talk to your neighbor without being shushed. A time that a total stranger would say Peace be with you. Last year as my nieces and nephew prepared for their First Communion I would just say Peace. No matter how I felt it is always said with a smile. Well. This week has been a year since that First Communion. I celebrated Communion this morning in a church I had maybe been to twice before last year at this time but in the last nine months we have become regulars. A lady said Hello this morning and said how glad she was to see us an how she misses us when she doesn't see us sitting in the front. Who knew?

Honestly we do not go to be seen. We go to feel Peace. Somedays it seems to come easier than others.

I have offered prayers for Peace of the people of New York after Hurricane Sandy, those of Connecticut after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School and to those of Boston after the bombing. In all those offerings it is not just the peace that President's seek for their country but for true Peace in their hearts. So as mass ended one last reminder to go in Peace and Love and Serve the Lord.
Amen.

Today as every Sunday Vicki ends with a charge which reminds us to do the same:

Go out in the world in peace; have courage; hold on to what is good; return no one evil for evil; strengthen the fainthearted, support the weak and help the suffering; honor and respect everyone; love and serve the Lord, rejoicing in the power of the Holy Spirit.  And all God’s people said: Amen

A simple message of Peace. Words we may all say as we walk out the door each morning.

Peace. Amen.

Moving on

I don't know where to start today. I thought I had something to say but I really have just a lot of nothing rolling around inside my head tonight. Do I talk about time passing and getting on or falling behind or never moving on at all. Projects that have been set aside or Christmas decorations never put out and just put back up where they belong today. Today, April 27. Doesn't that seem ridiculous in 4 months we could not find 30 minutes to put away decorations we did not use last year.  It always seems like there is either something else going on or someone else I am trying to help. But really no excuse.

I had updated our virus software on the computer in November and it did not install correct. I have ignored it until last week. It took about 20 minutes and I had it fixed. I just could not figure it out? Couldn't be bothered? Why have I put these simple tasks off? I couldn't even begin to answer.

I cleaned my house for the first time in a year just 2 weeks ago. Not that I haven't washed dishes or taken out the garbage or done laundry but for the most part since our nieces left last summer, it has been it is what it is. If I don't need it don't worry about it. But a reporter from Arizona came to talk to us and Hugo about how this last year has been. I thought after the interview I would have something to share. I don't. I have mostly worried that what was said that day would be misconstrued or misunderstood not by you the average reader but by Brittany and the rest of the family.

Not that I think I said something wrong but sometimes I feel bad that I put my feelings out for others to read as though my feelings are important. Who am I. It was not my sister. I can not begin to imagine. It was not my mother. I speak to mine every night on my way home from work. Similar to Lisa, who also talked to her mom everyday. And I worry about my mom's health and that one day I will not be able to make that call. Which reminds me of a story about Kody.

When Kody (our dog of 14 years) was still alive he would always get the last bite of food I had, from whatever meal I was eating. As he got older I would tell him. One day I am going to cry that I get to eat my last bite of food. Kody has been gone now for 4 years and we now have Princess who has picked right up where Kody left off but the six months in between. I would leave that last bite and think of Kody. And yes I would cry.

I can go on and on about things that I have not done in the last year but in the last few weeks have finally made my self take care of. There are still a lot more things that need to be done but I feel like I am getting somewhere. Brian cut the grass yesterday and the yard looks good but could also use some help so hopefully over the next few weeks I can get after some of that.

Now as for the last few weeks we have found out that one of the girls that used to work with Brian passed away, a friend of mine from work lost her daughter and my nephew lost the Behavioral Specialist from his school that would talk to him everyday and the Pastor at church lost her mom.  I feel so sad for all of them.

Which makes me think about mortality and my life and those around me and that I can not stand the thought of being without the people I am closest to and I worry about the thought of Brian having to be without me. These are the thoughts that make me cry tonight. I know you have to move on as they say but some days I just don't know how.

We are planning a trip to Alaska this summer while Brian's brother is still there. Planning isn't the right word. I have scheduled the time off but have no idea about anything else and it is only weeks away. Usually I would have a list of things that need to be done before and who will take care of what while we are gone but I just don't. I have read some about Alaska and I know there are things I want to do but I don't have a schedule or itinerary. See glaciers and eagles. Visit Denali, maybe see the pipeline and take lots of pictures of animals and the vast emptiness. If you can not get motivated for a trip of a life time like this what can you.

Well Miss Brittany is turning 21 and at the end of our trip and if all goes well we will be meeting up in Las Vegas to celebrate her birthday with her. This makes me smile. This is something that we talked about last summer that her and her mom had planned to do and I wanted to make sure that it was seen through along with her dad and Brian.

So one step at a time I am trying to not worry about what I can not control and take care of what I can today and leave the rest for tomorrow. Smile when things go right and for right now cry when they don't.

It is not a year later but 365 days one at a time that has been tough for a lot of people in a lot of ways.

So, Peace Lilly, Amber, Lisa and Jim and Peace for all of you.

Goodnight.

The News

I have said many times since I started writing my blogs that we do not watch the news anymore. I have wondered through the last year and thought I might be missing out on what is going on in the world but every time I turn on the TV or I am somewhere where there is a TV on I find that I am not missing out on anything good. So now I must seem like some sort of hermit to the rest of the world. Not knowing what is going on. But that reminds me of a tour guide we had in Yellowstone, he told us that he lived in Yellowstone year round and that they do not get any TV reception and if it is not on the top half of the USA Today he does not know it happens. That was his daily news to stop and read the headline through the window on the Newspaper box. Well I now think this would be bliss.

Well today I went to eat at one of my favorite places for a late breakfast. Taking a couple mental health days alone. Just been getting a little to close to the edge lately and feel like I am on the brink. The anxiety and the tears are right there and I really can't explain why.

Just like a lot of places there is a TV on. It is on CNN. Nothing against CNN but is there never a good story to tell anymore. So my brunch included The memorial service for the bombing victims in Boston and a Sink Hole in Chicago that swallowed 3 cars with video footage of one of the cars falling into the hole and for the icing on the cake a Fertilizer Plant in Texas blew up. This was all in about 30 minutes.

All of these things I would not have to know if I wouldn't have looked. But with the TV on I guess I get the feeling if I'm not paying attention I will miss something. Or maybe just hoping some good will shine through at the end. Well I would be ok with not knowing. The image of a man who was clearly in the Fertilizer Plant during the explosion with cuts and blood splattered on his face must make for excellent ratings but makes for a terrible partner for a meal. I was trying to think back to when this obsession started. I guess the first Gulf War. So much could be watched live on TV 24 hours a day with only breaks for commercials and if it is just to terrible to break away for a commercial we will run them side by side like a Nascar race or keep the Crawl scrolling across the bottom of the screen. Why have we become a people obsessed with knowing everything terrible right away.

I usually get my news at work and that is where I was when the bombs went off in Boston. This is a subject I was not going to write about. I don't know why. But I wasn't going to. But I feel like as I wrote in December in What have we become? again another group of Americans are again going to start the process. The Grief. The Anger. The Pain. Hopefully the Healing.

Those viewers who soak up the news and feed off knowing everything. I just wonder if the people doing these horrible things are doing them for you. Not personally but to have their 15 minutes to be on TV. Or do these people committing the crimes just want to show how smart they are. By watching the play by play the of the police trying to solve the crime. Is the news their own Law and Order, Criminal Minds or CSI? See if they see them self on TV. I know these are pretty sick images of Human Beings but how or why else. The only word for me is Terror. The excitement of knowing others are running scared and the person committing the crime feeds from it. This is why I was not going to write about the bombing. It paints a bleak picture. And my words are painting images that no artist would put brush to paper to create.

So here we are for the I don't know how many times I am going to plead that the people hurt heal both mentally and physically. And again for those obsessed with knowing  I said it best in December "I think the best we could collectively do as a people is turn off the damn tv for the next week and let their advertising dollars go straight to hell", that continue to show the pain and suffering of others. The people showing these images do not know the effect it has on some. And would make a story of the suffering if they could make a buck.

I am sure there is no Beautiful World Channel because who would watch, but I know it is getting to the point that I would not be the only viewer. I love to watch Aerial America on Smithsonian and there used to be a show on called Sunrise and it was that first hour in the morning as the sun rose over some place any place. I saw ones that were from Tibet and Maine and the Everglades. The Sunrise showed the natural sounds of the morning Frogs and Birds letting each other know it is time to start another busy day. There was another show that showed different places from a Hot Air balloon. These shows are full of beauty, architecture, culture and history.

I will end with a happy image. How about a show of elementary school kids getting off the bus the last day of school in the summer full of anticipation and excitement for the summer ahead. Showing off their awards for perfect attendance or a prized picture made for their mom to mark the end of another great school year and a beginning of a fun and adventurous summer. Now that must bring back some memories and make you smile. It does me and there they are the tears again...

Grief

Cbarlie Brown says it best Good Grief.

Leading up to this interview tomorrow, scratch that today. It is 1:30 AM and here I am. My head spinning and I am wide awake.

I was thinking how has this LOSS changed us over the last year. Well as for me. I have Grieved. Now since I have been through this before like anyone who has had a loss. I think the magnitude and the way that this has happened has made this different.

In reading the steps of Grieving it says how you accept the loss of your loved one. Well, How 'bout loved 3. So is that 3 times the grief. 3 times the Anger, 3 times the Guilt, 3 times the Depression, 3 times we will start to recover and 3 times we will start working through this and 3 times we will start to feel the Acceptance.

I have spoke in my blog of Lisa and Amber both I knew. Even though we lived apart what I did not know  personally I learned a lot from Brian. He has told me stories about Lisa and their brother when they were kids and he has told me of times with Lisa and Hugo. Here is a great story he told me of a trip he took with Lisa and Hugo when Amber was a toddler. They were crossing from Texas into Mexico and Amber had a potty chair along for the ride. Well she used it right before they got to the border and the officers thought that by Lisa spraying perfume in the car to cover the odor of the potty chair that they were possibly covering up something else. Well this little event earned Amber the nick name Poo-poo head. Uncle Brian would talk to her on the phone and ask how his little poo-poo head was. Or is that you poo-poo head. She would kill me for telling that story in public as an adult but then again maybe not. Just another memory to share.

But I have stayed away from Lilly. Lilly is a whole nother ball of wax. I did not know her. I did not ever get to hold her or talk to her. I can not even try to list all the things that I will never get to do with her. If you think that kind of sadness can be accepted away. Forget it.

I never knew Jim. I am glad to see the pictures of him with Amber and Lilly they are all smiles. So I am glad they had him. Sorry he was there that day. Sorry any of them were.

I learned when Kody (our dog of 14 years) died the steps in the Grief process and I learned that they do not have to come in order. Because life is usually not that clean cut and straight forward.

I have seen the progress over this last year. I was reading over my blogs and there are certain ones I read a lot. It is as therapeutic as talking to myself to read the words I have written. So some of the steps I could even put a date on when I experienced them.

February 6, 2013 I felt Acceptance and Hope.
December 12, 2012 I felt Depression and Reflection.
November 17, 2012 I was feeling it all Anger, Denial, Depression and Acceptance.

So for however far we have all come I feel like I have a ways to go in this process. I am hoping by next year some of the things I have not yet shared will be shared and will help me move past them. Some things I will never share with the class. Some things I have to share. Like when I shared the story of the day of their Viewing. I have shared to try to forget but as with the night I wrote after the Sandy Hook Shooting. It bothered me more to think I put the words down for people to read that might upset others grieving as well. So I removed parts of that blog.

The point of this exercise has been from the beginning to help myself heal. Hurting others will never do that. Sharing things others do not know will not help either. I will stop here because this is where I will pick up next time.

Now that I have spent my 5 cents and spilled my guts to Lucy I hope to be able to go to sleep. Tomorrow scratch that today it is now 2:27AM will be busy.

Good night.

A Year Later

So the feelings are out. Some are more easily defined now looking back then at the time. GRIEF is a funny thing. Shock trys to protect your brain from absorbing everything at once yet as it sinks in you can see all the layers and feelings that are there.

Even though rehashing this is not going to bring anyone back. I hope it will help someone see the signs so the first thing I am going to talk about is DENIAL. Lisa called me once and talked about breaking up with him. Once. That was my opportunity. She wanted me to come to Arizona so she could get him to move out. I told her she could do it. She never said why she couldn't. I should have pressed more. Could have asked more questions. But I didn't.

Which brings you to the GUILT. I don't live there never met him didn't even know his name but I feel guilt. Lisa said she wanted to break up with him. Get him to leave. Why didn't I go. I was unemployed. I thought she is a grown woman why can't she handle this by herself. Now I know.

If it is not the guilt it is BLAME, Why didn't someone there help more. Why didn't they see the signs. WHY. Since I don't want to break my own rule about mentioning others in less than a perfect light. I will not mention anymore about blame. But I feel it. And I feel guilty for blaming someone else for something like this.

On a positive note I can now say THANKS. THANKS to the counselors at the Gilbert Police Department that spoke to us. The Chaplain that brought us food. The Air Force Chaplains that came to the funeral in support of their brother in arms who did the impossible and Celebrated the life of his sister, niece and great niece.  The first responders who's lives were also changed by this horrible event.
And the Hospice and other Counselors, Pastors and friends that have helped after we all returned home. I hope you all know how import it is that you were there that day and the days have followed. At the funeral the undercover police officers and those in uniform that kept us safe.

Brian and his family we are all closer. I love that we got to spend time with Brittany this past summer and have been able to spend days with her since. I love that we got to have her and her cousins with us for a few weeks last summer.

Brian is right. If we help just one girl get the courage to get up and leave a bad situation without getting hurt anymore. Or if this saves a child from being beaten we have done a great service to the world and that family and should be worth the cost we have already paid.

So again if you know anyone in a situation that you are not sure about. Ask the questions. Offer assistance but do not put yourself in danger. Be Safe.

Touched by God

I am sharing this today because I do not want to carry it with me any longer. It has been written down since the days after it happened. I did not know when to share it. Since it was already written down. Usually for my mind that is enough. I have continually felt that I need to share it but is the time right. Well it is Dec 31 and as the year draws to a close I want to try to look forward not so hard to cause anxiety but not to look back and drop back into depression. So today I share just how God can help a family through such a tragedy. Let it give hope to those that have suffered similar tragedy this year.

Have you ever been touched by God? I have. I know it sounds weird maybe even crazy but as these events happened I knew it. I knew I could not go through this day alone and even surrounded by family it was not enough. But on May 9, 2012 I experienced how all of heaven was with us that day.

We were preparing to attend a private viewing of Brian's sister Lisa, daughter Amber and grand daughter Lilly. First we were going by their house with Brian's parents. They had not been there yet. Brian and I were yesterday but I felt that this might be too much with his parents.

We all got out of the cars and paused at the memorial outside the house. Typical of what you see on TV when some horrific act of violence has taken place. Candles, balloons, stuffed animals and even a children's prayer book and a wooden cross with their names on it. Brian's brother had walked us through the events of the week before yesterday but like I said this is the first time for his parents. Brian's brother and father walked through and Brian and I waited for his mom. I knew she did not need to hear what I heard the day before but I did not know what to say. As we were walking in the house we stopped at the entrance and she saw the bullet hole in the wall. She put her hand up to it and asked if this was where it happened and I said, yes. She looked down to the floor. The carpet had been removed but there was a moving blanket covering the concrete. She said, all of them and I said, Yes. I did not feel anymore details were needed. And I knew knowing more was not going to make it any easier. We went to Brittany's room where an angel as big as the wall was painted by Brian's father when the girls were small to watch over his grand babies. Now the guardian that protected Brittany. As she saved her life while Brittany hid a week before. Another reminder that Brittany's life had been spared. Not once but twice.

As we walked back outside the sky was getting dark. Clouds rolling in. The wind was picking up. One last pause out front a reminder that we would never return.

I have never seen anything but clear skies in Arizona but today was not a normal day. We headed to the funeral home to the viewing I do not think any of us were prepared for.  As we arrived the sky was now dark with clouds and the wind blew across an open field so hard it pushed us out of the car and into the funeral home along with huge drops of rain falling.  The kind of wind when you open the umbrella it turns inside out. As we all got in the door it slammed shut protecting us from the violent storm outside.

We stood together as a family. Waiting while the last minute flowers were arranged. We held hands and prayed for strength as we did the wind blew outside through the alcove it sounded like screams. It was unreal. I have never heard anything like it before.

The doors opened. Am I prepared? The thought that I had never seen Lilly other than in pictures on Brian's phone. We walked in as a group. Brian and I hung back. His parents walked to Lisa as Hugo and Brittany walked to Amber and Lilly. They are together. I kept thinking can I do this?

I don't remember which we went to first. Amber and Lilly together. Beautiful Lilly. Her little hand wrapped around Amber's finger. She is adorable. Why had we never visited? And Amber the last time we saw her she and Brittany were trying to take care of themselves after the car accident that had hospitalized their mom for 9 months.

We greeted friends and family. Lilly's father part of me wanted to blame him. But it is no more his fault than anyone else. Lisa had only a few very close friends. I don't remember their names but there were 2 of them that visited with her and provided moral support. They were very supportive today especially of Brittany. God help her. Amber's husband Brandon, we told them to wait to get married but young people do what young people do.

It is now just drizzling out. I stood outside with Brian. Brandon came over and said he remembered us visiting the last time and what a great time the girls had with us. Again I thought to blame. But it would again not do any good.

We went back inside. Brian's parents were ready to go. One last time to see them. I had my mother's day cards I had written for each. I put them next to their hand. I touched Lilly's little hand and wondered again, Why? I brushed Amber's telling her to take care of her precious baby until we meet again. Brian said he wanted to touch Lisa's hand as well. I told her she will never feel pain again.

As we left the rain had stopped the sky was clearing. We had made it. We can get through this. I don't know what we were talking about in the car but I commented on the sky again. What a beautiful sunset. Pink and purple clouds. It was when it all made sense.

God was so sad to see us suffer through this day. The wind howling, sounding like screams, the rain first the large tear drops of Angels and then the pouring rain from all of Heaven and clouds rolling across the sky. But now clear skies and a beautiful sunset. We are all going to be ok and Lisa, Amber and Lilly along with Jim are now safe with Him forever.

Giving Thanks

I thought it appropriate this week that I speak of Thanksgiving. Now most of you reading this will sit down at some point on Thursday and eat the biggest meal of year so far. And most will say some sort of prayer of Thanks for the things you have and food on the table and the hands that prepared it. My father always mentions the men and women serving in the Armed Services that are not home with their family.  And then dig in. But maybe this week on this Thursday stop and be thankful for how blessed you are to maybe have a job and if not a job how thankful you are to be with your family, maybe even have a roof over your head.

As a reminder it has been only 19 days since Hurricane Sandy made an unexpected visit to our friends to the north in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and other states upon the Eastern Seaboard. Some of those visited no longer have homes to be thankful for. They have their life to be thankful for. They may not have electricity or hot water but they still have their family together. Some may have lost family members but they still have the clothes on their back and a warm meal to eat being prepared by volunteers. In other words some people lost everything just 19 days ago. They are trying to find a way to get through each day, each week and the months to come without loosing their mind.

Hurricane Sandy is just one example of the tragic loss that people from all walks of life all over the world have dealt with this this year. But from the tragedy we are able to look at and appreciate the smaller things in life that we just assume we will always have.

I have a friend in New York that has invited friends over that live in lower Manhattan and let them charge their wireless devices, offered a hot shower and meal before they go back to living as those who lived in the same part of New York in the early 1900's with the advantage of batteries to power their handheld devices to warm their hands while the power is out and the temperature is low by the glow of their ipod or tablet. A laptop you no longer put a pillow on your lap to protect from the heat you can use it to warm your lap.

So maybe on Thursday evening when you are sitting home after eating a delicious meal prepared with love by someone you don't know how you would live without. Turn off the lights and the tv and the heat and think of the people up north that are doing the same thanks to Sandy for 5 minutes. First you will realize how long that is to be without, but remember those still without power have been doing the same for 19 days. Some may have days or weeks to come before the smallest luxury electricity can be restored. When you turn the lights and the tv back on remember that is a blessing because those without do not have that choice. They will wake up Friday not at 4AM preparing to go shopping because the retail world tells us we can get a better price before the sun comes up. Some will wake up cold and alone but being thankful for what they have left and to those that are truly blessed they are not worrying about what they lost for that can not be regained.

No loss this great can truly be recovered from overnight. Life goes on and each day, each moment is living proof that you too are trying to move on as well. You will not forget what you lost but maybe build a future that you never expected out of it. A future that has love and family and a home just not the one you thought about on October 28th for those in the north or for those in Aurora, Colorado July 19th or those in Gilbert, Arizona on May 1st. I could go on and on. About people and their tragedy which may not be a loss that had media coverage but a loss of a job or a loss of a spouse or a Grandmother or even a cat. All of these losses are tragic to those that lived through them and the recovery though the time may be different the process is still the same. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They do not always come in order or one at a time but no matter what you do they will come.

On Thursday hug your family and remind them all how much they all matter. And be thankful what you have been given and accept what you have lost.

Happy Thanksgiving has a whole new meaning now.

Memories

Since so much of what I share is from memory. I thought  I would explain how mine works.

I remember a lot. At times everything. I have found this a curse more than a blessing. I have said it before when you remember everything you can never forget. Which sometimes means you don't forgive. I have gotten better at the second part as I have gotten older. I have learned it doesn't pay to be mad at someone forever. Funny thing is usually the person I am mad at forever doesn't even remember what made me mad in the first place.

My earliest memory is me standing on my parents bed being dressed. I was between 1 and 2 years old.      

I was getting dressed for church. Some would argue there must be a picture and you built a memory around it but there is no picture from that day. I do not remember every detail just 2 main parts. Getting dressed on the end of the bed in a pink and yellow dress with a wide white collar. Then I remember being at Clearwater High School walking holding my dad's hand in front of the Auditorium and in front of the X wing past the cafeteria and the classrooms. I did not know until I was in 8th grade where that memory was from for sure. My parents had told me that we did go to church in the high school auditorium until the church was completed in 1970 which I would have been 3.  I went to the church website to find out the dates and found the above picture. So somewhere in here is probably the back of my parents heads.

In 8th grade I attended with my mom the open house for 8th graders going into high school. As we walked in the auditorium. I remembered the place. The steps. Going up and down the steps with my dad. If we were not quiet in church one of our parents would take us outside. I remember that with my brother and sisters. But I only remember me and my dad this particular day. Walking along the X wing as they called it when I was in high school. There is a place that there are about 3 steps down and a ramp. I was walking on the ramp and my dad the steps. That is it. My first memory. 40+ years later still have it with me.

As I got older I found the way I remember things is by thinking about them. I was 23 the first time I remember my mind at work. It was Dec. 24, 1991 the day of my Grandma Helen's funeral. I worked for Eckerd. I left the store went to the Mass. What happened at the end I will not share. But the events are still clear in my mind. I was standing in the front pew with my dad on my right and my sister Billie to his right. Next thing I know I was about 12 rows back with my cousins. It was all like a movie. That afternoon I went back to work. Tried to make sense of what happened. No dice. Called my sisters and said, Do you keep seeing it happen over and over? They all said yes. So I figured out that when you see something crazy and your brain does not know what to do with it some people lock it in a file cabinet and others like me we review the footage over and over and over. Trying to make sense of what happened. But when I have memories I can not make sense of they are permanently en grained forever. Like a movie you've seen a million times and you know every word. Just these I always know the cast.

The worst is it is not just the visual memories but I also have audio. If I have heard something and for whatever reason I decide that this is thought provoking the words will stay with me. Arguments, News stories and even the crazy stuff the people that sat behind us Friday at Las Mariachis said. I will not share with you their discussion but I will share how witty my husband is. When these 3 people left the restaurant Brian was outside on his phone and the female stopped and picked up a partially smoked cigarette out of the ashtray and looked at Brian and said, It is not as disgusting as it looks, this is mine. Brian replied, That is not nearly as disgusting as your table conversation. See why I married him.

So now another 20 years later and here I am with memories of a another place and time. Pictures that don't go away. Some of that week has faded but it has only been a few months and some moments are forever etched in my brain. The footage has been edited and is now fairly brief but forever there. It starts as a still photograph. Then the editor zooms in. I am right there. In the middle of it. I am so sorry for anyone else that has these kind memories. The ones that make you cry as soon as it starts and you can not make it go away.

I am left here to wonder why? Why me? Is there a point to me remembering. So, at this point in life I have decided to share my memories and stories with others. Others that will only remember some small amount of this but maybe pass on that little bit. As I have said before. You don't want to know all the gritty details of things I have to remember. See, I said it, I have to remember. I didn't even realize that I wrote it. But there it is in black and white. My fingers know the words before my head yet they speak the truth.

So this Saturday night I sit alone in the quiet with my memories. I give you this glimmer of hope. Even my memories fade. Not in a week or month or even 20 years but they do fade.

The End is the Beginning

I feel as though this chapter of my life started last May.

I was fired from my job. I hated it and loved at the same time. I don't do anything half way. It is all or nothing. And no matter what anyone there believes I gave all I had to the last day I worked there.

After which I found that I was so sick and weak that I had to have a blood transfusion.

So in a way that week part of me died. And part of me was renewed.

I lost old friends in the mix. But were they truely friends if they no longer call or have nothing to do with me because we do not work together anymore. I still have contact with 3 people from that job. We get together as we did before and always will.

Just like Eckerds after 20 years. There are still some that almost 8 years later I still speak to and see. Not as much as I like, but I do.

Now with my new chapter, new job I again have new friends. Some will be come old friends and some will fade with time. Sometimes I am suprized by the ones that stay and the ones that go.

Today made me think of the past year and how it has been a year of endings and a year of beginnings.
Brian and I had a terrible loss of a family. But we have had new additions. We have had the joy of sharing our house with our nieces this summer from Alaska and Arizona. The joy of getting to know them and them us. The memories made will never be forgotten. 4th of July on the back steps of City Hall watching fireworks over the bay. Uncle Brian taking the girls to Adventure Island. The girls got to know each other better as well. Sharing time together watching movies and I will never forget the afternoon we came home from work and all of them were sleeping on the couch snug as 3 bugs in a rug.

So today I attended church as Brian and I have the last few weeks. Last week we shared our story of loss with the church for their Domestic Violence Charity offering. But today I went alone and had a gift of renewal again. They spoke this morning of giving up your worldly belongings to get everything back.

Just like in the book Eat, Pray and Love. As the story goes the husband and wife are in the process of divorcing and the husband is a mooch and takes and takes. Finally she says fine take it all. I want nothing but to be rid of you ( I paraphrase). But in the end she travels she is renewed in life and prayer and again finds Love.

So, Again we have met new people at church that have welcomed us and some of these same people I feel will become old friends. For Brian attending First Church is like going home to a familar place. Where to me it is like a new job not sure what to do or say and following the lead of others but yet made to feel comfortable as they show the way.

I was thinking we have given up so many things in the last year me without a job yet we did not suffer. We still had a roof over our head and food to eat. We lost family and my cat Mary. Dear Mary who had so much of me in her. Her and I were a pair for 21 years. She would only let most people pet her a few times and then she would scratch or bite them. Those who know me know that I can sometimes be the same way. Don't want anything too close. But always loving those who take the time to know me and let me know them so I am not afraid of their love and I let them in.

So as I go to work this week and live my life I am going to give all I have and in return expect nothing. So everything I get in return will be a blessing.

Family

Some people believe that family is the people that live within their house. Some believe it is their Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents and people they see at the holidays. Some believe that they have friends that are as close as family and include all of the above.

Some people do not know the value of what they have. A family is a support system. A village that will help with anything or everything. The family that wants to be a part of your life and share in your joy and sorrow. Help you get through whatever trouble that you are going through.

Some people think they are an island and are not able to reach out to other islands. No telephone or telegraph, no texting or facebook. They are afraid. Afraid of what could happen. What someone would say worse yet what someone might think or do.

I am sometimes that peron who is afraid. I worry about what someone will say. But I have learned in life sometimes you have to reach out to others for help. It does not make you weak or less able to deal with your own troubles. It just makes you human.

If you think that your family just lives within the four walls of your house, there may not be someone who understands or that you can share your trouble or fear with. Maybe that is who you are fearful of.

Maybe you are limiting yourself and what you can be by not reaching out or up. I am not of the religious type. I am very faithful. Sometimes I just have to believe that things are going to get better. But if I do not make a change nothing is going to get better or worse.

So where am I going. I started this thinking of one person. In the time it has taken to write it I have thought of two others. Not in the same situations. But limiting your family to your house is like saying I only shop at one store or can only see out one window. I want to see out all the windows and I may even want a skylight to look up.

If you are someone who needs help and does nothing. You are always going to be someone that needs help. If you are someone who gets help then you are able to help others. That is me today. Not in every aspect of my life but in most. I try to remember that others have worse problems than me. There are those with more sorrow and more pain and even more fear.

If you have Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents that support you and your endeavors appreciate them and let them know. Return the gift of support. Sometimes a visit or a card could mean the world to a person you assume they know how much they mean to you. I did not mention a text or a facebook message. Put some effort into it. They are your family.

If you live in four walls with someone that you are scared of ask for help. Go out and ask for it. Demand it. Because you deserve a life that you are not afraid. That you are happy. Happy is not a white picket fence and 2.3 kids. Happiness is getting up in the morning and making choices for yourself. Healthy choices, mentally  and physically. Going to bed at night and knowing that you and all that live under your roof are safe and sound and knowing that you will sleep better and wake up tomorrow knowing you deserve happiness.

So tonight I am going to bed knowing that Brian and I are safe and sound. Tomorrow we will get up and go to church and I will think of those that are not. Not safe and sound and those that are no longer with us.

Happy Birthday Lisa.


                            I am thinking of you.