Peace and Grace

 Fifty-nine trips around the sun later. It is funny how at sixteen I knew it all, yet all these years later I have more questions than answers. All those years ago, my parents and I lived in a house with extra space. Over the years they filled that space and then some with my siblings but for that first year, it was just me. 

I remember so much of my childhood even parts people say I shouldn't be able to remember but yet I hold those memories like little clips of video reels stuck in my head. Remember when, I was about two and my mom was getting me dressed on the end of my parents bed. Remember when, we went to church at Clearwater High because Light of Christ was still being built. Remember dad holding my hand while I walked down the hallway in front of the cafeteria at Clearwater High after church.  No one is left but me, and my parents could never believe that those were memories and not stories that I made up that I remembered.

There is a memory of a story I don't remember but my dad told me when I was in about 7th grade. I was writing a paper about getting over something hard. I had no idea what I was going to write. My dad said, he remembered a time when he and I were walking and I tripped and dad stood there waiting for me to get up. There were these two ladies and they said to him aren't you going to pick her up? My dad said, I won't always be there for her. She needs to be able to get up on her own. That story has stuck with me. Now a days the world makes video reels about oldest children and how they need to learn to ask for help. At a very small age were we all told we don't need anyone to help us. Is that why we are stubborn and can't ask for help now?

Last night I met my sister Beth and her girls Emily and Ashley for ice cream. When we were leaving I mentioned that my brother's birthday is coming up next and we should take him out to lunch in the next few weeks. My niece asked if I wanted to have lunch with them by myself to celebrate my birthday with just the girls and Paul or if I wanted to share that with Al. My sister laughed and said she has been sharing her birthday with Al her whole life. We have always kidded each other about sharing birthdays. My sister Tori had her daughter Alex on our sister Beth's birthday. Since genealogy has always been a hobby of mine I have always believed that there are days that seem to matter in a family. Dad died on his parents wedding anniversary. Tori was born on my mom's parents anniversary. Some of the numbers of birthdates go in order: 15,16,17,18 then there are the outliers 5.22,24. Then there are the later numbers that lay to the side of the originals: 23.25 and 26 which takes the outliers and makes another group. Oh I almost forgot my day is shared by my aunt and uncle that got married on my birthday. They didn't know it was my birthday until their wedding day. See they gave me a pair of Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls. I thanked them for the birthday gift and they were really a gift for being the flower girl in their wedding. We were all confused that day.

In my 59 trips around the sun, I have spent more with Brian than I ever did with my parents or siblings. Yet somehow those first sixteen years, made their mark, left the scars and opened wounds that like a diabectics foot that will never heal. LOL. Not many would laugh at that analogy but not many would think of it either. Then again there are the lessons I learned, to be independent to stand up for myself and others. My ability to know what others feel and the empathy I have for them somehow was it always there or was it learned as well? 

Still more questions. In my adult years most of which I have spent with Brian we have had our moments as well. There are the ones that left scars and those that opened my heart like no surgeon ever could. Unfortunately, to open my heart they didn't crack my ribs. Just straight in with surgical prescision some have come into my  life and once they entered my heart they didn't close the door when they left. My pets would be one example. We are have had four dogs and six cats share our home and none of them sewed up the spot they entered my heart. Even Riley with his underbite ripping through my semi-old lady skin, I couldn't give him up. Maybe I am just a glutten for punishment.

Back to that know it all sixteen year old, she was a piece of work. So smart, yet naive. There are times I have questioned how it could be that I know somethings and other things that seem to be common knowledge to some is an obscure concept for me. It doesn't bother me when people don't get me. I understand that. My brain is clearly wired differently than most. I don't find it to be all bad. There are parts of me that people have told me along the way that I should fix. I shouldn't carry other people's back pack. It refers to me lugging along others problems as though they were mine and sometimes I set down my own and don't pay them any attention because of someone elses that I want to help. I understand the concept. It goes back to dad and that I need to help myself but there are times I dream of my load being lightened by someone willing to pick up my slack, but then again some of my slack I am the only one that can fix it or resolve it or carry it. 

As the new day is litterally about to dawn on my sixtith trip around the sun. I hope that my heart being opened for others will let me learn to give myself grace. That same grace I would offer any other living soul. I should offer to myself. That is the lesson I need to learn this year. Peace and Grace.

Dog Gone Good Memories

So it has been two years since I started writing this blog and I thought tonight I would write about my blog and how things have changed over the last two years or how they are all still the same, but I haven't posted anything since June. Why you ask? It is not that I haven't started to write. One night I started about Fate and one night about some movies I had watched and one night about some old demons. But I have finished none.  Posted none. Sometimes I don't have time or energy, sometimes I do not feel it and really tonight is no different. I am exhausted I have worked day and nignt for the last week. We are learning a new software at work and it has been busy. And we have a few more weeks til we change over to the new software and I hope I get it.  But on a plus my one day off I got to spend with Brian and my next day off we are off together to. That has not been the norm. Our last day off together was on vacation in June. Ironic. June was my last post. June I was in the hospital.

Now it is September and I am not sure where the summer went. I know my sisters went on vacation because we watched their dogs. Felt like all I did all summer was watching someone elses dog. And now September and I am just sick over my brother's dog. Don't talk about Al much. He is just a year younger than me. We are both left handed and our birthdays are just 13 days apart. Well I am a year and 13 days older than him. As kids we shared a room, we shared our birthday. There are times where we are the same and times when we are different. I called him tonight to see how he is doing. He said ok. He said he knows where things our heading. See not much on talking. But we are together. And I did not want him to believe for a minute that he was alone. If he needs me I am here. And would be there in a second to help him however I could.

When I talk to mom each night she tells me how Radar is doing but she doesn't mention Al. This thing with us. Not very touchy feely family well. Not at all really. My friends that have been around awhile are laughing. Loudly. Someone at work the other day was talking about the being a hugger and said they totally had me pegged for one and I laughed. I have gotten better with age but it is hard to change after a whole life of not. But my heart is breaking for Radar. Radar is Al's dog.

Since I always say. I didn't know what I was going to write about. Just so you know. Now is the time that I thought of the title for this blog and know what it it is about. I know you are thinking but Jeanne really you are three paragraphs in and at the beginning of the second paragraph I knew where you were going. See. Guess you all are just quicker than me.

Radar didn't start out as Al's dog. See my first memory of Radar is in my sister Tori's pool. Sitting on the bench on the side just chillin' by himself. I thought that is the craziest dog. Well Radar did not even start out as her dog. I don't know where his life started but he ended up with my sister because her husband loves to save animals. Now again, I would not put Tim in the category of touchy feely person but he is definately an animal person.  He may be the one who saves the dog but he can not keep them all. I remember my niece was just about 6 or 7 when Tim first saved Radar. She is now 21. But when they sold their house and were moving into a smaller place while the new house was being built they thought Al would love to have a dog. Not at first but you can not love this dog.

Now another thing about me I do not like to be late. I am a lot afraid of change so this stuff at work changing scares me. But Al. Al is neurotic about a schedule. He gets up promptly at 4:30 in the morning so he can get ready for work and have time to spend with Radar in the morning before work. He walks him around the park out in front of mom's house. Up until this week that was the walk they have taken 4 times a day for more than 10 years. Rain or shine. Radar likes the wind blowing his ears back. Since he likes the pool he is clearly not afraid of a little rain.

 There are a few specific memories I have stored of Radar.  First memory is the walk. As you are pulling up or leaving my mom's house you will see Al and Radar walking. Al carrying the leash and Radar walking at his side. You just see their backs walking down the street. Seem's harmless but that is going to make me cry. The other is from a photograph of Radar in the pool a 130lb yellow lab with a childs intertube around his neck and he is sitting on the seat on the far side of the pool. Radar and I have one thing in common. When the kids are in the pool we stay to the far side and try to keep our head from getting wet. Don't care if my hair gets wet, just do not like to get splashed in the face.

Everybody has a pet name for Radar, bad dog, the best dog, wiggle butt. Wiggle butt is Al's. Radar only has a stub of a tail and long floppy ears. Previous owner's choice. But that little tail shakes his whole body when he see's Al come home. He knows at 3:20 the sound of Al's car backing in the drive way is just seconds away. And before you can hear the muffler of his old Camero Radar is up and in position at the back door waiting. The last couple years mom has been bringing Radar in the house during the day for company after they go for their walk at noon. Now the afternoon ritual is not over. Al works outside and the second thing he does is go for a swim now this to was Radar's thing. Everyday. Swim in the pool. Lay on the patio until Al is ready to go in and dry off. Then in for the night except one last walk before bed promptly at 10.

Another thing with me. See I don't wait for someone to pass away to mourn. I do it first. I am so sad that the things I have will no longer be there. I do appreciate every moment that I spend at my mom's and I make sure to pet the dog and tell him to be good when I leave. I know it may be my last time to see him. I followed this same with my Grandma at the end. Made sure to say hello and good bye,when I got to mom's and made sure to spend time with her when I could. And I missed her before she was gone. So I miss Radar now. I feel like crying everynight when my mom says that he fell. Breaks my heart when I am trying to get him up and he doesn't want to budge or can't. Those aren't the memories you want to hold on to but for now my head thinks of them. I see his eyes. They are the eyes of a puppy in an old dog. And I feel like he knows this life might have been hard at first, but they say dogs only have memories of about 7 seconds so if that is the case he has had it good and could want for nothing. Another thing Al and I have in common. See in my adult life I have had many cats that I speak of often and 2 dogs. And there have been times with my own animals that I would be going through these same feelings with all of them. There are moments to this day that I picture. Some at the beginning like when Blake was a kitten laying on Brian's chest purring louder than a motorboat so small he fit in the palm of his hand or the day he passed laying on Brian's lap purring louder than a motorboat not the big old fat shit head that he had been but still a loveable ball of orange fur.

And lastly a lasting memory of Radar that will hopefully be finished someday as a children's book. As a child Brian's mom told a story about why dog's sniff each others tails. Well this story has spun around my head for the last 20 years and last year I committed it to paper and have a friend who is drawing the illustrations for it. Well I am not going to tell the story but in my book it is set in the times when dogs were in charge and of course Radar is the king. Well that as much as I am willing to share but when this project is finished it will be a forever memory that I plan on sharing with kids everywhere. So in the end Everyone will love Radar not because he is king but because Radar has pride in himself and will not settle for less than the royal best.
Love you forever bad dog.