I always think it is strange that some things I can share here that I can't speak of in person. Sometimes it is easier here because I can pause and cry and re-think what I am trying to say that when I am looking someone in the face it is much harder to explain.So the hurricane last September was not the only storm that I survived last year. I turned 50 and thought that I was well on my way to menopause which the Doctor told me I was right on track. But this storm I have fought a lot longer. This one is inside of me and even though the pain has been very real there are no outside signs of my pain. There is no bruise or cast that I have worn but there are scars.
I have battled female problems for years. At first it was just bad periods and infertility. I make it sound like that wasn't a lot but the periods were pretty bad and the infertility well that don't go away easily. After Brian and I were married in 1998 we wanted to have kids. I thought we would have kids but we had already lived together 5 years and as hard as it is to put into writing I lost a baby I didn't know I had. I don't remember the date or the year but I know the feeling of not knowing why the pain hurt so bad for my period. I must be one of the most naive women in the world. After the fact I realized what it was I had just been through. That morning I sat on the couch having what my body was trying to tell me were some sort of contractions. My brain doesn't listen very well to my body. For the most part I have always fought the pain and stood up to the tiredness. In 2011 I paid the price for ignoring my bodies signs with the help of a wonderful Doctor. I had to have a blood transfusion.
After the transfusion I felt really good and couldn't remember feeling that good in a long time. It was like a miracle. A few days after the transfusion I had so much energy. The Doctor told me to never let myself feel that bad again. Not to long after that I had a procedure called and ablation to hopefully lessen the severity of my periods which it did for years. This to me was the sign that there would never be children which was a really hard pill to swallow. I have mourned for children I never had. Which is hard to explain to a woman that just wishes she had 5 minutes to herself. And as of last year I thought I was going to make it to menopause my Doctor said she felt I was right on track to be normal for that stage. Well, like I said in the beginning the hurricane was not the only storm I survived. My abnormal periods have been more and more abnormal. Lasting 3 or 4 weeks and worrying me that I was going to again need another transfusion. So I visited the Doctor again and after a biopsy and a ultrasound. She told me that I really need to have a DNC so that she can see what is going on inside me. I think how ironic that I don't want to loose a part of me that I have never had a use for.
In most women a uterus bares children as well as pain. Mine has only bared me pain. So why would I want to keep this appendix of my female organs. Because for some reason my brain says well God put it there for a reason. Sometimes I think the reason I had one was not for the children part but to share the pain I have bared. Like I said at the beginning I have a hard time sharing some of this face to face but if someone comes to me and expresses a problem related I will be more than happy to share that I have survived what they are going through. I once told a women that had a miscarriage it is a club you don't know exists until you belong. Lots of women belong and again there is no mark on the outside that shows what she has been through. The scars are on the inside. Sometimes it will show as tears on the face of a woman at a baby shower or a child's birthday party. Sometimes it is an inappropriate remark that she didn't mean to hurt anyone but since no one knows how she struggles with her own pain it is hard to express both the pain and the remorse for the untimely remarks.
A few weeks after the DNC back for a follow up and it became a pre-op visit for a hysterectomy. Everything from the DNC was benign but... but the doctor couldn't see everything and there is still a chance that there could be cancer. Well that is really all you had to say and even my scared stiff self knows that the hysterectomy is the way to go. I know some of you have anxiety and let me tell you at this moment this day mine was on high alert but if the doctor you go to is worth their salt and mine is. She sat there and held my hand literally until I understood what I needed and we had a date. 5 days later. Well there is no point putting it off. I have already paid my insurance deductible for the year and why worry any longer.
So I have 5 days to prepare for a surgery that will take me 4 weeks to recover from and Christmas and everything else. Well there were no Christmas tree or decorations last year between the two procedures I just didn't have it in me. But surprisingly I wasn't scared. The anesthesiologist the month before had made me get clearance from a cardiologist so I really wasn't worrying about anything but getting my Christmas shopping done in the next couple days and asking for the time off from work.
The day of the surgery I was at the hospital bright and early and the doctor came in and assured me that all was going to be fine. She said she would see me in the morning and if all was good and it will be I will be able to go home before lunch.
Well surgery went well and I remember waking up as I was in the elevator on the way to my room. I was pleasantly surprised to be in a room by myself. I heard Brian talking to my friend Lisa as I woke up. I was feeling pretty good considering. I remember the nurse explaining about the button for the pain medicine that I could push when I needed it. She asked what is your pain level on a scale of one to ten. I was almost embarrassed to say 3 maybe... Well after a few hours she said are you going to need that pain medicine. I said, I don't think so. I am not saying this didn't hurt at all. Just saying I have had worse periods then this surgery pain wise. I ate late because no one brought me my glasses and I couldn't read the menu without them. But after eating I rested and watched the tv channel with the classical music and pretty scenery. I was up early in the morning catheter out and sitting up in the chair already eating breakfast when the doctor walked in around 6am. We talked about things and my grossly over sized uterus and she said if I go to the bathroom and eat a little more I was good to go home. We talked about the level of pain and laughed. She said, she didn't want to say anything ahead of time but she had a feeling that my pain would be nothing compared to what my periods had been. I was in no rush but she got things going that by the time Brian got there before lunch I was eating and ready to go.
Those first couple weeks no driving, no lifting and rest. So I followed her directions and hung around the house watching Hallmark movies between Christmas and New Years and next thing I know I was on my way to the doctor for my first follow up appointment.
Now it has been a year since then and strangely I still have not gotten rid of all the paraphernalia that comes along with that time of the month but I can safely get rid of it now. I did stop loosing weight and have gained back 10 of the 40 pounds I had lost. But this year is get back on track and loose the next 40 pounds. I am glad I had a doctor that understood my pain and my anxiety. If it wasn't for her I may still be suffering with pain and who knows what other issues we avoided since I took her advice.
I can't say that I always follow the doctors instructions but I do listen and since she took the time to explain the whole thing and not sugar coat any of it. It all went well. Again big thanks to Dr. Jennifer Hayes.
