Before the Sun comes up

Ok. So if you remember back I had a funny post I called before the hot water runs out. It was an attempt at me explaining to you how my brain that never turns off and goes off on strange jaunts.

Well tonight or this morning. It is 4:34 in the morning. Dark and cold. I woke up had to go to the bathroom and needed a drink of water. I laid back down an hour ago and it started. Just a little thought that today I am going to go to the Plumb House with my nephew. He really likes history and is my best hope at being the keeper of the family things that I am going to pass all these family things on to. For those of you that don't know the Plumb House is where the Clearwater Historical Society is housed. It is an old wood frame house with a wrap around porch the kind that would have been here 100 years ago when Clearwater wasn't even a dot on the map. The Plumb House was moved to it's present location in 1983 (had to look it up). I was in high school then. I am going to pause here and regroup but this year in Clearwater's 100 year celebration I am going to do a post on the Plumb House.

See I have already digressed from my original thoughts. Stay focused Jeanne if you want to go back to sleep before the sun comes up. So as I thought about the Plumb House it made me think that I love that the Historical Society is going to start using South Ward Elementary School along with the local Genealogy Society. I love this because so much of our history in this area is torn down and turned into condos or some high rise hotel that I can not afford to stay in. All of which is ironic to me because the reason people originally came here was the sun, the sand or the water. You can't beat the weather here. Well not this week's weather but most of the time, this time of year the weather is mild and the mosquito's have taken a break from biting us and we can all get out and enjoy the sun and the sand and the water.

Which all that makes me think of North Ward Elementary School. My Alma mater. The only elementary school in the area that had a alumni association. Well just like South Ward has been sitting empty for the last few years and for fear of the way things go around here I worry that it will to fall to the ground in the name of progress. Oh I have to stop for a second. The Belleview Biltmore Hotel (the largest all wood structure of it's time). Another local landmark, doing what. Yes. Sitting empty waiting for someone to tear it down and build condo's. Please. I am never going back to sleep. Another night another post.

So back to North Ward. I have an idea and tonight it will not give way to sleep. I feel like this is one of those idea's that I cannot let go of. Drum roll please... So my great idea. The North Ward Art Center. See Clearwater wants to be quaint like Dunedin but can not find a way to bring business to downtown. Why not well Scientology of course. It is the first thing that comes to any one's mind when they think of downtown Clearwater. Now developers with lofty ideas have done great things like torn down the old Calvary Baptist Church and oh yeah, built a condo. Can't say how tall it is but it is big and I remember driving across the bridge coming home from the beach and seeing that one light on. Yeah that was the one guy living in this huge building for the sake of progress. That one guy that was going to bring business back to downtown. Well there was a little real estate bust but come on people the price can only go so high before reality sets in and there are no more people that can afford 1 million dollar view. See again I have gotten off course.

So The North Ward Art Center. In my vision it is a place where people can rent and use the classroom's as art studio space. The auditorium can be a meeting space or a place for a art class. Where the cafeteria can become a a cafe with a few tables out of the front lawn. A front lawn that was a patch of sand when I went there. White sand with shells. My mom was the president of the PTA that found a way to put grass in. She also brought back the May Pole dance and got some of the alumni interested in coming back and sharing their history with the kids. A few of my favorite stories from some of the old timers was that there were kids that used to come to school without shoes and others that came by boat from the beach. Wow that way beats the bus that I rode. But if I had been in a boat on the way to school well I can definitely see days that are as I like to call them "Nice Days" (days just too good for work or school). Days that well as I have always said if I were Queen or Governor or at this point Mayor. I would declare those few days a year like a snow day for those northerners to be "Nice Days". If you live here you know the ones. They fall on a Monday or a Wednesday cause that is the way the weather works. And the weather is so nice that it is just not right to have to go inside and work. A day that you can go out and do anything which is better than being inside. I digress again. I am never going back to bed.

Speaking of the front lawn maybe a Tai Chi class on Saturday morning or Yoga in the evening. Maybe the old library could become an art library and the new building could be a darkroom and photo studio. The front class that has big window's I see as a dance class or music class something that can be enjoyed and seen as people go by. A place that people want to go in a place people have been moving away from. A place that shows the historic beauty of the area. I can remember in my class upstairs that we could open the big windows in the fall and spring and the breeze blew in off the bay, oh it had to because there was no air condition. And in the winter we were warmed by radiators. Hardwood floors that echoed footsteps of students for nearly 90 years. That should again echo footsteps of  people. Students could come on a field trip and learn history and art and natural beauty all in one space. They could learn that sometimes it is better to preserve and protect what is old than it is to tear it down.

I paused my writing of this post so I could searched to see what year it was the last time I was there. I found an article written in August of 2009 in the St. Pete Times. that said the school closed on June 2nd 2009. So that was it. I was there that day. I had to go. It was one of those things that my mind would not let go. So I went I walked the halls I took some pictures. I held the hand rail of the banister on the stairs that 1000's of other kids held on their first or their last and everyday in between on the way to their class. I walked across the metal bridge that connected the two sides of the upstairs classes together. The bridge that kids would stomp across to hear their own foot steps.  If you stand there now I am sure you can still hear those footsteps echo across that bridge. Back to a time when the halls were filled with kids and laughter. Back to a time where Miss Davis would not threaten to call your parents if you were a neighborhood kid misbehaving but she would call your Grandmother. A place where Mrs. Delare was my teacher and Mrs. Bond taught music and Mr. Yanotovich taught band to 2 students. Yes me and one other person were the band class when I was there. The teacher's lounge area had white wicker furniture.  I went to 3 elementary schools because of zoning and moving to the beach but the other 2 were newer schools and built of concrete and had no wooden banister and no metal bridge yet bigger so still viable for school children. Don't get that.

I put a link to that article I looked at to see the year the school closed. Ironic because I had already written about the foot steps echoing the halls before I looked at it and I had already written about the view from my class and the banister in the hall before I saw that there are pictures of those very things. Those very things that need to be protected and saved and used. That banister was meant for you to grasp on your way to learn something new. I think it can be used again. I think these classroom's have been waiting for this idea. For this time. For this 100 year anniversary of the city and the school.

Goodnight
5:44AM Going to go back to bed now.

New Year New Things

So. Out with the old and in with the new. I feel much better today than I did last week this time. I have set some goals and they say if you tell others you are more likely to keep them. Well I also read it is easier to do multiple things once you start the first.

I am starting with a short list of things I want to do this year.

Write more.

Cry less.

Exercise more.

Eat better.

Like I said short list. So I have started off with writing more. I wrote a blog on the 3rd and here it is only the 8th and writing again. Good start. Right direction. Cry less. Talked to someone yesterday about that. And am feeling in a much more positive mood since I woke up yesterday. This does not change over night. Come on I may be depressed at times but I am not manic. I know people that are and wow. Their mood swings will knock you over. So again baby steps. I want to do more things but I always seem to never have time. Don't know if it is the fact we are on the up swing of winter. The days are now getting longer. I know it has only been a few weeks since but more sunlight is better for me than the darkness. Get it sunshine and shadows. I need more light and less dark. So again. I feel like I am moving forward.

On the exercise and eat better front. I walk at work. Usually it is a lap and a half around the building that I work in on my 15 minute breaks. I don't like to walk when it is dark so I have only been walking once and if the weather isn't good. I don't walk but yesterday it was nice out and I walked 2 and a half times around the building and still had time to spare and wasn't out of breath and felt pretty good when I was done. I also bought myself a new exercise game for the wii and am looking forward to trying it out tomorrow when I am off. Don't like to exercise with an audience. Which brings me to my whole new year new me plan. We just had a shift bid at work and I have the same days off but will be going into work an hour later 4 days a week. So I will have one hour 4 days a week to myself before work. The plan is for that to be me time. Turn off the tv and do what I want to do before I have to leave for work. Exercise, write and cook.

 Now as for the eating better. I have been doing baby steps for a long time but my body doesn't seem to care what I cut out. You know quite a while back I cut out soda. I now have about one soda a week. Sometimes not even that. I drink unsweet tea with lemon please. The lemon is for my throat. I talk a lot at work and like the soothing lemon in my tea. So then I cut out fries. If I eat fast food I will just get a sandwich and a drink. Tea. Then I decided I could cut out the bread sometimes and just get chicken nuggets at  Chick-fil-a but I am getting sick of them and the calorie difference isn't that much. So I must do something else. I do like real food and I do like to cook but when you get up at 10 and have to be at work at 12:30 and have no ambition. Well it isn't often that I have gotten up in the last year and cooked something before work. I have put a few things in the crock pot but with Brian's picky taste and no veggies for him it is hard to come up with things to make that are different. But I am going to try to make vegetable and eat them more.

Speaking of vegetables, yesterday I was told my weepiness is in part due to my body not producing enough serotonin. And I looked online very carefully for foods that help your body produce more. Funny first thing was spinach. I find it funny because all my life I have been anemic and it wasn't until 3 years ago I had a blood transfusion and a procedure to help with that and I am much better on that front. The funny part people say eat red meat to help with anemia but I always ate spinach to try to help because anything beats an iron pill. Trust me on that one. But the symptoms of anemia and depression well I know they are not the same but the same things are on the list so when I was already tired and rundown from my anemia and then you add a little depression for good measure. I never had the energy to do anything. So just one more ironic (get it iron-ic) thing for me to improve on this year.

My hour of writing is up and that was one of the goals to make it so I could do something productive in an hour and get on with my day. I really wanted to write today about history and Florida and that Clearwater turns 100 years old this year. Guess I will save that for another day. 

Have a great day and Happy New Year.

Old demons and New Year

I started this blog a while back but after yesterday I feel like I can finish because as everything is a cycle and I was in that same place again. If you go back before the days at Brighthouse before I was unemployed for a year. Before that I worked and worried a lot. Today I enjoy my job and the people around me but every now and then those old worries come back. I feel a pain or a cramp and it will manifest into panic. I used to look up what the pain was online. Almost all things could kill you just Google it. So no more self diagnosis.

So yesterday I was out of one of my prescriptions I knew it was ready at the store and I took the one at home and then drove to the store to pick up the other. I even bought a bottle of water to take it as soon as I got it. Then I opened the bottle and the pill looked different. Was it wrong? I called Brian at home knowing my old bottle was sitting on the counter in the bathroom. Just to verify it was the same. It was. But I still have the feeling something is not right. But it is, but it isn't. See how can I know something is right and still think something is wrong. Is my blood pressure to high. Was that the right pill?

So I spent the afternoon with my nephew. He played video games and after a while I was feeling better. We watched a movie and all was good. While he was here I got a call from the dr about another prescription I was getting refilled and they asked about my blood pressure. I said it has been good. But now that they are asking now I am wondering again. Is it to high. I can't take it. I would worry myself sick. So now I wonder am I ok or not. My sister picked up her son and now the time when I am totally free to do whatever I want. Before I could even think of doing anything. I was worrying that my blood pressure was too high. My face was getting hot. What is wrong?

 Panic...If you do not know the feeling it is kinda like a prickly feeling all over your body after that first rush of adrenaline. I think the initial rush is like fight or flight. Some sort of defense to something that isn't even there. Because no matter what it is that starts the panic it is a process and takes time to come back down to defcon 5. (If you are not aware that is the Defense Condition measured between 1 and 5 and 5 is normal military readiness and 1 is the maximum state of readiness.) Learn something new everyday. I knew the term but did not know the definition until now.

The main thing I have to do is not think. But once the thoughts are going through my head it is really hard to get back to the normal, calm, quiet mind most people consider normal. But I couldn't get there on my own. I have a couple fool proof cures for this feeling. Guess what they are not pills. They are people.

See being alone is more difficult than being with others. With others or at work I can focus on anything else other than the thing that is trying to debilitate me. So last night I did my sure thing. I called a friend. I don't want to start right off with we need to talk about anything because I am crazy. Of course I have been reassured more than once that I am not but how can your brain know you are ok and at the same time worry that you are not.

To me it is like being on a ledge. Not a ledge I am going to jump from but one I am hanging on to. If I let go I don't know what will happen and that is what I worry about. What could happen? Trust me the list could be long but just like when you google what is wrong with you it always has and then you could die.

Yes that is unrealistic but when my head is in this spot it is hard for me to get out. If I hadn't called in the prescription the dr office wouldn't have called no panic. If I had picked up the pills yesterday and taken them together as normal no panic. Could something else had caused the panic? Sure. There is always the potential for something else but my health is the worst. So I have a little plan worked out that I am going to start doing a few things for myself and exercising more. It is going to be a regular thing and I am going to add writing back into being a regular thing. I know as the new year begins things will be good.

I want to thank the friends that talk to me in this state. There are only a few I trust with this fragile Jeanne. The wrong thing said can make it worse. But the best thing is just to talk about nothing. Sometimes 5 minutes is good sometimes an hour. But when I am back to feeling better it is such a weight lifted. Talking about things from years ago. Things that we have done. Things we want to do. Anything really as long as it is not about me and how I am feeling now. I sometimes wish I understood what it is and how it works as it happens. I am getting better at the process and making the feeling go away. A baby aspirin and a good nights sleep helps as well.

So to a Happy and Mentally Healthy New Year.