I just read over the post I wrote a year ago. Funny how some things are the same and some are not. Mostly not. I feel a clean sweep coming on. A must change in our lives. Get us out of the funk or the rut we have been in. For the last four months Brian and I have had maybe 3 days off together. So the thought of getting things done around the house just does not happen as I would like. I can not motivate. Brian does pretty good on the weekend he has even mastered the washing machine. It has taken 20 years of being together but the other night I came home and he had done the laundry. It was amazing. I think confetti and balloons fell from the sky.
But now we are to that hump in the year. That time that is so difficult. I was writing the other night and thought about how we stop to celebrate the life of those no longer with us but it makes us look back on the terrible parts as well. This time of year has always been busy in my family I have a niece and my mom and my Grandma who's birthdays which have been in the last week. We also have the beginning of May the Derby which is a favorite of mine and my mom and my Grandma used to watch together. Then Mother's Day and one of my sisters birthday. All this in 2 weeks and now we add to the mix a huge loss. We lost Grandma almost 2 years ago. Then there is May 2.
Why does the anniversary of a terrible event stick with you. There is no name for the day you loose a whole group of people from your family. I have thought about last year and how the reporter came and the photographer and how they wanted to know how we were a year later. Well a year can be forever or it can go by in a flash. So last year we spent a day in April answering questions and sharing our first year after memories.
I have been thinking about what new things I would share if someone asked but no one asks on the 2nd anniversary of a tragedy. There are times I would like to spill everything out. There are things held in to protect others. But spilling everything will not make me feel better if it hurts someone else.
So instead I have been thinking about items that represent the last two years. The thing that represented the first year would be paper. For all the tissues we used in the first year as the memories both good and bad flooded our mind at the least expecting moments. Today approaching the 2nd year the thing that represents it best would be wood. A box for all the memories. A place to cherish the good memories and to keep the ones you do not need to be so fresh on your mind. For the sake of looking forward I think for the 3rd year I am thinking glass for a mirror. To be able to look without guilt. I think a lot of people still feel guilt. Some share it and some hold it in. But when I look in the mirror I don't want to feel bad for what I didn't know or what I didn't do. Instead reflect on the times we had together.
On the subject of guilt I have some advice for some of the people struggling. You and me both need to let it go. It will not bring anyone back and it will not stop anything from happening. We have families and friends that love us and we love. And they are here. And they can be loved now. When you pick up your child and give him or her a kiss know the world knows you would have done the same when Lilly came into a room or when you see your wife or girlfriend comes home remind them that they are loved as you would have Amber and when you do that you too will feel the love coming back and no guilt. When you look to your own mom on Mother's Day smile and think of Lisa. Because what's done is done. I have a few people specifically in mind and they are male so I must direct this to them. They may never read my blog but I know I have put the words out in the universe I feel they will find there way to the right people.
Our lives must go on. I would not want the world to stop living if I was gone. So over the next few weeks I hope to make a clean sweep of things in the house and in our lives. I am hoping for better days off so Brian and I can do things together again besides watching tv late at night after work. And show him that he too is the most important person to me.
