Touched by God

I am sharing this today because I do not want to carry it with me any longer. It has been written down since the days after it happened. I did not know when to share it. Since it was already written down. Usually for my mind that is enough. I have continually felt that I need to share it but is the time right. Well it is Dec 31 and as the year draws to a close I want to try to look forward not so hard to cause anxiety but not to look back and drop back into depression. So today I share just how God can help a family through such a tragedy. Let it give hope to those that have suffered similar tragedy this year.

Have you ever been touched by God? I have. I know it sounds weird maybe even crazy but as these events happened I knew it. I knew I could not go through this day alone and even surrounded by family it was not enough. But on May 9, 2012 I experienced how all of heaven was with us that day.

We were preparing to attend a private viewing of Brian's sister Lisa, daughter Amber and grand daughter Lilly. First we were going by their house with Brian's parents. They had not been there yet. Brian and I were yesterday but I felt that this might be too much with his parents.

We all got out of the cars and paused at the memorial outside the house. Typical of what you see on TV when some horrific act of violence has taken place. Candles, balloons, stuffed animals and even a children's prayer book and a wooden cross with their names on it. Brian's brother had walked us through the events of the week before yesterday but like I said this is the first time for his parents. Brian's brother and father walked through and Brian and I waited for his mom. I knew she did not need to hear what I heard the day before but I did not know what to say. As we were walking in the house we stopped at the entrance and she saw the bullet hole in the wall. She put her hand up to it and asked if this was where it happened and I said, yes. She looked down to the floor. The carpet had been removed but there was a moving blanket covering the concrete. She said, all of them and I said, Yes. I did not feel anymore details were needed. And I knew knowing more was not going to make it any easier. We went to Brittany's room where an angel as big as the wall was painted by Brian's father when the girls were small to watch over his grand babies. Now the guardian that protected Brittany. As she saved her life while Brittany hid a week before. Another reminder that Brittany's life had been spared. Not once but twice.

As we walked back outside the sky was getting dark. Clouds rolling in. The wind was picking up. One last pause out front a reminder that we would never return.

I have never seen anything but clear skies in Arizona but today was not a normal day. We headed to the funeral home to the viewing I do not think any of us were prepared for.  As we arrived the sky was now dark with clouds and the wind blew across an open field so hard it pushed us out of the car and into the funeral home along with huge drops of rain falling.  The kind of wind when you open the umbrella it turns inside out. As we all got in the door it slammed shut protecting us from the violent storm outside.

We stood together as a family. Waiting while the last minute flowers were arranged. We held hands and prayed for strength as we did the wind blew outside through the alcove it sounded like screams. It was unreal. I have never heard anything like it before.

The doors opened. Am I prepared? The thought that I had never seen Lilly other than in pictures on Brian's phone. We walked in as a group. Brian and I hung back. His parents walked to Lisa as Hugo and Brittany walked to Amber and Lilly. They are together. I kept thinking can I do this?

I don't remember which we went to first. Amber and Lilly together. Beautiful Lilly. Her little hand wrapped around Amber's finger. She is adorable. Why had we never visited? And Amber the last time we saw her she and Brittany were trying to take care of themselves after the car accident that had hospitalized their mom for 9 months.

We greeted friends and family. Lilly's father part of me wanted to blame him. But it is no more his fault than anyone else. Lisa had only a few very close friends. I don't remember their names but there were 2 of them that visited with her and provided moral support. They were very supportive today especially of Brittany. God help her. Amber's husband Brandon, we told them to wait to get married but young people do what young people do.

It is now just drizzling out. I stood outside with Brian. Brandon came over and said he remembered us visiting the last time and what a great time the girls had with us. Again I thought to blame. But it would again not do any good.

We went back inside. Brian's parents were ready to go. One last time to see them. I had my mother's day cards I had written for each. I put them next to their hand. I touched Lilly's little hand and wondered again, Why? I brushed Amber's telling her to take care of her precious baby until we meet again. Brian said he wanted to touch Lisa's hand as well. I told her she will never feel pain again.

As we left the rain had stopped the sky was clearing. We had made it. We can get through this. I don't know what we were talking about in the car but I commented on the sky again. What a beautiful sunset. Pink and purple clouds. It was when it all made sense.

God was so sad to see us suffer through this day. The wind howling, sounding like screams, the rain first the large tear drops of Angels and then the pouring rain from all of Heaven and clouds rolling across the sky. But now clear skies and a beautiful sunset. We are all going to be ok and Lisa, Amber and Lilly along with Jim are now safe with Him forever.

Christmas

I heard a great story tonight in church. I am going to tell it as I remember so forgive me if it is not exact.

When the Shah Jahan's of India's favorite wife died he was grief stricken. And decided to build a great temple in her honor. He placed the coffin in the center of the property and started construction of the Taj Mahal. After a period of time he no longer thought of his favorite wife and his sorrow. He only thought of the construction details. One day when walking from one side of the construction site to the other he tripped over a wooden box and wiped the dust from his leg and said who would leave this box in the middle of the floor and had it tossed out.

Who would go to the trouble to build a building in honor of a person he loved so much and then after a period of time discard the person it was built for. How could you forget the reason for all the hard work and all the time and money spent.

Which made me think of church and Christmas. Rev Vicky always finds a way to shed light on something sometimes forgotten. Tonight after listening I thought it reminded me that the we build churches in honor of God and when you go it is to be closer to God and hope some of that closeness carries over into the parking lot and the rest of the week. And for those that only go a few times a year it must carry over until Easter. But do not forget that the reason for the celebration tomorrow is not just that you didn't have to work and you get to spend time with family, or that is wonderful and eat all kinds of delicious food. But you are celebrating the birth of Jesus. He is as some say too often the "Reason for the Season". It is the joy of his birth that we are celebrating not the new ipad or smart tv you got for Christmas. The birth of a man that would save the world one day from itself. So we all could enjoy all that Heaven has to offer.

So as you unwrap your gifts try to remember the joy of the birth of your child if you have one. I imagine that is what Mary and Joseph were feeling on that first Christmas morning. So pleased with their new son. Amazed by the words they had been told by Angels are coming true right before their eyes.

I hope I have told the story correct enough to get the point across. I was touched by it and reminded it doesn't matter what I get tomorrow. As long as when the time comes I get to go to Heaven.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

To Old Friends

Well Tonight is going to be a sunshine moment. Brian and I are going to dinner with some of my oldest friends. Eckerd Friends. I wish I could have them all together. Over the years there have been store friends and corporate friends. Lunch Bunch friends. Most of my Eckerd friends I have had for more than 20 years.

Like my job at Eckerd's my friends from then are all still attached to me. There are the ones that were from the store and still work for CVS in the stores like Lisa, Lill and of course Tracy. There are friends that moved from the stores to corporate like Andy, Cindy, Jana, Kim, Linda, Mo, Scotty, Shelly and me. Friends that moved on to better things like Erik, Keith and Brian and when I say better I don't me the big W. There are those that moved away like Alane, Steve, Mary, Scott and Margie. There is even a Dr. amongst us Kim B. I can not forget Joy who wins most likely to quit a job and surprise the crap out of all of us. If you don't know how Joy quit ask Brian he was there that morning when Bob Sanders learned who not to mess with.

There are old times with Frank and Cindy the night Steve's baby was delivered and Keith, Kim, and I were all at the hospital. I have attended so many weddings for these people listed. Most have been to our house and we have caught up on what is going on in our lives now but we always talk about the funny times we had at Eckerd. The night I stayed for floor cleaning with Scott and Margie and the floor cleaners truck was parked out front and a drunk driver hit his truck over the park bench up on the curb and through the window of the convenience store next door. It was the loudest bang and quick hide the beer under the desk. The floor cleaner walked outside saw his truck have way to the produce and walked back in Eckerd and finished cleaning the store. Not much else he could do. Scott drove him home but could not strap the floor cleaning machine to the back of the Fiero so it was left until the next day.

Oh yeah. Steve super gluing his eye closed. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to touch your eyes when handling super glue.

The night the bales out back were caught on fire and poor Linda was re baling what was left to clean up the mess and she looked like she had just followed Santa down the dirtiest chimney ever.

Mo moved away with Jason and came back after the demise of Brooks. Jason moved on to Rite Aid  with some of the Eckerd Corporate folks. Then Mo came home and went back to the store but all Tammy had was midnights. So  I got him to work with me again. I am sure I told him it was terrible but I doubt he had any idea what he was getting into. But again new friends have been made and here we are. We had our funny moments at both jobs. Watching video of stupid people doing retarded things in front of the camera.

The night before Fred Forester retired Lisa and I were hanging balloons in the pharmacy and putting up streamers and I fell and broke my arm. Only I would sit on the floor and laugh and cry at the same time. I had been making fun of Lisa for being a wimp and wearing a wrist brace and here I slipped when stepping on a stool and fell. I did suck it up until the next day before I had it x-ray ed and found out it was broke.

Fred Forester was the first to expose me and Keith to talk radio. Bob Lassiter. I could listen all afternoon. Look him up online if you never heard him while he was alive. He has a great Christmas story that will make you cry for sure. Keith and I would sneak back just to listen for a few minutes at a time.

Keith. Do I need to say anymore. He and I made straightening a store into a competition. We would hide things in the others section to see how long it would take until they found it. We would set a time and say we will be done by 10 and then goof off the rest of the night together.  Pay each other astronomical amounts of money to work when the other wanted off. Him and Steve pulled the ladder away while I was up on top of the office where we stored the paper products. Steve used to jump from the top of one bin to the other. They were only about 20 feet off the ground. But we were teenagers. Invincible.

Everyone knew Andy and if you knew Andy you knew Comfy. The perfect name for her. When I was at store 7 with Andy it was like having your mom and dad watching over you. Comfy would bring food and if Andy didn't eat it she would call me and tell me to. The kids that worked there Shelly, Kevin and Rose was not a kid but she was always there. I see Shelly every once in a while. Ironically she is linked to Tracy through her dear friend Susan's son Brandon who ironically I babysat him when he was a kid and now they to have kids of their own.  If we weren't picking one up to make sure they showed up for work we were buying lunch or a soda to get them to work. I always found that to be a great way to get them to work.

Tracy turned 30 and I teased her like she was turning a 100. We have had 20 years of birthdays since then and each one she gets better with. For her 50th I had her flocked with pink flamingos. We had our picture taken with them. I remember when Amanda was born and this summer I was at the hospital after Amanda had her son Quinn. This is a multi-generational friendship. I took pictures for her son and niece's weddings. And her niece has a daughter that shares my birthday.

So tonight to Friends!

Forgive and Forget

It has been a few weeks since I wrote anything. Funny how my mood swings down and I have more to say when they swing up I have less.

I have been thinking of grudges and how we hold on to them. Since Brian and I have been married I have had a rule for us that I can and will go to bed mad but when I wake up tomorrow he is the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with and there is no point in being mad. I will kiss him goodbye and we will be ok. It is sometimes difficult to forget what I was mad over as I am sure sometimes he feels the same but we promised till death do us part and those of you that know me well know that I have always said and I am willing to kill him. You have to be committed. (It is a Joke.)

We had a fight years ago about what I have no idea and as far as I know he does not remember either but that night I was furious. I can remember how mad but for the life of me I have no idea what we were arguing about. I had told him that night I wish you would hit me because I want to punch you and then I was serious. We now kid each other that he wishes he would have taken me up on the offer. I tell him you should of because it probably won't happen again. Which brings me to forgiving and forgetting.

Since I remember everything I find it funny that I don't remember what I was mad at that night and it doesn't matter because that was one day years ago. And we have had lots of days since that we are happy together.

So why do we hold the grudge. Why do we put so much effort into being mad. When I was younger I would commit a lot of time to being mad and even hating people. I would find a way to make it miserable for them and myself. I am not sure when it changed for me. I was certainly an adult, might have even been 30 or more before I learned that it did not pay. Up until that point I would relish the time that I made the person's life miserable. But Why?

I will not use the example in my head because I have not forgotten but I have forgiven .

But lets say a family member does you wrong as a child or maybe a adult. They may have left you and went off to live on their own. You can only be mad for so long and that person is still family. I know there are limits to forgiveness and I do not expect people to forget or forgive abuse. But I know children that live in homes with no parents and people are paid to supervise them. And as far as I know no one reading this grew up in a foster home or a boarding house because your parents did not want to be bothered with you. Maybe your parents did not raise you but a loving relative did. And even so you are now grown and have a life of your own and a family maybe it was for the best. That is what I think. Everything happens for a reason and if I did not live through my childhood I could not help others deal with theirs.

I know a lady that has 2 kids one lives with her and the other her mother. Why? I don't understand. What I do know is both children are loved and you can not blame your parents forever. Well you can but it is not good for you and it doesn't matter to them. The person who left you is gone and you might as well move on with those that stuck around and raised you.

Words are so harsh and sharp when said with anger. And one never knows what tomorrow brings so why hold the grudge. Let it go. My dad would say when we were kids that if given the opportunity my brother and sisters and I would argue over the time of day. He was right. But today, we all like each other, help each other and would do anything for the others kids.

Since Christmas is a season for children I think we revert back and remember things from our younger years that may have been a disappointment but at this point in life we need to forgive them. Love the family you have around you. Share your life and your children. Show your children that there is love around and teach them to forgive. Not to hold the grudge and hate. Let your children know that if they are ever that mad at you that they can trust the family around you. That they love you and would never hurt your children. Reach out to the family members you have not spoken to and forgive them. I know it is hard and it does not go away instantly but it does fade with time. You may be surprised. Sometimes there is more joy to be had with the family you thought you did not want than there is being alone.

When your head is in that place of hate and fury you are alone even when there are people all around. This I know from personal experience. As for any of you who feel unloved this season. If you are reading this I am thinking of you. I care and would do anything for you or your family.  And I understand depression and that you can not help the place you are. You may not be able to find your way out but there are people to help. Talk to someone, anyone. I am always here and have advice for you. You may not be ready for the advice but maybe you are ready to talk. I will listen and I do not pass judgement. I think that is why I have friends that I would never be mad at. I forgive them for anything they do because there are so many more days of joy than there are of anger. And I would not trade those joyful days for anything.

Love you my friends and family.