Hello God, It is me...

 The other day I read an article about a phone booth at the Burning Man event in Nevada that had a sign out that said talk to God. The person wrote that people were waiting in line. Reading that it instantly brought tears to my eyes. What would I say? The first thing that came to mind is how is mom? I continued reading the article and the person wrote that he had serious questions for God. Like is the Bible truly Your words? I have thought about that before. Back in the day when it was being written not many people could read or write. Scholars and Monks. Maybe one of them sat down one night with a pen and vellum (they didn't have paper) and wrote a story about the time of Jesus and the creation of the world. So, I find that a valid question. My other thought is do you talk or do you listen. Do I want to tell God what is bothering me today? In theory he already knows so then maybe I should just listen to what he/she has to tell me. Maybe Jeanne, you don't need to worry so much about things. Somethings are going to happen and worrying or not is not going to change the outcome. Seems like really good advice.

The more I read I found that people are lined up to talk to God in a phone booth but in this day there are less and less going to church. So do people feel that a phone booth is just as likely a place to talk to God as any. One thing I have said about myself for quite sometime is that I am not religious but I am faithful. I believe there is a God. I don't even know if believe is the right word. I know there is a God. There has to be. No matter your belief in how the world started weather Adam & Eve or a big bang. All the creatures of the world and the stars and planets. There had to be a power that created it all be it in 7 days or in an instant. Imagine all the things in my body that it takes to type these words. My brain thinks them, sends a message to my fingers which know where the keys are in the dark to type them and my eyes are able to read them on the screen and back to my brain that understands that my words can be understood. 

As I read the first article, I kept thinking who is God. A shrink, a priest, someone with some ability to council. Someone who knows who has had one too many and who is very serious in their purpose or pursuit of God. 

The second article I read was different. I learned that not only can you wait in line to talk to God from the phone booth that when you pick up the receiver that a light shines straight up to the heavens. There is also a place not far away that there is another phone and if you find that phone. You can be God. Now, I feel that we are unstable ground and the more I read the more I knew that this could be a person calling asking God for prayers for a mother or child that is sick but it also could be a person crying for help. This such situation happened to the person who was God. The person said something about thinking about doing something they had tried before but not been successful at. My first thought was Lord Help him he is talking suicide. I am not sure if the person on the phone was thinking that instantly. They asked will doing this thing make you happy and the person in the phone booth said yes. The person playing God said, you should do what makes you happy. I don't think that is totally true number one. Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem and you don't know that the thing that will make one person happy will not hurt another. How could you imagine death could make you happy. See, now Jeanne is thinking I don't like this. I don't like it at all. The more I read of the second article the more I learned that not only is there the God person on the phone there are others sitting around listening to a speaker able to hear the person on the phone in the  confessional of a phone booth as well as the God person's responses. Since all stories don't have happy endings. That year at Burning Man someone did commit suicide. I don't know if it was the person in the phone booth or not. I learned that the person playing God felt strongly enough they weren't sure if they would return or ever play God again. Back in their real life they took a class at work and the person giving the class was talking about such a situation and said, if someone is talking like that you have to ask directly "Are you thinking about suicide." Even reading the words seemed harsh to me but if the person is truly thinking that way they need help from someone who isn't playing God. Someone who has real experience with dealing with whatever the underlying issues are that has gotten this person to this place.

During this pandemic I know that some people find solace in being home. Feeling safe. Others feel isolated. I am going to say I have felt both. I am not and never have thought of suicide. Just to be clear for those that are worrying about me taking this line of thought this far in the middle of the night. I want to live and I want to be happy and have no interest in hurting myself or others. I said once in a post that my pendulum of happiness is just weighted to the sad side sometimes. The last few days I have felt that weight. I don't know if it is literally the extra pounds of being home all the time. I have thought about it and other than going to work I thought I was home a lot before. But being at home all the time at first I thought this gives me time to be productive at home. That time I would be driving to and from work. I could clean something, sort something, throw out something. That feeling didn't last long. Then my drive home as Brian called it I would lay down and read my book and decompress from work for 30 minutes and then do whatever it is I do. Cook dinner, wash dishes, take out the trash, do laundry. You know all those things. 

I really never liked the idea of working at home. I felt like there would be no separation. I had to walk past my work computer to get to this one to write this post. I have to push the chair out of the way to open our front door if someone comes over. On the other hand taking a shower and putting on a pair of shorts and a shirt and walking across the house is a nice commute. Not wearing shoes is an excellent benefit which out weighs jeans day which our company doesn't do anyway. So there are plusses and minuses. 

Yesterday however I really could have used being around other people. I was in a worrying state. Monkey brain they like to call it. When your brain just jumps from one thing to another. I used a breathing exercise and I reached out to a friend at work through instant message instead of walking over to her desk on my break and crying and telling her I hate that I worry. But luckily she was able to make me laugh through an instant message. And for a few moments we talked about unrelated things and my mind got back to where I needed it to be and I was able to continue on with my day. And made it. 

I think part of my problem is Social Media the constant bombing of the left and right telling me why they believe what they believe and why Mo or Jo should be President. The news of all these hurricanes battering the Gulf coast. This pandemic we have been living through. So here I am at 6am. My thought was I wanted to get to the part where I asked God if the library in heaven was as big as the sky and can I read any book and when I am done come back and get another. Can I spend my day floating on a cloud next to an ocean or a swimming pool. I know everyone talks about the food but I just need to know there is peace.

 I really just don't want to worry. Thanks for listening God. 

Touched by God

I am sharing this today because I do not want to carry it with me any longer. It has been written down since the days after it happened. I did not know when to share it. Since it was already written down. Usually for my mind that is enough. I have continually felt that I need to share it but is the time right. Well it is Dec 31 and as the year draws to a close I want to try to look forward not so hard to cause anxiety but not to look back and drop back into depression. So today I share just how God can help a family through such a tragedy. Let it give hope to those that have suffered similar tragedy this year.

Have you ever been touched by God? I have. I know it sounds weird maybe even crazy but as these events happened I knew it. I knew I could not go through this day alone and even surrounded by family it was not enough. But on May 9, 2012 I experienced how all of heaven was with us that day.

We were preparing to attend a private viewing of Brian's sister Lisa, daughter Amber and grand daughter Lilly. First we were going by their house with Brian's parents. They had not been there yet. Brian and I were yesterday but I felt that this might be too much with his parents.

We all got out of the cars and paused at the memorial outside the house. Typical of what you see on TV when some horrific act of violence has taken place. Candles, balloons, stuffed animals and even a children's prayer book and a wooden cross with their names on it. Brian's brother had walked us through the events of the week before yesterday but like I said this is the first time for his parents. Brian's brother and father walked through and Brian and I waited for his mom. I knew she did not need to hear what I heard the day before but I did not know what to say. As we were walking in the house we stopped at the entrance and she saw the bullet hole in the wall. She put her hand up to it and asked if this was where it happened and I said, yes. She looked down to the floor. The carpet had been removed but there was a moving blanket covering the concrete. She said, all of them and I said, Yes. I did not feel anymore details were needed. And I knew knowing more was not going to make it any easier. We went to Brittany's room where an angel as big as the wall was painted by Brian's father when the girls were small to watch over his grand babies. Now the guardian that protected Brittany. As she saved her life while Brittany hid a week before. Another reminder that Brittany's life had been spared. Not once but twice.

As we walked back outside the sky was getting dark. Clouds rolling in. The wind was picking up. One last pause out front a reminder that we would never return.

I have never seen anything but clear skies in Arizona but today was not a normal day. We headed to the funeral home to the viewing I do not think any of us were prepared for.  As we arrived the sky was now dark with clouds and the wind blew across an open field so hard it pushed us out of the car and into the funeral home along with huge drops of rain falling.  The kind of wind when you open the umbrella it turns inside out. As we all got in the door it slammed shut protecting us from the violent storm outside.

We stood together as a family. Waiting while the last minute flowers were arranged. We held hands and prayed for strength as we did the wind blew outside through the alcove it sounded like screams. It was unreal. I have never heard anything like it before.

The doors opened. Am I prepared? The thought that I had never seen Lilly other than in pictures on Brian's phone. We walked in as a group. Brian and I hung back. His parents walked to Lisa as Hugo and Brittany walked to Amber and Lilly. They are together. I kept thinking can I do this?

I don't remember which we went to first. Amber and Lilly together. Beautiful Lilly. Her little hand wrapped around Amber's finger. She is adorable. Why had we never visited? And Amber the last time we saw her she and Brittany were trying to take care of themselves after the car accident that had hospitalized their mom for 9 months.

We greeted friends and family. Lilly's father part of me wanted to blame him. But it is no more his fault than anyone else. Lisa had only a few very close friends. I don't remember their names but there were 2 of them that visited with her and provided moral support. They were very supportive today especially of Brittany. God help her. Amber's husband Brandon, we told them to wait to get married but young people do what young people do.

It is now just drizzling out. I stood outside with Brian. Brandon came over and said he remembered us visiting the last time and what a great time the girls had with us. Again I thought to blame. But it would again not do any good.

We went back inside. Brian's parents were ready to go. One last time to see them. I had my mother's day cards I had written for each. I put them next to their hand. I touched Lilly's little hand and wondered again, Why? I brushed Amber's telling her to take care of her precious baby until we meet again. Brian said he wanted to touch Lisa's hand as well. I told her she will never feel pain again.

As we left the rain had stopped the sky was clearing. We had made it. We can get through this. I don't know what we were talking about in the car but I commented on the sky again. What a beautiful sunset. Pink and purple clouds. It was when it all made sense.

God was so sad to see us suffer through this day. The wind howling, sounding like screams, the rain first the large tear drops of Angels and then the pouring rain from all of Heaven and clouds rolling across the sky. But now clear skies and a beautiful sunset. We are all going to be ok and Lisa, Amber and Lilly along with Jim are now safe with Him forever.

Christmas

I heard a great story tonight in church. I am going to tell it as I remember so forgive me if it is not exact.

When the Shah Jahan's of India's favorite wife died he was grief stricken. And decided to build a great temple in her honor. He placed the coffin in the center of the property and started construction of the Taj Mahal. After a period of time he no longer thought of his favorite wife and his sorrow. He only thought of the construction details. One day when walking from one side of the construction site to the other he tripped over a wooden box and wiped the dust from his leg and said who would leave this box in the middle of the floor and had it tossed out.

Who would go to the trouble to build a building in honor of a person he loved so much and then after a period of time discard the person it was built for. How could you forget the reason for all the hard work and all the time and money spent.

Which made me think of church and Christmas. Rev Vicky always finds a way to shed light on something sometimes forgotten. Tonight after listening I thought it reminded me that the we build churches in honor of God and when you go it is to be closer to God and hope some of that closeness carries over into the parking lot and the rest of the week. And for those that only go a few times a year it must carry over until Easter. But do not forget that the reason for the celebration tomorrow is not just that you didn't have to work and you get to spend time with family, or that is wonderful and eat all kinds of delicious food. But you are celebrating the birth of Jesus. He is as some say too often the "Reason for the Season". It is the joy of his birth that we are celebrating not the new ipad or smart tv you got for Christmas. The birth of a man that would save the world one day from itself. So we all could enjoy all that Heaven has to offer.

So as you unwrap your gifts try to remember the joy of the birth of your child if you have one. I imagine that is what Mary and Joseph were feeling on that first Christmas morning. So pleased with their new son. Amazed by the words they had been told by Angels are coming true right before their eyes.

I hope I have told the story correct enough to get the point across. I was touched by it and reminded it doesn't matter what I get tomorrow. As long as when the time comes I get to go to Heaven.

Happy Birthday Jesus.