Happy Memories

Today’s installment is being written because I have been reminded that for all the sad memories I have there are also happy memories. So back to my childhood.

Remembering so much it is sometimes hard to pick a favorite memory but one I always bring up I was about 12 with my brother and sisters we would swim in the bay across the street from our house everyday in the summer.  We did it so much that our parents did not always come over with us. Well I remembered hearing a story of my uncle swimming from the north end of the beach to Caladesi Island as a teen. I thought we can do that. So the 5 of us on this day that we were unsupervised we took off from the dock across from our house and swam to Island Estates.  My youngest sister was only 5 at the time so we decided so that we could all make the trip we towed her on a raft.  We swam the further we got I remember pausing for a moment and thinking this is a lot of water and we are just 5 little heads and a raft but like everything else the 5 of us did together we made it to Island Estates. We took a break there is a small area of sand off the back of the building directly across from where we started.  Now the hard part we had to swim back. No way we are stopping  now.  We did not consider the current,  it did not seem to affect us on the way over but on the way back. We decided not to fight the current and let it carry us. We were heading west but drifting south. The closer we got back to the beach we had to pick which house we knew and whose dock had a ladder we could climb up. We got to the Jackson’s house about 2 blocks south of ours where I babysat and we climbed up their dock and walked home. We did it.

Always being adventurous another favorite memory of the 5 of us together we called it going exploring. We would walk to the north end of Clearwater Beach past the end of the houses and cut through the sand dunes and look for tidal pools where the tide has gone out and left a small pool of water and some fish and small creatures for us to check out. Starfish, sea urchins, sand dollars, back in the day we even once found a sea horse. All of which we would look at and touch but leave to live another day. Hermit crabs, conchs and who knows what else. As we headed home we might walk along the sand bar and look for shells that were no longer inhabited to take home.

Considering all my memories my next favorite, take me back to the days working at Eckerd as a teen. The manager was a character in a book all his own. Everyone knew him and his personality. The way I was hired was my mother was in the store one day and he said to her, Isn’t one of your kids old enough to work. Next thing I knew I had a job. I went in to fill out an application and they were expecting me to work that night. So I went home changed clothes and started working. November 17, 1983. I did not leave Eckerd until the company sold off their Florida stores and moved the corporate office to Rhode Island January 7, 2005.  I often joke, No one ever told me you are supposed to quit your first job. There are so many fond memories of Eckerd.  After a few years I was pretty bossy about my knowledge of how my store was run. As new people came it was no matter what their title I knew more than them. All you had to do was ask me and I would tell you that. I would teach them the ropes of the beach store but not without a little humiliation maybe even hazing. But I cannot count how many times I straightened the aisle of shoes and filled them so when someone new came along the first thing I would teach was how to straighten the shoes. If you never worked in the store you don’t know what a mess they would be at the end of the night but it was not a job many were fond of. I made so many friends in that day most of which I still have. I wish I could name them all but I don’t want to leave any out. So if you worked with me in those days. I still love every memory. I laugh at the night I was filling the paper aisle and the paper towels were stored up above the office. It took a 12 foot ladder to get to them and I would throw down what I was filling. One of the funny guys I worked with decided while I was up there he was going to take the ladder away. I could only laugh. I was 12 feet up in the air and no way down. I just kidded him saying it leaves you the whole store to straighten if you leave me up here. He moved the ladder back after I was done throwing everything down I needed. Some of which may even hit him in the head.

Years pass by but still I smile thinking of those days. I am sure things happening today will one day be memories I will look back at and smile. The same way I smile at our wedding day. For those of you not married. I always recommend to brides take your time and soak it in. You have been planning this day so long and it will all be over in a few hours. Don’t rush it.  I would say the same for those with small children. They will not be small for long and they will only walk for the first time once and they will only say mama for the first time once. Cherish those memories. Since there are no children of my own, my favorite memories of small children are of my nieces and nephews. The first time my niece Alex said my name, I had coaxed her for years and all of a sudden when she was about 3 in my mother’s kitchen out of the blue she said, Aunt Jeanne blah, blah, blah. I say blah, blah, blah because after Aunt Jeanne nothing else mattered. I was brought to tears. Alex said my name. I know for Aunt Bethy and Aunt Billie that was probably not as big a deal and they all could say Uncle Al or Unk Al as Paul would say but that day Alex said Aunt Jeanne. And that thought will always bring a smile to my face. With the younger nieces and nephew it was the day they were born. I do remember the night before Alex was born as well but Emily and Ashley, their mother called very early in the morning and I stopped on my way to work to take their first pictures. With Paul I got the call at 10:30 at night and said Billie was having a C-section.  I was right out the door. I heard his first cry and while they were stitching Billie up the nurse brought Paul out and Jeff and I held him before he was weighed. That is the closest I will ever get to the joy of childbirth.

All these memories make me smile. And not a single tear was shed in the writing of this Blog. Instead I smiled the whole time. Thinking about the great memories of days gone by and people I still have in my life and always will. If only in my memories as time goes by.

Oh how many memories I have all of which have a place in my heart and my head. At times they rise and fall and sometimes slip away other times bubble back to the surface. So if your favorite memory of me was not mentioned today do not think that you are not in my heart and my head.  You are safely locked away in my vault of memories to be cherished like an antique silk covered book. Wrapped in tissue and safe in a box to be brought out and shared and put away for safe keeping forever.

Memories

Since so much of what I share is from memory. I thought  I would explain how mine works.

I remember a lot. At times everything. I have found this a curse more than a blessing. I have said it before when you remember everything you can never forget. Which sometimes means you don't forgive. I have gotten better at the second part as I have gotten older. I have learned it doesn't pay to be mad at someone forever. Funny thing is usually the person I am mad at forever doesn't even remember what made me mad in the first place.

My earliest memory is me standing on my parents bed being dressed. I was between 1 and 2 years old.      

I was getting dressed for church. Some would argue there must be a picture and you built a memory around it but there is no picture from that day. I do not remember every detail just 2 main parts. Getting dressed on the end of the bed in a pink and yellow dress with a wide white collar. Then I remember being at Clearwater High School walking holding my dad's hand in front of the Auditorium and in front of the X wing past the cafeteria and the classrooms. I did not know until I was in 8th grade where that memory was from for sure. My parents had told me that we did go to church in the high school auditorium until the church was completed in 1970 which I would have been 3.  I went to the church website to find out the dates and found the above picture. So somewhere in here is probably the back of my parents heads.

In 8th grade I attended with my mom the open house for 8th graders going into high school. As we walked in the auditorium. I remembered the place. The steps. Going up and down the steps with my dad. If we were not quiet in church one of our parents would take us outside. I remember that with my brother and sisters. But I only remember me and my dad this particular day. Walking along the X wing as they called it when I was in high school. There is a place that there are about 3 steps down and a ramp. I was walking on the ramp and my dad the steps. That is it. My first memory. 40+ years later still have it with me.

As I got older I found the way I remember things is by thinking about them. I was 23 the first time I remember my mind at work. It was Dec. 24, 1991 the day of my Grandma Helen's funeral. I worked for Eckerd. I left the store went to the Mass. What happened at the end I will not share. But the events are still clear in my mind. I was standing in the front pew with my dad on my right and my sister Billie to his right. Next thing I know I was about 12 rows back with my cousins. It was all like a movie. That afternoon I went back to work. Tried to make sense of what happened. No dice. Called my sisters and said, Do you keep seeing it happen over and over? They all said yes. So I figured out that when you see something crazy and your brain does not know what to do with it some people lock it in a file cabinet and others like me we review the footage over and over and over. Trying to make sense of what happened. But when I have memories I can not make sense of they are permanently en grained forever. Like a movie you've seen a million times and you know every word. Just these I always know the cast.

The worst is it is not just the visual memories but I also have audio. If I have heard something and for whatever reason I decide that this is thought provoking the words will stay with me. Arguments, News stories and even the crazy stuff the people that sat behind us Friday at Las Mariachis said. I will not share with you their discussion but I will share how witty my husband is. When these 3 people left the restaurant Brian was outside on his phone and the female stopped and picked up a partially smoked cigarette out of the ashtray and looked at Brian and said, It is not as disgusting as it looks, this is mine. Brian replied, That is not nearly as disgusting as your table conversation. See why I married him.

So now another 20 years later and here I am with memories of a another place and time. Pictures that don't go away. Some of that week has faded but it has only been a few months and some moments are forever etched in my brain. The footage has been edited and is now fairly brief but forever there. It starts as a still photograph. Then the editor zooms in. I am right there. In the middle of it. I am so sorry for anyone else that has these kind memories. The ones that make you cry as soon as it starts and you can not make it go away.

I am left here to wonder why? Why me? Is there a point to me remembering. So, at this point in life I have decided to share my memories and stories with others. Others that will only remember some small amount of this but maybe pass on that little bit. As I have said before. You don't want to know all the gritty details of things I have to remember. See, I said it, I have to remember. I didn't even realize that I wrote it. But there it is in black and white. My fingers know the words before my head yet they speak the truth.

So this Saturday night I sit alone in the quiet with my memories. I give you this glimmer of hope. Even my memories fade. Not in a week or month or even 20 years but they do fade.

The End is the Beginning

I feel as though this chapter of my life started last May.

I was fired from my job. I hated it and loved at the same time. I don't do anything half way. It is all or nothing. And no matter what anyone there believes I gave all I had to the last day I worked there.

After which I found that I was so sick and weak that I had to have a blood transfusion.

So in a way that week part of me died. And part of me was renewed.

I lost old friends in the mix. But were they truely friends if they no longer call or have nothing to do with me because we do not work together anymore. I still have contact with 3 people from that job. We get together as we did before and always will.

Just like Eckerds after 20 years. There are still some that almost 8 years later I still speak to and see. Not as much as I like, but I do.

Now with my new chapter, new job I again have new friends. Some will be come old friends and some will fade with time. Sometimes I am suprized by the ones that stay and the ones that go.

Today made me think of the past year and how it has been a year of endings and a year of beginnings.
Brian and I had a terrible loss of a family. But we have had new additions. We have had the joy of sharing our house with our nieces this summer from Alaska and Arizona. The joy of getting to know them and them us. The memories made will never be forgotten. 4th of July on the back steps of City Hall watching fireworks over the bay. Uncle Brian taking the girls to Adventure Island. The girls got to know each other better as well. Sharing time together watching movies and I will never forget the afternoon we came home from work and all of them were sleeping on the couch snug as 3 bugs in a rug.

So today I attended church as Brian and I have the last few weeks. Last week we shared our story of loss with the church for their Domestic Violence Charity offering. But today I went alone and had a gift of renewal again. They spoke this morning of giving up your worldly belongings to get everything back.

Just like in the book Eat, Pray and Love. As the story goes the husband and wife are in the process of divorcing and the husband is a mooch and takes and takes. Finally she says fine take it all. I want nothing but to be rid of you ( I paraphrase). But in the end she travels she is renewed in life and prayer and again finds Love.

So, Again we have met new people at church that have welcomed us and some of these same people I feel will become old friends. For Brian attending First Church is like going home to a familar place. Where to me it is like a new job not sure what to do or say and following the lead of others but yet made to feel comfortable as they show the way.

I was thinking we have given up so many things in the last year me without a job yet we did not suffer. We still had a roof over our head and food to eat. We lost family and my cat Mary. Dear Mary who had so much of me in her. Her and I were a pair for 21 years. She would only let most people pet her a few times and then she would scratch or bite them. Those who know me know that I can sometimes be the same way. Don't want anything too close. But always loving those who take the time to know me and let me know them so I am not afraid of their love and I let them in.

So as I go to work this week and live my life I am going to give all I have and in return expect nothing. So everything I get in return will be a blessing.