Peace and Grace

 Fifty-nine trips around the sun later. It is funny how at sixteen I knew it all, yet all these years later I have more questions than answers. All those years ago, my parents and I lived in a house with extra space. Over the years they filled that space and then some with my siblings but for that first year, it was just me. 

I remember so much of my childhood even parts people say I shouldn't be able to remember but yet I hold those memories like little clips of video reels stuck in my head. Remember when, I was about two and my mom was getting me dressed on the end of my parents bed. Remember when, we went to church at Clearwater High because Light of Christ was still being built. Remember dad holding my hand while I walked down the hallway in front of the cafeteria at Clearwater High after church.  No one is left but me, and my parents could never believe that those were memories and not stories that I made up that I remembered.

There is a memory of a story I don't remember but my dad told me when I was in about 7th grade. I was writing a paper about getting over something hard. I had no idea what I was going to write. My dad said, he remembered a time when he and I were walking and I tripped and dad stood there waiting for me to get up. There were these two ladies and they said to him aren't you going to pick her up? My dad said, I won't always be there for her. She needs to be able to get up on her own. That story has stuck with me. Now a days the world makes video reels about oldest children and how they need to learn to ask for help. At a very small age were we all told we don't need anyone to help us. Is that why we are stubborn and can't ask for help now?

Last night I met my sister Beth and her girls Emily and Ashley for ice cream. When we were leaving I mentioned that my brother's birthday is coming up next and we should take him out to lunch in the next few weeks. My niece asked if I wanted to have lunch with them by myself to celebrate my birthday with just the girls and Paul or if I wanted to share that with Al. My sister laughed and said she has been sharing her birthday with Al her whole life. We have always kidded each other about sharing birthdays. My sister Tori had her daughter Alex on our sister Beth's birthday. Since genealogy has always been a hobby of mine I have always believed that there are days that seem to matter in a family. Dad died on his parents wedding anniversary. Tori was born on my mom's parents anniversary. Some of the numbers of birthdates go in order: 15,16,17,18 then there are the outliers 5.22,24. Then there are the later numbers that lay to the side of the originals: 23.25 and 26 which takes the outliers and makes another group. Oh I almost forgot my day is shared by my aunt and uncle that got married on my birthday. They didn't know it was my birthday until their wedding day. See they gave me a pair of Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls. I thanked them for the birthday gift and they were really a gift for being the flower girl in their wedding. We were all confused that day.

In my 59 trips around the sun, I have spent more with Brian than I ever did with my parents or siblings. Yet somehow those first sixteen years, made their mark, left the scars and opened wounds that like a diabectics foot that will never heal. LOL. Not many would laugh at that analogy but not many would think of it either. Then again there are the lessons I learned, to be independent to stand up for myself and others. My ability to know what others feel and the empathy I have for them somehow was it always there or was it learned as well? 

Still more questions. In my adult years most of which I have spent with Brian we have had our moments as well. There are the ones that left scars and those that opened my heart like no surgeon ever could. Unfortunately, to open my heart they didn't crack my ribs. Just straight in with surgical prescision some have come into my  life and once they entered my heart they didn't close the door when they left. My pets would be one example. We are have had four dogs and six cats share our home and none of them sewed up the spot they entered my heart. Even Riley with his underbite ripping through my semi-old lady skin, I couldn't give him up. Maybe I am just a glutten for punishment.

Back to that know it all sixteen year old, she was a piece of work. So smart, yet naive. There are times I have questioned how it could be that I know somethings and other things that seem to be common knowledge to some is an obscure concept for me. It doesn't bother me when people don't get me. I understand that. My brain is clearly wired differently than most. I don't find it to be all bad. There are parts of me that people have told me along the way that I should fix. I shouldn't carry other people's back pack. It refers to me lugging along others problems as though they were mine and sometimes I set down my own and don't pay them any attention because of someone elses that I want to help. I understand the concept. It goes back to dad and that I need to help myself but there are times I dream of my load being lightened by someone willing to pick up my slack, but then again some of my slack I am the only one that can fix it or resolve it or carry it. 

As the new day is litterally about to dawn on my sixtith trip around the sun. I hope that my heart being opened for others will let me learn to give myself grace. That same grace I would offer any other living soul. I should offer to myself. That is the lesson I need to learn this year. Peace and Grace.

Life is Short

 Life is short they say. I am now at the age where I am realizing just how short. I have daily reminders and that makes me feel sad, and sometimes the sadness lingers from one sad thing to the next. Another reminder the loss of another friend. 

I know everyone my age loses people and some they have known for years and are close to and sometimes they seem to come just a bit too close together. My most recent loss was that of a boss. A lady that some might have said was hard to work for but I would say she was tough but fair. When you work for someone like that the expectations aren't high just for the sake of it. Her expectations were high for her own work and she only expected you to set the bar high for yourself. If not she would show you where you fell short. Not in a way that made me feel bad, but in a way that I believed I could be better. She was a get to the office early and stay til everyone was gone. Her desk always had a pile of work on it. If not hers someone else's work she was checking. 

This person I considered a friend she came to our wedding. But in the years that have passed since we left Eckerd we have only exchanged Christmas cards and run into each other at a restaurant or art show. Always saying we will get together soon. I do regret us not getting together more but like most people who were good influences on me I thought of her often and what she would do. 

I don't ever recall her yelling or raising her voice. It was not necessary. Just an explanation of how your work could be better or more accurate. 

The loss of a mentor or sensei (a person that comes before another) is one I seem to struggle more with. A person I have learned so much from, she probably wouldn't want me to go on about her.  I know I am not alone in my respect for her and her guidance. Even though it has been years since I shared things with her early in the morning before work. Crying over something I had no control over, she would not placate me or promise things would be better but that I would get through the struggle and at times share her own similar struggle with me. 

I learned from her how to be the best me that I could be. Today I share my struggles with younger people so they know it will not be easy but they to can get through it (whatever it may be). Sometimes knowing someone got to the other side of a struggle makes me believe I can get there myself.

My yearly trips with my nieces and nephews is a direct reflection of how she taught by doing. Spending time with those younger than her that meant so much to her. 

So here is to the one that came before me. One of the ones who would have done anything for me. 

She will be missed.

Always in my heart!

Kids Life

Back at Thanksgiving I wrote about the holiday and the kids that live across the street. These kids live in a group home. We have lived across the street from this group home for 17 years so those kids back then probably have kids of their own by now. The thing I wrote about at Thanksgiving was my frustration with the kids and the people that worked there. How within the month of November I guessed the police had been out 30 times to the house. I under estimated by a lot. It was more than 60 times. My frustration made me take action and after visiting the police station and actually being told if there was anything wrong they would be shut down. Give me a break if the cops have been at the same address 60 times in one month the least there is, is something wrong.

Well today I am sitting in my front window and the kids are playing tether ball and yesterday I actually saw one of the adults that worked there out playing ball with the kids in the street. Now I know some of you think I am crazy but I wanted to walk out and say Thanks... So this morning as I started to sit down at the computer I thought I have some outdoor toys in the garage. I went out and found them and took them over. The boys that were out playing I asked if they could check with someone that worked there to see if I could give the toys to them. They came back out with the same adult that was out playing with them yesterday. I explained that I live across the street and I appreciate the work they are doing and the improvements that have been made. I handed over the stuff to the boys and they said thank you and have a nice day.

I did ask the adult if there was anything they needed and if so to let me know and I said we live just across the street. I explained my experiences and he had not worked there back in November but he knows what I am referring to.

To say that I was pleased would be an understatement.

The thing I wanted to write about is life experiences and that some are different than others and just because people don't have the same experiences that you did doesn't make them less of a person. It just makes them different. Those boys don't have parents that love them in the traditional sense. I don't know if they do at all, but I know that people care and those kids know who they are.

People with children always say they want better for their kids. Better by the standards of which they were brought up. If you grew up working hard maybe you want your kids to play more. Maybe my childhood I worried to much about others and I would hope that if I had a kid they wouldn't have to worry but that wouldn't mean I wouldn't want them to work hard and play hard. Everything in proportion. I know that kids today don't have responsibilities and I understand the world is different than when I was a kid. I am pretty sure what I would want my kid to be able to do is different than others. Kids need to know right from wrong and there are consequences. They need to learn who they can trust and how to manage money. These are the things that will make your kids good adults.

When my nieces and nephew were young I would hold them and talk to them like they were adults. Telling them things about making good choices and things I wanted to do with them when they got older. My one sister came home and asked what I was doing. I said, telling them all the things they won't want me to when they are older. God, I love those kids.  I teased my nephew he had to love me more than his mom so he would take care of me when I get old. I don't think my mother or grandmother thought that way but after taking care of both at the end of their lives I know how important it is to have someone that cares taking care of you.

I know I have covered a bunch of subjects but while you are home with your kids maybe show them how to pay the bills. They don't have to know that you worry about where the money is coming from just show them that it is due and you have to pay it. The rest they will learn in time.

My younger self

I was just looking for an idea for a writing prompt and it said to write a letter to your 14 year old self.

What would I say to that girl? Often if asked if I could do it again would I? I have always thought no. When I think of all the years that go by for some reason the hard things always come to mind first. I don't first think of my successes. So why would I want to relive my failures. Would I succeed where I failed the first time. Or would I fail where I first succeeded. Would I know the difference.

I wouldn't want to take a chance that I somehow wouldn't have met Brian. I don't know which things I would risk not doing that made me the person I am and which things I would do different that would change my entire life.

But if I was to give a 14 year old today advice about life.
Be true to yourself. 
Be honest with everyone. The truth is so much easier to remember. And the first rule I have always referred to is Never go back. 
Don't write anything down you don't want everyone to read. 
Don't say anything you wouldn't say in front of your mother.

Dear young girl,
Maybe you are related to me, if so I know you have opinions on everything. My mother was the queen of having an opinion. As her youngest grandson Paul would call her Bull Headed. A funny thing for her to be called since when she was young her family referred to her as Sitting Bull.

Mom did what she wanted and if that meant standing out behind her work smoking a cigarette with the men she shouldn't have been associating with in that day and age. Well, she did it. That same woman taught us that your station in life isn't important if you are a good person. Rich or poor it just doesn't matter. Mom grew up in a time and place where you didn't associate with people that were different than you. Yet somehow she taught us there are good and bad people everywhere.

A great piece of advice for you is that middle school and high school seem like forever but as you get older you will realize that those years are just a blip on the screen and there is so much more after that.  When people are mean it is usually because they truly don't like them self. They hurt others to make them self feel powerful. But those are the weakest people. They throw their weight around to see what they can get away with. Be nice and walk away. Always remember: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It is advice as old as the written word but there are no truer words. There is actually satisfaction to be had by being nice to someone that can't say a nice thing to you. As one of my favorite store managers told me just tell them to have a nice day. What can they say back to that. Well, I had a lady throw a box of medicine at me once because I told her to have a nice day. Still makes me smile today.

You will not be able to do everything right and you will treat people poorly. You will make mistakes. Recognize them as just that and improve yourself. You will befriend people you shouldn't and when you realize it cut your losses and walk away.

I have told the story many times that a boyfriend that I had been with for years. I thought we would get married after high school. Thought we would have kids and live happily ever after. It didn't work out that way and once I caught myself lying to him. I knew that I had to walk away. The friend I went to when it was over, funny thing is that was where he was going also. He had been seeing her behind my back. I sometimes think I wasted the years crying over this guy that I was just trying to please and there was no way I could. He didn't ever worry about making me happy. That is something to look for. If someone says they love you and they won't stick their neck out for you or defend your honor. You might want to think about not defending their's anymore.

A rebound is a rebound. Don't try to make it more. If a bad thing gets you out of a worse situation take it for what it is and keep it moving. It may seem counter productive but sometimes even a bad move is better than staying where you are.

 Realize that your time is precious don't waste it. In the same vain sometimes you have to be quiet and by yourself. Be happy with that person you are with. Know that she has a pure heart and means well. If she doesn't help her to do better. Yes, be nice to yourself. You are worth the effort.

True friends are the family you choose. Choose wisely and they will last forever. When they ask your opinion tell the truth but all the same expect the truth when you ask that of them. That is how you will know your friendship is pure. Those are the relationships that can last a lifetime. I can tell you I have been blessed with friends. Friends that tell me the truth and lift me up when I am down. And in the same turn I will lift anyone up that I can.

One truth in life is everything changes. Love where you are but know it isn't forever. Years of school become years of work. And one job sometimes leads to another and other times it leads to unemployment. Whatever happens keep moving forward.

I hope after reading this that you know you are capable of whatever you want to do. You can love others but have to love yourself first. That doesn't mean to hurt others for your own gain. The people you meet on your way up the ladder of life, they will be there on your way back down. Weather they help you or hurt you may depend on how you treated them.

Whoever you are know you are loved. That those that came before you, tried to make the world better for you. When I say hello to a stranger it was in hopes that someday someone will say hello to you when you need it. Smile and let them know how much it means to you. It may be what they needed to hear.

Love,
Aunt Jeanne

Peace, Happiness and Love

So much of everything is the same. Today is the same as yesterday and tomorrow probably won't be very different. Last weekend and and again today I watched a couple episodes of a documentary about Rick Rubin and his place Shangri-La. His home, recording studio, paradise. I am not sure if it is perfection but it seems a simple life not an easy one or maybe it is? He has found a way to make it his own. The thing that interested me was that he is not a person whose music I would have been interested in but there are themes that I believe and after watching the first episode there is music he has made with people that I like. But he tells the musicians, if you are true to yourself you are successful. You may not have a top 10 gold record but you can walk away from your work and be proud of it. Today as I was watching he spoke of meditation and these musicians that come there find a inner peace that they didn't have. I don't feel like he tells them what to do but shows them. Asks questions, like do you like the way that feels? I am sure there are plenty of people that tell these artists what will sell and what won't but Rick wants you to be happy with your work. Try something you've never tried stick your neck out and at the same time look inside. On the episode I watched last week he said that is why there are one hit wonders. That passion they have when they are not making money isn't there when they try to repeat the magic. The influences are crazy and the fans that are let down when an artist can't duplicate it. They spends their whole life creating the first album but only have 2 years to get the next one out.

 As I watch I feel like he is a life coach I couldn't afford to go to. For someone to tell me Jeanne, you have to be happy. This isn't like asking do you like bacon with your eggs. This is saying what makes you truly happy and do it. Unfortunately I have not yet found a way to make money at the things I love but I have never stuck my neck out to do those things either. I do them in my spare time, at home alone, at 3am. Funny how my happiness and joy from writing or photography sometimes comes through hard times. Sometimes tears in my eyes before I even take the picture. That is how you know it is good. People don't understand that sometimes letting go of the things that make me worry bring tears to my eyes to but those aren't sad tears. Sometimes they are happy ones.

Sitting here today I thought I would listen to some music from the musicians I saw on this documentary today. I found at the end that one that I was going to look up has passed away since the filming.  Instead I turned on my XM radio and it was on Prime Country. Right out of the gate some Gatlin Brothers, All the Gold in California, then a Reba duet with Linda Davis Does He Loves You, then Love Me by Colin Raye if you don't know that song well the if you aren't crying listening to the words the last couple lines say "Between now and then, 'til I see you again. I'll be loving you, Love Me." When we were kids mom would leave us notes with what we needed to do around house before she got home and her signature was simply the word Love. I have always signed mine Love, Me.

Ironically this was not a word spoken in our house as kids. It was an understanding that we were loved. It was a given. We had food, clothes and lots of family. We never wanted for anything and as we grew up that is how we understood love. There weren't hugs exchanged or kisses it was the act of love that we were raised with. I didn't even know that it wasn't the way every one's family was until I got older and I remember a friend trying to hug me and I was kinda put off by this awkward showing of affection. Now as adults we have all learned how to show affection of this type but it still to me isn't all that love is. I still believe love is a verb. It is an action not a gift. Yes, a hug is an action but so spending time with a person, just visiting or talking. It is putting a roof over your head and feeding you. I know some are going to take that is being mean. It wasn't mean it was love. My favorite dad story is one from when I was very young walking down a sidewalk with my father and I tripped. He stood there and waited for me to get up. He didn't rush to grab me and wipe my knees. These two ladies were there and saw what happened and said to my dad, Aren't you going to pick her up. My dad said, She has to learn to get up on her own. I won't always be there to pick her up. I told that story in 7th grade for a project.  So to each their own but I know that story is love.

I know I always say I don't know what I am writing about when I start. This blog is a free form expression of the things in my head and at the time I stop to share them. As I spend this evening listening to the music that made me I think why in the world don't we have music like this and the answer is maybe love is given easily and everyone is owed something. No one wants to do anything the hard way anymore. People don't want to wait or put in the time. The last thing I want to share from this series was that people think that when they get their gold album they will be happy but that void can't be filled like that. This is why you have to be happy with what you do.

Happy 20th Anniversary

Today is Brian and my 20th Anniversary being married and 25 years we have lived together. In the summer of 1993 I was 26 years old and he was 22. God we were so young. For those of you that don't know the story it is kinda cute. One of my best friends was the store manager of the Eckerd store on the beach and I stopped in to visit and to show her my new kittens I had just taken by the vet to have checked out and she introduced me to this new guy in the break room. As soon as he said his name I said, "you have a brother don't you?" Brian couldn't believe I knew his brother from band in middle school Then I remember I said something wise and he had a smart remark back and I said, finally you hired someone that can give me a run for my money. Who knew that 25 years later I would be sitting here reminiscing? A few weeks later was his birthday and we went out and played darts at Eddie;s in Dunedin. Cooter's on the beach opened and we went there for a date. The first movie we ever saw together was "The Nightmare before Christmas", Every year at Halloween when the movie is on TV we joke about that.  Later I saw a picture of him not too long before we met and I couldn't believe he had one of those rat tail things young guys had back then. I teased that I never would have looked at him twice if he had that thing and he said that my friend told him to loose it before he started to work and just the day before I met him he had cut it off.I call it Fate.

Now life has a funny way of working out. Here is a guy that we joke with each other that we each were the one that knew first that we would be together forever. We used to love to play darts together and one of my favorite dart stories was one night we were out at a Sports bar and we were waiting to play a game of darts and there were two guys playing and they were teasing each other and one guy said to the other that he played like a girl. Brian in is quick wit said,"you want to be beat by a girl?" We played doubles against those two guys and we beat them. Makes me smile even tonight thinking of the fun we have when we are together.

Another funny story was when I cooked for Brian the first time. One night when he got off work I made dinner. Just a pork chop, stuffing and gravy. I always joke all it took was one pork chop and I had him. But not to sell Brian short he cooked for me also. The first meal he cooked for me was homemade beef and pasta. like Beefaroni but better. Because he made it. I took a picture of him that night and it has sat on my dresser ever since. A few years back he was cooking for me again and again I took the same shot of him all these years later. Love any dinner made for me.

In the fall of 1993 Brian's roommate moved out and he was in need of a place to live and I had a spare room in the house. So with the help of some friends he moved in. Brian used to call David my current roommate back then, the good roommate. David was handy and paid his rent and well that is the best kind of roommate to have. But not long after Brian moved in David moved out. It was the whole 3rd wheel thing even though I think neither of us were willing to admit that might be the case.

The more we got to know each other the more he was around my family and he didn't have any family that lived close and one of the first things I insisted on us doing was planning a trip to visit his parents. Family has always been important and I wanted it to be important for him as well. We went the next January and had a great visit with his parents and grand parents and his brother and his wife and their little boy that was turning a year old. We took a picture of the men of his family 4 generations and last year when that same nephew graduated from the Air Force Flight School we did the same picture again just short one generation. But still great to get together with family his or mine.

I could walk down memory lane for 25 years worth good times and bad. There is something there that I don't completely understand because no matter what happens the worst day with him is better than the best day without him. No matter what we have been through and we have been through stuff but when I look next to me there he is and I wouldn't dream of it being any other way.

In our 25 years together we probably haven't spent 30 nights apart. Those are the nights I know how much I appreciate him. How important he is. Unfortunately in 25 years we have had a lot of nights sitting across from each other mindlessly watching TV. Maybe that is what happens as two people become so comfortable together that they are just  content to be together.

Now today Brian and I had a visit from his best friend and Best Man who always remembers my marriage advice.  As I told Brian early on that Love isn't the key. The main thing you need is to be able to tolerate each other. Because lots of girls had told him that they loved him but they aren't still here and why you ask because they didn't tolerate him. That thing that someone does that you are with that you want to spend the rest of your life with. That thing that if they do it one more time you will scream. Know that that thing could happen every day for the rest of your life. If you can tolerate that then that is what Love is.

So as I have said before. I tolerate you Brian til death do us part. And I hope we have at least 25 more years of holding hands and smiling at things that only we smile at and annoying each other in ways that only we can because only we have been together long enough to know the thing you know "That thing".

I just wanted to take this time to tell you that I will always choose you.

Love you Babe.

Happy Anniversary.

The RISE and fall of TV

I have a friend Glen who shares all the ins and outs of the TV world. He posts upcoming shows and cancellations and everything anyone could want to know about TV. I suppose he really enjoys it because it must take a lot of his time. I like to read about the new things coming out and always hope for something a little deeper than a sit-com or less violent then some of the police dramas. So this spring as I saw info on a new show Rise I thought that it sounded interesting. Not something Brian would watch there are no guns or bombs exploding. So each week not even committing to recording it I would watch it On Demand whenever I had an hour alone at home which isn't often. I found some of it to be a bit too real life for me but I liked that it was based on how life was when I was a kid. Families eating dinner together. Kids getting together in the evening for a football game and going out afterwards. Each family with their own drama and all this surrounds a school play. Now if you have not yet watched the final episode stop reading and watch. I will wait...

For those that didn't take the time to watch the 10 episodes I will give you a quick rundown on some of the things that were going on at Stanton High School. A catholic boy struggling with his sexuality kisses another boy, a girl becomes a boy and a foster kid sleeps in the light room in the school auditorium because it is better than his foster home until the teacher finds out then moves in with his family. The star quarterback's mom is dying and he is in the play and the female star of the play is the girl who's mom is seeing the married football coach. The girl who thinks she should be the star is struggling with her football coach father splitting up with her mom and the female teacher that has worked with the drama dept for 20 years gets passed up for the director job by a man. And this new director well he has his own issues at home with his son drinking and he brought home a homeless foster kid wants to put on a play that is going to change the world. If this doesn't make you want to watch well. I can't help you.

My friend Glen posts the past few weeks the drama of behind the scenes TV that the show we like to watch Scorpion is not going to be renewed too much drama on the set because two of the stars really dated and now can't work together. People of Hollywood when will you learn. Another show I like Lethal Weapon may or may not be renewed because one of the stars is so full of himself the others can't be around him. Really this is your livelihood or do you just believe another opportunity is around the corner. Glen now says they are going to bring the show back but the character that I really like, the troubled cop, he was the problem maker and his character has been re-cast. Not sure I will like it. So I thought that maybe Rise would be able to fill the gap that one of these other shows would leave. But just like in the show the reality of real life is really too much for today's TV audience. The viewing public would much rather see unrealistic things like people getting married after just meeting or people living naked in the wild with TV crews all around them than to watch how realistic people live with their own personal dramas.

Now I have given those that haven't watched plenty of time to stop reading so Spoiler alert it will all be spilled in the next few paragraphs.

It makes perfect sense I mean it is real life imitating art or art imitating real life either way. The people of Stanton as they start to hear about the play, parents each with their own concern about their students part in the play and that the subjects broached in the play are too mature for their teen. The ironic part is they are all subjects that teens have been exposed to for years. Teenage drinking, pregnancy, sexuality. So why not watch a show like this with your kids and have a conversation about it instead of it being taboo and well leave your kids life to chance. Just like the Catholic family struggling with what might be going on in their son's life the answer must be to pull him out of the public school and put him in a Catholic school. How will that fix anything? And if you don't watch this show with your kids they will never drink or have sex until they have moved out of your house. Come on world. I know. I don't have kids and I don't understand how hard it is to be a parent today. Nope. I don't. But I can relate to when my parents were getting divorced and the things that I did as a teen some just like the kids on the show because everyone else did and others well I made those mistakes on my own. And any day of the year I can tell you all the reasons I shouldn't have made those choices but I did because I didn't have the nerve to say no or the ability to walk away. Why not deal with that subject at home and remind your kids that they don't have to do whatever it is that everyone else is doing. Trust me there were things I knew my dad would kill me if I did them and most of them I didn't do. Yes, some of the things were fun and so are the things these kids are doing. As they practice for the play they see the progress and are proud of their work but then have to go out and defend it all the same to their parents to teachers and the principal always working the angle that his head will be on the chopping block if this play goes on as rehearsed.

In the weeks leading up to the play the principal and the PTA moms come to see a run through and basically ask the director to cut out the parts that they feel might offend or might not be appropriate for some. So they slash scenes and change costumes to make them more appropriate and by the time they are done they have changed the play. Is the kid going to commit suicide oh no that can't happen. He is just going to be really sad or is it she because this is the transgender kid. At the end of the big number do that say it is F- up or Hosed. I am not a fan of the word but doesn't mean that as an expletive it does have it's place in the dictionary. I would assume there are voices out there like mine that feel that this show does have its place on TV. But the voices of the ones that are offended. You know the ones. They are struggling in life with their own issues and don't want to be reminded on TV that life is hard. Not that living naked in the wilderness is easy if it was we all would be doing it.

The two teachers the one who has been working with the drama department and the new to the dance director have made compromises and have gotten under each others skin all at the same time but always coming back together for the good of the production. She is the choreographer and prop master and he is the visionary that wants to make his mark on the world or at least his small town. In the days leading up the principal makes a deal with her and says she can have the program next year if she just gets these changes made and well the director he sees that she might be working an angle and confronts her and now she isn't going to opening night. You feel it don't you it is all about to blow up in someone's face.

Here we are, all the drama at home these kids have practiced their hearts out just like we did for band in High School. The principal walks into the directors office on opening night and says that he and the PTA moms were talking and there is just one more scene that needs to be cut. If you agree to cut it the play will go on. It is opening night there are people already sitting in the auditorium and he wants another change. There is no time for another change. Now in my head I have known for the last two weeks what is about to happen because I am the person who will stick my neck out for what is right and if I believed in the beginning that this play was ok, it is.

The principal walks out and there he is standing in front of his entire student cast. The director had asked the other teacher to come but she wouldn't budge. She felt offended not so much that she was found out but that he said that she was putting herself in front of the students. She to was just trying to do what she thought was the best. The director looks at the kids and one asks are we cutting that scene and he said, "No. Do it as we originally rehearsed.  Do the whole thing as we originally rehearsed." The transgender kid asks, "am I really sad or am I committing suicide" and he says, you are committing suicide". Now he knows he is probably committing career suicide by making this decision. So the girls are removing the extra material added to their costumes to make them less revealing and the transgender student is looking for the prop gun and it can't be found. The student prop master has to make the call to the other teacher asking where would the gun be? And she keeps asking why and what is going on and she says, "cough once if the suicide scene is going on". The student coughs and she runs to get into the shower because there is a play to go to tonight.

There they sit in the middle of the theater the principal and the school board president and the PTA moms. When the curtain goes up they immediately notice the costumes are more revealing than they thought they should be. Oh my did they just say the "F" word. The principal gets up and thinks he can stop this. Thinks he can stop the two boys from kissing or the the girl being beaten or the kids dealing with pregnancy and abortion. But there she is the teacher that was willing to cave but not anymore. She tells him how proud she is of these students and how hard they worked and you can't stop it now.
This is how I feel about the show. NBC basically put a show on TV with some depth so that the people who can't handle it could complain and then what cave to them. Or is this just a ploy that they are that brave director and next season there will be more. It is basically the choice of the network. Be brave or cave.

I know I am just one person but I have just given you every reason to cancel the show and to keep it on the air. It is your choice now. Are you brave enough to show your true colors like your Peacock emblem or are you really an ostrich sticking your head in the sand.

I really enjoyed watching the show. Thanks for that.

Badges Earned

I started this blog on Nov 15th and couldn't finish that day so today I will try to finish off what I was thinking.

I always say that I think about things too much. Well the last couple days my thoughts have been on a year ago. A year ago today that day the phone rang before 8 AM and it was my brother. He just put mom in an ambulance. The paramedics weren't sure if she had a stroke or was it something else. So the day began. I was thinking this morning how a girl scout gets a badge for successfully completing a project or task. Well that was the day I got the badge for sitting in the emergency room with my mom alone trying to make decisions I didn't think I would ever have to make. I also got the badge for handing off the responsibility to my sisters while I went to work badge. And I got the badge for the first day of the next 90 days badge.

I know I have said plenty of times that my mom was stubborn and hard headed or as my nephew liked to say she was bull headed. The next few days were very difficult we were told she couldn't safely swallow anything solid or liquid then the doctors told us if we sat with her it was our responsibility so she ate. She gained strength but they never gave us hope. Mom did though. We all did our part. Took turns. That would be the care giving badge which we found has multiple levels. There is the sit with a sick person badge. There is the bring food to the one sitting with the sick badge and the know when it is time to walk away badge. So you can see in just the few days she spent in the hospital my brother and sisters and I have already raked in multiple badges.

I read what I write and the memories come flooding back and some may think then why do you read them. I read them to remember. To remember that we did what we did because that was what mom expected us to do and that we did in respect and honor to her.

Today is now December 20th and last year I was getting the badge to be brave enough to go to Alaska and enjoy my nephew's wedding and see snow for the first time and enjoy the company of friends and family and experience all kinds of new and different things and know that your brother and sisters will take good care of mom until you return home badge.

Over the next few weeks there were more badges to earn for all of us. We each bared the burden and stepped up where we probably didn't think we would ever have to step up before. Of course Christmas was not the same as years past and this year will be different again but we are all learning new responsibilities and mom would be happy that we are all going to get together and that was the most important thing to her. Presents weren't important. It was having her kids and grand kids and anyone else who had no where to be should experience Christmas at mom's house. Most people the first time was a sense of awe. Absolute amazement that my mom she always bought gifts all year and they may have been thrift store, garage sale gifts but she tried to find things that you liked. For me it was always cats and geese. My brother it was always something beer or bottle opener. But there was always something that could be given to the surprise guest that showed up, a can of peanuts or box of candy. Mom always wanted everyone to have something, even if she had nothing.

Sometimes I remember how hard we had it at times and yet she always figured out ways to get us what we needed. And if it meant her doing without that wasn't even a question. In these last few months I have sorted through papers. So many papers. I know some would have just tossed it all but in the process I found an envelope that I had written a note on and left for mom to find in her car. It said,  Have a good trip, do something for yourself. I remembered I had put money in the envelope for her because she never would have taken it from me. I was about 18 years old at the time.

So I have lost track of my badges I have earned but along with each was a lesson. I remember the year my Grandma Helen passed away. She died 26 years ago today. One of my sisters said after my dad had to pay over $600 to fly her home for Grandma's funeral, "all grandma would have wanted was for all of us to be together for Christmas." Well we were. We had her funeral on Christmas Eve. There was not a more appropriate day than that for my Grandmother. I can see her as an usher at church with her white coat on and her Christmas tree pin, which I am now the proud owner of and will wear today for Grandma.

I am the only one not in the picture. I left after the funeral and went back to work. This was taken in front of her house only a few blocks away from where we lived. I see the faces of my cousins and aunts and uncle and right there in front mom. This wasn't her mom. It was my dad's mom and the divorce was still new but my mom knew it was the right thing to do.

Me not being there was a mistake on my part but I have always felt an obligation to the place I work and always had a very strong work ethic which I learned from my father and mother and my Grandmother.
So as these last few weeks pass up until next month when it will be a year since mom passed. I will continue to earn badges for things I thought I would never do, like move my brother into his own house and finish emptying out mom's house. I am also learning to live without her even though I speak of her a lot and probably think of her more. I am learning to decide which things that she loved that I love and how to let go of some of the others. That is a hard badge for me. Letting go badge.

I know this may not seem like the joyous Christmas message you thought but it is a message of giving selflessly as mom did and accept the gifts given because they were chosen with love. And enjoy the time you have with family. You don't know what the next holiday may bring.

Merry Christmas and to all of my angels Mom, Grandma Helen, Grandma and Grandfather Yearout, Aunt Jan, Aunt Mary Jane, Uncle Chuck. I know you will all be enjoying this Christmas together.

Hard Candy Shell and Soft Sweet Interior

Almost always before I write a new post I read an old one. Sometimes I look down the list of titles and go to a similar emotion or situation and see where I went the time before and try to figure out where I am going today. Well it is early in the morning for me 7:30 and the birds have been singing since I don't know when. I have been awake for more than an hour and I didn't fall asleep until after 3. So I am still tired but my head does not always want to stop thinking for the sake of sleep. So I figured get up play a game of solitaire and write and maybe then I can take a nap. Hopefully.

Well the post I read today was about Radar. I wrote it back in September. Surprisingly enough he is still hanging on. Not doing as well as back in September which I thought was rough but he is doing worse. My brother however has been amazing with him. My brother Al does not have much patience for anything. He likes things the way he likes them and that is that. I said back in September how we were alike in a lot of ways but patience is not a word that I would have used to describe him until now. The way I thought of him last night was like an M&M hard candy shell that is soft and sweet on the inside. Most if not all that know Al would say that everyone is familiar with his hard candy shell. He does not remove it often to show the soft sweet inside. But Radar (his dog) does not see anything else. As far as he is concerned the sun rises and sets by Al. And Al thinks the same of that silly dog.

When I thought last night that if Al was a candy it would be an M&M, I thought well what would I be and I thought a Sour Patch Kid. Sweet exterior  but a little hard to bite into. As you can see the flavors are totally different but you still have to take a bite to get either one of us completely.  I know it is totally against our family's way but I am so proud of my brother and wish that everyone that knew him realized what a great guy he is. It is really hard to get past the shell but the inside is so sweet. Now Al does not have a computer so unless I print this out and take it to him he will not read it which maybe someday I will but not today. Most likely my sisters will not read it either. Each of us in our own way is just like the other. As Brian likes to say about the 5 of us we are like some kind of cloning project gone bad. You can just tell when you meet one of us that you know all of us. So for the soft sweet center of all of us I shed tears this morning again for Radar and my brother. I know it is ridiculous to mourn before someone is gone but maybe it makes me appreciate the time I have left to share with the ones I love.

Now I told you back in September how Al walks Radar religiously 4 times a day. Well Radar can not walk around the park anymore and he doesn't go in the house anymore because it is too hard for him to climb the steps and well lately Al pretty much carries him where he is going because his legs are just too wobbly. But those eyes of that silly dog are so full of love and admiration for my brother. His head perks up as soon as he hears the sound of Al's car pulling in the driveway and that silly wiggle butt of his starts going and does not stop until he can see Al's face. They still have their afternoon ritual of going in the pool. Al now lays a rug out for Radar to put his head on when he gets out of the pool and sets his food and water in front of him and Al visits with our mom and they dry off. Radar eats and drinks before they head inside for an evening of television.

As I also said back in September I mourn first and ask questions later. And I have tried to remind my brother that I know it is hard to take care of Radar as he has but Al is amazing with that stinking dog. Things that he would not tolerate from me or our mom he takes from the dog. Doesn't matter accident on the floor no big deal. Clean it up. Spills the water. No big deal get a bowl that is easier for Radar to drink from and clean it up. As it got harder for Radar's legs to hold him up Al got him vitamins for his joints and whatever else he needed.

I only share this today not to say that Al is a saint. He is not but to say that all of us even Al who mostly only shows that hard candy shell has a inside that very few get to see. Like Al I feel like the barrier I put up between me and others is not for your sake but mine. I must guard myself against those that would expose the softer inside and take advantage of it. I think Al is a lot like that. He has a heart as big as the world and most would never know. Most would not take the time to get past that hard exterior. You can chip away for years and until you see him taking care of Radar or my favorite picture of Uncle Al is him holding one of our nieces when she was maybe a few months old and the other about 5 or 6 leaning hard against him smiling as big as the world. Al even has a little grin that probably had to be coaxed out of him. Again just a few seconds exposure that anyone looking would know he loves those kids.

I find it funny how my brain works. I have been thinking half the night about comparing my brother to an M&M and still can not think of a title for this post or a moral of this story. Maybe it is just that things are not always what they appear and what is hard for one person is easy for another it is only because that person's life has been spent getting to this moment and yours has not. Life is funny that way. When something happens you think you cannot handle or get through you do. Maybe it is part of the bigger plan and what you are getting through today is going to bring you to a bigger challenge that you can face being braver than you ever thought you could tomorrow. Either way a few words I do not say enough I am very proud of my brother and have an unbelievable respect for him. And whatever today brings he can face head on and is a better person for these last few months one humble dog has brought the best out in him and the rest of us.

You just can't help but love that bad dog. Love you Radar.

I Tolerate you till death do us part

With Valentine's Day coming up I thought I would write about Love and Marriage and Tolerance. These all go together well at least in my mind. It goes way back to a day that I was irritated with Brian and he kept saying I love you. And at that moment I was mad. I said, "I tolerate you." Then he was madder. Well I went on to explain the meaning of tolerate.  Merriam-Webster says, to allow (something that is bad or unpleasant) to happen, exist or be done. or to accept the feelings or beliefs or another.  Which is similar to what I told Brian that day. I said, "you know before me you had other girlfriends and I assume that they all said they love you right?" He agreed but still not happy. I said then why are they not still here? Because they didn't tolerate you. See you can love something or someone and it will get you by for a while but if you do not tolerate all they are inside and out then you will not last forever. And I tolerate you. Forever.

Well that was not the end of that day but it was forever ingrained in both of us that we have to be able to put up with the things that irritate the crap out of us that the other does. It is the same for any relationship. Brothers, and sisters, moms and dads and even friends. Everyone has a childhood friend that something happened somewhere along the way and you could no longer tolerate their behavior or they yours and poof. No more friendship. Same with families that no longer speak. So my determination is that if you want a relationship to last yes love is nice but the key is tolerate the other person till death do us part. I know that no one is going to change their vows to include tolerate but I think it is the most important one.

Had a dear friend from middle school until we were into are 20's she was bitchy and bossy and always wanted to be in charge and that was ok. She slept with my boyfriend of 7 years. Couldn't tolerate that end of friendship. End of boyfriend too. Couldn't tolerate his behavior any longer either.

This is the sort of action that some would tolerate. Some would say I can get past it but I believe that is the seed that starts the process of no longer loving the person. In my case seed planted and grew to maturity in about 3.2 seconds that day for them both.

On a side note for tolerance. I think the world could use a lot more of it. Sometimes that thing that irritates you about someone else is something inside of you that you do not like either. So if everyone would try to be more tolerant of the people around them the world could be a much better place.

And for those of you considering marriage keep in mind that thing that they do that bothers you. You know everyone does something that you were like wow. Now if I didn't love you that could be a deal breaker. Well consider how much that thing irritates you that they do and consider that they may do that thing everyday for the rest of your life. And if you can tolerate it than you should be good to go.

So this Valentine's day when you are expressing your love with a sappy card and some candy or flowers remember that the thing that keeps you together is not that you love each other. It is that you tolerate each other. Forever.

The End is the Beginning

I feel as though this chapter of my life started last May.

I was fired from my job. I hated it and loved at the same time. I don't do anything half way. It is all or nothing. And no matter what anyone there believes I gave all I had to the last day I worked there.

After which I found that I was so sick and weak that I had to have a blood transfusion.

So in a way that week part of me died. And part of me was renewed.

I lost old friends in the mix. But were they truely friends if they no longer call or have nothing to do with me because we do not work together anymore. I still have contact with 3 people from that job. We get together as we did before and always will.

Just like Eckerds after 20 years. There are still some that almost 8 years later I still speak to and see. Not as much as I like, but I do.

Now with my new chapter, new job I again have new friends. Some will be come old friends and some will fade with time. Sometimes I am suprized by the ones that stay and the ones that go.

Today made me think of the past year and how it has been a year of endings and a year of beginnings.
Brian and I had a terrible loss of a family. But we have had new additions. We have had the joy of sharing our house with our nieces this summer from Alaska and Arizona. The joy of getting to know them and them us. The memories made will never be forgotten. 4th of July on the back steps of City Hall watching fireworks over the bay. Uncle Brian taking the girls to Adventure Island. The girls got to know each other better as well. Sharing time together watching movies and I will never forget the afternoon we came home from work and all of them were sleeping on the couch snug as 3 bugs in a rug.

So today I attended church as Brian and I have the last few weeks. Last week we shared our story of loss with the church for their Domestic Violence Charity offering. But today I went alone and had a gift of renewal again. They spoke this morning of giving up your worldly belongings to get everything back.

Just like in the book Eat, Pray and Love. As the story goes the husband and wife are in the process of divorcing and the husband is a mooch and takes and takes. Finally she says fine take it all. I want nothing but to be rid of you ( I paraphrase). But in the end she travels she is renewed in life and prayer and again finds Love.

So, Again we have met new people at church that have welcomed us and some of these same people I feel will become old friends. For Brian attending First Church is like going home to a familar place. Where to me it is like a new job not sure what to do or say and following the lead of others but yet made to feel comfortable as they show the way.

I was thinking we have given up so many things in the last year me without a job yet we did not suffer. We still had a roof over our head and food to eat. We lost family and my cat Mary. Dear Mary who had so much of me in her. Her and I were a pair for 21 years. She would only let most people pet her a few times and then she would scratch or bite them. Those who know me know that I can sometimes be the same way. Don't want anything too close. But always loving those who take the time to know me and let me know them so I am not afraid of their love and I let them in.

So as I go to work this week and live my life I am going to give all I have and in return expect nothing. So everything I get in return will be a blessing.