Deep breath, and then a sigh. I have been so busy lately with so much stuff. I have now been working with the Historical Society for 2 years now. And I have been volunteering weekly and enjoy it more than I probably should. A lady that came in the museum the other day said something as I was telling her about what we had we started talking and she said, "I don't know if I want to look around or sit and talk to you." That was a great compliment for a person who likes to tell stories about this place that I grew up. Another lady I met one day wrote a book about Dunedin and the Fenway Hotel. It was a very slow day at the museum but as soon as she said she was published I was fascinated by every word she said. She was so nice once I told her of my interest in writing she asked me to join her writing group.
This bunch of ladies are so smart. They all have experience I don't as far as writing. To me writing is me and a piece of paper and pen or a blank screen and a keyboard. My brain barely engaged. My fingers know what to type sometimes when I have no idea what I need to say. So this group of ladies has not only inspired me to work on getting something I have written published but in the back of my head I have always wanted to get my Aunt Jan's manuscript published. It is about the Civil War.
She wrote about being a soldier and my great-great-great grandfather's part in the war. Speaking of battles and brigades and things I remember her researching when I was a kid. After travelling to Perryville, Kentucky she came home with a civil war button and a bullet for each of my brother and sisters.
The last couple weeks I started typing word for word her words. Matching her comma for comma. I had never sat down and read the whole thing until I finished last night. And as I got to the end I wondered how she would end it. I mean the battle that in that day was known to be one of the bloodiest battles the shear number of men lost just made me stop when you say 54,000 Union soldiers.Over 4,000 left on the battlefield is just so many people. For a comparison in 1860 in Louisville, Kentucky which is where my relative was from the population was only 100,000. Then I think about Bardstown Road probably the path they took marching from Louisville to Bardstown and then to Perryville. Well thanks to Google I know that walking that far would take about 24 hours. Now imagine being thirsty because they were short of water and the water they had was contaminated. It is October and probably cool at night again Google says 45 for a low and 68 for a high.
About 14 years ago Brian and I went to a re-enactment there at Perryville. The battlefield is now a park. There was a house that was still standing at that time that had been used by a doctor to try to help the injured. While we were there that day they had what they called a ghost walk in the evening it was like walking through a cemetery and having the ghosts stop and tell you how it was for him. They read letters that were written from the battlefield and told accounts of the battle. Then there is a part of me that was there that day. Edmond didn't know that over a hundred years later someone would write about him. Or that I would travel to the place one day. Or that I would come back years later with two more generations of his descendants. He didn't know any of that back then. I am not even sure why he was there. He had only been here in the US less than 10 years. Was he just trying to make money or did he believe in the cause or did he not want to deal with the death of his wife and his two small daughters at home. Whichever way it was for Edmond. I know it seems strange but I know some bit of me was there. Even though these are not places that I have ever lived I have visited many times in my life that somehow I am connected to that place. My mother's side of the family lived in Louisville since before the Civil War until 1962 when her family moved to Florida.
As usual I got a little off but someday 100 years from now one of my great great nieces or nephews may read these words and know that some part of them was here with me tonight. There is a part of my heart that is old as the sun and the moon. And it is in that old soul that I connect with things most don't.
My aunt ended with a short family tree and some of the documents from Edmond's time as a Union soldier. So I am getting closer to my goal of getting it published. I need to scan her images, maps and documents then I am going to try to send an excerpt to a publisher. I know when I do Edmond and Jan will be there. Wish them luck.
Showing posts with label Aunt Jan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Aunt Jan. Show all posts
Monday, November 25, 2019
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Badges Earned
I started this blog on Nov 15th and couldn't finish that day so today I will try to finish off what I was thinking.
I always say that I think about things too much. Well the last couple days my thoughts have been on a year ago. A year ago today that day the phone rang before 8 AM and it was my brother. He just put mom in an ambulance. The paramedics weren't sure if she had a stroke or was it something else. So the day began. I was thinking this morning how a girl scout gets a badge for successfully completing a project or task. Well that was the day I got the badge for sitting in the emergency room with my mom alone trying to make decisions I didn't think I would ever have to make. I also got the badge for handing off the responsibility to my sisters while I went to work badge. And I got the badge for the first day of the next 90 days badge.
I know I have said plenty of times that my mom was stubborn and hard headed or as my nephew liked to say she was bull headed. The next few days were very difficult we were told she couldn't safely swallow anything solid or liquid then the doctors told us if we sat with her it was our responsibility so she ate. She gained strength but they never gave us hope. Mom did though. We all did our part. Took turns. That would be the care giving badge which we found has multiple levels. There is the sit with a sick person badge. There is the bring food to the one sitting with the sick badge and the know when it is time to walk away badge. So you can see in just the few days she spent in the hospital my brother and sisters and I have already raked in multiple badges.
I read what I write and the memories come flooding back and some may think then why do you read them. I read them to remember. To remember that we did what we did because that was what mom expected us to do and that we did in respect and honor to her.
Today is now December 20th and last year I was getting the badge to be brave enough to go to Alaska and enjoy my nephew's wedding and see snow for the first time and enjoy the company of friends and family and experience all kinds of new and different things and know that your brother and sisters will take good care of mom until you return home badge.
Over the next few weeks there were more badges to earn for all of us. We each bared the burden and stepped up where we probably didn't think we would ever have to step up before. Of course Christmas was not the same as years past and this year will be different again but we are all learning new responsibilities and mom would be happy that we are all going to get together and that was the most important thing to her. Presents weren't important. It was having her kids and grand kids and anyone else who had no where to be should experience Christmas at mom's house. Most people the first time was a sense of awe. Absolute amazement that my mom she always bought gifts all year and they may have been thrift store, garage sale gifts but she tried to find things that you liked. For me it was always cats and geese. My brother it was always something beer or bottle opener. But there was always something that could be given to the surprise guest that showed up, a can of peanuts or box of candy. Mom always wanted everyone to have something, even if she had nothing.
Sometimes I remember how hard we had it at times and yet she always figured out ways to get us what we needed. And if it meant her doing without that wasn't even a question. In these last few months I have sorted through papers. So many papers. I know some would have just tossed it all but in the process I found an envelope that I had written a note on and left for mom to find in her car. It said, Have a good trip, do something for yourself. I remembered I had put money in the envelope for her because she never would have taken it from me. I was about 18 years old at the time.
So I have lost track of my badges I have earned but along with each was a lesson. I remember the year my Grandma Helen passed away. She died 26 years ago today. One of my sisters said after my dad had to pay over $600 to fly her home for Grandma's funeral, "all grandma would have wanted was for all of us to be together for Christmas." Well we were. We had her funeral on Christmas Eve. There was not a more appropriate day than that for my Grandmother. I can see her as an usher at church with her white coat on and her Christmas tree pin, which I am now the proud owner of and will wear today for Grandma.
I am the only one not in the picture. I left after the funeral and went back to work. This was taken in front of her house only a few blocks away from where we lived. I see the faces of my cousins and aunts and uncle and right there in front mom. This wasn't her mom. It was my dad's mom and the divorce was still new but my mom knew it was the right thing to do.
Me not being there was a mistake on my part but I have always felt an obligation to the place I work and always had a very strong work ethic which I learned from my father and mother and my Grandmother.
So as these last few weeks pass up until next month when it will be a year since mom passed. I will continue to earn badges for things I thought I would never do, like move my brother into his own house and finish emptying out mom's house. I am also learning to live without her even though I speak of her a lot and probably think of her more. I am learning to decide which things that she loved that I love and how to let go of some of the others. That is a hard badge for me. Letting go badge.
I know this may not seem like the joyous Christmas message you thought but it is a message of giving selflessly as mom did and accept the gifts given because they were chosen with love. And enjoy the time you have with family. You don't know what the next holiday may bring.
Merry Christmas and to all of my angels Mom, Grandma Helen, Grandma and Grandfather Yearout, Aunt Jan, Aunt Mary Jane, Uncle Chuck. I know you will all be enjoying this Christmas together.
I always say that I think about things too much. Well the last couple days my thoughts have been on a year ago. A year ago today that day the phone rang before 8 AM and it was my brother. He just put mom in an ambulance. The paramedics weren't sure if she had a stroke or was it something else. So the day began. I was thinking this morning how a girl scout gets a badge for successfully completing a project or task. Well that was the day I got the badge for sitting in the emergency room with my mom alone trying to make decisions I didn't think I would ever have to make. I also got the badge for handing off the responsibility to my sisters while I went to work badge. And I got the badge for the first day of the next 90 days badge.
I know I have said plenty of times that my mom was stubborn and hard headed or as my nephew liked to say she was bull headed. The next few days were very difficult we were told she couldn't safely swallow anything solid or liquid then the doctors told us if we sat with her it was our responsibility so she ate. She gained strength but they never gave us hope. Mom did though. We all did our part. Took turns. That would be the care giving badge which we found has multiple levels. There is the sit with a sick person badge. There is the bring food to the one sitting with the sick badge and the know when it is time to walk away badge. So you can see in just the few days she spent in the hospital my brother and sisters and I have already raked in multiple badges.
I read what I write and the memories come flooding back and some may think then why do you read them. I read them to remember. To remember that we did what we did because that was what mom expected us to do and that we did in respect and honor to her.
Today is now December 20th and last year I was getting the badge to be brave enough to go to Alaska and enjoy my nephew's wedding and see snow for the first time and enjoy the company of friends and family and experience all kinds of new and different things and know that your brother and sisters will take good care of mom until you return home badge.
Over the next few weeks there were more badges to earn for all of us. We each bared the burden and stepped up where we probably didn't think we would ever have to step up before. Of course Christmas was not the same as years past and this year will be different again but we are all learning new responsibilities and mom would be happy that we are all going to get together and that was the most important thing to her. Presents weren't important. It was having her kids and grand kids and anyone else who had no where to be should experience Christmas at mom's house. Most people the first time was a sense of awe. Absolute amazement that my mom she always bought gifts all year and they may have been thrift store, garage sale gifts but she tried to find things that you liked. For me it was always cats and geese. My brother it was always something beer or bottle opener. But there was always something that could be given to the surprise guest that showed up, a can of peanuts or box of candy. Mom always wanted everyone to have something, even if she had nothing.
Sometimes I remember how hard we had it at times and yet she always figured out ways to get us what we needed. And if it meant her doing without that wasn't even a question. In these last few months I have sorted through papers. So many papers. I know some would have just tossed it all but in the process I found an envelope that I had written a note on and left for mom to find in her car. It said, Have a good trip, do something for yourself. I remembered I had put money in the envelope for her because she never would have taken it from me. I was about 18 years old at the time.
So I have lost track of my badges I have earned but along with each was a lesson. I remember the year my Grandma Helen passed away. She died 26 years ago today. One of my sisters said after my dad had to pay over $600 to fly her home for Grandma's funeral, "all grandma would have wanted was for all of us to be together for Christmas." Well we were. We had her funeral on Christmas Eve. There was not a more appropriate day than that for my Grandmother. I can see her as an usher at church with her white coat on and her Christmas tree pin, which I am now the proud owner of and will wear today for Grandma.
Me not being there was a mistake on my part but I have always felt an obligation to the place I work and always had a very strong work ethic which I learned from my father and mother and my Grandmother.
So as these last few weeks pass up until next month when it will be a year since mom passed. I will continue to earn badges for things I thought I would never do, like move my brother into his own house and finish emptying out mom's house. I am also learning to live without her even though I speak of her a lot and probably think of her more. I am learning to decide which things that she loved that I love and how to let go of some of the others. That is a hard badge for me. Letting go badge.
I know this may not seem like the joyous Christmas message you thought but it is a message of giving selflessly as mom did and accept the gifts given because they were chosen with love. And enjoy the time you have with family. You don't know what the next holiday may bring.
Merry Christmas and to all of my angels Mom, Grandma Helen, Grandma and Grandfather Yearout, Aunt Jan, Aunt Mary Jane, Uncle Chuck. I know you will all be enjoying this Christmas together.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Our differences are our similarities
Whenever I can't sleep at night the first thought that comes to my head is "it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it looks like it's gonna be another sleepless night." For those of you that don't know the lyrics to Crystal Gale's Talking in your sleep, it is one of those songs from the 70's I love. And looking that up I had no idea how many songs had to do with being up in the middle of the night. Well at this point it is 6 o'clock in the morning and it is freezing. Literally freezing. When I woke a hour or so ago to the sound of the heater trying to heat our freezing little house, Brian said it was 34 degrees outside and dropping. I have now gotten up and lit the fireplace. Which seems to be where I start a lot of the the time.
Since most of you have never been to our humble abode, we keep the computer in the front room of the house. It is surrounded by windows which I love but the real reason is it is just on the back side of the living room through an cutout that I think used to be the front window of the house. I like the light and I remember reading a long time ago that when you have kids in the house the best place for the computer was somewhere that everyone is. Not that we have kids but I always thought it was a good idea not to be sitting off in a room by yourself on this thing for hours at a time. So next to the desk I sit at is a small filing cabinet. One of the many possessions of my aunt's that I was "blessed with" as my mother likes to say.
My Aunt Jan. She was my mother's older and only sister. 3 years older than mom but in someways could not be more different. Same goes for the way I have always thought of her and I. Jan that is. Now for the differences she was tall and thin and had very short hair. Me not so much, not at all tall or thin and have always worn my hair longer but usually back in a pony tail which my sister tells me I should just cut it off if I am never going to where it down. But that is just how I like it.
So this was the rub. When we were kids I can remember a few specific times that she asked me why I was fat or remarked about my weight. Now when I say I was a kid I know I could not have been more than 11 or 12. So that has always left that mark that I was not good enough on me. Now she was very intellectual and might have thought that this question would start some sort of dialogue while I was riding in the car with her for hours because that is where she said it. When her and I and my grandmother were on a trip together. See when I was a kid my aunt and grandma were in the antique business and did mall antique shows. And there is nothing like being the grunt labor to help pack in and pack out the show and sit for untold hours in a mall somewhere you have never been before. The upside was an ice cream cone at some point in the afternoon when you thought your head was going to explode from boredom. Which meant only a few more hours to go. The best part was when my sisters and I would be there together and we would try on rings and bracelets from the jewelry case. And show off to each other what was our favorite. But only take out one thing at a time and keep those cases closed was usually what my aunt or grandmother would tell us.
So see I always thought her mean for saying things to me about being fat. Maybe that sounds harsh since she is not here to defend herself but I will do that as well because you know I try not to leave a negative light on anyone. Especially someone that is no longer around to defend herself and her words. See Jan passed away from cancer when she was my age over 20 years ago. Ovarian Cancer. Now for a woman to die at this age that I now think young but when I was 23 it was a lifetime away. I did not see many similarities. She had gone to college and travelled the world. She never married after college lived with her parents and I would have said before I opened this file cabinet that she really didn't have any friends. Now the antique business was not the only thing she did. She was a school teacher. Not an ordinary school teacher but she taught what was then called ELP. Enhanced Learning Program. This was something that she had us all tested for our IQ and my brother and I were in ELP together. It was one of those once a week programs got you out of regular class and learning some cool and different stuff. Learned to play chess which I have forgotten and how to write Haiku (which I just had to look up how to spell) but is a form of Japanese poetry that doesn't rhyme. No we did not have her for our teacher. It was enough that we would sometimes have our mom for a substitute PE (physical education) teacher. She also was the one that got my grandmother to invest in real estate which was very good for them. I will tell that story another night.
When I opened one drawer the first thing I saw was antique brochures and news paper articles. They also owned an antique shop on the beach in the building that they owned. She wrote a column for the Beach Views the beach newspaper. I opened the other drawer and there was travel information and letters and post cards from Monestaries. Hmm. I thought I know Jan had a friend that was a priest. I have emailed him a few times. He had sent my grandma a card with an email address and she had asked me to write him. So I did. Have not heard from him in years and not to long ago found the card with the email address on the desk. Of course a Christmas card with a scene of Mary on a donkey with Joseph in the night walking toward a manger. Not an important detail but one I remember anyway. Also papers she had written. So one day this week I decided in that spare time I have now between when Brian leaves for work and when I need to go I was going to pull out a folder or two and take a peek at what has been sitting here for more than 10 years. As for the travel she travelled the world. She went to the Galopogos Islands, China and Africa and Ireland. She also took 2 of my sisters and myself to Cumberland Island, Ga. A place I have written about before. A place I want to take my own nieces and nephew. Maybe this summer. Which made me think of how I feel about Jan and how they feel about me.
So as I read I found similarities between her and I. I know all you would be psycologists that was what you were expecting. She wrote about events in her life. Incidents. If she had had a computer she might have had a blog. She was religious. Now this I knew. More Churchy than me but as I read some things were similar. I have always thought myself faithful not really religious. But I found that she to took issue with the established church sometimes. As I looked at the newspaper clippings yes there was one about childhood obesity I would have expected nothing less. But she also had a picture of Phyliss Diller that had a quote basically saying don't give up on your dreams. Hmm. Again. Dreams. I would have not took her for a dreamer. She to me was a do'er. Always going somewhere doing something. But as I read her writing she seemed she must have had times to contemplate her life and it's meaning and purpose. And those letters well her and her friend the priest had been writing back and forth for 10 years. He had lived at different monestaries which is what most of the post cards were from. She must have shared her questions she had with her life's path. He assured her that God would lead the way. Her last trip she took was to Ireland where he was at that time. The other night I read what may have been the last letter he wrote her. She was in the hospital after surgery. He was assuring her that she had to keep the faith and God would see her through this. I don't think he used the word cancer. She would have. Because she was always very matter of fact. Which looking back at myself I used to be that way. I did not see the truth as cruel when I said it. Maybe that was how she looked at asking why I was fat.
My mom told me the other night that after she was sick my mom offered to travel with her back to Ireland but she declined. My mother knew that priest was important and so was Ireland. Of course we have Irish herritage. Supposedly one of our great-great-great grandfathers and grandmothers was from Ireland. They came over and lived in Louisville before the Civil War. That same great-great-great grandfather actually died in a Civil War battle in Perryville, Ky. Jan wrote a book about it. Another project to get it published or at least self publish to give copies to the nieces and nephews.
So where does this leave us. Out in the cold? No. The sun is up and Jan and I are not so different. Yes our paths very different. I feel like she lived a full life. I am sure she would not agree. But I am also childless 40 something trying to create a legacy for my sisters kids. Who like me at there age are not very interested. I write the words that one day they might find insight into their actions from mine. How family is family and sometimes like I have said before the thing you don't like about someone else is sometimes a reflection of yourself.
I may try to email the priest again. I wonder if he still has all the letters she wrote?
Since most of you have never been to our humble abode, we keep the computer in the front room of the house. It is surrounded by windows which I love but the real reason is it is just on the back side of the living room through an cutout that I think used to be the front window of the house. I like the light and I remember reading a long time ago that when you have kids in the house the best place for the computer was somewhere that everyone is. Not that we have kids but I always thought it was a good idea not to be sitting off in a room by yourself on this thing for hours at a time. So next to the desk I sit at is a small filing cabinet. One of the many possessions of my aunt's that I was "blessed with" as my mother likes to say.
My Aunt Jan. She was my mother's older and only sister. 3 years older than mom but in someways could not be more different. Same goes for the way I have always thought of her and I. Jan that is. Now for the differences she was tall and thin and had very short hair. Me not so much, not at all tall or thin and have always worn my hair longer but usually back in a pony tail which my sister tells me I should just cut it off if I am never going to where it down. But that is just how I like it.
So this was the rub. When we were kids I can remember a few specific times that she asked me why I was fat or remarked about my weight. Now when I say I was a kid I know I could not have been more than 11 or 12. So that has always left that mark that I was not good enough on me. Now she was very intellectual and might have thought that this question would start some sort of dialogue while I was riding in the car with her for hours because that is where she said it. When her and I and my grandmother were on a trip together. See when I was a kid my aunt and grandma were in the antique business and did mall antique shows. And there is nothing like being the grunt labor to help pack in and pack out the show and sit for untold hours in a mall somewhere you have never been before. The upside was an ice cream cone at some point in the afternoon when you thought your head was going to explode from boredom. Which meant only a few more hours to go. The best part was when my sisters and I would be there together and we would try on rings and bracelets from the jewelry case. And show off to each other what was our favorite. But only take out one thing at a time and keep those cases closed was usually what my aunt or grandmother would tell us.
So see I always thought her mean for saying things to me about being fat. Maybe that sounds harsh since she is not here to defend herself but I will do that as well because you know I try not to leave a negative light on anyone. Especially someone that is no longer around to defend herself and her words. See Jan passed away from cancer when she was my age over 20 years ago. Ovarian Cancer. Now for a woman to die at this age that I now think young but when I was 23 it was a lifetime away. I did not see many similarities. She had gone to college and travelled the world. She never married after college lived with her parents and I would have said before I opened this file cabinet that she really didn't have any friends. Now the antique business was not the only thing she did. She was a school teacher. Not an ordinary school teacher but she taught what was then called ELP. Enhanced Learning Program. This was something that she had us all tested for our IQ and my brother and I were in ELP together. It was one of those once a week programs got you out of regular class and learning some cool and different stuff. Learned to play chess which I have forgotten and how to write Haiku (which I just had to look up how to spell) but is a form of Japanese poetry that doesn't rhyme. No we did not have her for our teacher. It was enough that we would sometimes have our mom for a substitute PE (physical education) teacher. She also was the one that got my grandmother to invest in real estate which was very good for them. I will tell that story another night.
When I opened one drawer the first thing I saw was antique brochures and news paper articles. They also owned an antique shop on the beach in the building that they owned. She wrote a column for the Beach Views the beach newspaper. I opened the other drawer and there was travel information and letters and post cards from Monestaries. Hmm. I thought I know Jan had a friend that was a priest. I have emailed him a few times. He had sent my grandma a card with an email address and she had asked me to write him. So I did. Have not heard from him in years and not to long ago found the card with the email address on the desk. Of course a Christmas card with a scene of Mary on a donkey with Joseph in the night walking toward a manger. Not an important detail but one I remember anyway. Also papers she had written. So one day this week I decided in that spare time I have now between when Brian leaves for work and when I need to go I was going to pull out a folder or two and take a peek at what has been sitting here for more than 10 years. As for the travel she travelled the world. She went to the Galopogos Islands, China and Africa and Ireland. She also took 2 of my sisters and myself to Cumberland Island, Ga. A place I have written about before. A place I want to take my own nieces and nephew. Maybe this summer. Which made me think of how I feel about Jan and how they feel about me.
So as I read I found similarities between her and I. I know all you would be psycologists that was what you were expecting. She wrote about events in her life. Incidents. If she had had a computer she might have had a blog. She was religious. Now this I knew. More Churchy than me but as I read some things were similar. I have always thought myself faithful not really religious. But I found that she to took issue with the established church sometimes. As I looked at the newspaper clippings yes there was one about childhood obesity I would have expected nothing less. But she also had a picture of Phyliss Diller that had a quote basically saying don't give up on your dreams. Hmm. Again. Dreams. I would have not took her for a dreamer. She to me was a do'er. Always going somewhere doing something. But as I read her writing she seemed she must have had times to contemplate her life and it's meaning and purpose. And those letters well her and her friend the priest had been writing back and forth for 10 years. He had lived at different monestaries which is what most of the post cards were from. She must have shared her questions she had with her life's path. He assured her that God would lead the way. Her last trip she took was to Ireland where he was at that time. The other night I read what may have been the last letter he wrote her. She was in the hospital after surgery. He was assuring her that she had to keep the faith and God would see her through this. I don't think he used the word cancer. She would have. Because she was always very matter of fact. Which looking back at myself I used to be that way. I did not see the truth as cruel when I said it. Maybe that was how she looked at asking why I was fat.
My mom told me the other night that after she was sick my mom offered to travel with her back to Ireland but she declined. My mother knew that priest was important and so was Ireland. Of course we have Irish herritage. Supposedly one of our great-great-great grandfathers and grandmothers was from Ireland. They came over and lived in Louisville before the Civil War. That same great-great-great grandfather actually died in a Civil War battle in Perryville, Ky. Jan wrote a book about it. Another project to get it published or at least self publish to give copies to the nieces and nephews.
So where does this leave us. Out in the cold? No. The sun is up and Jan and I are not so different. Yes our paths very different. I feel like she lived a full life. I am sure she would not agree. But I am also childless 40 something trying to create a legacy for my sisters kids. Who like me at there age are not very interested. I write the words that one day they might find insight into their actions from mine. How family is family and sometimes like I have said before the thing you don't like about someone else is sometimes a reflection of yourself.
I may try to email the priest again. I wonder if he still has all the letters she wrote?
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