Silent Night

Yesterday I was reading online about a story telling event coming up and the theme was music. It said to come tell a true story about music in your life. A song from when you were young that you loved or one you couldn't stand. It said no notes or props and you have 5 minutes to tell the whole story with a beginning a middle and an end.

Well being that Christmas has barely passed by and our tree is still up I thought of Silent Night.
Now anyone that knows me knows that Silent Night makes me cry. Just the thought of the words will bring me to tears. And I thought of all of the things in my life that have brought me to this point. I was trying to think of where to begin.

Do I start when I was young and how my mother loved Christmas? So many gifts, and that she would put up two Christmas trees in our living room one with traditional decorations and one with decorations we had made. She would save the ones we made from year to year and decorate with them. But it always seemed as we were decorating you know five kids and a couple parents and next thing you know there would be an argument over something and someone was getting in trouble and someone was going to their room. Well fast forward a few years and I just learned to avoid that whole experience and would not be around when it came time to decorate the tree. If your not there you can't get in trouble.

Dad who didn't have a long fuse or a lot of patience for the holidays,  I remember him saying he didn't always know how to act because he didn't have a father while growing up. I was a little older when I heard of how he lost his father at Christmas.

Lets flash back about 40 years to 1950 my father he is about 7 years old and the tree is decorated and the house is all ready for Christmas and his father passed away on Christmas Eve. Well for those of you who didn't know back then in Ohio where my dad lived people didn't get laid out at a funeral home they were laid out in their own home. So there it is Christmas morning my dad and his two brothers and two sisters having Christmas with their dad laid out in a casket in their living room.
My uncle the youngest in their family recently told me that he didn't remember that Christmas he was only two but that his sisters had told him that he played with a car he got for Christmas along by his father that day.

We have gone from the 1970's to the 1950's and now to 1990 my grandmother, my dad's mom passed away on December 20. My grandmother loved Christmas. She always had a beautiful tree and it was the same every year and when I was a kid of my dad's brothers and sisters there was a time when we all lived within a mile of my grandma. That was 15 of 16 cousins most of which were young children at the time. We would all go to grandma's house on Christmas. She had a little chalk board by the front door and we would sign in when we got there. She would always take a picture of our names all crammed together. By 1990 however we weren't all as close in proximity and weren't all going to be able to go to grandma's for Christmas. But there we all were on Christmas eve at mass for my grandmother's funeral. Then back to her house for the wake. And the picture I have posted before that the whole family is in except for me. I went back to work.

I know I thought what a tragedy Christmas is for this family and how sad that is just to think such a thought.

So another 10 years have passed and I am now an adult and have found my way around the sadness that comes with Christmas. I have found that if I decorate the tree alone that there is no arguing. I just found as I got older my fuse got short around the tree and it was easier for me to just do that part alone.

2004 Christmas eve and there I am sitting in the same Church that we had my grandma's funeral all those years ago. Me and my youngest sister and her husband and her beautiful little baby boy. And that is the day that I remember for the first time that when the song Silent Night started to play and the words just rang in my heart. That little boy laying in his carrier next to me who when he breathed it sounded like a giggle. That little flap in his throat didn't close all the way and you would hear hee-eee, hee-eee.

By this time I have reached beyond the years that I would ever have a child of my own and this little baby was about the most beautiful thing in the whole world and all of my life and this reality all mixed together and when I heard the words, "Holy infant so tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace." I just started to cry. Still to this day I see the image in my head. Him in his little green onsie with a Christmas tree on the front.

Another 12 years later and I am sitting with my mom on Christmas Eve. She is bedridden after her second stroke and I am spending the evening wrapping presents and we are watching old home movies and I know in my heart this will probably be our last Christmas together and please God don't take her on Christmas.

But my mother the most stubborn person I know, knew that wasn't the way the story was going to end. We had our Christmas, just like in the past. The five of us all were together with her we shared gifts and stories and watched those home movies and there next to the fire place was that same tree.
That tree we decorated as kids. Now itself over 40 years old, with an ornament hanging on it that said Happy 40th Birthday from 2009.

So we have come to the end. This Christmas it was not the same. Now my mom is gone. But we went to church on Christmas Eve with my youngest sister and her husband and that little baby boy who is now 12 years old. There he was sitting across from me and when I heard the music start and I looked at his face and I heard hee-eee, hee-eee in my head and those words "Holy infant so tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace.

I don't know if that is the kind of story they are looking for but that is the story that came to me.

Badges Earned

I started this blog on Nov 15th and couldn't finish that day so today I will try to finish off what I was thinking.

I always say that I think about things too much. Well the last couple days my thoughts have been on a year ago. A year ago today that day the phone rang before 8 AM and it was my brother. He just put mom in an ambulance. The paramedics weren't sure if she had a stroke or was it something else. So the day began. I was thinking this morning how a girl scout gets a badge for successfully completing a project or task. Well that was the day I got the badge for sitting in the emergency room with my mom alone trying to make decisions I didn't think I would ever have to make. I also got the badge for handing off the responsibility to my sisters while I went to work badge. And I got the badge for the first day of the next 90 days badge.

I know I have said plenty of times that my mom was stubborn and hard headed or as my nephew liked to say she was bull headed. The next few days were very difficult we were told she couldn't safely swallow anything solid or liquid then the doctors told us if we sat with her it was our responsibility so she ate. She gained strength but they never gave us hope. Mom did though. We all did our part. Took turns. That would be the care giving badge which we found has multiple levels. There is the sit with a sick person badge. There is the bring food to the one sitting with the sick badge and the know when it is time to walk away badge. So you can see in just the few days she spent in the hospital my brother and sisters and I have already raked in multiple badges.

I read what I write and the memories come flooding back and some may think then why do you read them. I read them to remember. To remember that we did what we did because that was what mom expected us to do and that we did in respect and honor to her.

Today is now December 20th and last year I was getting the badge to be brave enough to go to Alaska and enjoy my nephew's wedding and see snow for the first time and enjoy the company of friends and family and experience all kinds of new and different things and know that your brother and sisters will take good care of mom until you return home badge.

Over the next few weeks there were more badges to earn for all of us. We each bared the burden and stepped up where we probably didn't think we would ever have to step up before. Of course Christmas was not the same as years past and this year will be different again but we are all learning new responsibilities and mom would be happy that we are all going to get together and that was the most important thing to her. Presents weren't important. It was having her kids and grand kids and anyone else who had no where to be should experience Christmas at mom's house. Most people the first time was a sense of awe. Absolute amazement that my mom she always bought gifts all year and they may have been thrift store, garage sale gifts but she tried to find things that you liked. For me it was always cats and geese. My brother it was always something beer or bottle opener. But there was always something that could be given to the surprise guest that showed up, a can of peanuts or box of candy. Mom always wanted everyone to have something, even if she had nothing.

Sometimes I remember how hard we had it at times and yet she always figured out ways to get us what we needed. And if it meant her doing without that wasn't even a question. In these last few months I have sorted through papers. So many papers. I know some would have just tossed it all but in the process I found an envelope that I had written a note on and left for mom to find in her car. It said,  Have a good trip, do something for yourself. I remembered I had put money in the envelope for her because she never would have taken it from me. I was about 18 years old at the time.

So I have lost track of my badges I have earned but along with each was a lesson. I remember the year my Grandma Helen passed away. She died 26 years ago today. One of my sisters said after my dad had to pay over $600 to fly her home for Grandma's funeral, "all grandma would have wanted was for all of us to be together for Christmas." Well we were. We had her funeral on Christmas Eve. There was not a more appropriate day than that for my Grandmother. I can see her as an usher at church with her white coat on and her Christmas tree pin, which I am now the proud owner of and will wear today for Grandma.

I am the only one not in the picture. I left after the funeral and went back to work. This was taken in front of her house only a few blocks away from where we lived. I see the faces of my cousins and aunts and uncle and right there in front mom. This wasn't her mom. It was my dad's mom and the divorce was still new but my mom knew it was the right thing to do.

Me not being there was a mistake on my part but I have always felt an obligation to the place I work and always had a very strong work ethic which I learned from my father and mother and my Grandmother.
So as these last few weeks pass up until next month when it will be a year since mom passed. I will continue to earn badges for things I thought I would never do, like move my brother into his own house and finish emptying out mom's house. I am also learning to live without her even though I speak of her a lot and probably think of her more. I am learning to decide which things that she loved that I love and how to let go of some of the others. That is a hard badge for me. Letting go badge.

I know this may not seem like the joyous Christmas message you thought but it is a message of giving selflessly as mom did and accept the gifts given because they were chosen with love. And enjoy the time you have with family. You don't know what the next holiday may bring.

Merry Christmas and to all of my angels Mom, Grandma Helen, Grandma and Grandfather Yearout, Aunt Jan, Aunt Mary Jane, Uncle Chuck. I know you will all be enjoying this Christmas together.

Sharing something personal

I am not sure how to start. Sometimes I realize things I deal with in my head I don't always deal with out with the rest of the world. Today one of those items came up.  As a 20 something I had yet to find the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and when I married at 31 I thought now is the time. Brian and I had been together for 5 years at that point and it was time we have a family of our own. Well surprise, surprise, surprise. It doesn't actually work that way. Of course not. Now I know some people put the kid before the marriage, or maybe the kid didn't come from the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with, or you came along after the kid and you welcome that child as though they were your own. I know people that fall into all of these situations. They all ended up with something I did not. A family of my own.

Yes, I know Brian has always been mine to raise. And yes, I have always had plenty of other people relying on me to take care of them. But you know whenever I hear the good news that someone is going to have a baby it has almost always been a bitter sweet moment for me. I really am happy for you and your new bundle of joy. But there is a part of me that is so sad that it is hard for me to put into words. I have a tendency to say something that is taken wrong and well then no one is happy with me. 

When my oldest niece was born I learned to crochet so that I could make a baby afghan for her. She was born just a few years after my Grandma Helen had passed away and grandma had always crocheted. She was literally crocheting when she passed away. My youngest sister has the afghan she was working on and until riddled with termites I had the chair that she crocheted in. Grandma after making afghans for her sixteen grandchildren then her children she made them for preemie babies at the hospital along with booties and hats. A friend of mine taught me to crochet a trick in itself, because I am left-handed and for a rightie to teach me I had to learn by facing her so it was like learning through a mirror. That started a life long tradition of me making afghans for everyone I know that has a baby or a grand baby. 

I have had a few opportunities to be included more than your average in the process for some friends. I had a friend that had two kids before getting remarried about the same time Brian and I got married. She got pregnant and she had some unusual complications along the way but she and I talked on the phone while she was having contractions early and bored in the hospital. Her daughter is going to graduate from high school this year. What a beauty. I did not see that little girl often but I was always the one who would play Barbie with her or whatever else she wanted to do. Soccer games and all.  As she got older she was less excited to see me show up but to this day I want to spend time with her when I am at their house. 

When two of my sisters were pregnant we spent time together preparing the babies room. We shopped for materials and cut and sewed curtains and bed bumpers and sheets and blankets in whatever color they desired. Those were some really fun memories. Winnie the Pooh and Flower power and even sports for my nephew. 

But each time someone would tell me they were with child again I step back and reflect on all the experiences I never had. I know there are plenty of parents that would love the freedom I have and to them their hum drum daily grind are the magic I regret not having. 

I have come across a few women that for one reason or another like I never had children of their own. Both of these women I would say are two of the most successful women that I know. I know I have gone to both of them in tears and they have shared similar feelings. And I am sure that my melancholy personality doesn't help with the sadness. Both these women I respect so much. One I can tell you has always treated her nieces as though they were as good as her own. And I have always tried to do the same with my nieces and nephews. I would want them to know they could always come to me. 

I love being their aunt. It is definitely a job I was cut out for. The last couple years I have taken the younger ones on short little trips trying to expose them to things they may not have had a chance to do with their parents. A little nature, a little history and definitely a little fun. But as the kids get older they to will slip away. My oldest nephew will be 30 this year. How can that be? But he has grown into a great adult just like his sister. Everyone finds their own way in life and these kids are now adults and finding their own. But as they slip away into their own lives I am reminded again that my life didn't work out the way I expected. I always counted on having kids that was going to be the thing that was going to get me to lose weight chasing around kids. Well now I just get tired trying to keep up with my nieces and nephew.  I have nieces and a nephew on Brian's side of the family as well and they are now all adults and don't get to see them often but they are also finding their own way for their own lives. 

As I get older so do my friends. Now my friend's kids are getting married or starting families of their own. And now my friends are becoming grandmothers and  again I am reminded of my down falls. I still make afghan blankets for these peoples children and yet when I go to the baby shower. It is hard for me. When the baby comes I am happy for you and proud of you as you find your way to raise your own child but know that my tears are not disappointment but pure sadness for myself. 

I am looking forward to being the best aunt ever for the rest of my life and for multiple generations.

So if you are fortunate enough to be my niece or nephew. Whether I see you regularly or not please know that I am always here for you. And would do anything I can to help you. All you have to do is ask. I love each and every one of you if I don't get to see you or talk to you all the time. Know right now I am thinking of you.