Moving on

I don't know where to start today. I thought I had something to say but I really have just a lot of nothing rolling around inside my head tonight. Do I talk about time passing and getting on or falling behind or never moving on at all. Projects that have been set aside or Christmas decorations never put out and just put back up where they belong today. Today, April 27. Doesn't that seem ridiculous in 4 months we could not find 30 minutes to put away decorations we did not use last year.  It always seems like there is either something else going on or someone else I am trying to help. But really no excuse.

I had updated our virus software on the computer in November and it did not install correct. I have ignored it until last week. It took about 20 minutes and I had it fixed. I just could not figure it out? Couldn't be bothered? Why have I put these simple tasks off? I couldn't even begin to answer.

I cleaned my house for the first time in a year just 2 weeks ago. Not that I haven't washed dishes or taken out the garbage or done laundry but for the most part since our nieces left last summer, it has been it is what it is. If I don't need it don't worry about it. But a reporter from Arizona came to talk to us and Hugo about how this last year has been. I thought after the interview I would have something to share. I don't. I have mostly worried that what was said that day would be misconstrued or misunderstood not by you the average reader but by Brittany and the rest of the family.

Not that I think I said something wrong but sometimes I feel bad that I put my feelings out for others to read as though my feelings are important. Who am I. It was not my sister. I can not begin to imagine. It was not my mother. I speak to mine every night on my way home from work. Similar to Lisa, who also talked to her mom everyday. And I worry about my mom's health and that one day I will not be able to make that call. Which reminds me of a story about Kody.

When Kody (our dog of 14 years) was still alive he would always get the last bite of food I had, from whatever meal I was eating. As he got older I would tell him. One day I am going to cry that I get to eat my last bite of food. Kody has been gone now for 4 years and we now have Princess who has picked right up where Kody left off but the six months in between. I would leave that last bite and think of Kody. And yes I would cry.

I can go on and on about things that I have not done in the last year but in the last few weeks have finally made my self take care of. There are still a lot more things that need to be done but I feel like I am getting somewhere. Brian cut the grass yesterday and the yard looks good but could also use some help so hopefully over the next few weeks I can get after some of that.

Now as for the last few weeks we have found out that one of the girls that used to work with Brian passed away, a friend of mine from work lost her daughter and my nephew lost the Behavioral Specialist from his school that would talk to him everyday and the Pastor at church lost her mom.  I feel so sad for all of them.

Which makes me think about mortality and my life and those around me and that I can not stand the thought of being without the people I am closest to and I worry about the thought of Brian having to be without me. These are the thoughts that make me cry tonight. I know you have to move on as they say but some days I just don't know how.

We are planning a trip to Alaska this summer while Brian's brother is still there. Planning isn't the right word. I have scheduled the time off but have no idea about anything else and it is only weeks away. Usually I would have a list of things that need to be done before and who will take care of what while we are gone but I just don't. I have read some about Alaska and I know there are things I want to do but I don't have a schedule or itinerary. See glaciers and eagles. Visit Denali, maybe see the pipeline and take lots of pictures of animals and the vast emptiness. If you can not get motivated for a trip of a life time like this what can you.

Well Miss Brittany is turning 21 and at the end of our trip and if all goes well we will be meeting up in Las Vegas to celebrate her birthday with her. This makes me smile. This is something that we talked about last summer that her and her mom had planned to do and I wanted to make sure that it was seen through along with her dad and Brian.

So one step at a time I am trying to not worry about what I can not control and take care of what I can today and leave the rest for tomorrow. Smile when things go right and for right now cry when they don't.

It is not a year later but 365 days one at a time that has been tough for a lot of people in a lot of ways.

So, Peace Lilly, Amber, Lisa and Jim and Peace for all of you.

Goodnight.

A bit of Sunshine

I want to start with even though this is a bit of sunshine. Today I was also told that a friend lost her daughter after being hit by a car while crossing a road.  I know no amount of sunshine will stop the rain for you right now. But that shock and anger will give way to healing and pleasant memories that will remain with you to be shared forever. You are in our thoughts and prayes.

Tonight I went to dinner with Brian and my friend Tracy and her family. We ate at Capogna's Dugout. If you do not live in Clearwater it is not too far from the high school and it was the place to be seen on a Friday night after a football game in the 1980's and probably still is today.

We were sitting at a table near the wall and a few men walked over and were looking at pictures on the wall. I had my back to the wall so all I saw was 1981. And one of the men pointed at the picture and said, "There I am." I looked at him and said, "Well 1981 you must remember Hassan Jones and he said "I do and this is him," As he points to one of the other men standing near by. I reminisced about being a freshman and him being the man on our football team. He then played at Florida State University and went on to play for the Minnesota Vikings. Brian was so proud. His wife knowing so many stats on this guy. If you would have asked me to name two players I knew on the football team when I was in school he would be one of the two. We talked for a few minutes while they looked over Hassan's high school jersey framed on the wall and other pictures of players from that year.

Tracy was surprised by my High School Football knowledge as well. Funny thing other than his name and where he played football I didn't know anything else. So here are some of his football stats.

While at Clearwater High he was chosen to the Parade All American High School Football list.
Played for Florida State 1982-1986 caught 17 touchdowns and was #7 in receiving touchdowns in 1985 and #6 for total receiving yards in 1985.
5th round draft pick in 1986 by Minnesota Vikings out of Florida State.
Played for the Minnesota Vikings from 1986-1992 over 3800 career receiving yards and scored 24 touchdowns.

Just to be fair he has had some problems along the way which the internet makes it easy enough to find out but I hope him and his friends had a good dinner and enjoyed the walk down memory lane as much as I did.

 Afterwards I thought how funny that it made me smile making him smile because some lady in some restaurant remembers who he is or it made me smile remembering all the great fun I had in Band during all the football games with so many good friends.

The News

I have said many times since I started writing my blogs that we do not watch the news anymore. I have wondered through the last year and thought I might be missing out on what is going on in the world but every time I turn on the TV or I am somewhere where there is a TV on I find that I am not missing out on anything good. So now I must seem like some sort of hermit to the rest of the world. Not knowing what is going on. But that reminds me of a tour guide we had in Yellowstone, he told us that he lived in Yellowstone year round and that they do not get any TV reception and if it is not on the top half of the USA Today he does not know it happens. That was his daily news to stop and read the headline through the window on the Newspaper box. Well I now think this would be bliss.

Well today I went to eat at one of my favorite places for a late breakfast. Taking a couple mental health days alone. Just been getting a little to close to the edge lately and feel like I am on the brink. The anxiety and the tears are right there and I really can't explain why.

Just like a lot of places there is a TV on. It is on CNN. Nothing against CNN but is there never a good story to tell anymore. So my brunch included The memorial service for the bombing victims in Boston and a Sink Hole in Chicago that swallowed 3 cars with video footage of one of the cars falling into the hole and for the icing on the cake a Fertilizer Plant in Texas blew up. This was all in about 30 minutes.

All of these things I would not have to know if I wouldn't have looked. But with the TV on I guess I get the feeling if I'm not paying attention I will miss something. Or maybe just hoping some good will shine through at the end. Well I would be ok with not knowing. The image of a man who was clearly in the Fertilizer Plant during the explosion with cuts and blood splattered on his face must make for excellent ratings but makes for a terrible partner for a meal. I was trying to think back to when this obsession started. I guess the first Gulf War. So much could be watched live on TV 24 hours a day with only breaks for commercials and if it is just to terrible to break away for a commercial we will run them side by side like a Nascar race or keep the Crawl scrolling across the bottom of the screen. Why have we become a people obsessed with knowing everything terrible right away.

I usually get my news at work and that is where I was when the bombs went off in Boston. This is a subject I was not going to write about. I don't know why. But I wasn't going to. But I feel like as I wrote in December in What have we become? again another group of Americans are again going to start the process. The Grief. The Anger. The Pain. Hopefully the Healing.

Those viewers who soak up the news and feed off knowing everything. I just wonder if the people doing these horrible things are doing them for you. Not personally but to have their 15 minutes to be on TV. Or do these people committing the crimes just want to show how smart they are. By watching the play by play the of the police trying to solve the crime. Is the news their own Law and Order, Criminal Minds or CSI? See if they see them self on TV. I know these are pretty sick images of Human Beings but how or why else. The only word for me is Terror. The excitement of knowing others are running scared and the person committing the crime feeds from it. This is why I was not going to write about the bombing. It paints a bleak picture. And my words are painting images that no artist would put brush to paper to create.

So here we are for the I don't know how many times I am going to plead that the people hurt heal both mentally and physically. And again for those obsessed with knowing  I said it best in December "I think the best we could collectively do as a people is turn off the damn tv for the next week and let their advertising dollars go straight to hell", that continue to show the pain and suffering of others. The people showing these images do not know the effect it has on some. And would make a story of the suffering if they could make a buck.

I am sure there is no Beautiful World Channel because who would watch, but I know it is getting to the point that I would not be the only viewer. I love to watch Aerial America on Smithsonian and there used to be a show on called Sunrise and it was that first hour in the morning as the sun rose over some place any place. I saw ones that were from Tibet and Maine and the Everglades. The Sunrise showed the natural sounds of the morning Frogs and Birds letting each other know it is time to start another busy day. There was another show that showed different places from a Hot Air balloon. These shows are full of beauty, architecture, culture and history.

I will end with a happy image. How about a show of elementary school kids getting off the bus the last day of school in the summer full of anticipation and excitement for the summer ahead. Showing off their awards for perfect attendance or a prized picture made for their mom to mark the end of another great school year and a beginning of a fun and adventurous summer. Now that must bring back some memories and make you smile. It does me and there they are the tears again...

Grief

Cbarlie Brown says it best Good Grief.

Leading up to this interview tomorrow, scratch that today. It is 1:30 AM and here I am. My head spinning and I am wide awake.

I was thinking how has this LOSS changed us over the last year. Well as for me. I have Grieved. Now since I have been through this before like anyone who has had a loss. I think the magnitude and the way that this has happened has made this different.

In reading the steps of Grieving it says how you accept the loss of your loved one. Well, How 'bout loved 3. So is that 3 times the grief. 3 times the Anger, 3 times the Guilt, 3 times the Depression, 3 times we will start to recover and 3 times we will start working through this and 3 times we will start to feel the Acceptance.

I have spoke in my blog of Lisa and Amber both I knew. Even though we lived apart what I did not know  personally I learned a lot from Brian. He has told me stories about Lisa and their brother when they were kids and he has told me of times with Lisa and Hugo. Here is a great story he told me of a trip he took with Lisa and Hugo when Amber was a toddler. They were crossing from Texas into Mexico and Amber had a potty chair along for the ride. Well she used it right before they got to the border and the officers thought that by Lisa spraying perfume in the car to cover the odor of the potty chair that they were possibly covering up something else. Well this little event earned Amber the nick name Poo-poo head. Uncle Brian would talk to her on the phone and ask how his little poo-poo head was. Or is that you poo-poo head. She would kill me for telling that story in public as an adult but then again maybe not. Just another memory to share.

But I have stayed away from Lilly. Lilly is a whole nother ball of wax. I did not know her. I did not ever get to hold her or talk to her. I can not even try to list all the things that I will never get to do with her. If you think that kind of sadness can be accepted away. Forget it.

I never knew Jim. I am glad to see the pictures of him with Amber and Lilly they are all smiles. So I am glad they had him. Sorry he was there that day. Sorry any of them were.

I learned when Kody (our dog of 14 years) died the steps in the Grief process and I learned that they do not have to come in order. Because life is usually not that clean cut and straight forward.

I have seen the progress over this last year. I was reading over my blogs and there are certain ones I read a lot. It is as therapeutic as talking to myself to read the words I have written. So some of the steps I could even put a date on when I experienced them.

February 6, 2013 I felt Acceptance and Hope.
December 12, 2012 I felt Depression and Reflection.
November 17, 2012 I was feeling it all Anger, Denial, Depression and Acceptance.

So for however far we have all come I feel like I have a ways to go in this process. I am hoping by next year some of the things I have not yet shared will be shared and will help me move past them. Some things I will never share with the class. Some things I have to share. Like when I shared the story of the day of their Viewing. I have shared to try to forget but as with the night I wrote after the Sandy Hook Shooting. It bothered me more to think I put the words down for people to read that might upset others grieving as well. So I removed parts of that blog.

The point of this exercise has been from the beginning to help myself heal. Hurting others will never do that. Sharing things others do not know will not help either. I will stop here because this is where I will pick up next time.

Now that I have spent my 5 cents and spilled my guts to Lucy I hope to be able to go to sleep. Tomorrow scratch that today it is now 2:27AM will be busy.

Good night.

A Year Later

So the feelings are out. Some are more easily defined now looking back then at the time. GRIEF is a funny thing. Shock trys to protect your brain from absorbing everything at once yet as it sinks in you can see all the layers and feelings that are there.

Even though rehashing this is not going to bring anyone back. I hope it will help someone see the signs so the first thing I am going to talk about is DENIAL. Lisa called me once and talked about breaking up with him. Once. That was my opportunity. She wanted me to come to Arizona so she could get him to move out. I told her she could do it. She never said why she couldn't. I should have pressed more. Could have asked more questions. But I didn't.

Which brings you to the GUILT. I don't live there never met him didn't even know his name but I feel guilt. Lisa said she wanted to break up with him. Get him to leave. Why didn't I go. I was unemployed. I thought she is a grown woman why can't she handle this by herself. Now I know.

If it is not the guilt it is BLAME, Why didn't someone there help more. Why didn't they see the signs. WHY. Since I don't want to break my own rule about mentioning others in less than a perfect light. I will not mention anymore about blame. But I feel it. And I feel guilty for blaming someone else for something like this.

On a positive note I can now say THANKS. THANKS to the counselors at the Gilbert Police Department that spoke to us. The Chaplain that brought us food. The Air Force Chaplains that came to the funeral in support of their brother in arms who did the impossible and Celebrated the life of his sister, niece and great niece.  The first responders who's lives were also changed by this horrible event.
And the Hospice and other Counselors, Pastors and friends that have helped after we all returned home. I hope you all know how import it is that you were there that day and the days have followed. At the funeral the undercover police officers and those in uniform that kept us safe.

Brian and his family we are all closer. I love that we got to spend time with Brittany this past summer and have been able to spend days with her since. I love that we got to have her and her cousins with us for a few weeks last summer.

Brian is right. If we help just one girl get the courage to get up and leave a bad situation without getting hurt anymore. Or if this saves a child from being beaten we have done a great service to the world and that family and should be worth the cost we have already paid.

So again if you know anyone in a situation that you are not sure about. Ask the questions. Offer assistance but do not put yourself in danger. Be Safe.

Wounds reopened

Well after 11 months of trying to heal I feel like I just ripped the band-aid off the one of the worst cuts ever and it hurts like hell.

I just had a thought at the beginning of April that next month will be a year since this bout with Hell started for us. That same day Brian received a call from a reporter that wanted to do a story to see how we are doing a year later.

These are not the memories that I wanted to dredge up or share more than I already have but we have agreed.

So in this last week we have again not slept. I have felt sad and helpless and useless when it comes to this situation.

At first I thought this would be a good way to open up the lines of communication. Remind people their struggles do not have to end like Lisa's. That there is help.

But then I think I would do anything for anyone yet I didn't think I needed to do something for her. This really hurts.

I do want to help others but the price I pay in my own pain is not good. I do not want to fall back to a place where I can not pull myself back out.

As I review my own blogs I read them as though I am just writing them and the emotions are fresh again.

So I have decided over the next few weeks I am going to take a look at some of the feelings and tie them back to blogs I have written this year. As I do if something seems to hit you as important or reminds you of a friend that you thought is ok but may not be. Pass on the information. Share it on Facebook or send a text but let them know that there is help. That is the key and I don't care if they have to call me direct to find out they are worth it and their life is important. No one should be tortured or threatened.

To end today 7 signs to look for in domestic violence.(Pass them on and do not tolerate them.)

1. Jealousy that goes too far. (If you can not see or talk to a friend.)
2. Using violence or the threat of violence to control you.
3. Abusing animals.
4. Throwing things and punching the wall.
5. A child of domestic violence believes that these are normal behaviors.
6. Access to weapons.
7. Drug and Alcohol abuse as an excuse for the violent behavior. (It may be two separate problems but they are tied together.)