Moving on

I don't know where to start today. I thought I had something to say but I really have just a lot of nothing rolling around inside my head tonight. Do I talk about time passing and getting on or falling behind or never moving on at all. Projects that have been set aside or Christmas decorations never put out and just put back up where they belong today. Today, April 27. Doesn't that seem ridiculous in 4 months we could not find 30 minutes to put away decorations we did not use last year.  It always seems like there is either something else going on or someone else I am trying to help. But really no excuse.

I had updated our virus software on the computer in November and it did not install correct. I have ignored it until last week. It took about 20 minutes and I had it fixed. I just could not figure it out? Couldn't be bothered? Why have I put these simple tasks off? I couldn't even begin to answer.

I cleaned my house for the first time in a year just 2 weeks ago. Not that I haven't washed dishes or taken out the garbage or done laundry but for the most part since our nieces left last summer, it has been it is what it is. If I don't need it don't worry about it. But a reporter from Arizona came to talk to us and Hugo about how this last year has been. I thought after the interview I would have something to share. I don't. I have mostly worried that what was said that day would be misconstrued or misunderstood not by you the average reader but by Brittany and the rest of the family.

Not that I think I said something wrong but sometimes I feel bad that I put my feelings out for others to read as though my feelings are important. Who am I. It was not my sister. I can not begin to imagine. It was not my mother. I speak to mine every night on my way home from work. Similar to Lisa, who also talked to her mom everyday. And I worry about my mom's health and that one day I will not be able to make that call. Which reminds me of a story about Kody.

When Kody (our dog of 14 years) was still alive he would always get the last bite of food I had, from whatever meal I was eating. As he got older I would tell him. One day I am going to cry that I get to eat my last bite of food. Kody has been gone now for 4 years and we now have Princess who has picked right up where Kody left off but the six months in between. I would leave that last bite and think of Kody. And yes I would cry.

I can go on and on about things that I have not done in the last year but in the last few weeks have finally made my self take care of. There are still a lot more things that need to be done but I feel like I am getting somewhere. Brian cut the grass yesterday and the yard looks good but could also use some help so hopefully over the next few weeks I can get after some of that.

Now as for the last few weeks we have found out that one of the girls that used to work with Brian passed away, a friend of mine from work lost her daughter and my nephew lost the Behavioral Specialist from his school that would talk to him everyday and the Pastor at church lost her mom.  I feel so sad for all of them.

Which makes me think about mortality and my life and those around me and that I can not stand the thought of being without the people I am closest to and I worry about the thought of Brian having to be without me. These are the thoughts that make me cry tonight. I know you have to move on as they say but some days I just don't know how.

We are planning a trip to Alaska this summer while Brian's brother is still there. Planning isn't the right word. I have scheduled the time off but have no idea about anything else and it is only weeks away. Usually I would have a list of things that need to be done before and who will take care of what while we are gone but I just don't. I have read some about Alaska and I know there are things I want to do but I don't have a schedule or itinerary. See glaciers and eagles. Visit Denali, maybe see the pipeline and take lots of pictures of animals and the vast emptiness. If you can not get motivated for a trip of a life time like this what can you.

Well Miss Brittany is turning 21 and at the end of our trip and if all goes well we will be meeting up in Las Vegas to celebrate her birthday with her. This makes me smile. This is something that we talked about last summer that her and her mom had planned to do and I wanted to make sure that it was seen through along with her dad and Brian.

So one step at a time I am trying to not worry about what I can not control and take care of what I can today and leave the rest for tomorrow. Smile when things go right and for right now cry when they don't.

It is not a year later but 365 days one at a time that has been tough for a lot of people in a lot of ways.

So, Peace Lilly, Amber, Lisa and Jim and Peace for all of you.

Goodnight.