Dog Gone Good Memories

So it has been two years since I started writing this blog and I thought tonight I would write about my blog and how things have changed over the last two years or how they are all still the same, but I haven't posted anything since June. Why you ask? It is not that I haven't started to write. One night I started about Fate and one night about some movies I had watched and one night about some old demons. But I have finished none.  Posted none. Sometimes I don't have time or energy, sometimes I do not feel it and really tonight is no different. I am exhausted I have worked day and nignt for the last week. We are learning a new software at work and it has been busy. And we have a few more weeks til we change over to the new software and I hope I get it.  But on a plus my one day off I got to spend with Brian and my next day off we are off together to. That has not been the norm. Our last day off together was on vacation in June. Ironic. June was my last post. June I was in the hospital.

Now it is September and I am not sure where the summer went. I know my sisters went on vacation because we watched their dogs. Felt like all I did all summer was watching someone elses dog. And now September and I am just sick over my brother's dog. Don't talk about Al much. He is just a year younger than me. We are both left handed and our birthdays are just 13 days apart. Well I am a year and 13 days older than him. As kids we shared a room, we shared our birthday. There are times where we are the same and times when we are different. I called him tonight to see how he is doing. He said ok. He said he knows where things our heading. See not much on talking. But we are together. And I did not want him to believe for a minute that he was alone. If he needs me I am here. And would be there in a second to help him however I could.

When I talk to mom each night she tells me how Radar is doing but she doesn't mention Al. This thing with us. Not very touchy feely family well. Not at all really. My friends that have been around awhile are laughing. Loudly. Someone at work the other day was talking about the being a hugger and said they totally had me pegged for one and I laughed. I have gotten better with age but it is hard to change after a whole life of not. But my heart is breaking for Radar. Radar is Al's dog.

Since I always say. I didn't know what I was going to write about. Just so you know. Now is the time that I thought of the title for this blog and know what it it is about. I know you are thinking but Jeanne really you are three paragraphs in and at the beginning of the second paragraph I knew where you were going. See. Guess you all are just quicker than me.

Radar didn't start out as Al's dog. See my first memory of Radar is in my sister Tori's pool. Sitting on the bench on the side just chillin' by himself. I thought that is the craziest dog. Well Radar did not even start out as her dog. I don't know where his life started but he ended up with my sister because her husband loves to save animals. Now again, I would not put Tim in the category of touchy feely person but he is definately an animal person.  He may be the one who saves the dog but he can not keep them all. I remember my niece was just about 6 or 7 when Tim first saved Radar. She is now 21. But when they sold their house and were moving into a smaller place while the new house was being built they thought Al would love to have a dog. Not at first but you can not love this dog.

Now another thing about me I do not like to be late. I am a lot afraid of change so this stuff at work changing scares me. But Al. Al is neurotic about a schedule. He gets up promptly at 4:30 in the morning so he can get ready for work and have time to spend with Radar in the morning before work. He walks him around the park out in front of mom's house. Up until this week that was the walk they have taken 4 times a day for more than 10 years. Rain or shine. Radar likes the wind blowing his ears back. Since he likes the pool he is clearly not afraid of a little rain.

 There are a few specific memories I have stored of Radar.  First memory is the walk. As you are pulling up or leaving my mom's house you will see Al and Radar walking. Al carrying the leash and Radar walking at his side. You just see their backs walking down the street. Seem's harmless but that is going to make me cry. The other is from a photograph of Radar in the pool a 130lb yellow lab with a childs intertube around his neck and he is sitting on the seat on the far side of the pool. Radar and I have one thing in common. When the kids are in the pool we stay to the far side and try to keep our head from getting wet. Don't care if my hair gets wet, just do not like to get splashed in the face.

Everybody has a pet name for Radar, bad dog, the best dog, wiggle butt. Wiggle butt is Al's. Radar only has a stub of a tail and long floppy ears. Previous owner's choice. But that little tail shakes his whole body when he see's Al come home. He knows at 3:20 the sound of Al's car backing in the drive way is just seconds away. And before you can hear the muffler of his old Camero Radar is up and in position at the back door waiting. The last couple years mom has been bringing Radar in the house during the day for company after they go for their walk at noon. Now the afternoon ritual is not over. Al works outside and the second thing he does is go for a swim now this to was Radar's thing. Everyday. Swim in the pool. Lay on the patio until Al is ready to go in and dry off. Then in for the night except one last walk before bed promptly at 10.

Another thing with me. See I don't wait for someone to pass away to mourn. I do it first. I am so sad that the things I have will no longer be there. I do appreciate every moment that I spend at my mom's and I make sure to pet the dog and tell him to be good when I leave. I know it may be my last time to see him. I followed this same with my Grandma at the end. Made sure to say hello and good bye,when I got to mom's and made sure to spend time with her when I could. And I missed her before she was gone. So I miss Radar now. I feel like crying everynight when my mom says that he fell. Breaks my heart when I am trying to get him up and he doesn't want to budge or can't. Those aren't the memories you want to hold on to but for now my head thinks of them. I see his eyes. They are the eyes of a puppy in an old dog. And I feel like he knows this life might have been hard at first, but they say dogs only have memories of about 7 seconds so if that is the case he has had it good and could want for nothing. Another thing Al and I have in common. See in my adult life I have had many cats that I speak of often and 2 dogs. And there have been times with my own animals that I would be going through these same feelings with all of them. There are moments to this day that I picture. Some at the beginning like when Blake was a kitten laying on Brian's chest purring louder than a motorboat so small he fit in the palm of his hand or the day he passed laying on Brian's lap purring louder than a motorboat not the big old fat shit head that he had been but still a loveable ball of orange fur.

And lastly a lasting memory of Radar that will hopefully be finished someday as a children's book. As a child Brian's mom told a story about why dog's sniff each others tails. Well this story has spun around my head for the last 20 years and last year I committed it to paper and have a friend who is drawing the illustrations for it. Well I am not going to tell the story but in my book it is set in the times when dogs were in charge and of course Radar is the king. Well that as much as I am willing to share but when this project is finished it will be a forever memory that I plan on sharing with kids everywhere. So in the end Everyone will love Radar not because he is king but because Radar has pride in himself and will not settle for less than the royal best.
Love you forever bad dog.

Moving on

I don't know where to start today. I thought I had something to say but I really have just a lot of nothing rolling around inside my head tonight. Do I talk about time passing and getting on or falling behind or never moving on at all. Projects that have been set aside or Christmas decorations never put out and just put back up where they belong today. Today, April 27. Doesn't that seem ridiculous in 4 months we could not find 30 minutes to put away decorations we did not use last year.  It always seems like there is either something else going on or someone else I am trying to help. But really no excuse.

I had updated our virus software on the computer in November and it did not install correct. I have ignored it until last week. It took about 20 minutes and I had it fixed. I just could not figure it out? Couldn't be bothered? Why have I put these simple tasks off? I couldn't even begin to answer.

I cleaned my house for the first time in a year just 2 weeks ago. Not that I haven't washed dishes or taken out the garbage or done laundry but for the most part since our nieces left last summer, it has been it is what it is. If I don't need it don't worry about it. But a reporter from Arizona came to talk to us and Hugo about how this last year has been. I thought after the interview I would have something to share. I don't. I have mostly worried that what was said that day would be misconstrued or misunderstood not by you the average reader but by Brittany and the rest of the family.

Not that I think I said something wrong but sometimes I feel bad that I put my feelings out for others to read as though my feelings are important. Who am I. It was not my sister. I can not begin to imagine. It was not my mother. I speak to mine every night on my way home from work. Similar to Lisa, who also talked to her mom everyday. And I worry about my mom's health and that one day I will not be able to make that call. Which reminds me of a story about Kody.

When Kody (our dog of 14 years) was still alive he would always get the last bite of food I had, from whatever meal I was eating. As he got older I would tell him. One day I am going to cry that I get to eat my last bite of food. Kody has been gone now for 4 years and we now have Princess who has picked right up where Kody left off but the six months in between. I would leave that last bite and think of Kody. And yes I would cry.

I can go on and on about things that I have not done in the last year but in the last few weeks have finally made my self take care of. There are still a lot more things that need to be done but I feel like I am getting somewhere. Brian cut the grass yesterday and the yard looks good but could also use some help so hopefully over the next few weeks I can get after some of that.

Now as for the last few weeks we have found out that one of the girls that used to work with Brian passed away, a friend of mine from work lost her daughter and my nephew lost the Behavioral Specialist from his school that would talk to him everyday and the Pastor at church lost her mom.  I feel so sad for all of them.

Which makes me think about mortality and my life and those around me and that I can not stand the thought of being without the people I am closest to and I worry about the thought of Brian having to be without me. These are the thoughts that make me cry tonight. I know you have to move on as they say but some days I just don't know how.

We are planning a trip to Alaska this summer while Brian's brother is still there. Planning isn't the right word. I have scheduled the time off but have no idea about anything else and it is only weeks away. Usually I would have a list of things that need to be done before and who will take care of what while we are gone but I just don't. I have read some about Alaska and I know there are things I want to do but I don't have a schedule or itinerary. See glaciers and eagles. Visit Denali, maybe see the pipeline and take lots of pictures of animals and the vast emptiness. If you can not get motivated for a trip of a life time like this what can you.

Well Miss Brittany is turning 21 and at the end of our trip and if all goes well we will be meeting up in Las Vegas to celebrate her birthday with her. This makes me smile. This is something that we talked about last summer that her and her mom had planned to do and I wanted to make sure that it was seen through along with her dad and Brian.

So one step at a time I am trying to not worry about what I can not control and take care of what I can today and leave the rest for tomorrow. Smile when things go right and for right now cry when they don't.

It is not a year later but 365 days one at a time that has been tough for a lot of people in a lot of ways.

So, Peace Lilly, Amber, Lisa and Jim and Peace for all of you.

Goodnight.