My Christmas Special

So it is almost Christmas Eve. It is 11:26pm on the 23rd. I am home alone because as any of you know that have ever worked retail Brian is working until midnight for those that need Scotch tape or just some Scotch. Only kidding. Walgreens doesn't sell liquor anymore but you get the idea. So here I am alone. Watched Kelly Clarkson's Christmas special from last year. As soon as I saw Robin Williams it made me remember he is gone. As I said in my post earlier this week I am overwhelmed by the Holidays. Everything seems to be an emotional roller coaster for me. Work, home, in the car. Everything seems to make me want to cry. And as I have said before not all are tears of sadness but tears none the less. This time of year has always been hard for me. When I was younger I would say I didn't like Christmas but that isn't true I just don't like the feelings that come with Christmas.

Christmas has always been a time of change in my life. I moved out on Christmas in 1991. The same year my grandmother died. And her funeral was on Christmas Eve. Can't really say I moved out that day. I just stopped going home. Well a year later on Christmas my roommate and I moved into a house on the beach that my other grandmother owned. And just to follow the pattern in 2003 Brian and I bought our house we live in today and closed the day after Christmas. Now moving has nothing to do with me liking or disliking or feeling sad around the holidays.

I remember that Christmas in 1991. My friend that I moved in with well I don't know if I can express all the feelings I have about him in one post but we ran the gamut. Love, Hate and everywhere in between. He took me to a Broadway Musical Christmas Show at Ruth Eckerd Hall. It was incredible. I loved the music, the singing the orchestra. I love real music, played by real musicians and songs sung by real singers. Anyway...

My Grandmother my Dad's mom and she passed away just days before Christmas. She was getting ready to go to work at the fish market. Crocheting in her rocking chair that is right behind me tonight. Grandma was Christmas. I can see her in her white coat ushering at church with her Christmas Tree pin that I now own. My prize possession one of my cousins passed on to me after her mom had passed it to her. Grandma had a tree decorated the same every year. Simple, elegant and beautiful. She had these small angel carolers under the tree. I wish I had just one. Makes me sad even now all these years later. She also always made cheese danishes and poppy seed roll and nut rolls and God only knows what else. I have made the cheese danishes and the nut rolls from scratch just like she did. Someday I will pass on these to someone.

This was not the topic I was going to write about tonight. I wanted to talk about family. And how important it is. And how you never know when you or someone you love are the one who will not be here for next year's Christmas Special. Which I guess I have always gotten and tried to share with my brother and sisters. There is no guarentee in life and being together now is all we have for sure. When my mom's mom lived with my mom I would remind my sisters that she would not be around forever and she lived to be 93 there was no reason to cry. We had our whole lives with her until we were all 40 or more. Grandma has been gone for 2 years and my mom's brother that lives 2 doors down from her never stops or calls. 2 doors down. I don't get it. My mom never did anything. The first year at Christmas I thought well he just doesn't want to give us money like Grandma and him used to. I don't care about the money. Then last year after my mom had her stroke I thought surely he would stop by. Now my mom can not walk as far as his house and I know the phone works both ways so it is not all one sided. But what is up. Why do people not realize when it comes down to it that family is what you have and even though you can't pick your parents or siblings I wouldn't trade the one's I have. It just brings me back to 1991 and Grandma Helen just wanted all of her kids and grandkids together for Christmas but everyone is busy. Well guess what a $600 plane ticket to get my sister home and there is a picture on Grandma's front porch on Christmas Eve of the family all but me who was working. I was at the funeral but went back to work afterwards. Retail I tell you. That would be my Grandmother's 4 living children, spouses and 16 of the 17 grand children. Did they all wish they had that one more Christmas with Grandma? Sure but a day late and a dollar short.

So in this day of everyone is so busy why am I the only one that remembers? One sister called tonight to ask why we are having Christmas late at mom's and why everything can't be the way the rest want it. And one has to work on Friday. I am sure that we aren't going to be that late and well this is not up for negotiation. The point of Christmas at mom's is it is last. You don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do so we can enjoy each other and open presents and eat together. Isn't that a song? No it is from a tape I listen to to settle my brain at night when my brain won't stop.

 Now for those of you that have not experienced Christmas at my mom's there was always and excess. Excess of food, presents and family. There was always someone that had no where else to go that could not believe a living room so full of family and presents. I remember the year my oldest niece was about 4. She was so excited. She ripped through the presents that she got like crazy and then she went to each adult and asked if she could open their presents. And ripped the paper and had it strewn everywhere. Gifts would be lost in the paper. Money evelopes would be lost and have to be found before the gift wrap would all be thrown out. That is the Christmas I like to remember. Even in the lean years. And there were some pretty lean years. My mom always wanted us to have presents. Something to open. Some special food. I don't know if it is because I am the oldest or if it is because I can not let go of some of these memories but doesn't anyone else remeber how hard she worked for us.

Well it is now Christmas Eve and I have listened to the complete Christmas album while writing and I just remembered one of the things about family I wanted to say back when I wrote that I wouldn't trade my brother or sisters. When we were kids it was one for all and all for one. I am not sure why and I am not saying that my sisters didn't wear my clothes and yes I got mad but I remember so many other times that we did everything together. We would play school, we would go exploring on the beach. We would walk for over a mile to get to the north end of the beach past the houses and look for shells and fish and crabs and whatever else we could find that we had never seen before. Now I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but there are 5 of us. I am the oldest, then my brother, then I have 3 more sisters. There is a 7 year age difference between me and my youngest sister. So we are all close in age. 13 months, 14 months, 13 months and 2 years apart.. Get it we are close. I know I have told the story of us deciding that we are going to swim from the dock across the street from our house to Island Estates. This was a story my uncle had said that he had swam with his friends from the north end to Caledisi Island. So we took it as well if he can I know we can. Oh another great group decision. It was crazy but we had my youngest sister on a raft because we knew she couln't make the trip but we were all going. I didn't realize it was crazy til we were over half way and saw a boat coming and realized how small our heads were and how it may not have been our brightest moment. Another day we were home alone one afternoon and a magazine salesman came to the house. We invited him in. Now we had no money and not really sure what the guy thought but we talked to this guy for quite a while before he left realizing we were not buying what he was selling. There were other decisions we made as a group. Some for good and some not so much. So I wonder where that feeling of all for one and one for all has gone. This last year since mom had her stroke she has not driven. I have been taking her to the grocery and where ever else she needs to go one one of my days off. Now with there being 5 of us that all live within 10 miles of her that we could share some of the responsibilities. And I am not saying never but really. Should I feel like my life is worth less than theirs. My house needs to be cleaned and I don't want to do it. I know it is not always easy and I don't always do it with a smile but I do it. And no I am not trying to be the marter. I just know what is right. And what is right is my mom needs help and company and if it means my house is a mess forever then so be it.

Now it is time to wrap things up. Get it wrap things up. Well both literally and figuretivly I want to be happy for Christmas and enjoy as much as I can and hold back the tears until I am home.

I do not care what I receive as a Christmas gift. I want the people I give a gift to to love the gift I give. I want to go to church, to sing Christmas carols to maybe watch midnight mass from the Vatican on tv and wrap presents. Cry when I hear Silent Night and enjoy my 3 days off in a row.

I know you all are thinking isn't there anything that makes this girl smile. Yes. All these things at one time made me smile. Just remember we don't know if all the people on this year's Christmas special will be on next year. So enjoy them while they are here.

Christmas Eve 1:16AM Merry Christmas

Positivley Overwhelmed

I thought of the subject for today's blog after work the other night. A co-worker was talking about how many purses she has and how she has some with the tags still on them and still in the fancy box she bought it in. How she had to have the hottest color out that season. Then I thought I have 2 purses an everyday one and a black one for dressy occasions. Others are the same with shoes more than they could ever wear or one of every color of the rainbow but me I have have a pair of sneakers, a black pair of sandals a brown pair of sandals, a black pair of flats and a brown pair of flats. How utilitarian of me.Same goes with jewelry. I have my rings, necklace and earrings I wear everyday that I never take off.and I have one sparkly pair of earrings for dressy occasions and that is it. So you ask why do I care.

Well I am not saying that my closets in the house are not full but they are full of different things. In my spare bedroom is boxes of pictures my Aunt Jan took when she was alive. She was my mom's sister and she travelled a lot . When we were kids she went to The Galapagos Islands, Africa, Alaska and China. This would have been back in the 1970's when I don't think many women travelled alone and especially did not take international adventures on their own. Why save them you ask well someone has to and I am that person. I think if no one saves them did they ever exist? Was the tree ever there that fell in the woods that no one heard fall. Of course it was but I still hold on to these things. I also have a box of every children's bible and pocket bible that anyone on my mom's side of the family ever owned. They are old and and some torn but some say when they were received and by whom in the front and some have funeral cards tucked in them from relatives past.. My mother says she has blessed me with these things but what do I do with them. I have a two drawer file cabinet right next to me that is full of papers written by my Aunt Jan as well. When my grandmother sold her house I got all these things. Things no one wants but things I have to save to pass on to someone else. I am not sure who.

Some of these things I have projects in mind for. Scanning the pictures and saving to CD but even then will I be able to get rid of the originals. Don't know. Speaking of photography and being blessed.  My Grandmother had a fellow she dated and at one point I was at his house and he had been a pilot and photographer back in the 1940's and he had showed me some of his work. Very cool old aerial pictures of someplace in the mid-west. Well when he passed away his son was not interested and was going to throw them out. Now see I was not friends with this guy did not like him most of the time but I have a box of his photography. This I will one day research where it is from and donate it to a library there so it can be viewed by people that live there. I think these things are worth saving. Just sometimes saving them is an overwhelming task.

The reason this is fresh on my mind is because I have been trying to clean up the clutter in my house and get it ready for Christmas. We used always have people over. Eckerd people mostly (former co-workers of mine). Just seems like time gets away. I am not motivated but when I am I can accomplish anything. Just those times seem to be fewer and farther between lately. I know for most this is a time of family and friends and happy occasions. My brain just doesn't work that way. I want it to be but at the same time I just want to cry. Maybe that is to quick but that is it. Not for anything in particular just watch a sad movie and cry your eyes out. How about Dying Young? If you've seen the movie you get the kind of crying my eyes out I am talking about.

Which leads me to this week at work I was a bit overwhelmed by the words of others about a supervisor that is retiring. She has been in the cable business 30 years. Amazing. But I just realized if I was still working for Eckerd I would be on my 30th year. Oh and I still have 20 more to work. That is really depressing.

Well anyway the supe that is retiring works at night and has been my supervisor. She is sweet and helpful, fun loving. And can she bake. That is going to be missed. Her, "I just felt like baking some red velvet cupcakes for you all." Oh that is something I used to do. That is funny. I just remembered that to. It has been a while. I think sometimes this night shift does it to me. I can not get motivated in the morning before work and when I get home it is after 9pm and I never want to start anything then.

So there I was at work the verge of tears overwhelmed with emotions. And then it was back to the phones 30 calls holding and I was routing and the jobs weren't getting on the techs on their own. So all of this and I was leaving early that day to try to finish up my Christmas shopping or at least put a dent in it. But then I felt that rush of adrenaline that feeling of "Oh my God" I can't handle this. It was silly really. 30 calls holding. It was ok. We take them one at a time and sooner or later they get back to normal. The techs all have work. It isn't like they are sitting there waiting for their next job.But at that minute everything seemed to be too much.

That is what this time of year feels like to me. Everything is just much too much. Sometimes participating is too much. It is just easier for me to sit quietly and let others do their thing. Because if I participate I will cry and no one gets why. This started off to be about being overwhelmed with stuff and it ends up it is about being overwhelmed with emotions. Yes just for the record. I do get so happy I cry. So it is hard to tell from the outside when I cry if it is sadness or joy. I know.

Example. One of my favorite things is at church Father Devine (isn't that the perfect name for a priest). He always calls the children up after communion that are too young for their own special blessing. I love this. Makes the kids feel special and gets them participating in church. At Christmas he always gives them a candy cane. Well Christmas Eve 10 years ago there I sat with my sister and her husband and their new born baby boy Paul. When he was small, Paul made a kind of giggling noise when he breathed. So throughout church this little baby giggled his way through mass. At the end when Father asked for the children to come up I told my brother-in law to take up Paul in his little Christmas onsie. And Father picked up Paul and showed him off to the church. All the church applauded this new baby only a month old. Made me cry. Just to see that beautiful little boy up there. I still picture it in my head and it brings tears to my eyes. Well the end of Mass and we sing Silent Night. Well I know I have said it before but that is one of those songs that just makes me cry. See. This is how it goes. Through out this time of year. A lot of stuff just brings me to tears. They are not all sad tears but tears none the less.

There are other contributing factors it is not all in my head but I feel like sometimes my mind and body just can't get things together. You would think by the time I get to be this age that I would get it. You know how I work on the inside. No. Still a lot of things that my body does that my brain just can't wrap itself around. I was trying to figure this subject in but in my vow to politeness. I will leave my body out of this blog and just stick with my mind.

So less than a week till Christmas. Shopping today. Hopefully writing this morning will keep the tears back for a while but not really feeling it. At this point a perfect gift for a niece or co-worker could make me cry as well. Not shopping for Brian. He has already bought himself his gift but I am still on the look out for a new purse for me. Yeah my one I carry everyday the handle is getting frayed along the edges and I have only been trying to find one since my birthday in September. So it shows I don't just settle for the first thing that comes along and sometimes I wish when I find something I like that I would buy three of them so that I have back ups for times like this when I really need a new purse and can't find one I like. Well lets hope for the best a few good gifts and maybe no tears. Have a great Christmas.

Dog Gone Good Memories

So it has been two years since I started writing this blog and I thought tonight I would write about my blog and how things have changed over the last two years or how they are all still the same, but I haven't posted anything since June. Why you ask? It is not that I haven't started to write. One night I started about Fate and one night about some movies I had watched and one night about some old demons. But I have finished none.  Posted none. Sometimes I don't have time or energy, sometimes I do not feel it and really tonight is no different. I am exhausted I have worked day and nignt for the last week. We are learning a new software at work and it has been busy. And we have a few more weeks til we change over to the new software and I hope I get it.  But on a plus my one day off I got to spend with Brian and my next day off we are off together to. That has not been the norm. Our last day off together was on vacation in June. Ironic. June was my last post. June I was in the hospital.

Now it is September and I am not sure where the summer went. I know my sisters went on vacation because we watched their dogs. Felt like all I did all summer was watching someone elses dog. And now September and I am just sick over my brother's dog. Don't talk about Al much. He is just a year younger than me. We are both left handed and our birthdays are just 13 days apart. Well I am a year and 13 days older than him. As kids we shared a room, we shared our birthday. There are times where we are the same and times when we are different. I called him tonight to see how he is doing. He said ok. He said he knows where things our heading. See not much on talking. But we are together. And I did not want him to believe for a minute that he was alone. If he needs me I am here. And would be there in a second to help him however I could.

When I talk to mom each night she tells me how Radar is doing but she doesn't mention Al. This thing with us. Not very touchy feely family well. Not at all really. My friends that have been around awhile are laughing. Loudly. Someone at work the other day was talking about the being a hugger and said they totally had me pegged for one and I laughed. I have gotten better with age but it is hard to change after a whole life of not. But my heart is breaking for Radar. Radar is Al's dog.

Since I always say. I didn't know what I was going to write about. Just so you know. Now is the time that I thought of the title for this blog and know what it it is about. I know you are thinking but Jeanne really you are three paragraphs in and at the beginning of the second paragraph I knew where you were going. See. Guess you all are just quicker than me.

Radar didn't start out as Al's dog. See my first memory of Radar is in my sister Tori's pool. Sitting on the bench on the side just chillin' by himself. I thought that is the craziest dog. Well Radar did not even start out as her dog. I don't know where his life started but he ended up with my sister because her husband loves to save animals. Now again, I would not put Tim in the category of touchy feely person but he is definately an animal person.  He may be the one who saves the dog but he can not keep them all. I remember my niece was just about 6 or 7 when Tim first saved Radar. She is now 21. But when they sold their house and were moving into a smaller place while the new house was being built they thought Al would love to have a dog. Not at first but you can not love this dog.

Now another thing about me I do not like to be late. I am a lot afraid of change so this stuff at work changing scares me. But Al. Al is neurotic about a schedule. He gets up promptly at 4:30 in the morning so he can get ready for work and have time to spend with Radar in the morning before work. He walks him around the park out in front of mom's house. Up until this week that was the walk they have taken 4 times a day for more than 10 years. Rain or shine. Radar likes the wind blowing his ears back. Since he likes the pool he is clearly not afraid of a little rain.

 There are a few specific memories I have stored of Radar.  First memory is the walk. As you are pulling up or leaving my mom's house you will see Al and Radar walking. Al carrying the leash and Radar walking at his side. You just see their backs walking down the street. Seem's harmless but that is going to make me cry. The other is from a photograph of Radar in the pool a 130lb yellow lab with a childs intertube around his neck and he is sitting on the seat on the far side of the pool. Radar and I have one thing in common. When the kids are in the pool we stay to the far side and try to keep our head from getting wet. Don't care if my hair gets wet, just do not like to get splashed in the face.

Everybody has a pet name for Radar, bad dog, the best dog, wiggle butt. Wiggle butt is Al's. Radar only has a stub of a tail and long floppy ears. Previous owner's choice. But that little tail shakes his whole body when he see's Al come home. He knows at 3:20 the sound of Al's car backing in the drive way is just seconds away. And before you can hear the muffler of his old Camero Radar is up and in position at the back door waiting. The last couple years mom has been bringing Radar in the house during the day for company after they go for their walk at noon. Now the afternoon ritual is not over. Al works outside and the second thing he does is go for a swim now this to was Radar's thing. Everyday. Swim in the pool. Lay on the patio until Al is ready to go in and dry off. Then in for the night except one last walk before bed promptly at 10.

Another thing with me. See I don't wait for someone to pass away to mourn. I do it first. I am so sad that the things I have will no longer be there. I do appreciate every moment that I spend at my mom's and I make sure to pet the dog and tell him to be good when I leave. I know it may be my last time to see him. I followed this same with my Grandma at the end. Made sure to say hello and good bye,when I got to mom's and made sure to spend time with her when I could. And I missed her before she was gone. So I miss Radar now. I feel like crying everynight when my mom says that he fell. Breaks my heart when I am trying to get him up and he doesn't want to budge or can't. Those aren't the memories you want to hold on to but for now my head thinks of them. I see his eyes. They are the eyes of a puppy in an old dog. And I feel like he knows this life might have been hard at first, but they say dogs only have memories of about 7 seconds so if that is the case he has had it good and could want for nothing. Another thing Al and I have in common. See in my adult life I have had many cats that I speak of often and 2 dogs. And there have been times with my own animals that I would be going through these same feelings with all of them. There are moments to this day that I picture. Some at the beginning like when Blake was a kitten laying on Brian's chest purring louder than a motorboat so small he fit in the palm of his hand or the day he passed laying on Brian's lap purring louder than a motorboat not the big old fat shit head that he had been but still a loveable ball of orange fur.

And lastly a lasting memory of Radar that will hopefully be finished someday as a children's book. As a child Brian's mom told a story about why dog's sniff each others tails. Well this story has spun around my head for the last 20 years and last year I committed it to paper and have a friend who is drawing the illustrations for it. Well I am not going to tell the story but in my book it is set in the times when dogs were in charge and of course Radar is the king. Well that as much as I am willing to share but when this project is finished it will be a forever memory that I plan on sharing with kids everywhere. So in the end Everyone will love Radar not because he is king but because Radar has pride in himself and will not settle for less than the royal best.
Love you forever bad dog.

The Epitome of Me

I sometimes think that because I remember everything that I notice things that others may let pass them by. Maybe I read to much into things but sometimes I just have to believe that things happen for a reason and I have no control over them at all.
So last Sunday morning I woke up and felt a pain, discomfort but that old demon inside me said "This is the big one. Elizabeth I am coming to join you." Well not really that dramatic. If you did not get the Sanford and Son reference you have probably missed out a quality 70's program. But it doesn't have to be that big. See I get a little thing going and my mind goes overboard. Am I, aren't I. You don't want to be stupid. But then you look like a fool. Now no one told me that. Everyone was very kind. I even for warned them when I walked in the ER that I have had problems with anxiety and it could be nothing but when your blood pressure is what mine was it is hard to convince anyone that there is not something going on. Well next thing was an EKG. Surprisingly I felt so much better after the EKG I could have gone home. Really. But once they put me in room 32 the same room I was in the first time I went to the ER years ago with my first panic attack. Next to the room number is the word Acute. See again why it is bad to be me. I already know how they are gauging me and haven't even got in the room yet. I guess it is a good thing. They took everything serious. I told the nurse I had taken my medicine and a baby aspirin. I should have waited to panic but it is tough to be logical at this moment. Well she hooked me up to a heart monitor and it beeped every once in a while well that is really unnerving. I guess the beeping is good to a point but again. I knew how I had been before and the Dr had told me that my blood pressure would go down when the nurse was in the room with me. So I focused on the fact that they were not far. And pictured my lake with no ripples. A trick I learned after having panic attacks that if I picture a calming scene I could get back in control. Well when you feel like you are shouting in your head "Picture the Lake", it is much less effective. The beeping continued. The ER Dr said he would like to admit me and so it went. I thought about going home and going to work then he said. The test we did tells us what happened last night. Not what is going on now. So I stayed.

By the time I was in the room 309 I was tired. Very tired. The nurse was great. She got me some ice water. Showed Brian there was a area that they had snacks. Brian made us a peanut butter sandwich and I settled in for whatever was next. Did I mention they gave me an injection of Ativan in the ER. It is hard to panic after that. I slept off and on the afternoon away except for my time as a human pin cushion. See the test they did they do 2 more times. Each time they stuck me they pulled off two other taped over pieces of gauze to see if they missed sticking me anywhere. It is a good thing that stuff doesn't bother me. A Cardiologist came in and explained the blood test and that was about it. He said if all is good you go home in the morning. And he said he had checked out my Heart Cath results from 4 years ago and that my heart is good. He said you would really have to have abused yourself in the last few years to mess it up. So I felt better. Eat a meal, get stuck with a few more needles and be out of here. Well is life ever that simple. I told my sister I am going to relax and read and wait for the bartender and try to find the pool. That may have been the Ativan talking.

So Brian brought my book and we hung out. But he had to take care of the Princess and I am fine. So he went home to rest himself. The lady on the other side of the curtain had been in a few days. Saw her son and daughter-in-law but did not see her. While they were gone during the afternoon she turned on the TV and she was watching the World Cup in Spanish. So I said through the curtain,"So you like Soccer?" She said, "No, can not figure out how to change the channel". So I went over and asked what she like to watch. Funny first thing she said, Pawn Stars and Storage Wars. So I changed the channel but neither were on. I checked the Guide and asked ,"what do you think about Lucy." She said ,"that was good." So I went back to my book and napping. Her family came back and visited she ordered dinner and they went home to take care of her pets. She has two Cockatiels she told me. Her babies. When her food came I walked over and helped her. She was funny. Reminded me of Grandma. She didn't care what was on her plate as long as it came with mashed potatoes and gravy. Extra gravy. So I moved the potatoes to the plate she was eating off of and opened her gravy and talked to her for a few moments. Her boyfriend had died a few years ago and she has been alone since. She was about the size of my Grandma as well but she said her neighbors had been helping her with shopping but I knew this lady should not be at home alone.

I slept early but then about 3 AM my roommate was trying to get up. She was confused and looking for her son. I told her she was in the hospital and got the nurse to help her. She had to change her clothes and sheets so at this point we were all awake. And she kept asking for her son and the nurses explained the time and she was worried. So after they left I reassured her that he would be there in the morning. But again about 5:45 she tried again to get out of bed. I told her to stay where she was and I would get her some help. Called for the aid but no one came. Maybe I did not wait long enough. It is hard to be patient when you know this frail old lady could fall on the floor and hurt herself. So I got out of bed and walked into the hall and found my nurse. Explained and again they got my roommate back in bed and told her the time and that they would call her son in the morning. So as the nurses changed shifts she asked again and they tried to call but the number was written down wrong. He will be here soon enough they kept telling her.  Well I had my breakfast because I wasn't sleeping anymore. Asked for a wash cloth, cleaned up, brushed my teeth and was ready to go. Except for the heart monitor and the gown. I called Brian to bring me some clean clothes.  All I have to do is wait. Right. Because I was OK.

My roommate would not eat until her son came. Which he did finally get there. So I read, they visited. She ate her breakfast. They spoke of the reality that she may not be able to go home alone. This was a conversation that would be had numerous times throughout the day with many different members of the staff. It was sad but true. This lady as sweet as could be would not be safe home alone. This is where I feel bad. I know. I can not take her in. That is crazy but she has her birds and they mean the world to her. But her son reassured her that they could be taken care of until they got her someplace where she could have them.

Well I walked the halls about 5 times as the nurse said I should. She checked my heart monitor. All is good. Just waiting on the Dr. Any time now. Any time at all. I heard a Cardiologist in the hall from the same office as the Dr was from that I saw yesterday. I guess they think their voices don't carry passed the threshold if they are in the hall but it does. He said there were too many patients and he was going to need someone else to come see some of them. Then he was gone. Oh well. Just have to be patient. Now Brian brought my clothes. I changed my shorts and waited. I told the aid I will fix this I will order food for lunch then the Dr will come. Well it worked. The Dr that was seeing me for the Primary came in and said, I will call the Cardiologist and if all is good you can go home. Within a few minutes the Cardiologist came in and he was great. Explained some stuff about my EKG and left out just enough not to cause a panic attack. But he told me again. I am good. My heart is good and I can go home. He noted the situation with my EKG and you will not freak out the Dr's next time. Which is always great when you are not scaring your Dr.

So my food comes. Right on cue. The nurse removed the monitor and said, for me to eat and then she would remove the IV port last. Just in case, she said. So I ate. Brian had walked down to the lobby gift shop and my roommate's machines started beeping. Could have been an IV alarm. Not sure. I saw my nurse in the hall and said, something is beeping over there. The nurse cleared the alarm and went back in the hall. I finished up my food and again that alarm. Saw her nurse and said that beeping started again. So again the nurse came in and cleared the alarm. The nurse talked to her and left the room for a minute. Then came back with another nurse. Now I started worry. They did an EKG on her and I tried to think of anything else. Anything at all. I ate my sandwich as quick as I could and the nurse removed my IV port. By that time I think there were 4 or 5 more nurses and I told the nurse I needed to go before I ended up having to stay.

My roommates son came back and the nurses were explaining what was going on. I walked in the hall and there were more people pouring into the room. The nurse said she had called for a transporter but even she knew I did not need to see any more. She told another nurse she was walking me out. They had called for a Dr. I do not know what happened. I checked the Obits the first couple days. I thought if she did not make it I was glad I was there for her, her last night. If she did make it. I am still glad I was there for her that night. And that is the epitome of me. Me the person who doesn't know if she is having chest pains. Doesn't know why she panics but knows that when there is a person near that needs me I have to take care of them first.

YMC

If you already know what this blog is about you grew up on Clearwater Beach in the 1970's and 80's, For those of you who were not that fortunate or those that have forgotten this building had many other names. Youth Center, Rec Center, CBRC, Clearwater Beach Recreation Center, Maritime Center. YMC stood for Youth Maritime Center.

What was it? Well if you were between the ages of 8-18 and lived on the beach then it was your home away from home. It was the place your mom called looking for you when you were not home for dinner. In the summer we could head out the door with fifty cents in our pocket and know we were good for the day. A can of Pepsi and a snack from the Toms machine. If the thought of this does not make you smile I know you weren't there.

The Rec was a Tan building with wooden double doors covered in the front a small wall that ran the length of the building. Great for sitting and waiting for a ride. If your ride missed the building or the turn the car would end up in the bay. There is a boat ramp at the end with a small floating dock. The dock was added when we were kids. I remember watching the workers install it and how steep the ramp was at real low tide. Kids would ride their bikes down the ramp and into the bay and then come back up the boat ramp. Or the bigger kids would throw one of the younger kids in the bay and they would come back up the boat ramp. Doesn't that sound like fun. I guess if you were the big kid.

On one side basketball court and a playground on the other. The playground had a 8 foot chain link fence around it. It did run right along the edge of the seawall. Guess they did not want to have any playground accidents that resulted in a drowning. This was not the playground of today. Plastic and safe. There was no grass. Just sand and crushed shells all metal equipment. Hotter than heck in the middle of the summer but cool to the touch in the winter or when it was shaded in the afternoon by the building. Not a tree to be found. Well maybe one but it was by the seawall. Behind the playground was a covered bench that ran the length of the seawall. People would sit out and watch us sail on Sunday, fish or just hang out and enjoy the view. On the back side of the building was the garage doors to the storage for the Prams and the motor boat we used to set the course or save someone turned over. Some parent with a megaphone was always in the motor boat.

My relationship with this building started when I was about 8. My parents took me on a Sunday to learn how to sail a pram.This was the beginning of a love for the water that I have to this day. I looked forward to Sunday to sail every week. I was always upset when I was told it was too rough or windy or going to rain. I would say it is not that bad. I would gauge the weather and the wind as we drove across the causeway. Check the wave heights and check the palm trees to see how hard the wind was blowing. Is it high tide or not. Still to this day when I drive across the bridge I check the wind and water and say man would this be a good day to go sailing. Some days when the wind is really blowing I think of the wind in that sail and the boat keeled over with me hanging over the edge. How far over can I go without letting go of the sail or tipping over. How fast will this baby go today.

My funniest or most ironic sailing lesson. I had never flipped. I had been sailing for a few years and they started a program that they would take the beginners out and in water just deep enough for the boat to flip they would flip the boat so the kids learned how to get it turned over on their own. Well everyone knew that I had never flipped but did not want to participate in this exercise since I had been sailing for years and in theory I knew what needed to be done. Get on top the boat and if the center board is still in pull it in one direction with all your might and the boat would right itself. Well I never did the exercise and when I did finally flip my boat it was in a storm that had blown up and the wind was howling across the bay and there were probably 15 boats flipped over and the adults in the motor boat aided each one at a time. Well I could not get my boat back up. The wind the water I don't know what but I ended up being one of the last saved because I was one of the older and more experienced kids. Only time I ever flipped. Ever.

I sailed until I aged out of the program about 14 I think. I could have moved on to Sunfish but I didn't. My brother sailed to but I don't really remember my younger sisters sailing. Maybe they did but not for long. I think when I stopped everyone did. We did have our own boat. My dad still has it an old red fiberglass hull with wooden keel and rudder. Wooden mast and boom. Nice little boat. I would like to teach the kids to sail in it before they get to be too old. There were lots of kids that sailed some also owned their own boats some were fancy wooden boats with beautiful stain and varnish. They would cover before putting on their trailer and taking them home. Lots of the beach and Island Estates families had kids that sailed. So in 1977 when we moved to the beach we already knew some of the kids and all about the Youth Center.

So after we moved to the beach there was Summer Camp and after school programs. The building was closed on Sunday.  The summer camp program the kids were referred to as Rangers and the young ones were Little People. I think my youngest sister was the only one in Little People. That was a couple days a week for a few hours in the morning. Play games and things and learn to socialize. So the summer we moved in I was 9. We did the summer camp thing and met other beach kids. At the end of the summer every year there would be a big picnic. Another of my sister's picture was in the Beach Views (the beach news paper) eating watermelon with it dripping all down her face and shirt. Those were the days.

Inside there were pool tables, fooze ball tables, ping pong tables an art room and weight room. Like I said before outdoors basketball courts, tennis courts at one time a pool then they filled in the pool then years later put in another pool that is still there. Where the parking lot is now between the rec and the tennis courts at one time was a soccer field. We practiced for our City League team. There were 2 brothers that coached our soccer teams. My brother and I were on one and my 2 younger sisters were on the other. Kevin and Andy were the brothers. They called my sisters wild woman one and two. Now this was when they were about 9 or 10 years old. Little did they know how the name would grow to fit.

Now of course where ever you have this many kids hanging around there are going to be accidents. I will never forget the girl Maggie who had to get stitches in her chin because she fell off the giant play ball that seemed to be four feet around. I was young I could be exaggerating. And of course one of my sisters on New Year's Eve fell out back on some barnacles playing follow the leader and cut her hand. My parents had to take her to the Emergency Room and she had to have stitches but of course the ER doctor did not want to do it because of the dirt and debris from the barnacles so they had to call in a plastic surgeon to do it.

When we were young we could not play pool on the pool tables. Kids had to be at least 12 I think. But we had pool tables at home and that seemed silly but it was a big deal when the employees would let us play. Usually it was at dinner time when there was no one in the rec. But we really liked to play. We also played indoor hockey on a rec team. I even got to play in a regional basket ball shooting contest. I won my age group at the rec. I might have been the only girl that tried in my age group. Still got to go to the next level.

We did just about everything they offered. Archery, Tennis, Soccer, Ping Pong, Bumper Pool. We did it all. In the summer we had field trips and went to the pool down at Pier 60. Yes for those of you that have not been around that long. There used to be a pool. We loved it. High dive and all.

So as you grow up in the rec the next and most natural progression was to work there and I did. I worked for the City a few times. Filled in for maternity leave for a couple different people. It was an easy job when the kids were in school the days were filled with setting up card tables for bridge taking them down for line dancing and setting them back up for bridge. Mostly pretty quiet. I do remember one day that I will never forget. Rule #1 in the weight room always have a spotter. Always. Now I know why. There was this guy came in by himself and I said something as he walked by on his way to the weight room and said make sure you have a spotter. He said no one is here. You come sit with me. Remember I was young girl and this guy wanted me to hang out while he lifted weights. His name so you know was Joe. I will never forget because Joe could bench press about 320 lbs. on a good day. That day however was not his best day or he was showing off a little too much but either way. Joe and I got into a pickle when he lifted and brought down on his chest more than he could push back up. Now of course as I see the indentation in his chest turning red and his face I start to worry, but went right into action and did the only thing I could. Took off a couple small weights from either end of the bar and then I walked behind his head and lifted the bar up off his chest. Now of course this was not something I had ever done before or would ever try again. And to say the least my back and arms were killing me the next day. Crazy.

My favorite thing was summer camp and the kids I was only 18 or 19 and could still do all the stuff the kids did. Get out the mats and do cart wheels across the floor. We did an air band competition I will never forget my youngest sister and her friends did Shout by Tears for Fears. Every time I hear that song I picture them. All those years ago. Another thing I liked about being in charge was my method was not the same as others. Some kids would get in trouble at the rec and they would get kicked out. Let's say my brother was familiar with how that worked. But I took a different approach to the let me say more challenging kids. I kept them in the rec. Tried to keep them busy and yes it would back fire but I was young and resilient and my way had to be better so I stuck with it. I will tell you one time I had some of these kids helping me clean up the art room and get ready for a Senior Citizen class in the morning. Asked the kids to wipe off the tables and get out the coffee supplies and put them near the coffee maker. Walked out and made my rounds and came back oh the kids had wiped off the tables and while they were still wet sprinkled creamer and sugar all over the place and then ran out the art room door like I didn't know who did it. Yes I got them back and they had to clean it up but they got me that time.

 Both times got offered a chance to stay on but was crazy and did not. Now of course once you have one member of your family working for the City you have to get a few more in. Well not at the same time but later on one of my sisters and my brother also worked for the City. I also have a nephew and brother-in-law that work for the City.

I remember when they tore down the old building. I was in my 20's and I was so sad. I drove by and took pictures. I know I have a picture of the Tom's machine with the glass broke out and thought this place will never be the same. How could it?

Well I have only been back a few times to vote. They did add the Beach Branch of the Library to the building another one of our favorite spots to hang out as kids. That story will have to be for another day though.

You now have to pay to use the City Rec centers.So kids like us probably don't go. I know people think that beach kids were rich kids. We were not. All our parents worked at regular jobs and they all lived in regular houses that just happened to be on the beach. I know now most parents would not let their kids walk the half mile we used to to get to the rec center. Or would not leave them unattended for 8 hours at a time. But those were the days.

Guilty as Charged

I just read over the post I wrote a year ago. Funny how some things are the same and some are not. Mostly not. I feel a clean sweep coming on. A must change in our lives. Get us out of the funk or the rut we have been in. For the last four months Brian and I have had maybe 3 days off together. So the thought of getting things done around the house just does not happen as I would like. I can not motivate. Brian does pretty good on the weekend he has even mastered the washing machine. It has taken 20 years of being together but the other night I came home and he had done the laundry. It was amazing. I think confetti and balloons fell from the sky.

But now we are to that hump in the year. That time that is so difficult. I was writing the other night and thought about how we stop to celebrate the life of those no longer with us but it makes us look back on the terrible parts as well. This time of year has always been busy in my family I have a niece and my mom and my Grandma who's birthdays which have been in the last week. We also have the beginning of May the Derby which is a favorite of mine and my mom and my Grandma used to watch together. Then Mother's Day and one of my sisters birthday. All this in 2 weeks and now we add to the mix a huge loss. We lost Grandma almost 2 years ago. Then there is May 2.

Why does the anniversary of a terrible event stick with you. There is no name for the day you loose a whole group of people from your family. I have thought about last year and how the reporter came and the photographer and how they wanted to know how we were a year later. Well a year can be forever or it can go by in a flash. So last year we spent a day in April answering questions and sharing our first year after memories.

I have been thinking about what new things I would share if someone asked but no one asks on the 2nd anniversary of a tragedy. There are times I would like to spill everything out. There are things held in to protect others. But spilling everything will not make me feel better if it hurts someone else.

So instead I have been thinking about items that represent the last two years. The thing that represented the first year would be paper. For all the tissues we used  in the first year as the memories both good and bad flooded our mind at the least expecting moments. Today approaching the 2nd year the thing  that represents it best would be wood. A box for all the memories. A place to cherish the good memories and to keep the ones you do not need to be so fresh on your mind. For the sake of looking forward I think for the 3rd year I am thinking glass for a mirror. To be able to look without guilt. I think a lot of people still feel guilt. Some share it and some hold it in. But when I look in the mirror I don't want to feel bad for what I didn't know or what I didn't do. Instead reflect on the times we had together.

On the subject of guilt I have some advice for some of the people struggling. You and me both need to let it go. It will not bring anyone back and it will not stop anything from happening. We have families and friends that love us and we love. And they are here. And they can be loved now. When you pick up your child and give him or her a kiss know the world knows you would have done the same when Lilly came into a room or when you see your wife or girlfriend comes home remind them that they are loved as you would have Amber and when you do that you too will feel the love coming back and no guilt. When you look to your own mom on Mother's Day smile and think of Lisa. Because what's done is done. I have a few people specifically in mind and they are male so I must direct this to them. They may never read my blog but I know I have put the words out in the universe I feel they will find there way to the right people.

Our lives must go on. I would not want the world to stop living if I was gone.  So over the next few weeks I hope to make a clean sweep of things in the house and in our lives. I am hoping for better days off so Brian and I can do things together again besides watching tv late at night after work. And show him that he too is the most important person to me.

Sand Collar or Diamond Ring?

Sometimes I have the strangest thoughts and search something on the Internet and find the strangest things. One day just wondering what would come up I searched my maiden name on eBay. Just wondered if there was a picture of someone related or what would come up. The weirdest thing. I was expecting something from Ohio where my father is from with the family name or business on it. But instead I found a picture of my youngest sister. She and two other kids at craft contest had one a prize and this picture was run in the news paper. As soon as I saw the picture I knew it was her but kept thinking how weird that is. What are the odds. Well with me it seems to happen often. I think about something and then out of no where I see whatever I just said I never see this anymore.

This same thing happened one night years ago Brian and I were walking on the beach and I had just told him how we used to find the sand collars when we were kids and I had not seen one of them in years. We did not walk another 20 feet and there was one right in front of us. Brian's answer was why don't you think about how long it has been since you found a diamond ring or a pile of cash. This is my luck and fate at play. Rarely is cash going to be involved. Of course we have had times when paying the bills I have wondered how I was going to pay them all and then a check would come for a refund I forgot or an over payment I did not know I had made but for the most part it is just strange things.

So I have been thinking about some ideas to write children's history books. Just short stories about people or places that we have been. I have thought about telling them from different perspectives and I have been working on this idea of instead of telling the story from a child's point of view or an adults to tell the story from a plant or tree's point of view. I have had idea's for a few different places and people but today I thought about a tree in Clearwater that has been there as long as I can remember and I knew there was a plaque in front of the tree so today I stopped next to Perkins on Gulf to Bay near US 19 and wanted to check out the tree and the plaque. So the tree I thought was an Oak is actually a Camphor tree. And even though the tree looks big as you drive by if you have ever noticed. It is even bigger when I was standing in front of it. I would say it was 20 or 30 ft around. The plaque just says that it is a Camphor tree and it is in appreciation for the people who saved it from the National Arbor Society and dated February 1975. Took a few pictures and came home.

Now today I was supposed to do just a few things clean the counter and the dining room table which are catch all. Basically throw out the trash on the table and put everything else away. Do some laundry and the dishes and make dinner. But no. First visited my dad. Then went to the store. Went by and checked out the tree and oh yeah. Came home and got online and decided to do some searching to see what else I could find out about this tree. So Googled Camphor tree in Clearwater and found a few articles about the tree I am speaking of. Very interesting. I now know the tree is about 125 years old and was planted about 1890 with 3 others on the property of William Frank Fields who I read cleared and built his family a home. The four trees were planted to shade the yard for his children to play. Not sure how big the trees were when he planted them but I am sure he would be quite surprised to see how big the lone survivor is.  So the strange part. Checked out a few other links but then one caught my eye. Clicked on it and realized it was a link to an eBay page. See how we tie back to the eBay thing at the beginning. Love it when everything ties together. I pull up a picture and it is a newspaper photograph from 1971 of the very same tree. I don't know about you but this is weird. I mean isn't it. I just don't know. So does this mean that I am just strange? Or am I to take it as a sign that I am to write these stories and yes this should be the first one. Or does it mean nothing at all?

This is where sometimes over analysing the situation can leave me to do nothing at all because when my mind never turns off sometimes I will over think a situation until I do not want to think about it anymore and let the book idea go. Or is it that I continue to think about it that it is a good idea and I should continue to do more research. So including my Clearwater tree I have 4  stories in the works. I even have a title in my head but someone else uses it as a name of a business so I guess I would have to look into that as well.

So not sure if today I found a sand collar or a diamond ring but I was not looking for either when it appeared.

Princess

To be clear the title is not about me. I was going to write today about voting. I did. Vote, that is. But after being as productive as anyone, well at least as productive as I wanted to be today. I have an hour and could work on a blog. So I turned on the computer and the satellite radio and sat down with Princess (our dog) at my side. I looked down and I could not believe in the few minutes since we had come in from outside her head was so swollen. First I thought is it just the way she is laying. No. Panic. Her eyes are almost swollen shut. and her nose is swelling and she is starting to get welts on her back. More Panic. I have to get her a couple Benadryl. Brian said the other day when he was off that she got into something and he had to give her Benadryl as well.

I could not open the Benadryl. I had to use sissors to get the foil open and the longer it took the worse I was getting. Princess is not doing so well either. Do I take her to the vet? Give her the Benadryl first. So with a spoon full of cream cheese she swallowed the pills down. Now I can not write. I can not take my eyes off of her. I am crying. My poor girl. So instead of writing I sat on the couch next to her and watched her. Now as I said I had an hour. We are 20 minutes in and I got a damp washcloth and put it on her forehead to try to take down some of the swelling. Is she breathing normal? Am I? I got her a couple ice cubes and she licked at them. She can swallow. We are ok? Aren't we Princess? This is so hard she can not tell me how it itches but she is rubbing her face on my leg. She can not say that she is burning up but I can feel the heat coming off her forehead. I lift up her front legs and check her stomach. No welts there. No redness. Good. How is she breathing. So now I watch. The Benadryl is helping she is laying on the couch. She is not scratching. But I am watching her breath. Every time I see her side rise and fall I feel like I can breathe easier.

This was when I had the thought. I know why we don't have kids. I would worry myself sick. I know all of you have not been around forever but before we had Princess we had Kody. The Best Dog. Princess she is the Best Girl Dog. But Kody was the Best Dog. Kody had seizures for almost his whole 14 years we had him. And when it got to the end it was so hard for me. I had cooked for him the last year because his liver was failing and it was easier on his body and he would eat the home cooked meals. I would make him scrambled eggs and chicken and rice. I even took him to work with me for the last month. I tell you this because with all our animals we have ever had. When the end was near I was the Cat or Dog Hospice. I sat with them and fed them to the end. I was the Make a Wish come true for an animal and any other charity you can think of that does whatever it takes to make a human's life better at the end. Not every cat's last meal is grilled salmon but for my cats it was. I do not eat salmon but I went to the grocery and bought it for them.

After Kody passed away. It took me about 6 months before I even thought I could have a dog again. I missed him but was scared. Could my heart take this pain? To some people I know a cat is just a cat and a dog is just a dog. But these are my kids. Yes. I talk to them. I miss the cats and Kody all the time. Just like a relative. I remember things each would do or certain foods they would eat. We had a Persian cat Tiffany that would eat Fritos and spaghetti not together but she ate them. Kody would always make this lip smacking sound when he was getting ready to go to sleep.

So as I sit here and watch Princess I worry. Worry myself so much. Now the swelling went down and after the hour was up she looked much better or I would not have gone out to eat tonight. But as I left my friend Tracy's the worry came back. Was I wrong to leave Princess. She did look better. I wanted to stop at the grocery but then I thought I have been gone 2 hours what if she wasn't doing better. I should not have left.
Kody's last days I did not leave his side. For 4 days. Night and day. Inside, outside. Did not matter. I was there. Which when they say sleep deprivation is bad. It is very bad. Just ask the people in the emergency room 2 weeks later as I had my first panic attack or the next night when I had my second.

I did stop at the grocery. Grabbed the few things I needed and came home. Princess was not in the window when I pulled in the driveway but she was wagging her tail waiting for me when I walked in the back door. Her face is looking better. Still a little swelling above her eyes. Don't have any idea what it is that she is allergic to but I think we need to give her Benadryl regularly for a while. I would not want to have to leave and go to work with her looking like she did this afternoon.

I know she is a dog but she is my Princess. And I remember so much that it hurts to think that one day she will not be here. I know she is only 8 years old but I know nothing is forever and I will miss her one day like I miss Kody, Mary, Tiffany, Lillian, Blake, Gauge and Boo.

The anxiety of the end is real for me all the time. All the time that I think what if. It is not just a little what if. It is always the big what if. And to even say the words or type them could make them more real. The anxiety of loosing Kody took years to recover from. And still today I remember all of the panic, anxiety and sadness.
So much sadness. Now I can smile and remember. I used to just remember and cry. I am going to take a deep breath and hug my girl and go to bed and try to remember that both me and Princess are ok.

It took a lot of different things books, medicine and talking and quiet time to get better. I had to be brave to say I could have another dog and I will have to be brave again some day. Some day hopefully in the far off future I will once again be sad but will again have the memories of today to smile and remind me how much I cared for my Princess while she was here. And know that I treated her as with as much love as she gave to me.

Love you Pretty Girl.

Before the hot water runs out

Pretty funny title. So I must give credit. Brian is the one that said it should be the name of this post. This could become its very own blog.

Yesterday and today are my days off and after not doing much of anything yesterday I decided I was going to take a shower and do something. So this is what happens when my brain does not turn off. I am going to describe what goes through my mind before the hot water runs out.

See when I was a kid my mom used to say I did not need to use soap when I bathed because I took such a hot bath that a would scald the dirt right off me. I did and have always used soap but this is something my mother would say. Anyhow here is the what happened in my head.

As I undressed I thought "Why do women's bras have a bow on them". That would be a good name for a book. Who wouldn't pick that up? I can see the dust jacket on the back it would have reviews all from women named Jane Russell. Get it. A book about the bow on a bra and reviewed by women named Jane Russell. You would have to be over the age of 45 to get the reference.

Since Brian did not get this reference  I will only tell you Jane Russell was a movie star and she used to do Playtex 18 hour bra commercials. Get it now? Pretty damn funny.

Back to the shower.
Six degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon and I can go from a bow on a bra to Jane Russell to my best friend in band in high school was Jane Russell. Not the bra lady but my friend's name was also Jane Russell. Jane and I were only friends for a few years she was a year older than me and after she graduated we did not see each other anymore but while we were friends we did so much stuff together. Jane taught me to drive a stick shift in her old VW station wagon on my 16th birthday that gear shift did not have a ball so it would leave a mark on your hand from shifting gears. We would drive around and listen to Bonnie Tyler tapes. Jane owned a horse but we only went to see it together once. Jane worked at Maas Brothers. Her mom was the Music Director at Trinity Presbyterian Church. The first time I went to church with her I sang in the choir and at that church during the service they ask who is new and call them up to the front to welcome them. I remember Jane pushing me to go and the Pastor made a big deal that it was my first time attending their church and I sang with the choir. We also would stand in for people in bell choir for practice and we were in a play at her church. Listen People was the name of it. All of this while I was a junior and she was a senior. Band camp was at a church camp up near Moon Lake that year. We had so much fun. Getting in trouble or causing trouble which ever was easier that day. Wish I knew how she is doing. Never can find her when I check on FB. There are just too many Jane Russell's in the world and I have no idea what she did after she graduated. Man I miss her.

Well we are to the point that I am turning off the cold water because the hot is not hot enough anymore and I really need to finish taking a shower so I can do something. Think I am going to take Princess for a walk.
So I know it kinda jumps around but that is what my brain does. I think it could be why sometimes I feel tired even when I have done nothing. My brain does not stop. Now I have learned over the last few years I can do breathing exercises and slow it down and for a time may even stop jumping from one thing to another.

Just thought I would share.
Have a great day. I have already taken my shower for today and ready to go.

Are you smart or just a smart ass?

So I thought I knew this week what I would write about. I was sure I was going to write about the Olympics and the way people treat each other for the sake of ratings or whatever it is that drives people to say something that is totally not necessary on television. I know millions were watching. I know we were probably the only ones that turned the channel and watched something else. I am not a sports person. I am really not that competitive. I like to win but sometimes just knowing I am good at something is good enough for me. That is perfect.

See when I was young I worked for Eckerd and I was not afraid to be right and it did not matter who I was talking to. The District Manager came in once and told me that my price changes were not up to date. I did not say I will get on that. I took him to the book and showed him that what was on the shelf was correct and that I had initialed myself that it was done because I knew I was right. I did not care that he was with his boss. I did not care who was standing there. The man told me I was wrong. That was not the last time I would do such a thing. No one ever told me not to until I had made my mark on everyone. So as I got older and I applied for a promotion as a Service Assistant and my DM asked me why I should get the job. Well there was only one reason because I bleed blue (the color of the trim in the store and the name was always as we called it Eckerd Blue). Those were my exact words. I knew this DM. He had been a Pharmacist for years and I had worked for him. Funny thing was I had always called him Phil as a Pharmacist but now as a DM people thought I should call him Mr. S... I did not get this. How did our relationship change because he got a promotion. I was taught to work side by side with your people until they did the job as best they could then let them go on their own. That was how I taught people how to straighten shoes and hats and fill the coolers. Seemed when you put this divide you were no longer working with someone, now you are working for them. Not the same. Can you go tell someone you work for the same thing you tell someone you work with. Not usually.

So Phil he did promote me to Service Assistant. I had been with Eckerd now for about 10 years and I made more money hourly as a Service Assistant than most Assistant Managers but you know that girl that was 16, 17 or even 20 that said whatever she wanted is now 26 and can not get promoted to save my life. It has became a quest. I was put in some terrible stores but made the best of them. Worked in a store that was one of the companies oldest with a manager that had been the golden child but as all do somehow fell from the Grace of the company. But we made the best of this old store that we could and when it was time to close the store we were there to the last day. Then after that I spent time in Gulfport. This is a small town along the water near south St. Petersburg. On the verge of a beautiful waterfront community and the otherside of the railroad tracks set a small plaza with a Winn Dixie and an Eckerd. This store was as small as can be. So small we had to get the truck in the morning before the store open because it had to be unloaded through the front door. I worked with an Asst Manager and we share the responsibility of opening and closing the store doing all the ordering and payroll but no title for me. A store manager came in once every couple weeks and left a list of what she wanted to see done. Otherwise we ran the store as we saw fit. Now this Asst. Jimmy he had an older brother who was a manager for Eckerd. His brother would come in all the time and tell me I should be promoted and he said he would help me get promoted. I thought great. I have to get transferred to South St. Pete to find someone who does not know my reputation or doesn't care. So either way I had been at this store for months and Jimmy got transferred. Now it is me and another Service Asst. Her and I did not get along. Still had the Manager checking in on us. Now I had been there for almost 8 months and it is almost time for inventory and I have gotten most of the backroom ready by myself and working on the ledge. I thought if I get this store through inventory, I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I know I can do this job with or without the pay or the title and I am. So 2 days before inventory the Manager in charge came in and said that I did not have enough done and that she was going to have to bring someone else in to help get ready for inventory. That was crazy. It did not matter what list she left I would have gotten it done and I knew she was not right. But that afternoon I got transferred to another store in St. Pete. Now I am working for Jimmy's brother Rob. I was pissed.

But like everything else with Eckerd it was another grain of salt that was probably my own fault because of my smart mouth. Rob and I worked together like crazy. This store was right on US 19 and busy and huge. This was a store that probably could have used 2 Asst Managers but all Rob got was me. But he did have faith in me. As we came into the holidays he said I can give you overtime as long as everything is good in the store. So we kept the store up and I was working 50 hours a week or more depending on how busy. This store the pharmacy was busy and when someone came in I would go back and type for the pharmacist or answer the phone or whatever they needed. That is what I was taught to do. One day Rob walked by the pharmacy and looked up and said I thought you went home I said, no there was a line and well here I am.
As it got closer to holidays we were working so much when I walked in the door one day I said Hi, honey I am home. I was not sure why I was driving home just to get back up and come back in the morning but that was what it was taking. Well you knew the day would come didn't you. I mean I am still a Service Asst and really I know more about Eckerds than a lot of the managers out there but you know there I was. So on the phone the week before Thanksgiving was the DM calling for me? Rob was not there. Well now of course this is not Phil he was not the DM in that area but this DM he didn't like me at all. So he called to tell me he was promoting me. Well of course he is. I have over 60 hours on the schedule for next week and I can make more money than Rob and I think this is what finally did it. The dollar wins, or did I or did they. I am not sure. How come I feel defeated for getting promoted. Years, I worked hard. Year after year. Rob was proud like a father who's child finished kindergarten but I was frustrated.

Now I would not work with Rob much longer. I would get hurt at a work party at another store in St. Pete during a remodel the same day my store got robbed. The same day another Asst Manager was killed being robbed leaving the store that night. Not really a good day in Eckerd.

Where are we going here. Hard work and perseverance does not always get you what you want, or sometimes what you want is not what you need? I am not sure.

So for the big tie in. Olympians are people too. They work really hard for years for their goals. And sometimes they get a gold and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the story is pretty but the finish isn't. Sometimes the finish is pretty and the story is not. Everything is not a made for tv mini-series. These people have to go on and live a lifetime after these games are over. Some of them are going to retire from a sport they have done since they were 4 and they are now 24 or 34. Either way they have so many good years to live and their whole life is not summed up on the podium today. It will be summed up 30 or so years from now when they are showing their medal or telling the story of the one that got away to their grandchildren. And they can write the chapters afterwards knowing they did the best they could while competing and will continue in that same fashion whatever job they choose in life.

Now for the sideline reporter that ticked me off and the analyst that irritated me, I will assume you are past your prime in your sport and these are not your finest moments either and you to will go on to do better with your live and learn that knowing everything does not get you everything and being the smartest person in the class and being a smart ass are not the same thing. I know now. I was both when it came to a lot of things but sometimes I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Choices

I went yesterday to see the movie August-Osage County. I think I was looking for dark and funny and found it to be more dark and sad and less funny. I was there in the afternoon on a weekday so the audience was older and some were not happy. They did not like the language and did not like the subject matter. I could have done without some of the language but to be this dark somebody is going to say the F word. I get the story everyone in the movie except for the hired help comes to the house with their own personal secret and tragedy going on in their lives but now Dad is gone and Mom has cancer and is addicted to pain meds. And we haven't even started to scratch the surface of this families secrets. But I get that. I get that everyone has something they bring to the table. In the movie they literally bring it to the dining room table during the funeral dinner for their father. The scene that got me was the three sisters trying to decide what is going to happen with their mom. Do we send her to rehab, a home or will someone draw the short straw and have to stay and take care of her. While at the table 2 of the 3 say they are leaving and the one who has stuck around through this much says she can't and won't do it any longer. Which leaves the oldest. Daddy's little girl is stuck holding the bag with mom. As the movie draws to a close each sister leaves the house in tears because their own drama takes them away the last one is told that she is just like her mother. Standing there midday in her pajamas and what is next. She gets mad and takes off in the family truck the movie ends she has stopped along an open Oklahoma road and gets out of the truck she looks back towards home and forward away from that mess. She gets back in the truck and I was not sure which way she would go, but in the end she has to make the choice for herself. No one is going to make it for her this time.

So I know I gave away a lot but there is a lot more cussing in the movie. A lot of sadness in this family. More drama than any family I know. But you know all fiction has a hint of the truth hidden inside it. Everyone in all families face decisions they don't want to make and sometimes you make the choice and sometimes you wait long enough and the choice is made for you. Not sure which is less painful. Do you want to believe you choose to leave your mom alone or do you want to believe you have no other choice.? That is what I left with. And no matter who or what it is, I am like a Marine. No man left behind. So no matter what I have to do I am going to drag my mom or anyone else to a point where they can take care of themselves or someone else steps up to help.

But as you can see it is about choices today and I made one the other night at work. It was not a big choice when I made it. It was really a simple choice when I made it but in the end I was the one who made the choice and someone else had to work later than he should have because of it. I have played out the way things went down and how they could have been different in my head so many times but I still see the end result being the same but I would not have been the one making the call it would have been someone else. I am mentioning this to get it out of my head. This is the sort of thing that sticks with me until something else does. So as I finish my weekend off I will go back to work tomorrow with a clear conscience and will make good choices even though I know they will not always be right they will be all mine.

What is your name?

Nerves, nervousness, scared to death. Don't know which I am? Biggest fear on Monday was that I would show up at the new job and it not be my job. That I did not get the job. See I had not talked to anyone from the new office and even my contact with HR was through IM so I worried that when I got to the new office they would ask who I was and what I was doing there.

Now that I have worked a few days I have the feeling I am not sure what I am doing. I don't have the confidence I had last week at work at the other office. You know the feeling after you have been a a job for a while and the days pass by and you see the same people, take your break at the same time. Walk the same halls. You know who the new people are and you are not one of them. You feel for them and want them to fit in but are thankful for the familiarity that comes with being at the same place for a while.

But now I am the new person. The person no one knows that has to introduce themselves to everyone. Yes, and with my name that adds a whole new worry. Most people don't remember your name when they first meet you but they can look at your name tag and all play along until they know who you are. Nope. Got to be different. Don't look at my name tag you will mess yourself up for sure. And then I have a choice ignore or correct? It isn't really a choice it has become a rule. Will I have to talk to you on a regular basis then correct, a person I meet in passing that will rarely have contact with ignore. Again since I don't know who the people are that I will talk to everyday I am correcting or reminding people when they try to introduce me to another co-worker and stand there with a look I am all to familiar with and I have to introduce myself and say my name is Jeanne oh well for those of you that don't know me personally you probably think I pronounce it Jean or Jeannie, no it is Jean like Jean-Claude Van Damme (actor) or Jean Luc Picard (Captain on Star Trek Next Generation), Jean Lafitte (Pirate), my dads favorite as a kid was Jean-Claude Killy (an Olympic snow skier from the 1960's). He had to reach when I was a kid. So by the 1980's and Jean Claude Van Damme came along it did make it easier at least there was someone out there that used the pronunciation that I do. Do not use Jon Benet Ramsey. That is not the same at all and I did not like the idea of being tied to a child pageant star but definitely do not want to be tied to a child murder victim.

I know I say it all the time I did not know this was what I was going to write about tonight I thought it was going to be about being nervous about being new but as I typed I remembered my name. I had not ever addressed the fact that the casual reader does not know how to say my name which all ties to this whole being the new person. No one named Shelly or Kelly or Susan have to explain how to pronounce their name and they do not have to explain how they got their name when they meet new people. They do not have to repeat their names so many times that whatever the other person is saying I just say yes Dawn. That is it. And my all time favorite question, can you hear the sarcasm? Again if you can't you do not know me but is there, but is there something else I can call you? No. Not "no" like maybe make up some cute name for me. "No". Like I do not have a nick name. The only names other than my own I have ever been called were mean and yes, I do remember them and will not repeat them today. Already not feeling confident so I don't need to remind myself of how people would pick on me and make up names to call me in school.

So, I am not sure if my anxiety is exactly the same as everyone elses or if I make it worse because of my name and the feeling of am I going to make someone feel bad or feel like I am being rude when I say just call me my name  I have used all my life. Or Ok,  if I call you by the wrong name then it will be fine for you to call me the wrong name. People do not realize how personal a name is until they mess with mine. There were times when I was young I was going to change my name as soon as I was old enough. I could not decide what I would be. I would think about names and I even thought of using my middle name Marie which is also my Grandma Helen's middle name but Marie is not really me. This was when I was in 9th grade. I know that because it was the year of my Confirmation at church and you have to pick a Saint's name and I stuck with Marie but I then looked at a name I had always known to be Joan of Arc but did not know until then that Joan was not Joan at all, she to was Jeanne or Jean but definitely the french pronunciation the same as me. Then when the Joan of Arc movies came out in 1999 I knew why my name was Jeanne. Yes, I was 32 years old and maybe a slow study but I knew that my name was my name because I was like her. I did not think she was crazy. Joan that is. If you don't know that Joan of Arc went to the Prince of France as a young girl and said she could help him win the war and keep his country from the English. Well she was just a girl from a small town who has visions from God. Skip to the end she is found to be guilty of witchcraft under the English Law and is burnt at the stake in the middle of town at the age of 19. She believed what she believed to be true and would not say she was crazy or a witch to save herself. The messages she was hearing were from God. I do believe that strongly in the truth and I understood that is why my name is Jeanne and not Jean or Jeannie. And now you do to.