I thought of the subject for today's blog after work the other night. A co-worker was talking about how many purses she has and how she has some with the tags still on them and still in the fancy box she bought it in. How she had to have the hottest color out that season. Then I thought I have 2 purses an everyday one and a black one for dressy occasions. Others are the same with shoes more than they could ever wear or one of every color of the rainbow but me I have have a pair of sneakers, a black pair of sandals a brown pair of sandals, a black pair of flats and a brown pair of flats. How utilitarian of me.Same goes with jewelry. I have my rings, necklace and earrings I wear everyday that I never take off.and I have one sparkly pair of earrings for dressy occasions and that is it. So you ask why do I care.
Well I am not saying that my closets in the house are not full but they are full of different things. In my spare bedroom is boxes of pictures my Aunt Jan took when she was alive. She was my mom's sister and she travelled a lot . When we were kids she went to The Galapagos Islands, Africa, Alaska and China. This would have been back in the 1970's when I don't think many women travelled alone and especially did not take international adventures on their own. Why save them you ask well someone has to and I am that person. I think if no one saves them did they ever exist? Was the tree ever there that fell in the woods that no one heard fall. Of course it was but I still hold on to these things. I also have a box of every children's bible and pocket bible that anyone on my mom's side of the family ever owned. They are old and and some torn but some say when they were received and by whom in the front and some have funeral cards tucked in them from relatives past.. My mother says she has blessed me with these things but what do I do with them. I have a two drawer file cabinet right next to me that is full of papers written by my Aunt Jan as well. When my grandmother sold her house I got all these things. Things no one wants but things I have to save to pass on to someone else. I am not sure who.
Some of these things I have projects in mind for. Scanning the pictures and saving to CD but even then will I be able to get rid of the originals. Don't know. Speaking of photography and being blessed. My Grandmother had a fellow she dated and at one point I was at his house and he had been a pilot and photographer back in the 1940's and he had showed me some of his work. Very cool old aerial pictures of someplace in the mid-west. Well when he passed away his son was not interested and was going to throw them out. Now see I was not friends with this guy did not like him most of the time but I have a box of his photography. This I will one day research where it is from and donate it to a library there so it can be viewed by people that live there. I think these things are worth saving. Just sometimes saving them is an overwhelming task.
The reason this is fresh on my mind is because I have been trying to clean up the clutter in my house and get it ready for Christmas. We used always have people over. Eckerd people mostly (former co-workers of mine). Just seems like time gets away. I am not motivated but when I am I can accomplish anything. Just those times seem to be fewer and farther between lately. I know for most this is a time of family and friends and happy occasions. My brain just doesn't work that way. I want it to be but at the same time I just want to cry. Maybe that is to quick but that is it. Not for anything in particular just watch a sad movie and cry your eyes out. How about Dying Young? If you've seen the movie you get the kind of crying my eyes out I am talking about.
Which leads me to this week at work I was a bit overwhelmed by the words of others about a supervisor that is retiring. She has been in the cable business 30 years. Amazing. But I just realized if I was still working for Eckerd I would be on my 30th year. Oh and I still have 20 more to work. That is really depressing.
Well anyway the supe that is retiring works at night and has been my supervisor. She is sweet and helpful, fun loving. And can she bake. That is going to be missed. Her, "I just felt like baking some red velvet cupcakes for you all." Oh that is something I used to do. That is funny. I just remembered that to. It has been a while. I think sometimes this night shift does it to me. I can not get motivated in the morning before work and when I get home it is after 9pm and I never want to start anything then.
So there I was at work the verge of tears overwhelmed with emotions. And then it was back to the phones 30 calls holding and I was routing and the jobs weren't getting on the techs on their own. So all of this and I was leaving early that day to try to finish up my Christmas shopping or at least put a dent in it. But then I felt that rush of adrenaline that feeling of "Oh my God" I can't handle this. It was silly really. 30 calls holding. It was ok. We take them one at a time and sooner or later they get back to normal. The techs all have work. It isn't like they are sitting there waiting for their next job.But at that minute everything seemed to be too much.
That is what this time of year feels like to me. Everything is just much too much. Sometimes participating is too much. It is just easier for me to sit quietly and let others do their thing. Because if I participate I will cry and no one gets why. This started off to be about being overwhelmed with stuff and it ends up it is about being overwhelmed with emotions. Yes just for the record. I do get so happy I cry. So it is hard to tell from the outside when I cry if it is sadness or joy. I know.
Example. One of my favorite things is at church Father Devine (isn't that the perfect name for a priest). He always calls the children up after communion that are too young for their own special blessing. I love this. Makes the kids feel special and gets them participating in church. At Christmas he always gives them a candy cane. Well Christmas Eve 10 years ago there I sat with my sister and her husband and their new born baby boy Paul. When he was small, Paul made a kind of giggling noise when he breathed. So throughout church this little baby giggled his way through mass. At the end when Father asked for the children to come up I told my brother-in law to take up Paul in his little Christmas onsie. And Father picked up Paul and showed him off to the church. All the church applauded this new baby only a month old. Made me cry. Just to see that beautiful little boy up there. I still picture it in my head and it brings tears to my eyes. Well the end of Mass and we sing Silent Night. Well I know I have said it before but that is one of those songs that just makes me cry. See. This is how it goes. Through out this time of year. A lot of stuff just brings me to tears. They are not all sad tears but tears none the less.
There are other contributing factors it is not all in my head but I feel like sometimes my mind and body just can't get things together. You would think by the time I get to be this age that I would get it. You know how I work on the inside. No. Still a lot of things that my body does that my brain just can't wrap itself around. I was trying to figure this subject in but in my vow to politeness. I will leave my body out of this blog and just stick with my mind.
So less than a week till Christmas. Shopping today. Hopefully writing this morning will keep the tears back for a while but not really feeling it. At this point a perfect gift for a niece or co-worker could make me cry as well. Not shopping for Brian. He has already bought himself his gift but I am still on the look out for a new purse for me. Yeah my one I carry everyday the handle is getting frayed along the edges and I have only been trying to find one since my birthday in September. So it shows I don't just settle for the first thing that comes along and sometimes I wish when I find something I like that I would buy three of them so that I have back ups for times like this when I really need a new purse and can't find one I like. Well lets hope for the best a few good gifts and maybe no tears. Have a great Christmas.
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