This week we finally had an estate sale. I took the week off from work and finished organizing and cleaning out closets and emptying out boxes and we had a sale. I spent so much time there this week and am tired but I didn't realize I was going to have a Panic Attack well two. One on Thursday night because I didn't feel like I had gotten enough done and the other Saturday night because I could do no more.
Panic is like breaking your arm. You forget over time what it feels like but then when it happens again your like, oh yeah. This sucks. But with the help of some friends I got through it. And even though I am awake in the middle of the night I am feeling rested and have off today also for me.
I knew we would have all kinds of people come through the house but the ones that were Jack Asses really got me mad. The people that everything is too expensive and your not going to sell anything. I had one first thing Saturday morning and I am not a morning person and he pissed me off. I told him I didn't need his negativity so early in the morning and since he didn't have anything in his hands I couldn't do better on the price. One of my sisters walked by and I said, "what a jack ass." She turned and looked back and said, "he is still there." I didn't care.
It was the other people I never thought about. The people that were like mom and grandma, that loved to go to the sales and find a treasure and bring it home. The pastry chef from the Yacht Club who went through mom's cook books and was so excited by her finds. She said, "what a great collection mom had." So I showed her one of my favorites that mom would be glad to know she has, it was a Treasury of White House Cooking. On the first page it said, Jackie Kennedy Onassis returns to the White House. It had stories of when the Kennedy's were in the White House and other first families and some of their favorite things. She came back and sent one of the other chefs as well. I told her the second time she was there what it meant to me by her appreciating mom's cook books. I told each of my brother and sisters that story so they all knew someone else other than mom will love her stuff.
We also had a young bride-to-be that collects vintage Fisher Price toys for her future children that couldn't believe mom had saved all these toys from our childhood. And the Barbie collector with OCD and asthma that went through boxes of miss matched pieces. She bought Barbie's with missing limbs and heads that my mom saved. These are the people that I want to remember.
Our best customer as my sister said, "was the ad she didn't place." She had called to place an ad in one of the weekly little newspapers and was too late to get in but the lady on the phone said, sounds like a good sale and can I tell a few people anyway. Sure. So she came and her friends came and so on. People called people once they walked through the house and told others. My sister would say when they walked in the house walk through the whole house twice and you may see half of what it here.
The people I didn't count on were the neighbors that stopped in that didn't realize that mom had passed. One lady walked in and said, "where is Jeanne?" I lost it. I just started crying right there in the living room. We had a few and that was really hard but then there were the people that also grew up on the beach that we reminisced with. The ones that went to the Youth Center or sailed Prams. The ones who knew other people we knew back in the day. And the ones that remember Pier 60 and the old hamburger stand and the pool and the soccer field that is now a parking lot. The ones that remember how great it was to grow up on Clearwater Beach.
This weekend was as therapeutic as it was difficult for me. Mom would be proud. She would have loved talking to the chefs and sharing her stories of finding the cook books and telling the stories of how she loved her cast iron pans that one of the chefs bough all of them. She would have loved the cat lovers that bought her cat statues and she would have even had choice words for the jack ass. That was mom.
And not only did all those people walk away with a treasure they all got a story and now they will have a memory of the lady in the big house that had saved all these things for so long for this weekend so that they could find them.
My brother and sisters did as we have done many times before and pulled together and worked hard for a common goal. Mom raised us to be a team and even through the difficult times we know when we need to walk away or when it is our turn to step up to the plate. And I can say this weekend we all hit home runs.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
When I see you again...
In this last year I have written about all of the emotions of taking care of a parent and the loss of that parent. And over the last 11 months have been working on clearing out that same parent's home. That home that we have all walked through the back door a million times and the home that same door was never locked. For years no one had a key because it was always open if someone was home and someone was always home.
I have shown you around the house. Told you stories of the kitchen and the tv room. Talked about holidays spent in the living room. But over the last year or so I have always found in the midst of whatever was going on in the house I really tried to hold it together but always found that when I get in the car and start to head off of the beach I usually feel compelled to call someone. Because it is in those moments that I am truly my saddest.
Last week when I left a friend called at that very moment and she could tell something was wrong and I told her that I was just leaving mom's and she said, "I called just to make you smile." Thank God she called. We talked and laughed my whole ride home.
Tonight as I left was no different but tonight I decided to tough out the drive home and then comes on the radio a song that made me cry. See you again by Charlie Puth. The words just hit me, "It has been a long day without you my friend, I will tell you all about it when I see you again." That was our ritual at night on my way home from work I called her. I told her about my day. She hadn't driven in two years so unless I took her out or someone else came and got her she was home so she always wanted to hear about what I did during the day and the same with when my brother got home from work. He would tell her about his day. Even at the end when she couldn't speak on the phone, I would call and talk to whomever was with her and tell them to tell her a few things and hear about her day. Some asked why I still called every night. Why would I stop?
The song goes on to say "Why did you have to leave so soon?, I know your in a better place but it is always gonna hurt", I know mom was ready and it was her time but we did have a lot of things yet to do. "We've come a long way from where we began" In this last year my brother and sisters have worked hard on getting the house ready to sell, garage sales and auctions and part of that has meant going through 40 years worth of stuff. Over the last week my brother has moved into his own house and we have all five of us worked together which up until now has not been easy but we are working hard together to get this job accomplished. Mom would really be proud of us. "Hold on to every memory" We have sorted through boxes and closets and still there is more to do but we are really close to having one last sale and it is amazing. We laugh when we find some old picture and some strange thing that only mom would have saved. I have seen what I thought would not happen come to life right before my eyes in the last week, "Give me all the strength I need to carry on."And in the next week we will be ready for the next part of this journey. "And every road you take will always lead you home" This I am not so sure of. I don't know if I will ever go back by after it isn't our home. I just want to remember it the way it was for the 40 years that my family held down the fort there. But there is one thing for sure mom: "Oh I'll tell you all about it, when I see you again."
I have shown you around the house. Told you stories of the kitchen and the tv room. Talked about holidays spent in the living room. But over the last year or so I have always found in the midst of whatever was going on in the house I really tried to hold it together but always found that when I get in the car and start to head off of the beach I usually feel compelled to call someone. Because it is in those moments that I am truly my saddest.
Last week when I left a friend called at that very moment and she could tell something was wrong and I told her that I was just leaving mom's and she said, "I called just to make you smile." Thank God she called. We talked and laughed my whole ride home.
Tonight as I left was no different but tonight I decided to tough out the drive home and then comes on the radio a song that made me cry. See you again by Charlie Puth. The words just hit me, "It has been a long day without you my friend, I will tell you all about it when I see you again." That was our ritual at night on my way home from work I called her. I told her about my day. She hadn't driven in two years so unless I took her out or someone else came and got her she was home so she always wanted to hear about what I did during the day and the same with when my brother got home from work. He would tell her about his day. Even at the end when she couldn't speak on the phone, I would call and talk to whomever was with her and tell them to tell her a few things and hear about her day. Some asked why I still called every night. Why would I stop?
The song goes on to say "Why did you have to leave so soon?, I know your in a better place but it is always gonna hurt", I know mom was ready and it was her time but we did have a lot of things yet to do. "We've come a long way from where we began" In this last year my brother and sisters have worked hard on getting the house ready to sell, garage sales and auctions and part of that has meant going through 40 years worth of stuff. Over the last week my brother has moved into his own house and we have all five of us worked together which up until now has not been easy but we are working hard together to get this job accomplished. Mom would really be proud of us. "Hold on to every memory" We have sorted through boxes and closets and still there is more to do but we are really close to having one last sale and it is amazing. We laugh when we find some old picture and some strange thing that only mom would have saved. I have seen what I thought would not happen come to life right before my eyes in the last week, "Give me all the strength I need to carry on."And in the next week we will be ready for the next part of this journey. "And every road you take will always lead you home" This I am not so sure of. I don't know if I will ever go back by after it isn't our home. I just want to remember it the way it was for the 40 years that my family held down the fort there. But there is one thing for sure mom: "Oh I'll tell you all about it, when I see you again."
Friday, January 6, 2017
Silent Night
Yesterday I was reading online about a story telling event coming up and the theme was music. It said to come tell a true story about music in your life. A song from when you were young that you loved or one you couldn't stand. It said no notes or props and you have 5 minutes to tell the whole story with a beginning a middle and an end.
Well being that Christmas has barely passed by and our tree is still up I thought of Silent Night.
Now anyone that knows me knows that Silent Night makes me cry. Just the thought of the words will bring me to tears. And I thought of all of the things in my life that have brought me to this point. I was trying to think of where to begin.
Do I start when I was young and how my mother loved Christmas? So many gifts, and that she would put up two Christmas trees in our living room one with traditional decorations and one with decorations we had made. She would save the ones we made from year to year and decorate with them. But it always seemed as we were decorating you know five kids and a couple parents and next thing you know there would be an argument over something and someone was getting in trouble and someone was going to their room. Well fast forward a few years and I just learned to avoid that whole experience and would not be around when it came time to decorate the tree. If your not there you can't get in trouble.
Dad who didn't have a long fuse or a lot of patience for the holidays, I remember him saying he didn't always know how to act because he didn't have a father while growing up. I was a little older when I heard of how he lost his father at Christmas.
Lets flash back about 40 years to 1950 my father he is about 7 years old and the tree is decorated and the house is all ready for Christmas and his father passed away on Christmas Eve. Well for those of you who didn't know back then in Ohio where my dad lived people didn't get laid out at a funeral home they were laid out in their own home. So there it is Christmas morning my dad and his two brothers and two sisters having Christmas with their dad laid out in a casket in their living room.
My uncle the youngest in their family recently told me that he didn't remember that Christmas he was only two but that his sisters had told him that he played with a car he got for Christmas along by his father that day.
We have gone from the 1970's to the 1950's and now to 1990 my grandmother, my dad's mom passed away on December 20. My grandmother loved Christmas. She always had a beautiful tree and it was the same every year and when I was a kid of my dad's brothers and sisters there was a time when we all lived within a mile of my grandma. That was 15 of 16 cousins most of which were young children at the time. We would all go to grandma's house on Christmas. She had a little chalk board by the front door and we would sign in when we got there. She would always take a picture of our names all crammed together. By 1990 however we weren't all as close in proximity and weren't all going to be able to go to grandma's for Christmas. But there we all were on Christmas eve at mass for my grandmother's funeral. Then back to her house for the wake. And the picture I have posted before that the whole family is in except for me. I went back to work.
I know I thought what a tragedy Christmas is for this family and how sad that is just to think such a thought.
So another 10 years have passed and I am now an adult and have found my way around the sadness that comes with Christmas. I have found that if I decorate the tree alone that there is no arguing. I just found as I got older my fuse got short around the tree and it was easier for me to just do that part alone.
2004 Christmas eve and there I am sitting in the same Church that we had my grandma's funeral all those years ago. Me and my youngest sister and her husband and her beautiful little baby boy. And that is the day that I remember for the first time that when the song Silent Night started to play and the words just rang in my heart. That little boy laying in his carrier next to me who when he breathed it sounded like a giggle. That little flap in his throat didn't close all the way and you would hear hee-eee, hee-eee.
By this time I have reached beyond the years that I would ever have a child of my own and this little baby was about the most beautiful thing in the whole world and all of my life and this reality all mixed together and when I heard the words, "Holy infant so tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace." I just started to cry. Still to this day I see the image in my head. Him in his little green onsie with a Christmas tree on the front.
Another 12 years later and I am sitting with my mom on Christmas Eve. She is bedridden after her second stroke and I am spending the evening wrapping presents and we are watching old home movies and I know in my heart this will probably be our last Christmas together and please God don't take her on Christmas.
But my mother the most stubborn person I know, knew that wasn't the way the story was going to end. We had our Christmas, just like in the past. The five of us all were together with her we shared gifts and stories and watched those home movies and there next to the fire place was that same tree.
That tree we decorated as kids. Now itself over 40 years old, with an ornament hanging on it that said Happy 40th Birthday from 2009.
So we have come to the end. This Christmas it was not the same. Now my mom is gone. But we went to church on Christmas Eve with my youngest sister and her husband and that little baby boy who is now 12 years old. There he was sitting across from me and when I heard the music start and I looked at his face and I heard hee-eee, hee-eee in my head and those words "Holy infant so tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace.
I don't know if that is the kind of story they are looking for but that is the story that came to me.
Well being that Christmas has barely passed by and our tree is still up I thought of Silent Night.
Now anyone that knows me knows that Silent Night makes me cry. Just the thought of the words will bring me to tears. And I thought of all of the things in my life that have brought me to this point. I was trying to think of where to begin.
Do I start when I was young and how my mother loved Christmas? So many gifts, and that she would put up two Christmas trees in our living room one with traditional decorations and one with decorations we had made. She would save the ones we made from year to year and decorate with them. But it always seemed as we were decorating you know five kids and a couple parents and next thing you know there would be an argument over something and someone was getting in trouble and someone was going to their room. Well fast forward a few years and I just learned to avoid that whole experience and would not be around when it came time to decorate the tree. If your not there you can't get in trouble.
Dad who didn't have a long fuse or a lot of patience for the holidays, I remember him saying he didn't always know how to act because he didn't have a father while growing up. I was a little older when I heard of how he lost his father at Christmas.
Lets flash back about 40 years to 1950 my father he is about 7 years old and the tree is decorated and the house is all ready for Christmas and his father passed away on Christmas Eve. Well for those of you who didn't know back then in Ohio where my dad lived people didn't get laid out at a funeral home they were laid out in their own home. So there it is Christmas morning my dad and his two brothers and two sisters having Christmas with their dad laid out in a casket in their living room.
My uncle the youngest in their family recently told me that he didn't remember that Christmas he was only two but that his sisters had told him that he played with a car he got for Christmas along by his father that day.
We have gone from the 1970's to the 1950's and now to 1990 my grandmother, my dad's mom passed away on December 20. My grandmother loved Christmas. She always had a beautiful tree and it was the same every year and when I was a kid of my dad's brothers and sisters there was a time when we all lived within a mile of my grandma. That was 15 of 16 cousins most of which were young children at the time. We would all go to grandma's house on Christmas. She had a little chalk board by the front door and we would sign in when we got there. She would always take a picture of our names all crammed together. By 1990 however we weren't all as close in proximity and weren't all going to be able to go to grandma's for Christmas. But there we all were on Christmas eve at mass for my grandmother's funeral. Then back to her house for the wake. And the picture I have posted before that the whole family is in except for me. I went back to work.
I know I thought what a tragedy Christmas is for this family and how sad that is just to think such a thought.
So another 10 years have passed and I am now an adult and have found my way around the sadness that comes with Christmas. I have found that if I decorate the tree alone that there is no arguing. I just found as I got older my fuse got short around the tree and it was easier for me to just do that part alone.
2004 Christmas eve and there I am sitting in the same Church that we had my grandma's funeral all those years ago. Me and my youngest sister and her husband and her beautiful little baby boy. And that is the day that I remember for the first time that when the song Silent Night started to play and the words just rang in my heart. That little boy laying in his carrier next to me who when he breathed it sounded like a giggle. That little flap in his throat didn't close all the way and you would hear hee-eee, hee-eee.
By this time I have reached beyond the years that I would ever have a child of my own and this little baby was about the most beautiful thing in the whole world and all of my life and this reality all mixed together and when I heard the words, "Holy infant so tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace." I just started to cry. Still to this day I see the image in my head. Him in his little green onsie with a Christmas tree on the front.
Another 12 years later and I am sitting with my mom on Christmas Eve. She is bedridden after her second stroke and I am spending the evening wrapping presents and we are watching old home movies and I know in my heart this will probably be our last Christmas together and please God don't take her on Christmas.
But my mother the most stubborn person I know, knew that wasn't the way the story was going to end. We had our Christmas, just like in the past. The five of us all were together with her we shared gifts and stories and watched those home movies and there next to the fire place was that same tree.
That tree we decorated as kids. Now itself over 40 years old, with an ornament hanging on it that said Happy 40th Birthday from 2009.
So we have come to the end. This Christmas it was not the same. Now my mom is gone. But we went to church on Christmas Eve with my youngest sister and her husband and that little baby boy who is now 12 years old. There he was sitting across from me and when I heard the music start and I looked at his face and I heard hee-eee, hee-eee in my head and those words "Holy infant so tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace.
I don't know if that is the kind of story they are looking for but that is the story that came to me.
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