This week we finally had an estate sale. I took the week off from work and finished organizing and cleaning out closets and emptying out boxes and we had a sale. I spent so much time there this week and am tired but I didn't realize I was going to have a Panic Attack well two. One on Thursday night because I didn't feel like I had gotten enough done and the other Saturday night because I could do no more.
Panic is like breaking your arm. You forget over time what it feels like but then when it happens again your like, oh yeah. This sucks. But with the help of some friends I got through it. And even though I am awake in the middle of the night I am feeling rested and have off today also for me.
I knew we would have all kinds of people come through the house but the ones that were Jack Asses really got me mad. The people that everything is too expensive and your not going to sell anything. I had one first thing Saturday morning and I am not a morning person and he pissed me off. I told him I didn't need his negativity so early in the morning and since he didn't have anything in his hands I couldn't do better on the price. One of my sisters walked by and I said, "what a jack ass." She turned and looked back and said, "he is still there." I didn't care.
It was the other people I never thought about. The people that were like mom and grandma, that loved to go to the sales and find a treasure and bring it home. The pastry chef from the Yacht Club who went through mom's cook books and was so excited by her finds. She said, "what a great collection mom had." So I showed her one of my favorites that mom would be glad to know she has, it was a Treasury of White House Cooking. On the first page it said, Jackie Kennedy Onassis returns to the White House. It had stories of when the Kennedy's were in the White House and other first families and some of their favorite things. She came back and sent one of the other chefs as well. I told her the second time she was there what it meant to me by her appreciating mom's cook books. I told each of my brother and sisters that story so they all knew someone else other than mom will love her stuff.
We also had a young bride-to-be that collects vintage Fisher Price toys for her future children that couldn't believe mom had saved all these toys from our childhood. And the Barbie collector with OCD and asthma that went through boxes of miss matched pieces. She bought Barbie's with missing limbs and heads that my mom saved. These are the people that I want to remember.
Our best customer as my sister said, "was the ad she didn't place." She had called to place an ad in one of the weekly little newspapers and was too late to get in but the lady on the phone said, sounds like a good sale and can I tell a few people anyway. Sure. So she came and her friends came and so on. People called people once they walked through the house and told others. My sister would say when they walked in the house walk through the whole house twice and you may see half of what it here.
The people I didn't count on were the neighbors that stopped in that didn't realize that mom had passed. One lady walked in and said, "where is Jeanne?" I lost it. I just started crying right there in the living room. We had a few and that was really hard but then there were the people that also grew up on the beach that we reminisced with. The ones that went to the Youth Center or sailed Prams. The ones who knew other people we knew back in the day. And the ones that remember Pier 60 and the old hamburger stand and the pool and the soccer field that is now a parking lot. The ones that remember how great it was to grow up on Clearwater Beach.
This weekend was as therapeutic as it was difficult for me. Mom would be proud. She would have loved talking to the chefs and sharing her stories of finding the cook books and telling the stories of how she loved her cast iron pans that one of the chefs bough all of them. She would have loved the cat lovers that bought her cat statues and she would have even had choice words for the jack ass. That was mom.
And not only did all those people walk away with a treasure they all got a story and now they will have a memory of the lady in the big house that had saved all these things for so long for this weekend so that they could find them.
My brother and sisters did as we have done many times before and pulled together and worked hard for a common goal. Mom raised us to be a team and even through the difficult times we know when we need to walk away or when it is our turn to step up to the plate. And I can say this weekend we all hit home runs.
Showing posts with label panic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic. Show all posts
Monday, January 16, 2017
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Old demons and New Year
I started this blog a while back but after yesterday I feel like I can finish because as everything is a cycle and I was in that same place again. If you go back before the days at Brighthouse before I was unemployed for a year. Before that I worked and worried a lot. Today I enjoy my job and the people around me but every now and then those old worries come back. I feel a pain or a cramp and it will manifest into panic. I used to look up what the pain was online. Almost all things could kill you just Google it. So no more self diagnosis.
So yesterday I was out of one of my prescriptions I knew it was ready at the store and I took the one at home and then drove to the store to pick up the other. I even bought a bottle of water to take it as soon as I got it. Then I opened the bottle and the pill looked different. Was it wrong? I called Brian at home knowing my old bottle was sitting on the counter in the bathroom. Just to verify it was the same. It was. But I still have the feeling something is not right. But it is, but it isn't. See how can I know something is right and still think something is wrong. Is my blood pressure to high. Was that the right pill?
So I spent the afternoon with my nephew. He played video games and after a while I was feeling better. We watched a movie and all was good. While he was here I got a call from the dr about another prescription I was getting refilled and they asked about my blood pressure. I said it has been good. But now that they are asking now I am wondering again. Is it to high. I can't take it. I would worry myself sick. So now I wonder am I ok or not. My sister picked up her son and now the time when I am totally free to do whatever I want. Before I could even think of doing anything. I was worrying that my blood pressure was too high. My face was getting hot. What is wrong?
Panic...If you do not know the feeling it is kinda like a prickly feeling all over your body after that first rush of adrenaline. I think the initial rush is like fight or flight. Some sort of defense to something that isn't even there. Because no matter what it is that starts the panic it is a process and takes time to come back down to defcon 5. (If you are not aware that is the Defense Condition measured between 1 and 5 and 5 is normal military readiness and 1 is the maximum state of readiness.) Learn something new everyday. I knew the term but did not know the definition until now.
The main thing I have to do is not think. But once the thoughts are going through my head it is really hard to get back to the normal, calm, quiet mind most people consider normal. But I couldn't get there on my own. I have a couple fool proof cures for this feeling. Guess what they are not pills. They are people.
See being alone is more difficult than being with others. With others or at work I can focus on anything else other than the thing that is trying to debilitate me. So last night I did my sure thing. I called a friend. I don't want to start right off with we need to talk about anything because I am crazy. Of course I have been reassured more than once that I am not but how can your brain know you are ok and at the same time worry that you are not.
To me it is like being on a ledge. Not a ledge I am going to jump from but one I am hanging on to. If I let go I don't know what will happen and that is what I worry about. What could happen? Trust me the list could be long but just like when you google what is wrong with you it always has and then you could die.
Yes that is unrealistic but when my head is in this spot it is hard for me to get out. If I hadn't called in the prescription the dr office wouldn't have called no panic. If I had picked up the pills yesterday and taken them together as normal no panic. Could something else had caused the panic? Sure. There is always the potential for something else but my health is the worst. So I have a little plan worked out that I am going to start doing a few things for myself and exercising more. It is going to be a regular thing and I am going to add writing back into being a regular thing. I know as the new year begins things will be good.
I want to thank the friends that talk to me in this state. There are only a few I trust with this fragile Jeanne. The wrong thing said can make it worse. But the best thing is just to talk about nothing. Sometimes 5 minutes is good sometimes an hour. But when I am back to feeling better it is such a weight lifted. Talking about things from years ago. Things that we have done. Things we want to do. Anything really as long as it is not about me and how I am feeling now. I sometimes wish I understood what it is and how it works as it happens. I am getting better at the process and making the feeling go away. A baby aspirin and a good nights sleep helps as well.
So to a Happy and Mentally Healthy New Year.
So yesterday I was out of one of my prescriptions I knew it was ready at the store and I took the one at home and then drove to the store to pick up the other. I even bought a bottle of water to take it as soon as I got it. Then I opened the bottle and the pill looked different. Was it wrong? I called Brian at home knowing my old bottle was sitting on the counter in the bathroom. Just to verify it was the same. It was. But I still have the feeling something is not right. But it is, but it isn't. See how can I know something is right and still think something is wrong. Is my blood pressure to high. Was that the right pill?
So I spent the afternoon with my nephew. He played video games and after a while I was feeling better. We watched a movie and all was good. While he was here I got a call from the dr about another prescription I was getting refilled and they asked about my blood pressure. I said it has been good. But now that they are asking now I am wondering again. Is it to high. I can't take it. I would worry myself sick. So now I wonder am I ok or not. My sister picked up her son and now the time when I am totally free to do whatever I want. Before I could even think of doing anything. I was worrying that my blood pressure was too high. My face was getting hot. What is wrong?
Panic...If you do not know the feeling it is kinda like a prickly feeling all over your body after that first rush of adrenaline. I think the initial rush is like fight or flight. Some sort of defense to something that isn't even there. Because no matter what it is that starts the panic it is a process and takes time to come back down to defcon 5. (If you are not aware that is the Defense Condition measured between 1 and 5 and 5 is normal military readiness and 1 is the maximum state of readiness.) Learn something new everyday. I knew the term but did not know the definition until now.
The main thing I have to do is not think. But once the thoughts are going through my head it is really hard to get back to the normal, calm, quiet mind most people consider normal. But I couldn't get there on my own. I have a couple fool proof cures for this feeling. Guess what they are not pills. They are people.
See being alone is more difficult than being with others. With others or at work I can focus on anything else other than the thing that is trying to debilitate me. So last night I did my sure thing. I called a friend. I don't want to start right off with we need to talk about anything because I am crazy. Of course I have been reassured more than once that I am not but how can your brain know you are ok and at the same time worry that you are not.
To me it is like being on a ledge. Not a ledge I am going to jump from but one I am hanging on to. If I let go I don't know what will happen and that is what I worry about. What could happen? Trust me the list could be long but just like when you google what is wrong with you it always has and then you could die.
Yes that is unrealistic but when my head is in this spot it is hard for me to get out. If I hadn't called in the prescription the dr office wouldn't have called no panic. If I had picked up the pills yesterday and taken them together as normal no panic. Could something else had caused the panic? Sure. There is always the potential for something else but my health is the worst. So I have a little plan worked out that I am going to start doing a few things for myself and exercising more. It is going to be a regular thing and I am going to add writing back into being a regular thing. I know as the new year begins things will be good.
I want to thank the friends that talk to me in this state. There are only a few I trust with this fragile Jeanne. The wrong thing said can make it worse. But the best thing is just to talk about nothing. Sometimes 5 minutes is good sometimes an hour. But when I am back to feeling better it is such a weight lifted. Talking about things from years ago. Things that we have done. Things we want to do. Anything really as long as it is not about me and how I am feeling now. I sometimes wish I understood what it is and how it works as it happens. I am getting better at the process and making the feeling go away. A baby aspirin and a good nights sleep helps as well.
So to a Happy and Mentally Healthy New Year.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
The Epitome of Me
I sometimes think that because I remember everything that I notice things that others may let pass them by. Maybe I read to much into things but sometimes I just have to believe that things happen for a reason and I have no control over them at all.
So last Sunday morning I woke up and felt a pain, discomfort but that old demon inside me said "This is the big one. Elizabeth I am coming to join you." Well not really that dramatic. If you did not get the Sanford and Son reference you have probably missed out a quality 70's program. But it doesn't have to be that big. See I get a little thing going and my mind goes overboard. Am I, aren't I. You don't want to be stupid. But then you look like a fool. Now no one told me that. Everyone was very kind. I even for warned them when I walked in the ER that I have had problems with anxiety and it could be nothing but when your blood pressure is what mine was it is hard to convince anyone that there is not something going on. Well next thing was an EKG. Surprisingly I felt so much better after the EKG I could have gone home. Really. But once they put me in room 32 the same room I was in the first time I went to the ER years ago with my first panic attack. Next to the room number is the word Acute. See again why it is bad to be me. I already know how they are gauging me and haven't even got in the room yet. I guess it is a good thing. They took everything serious. I told the nurse I had taken my medicine and a baby aspirin. I should have waited to panic but it is tough to be logical at this moment. Well she hooked me up to a heart monitor and it beeped every once in a while well that is really unnerving. I guess the beeping is good to a point but again. I knew how I had been before and the Dr had told me that my blood pressure would go down when the nurse was in the room with me. So I focused on the fact that they were not far. And pictured my lake with no ripples. A trick I learned after having panic attacks that if I picture a calming scene I could get back in control. Well when you feel like you are shouting in your head "Picture the Lake", it is much less effective. The beeping continued. The ER Dr said he would like to admit me and so it went. I thought about going home and going to work then he said. The test we did tells us what happened last night. Not what is going on now. So I stayed.
By the time I was in the room 309 I was tired. Very tired. The nurse was great. She got me some ice water. Showed Brian there was a area that they had snacks. Brian made us a peanut butter sandwich and I settled in for whatever was next. Did I mention they gave me an injection of Ativan in the ER. It is hard to panic after that. I slept off and on the afternoon away except for my time as a human pin cushion. See the test they did they do 2 more times. Each time they stuck me they pulled off two other taped over pieces of gauze to see if they missed sticking me anywhere. It is a good thing that stuff doesn't bother me. A Cardiologist came in and explained the blood test and that was about it. He said if all is good you go home in the morning. And he said he had checked out my Heart Cath results from 4 years ago and that my heart is good. He said you would really have to have abused yourself in the last few years to mess it up. So I felt better. Eat a meal, get stuck with a few more needles and be out of here. Well is life ever that simple. I told my sister I am going to relax and read and wait for the bartender and try to find the pool. That may have been the Ativan talking.
So Brian brought my book and we hung out. But he had to take care of the Princess and I am fine. So he went home to rest himself. The lady on the other side of the curtain had been in a few days. Saw her son and daughter-in-law but did not see her. While they were gone during the afternoon she turned on the TV and she was watching the World Cup in Spanish. So I said through the curtain,"So you like Soccer?" She said, "No, can not figure out how to change the channel". So I went over and asked what she like to watch. Funny first thing she said, Pawn Stars and Storage Wars. So I changed the channel but neither were on. I checked the Guide and asked ,"what do you think about Lucy." She said ,"that was good." So I went back to my book and napping. Her family came back and visited she ordered dinner and they went home to take care of her pets. She has two Cockatiels she told me. Her babies. When her food came I walked over and helped her. She was funny. Reminded me of Grandma. She didn't care what was on her plate as long as it came with mashed potatoes and gravy. Extra gravy. So I moved the potatoes to the plate she was eating off of and opened her gravy and talked to her for a few moments. Her boyfriend had died a few years ago and she has been alone since. She was about the size of my Grandma as well but she said her neighbors had been helping her with shopping but I knew this lady should not be at home alone.
I slept early but then about 3 AM my roommate was trying to get up. She was confused and looking for her son. I told her she was in the hospital and got the nurse to help her. She had to change her clothes and sheets so at this point we were all awake. And she kept asking for her son and the nurses explained the time and she was worried. So after they left I reassured her that he would be there in the morning. But again about 5:45 she tried again to get out of bed. I told her to stay where she was and I would get her some help. Called for the aid but no one came. Maybe I did not wait long enough. It is hard to be patient when you know this frail old lady could fall on the floor and hurt herself. So I got out of bed and walked into the hall and found my nurse. Explained and again they got my roommate back in bed and told her the time and that they would call her son in the morning. So as the nurses changed shifts she asked again and they tried to call but the number was written down wrong. He will be here soon enough they kept telling her. Well I had my breakfast because I wasn't sleeping anymore. Asked for a wash cloth, cleaned up, brushed my teeth and was ready to go. Except for the heart monitor and the gown. I called Brian to bring me some clean clothes. All I have to do is wait. Right. Because I was OK.
My roommate would not eat until her son came. Which he did finally get there. So I read, they visited. She ate her breakfast. They spoke of the reality that she may not be able to go home alone. This was a conversation that would be had numerous times throughout the day with many different members of the staff. It was sad but true. This lady as sweet as could be would not be safe home alone. This is where I feel bad. I know. I can not take her in. That is crazy but she has her birds and they mean the world to her. But her son reassured her that they could be taken care of until they got her someplace where she could have them.
Well I walked the halls about 5 times as the nurse said I should. She checked my heart monitor. All is good. Just waiting on the Dr. Any time now. Any time at all. I heard a Cardiologist in the hall from the same office as the Dr was from that I saw yesterday. I guess they think their voices don't carry passed the threshold if they are in the hall but it does. He said there were too many patients and he was going to need someone else to come see some of them. Then he was gone. Oh well. Just have to be patient. Now Brian brought my clothes. I changed my shorts and waited. I told the aid I will fix this I will order food for lunch then the Dr will come. Well it worked. The Dr that was seeing me for the Primary came in and said, I will call the Cardiologist and if all is good you can go home. Within a few minutes the Cardiologist came in and he was great. Explained some stuff about my EKG and left out just enough not to cause a panic attack. But he told me again. I am good. My heart is good and I can go home. He noted the situation with my EKG and you will not freak out the Dr's next time. Which is always great when you are not scaring your Dr.
So my food comes. Right on cue. The nurse removed the monitor and said, for me to eat and then she would remove the IV port last. Just in case, she said. So I ate. Brian had walked down to the lobby gift shop and my roommate's machines started beeping. Could have been an IV alarm. Not sure. I saw my nurse in the hall and said, something is beeping over there. The nurse cleared the alarm and went back in the hall. I finished up my food and again that alarm. Saw her nurse and said that beeping started again. So again the nurse came in and cleared the alarm. The nurse talked to her and left the room for a minute. Then came back with another nurse. Now I started worry. They did an EKG on her and I tried to think of anything else. Anything at all. I ate my sandwich as quick as I could and the nurse removed my IV port. By that time I think there were 4 or 5 more nurses and I told the nurse I needed to go before I ended up having to stay.
My roommates son came back and the nurses were explaining what was going on. I walked in the hall and there were more people pouring into the room. The nurse said she had called for a transporter but even she knew I did not need to see any more. She told another nurse she was walking me out. They had called for a Dr. I do not know what happened. I checked the Obits the first couple days. I thought if she did not make it I was glad I was there for her, her last night. If she did make it. I am still glad I was there for her that night. And that is the epitome of me. Me the person who doesn't know if she is having chest pains. Doesn't know why she panics but knows that when there is a person near that needs me I have to take care of them first.
So last Sunday morning I woke up and felt a pain, discomfort but that old demon inside me said "This is the big one. Elizabeth I am coming to join you." Well not really that dramatic. If you did not get the Sanford and Son reference you have probably missed out a quality 70's program. But it doesn't have to be that big. See I get a little thing going and my mind goes overboard. Am I, aren't I. You don't want to be stupid. But then you look like a fool. Now no one told me that. Everyone was very kind. I even for warned them when I walked in the ER that I have had problems with anxiety and it could be nothing but when your blood pressure is what mine was it is hard to convince anyone that there is not something going on. Well next thing was an EKG. Surprisingly I felt so much better after the EKG I could have gone home. Really. But once they put me in room 32 the same room I was in the first time I went to the ER years ago with my first panic attack. Next to the room number is the word Acute. See again why it is bad to be me. I already know how they are gauging me and haven't even got in the room yet. I guess it is a good thing. They took everything serious. I told the nurse I had taken my medicine and a baby aspirin. I should have waited to panic but it is tough to be logical at this moment. Well she hooked me up to a heart monitor and it beeped every once in a while well that is really unnerving. I guess the beeping is good to a point but again. I knew how I had been before and the Dr had told me that my blood pressure would go down when the nurse was in the room with me. So I focused on the fact that they were not far. And pictured my lake with no ripples. A trick I learned after having panic attacks that if I picture a calming scene I could get back in control. Well when you feel like you are shouting in your head "Picture the Lake", it is much less effective. The beeping continued. The ER Dr said he would like to admit me and so it went. I thought about going home and going to work then he said. The test we did tells us what happened last night. Not what is going on now. So I stayed.
By the time I was in the room 309 I was tired. Very tired. The nurse was great. She got me some ice water. Showed Brian there was a area that they had snacks. Brian made us a peanut butter sandwich and I settled in for whatever was next. Did I mention they gave me an injection of Ativan in the ER. It is hard to panic after that. I slept off and on the afternoon away except for my time as a human pin cushion. See the test they did they do 2 more times. Each time they stuck me they pulled off two other taped over pieces of gauze to see if they missed sticking me anywhere. It is a good thing that stuff doesn't bother me. A Cardiologist came in and explained the blood test and that was about it. He said if all is good you go home in the morning. And he said he had checked out my Heart Cath results from 4 years ago and that my heart is good. He said you would really have to have abused yourself in the last few years to mess it up. So I felt better. Eat a meal, get stuck with a few more needles and be out of here. Well is life ever that simple. I told my sister I am going to relax and read and wait for the bartender and try to find the pool. That may have been the Ativan talking.
So Brian brought my book and we hung out. But he had to take care of the Princess and I am fine. So he went home to rest himself. The lady on the other side of the curtain had been in a few days. Saw her son and daughter-in-law but did not see her. While they were gone during the afternoon she turned on the TV and she was watching the World Cup in Spanish. So I said through the curtain,"So you like Soccer?" She said, "No, can not figure out how to change the channel". So I went over and asked what she like to watch. Funny first thing she said, Pawn Stars and Storage Wars. So I changed the channel but neither were on. I checked the Guide and asked ,"what do you think about Lucy." She said ,"that was good." So I went back to my book and napping. Her family came back and visited she ordered dinner and they went home to take care of her pets. She has two Cockatiels she told me. Her babies. When her food came I walked over and helped her. She was funny. Reminded me of Grandma. She didn't care what was on her plate as long as it came with mashed potatoes and gravy. Extra gravy. So I moved the potatoes to the plate she was eating off of and opened her gravy and talked to her for a few moments. Her boyfriend had died a few years ago and she has been alone since. She was about the size of my Grandma as well but she said her neighbors had been helping her with shopping but I knew this lady should not be at home alone.
I slept early but then about 3 AM my roommate was trying to get up. She was confused and looking for her son. I told her she was in the hospital and got the nurse to help her. She had to change her clothes and sheets so at this point we were all awake. And she kept asking for her son and the nurses explained the time and she was worried. So after they left I reassured her that he would be there in the morning. But again about 5:45 she tried again to get out of bed. I told her to stay where she was and I would get her some help. Called for the aid but no one came. Maybe I did not wait long enough. It is hard to be patient when you know this frail old lady could fall on the floor and hurt herself. So I got out of bed and walked into the hall and found my nurse. Explained and again they got my roommate back in bed and told her the time and that they would call her son in the morning. So as the nurses changed shifts she asked again and they tried to call but the number was written down wrong. He will be here soon enough they kept telling her. Well I had my breakfast because I wasn't sleeping anymore. Asked for a wash cloth, cleaned up, brushed my teeth and was ready to go. Except for the heart monitor and the gown. I called Brian to bring me some clean clothes. All I have to do is wait. Right. Because I was OK.
My roommate would not eat until her son came. Which he did finally get there. So I read, they visited. She ate her breakfast. They spoke of the reality that she may not be able to go home alone. This was a conversation that would be had numerous times throughout the day with many different members of the staff. It was sad but true. This lady as sweet as could be would not be safe home alone. This is where I feel bad. I know. I can not take her in. That is crazy but she has her birds and they mean the world to her. But her son reassured her that they could be taken care of until they got her someplace where she could have them.
Well I walked the halls about 5 times as the nurse said I should. She checked my heart monitor. All is good. Just waiting on the Dr. Any time now. Any time at all. I heard a Cardiologist in the hall from the same office as the Dr was from that I saw yesterday. I guess they think their voices don't carry passed the threshold if they are in the hall but it does. He said there were too many patients and he was going to need someone else to come see some of them. Then he was gone. Oh well. Just have to be patient. Now Brian brought my clothes. I changed my shorts and waited. I told the aid I will fix this I will order food for lunch then the Dr will come. Well it worked. The Dr that was seeing me for the Primary came in and said, I will call the Cardiologist and if all is good you can go home. Within a few minutes the Cardiologist came in and he was great. Explained some stuff about my EKG and left out just enough not to cause a panic attack. But he told me again. I am good. My heart is good and I can go home. He noted the situation with my EKG and you will not freak out the Dr's next time. Which is always great when you are not scaring your Dr.
So my food comes. Right on cue. The nurse removed the monitor and said, for me to eat and then she would remove the IV port last. Just in case, she said. So I ate. Brian had walked down to the lobby gift shop and my roommate's machines started beeping. Could have been an IV alarm. Not sure. I saw my nurse in the hall and said, something is beeping over there. The nurse cleared the alarm and went back in the hall. I finished up my food and again that alarm. Saw her nurse and said that beeping started again. So again the nurse came in and cleared the alarm. The nurse talked to her and left the room for a minute. Then came back with another nurse. Now I started worry. They did an EKG on her and I tried to think of anything else. Anything at all. I ate my sandwich as quick as I could and the nurse removed my IV port. By that time I think there were 4 or 5 more nurses and I told the nurse I needed to go before I ended up having to stay.
My roommates son came back and the nurses were explaining what was going on. I walked in the hall and there were more people pouring into the room. The nurse said she had called for a transporter but even she knew I did not need to see any more. She told another nurse she was walking me out. They had called for a Dr. I do not know what happened. I checked the Obits the first couple days. I thought if she did not make it I was glad I was there for her, her last night. If she did make it. I am still glad I was there for her that night. And that is the epitome of me. Me the person who doesn't know if she is having chest pains. Doesn't know why she panics but knows that when there is a person near that needs me I have to take care of them first.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Princess
To be clear the title is not about me. I was going to write today about voting. I did. Vote, that is. But after being as productive as anyone, well at least as productive as I wanted to be today. I have an hour and could work on a blog. So I turned on the computer and the satellite radio and sat down with Princess (our dog) at my side. I looked down and I could not believe in the few minutes since we had come in from outside her head was so swollen. First I thought is it just the way she is laying. No. Panic. Her eyes are almost swollen shut. and her nose is swelling and she is starting to get welts on her back. More Panic. I have to get her a couple Benadryl. Brian said the other day when he was off that she got into something and he had to give her Benadryl as well.
I could not open the Benadryl. I had to use sissors to get the foil open and the longer it took the worse I was getting. Princess is not doing so well either. Do I take her to the vet? Give her the Benadryl first. So with a spoon full of cream cheese she swallowed the pills down. Now I can not write. I can not take my eyes off of her. I am crying. My poor girl. So instead of writing I sat on the couch next to her and watched her. Now as I said I had an hour. We are 20 minutes in and I got a damp washcloth and put it on her forehead to try to take down some of the swelling. Is she breathing normal? Am I? I got her a couple ice cubes and she licked at them. She can swallow. We are ok? Aren't we Princess? This is so hard she can not tell me how it itches but she is rubbing her face on my leg. She can not say that she is burning up but I can feel the heat coming off her forehead. I lift up her front legs and check her stomach. No welts there. No redness. Good. How is she breathing. So now I watch. The Benadryl is helping she is laying on the couch. She is not scratching. But I am watching her breath. Every time I see her side rise and fall I feel like I can breathe easier.
This was when I had the thought. I know why we don't have kids. I would worry myself sick. I know all of you have not been around forever but before we had Princess we had Kody. The Best Dog. Princess she is the Best Girl Dog. But Kody was the Best Dog. Kody had seizures for almost his whole 14 years we had him. And when it got to the end it was so hard for me. I had cooked for him the last year because his liver was failing and it was easier on his body and he would eat the home cooked meals. I would make him scrambled eggs and chicken and rice. I even took him to work with me for the last month. I tell you this because with all our animals we have ever had. When the end was near I was the Cat or Dog Hospice. I sat with them and fed them to the end. I was the Make a Wish come true for an animal and any other charity you can think of that does whatever it takes to make a human's life better at the end. Not every cat's last meal is grilled salmon but for my cats it was. I do not eat salmon but I went to the grocery and bought it for them.
After Kody passed away. It took me about 6 months before I even thought I could have a dog again. I missed him but was scared. Could my heart take this pain? To some people I know a cat is just a cat and a dog is just a dog. But these are my kids. Yes. I talk to them. I miss the cats and Kody all the time. Just like a relative. I remember things each would do or certain foods they would eat. We had a Persian cat Tiffany that would eat Fritos and spaghetti not together but she ate them. Kody would always make this lip smacking sound when he was getting ready to go to sleep.
So as I sit here and watch Princess I worry. Worry myself so much. Now the swelling went down and after the hour was up she looked much better or I would not have gone out to eat tonight. But as I left my friend Tracy's the worry came back. Was I wrong to leave Princess. She did look better. I wanted to stop at the grocery but then I thought I have been gone 2 hours what if she wasn't doing better. I should not have left.
Kody's last days I did not leave his side. For 4 days. Night and day. Inside, outside. Did not matter. I was there. Which when they say sleep deprivation is bad. It is very bad. Just ask the people in the emergency room 2 weeks later as I had my first panic attack or the next night when I had my second.
I did stop at the grocery. Grabbed the few things I needed and came home. Princess was not in the window when I pulled in the driveway but she was wagging her tail waiting for me when I walked in the back door. Her face is looking better. Still a little swelling above her eyes. Don't have any idea what it is that she is allergic to but I think we need to give her Benadryl regularly for a while. I would not want to have to leave and go to work with her looking like she did this afternoon.
I know she is a dog but she is my Princess. And I remember so much that it hurts to think that one day she will not be here. I know she is only 8 years old but I know nothing is forever and I will miss her one day like I miss Kody, Mary, Tiffany, Lillian, Blake, Gauge and Boo.
The anxiety of the end is real for me all the time. All the time that I think what if. It is not just a little what if. It is always the big what if. And to even say the words or type them could make them more real. The anxiety of loosing Kody took years to recover from. And still today I remember all of the panic, anxiety and sadness.
So much sadness. Now I can smile and remember. I used to just remember and cry. I am going to take a deep breath and hug my girl and go to bed and try to remember that both me and Princess are ok.
It took a lot of different things books, medicine and talking and quiet time to get better. I had to be brave to say I could have another dog and I will have to be brave again some day. Some day hopefully in the far off future I will once again be sad but will again have the memories of today to smile and remind me how much I cared for my Princess while she was here. And know that I treated her as with as much love as she gave to me.
Love you Pretty Girl.
I could not open the Benadryl. I had to use sissors to get the foil open and the longer it took the worse I was getting. Princess is not doing so well either. Do I take her to the vet? Give her the Benadryl first. So with a spoon full of cream cheese she swallowed the pills down. Now I can not write. I can not take my eyes off of her. I am crying. My poor girl. So instead of writing I sat on the couch next to her and watched her. Now as I said I had an hour. We are 20 minutes in and I got a damp washcloth and put it on her forehead to try to take down some of the swelling. Is she breathing normal? Am I? I got her a couple ice cubes and she licked at them. She can swallow. We are ok? Aren't we Princess? This is so hard she can not tell me how it itches but she is rubbing her face on my leg. She can not say that she is burning up but I can feel the heat coming off her forehead. I lift up her front legs and check her stomach. No welts there. No redness. Good. How is she breathing. So now I watch. The Benadryl is helping she is laying on the couch. She is not scratching. But I am watching her breath. Every time I see her side rise and fall I feel like I can breathe easier.
This was when I had the thought. I know why we don't have kids. I would worry myself sick. I know all of you have not been around forever but before we had Princess we had Kody. The Best Dog. Princess she is the Best Girl Dog. But Kody was the Best Dog. Kody had seizures for almost his whole 14 years we had him. And when it got to the end it was so hard for me. I had cooked for him the last year because his liver was failing and it was easier on his body and he would eat the home cooked meals. I would make him scrambled eggs and chicken and rice. I even took him to work with me for the last month. I tell you this because with all our animals we have ever had. When the end was near I was the Cat or Dog Hospice. I sat with them and fed them to the end. I was the Make a Wish come true for an animal and any other charity you can think of that does whatever it takes to make a human's life better at the end. Not every cat's last meal is grilled salmon but for my cats it was. I do not eat salmon but I went to the grocery and bought it for them.
After Kody passed away. It took me about 6 months before I even thought I could have a dog again. I missed him but was scared. Could my heart take this pain? To some people I know a cat is just a cat and a dog is just a dog. But these are my kids. Yes. I talk to them. I miss the cats and Kody all the time. Just like a relative. I remember things each would do or certain foods they would eat. We had a Persian cat Tiffany that would eat Fritos and spaghetti not together but she ate them. Kody would always make this lip smacking sound when he was getting ready to go to sleep.
So as I sit here and watch Princess I worry. Worry myself so much. Now the swelling went down and after the hour was up she looked much better or I would not have gone out to eat tonight. But as I left my friend Tracy's the worry came back. Was I wrong to leave Princess. She did look better. I wanted to stop at the grocery but then I thought I have been gone 2 hours what if she wasn't doing better. I should not have left.
Kody's last days I did not leave his side. For 4 days. Night and day. Inside, outside. Did not matter. I was there. Which when they say sleep deprivation is bad. It is very bad. Just ask the people in the emergency room 2 weeks later as I had my first panic attack or the next night when I had my second.
I did stop at the grocery. Grabbed the few things I needed and came home. Princess was not in the window when I pulled in the driveway but she was wagging her tail waiting for me when I walked in the back door. Her face is looking better. Still a little swelling above her eyes. Don't have any idea what it is that she is allergic to but I think we need to give her Benadryl regularly for a while. I would not want to have to leave and go to work with her looking like she did this afternoon.
I know she is a dog but she is my Princess. And I remember so much that it hurts to think that one day she will not be here. I know she is only 8 years old but I know nothing is forever and I will miss her one day like I miss Kody, Mary, Tiffany, Lillian, Blake, Gauge and Boo.
The anxiety of the end is real for me all the time. All the time that I think what if. It is not just a little what if. It is always the big what if. And to even say the words or type them could make them more real. The anxiety of loosing Kody took years to recover from. And still today I remember all of the panic, anxiety and sadness.
So much sadness. Now I can smile and remember. I used to just remember and cry. I am going to take a deep breath and hug my girl and go to bed and try to remember that both me and Princess are ok.
It took a lot of different things books, medicine and talking and quiet time to get better. I had to be brave to say I could have another dog and I will have to be brave again some day. Some day hopefully in the far off future I will once again be sad but will again have the memories of today to smile and remind me how much I cared for my Princess while she was here. And know that I treated her as with as much love as she gave to me.
Love you Pretty Girl.
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