New Beginnings

 It has been a while maybe too long since I wrote here regularly. For the last few years it has been one thing or another. A project for the museum, or a new display. During the pandemic I wrote daily and the time that followed I worked on compiling those daily posts into a book. That book I completed last night. The book itself has been done for a year. I have spent the last year battling formatting and trying to get it just the way I wanted it. Each time I thought I am going to just pay someone to do whatever it that needs to be done. I would hunker down and research the problem and I would figure out a way to do it myself. I can't say it will be perfection. I can only say it is truly a work of passion and resilience. This morning I ordered my proof paperback copy after working for a short time last night on finishing touches. Now I will move on to the next phase sharing that book with the rest of the world.

"New beginnings are usually scary" said Sandra Bullock in Hope Floats. "Endings are usually sad." "But it is the middle that is important." Well I guess I am at the new beginnings stage. I have been wallowing through endings are sad, and have been for months. It has just felt like an endless stream of sadness. 

I don't' want to be sad but our pretty girl Princess passed away in May. My girl. She spoke to us in bow- wow-wow voice. She would look at me with her cloudy cataract ridden eyes but that isn't what I saw. I saw a young girl who fought like hell to not be left behind. When she found us at the SPCA they told us she has been returned 3 times. I almost felt like they were either trying to talk us out of her but at the same time they were like you can take her home today. We had a 17 year old cat at home and they said just don't write that down. We went into a small pen with her and Brian got down on the floor and she played with him licked his face and when she was done she came over and sat on top of my feet. My pretty girl had won my heart with one fell swoop. 

She was 3 years old, 50 pound, black Shar pei mix, her little ears folded over on themselves and her tail curled up over her body and she wagged it when she was happy. That was all the time except when she was guarding me. We took her to obedience classes and we couldn't be at the same end of the room as the rest of the class. They called her reactive. We tried to do the exercise where we walk her on a leash between other dogs but that wasn't going to happen with out a lot of barking and pulling and scaring the daylights out of everyone in the room except for us. Years later we came across a lady that was a volunteer from that class at the park and she couldn't believe it was the same girl. She still pulled and barked but we learned how to distract her from whatever was too close and we  moved on. 

Now I am trying to do the same thing. Move on. Brian has been ready for another dog since the day she passed. But me I look at a dog or a picture of one and want to cry. The tears are hard to see through right now. I can make many similarities between Princess and Kody (our first dog). Medium size black dogs that wagged their tails. Each with their own issues. Kody had seizures his whole life. Princess had a reaction to the sun and heat. If she got too hot she would get welts all across her body and her face would swell up. She would truly look like a Shar pei then. Many trips to the emergency vet and a boat load of Benadryl. One day we figured out what was causing it and after that we could at least know what her exposure was and if a pill would do it or if we needed her to get a shot. She didn't fuss or cry she was a good girl as long as there was no other dogs in the vet. We would usually just ask to be put in a room so she didn't upset the others.

Since Princess had her reaction with the heat we would move her bed away from the fireplace in the winter so she wouldn't get too warm. One time Brian pulled her bed away and as he walks away she gets up and grabs the corner and pulls it back closer to the fireplace. The girl was no dummy. She knew just where she wanted to be.

Three days after Kody passed the day before my birthday in 2009 we made a trip to the emergency room for me. My first panic attack. I returned to the ER two more times in a week. After that I had to find a resolution to my panic. I met a beautiful soul of a counselor and after listening to me she gave me an assignment. Go home and write a letter to Kody and tell him everything you want to say. I sat down a few days later home alone and hand wrote 11 pages of memories and wishes and all that poured out of my soul for the Best Dog (what we called Kody). The first time I wanted to call Princess the Best Dog, I told her you are the best girl dog. I knew it would take a while before Kody would give up that name.

So as the time has passed since I last saw Princess pretty face. I have thought about that exercise of writing about what I missed but the feelings have been so raw I haven't been able to do that. As she was aging I was already mourning. I mourned what I had, what I was losing. We accommodated every need of hers as any good pet owner would. Couldn't jump on the bed cleared off the bench at the end of the bed for her to use as a step up. Couldn't make that jump we called it spotting her. We would spot her to make sure she got all the way up on the bed. Never would I have let her believe she wasn't the strongest dog in the world. Thinking about her jumping up, her favorite place to watch the world go by was the wooden trunk under our front window. She would jump up there and watch people, dogs & cats even the bunny rabbits in the front yard. She barked to let us know what was there. We would commend her on her watchful eye and tell her thank you pretty girl for letting us know. This was another thing that slowly slipped away. she stopped jumping up and she would bark from the ground, just knowing something was out there. It would make me sad. Knowing she couldn't do her thing. Towards the end she would be laying on the floor or the couch and barely lift her head and let out a single bark and put her head back down. But we knew what she was saying. 

The best Princess story at the front window was when she was young we would have K-9 police officers bring their dogs to our street. They would hide something and have the dogs look for it. One afternoon they were running the dog down the street and the German Sheppard stopped in front of our house made his way around our front yard the whole time Princess is warning him not to come a step closer to her house. He actually stopped and looked up at her then continued until he found the contraband. After that the police officer without his dog came up to our door and knocked. As he stood at the bottom of the step he realized he was looking in the eyes of the dog that was doing all the barking. When we opened the door he was surprised to find our pretty girl standing on top of the trunk barking in his face now that the door was open. He said I just wanted to meet the dog that made my dog stop working. LOL. I don't think they did that in front our house anymore.

As Princess was getting older she didn't want to eat dry food so I cooked chicken and rice for her just like I had Kody. One thing about dogs with seizures the medicine kills their liver. But we were able to help by feeding fresh food. Princess she loved scrambled eggs or anything on my plate. Just like with Kody I knew one day I would cry that I got the last bite of my own food. But my pretty girl would gobble up what ever I had made so fast I would say she couldn't even taste it. 

Princess was good with children and older people. When my nieces and nephew were young we could sit on the floor and as long as they weren't trying to eat we would be ok. If they were eating Princess would often deem them too slow and take the food out of their hands. She didn't understand why the kids would hold the food so long and the kids didn't know why Princess was eating their food. As for older people after my mother's stroke she stayed at our house for a few weeks. Princess was her companion. She went everywhere mom went. Mom would open the back door to smoke and let Princess out. Princess would come in for her treat. Mom couldn't go down the steps but I didn't like her smoking in the house so this was her compromise until there was someone to help her down the steps.

When we had Kody we had taken him on a few trips to North Carolina with us but Princess always stayed with one of my sisters. We did take her camping the first time we took out the RV. She was really good and sat on the bench in the back while we drove. She slept on the small bed with us at night. She loved the outdoors but it rained that weekend so we went for a few walks but spent most of our time inside. She was just a happy girl. she loved being with us. 

So many memories flood my brain. The time after Hurricane Irma we had no power after 5 days my first day off. I took her to Chick fil-a and drove through got me a sandwich and her some nuggets. We sat in the car at a park with the air running in the shade to cool off and eat our food. When we got home I was going to hose her down and when I went in the house to get on a bathing suit the power came on. Thank God. Not soon after that our fence was still down after the storm and she got stuck on her side with a board and had to have staples in her side. She didn't cry or whimper we didn't even know she was hurt until Brian went to pet her and he stuck his finger in the hole. No cone for the pretty girl though the vet tech suggested since it was going to be weeks with the staples to get her a t-shirt and tie a knot in the back to cover her side. She never messed with it at all. 

Speaking of Princess getting hurt about 3 weeks after those staples came out our girl was chasing a cat through the back yard, not our cat. Just one passing through the wrong yard. The cat went over the picnic table we had and Princess tried to go under. She ended up cutting a V shaped section out of her scalp. Don't know if they counted how many stiches that took but our regular vet was like you are going to have to take her somewhere else. The poor girl with her head split open and they couldn't stich her. Emergency vet here we come again. We were like really we just got done paying for the last emergency vet trip. And one more.  Another time she got into a scuffle with a opossum. The opossum scratched her eye lid she had to have 15 stiches.  Who would know we live just a block from the busiest street in our area. 

My pretty girl we could go on and on with memories and funny stories of things that you did. When you were a bad girl and when you were the best girl. When you were my pretty princess. I miss you everyday. 

Excerpt from a poem She is Gone by David Harkins

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

Thank you for the years of good times and good memories. The memories will live on as long as I do.

 

Princess

To be clear the title is not about me. I was going to write today about voting. I did. Vote, that is. But after being as productive as anyone, well at least as productive as I wanted to be today. I have an hour and could work on a blog. So I turned on the computer and the satellite radio and sat down with Princess (our dog) at my side. I looked down and I could not believe in the few minutes since we had come in from outside her head was so swollen. First I thought is it just the way she is laying. No. Panic. Her eyes are almost swollen shut. and her nose is swelling and she is starting to get welts on her back. More Panic. I have to get her a couple Benadryl. Brian said the other day when he was off that she got into something and he had to give her Benadryl as well.

I could not open the Benadryl. I had to use sissors to get the foil open and the longer it took the worse I was getting. Princess is not doing so well either. Do I take her to the vet? Give her the Benadryl first. So with a spoon full of cream cheese she swallowed the pills down. Now I can not write. I can not take my eyes off of her. I am crying. My poor girl. So instead of writing I sat on the couch next to her and watched her. Now as I said I had an hour. We are 20 minutes in and I got a damp washcloth and put it on her forehead to try to take down some of the swelling. Is she breathing normal? Am I? I got her a couple ice cubes and she licked at them. She can swallow. We are ok? Aren't we Princess? This is so hard she can not tell me how it itches but she is rubbing her face on my leg. She can not say that she is burning up but I can feel the heat coming off her forehead. I lift up her front legs and check her stomach. No welts there. No redness. Good. How is she breathing. So now I watch. The Benadryl is helping she is laying on the couch. She is not scratching. But I am watching her breath. Every time I see her side rise and fall I feel like I can breathe easier.

This was when I had the thought. I know why we don't have kids. I would worry myself sick. I know all of you have not been around forever but before we had Princess we had Kody. The Best Dog. Princess she is the Best Girl Dog. But Kody was the Best Dog. Kody had seizures for almost his whole 14 years we had him. And when it got to the end it was so hard for me. I had cooked for him the last year because his liver was failing and it was easier on his body and he would eat the home cooked meals. I would make him scrambled eggs and chicken and rice. I even took him to work with me for the last month. I tell you this because with all our animals we have ever had. When the end was near I was the Cat or Dog Hospice. I sat with them and fed them to the end. I was the Make a Wish come true for an animal and any other charity you can think of that does whatever it takes to make a human's life better at the end. Not every cat's last meal is grilled salmon but for my cats it was. I do not eat salmon but I went to the grocery and bought it for them.

After Kody passed away. It took me about 6 months before I even thought I could have a dog again. I missed him but was scared. Could my heart take this pain? To some people I know a cat is just a cat and a dog is just a dog. But these are my kids. Yes. I talk to them. I miss the cats and Kody all the time. Just like a relative. I remember things each would do or certain foods they would eat. We had a Persian cat Tiffany that would eat Fritos and spaghetti not together but she ate them. Kody would always make this lip smacking sound when he was getting ready to go to sleep.

So as I sit here and watch Princess I worry. Worry myself so much. Now the swelling went down and after the hour was up she looked much better or I would not have gone out to eat tonight. But as I left my friend Tracy's the worry came back. Was I wrong to leave Princess. She did look better. I wanted to stop at the grocery but then I thought I have been gone 2 hours what if she wasn't doing better. I should not have left.
Kody's last days I did not leave his side. For 4 days. Night and day. Inside, outside. Did not matter. I was there. Which when they say sleep deprivation is bad. It is very bad. Just ask the people in the emergency room 2 weeks later as I had my first panic attack or the next night when I had my second.

I did stop at the grocery. Grabbed the few things I needed and came home. Princess was not in the window when I pulled in the driveway but she was wagging her tail waiting for me when I walked in the back door. Her face is looking better. Still a little swelling above her eyes. Don't have any idea what it is that she is allergic to but I think we need to give her Benadryl regularly for a while. I would not want to have to leave and go to work with her looking like she did this afternoon.

I know she is a dog but she is my Princess. And I remember so much that it hurts to think that one day she will not be here. I know she is only 8 years old but I know nothing is forever and I will miss her one day like I miss Kody, Mary, Tiffany, Lillian, Blake, Gauge and Boo.

The anxiety of the end is real for me all the time. All the time that I think what if. It is not just a little what if. It is always the big what if. And to even say the words or type them could make them more real. The anxiety of loosing Kody took years to recover from. And still today I remember all of the panic, anxiety and sadness.
So much sadness. Now I can smile and remember. I used to just remember and cry. I am going to take a deep breath and hug my girl and go to bed and try to remember that both me and Princess are ok.

It took a lot of different things books, medicine and talking and quiet time to get better. I had to be brave to say I could have another dog and I will have to be brave again some day. Some day hopefully in the far off future I will once again be sad but will again have the memories of today to smile and remind me how much I cared for my Princess while she was here. And know that I treated her as with as much love as she gave to me.

Love you Pretty Girl.