I have been a little slacking on the blogging front. You know the feeling when things are going good and you don't have anything to worry about. In those times I don't really have a lot to say. Pre-vacation euphoria. Vegas was Great. Brittany's birthday was a success. Did not rest much those last few days but would have liked to squeeze more in. Life is good. Then Bam. Back to reality.
So my anxiety level is up since returning. Lots of things going on. Brian reminded me today that sometimes I absorb other people's anxieties and worries but I have plenty of my own. I just don't like the feeling that my skin is electrified. Maybe vibrating. Not chills but actual vibrations. I have to go back to my ninja training to remember to picture a lake with no ripples. This is the picture I use to calm my heart rate. I imagine something a photographer told me once. Clyde Butcher who takes incredible images of The Everglades showed us a picture and said that he was in the water when taking this particular shot and he was using a large format camera which is probably about 60 or 70 lbs of tripod and camera. The tripod is in the water so that he has the least motion he floats during the exposure and the ripples you see in the water is from his heart beating and him breathing. So I try to picture that and make my heart beat so slow that it would not cause a ripple in the water.
Another trick I use is the deep breathing like I am blowing up a balloon and letting the air out. Deep breath in... Then long breath out... and count One...Two... One...Two... This does two things slows my breathing and all the thoughts that are zipping through my head have to pause for me to count. These things probably seem silly to those of you who do not worry. Those of you whose thoughts pass through your brain smooth as an ice cold lemonade on a summer day. Well Thank God for you.
Funny thing about anxiety. Some people like to talk through it others are quiet. I am the quiet one who wants to sleep through it. Oh yeah they call that depression. It is but not. That t-shirt I have hanging in the closet you know like "Got Milk" mine could say "Got Depression" or "Got Anxiety". I laugh but when these feelings come back after being gone for so long. I wonder why. Life, Work, Family all of it contributes I guess but now that I am over the cliff, I am just trying to bring myself back to where I was. Pull myself back up over the cliff. Which reminds me that I am not always strong in this category. Not sure I can do it. Always questioning if what I am doing is right or not. This is crazy. No. Not crazy, just depressing. Suffocating.
I want to be successful but when I get these feelings I am not sure I can. Sometimes it seems easier to fail. I know this does not seem like something I would say but it is how I feel. I am not to the point of tears at the drop of a hat but I am not far off either. Wish I understood what makes me this way. Mentally, physically. But there is no blood test for this. It is life and life is a work in progress. So I will reflect back on previous posts and remind myself that I have gotten through worse before and again this feeling will pass.
So as I climb this mountain that the top is fogged in and not sure where the crevasses are either. I know I can make my way to the top. I have to. Others rely on me to show them the way.
