Twice in one week

 Here I am late at night up when I should be sleeping. I sat on the couch scrolling through videos it always starts with a dog video. Tatum... He talks about loving to eat nuggets. But other dogs use the same voice are they the same family? It confuses me I keep scrolling. Now somehow it is Susanah Hoffs singing an acoustic Manic Monday. I really like that. Instead of these silly videos playing again, it should have a continue button so you can see more of that song or video. Then I see she is 65 and she has written a book. I don't need a life story just because I like the song. Then Pink singing Learn to Love Again. This song has so many memories attached but I only know why. So then two more videos and more Pink and then more Pink why? Now Robin Williams pops in and back in the day I never thought he was on drugs. I guess I should have known but I don't know many people that did drugs so how would I know. And then how do we get to Jim Carey talking about being depressed and Depression is your body saying you need a deep rest or so he says and I think, this could be something but I don't really care for Jim Carey and then Robert Downy Jr talking about recovery and Ben Affleck talking about it as well and this guy Jelly Roll I have heard the name but had no idea who he was. Again. I don't drink or do drugs so why a focus on recovery?

The more I scroll we have John Denver and Carly Simon, Phil Collins and I am starting to believe I am in the right space but where the heck did Hansen come from. Acoustic MMMBop. What in the world, that is from 1997 I thought it was after 2000, for sure. What do I know about boy bands, I was 30 years old then.

The more you scroll the weirder it gets. I am not sure how the thing works. Sometimes I relate and sometimes I don't but that doesn't mean it isn't going to keep sending me the same message. Which is weird because I keep scrolling oh thank goodness finally another Tatum video, or was it Apollo really do they belong to the same family? So, I googled it. Still don't know the answer. Same voice or very similar. Does it matter not really. Just funny they love their nuggets and Princess loved nuggets so I love them. 

At 1:30 in the morning, the only thing that matters is getting this stuff out of my head and on the screen so my brain can go to sleep.  I know they say you should put down your devices before you go to bed but I had already slept a few hours before I woke and couldn't fall back asleep. Richard Prior talking about God and now I know I have gone down a rabbit hole with Robin Williams playing Moses, where the heck is Billy Crystal and Whoopi? Where is REM or am I finding my religion or Losing it? Then some Matchbox 20 and Carly Simon. It is a Landslide... I love that song but again. I would like to hear the whole thing. Seasons in the Sun sung by a family not the original moving on but thanks I do love that song. Now the funny thing is if Facebook and Youtube are all owned by the same people and Google is always watching what I am doing. Don't they know I like the original Seasons in the Sun and of course, I love 90s country but none of that tonight just a version of Olivia Newton-John singing Country Roads when it was new. 

I am sure if you are still reading you are wondering why I continue typing. Why does this big muscular guy tell me I am a valuable human being. How does he know? What does he know about being a girl but he did tell me he would help me carry the weight that I carry by saying look at these shoulders. They can carry anything and along with me so can you. I am tough. I am weak. I am sad and at times I am depressed. I don't think I need to recover from anything but maybe I do. I know being funny is a coping mechanism. I have been doing it my whole life. I now get a much bigger laugh because I am quiet and when I say something that is truly ironic or funny or sarcastic it is a surprise, to most. I just think there she is... 

Well it is 2am. I know that isn't the Matchbox 20 song but how about Maroon 5 Hears to the ones that we lost. Oh and Creed. I didn't realize how much 90s music I like. Now again. I would have thought Creed much earlier than Hansen but not really. But did people who listened to Creed listen to Hansen? I leave all these videos with more questions than answers. And a great place to end a little carpool karaoke with George Michael. Man oh man. Now let me sleep. Please.

Reading and Writing and Stuff

So back in April I wrote a post about being Sentimental or is it Sediment. I just finished re-reading it and well. I wish I could say that my position on the subject had changed or that I have found the answer or seen the light. I have not. I am still wrestling with the stuff and the memories. Now I am not saying that we have not gotten rid of more stuff. A total of 11 bags of clothes have been donated and about 4 thrown out which is amazing considering the lady only wore about 3 outfits. And I am not talking kitchen garbage bags I am talking 30 gallon outdoor trash bags. Since then I have taken some 10 boxes of stuff to an antique auction and am still waiting for the results of how that has done. So stuff is going away. Craigslist has not been the help I thought it would be to get rid of some of the furnishings but I am going to post the items again. Now that it is time for kids to go back to school maybe some first time apartment owner could use a dining room table and chairs or a bookshelf. I could only hope that they would also want the books on the shelf as well but I doubt we will be that lucky.

The thing that I have kind of morphed my thoughts of my mom's stuff and her memory to me and my stuff and the memory of me. If mom's stuff doesn't matter to others than neither will mine and I have devalued myself to a place I would prefer not to be. There are things that the memories are so strong when I look at in her house and I think no one is going to look at anything and hold me that dear. I will give the strangest example: My mom had a cat years ago that would pee on anything to mark it. So to keep the cat from peeing on mom's shoes she used to pick them up and sit them on a dining room chair. Well the cat died years ago but mom always continued to pick up her shoes and sit them on the chair. And after she passed I noticed one day the shoes sitting on the chair and I thought to pick them up and throw them out. And then I looked at them. Hmm. I see them in my head right now and the tears are running down my face. It is just a stupid pair of deck shoes but I swear if they are tossed now I would be so upset. It has been suggested to me to take a picture of them to remind me of her habit. I know I am not going to bring the chair and the shoes to my house to sit in my dining room. I will end up getting rid of them but for now they sit there.

So my own new found personal lack of value is a self destructive thing that I know is just over thinking the whole thing. But the great thing about my brain is I just don't let go of it. The thoughts sit in my head and get stirred around within my daily thoughts and now I found myself wishing for happier thoughts and brighter days.

I am hoping by writing these things down that I can let them go. I have thought them they are of no value to me and now they can be gone. I am going to say on a positive note that even though I have not posted anything recently I have written some. Still not finished with a poem that I carry in my purse just in case the thoughts to complete it all come together one day when I am not near pen and paper. But I also have attended a reading of fiction and non-fiction at an art gallery in St. Pete. It was very nice and I did read the piece I wrote for mom. Yes, I cried but when I was done the lady in charge said that mom would be proud of me for reading it. And another lady said she wished she would have written after her mother passed. So over all that was a good experience and I would like to write something new between now and September when there will be another reading event. Something a little less close to my heart even though that is where the writing comes from so I doubt I can distance my heart from my writing.

Well the sun is starting to come up and I feel a little bit better. I have shared a memory or two and spilled more tears and of my guts than I probably should but I will head back to bed.

Hear is to happier days.

Happy Birthday, Derby Day, Mother's Day

Back in August of 2012 I wrote my first blog. Not to be famous or to bad mouth others but to find an outlet for my own feelings and emotions. So this week was the anniversary of one of the traumatic events that got me to start writing.
This week is also Mother's Day and the Kentucky Derby. Now I know that in most houses none of these things have to do with the other but in my house the Derby and mom and grandma always went hand in hand. Mom and Grandma were both from Louisville, Kentucky the home of Churchill Downs and the Kentucky Derby both their birthday's were withing a week or so before the Derby and just a few weeks before Mother's Day most years. Going to the Derby has been on my bucket list as long as I wanted to go to Times Square for New Year's Eve which I did for the year 2000. I am far from a fancy person but for that day I will wear a dress and flat shoes and a moderate hat but none the less appropriate for the Derby. I will drink mint juleps as though it were my God given right. The only thing I won't be able to do is call mom and grandma when I am done with the day and tell them how wonderfully long the day was and how amazing the hats and the clothes were and the number of famous people we see that day.
Today as most Derby Day's I watched the pre race festivities the early card races and enjoyed the call for riders up, the Post Parade and the singing of My Old Kentucky Home (which Brian used to believe was a song written about a house I lived in, in Kentucky) update babe: I never lived in Kentucky. Still makes me laugh. And then the fastest 2 minutes in sports. A new person at work was sitting with me this week and I spoke of the Derby and she being all of 20 years old did not know what the Kentucky Derby is. If you have somehow read this far and don't either please Google it or ask Cortana or your friend Seri.
So I did not talk on the phone today through all of this or watch with mom and grandma as we have in the past. One year we took the kids all down to mom's and made Derby hats and made bets on the race and watched it together. That was probably in 2011 or so. Funny how the time flies by and somethings will always stay with me. Like the Derby that I had 2 of my nieces over for and explained about betting and gave them each a quarter to bet on the race. They may have been 5 and 7 or so but the older of the two decided that she just liked that I gave her a quarter and she wasn't going to risk betting. I told her that was a choice she could make. It was so cute.
I try to share these bits of family history and tradition with the kids and recently I have been reminded by the fact that mom is gone that I have no one to pass my knowledge or love for any of these things on to. I have no children to instill my beliefs in or to share my joys with. This was something that when I was of the age of everyone around me is having children was a reality I did not want to accept, yet here I am of the age where my friends are now becoming grandparents and again it is brought to the forefront in my life. And since with the recent death of my mother I have been reminded of the 5 steps in grieving. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I realized I have done rather well with my anticipatory grief (fancy term for grieving before the person passes). This is my thing. I am sad before and even though I know I did everything that I needed to do for the person. It may not have been everything others wanted from me, or everything others expected but it was exactly what I could do. But in anticipation of not being able to save the person I grief for their loss ahead of time. I want for one more day while I still have days and want to make better what I cannot change. But after the loss of a person that I have grieved for ahead of time it
gives me acceptance. Something that a lot of times in my life I fall short of accepting myself. And here we are back to the fact that I never had children. It was not for a lack of trying but I always said God  and I didn't see it the same way. Even today I have all the signs of grief for a child I never had and life I did not live. I do accept the way my life is and don't want to adopt. This may be fear of acceptance by the child or fear of not being good enough to some stranger. That is all on me.
Since over these last few months I have struggled with what to write at times for fear of sharing someone else's sorrow or opening up someone else's wound I decided tonight that my wounds are the only ones I am speaking of and always have been. I am not going to stop writing for fear of what others think this is purely a selfish act which a dear friend reminded me this morning that I don't have enough of. So I am going to work to accept the things that I cannot change and I will write the things that I would have shared with my kids in hopes that one day someone else's children will find what I have written and think I didn't know that about my family. And that will be my way to share my history with the future generations even if they are not my children. Happy Mother's Day Mom and Grandma (both Grandma's for that matter).
 

New Year New Things

So. Out with the old and in with the new. I feel much better today than I did last week this time. I have set some goals and they say if you tell others you are more likely to keep them. Well I also read it is easier to do multiple things once you start the first.

I am starting with a short list of things I want to do this year.

Write more.

Cry less.

Exercise more.

Eat better.

Like I said short list. So I have started off with writing more. I wrote a blog on the 3rd and here it is only the 8th and writing again. Good start. Right direction. Cry less. Talked to someone yesterday about that. And am feeling in a much more positive mood since I woke up yesterday. This does not change over night. Come on I may be depressed at times but I am not manic. I know people that are and wow. Their mood swings will knock you over. So again baby steps. I want to do more things but I always seem to never have time. Don't know if it is the fact we are on the up swing of winter. The days are now getting longer. I know it has only been a few weeks since but more sunlight is better for me than the darkness. Get it sunshine and shadows. I need more light and less dark. So again. I feel like I am moving forward.

On the exercise and eat better front. I walk at work. Usually it is a lap and a half around the building that I work in on my 15 minute breaks. I don't like to walk when it is dark so I have only been walking once and if the weather isn't good. I don't walk but yesterday it was nice out and I walked 2 and a half times around the building and still had time to spare and wasn't out of breath and felt pretty good when I was done. I also bought myself a new exercise game for the wii and am looking forward to trying it out tomorrow when I am off. Don't like to exercise with an audience. Which brings me to my whole new year new me plan. We just had a shift bid at work and I have the same days off but will be going into work an hour later 4 days a week. So I will have one hour 4 days a week to myself before work. The plan is for that to be me time. Turn off the tv and do what I want to do before I have to leave for work. Exercise, write and cook.

 Now as for the eating better. I have been doing baby steps for a long time but my body doesn't seem to care what I cut out. You know quite a while back I cut out soda. I now have about one soda a week. Sometimes not even that. I drink unsweet tea with lemon please. The lemon is for my throat. I talk a lot at work and like the soothing lemon in my tea. So then I cut out fries. If I eat fast food I will just get a sandwich and a drink. Tea. Then I decided I could cut out the bread sometimes and just get chicken nuggets at  Chick-fil-a but I am getting sick of them and the calorie difference isn't that much. So I must do something else. I do like real food and I do like to cook but when you get up at 10 and have to be at work at 12:30 and have no ambition. Well it isn't often that I have gotten up in the last year and cooked something before work. I have put a few things in the crock pot but with Brian's picky taste and no veggies for him it is hard to come up with things to make that are different. But I am going to try to make vegetable and eat them more.

Speaking of vegetables, yesterday I was told my weepiness is in part due to my body not producing enough serotonin. And I looked online very carefully for foods that help your body produce more. Funny first thing was spinach. I find it funny because all my life I have been anemic and it wasn't until 3 years ago I had a blood transfusion and a procedure to help with that and I am much better on that front. The funny part people say eat red meat to help with anemia but I always ate spinach to try to help because anything beats an iron pill. Trust me on that one. But the symptoms of anemia and depression well I know they are not the same but the same things are on the list so when I was already tired and rundown from my anemia and then you add a little depression for good measure. I never had the energy to do anything. So just one more ironic (get it iron-ic) thing for me to improve on this year.

My hour of writing is up and that was one of the goals to make it so I could do something productive in an hour and get on with my day. I really wanted to write today about history and Florida and that Clearwater turns 100 years old this year. Guess I will save that for another day. 

Have a great day and Happy New Year.

Anxiety

I have been a little slacking on the blogging front. You know the feeling when things are going good and you don't have anything to worry about. In those times I don't really have a lot to say. Pre-vacation euphoria. Vegas was Great. Brittany's birthday was a success. Did not rest much those last few days but would have liked to squeeze more in. Life is good. Then Bam. Back to reality.

So my anxiety level is up since returning. Lots of things going on. Brian reminded me today that sometimes I absorb other people's anxieties and worries but I have plenty of my own. I just don't like the feeling that my skin is electrified. Maybe vibrating. Not chills but actual vibrations. I have to go back to my ninja training to remember to picture a lake with no ripples. This is the picture I use to calm my heart rate. I imagine something a photographer told me once. Clyde Butcher who takes incredible images of The Everglades showed us a picture and said that he was in the water when taking this particular shot and he was using a large format camera which is probably about 60 or 70 lbs of tripod and camera. The tripod is in the water so that he has the least motion he floats during the exposure and the ripples you see in the water is from his heart beating and him breathing. So I try to picture that and make my heart beat so slow that it would not cause a ripple in the water.

Another trick I use is the deep breathing like I am blowing up a balloon and letting the air out. Deep breath in... Then long breath out... and count One...Two... One...Two... This does two things slows my breathing and all the thoughts that are zipping through my head have to pause for me to count.  These things probably seem silly to those of you who do not worry. Those of you whose thoughts pass through your brain smooth as an ice cold lemonade on a summer day. Well Thank God for you.

Funny thing about anxiety. Some people like to talk through it others are quiet. I am the quiet one who wants to sleep through it. Oh yeah they call that depression. It is but not. That t-shirt I have hanging in the closet you know like "Got Milk" mine could say "Got Depression" or "Got Anxiety". I laugh but when these feelings come back after being gone for so long. I wonder why. Life, Work, Family all of it contributes I guess but now that I am over the cliff, I am just trying to bring myself back to where I was. Pull myself back up over the cliff. Which reminds me that I am not always strong in this category. Not sure I can do it. Always questioning if what I am doing is right or not. This is crazy. No. Not crazy, just depressing. Suffocating.

I want to be successful but when I get these feelings I am not sure I can. Sometimes it seems easier to fail. I know this does not seem like something I would say but it is how I feel. I am not to the point of tears at the drop of a hat but I am not far off either. Wish I understood what makes me this way. Mentally, physically. But there is no blood test for this. It is life and life is a work in progress. So I will reflect back on previous posts and remind myself that I have gotten through worse before and again this feeling will pass.

So as I climb this mountain that the top is fogged in and not sure where the crevasses are either. I know I can make my way to the top. I have to.  Others rely on me to show them the way.

The News

I have said many times since I started writing my blogs that we do not watch the news anymore. I have wondered through the last year and thought I might be missing out on what is going on in the world but every time I turn on the TV or I am somewhere where there is a TV on I find that I am not missing out on anything good. So now I must seem like some sort of hermit to the rest of the world. Not knowing what is going on. But that reminds me of a tour guide we had in Yellowstone, he told us that he lived in Yellowstone year round and that they do not get any TV reception and if it is not on the top half of the USA Today he does not know it happens. That was his daily news to stop and read the headline through the window on the Newspaper box. Well I now think this would be bliss.

Well today I went to eat at one of my favorite places for a late breakfast. Taking a couple mental health days alone. Just been getting a little to close to the edge lately and feel like I am on the brink. The anxiety and the tears are right there and I really can't explain why.

Just like a lot of places there is a TV on. It is on CNN. Nothing against CNN but is there never a good story to tell anymore. So my brunch included The memorial service for the bombing victims in Boston and a Sink Hole in Chicago that swallowed 3 cars with video footage of one of the cars falling into the hole and for the icing on the cake a Fertilizer Plant in Texas blew up. This was all in about 30 minutes.

All of these things I would not have to know if I wouldn't have looked. But with the TV on I guess I get the feeling if I'm not paying attention I will miss something. Or maybe just hoping some good will shine through at the end. Well I would be ok with not knowing. The image of a man who was clearly in the Fertilizer Plant during the explosion with cuts and blood splattered on his face must make for excellent ratings but makes for a terrible partner for a meal. I was trying to think back to when this obsession started. I guess the first Gulf War. So much could be watched live on TV 24 hours a day with only breaks for commercials and if it is just to terrible to break away for a commercial we will run them side by side like a Nascar race or keep the Crawl scrolling across the bottom of the screen. Why have we become a people obsessed with knowing everything terrible right away.

I usually get my news at work and that is where I was when the bombs went off in Boston. This is a subject I was not going to write about. I don't know why. But I wasn't going to. But I feel like as I wrote in December in What have we become? again another group of Americans are again going to start the process. The Grief. The Anger. The Pain. Hopefully the Healing.

Those viewers who soak up the news and feed off knowing everything. I just wonder if the people doing these horrible things are doing them for you. Not personally but to have their 15 minutes to be on TV. Or do these people committing the crimes just want to show how smart they are. By watching the play by play the of the police trying to solve the crime. Is the news their own Law and Order, Criminal Minds or CSI? See if they see them self on TV. I know these are pretty sick images of Human Beings but how or why else. The only word for me is Terror. The excitement of knowing others are running scared and the person committing the crime feeds from it. This is why I was not going to write about the bombing. It paints a bleak picture. And my words are painting images that no artist would put brush to paper to create.

So here we are for the I don't know how many times I am going to plead that the people hurt heal both mentally and physically. And again for those obsessed with knowing  I said it best in December "I think the best we could collectively do as a people is turn off the damn tv for the next week and let their advertising dollars go straight to hell", that continue to show the pain and suffering of others. The people showing these images do not know the effect it has on some. And would make a story of the suffering if they could make a buck.

I am sure there is no Beautiful World Channel because who would watch, but I know it is getting to the point that I would not be the only viewer. I love to watch Aerial America on Smithsonian and there used to be a show on called Sunrise and it was that first hour in the morning as the sun rose over some place any place. I saw ones that were from Tibet and Maine and the Everglades. The Sunrise showed the natural sounds of the morning Frogs and Birds letting each other know it is time to start another busy day. There was another show that showed different places from a Hot Air balloon. These shows are full of beauty, architecture, culture and history.

I will end with a happy image. How about a show of elementary school kids getting off the bus the last day of school in the summer full of anticipation and excitement for the summer ahead. Showing off their awards for perfect attendance or a prized picture made for their mom to mark the end of another great school year and a beginning of a fun and adventurous summer. Now that must bring back some memories and make you smile. It does me and there they are the tears again...

Grief

Cbarlie Brown says it best Good Grief.

Leading up to this interview tomorrow, scratch that today. It is 1:30 AM and here I am. My head spinning and I am wide awake.

I was thinking how has this LOSS changed us over the last year. Well as for me. I have Grieved. Now since I have been through this before like anyone who has had a loss. I think the magnitude and the way that this has happened has made this different.

In reading the steps of Grieving it says how you accept the loss of your loved one. Well, How 'bout loved 3. So is that 3 times the grief. 3 times the Anger, 3 times the Guilt, 3 times the Depression, 3 times we will start to recover and 3 times we will start working through this and 3 times we will start to feel the Acceptance.

I have spoke in my blog of Lisa and Amber both I knew. Even though we lived apart what I did not know  personally I learned a lot from Brian. He has told me stories about Lisa and their brother when they were kids and he has told me of times with Lisa and Hugo. Here is a great story he told me of a trip he took with Lisa and Hugo when Amber was a toddler. They were crossing from Texas into Mexico and Amber had a potty chair along for the ride. Well she used it right before they got to the border and the officers thought that by Lisa spraying perfume in the car to cover the odor of the potty chair that they were possibly covering up something else. Well this little event earned Amber the nick name Poo-poo head. Uncle Brian would talk to her on the phone and ask how his little poo-poo head was. Or is that you poo-poo head. She would kill me for telling that story in public as an adult but then again maybe not. Just another memory to share.

But I have stayed away from Lilly. Lilly is a whole nother ball of wax. I did not know her. I did not ever get to hold her or talk to her. I can not even try to list all the things that I will never get to do with her. If you think that kind of sadness can be accepted away. Forget it.

I never knew Jim. I am glad to see the pictures of him with Amber and Lilly they are all smiles. So I am glad they had him. Sorry he was there that day. Sorry any of them were.

I learned when Kody (our dog of 14 years) died the steps in the Grief process and I learned that they do not have to come in order. Because life is usually not that clean cut and straight forward.

I have seen the progress over this last year. I was reading over my blogs and there are certain ones I read a lot. It is as therapeutic as talking to myself to read the words I have written. So some of the steps I could even put a date on when I experienced them.

February 6, 2013 I felt Acceptance and Hope.
December 12, 2012 I felt Depression and Reflection.
November 17, 2012 I was feeling it all Anger, Denial, Depression and Acceptance.

So for however far we have all come I feel like I have a ways to go in this process. I am hoping by next year some of the things I have not yet shared will be shared and will help me move past them. Some things I will never share with the class. Some things I have to share. Like when I shared the story of the day of their Viewing. I have shared to try to forget but as with the night I wrote after the Sandy Hook Shooting. It bothered me more to think I put the words down for people to read that might upset others grieving as well. So I removed parts of that blog.

The point of this exercise has been from the beginning to help myself heal. Hurting others will never do that. Sharing things others do not know will not help either. I will stop here because this is where I will pick up next time.

Now that I have spent my 5 cents and spilled my guts to Lucy I hope to be able to go to sleep. Tomorrow scratch that today it is now 2:27AM will be busy.

Good night.

Crazy

For those keeping track this blog this time in life and the way things are going have made me the most sane I have been in years. Probably since Kody died in 2008. (Kody was our dog that we had for 14 years.) Got me through the years of wishing I had a child but did not. I spent all my nurturing energy on a dog that had seizures for most of his life. He took phenobarbital just like humans that have seizures and in his last year had liver failure due to his body processing the drugs all those years. I fixed him home cooked food. Chicken, rice and veggies every week for the last year. When I was told his liver would fail and we did not have long. I asked for a year. The doctor did not think so. I got a year and a month. Kody died the day before my birthday. About 10 days later I had my first Panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack. I had one of my friends from work take me to the emergency room.

 I tell you all this because this is what happens when you are tired. Not just tired but exhausted. You do not sleep through the night. You worry about things you would not normally worry about. Oh and I worked in a place that fed you stress pills when you walk in the door and you overdosed on it by the time lunch has passed by. The end of the day came when I dragged myself out the door. But my boss always thought he could get a little more out of me. And I thought well maybe I could work a little harder. This circle of life continued until out of the Grace of God my boss fired me in May of 2011. Best thing that ever happened to me. So from Oct 2008 until May 2011 I learned to manage my anxiety. Ironic thing. I was having a panic attack the last day I worked but was trying to stick it out until the end of the day. So for over 2 years I suffered with depression, anxiety and my favorite Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. One by one these symptoms have fallen away. I am not sure how. My last one has been the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I still have triggers that can put me in a bad place quick but I have learned to manage most of them. 

Today the triggers for the PSTD can be something at work or something on TV. Unfortunately with what we have been through since this past May I try to stay away from anything news related. Just seeing the kids from the Sandy Hook Elementary School Choir on the field brought a shiver to my spine and a tear to my eye. I could not even hear their voices. We do not have any sound when watching TV at work. Maybe fighting them one at a time is ok but most I do not think can win against multiple attacks. The exhaustion and the depression and anxiety can really drag a person down.

Now about the Crazy. During my life I have fought these symptoms one at a time for years like a ninja warrior. I thought I was crazy at one point and my best friend Tracy told me that Crazy People do not know they are Crazy. I have referred back to that each time I have felt like I was on that cliff about to plummet to I don't know what comes next. I would say how my life made me feel like I was falling and when I thought I hit bottom it was just a rock I was caught on. It would then break free and then I would be falling again. This was long before Kody or even before I met Brian. So I have had enough experience in this sort of psychology that I should have a PHD of my own.

I tell you this so that you pay attention to yourself. Fight like a ninja when you can but when you can no longer do that get expert help. Without it the true ninja in you will not emerge fighting again one day, one battle at a time as they have been trained to do for centuries.

Giving Thanks

I thought it appropriate this week that I speak of Thanksgiving. Now most of you reading this will sit down at some point on Thursday and eat the biggest meal of year so far. And most will say some sort of prayer of Thanks for the things you have and food on the table and the hands that prepared it. My father always mentions the men and women serving in the Armed Services that are not home with their family.  And then dig in. But maybe this week on this Thursday stop and be thankful for how blessed you are to maybe have a job and if not a job how thankful you are to be with your family, maybe even have a roof over your head.

As a reminder it has been only 19 days since Hurricane Sandy made an unexpected visit to our friends to the north in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and other states upon the Eastern Seaboard. Some of those visited no longer have homes to be thankful for. They have their life to be thankful for. They may not have electricity or hot water but they still have their family together. Some may have lost family members but they still have the clothes on their back and a warm meal to eat being prepared by volunteers. In other words some people lost everything just 19 days ago. They are trying to find a way to get through each day, each week and the months to come without loosing their mind.

Hurricane Sandy is just one example of the tragic loss that people from all walks of life all over the world have dealt with this this year. But from the tragedy we are able to look at and appreciate the smaller things in life that we just assume we will always have.

I have a friend in New York that has invited friends over that live in lower Manhattan and let them charge their wireless devices, offered a hot shower and meal before they go back to living as those who lived in the same part of New York in the early 1900's with the advantage of batteries to power their handheld devices to warm their hands while the power is out and the temperature is low by the glow of their ipod or tablet. A laptop you no longer put a pillow on your lap to protect from the heat you can use it to warm your lap.

So maybe on Thursday evening when you are sitting home after eating a delicious meal prepared with love by someone you don't know how you would live without. Turn off the lights and the tv and the heat and think of the people up north that are doing the same thanks to Sandy for 5 minutes. First you will realize how long that is to be without, but remember those still without power have been doing the same for 19 days. Some may have days or weeks to come before the smallest luxury electricity can be restored. When you turn the lights and the tv back on remember that is a blessing because those without do not have that choice. They will wake up Friday not at 4AM preparing to go shopping because the retail world tells us we can get a better price before the sun comes up. Some will wake up cold and alone but being thankful for what they have left and to those that are truly blessed they are not worrying about what they lost for that can not be regained.

No loss this great can truly be recovered from overnight. Life goes on and each day, each moment is living proof that you too are trying to move on as well. You will not forget what you lost but maybe build a future that you never expected out of it. A future that has love and family and a home just not the one you thought about on October 28th for those in the north or for those in Aurora, Colorado July 19th or those in Gilbert, Arizona on May 1st. I could go on and on. About people and their tragedy which may not be a loss that had media coverage but a loss of a job or a loss of a spouse or a Grandmother or even a cat. All of these losses are tragic to those that lived through them and the recovery though the time may be different the process is still the same. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They do not always come in order or one at a time but no matter what you do they will come.

On Thursday hug your family and remind them all how much they all matter. And be thankful what you have been given and accept what you have lost.

Happy Thanksgiving has a whole new meaning now.

Family

Some people believe that family is the people that live within their house. Some believe it is their Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents and people they see at the holidays. Some believe that they have friends that are as close as family and include all of the above.

Some people do not know the value of what they have. A family is a support system. A village that will help with anything or everything. The family that wants to be a part of your life and share in your joy and sorrow. Help you get through whatever trouble that you are going through.

Some people think they are an island and are not able to reach out to other islands. No telephone or telegraph, no texting or facebook. They are afraid. Afraid of what could happen. What someone would say worse yet what someone might think or do.

I am sometimes that peron who is afraid. I worry about what someone will say. But I have learned in life sometimes you have to reach out to others for help. It does not make you weak or less able to deal with your own troubles. It just makes you human.

If you think that your family just lives within the four walls of your house, there may not be someone who understands or that you can share your trouble or fear with. Maybe that is who you are fearful of.

Maybe you are limiting yourself and what you can be by not reaching out or up. I am not of the religious type. I am very faithful. Sometimes I just have to believe that things are going to get better. But if I do not make a change nothing is going to get better or worse.

So where am I going. I started this thinking of one person. In the time it has taken to write it I have thought of two others. Not in the same situations. But limiting your family to your house is like saying I only shop at one store or can only see out one window. I want to see out all the windows and I may even want a skylight to look up.

If you are someone who needs help and does nothing. You are always going to be someone that needs help. If you are someone who gets help then you are able to help others. That is me today. Not in every aspect of my life but in most. I try to remember that others have worse problems than me. There are those with more sorrow and more pain and even more fear.

If you have Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents that support you and your endeavors appreciate them and let them know. Return the gift of support. Sometimes a visit or a card could mean the world to a person you assume they know how much they mean to you. I did not mention a text or a facebook message. Put some effort into it. They are your family.

If you live in four walls with someone that you are scared of ask for help. Go out and ask for it. Demand it. Because you deserve a life that you are not afraid. That you are happy. Happy is not a white picket fence and 2.3 kids. Happiness is getting up in the morning and making choices for yourself. Healthy choices, mentally  and physically. Going to bed at night and knowing that you and all that live under your roof are safe and sound and knowing that you will sleep better and wake up tomorrow knowing you deserve happiness.

So tonight I am going to bed knowing that Brian and I are safe and sound. Tomorrow we will get up and go to church and I will think of those that are not. Not safe and sound and those that are no longer with us.

Happy Birthday Lisa.


                            I am thinking of you.