Crazy

For those keeping track this blog this time in life and the way things are going have made me the most sane I have been in years. Probably since Kody died in 2008. (Kody was our dog that we had for 14 years.) Got me through the years of wishing I had a child but did not. I spent all my nurturing energy on a dog that had seizures for most of his life. He took phenobarbital just like humans that have seizures and in his last year had liver failure due to his body processing the drugs all those years. I fixed him home cooked food. Chicken, rice and veggies every week for the last year. When I was told his liver would fail and we did not have long. I asked for a year. The doctor did not think so. I got a year and a month. Kody died the day before my birthday. About 10 days later I had my first Panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack. I had one of my friends from work take me to the emergency room.

 I tell you all this because this is what happens when you are tired. Not just tired but exhausted. You do not sleep through the night. You worry about things you would not normally worry about. Oh and I worked in a place that fed you stress pills when you walk in the door and you overdosed on it by the time lunch has passed by. The end of the day came when I dragged myself out the door. But my boss always thought he could get a little more out of me. And I thought well maybe I could work a little harder. This circle of life continued until out of the Grace of God my boss fired me in May of 2011. Best thing that ever happened to me. So from Oct 2008 until May 2011 I learned to manage my anxiety. Ironic thing. I was having a panic attack the last day I worked but was trying to stick it out until the end of the day. So for over 2 years I suffered with depression, anxiety and my favorite Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. One by one these symptoms have fallen away. I am not sure how. My last one has been the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I still have triggers that can put me in a bad place quick but I have learned to manage most of them. 

Today the triggers for the PSTD can be something at work or something on TV. Unfortunately with what we have been through since this past May I try to stay away from anything news related. Just seeing the kids from the Sandy Hook Elementary School Choir on the field brought a shiver to my spine and a tear to my eye. I could not even hear their voices. We do not have any sound when watching TV at work. Maybe fighting them one at a time is ok but most I do not think can win against multiple attacks. The exhaustion and the depression and anxiety can really drag a person down.

Now about the Crazy. During my life I have fought these symptoms one at a time for years like a ninja warrior. I thought I was crazy at one point and my best friend Tracy told me that Crazy People do not know they are Crazy. I have referred back to that each time I have felt like I was on that cliff about to plummet to I don't know what comes next. I would say how my life made me feel like I was falling and when I thought I hit bottom it was just a rock I was caught on. It would then break free and then I would be falling again. This was long before Kody or even before I met Brian. So I have had enough experience in this sort of psychology that I should have a PHD of my own.

I tell you this so that you pay attention to yourself. Fight like a ninja when you can but when you can no longer do that get expert help. Without it the true ninja in you will not emerge fighting again one day, one battle at a time as they have been trained to do for centuries.