Me

I always start and have a title. This time I don't. I have not written anything in weeks yet I feel something needs to be written. I have had a few triggers of anxiety in the last week. I applied for a new job and the interview was not my best but I didn't cry. Which does beat some. I get nervous over silly things and know it is silly but still am nervous. Get anxious over the same sort of things. But the difference is in the last few weeks I have not cried or broke down or even shutdown. I have moved past them and kept working. I feel like this is a really good thing but again it makes me nervous. Is the next thing going to be the thing I can not get through. Or am I actually getting to the point that I might someday not be triggered by these events. Might the stress of the unknown not scare me next time. I can only hope.

I am feeling a change. I need a new change not in life but in me. I am not sure I am up to the battle though. I feel like I really need to beat down my weight and though I am feeling stronger. It was not overnight that I accumulated all of it and I know it will not come off overnight either. The thought of this is very stressful and like someone trying to kick any habits my bad ones are food related. This will be a trigger of enormous proportion. Because I think the weight has come with the problems I have faced.

I have always thought that weight will come off when I am ready for it to and I think I am there. I only know that I can do this and it is going to be itty bitty baby steps to get me there. There will be no marathon or hike of Mount Everest in the next few weeks or months. But hopefully a slow and not so painful change for my bad habits to good.

My goal is not in pounds or sizes but improving my eating habits. No scale will be necessary that way I will not get depressed over this attempt at beating what has been for me a life long struggle. A fight that I have battled and given up on so many times.

Like I said at the beginning I was not sure what was going to come out today when I wrote but this is it.

Tomorrow I am off and will go to the grocery and will make good choices and that will be my beginning.
In writing this it has given me ideas to write about. If I can shed the pounds maybe I can share some of the stuff that helped it accumulate. Maybe the combined effort will motivate me to do this and succeed.