I find it sometimes funny how life is going along and then I am smacked in the face (figuratively of course). But in that moment I go from cruising along to worrisome mode. Now for people that don't see me everyday they may be concerned that this is my usual state. It is just as fast that my way will be found out of the funk and back to smooth sailing. I just don't know when the moment is coming and I sure don't know where it ends. That would make life simpler if I could say well if I get through Tuesday I will be good. I couldn't do that with my period I guess I shouldn't be able to do it with anything else either. Funny 20 years ago I wouldn't have shared that but it doesn't matter. I feel like today whatever I can share of my life that makes someone else look at theirs and say I got this. It is all worth it. It won't make my life easier not sharing and it doesn't make anyone else's life easier really just a little hope that we can do this. Well these things that cause the worry and sadness are just everyday things that happen in life. They just kinda roll up together and all of a sudden I was fine and now I am not.
I still think the same positive thoughts they just sometimes lose out to the little guy on my shoulder going are you kidding Jeanne. It ain't turning out your way. Look at this way. Some sort of surprise or grief or loss of some sort starts this ball and it truly can be anything just as it could be anything that rights this boat and gets it back on course.
An example: Last year Brian and I were flying to North Carolina for his mother's birthday. The whole day I was just think it is going to be ok Jeanne. But it didn't matter as much as I thought it there was some other part of my brain that was going no it isn't. So the weather was terrible and the sky as we got closer to Asheville was really dark and we circled and circled and in a split second the pilot floored it and we were not landing. My entire body sighed in relief as we flew away from there. Next thing we here the pilot say we have been diverted and are heading to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I was like cool. Never been. I am pretty sure I was the only person on the plane not upset that we didn't land as we should. Now this diversion cost us about 3 hours and they gave us a drink and gassed up the plane and when the weather cleared we were back to Asheville. We got to Brian's parent's house just before 9pm and I was happy as a clam. It was the first time I had ever noticed the switch from worrying and ok so quick. I am sure some shrink has a technical term for what happened. A chemical shift in my brain but it was that quick and the not worrying stuck for quite a while.
Just a weird thing that happens that I feel like I am the only one in the world it happens to or maybe just the only one that notices it happening.
So as they say this to shall pass. Hopefully soon. I just start doing all the things that help me to feel better and one day I will not be worrying so much soon. Until then I just remind myself that I am ok.
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Saturday, July 13, 2019
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
A Storm Brewing Inside
Today I want to say it is very cold outside. Less than 50 degrees and even though the sky is blue the wind is cold and the air colder. So with the fireplace going I decided I wanted to write what I can about the last few months and show my gratitude for some people that I need.
Between life and my body and a rough hurricane season I have had a tough time these last few months. I was anxious about my out of wack periods and Hurricane Irma, so nervous I wasn't sure which thing to worry about. So I talked to a friend about my anxiety and saw the doctor about my period, and we then had Hurricane Irma and tree fell on our house but by December we had a new roof. So, Thanks to John and his crew for fixing the roof and it is as good as new.
The period thing was not so quick to resolve. I had ultrasounds and other tests that you probably don't care to know about and I had trips to the doctor and finally a recommendation for a DNC. This seems simple but I am not a simple person. It took some convincing, hand holding, reassurance and more convincing that this needs to be done. But the day before Thanksgiving it was done.
So prior to this outpatient procedure you have to have pre-surgery registration and testing. Now I know you know that I am an anxious person but all this testing and what are they testing me for and what are they going to find and what are they going to make me do that I am not comfortable with. Well the answer was nothing. Checked my blood pressure and an ekg. Oh yeah that, well I knew that that would not be normal. My normal is not normal by others standards but the hospital wanted a second opinion on that. Now I have known for a while my mortality is a big part of my anxiety so going to a cardiologist is kind of scary for me but again. These nurses and doctors and other people of this office were so kind to me that really the things in my head were scarier than what happened. The cardiologist signed off and even did an echocardiogram. I am good to go for my outpatient procedure the day before Thanksgiving. So Thanks! to the people at this office that helped. And if you are in this position and you help others through what are everyday procedures to you but not for the rest of us again my very humblest thanks.
Surprisingly a huge weight was lifted when I left that office with the all clear. I was so surprised but realized I had worried about my heart being the problem with my blood pressure and all but my healthier choices this past year have helped with my weight and my heart is ok. Which is amazing to me. I know you are thinking I thought this was about her female problems. So did I. But it wasn't. The female stuff didn't worry me like my heart but I really didn't realize it until this moment. Anesthesia also scared me but that was because of a previous bad experience and this time the day before Thanksgiving. I had my DNC and it went well. The doctor was pleased, the anesthesiologist was like I would have been ok with that ekg and here I was doing this thing a month or so ago I would have sworn I would not. Even though the outcome still concerned me the doctor said that she couldn't see everything she wanted. All results benign. So great back to work in a few days and we are good. I feel a big but coming...
Well then I get a call from the doctors office and she would like to talk about the results. The results were good they just told me that morning. But ok. I made another appointment and I thought I know where she is going and if everything is good and they said it was, why would she still want to do a hysterectomy? I am not going to worry about it. How mature of me to think.
Well I didn't worry. I was pretty darn sure I was not going to have a hysterectomy when I walked into her office two weeks later. It is the middle of December and here I am back at the doctor. Unless she tells me something really convincing I am not having a hysterectomy. That period is both literal and figurative. I mean I haven't had one since October life is good. Absence even makes my heart grow fonder of my period. I had no intention of removing this appendix of my female organs. I swear I know I get my stubbornness from my parents but man sometimes I even amaze myself how stubborn I am. But this doctor and I we have a history and let me say she is a gift from God. She has withstood my stubbornness only because she has practiced with my mother beforehand but I have subjected myself to more tests than I can shake a stick at and as stubborn as I am I know she has my best interest at heart. And having periods for months at a time is not normal and not good for anyone and even though everything before came back benign and with some medical details added that I prefer not to share with the class I said yes. Wait I said yes. Much quicker probably than she thought. But let me say she would have spent as long as it took to show me she why I needed to have this done. Just as she did 4 weeks earlier for a procedure. No cutting, no hospital stay and no recovery to speak of. So it is getting close to the end of the year and I know I have already paid my deductible for this year but there is no way. Oh this lady thinks of everything. She saved a surgical spot for me before the end of the year. She knows I am not made of money and as much as I wanted to go home and think about it I was going to have a hysterectomy in 5 days. This lady is so special to me and if you ever need a recommendation I will gladly tell you her and her staff are awesome. And as I re-read what I just wrote the tears are coming down my face because they all made me feel like it was ok to worry and be upset and anxious.
So we are getting deep here but 5 days later and here we are with a new roof and yes I am having a hysterectomy. All the things that worried me are behind me. I know that I have cried and worried a lot about this over the last few months but this is it and it is all happening so fast I don't really have time to worry but I have nothing left to worry about. This is in my best interest. The doctor has done every test and tried to find a way to allow my worry and attachment to my uterus to allow me to keep it but it is not in the cards. Again the pre-surgery testing, less than before and good thing because we only have 2 days now since it was Friday when I found out and today is Monday and my surgery is on Wednesday. I let my family know and a few friends but that was it. I am doing this.
Wednesday morning I was nervous but good to go. Let's just do this thing. In 4 weeks I will be back to work and in 6 weeks a new women some say. I don't know that I want to be new but here we go.
Here she is the doctor of doctors waiting for me to be prepped. I asked what are musical selection is for today and she said that they had 50s music on tap but she said no we were going to have Christmas Carols. She told me I would probably not remember any of this but wait there is more. The anesthesiologist his name would make you laugh and yes I remember he who I told I was so nervous he tried to lighten the mood by sharing some anesthesia humor. As I am signing the paper to say ok again these people don't think I am going to remember any of this but I do, he said, " This lady once asked what happens if I don't sign the paper and he replied a lot of screaming." I laughed then I think it was the drugs but honestly I was beyond anxious and if he would have been the guy a few weeks earlier I may have called the whole thing but I went with it and thought Brian would appreciate his humor and signed off and here we gooooooo.
Next thing I remember I was in a hospital room with Brian and my friend Lisa. Hmm. I don't remember the ride to the OR like I did a few weeks ago or being transferred to the table in OR. Yeah. The first time I remember all that. But here I am and it is all over and Brian is telling me I did great. The doctor talked to him and said everything was good. I remember laying there thinking what was I so worried about. The nurses were great. The only thing is that my glasses were with my clothes and they had not kept up with me. I ate soup and kept it down and that evening still no glasses some nice lady read the menu to me and I ordered food. No pain med pump so they took that. My IV was annoying because every time I moved it would start beeping. Not that they minded but they did have it moved even though it did beep more not nearly as much as it had. My sister came by and my friend Tracy and Brian came back I think.
I slept through the night and at 6 am after have blood drawn at 4 and watching tv for a couple hours the doctor came in and asked me some questions and she said, I didn't want to say it ahead of time but I thought this would be less painful for you than your worst period. Errrk. That is the sound of me hitting the breaks. But surprisingly so far less painful. Now I am still getting some pain meds through my IV but I am feeling pretty good at this moment and I told her the story about the anesthesiologist and she couldn't believe that and that I remembered that and the whole Christmas Carol thing. She said I had to go to the bathroom and walk a little and I was good to go home.
By 12:30 that afternoon. Less than 24 hours after having my surgery I was on my way home and feeling good. I know Christmas and New Years they passed me by but with just some ibuprofen for pain the first few days home I think I have done really well. I know there are those of you thinking when does the other shoe drop. But today is two weeks later and I have been following the doctors instructions and taking it easy and not driving and have stayed home a lot but I am feeling pretty good. Tired at times but really pretty damn good. Not lifting anything. No pain. The doctors office called this morning and again benign results. I love this doctor of mine. I know all her patients are not like me and she is probably thankful for that. So tomorrow I am allowed to drive and take myself to the doctors office and follow up.
Knowing all is well I want to Thank all the people who have held my hand and told me things were going to be ok. If you have driven me in the last two weeks or brought me food or flowers or taken me to lunch your friendship is worth so much to me I could spend all day thanking you and to those of you who have listened to me on the phone or at work or anywhere else I could have told someone what I feared. Thanks for helping me through all of this. Even friends that had their own things going on and took their time for me. I know but these people mean the world to me and they are probably the only ones left reading. Thanks and if I can ever return the favor I would be happy to.
So as a rule I don't name names but I am making an exception today. Dr. Jennifer Hayes and her staff have hearts as big as the world. I didn't just start going to her office a few months ago when this last bout of problems started. Dr. Hayes and I have a history. I have been seeing her for more than 5 years. I have always felt that whatever she recommended was in my best interest but sometimes the fear of the unknown stood between me and my best interest. Not this time. Everything in its time and this was my time to have the surgery. Thanks Dr. Hayes and everyone in your office.
Happy New Year 2018! Here she comes that new woman.
Between life and my body and a rough hurricane season I have had a tough time these last few months. I was anxious about my out of wack periods and Hurricane Irma, so nervous I wasn't sure which thing to worry about. So I talked to a friend about my anxiety and saw the doctor about my period, and we then had Hurricane Irma and tree fell on our house but by December we had a new roof. So, Thanks to John and his crew for fixing the roof and it is as good as new.
The period thing was not so quick to resolve. I had ultrasounds and other tests that you probably don't care to know about and I had trips to the doctor and finally a recommendation for a DNC. This seems simple but I am not a simple person. It took some convincing, hand holding, reassurance and more convincing that this needs to be done. But the day before Thanksgiving it was done.
So prior to this outpatient procedure you have to have pre-surgery registration and testing. Now I know you know that I am an anxious person but all this testing and what are they testing me for and what are they going to find and what are they going to make me do that I am not comfortable with. Well the answer was nothing. Checked my blood pressure and an ekg. Oh yeah that, well I knew that that would not be normal. My normal is not normal by others standards but the hospital wanted a second opinion on that. Now I have known for a while my mortality is a big part of my anxiety so going to a cardiologist is kind of scary for me but again. These nurses and doctors and other people of this office were so kind to me that really the things in my head were scarier than what happened. The cardiologist signed off and even did an echocardiogram. I am good to go for my outpatient procedure the day before Thanksgiving. So Thanks! to the people at this office that helped. And if you are in this position and you help others through what are everyday procedures to you but not for the rest of us again my very humblest thanks.
Surprisingly a huge weight was lifted when I left that office with the all clear. I was so surprised but realized I had worried about my heart being the problem with my blood pressure and all but my healthier choices this past year have helped with my weight and my heart is ok. Which is amazing to me. I know you are thinking I thought this was about her female problems. So did I. But it wasn't. The female stuff didn't worry me like my heart but I really didn't realize it until this moment. Anesthesia also scared me but that was because of a previous bad experience and this time the day before Thanksgiving. I had my DNC and it went well. The doctor was pleased, the anesthesiologist was like I would have been ok with that ekg and here I was doing this thing a month or so ago I would have sworn I would not. Even though the outcome still concerned me the doctor said that she couldn't see everything she wanted. All results benign. So great back to work in a few days and we are good. I feel a big but coming...
Well then I get a call from the doctors office and she would like to talk about the results. The results were good they just told me that morning. But ok. I made another appointment and I thought I know where she is going and if everything is good and they said it was, why would she still want to do a hysterectomy? I am not going to worry about it. How mature of me to think.
Well I didn't worry. I was pretty darn sure I was not going to have a hysterectomy when I walked into her office two weeks later. It is the middle of December and here I am back at the doctor. Unless she tells me something really convincing I am not having a hysterectomy. That period is both literal and figurative. I mean I haven't had one since October life is good. Absence even makes my heart grow fonder of my period. I had no intention of removing this appendix of my female organs. I swear I know I get my stubbornness from my parents but man sometimes I even amaze myself how stubborn I am. But this doctor and I we have a history and let me say she is a gift from God. She has withstood my stubbornness only because she has practiced with my mother beforehand but I have subjected myself to more tests than I can shake a stick at and as stubborn as I am I know she has my best interest at heart. And having periods for months at a time is not normal and not good for anyone and even though everything before came back benign and with some medical details added that I prefer not to share with the class I said yes. Wait I said yes. Much quicker probably than she thought. But let me say she would have spent as long as it took to show me she why I needed to have this done. Just as she did 4 weeks earlier for a procedure. No cutting, no hospital stay and no recovery to speak of. So it is getting close to the end of the year and I know I have already paid my deductible for this year but there is no way. Oh this lady thinks of everything. She saved a surgical spot for me before the end of the year. She knows I am not made of money and as much as I wanted to go home and think about it I was going to have a hysterectomy in 5 days. This lady is so special to me and if you ever need a recommendation I will gladly tell you her and her staff are awesome. And as I re-read what I just wrote the tears are coming down my face because they all made me feel like it was ok to worry and be upset and anxious.
So we are getting deep here but 5 days later and here we are with a new roof and yes I am having a hysterectomy. All the things that worried me are behind me. I know that I have cried and worried a lot about this over the last few months but this is it and it is all happening so fast I don't really have time to worry but I have nothing left to worry about. This is in my best interest. The doctor has done every test and tried to find a way to allow my worry and attachment to my uterus to allow me to keep it but it is not in the cards. Again the pre-surgery testing, less than before and good thing because we only have 2 days now since it was Friday when I found out and today is Monday and my surgery is on Wednesday. I let my family know and a few friends but that was it. I am doing this.
Wednesday morning I was nervous but good to go. Let's just do this thing. In 4 weeks I will be back to work and in 6 weeks a new women some say. I don't know that I want to be new but here we go.
Here she is the doctor of doctors waiting for me to be prepped. I asked what are musical selection is for today and she said that they had 50s music on tap but she said no we were going to have Christmas Carols. She told me I would probably not remember any of this but wait there is more. The anesthesiologist his name would make you laugh and yes I remember he who I told I was so nervous he tried to lighten the mood by sharing some anesthesia humor. As I am signing the paper to say ok again these people don't think I am going to remember any of this but I do, he said, " This lady once asked what happens if I don't sign the paper and he replied a lot of screaming." I laughed then I think it was the drugs but honestly I was beyond anxious and if he would have been the guy a few weeks earlier I may have called the whole thing but I went with it and thought Brian would appreciate his humor and signed off and here we gooooooo.
Next thing I remember I was in a hospital room with Brian and my friend Lisa. Hmm. I don't remember the ride to the OR like I did a few weeks ago or being transferred to the table in OR. Yeah. The first time I remember all that. But here I am and it is all over and Brian is telling me I did great. The doctor talked to him and said everything was good. I remember laying there thinking what was I so worried about. The nurses were great. The only thing is that my glasses were with my clothes and they had not kept up with me. I ate soup and kept it down and that evening still no glasses some nice lady read the menu to me and I ordered food. No pain med pump so they took that. My IV was annoying because every time I moved it would start beeping. Not that they minded but they did have it moved even though it did beep more not nearly as much as it had. My sister came by and my friend Tracy and Brian came back I think.
I slept through the night and at 6 am after have blood drawn at 4 and watching tv for a couple hours the doctor came in and asked me some questions and she said, I didn't want to say it ahead of time but I thought this would be less painful for you than your worst period. Errrk. That is the sound of me hitting the breaks. But surprisingly so far less painful. Now I am still getting some pain meds through my IV but I am feeling pretty good at this moment and I told her the story about the anesthesiologist and she couldn't believe that and that I remembered that and the whole Christmas Carol thing. She said I had to go to the bathroom and walk a little and I was good to go home.
By 12:30 that afternoon. Less than 24 hours after having my surgery I was on my way home and feeling good. I know Christmas and New Years they passed me by but with just some ibuprofen for pain the first few days home I think I have done really well. I know there are those of you thinking when does the other shoe drop. But today is two weeks later and I have been following the doctors instructions and taking it easy and not driving and have stayed home a lot but I am feeling pretty good. Tired at times but really pretty damn good. Not lifting anything. No pain. The doctors office called this morning and again benign results. I love this doctor of mine. I know all her patients are not like me and she is probably thankful for that. So tomorrow I am allowed to drive and take myself to the doctors office and follow up.
Knowing all is well I want to Thank all the people who have held my hand and told me things were going to be ok. If you have driven me in the last two weeks or brought me food or flowers or taken me to lunch your friendship is worth so much to me I could spend all day thanking you and to those of you who have listened to me on the phone or at work or anywhere else I could have told someone what I feared. Thanks for helping me through all of this. Even friends that had their own things going on and took their time for me. I know but these people mean the world to me and they are probably the only ones left reading. Thanks and if I can ever return the favor I would be happy to.
So as a rule I don't name names but I am making an exception today. Dr. Jennifer Hayes and her staff have hearts as big as the world. I didn't just start going to her office a few months ago when this last bout of problems started. Dr. Hayes and I have a history. I have been seeing her for more than 5 years. I have always felt that whatever she recommended was in my best interest but sometimes the fear of the unknown stood between me and my best interest. Not this time. Everything in its time and this was my time to have the surgery. Thanks Dr. Hayes and everyone in your office.
Happy New Year 2018! Here she comes that new woman.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
What a difference a day makes.
So never posted to my blog from my phone by Lantern light. The last time I went this long without power was the "No Name storm" 1991. There were t-shirts we sold at Eckerd that said,"I survived the No Name storm and had a map with it's path across the southeast US. The person that I lived with back then and I went more than 3 days without power and after the 3rd night of coming home after 12 hour days working he called the power company and I laugh now picturing the image of him and I calling from the wall phone in our kitchen and he said not so kindly to the person on the phone that he was getting frustrated with not having power every night when we got home and just had to look up the phone number in the phone book for the blanking power company like Benjamin Franklin by candlelight. I don't remember after the power was back on like that night.
God has a funny way of shining a light on important things and sometimes he has to turn off the lights for us to see. Last week before the storm my mind was having it's own tropical depression but a few visits with a couple doctors who are worth their weight in gold and I was ready to weather the storm. I know most don't want to know how scared others were and don't want to admit to themselves how real Irma was. But the few days prior to that to me was worse. I know worse than a tree falling on the house that didn't come through and the hours of sitting on the floor in the hallway praying that the guys on the weather were right before our power went off and said the worst should pass us by midnight. As I listened to my clock chime though the sound of the wind and rain thinking we just have to hold on for another hour, ok maybe one more hour, ok may be one more. That feeling for those who have never experienced it my friend is what it feels like when a person is having a panic attack. It is not the wind and rain but the quiet moment in my head trying to say the Lord's prayer for the 50th time and forgetting the words. Trying to keep your self together when the world around you is blowing by. There are a few events in life that I felt like I at least deserve a t-shirt for getting through and for the last two weeks I deserve 2. The panic like the storm has passed and my mind is as peaceful as the weather today. I am a thankful person because those moments of anguish lead to peace and tonight my friends I can say all the words to the Lord's prayer in order and will rest for tomorrow brings new challenges to all of us. Not all of them have a name or date to be remembered by. Some are just a day in the life of me. Our Father who art in heaven...
God has a funny way of shining a light on important things and sometimes he has to turn off the lights for us to see. Last week before the storm my mind was having it's own tropical depression but a few visits with a couple doctors who are worth their weight in gold and I was ready to weather the storm. I know most don't want to know how scared others were and don't want to admit to themselves how real Irma was. But the few days prior to that to me was worse. I know worse than a tree falling on the house that didn't come through and the hours of sitting on the floor in the hallway praying that the guys on the weather were right before our power went off and said the worst should pass us by midnight. As I listened to my clock chime though the sound of the wind and rain thinking we just have to hold on for another hour, ok maybe one more hour, ok may be one more. That feeling for those who have never experienced it my friend is what it feels like when a person is having a panic attack. It is not the wind and rain but the quiet moment in my head trying to say the Lord's prayer for the 50th time and forgetting the words. Trying to keep your self together when the world around you is blowing by. There are a few events in life that I felt like I at least deserve a t-shirt for getting through and for the last two weeks I deserve 2. The panic like the storm has passed and my mind is as peaceful as the weather today. I am a thankful person because those moments of anguish lead to peace and tonight my friends I can say all the words to the Lord's prayer in order and will rest for tomorrow brings new challenges to all of us. Not all of them have a name or date to be remembered by. Some are just a day in the life of me. Our Father who art in heaven...
Saturday, September 9, 2017
Bringing back balance
I know it has been a while since I have written anything here. I think of things but not sure what to say. Well these last few days Anxiety has been high on my list of things I have been thinking about. Lots of things have been getting to me but there is this looming hurricane Irma out there slowly moving through the Straits of Florida hanging out off the coast of Cuba. Just putzing along at about 6 miles per hour. At this rate Irma isn't going to get here until Monday and right now those that forecast things like this expect that we should start to see conditions diminish tomorrow afternoon but it will be tomorrow night or early Monday morning before we get the worst of it. This is much slower than she was cruising along at earlier this week which keeps pushing out the inevitable of Irma making landfall somewhere in Florida unless she does what I want and keeps heading west. I hear Mexico is beautiful this time of the year. No, I truly don't wish her wrath on anyone and well especially not us. There is part of me that says you know we have had a good run. More than 50 years without a major hurricane hitting the Tampa Bay area so if we are due I hope we are prepared.
So with everything closed and most people hunkered down. It has given me some time to sit and think. While Princess and I were out in the back yard tonight and I thought how the wind and the sky remind me of when I was younger probably about 1980 and we had some storms that were pretty bad and people prepared for. Since we grew up on the beach we picked up the yard. Put down the storm shutters and rode out the storm and then went out to see what happened afterwards. I remember before one storm sitting out on the dock across the street from our house and watching people anchor their sailboats out in the bay to protect them from hitting into the seawall or dock and some even riding storms out on a boat. My brother did a few times on the fishing boat he worked on. Him and the owner's son spent the night on the boat and let out the lines as the tide rose and kept the boat from hitting into the dock.
Even back then I was always thinking about how things work and that how hurricanes are just Mother Nature's way of bringing balance back to the warm waters of the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico. The hurricane gets it's energy from the warm water and as it reaches cooler water it looses strength. If the water didn't cool off then neither would the air and it would just be hot year round and algae blooms like Red Tide would just get worse each year. As strange as it seems we need the hurricanes. Tonight I was thinking how the storm brings a balance back to nature and maybe that includes us. The human beings of the world that have to control everything are reminded that we have minimal control of anything. One of the thoughts I had was about how anxious I have been lately worrying about things I can't control and worrying that I can't control them. So I said a little prayer tonight to Mother Nature that she does have control and that I am prepared to ride out the storm and will do it knowing that maybe she is bringing balance back to me as well as the water temperature in the Gulf.
Surprisingly I felt better afterwards and thought it may be so. Maybe we all need the barometric pressure to drop and the wind and rain to remind us that family and friends are important and everything else can be replaced. To all my friends and family that are hunkered down at home I am praying that all of us come through this experience a little more balanced and that we all remember the things that are important are not things at all. Amen.
So with everything closed and most people hunkered down. It has given me some time to sit and think. While Princess and I were out in the back yard tonight and I thought how the wind and the sky remind me of when I was younger probably about 1980 and we had some storms that were pretty bad and people prepared for. Since we grew up on the beach we picked up the yard. Put down the storm shutters and rode out the storm and then went out to see what happened afterwards. I remember before one storm sitting out on the dock across the street from our house and watching people anchor their sailboats out in the bay to protect them from hitting into the seawall or dock and some even riding storms out on a boat. My brother did a few times on the fishing boat he worked on. Him and the owner's son spent the night on the boat and let out the lines as the tide rose and kept the boat from hitting into the dock.
Even back then I was always thinking about how things work and that how hurricanes are just Mother Nature's way of bringing balance back to the warm waters of the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico. The hurricane gets it's energy from the warm water and as it reaches cooler water it looses strength. If the water didn't cool off then neither would the air and it would just be hot year round and algae blooms like Red Tide would just get worse each year. As strange as it seems we need the hurricanes. Tonight I was thinking how the storm brings a balance back to nature and maybe that includes us. The human beings of the world that have to control everything are reminded that we have minimal control of anything. One of the thoughts I had was about how anxious I have been lately worrying about things I can't control and worrying that I can't control them. So I said a little prayer tonight to Mother Nature that she does have control and that I am prepared to ride out the storm and will do it knowing that maybe she is bringing balance back to me as well as the water temperature in the Gulf.
Surprisingly I felt better afterwards and thought it may be so. Maybe we all need the barometric pressure to drop and the wind and rain to remind us that family and friends are important and everything else can be replaced. To all my friends and family that are hunkered down at home I am praying that all of us come through this experience a little more balanced and that we all remember the things that are important are not things at all. Amen.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Old demons and New Year
I started this blog a while back but after yesterday I feel like I can finish because as everything is a cycle and I was in that same place again. If you go back before the days at Brighthouse before I was unemployed for a year. Before that I worked and worried a lot. Today I enjoy my job and the people around me but every now and then those old worries come back. I feel a pain or a cramp and it will manifest into panic. I used to look up what the pain was online. Almost all things could kill you just Google it. So no more self diagnosis.
So yesterday I was out of one of my prescriptions I knew it was ready at the store and I took the one at home and then drove to the store to pick up the other. I even bought a bottle of water to take it as soon as I got it. Then I opened the bottle and the pill looked different. Was it wrong? I called Brian at home knowing my old bottle was sitting on the counter in the bathroom. Just to verify it was the same. It was. But I still have the feeling something is not right. But it is, but it isn't. See how can I know something is right and still think something is wrong. Is my blood pressure to high. Was that the right pill?
So I spent the afternoon with my nephew. He played video games and after a while I was feeling better. We watched a movie and all was good. While he was here I got a call from the dr about another prescription I was getting refilled and they asked about my blood pressure. I said it has been good. But now that they are asking now I am wondering again. Is it to high. I can't take it. I would worry myself sick. So now I wonder am I ok or not. My sister picked up her son and now the time when I am totally free to do whatever I want. Before I could even think of doing anything. I was worrying that my blood pressure was too high. My face was getting hot. What is wrong?
Panic...If you do not know the feeling it is kinda like a prickly feeling all over your body after that first rush of adrenaline. I think the initial rush is like fight or flight. Some sort of defense to something that isn't even there. Because no matter what it is that starts the panic it is a process and takes time to come back down to defcon 5. (If you are not aware that is the Defense Condition measured between 1 and 5 and 5 is normal military readiness and 1 is the maximum state of readiness.) Learn something new everyday. I knew the term but did not know the definition until now.
The main thing I have to do is not think. But once the thoughts are going through my head it is really hard to get back to the normal, calm, quiet mind most people consider normal. But I couldn't get there on my own. I have a couple fool proof cures for this feeling. Guess what they are not pills. They are people.
See being alone is more difficult than being with others. With others or at work I can focus on anything else other than the thing that is trying to debilitate me. So last night I did my sure thing. I called a friend. I don't want to start right off with we need to talk about anything because I am crazy. Of course I have been reassured more than once that I am not but how can your brain know you are ok and at the same time worry that you are not.
To me it is like being on a ledge. Not a ledge I am going to jump from but one I am hanging on to. If I let go I don't know what will happen and that is what I worry about. What could happen? Trust me the list could be long but just like when you google what is wrong with you it always has and then you could die.
Yes that is unrealistic but when my head is in this spot it is hard for me to get out. If I hadn't called in the prescription the dr office wouldn't have called no panic. If I had picked up the pills yesterday and taken them together as normal no panic. Could something else had caused the panic? Sure. There is always the potential for something else but my health is the worst. So I have a little plan worked out that I am going to start doing a few things for myself and exercising more. It is going to be a regular thing and I am going to add writing back into being a regular thing. I know as the new year begins things will be good.
I want to thank the friends that talk to me in this state. There are only a few I trust with this fragile Jeanne. The wrong thing said can make it worse. But the best thing is just to talk about nothing. Sometimes 5 minutes is good sometimes an hour. But when I am back to feeling better it is such a weight lifted. Talking about things from years ago. Things that we have done. Things we want to do. Anything really as long as it is not about me and how I am feeling now. I sometimes wish I understood what it is and how it works as it happens. I am getting better at the process and making the feeling go away. A baby aspirin and a good nights sleep helps as well.
So to a Happy and Mentally Healthy New Year.
So yesterday I was out of one of my prescriptions I knew it was ready at the store and I took the one at home and then drove to the store to pick up the other. I even bought a bottle of water to take it as soon as I got it. Then I opened the bottle and the pill looked different. Was it wrong? I called Brian at home knowing my old bottle was sitting on the counter in the bathroom. Just to verify it was the same. It was. But I still have the feeling something is not right. But it is, but it isn't. See how can I know something is right and still think something is wrong. Is my blood pressure to high. Was that the right pill?
So I spent the afternoon with my nephew. He played video games and after a while I was feeling better. We watched a movie and all was good. While he was here I got a call from the dr about another prescription I was getting refilled and they asked about my blood pressure. I said it has been good. But now that they are asking now I am wondering again. Is it to high. I can't take it. I would worry myself sick. So now I wonder am I ok or not. My sister picked up her son and now the time when I am totally free to do whatever I want. Before I could even think of doing anything. I was worrying that my blood pressure was too high. My face was getting hot. What is wrong?
Panic...If you do not know the feeling it is kinda like a prickly feeling all over your body after that first rush of adrenaline. I think the initial rush is like fight or flight. Some sort of defense to something that isn't even there. Because no matter what it is that starts the panic it is a process and takes time to come back down to defcon 5. (If you are not aware that is the Defense Condition measured between 1 and 5 and 5 is normal military readiness and 1 is the maximum state of readiness.) Learn something new everyday. I knew the term but did not know the definition until now.
The main thing I have to do is not think. But once the thoughts are going through my head it is really hard to get back to the normal, calm, quiet mind most people consider normal. But I couldn't get there on my own. I have a couple fool proof cures for this feeling. Guess what they are not pills. They are people.
See being alone is more difficult than being with others. With others or at work I can focus on anything else other than the thing that is trying to debilitate me. So last night I did my sure thing. I called a friend. I don't want to start right off with we need to talk about anything because I am crazy. Of course I have been reassured more than once that I am not but how can your brain know you are ok and at the same time worry that you are not.
To me it is like being on a ledge. Not a ledge I am going to jump from but one I am hanging on to. If I let go I don't know what will happen and that is what I worry about. What could happen? Trust me the list could be long but just like when you google what is wrong with you it always has and then you could die.
Yes that is unrealistic but when my head is in this spot it is hard for me to get out. If I hadn't called in the prescription the dr office wouldn't have called no panic. If I had picked up the pills yesterday and taken them together as normal no panic. Could something else had caused the panic? Sure. There is always the potential for something else but my health is the worst. So I have a little plan worked out that I am going to start doing a few things for myself and exercising more. It is going to be a regular thing and I am going to add writing back into being a regular thing. I know as the new year begins things will be good.
I want to thank the friends that talk to me in this state. There are only a few I trust with this fragile Jeanne. The wrong thing said can make it worse. But the best thing is just to talk about nothing. Sometimes 5 minutes is good sometimes an hour. But when I am back to feeling better it is such a weight lifted. Talking about things from years ago. Things that we have done. Things we want to do. Anything really as long as it is not about me and how I am feeling now. I sometimes wish I understood what it is and how it works as it happens. I am getting better at the process and making the feeling go away. A baby aspirin and a good nights sleep helps as well.
So to a Happy and Mentally Healthy New Year.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
The Epitome of Me
I sometimes think that because I remember everything that I notice things that others may let pass them by. Maybe I read to much into things but sometimes I just have to believe that things happen for a reason and I have no control over them at all.
So last Sunday morning I woke up and felt a pain, discomfort but that old demon inside me said "This is the big one. Elizabeth I am coming to join you." Well not really that dramatic. If you did not get the Sanford and Son reference you have probably missed out a quality 70's program. But it doesn't have to be that big. See I get a little thing going and my mind goes overboard. Am I, aren't I. You don't want to be stupid. But then you look like a fool. Now no one told me that. Everyone was very kind. I even for warned them when I walked in the ER that I have had problems with anxiety and it could be nothing but when your blood pressure is what mine was it is hard to convince anyone that there is not something going on. Well next thing was an EKG. Surprisingly I felt so much better after the EKG I could have gone home. Really. But once they put me in room 32 the same room I was in the first time I went to the ER years ago with my first panic attack. Next to the room number is the word Acute. See again why it is bad to be me. I already know how they are gauging me and haven't even got in the room yet. I guess it is a good thing. They took everything serious. I told the nurse I had taken my medicine and a baby aspirin. I should have waited to panic but it is tough to be logical at this moment. Well she hooked me up to a heart monitor and it beeped every once in a while well that is really unnerving. I guess the beeping is good to a point but again. I knew how I had been before and the Dr had told me that my blood pressure would go down when the nurse was in the room with me. So I focused on the fact that they were not far. And pictured my lake with no ripples. A trick I learned after having panic attacks that if I picture a calming scene I could get back in control. Well when you feel like you are shouting in your head "Picture the Lake", it is much less effective. The beeping continued. The ER Dr said he would like to admit me and so it went. I thought about going home and going to work then he said. The test we did tells us what happened last night. Not what is going on now. So I stayed.
By the time I was in the room 309 I was tired. Very tired. The nurse was great. She got me some ice water. Showed Brian there was a area that they had snacks. Brian made us a peanut butter sandwich and I settled in for whatever was next. Did I mention they gave me an injection of Ativan in the ER. It is hard to panic after that. I slept off and on the afternoon away except for my time as a human pin cushion. See the test they did they do 2 more times. Each time they stuck me they pulled off two other taped over pieces of gauze to see if they missed sticking me anywhere. It is a good thing that stuff doesn't bother me. A Cardiologist came in and explained the blood test and that was about it. He said if all is good you go home in the morning. And he said he had checked out my Heart Cath results from 4 years ago and that my heart is good. He said you would really have to have abused yourself in the last few years to mess it up. So I felt better. Eat a meal, get stuck with a few more needles and be out of here. Well is life ever that simple. I told my sister I am going to relax and read and wait for the bartender and try to find the pool. That may have been the Ativan talking.
So Brian brought my book and we hung out. But he had to take care of the Princess and I am fine. So he went home to rest himself. The lady on the other side of the curtain had been in a few days. Saw her son and daughter-in-law but did not see her. While they were gone during the afternoon she turned on the TV and she was watching the World Cup in Spanish. So I said through the curtain,"So you like Soccer?" She said, "No, can not figure out how to change the channel". So I went over and asked what she like to watch. Funny first thing she said, Pawn Stars and Storage Wars. So I changed the channel but neither were on. I checked the Guide and asked ,"what do you think about Lucy." She said ,"that was good." So I went back to my book and napping. Her family came back and visited she ordered dinner and they went home to take care of her pets. She has two Cockatiels she told me. Her babies. When her food came I walked over and helped her. She was funny. Reminded me of Grandma. She didn't care what was on her plate as long as it came with mashed potatoes and gravy. Extra gravy. So I moved the potatoes to the plate she was eating off of and opened her gravy and talked to her for a few moments. Her boyfriend had died a few years ago and she has been alone since. She was about the size of my Grandma as well but she said her neighbors had been helping her with shopping but I knew this lady should not be at home alone.
I slept early but then about 3 AM my roommate was trying to get up. She was confused and looking for her son. I told her she was in the hospital and got the nurse to help her. She had to change her clothes and sheets so at this point we were all awake. And she kept asking for her son and the nurses explained the time and she was worried. So after they left I reassured her that he would be there in the morning. But again about 5:45 she tried again to get out of bed. I told her to stay where she was and I would get her some help. Called for the aid but no one came. Maybe I did not wait long enough. It is hard to be patient when you know this frail old lady could fall on the floor and hurt herself. So I got out of bed and walked into the hall and found my nurse. Explained and again they got my roommate back in bed and told her the time and that they would call her son in the morning. So as the nurses changed shifts she asked again and they tried to call but the number was written down wrong. He will be here soon enough they kept telling her. Well I had my breakfast because I wasn't sleeping anymore. Asked for a wash cloth, cleaned up, brushed my teeth and was ready to go. Except for the heart monitor and the gown. I called Brian to bring me some clean clothes. All I have to do is wait. Right. Because I was OK.
My roommate would not eat until her son came. Which he did finally get there. So I read, they visited. She ate her breakfast. They spoke of the reality that she may not be able to go home alone. This was a conversation that would be had numerous times throughout the day with many different members of the staff. It was sad but true. This lady as sweet as could be would not be safe home alone. This is where I feel bad. I know. I can not take her in. That is crazy but she has her birds and they mean the world to her. But her son reassured her that they could be taken care of until they got her someplace where she could have them.
Well I walked the halls about 5 times as the nurse said I should. She checked my heart monitor. All is good. Just waiting on the Dr. Any time now. Any time at all. I heard a Cardiologist in the hall from the same office as the Dr was from that I saw yesterday. I guess they think their voices don't carry passed the threshold if they are in the hall but it does. He said there were too many patients and he was going to need someone else to come see some of them. Then he was gone. Oh well. Just have to be patient. Now Brian brought my clothes. I changed my shorts and waited. I told the aid I will fix this I will order food for lunch then the Dr will come. Well it worked. The Dr that was seeing me for the Primary came in and said, I will call the Cardiologist and if all is good you can go home. Within a few minutes the Cardiologist came in and he was great. Explained some stuff about my EKG and left out just enough not to cause a panic attack. But he told me again. I am good. My heart is good and I can go home. He noted the situation with my EKG and you will not freak out the Dr's next time. Which is always great when you are not scaring your Dr.
So my food comes. Right on cue. The nurse removed the monitor and said, for me to eat and then she would remove the IV port last. Just in case, she said. So I ate. Brian had walked down to the lobby gift shop and my roommate's machines started beeping. Could have been an IV alarm. Not sure. I saw my nurse in the hall and said, something is beeping over there. The nurse cleared the alarm and went back in the hall. I finished up my food and again that alarm. Saw her nurse and said that beeping started again. So again the nurse came in and cleared the alarm. The nurse talked to her and left the room for a minute. Then came back with another nurse. Now I started worry. They did an EKG on her and I tried to think of anything else. Anything at all. I ate my sandwich as quick as I could and the nurse removed my IV port. By that time I think there were 4 or 5 more nurses and I told the nurse I needed to go before I ended up having to stay.
My roommates son came back and the nurses were explaining what was going on. I walked in the hall and there were more people pouring into the room. The nurse said she had called for a transporter but even she knew I did not need to see any more. She told another nurse she was walking me out. They had called for a Dr. I do not know what happened. I checked the Obits the first couple days. I thought if she did not make it I was glad I was there for her, her last night. If she did make it. I am still glad I was there for her that night. And that is the epitome of me. Me the person who doesn't know if she is having chest pains. Doesn't know why she panics but knows that when there is a person near that needs me I have to take care of them first.
So last Sunday morning I woke up and felt a pain, discomfort but that old demon inside me said "This is the big one. Elizabeth I am coming to join you." Well not really that dramatic. If you did not get the Sanford and Son reference you have probably missed out a quality 70's program. But it doesn't have to be that big. See I get a little thing going and my mind goes overboard. Am I, aren't I. You don't want to be stupid. But then you look like a fool. Now no one told me that. Everyone was very kind. I even for warned them when I walked in the ER that I have had problems with anxiety and it could be nothing but when your blood pressure is what mine was it is hard to convince anyone that there is not something going on. Well next thing was an EKG. Surprisingly I felt so much better after the EKG I could have gone home. Really. But once they put me in room 32 the same room I was in the first time I went to the ER years ago with my first panic attack. Next to the room number is the word Acute. See again why it is bad to be me. I already know how they are gauging me and haven't even got in the room yet. I guess it is a good thing. They took everything serious. I told the nurse I had taken my medicine and a baby aspirin. I should have waited to panic but it is tough to be logical at this moment. Well she hooked me up to a heart monitor and it beeped every once in a while well that is really unnerving. I guess the beeping is good to a point but again. I knew how I had been before and the Dr had told me that my blood pressure would go down when the nurse was in the room with me. So I focused on the fact that they were not far. And pictured my lake with no ripples. A trick I learned after having panic attacks that if I picture a calming scene I could get back in control. Well when you feel like you are shouting in your head "Picture the Lake", it is much less effective. The beeping continued. The ER Dr said he would like to admit me and so it went. I thought about going home and going to work then he said. The test we did tells us what happened last night. Not what is going on now. So I stayed.
By the time I was in the room 309 I was tired. Very tired. The nurse was great. She got me some ice water. Showed Brian there was a area that they had snacks. Brian made us a peanut butter sandwich and I settled in for whatever was next. Did I mention they gave me an injection of Ativan in the ER. It is hard to panic after that. I slept off and on the afternoon away except for my time as a human pin cushion. See the test they did they do 2 more times. Each time they stuck me they pulled off two other taped over pieces of gauze to see if they missed sticking me anywhere. It is a good thing that stuff doesn't bother me. A Cardiologist came in and explained the blood test and that was about it. He said if all is good you go home in the morning. And he said he had checked out my Heart Cath results from 4 years ago and that my heart is good. He said you would really have to have abused yourself in the last few years to mess it up. So I felt better. Eat a meal, get stuck with a few more needles and be out of here. Well is life ever that simple. I told my sister I am going to relax and read and wait for the bartender and try to find the pool. That may have been the Ativan talking.
So Brian brought my book and we hung out. But he had to take care of the Princess and I am fine. So he went home to rest himself. The lady on the other side of the curtain had been in a few days. Saw her son and daughter-in-law but did not see her. While they were gone during the afternoon she turned on the TV and she was watching the World Cup in Spanish. So I said through the curtain,"So you like Soccer?" She said, "No, can not figure out how to change the channel". So I went over and asked what she like to watch. Funny first thing she said, Pawn Stars and Storage Wars. So I changed the channel but neither were on. I checked the Guide and asked ,"what do you think about Lucy." She said ,"that was good." So I went back to my book and napping. Her family came back and visited she ordered dinner and they went home to take care of her pets. She has two Cockatiels she told me. Her babies. When her food came I walked over and helped her. She was funny. Reminded me of Grandma. She didn't care what was on her plate as long as it came with mashed potatoes and gravy. Extra gravy. So I moved the potatoes to the plate she was eating off of and opened her gravy and talked to her for a few moments. Her boyfriend had died a few years ago and she has been alone since. She was about the size of my Grandma as well but she said her neighbors had been helping her with shopping but I knew this lady should not be at home alone.
I slept early but then about 3 AM my roommate was trying to get up. She was confused and looking for her son. I told her she was in the hospital and got the nurse to help her. She had to change her clothes and sheets so at this point we were all awake. And she kept asking for her son and the nurses explained the time and she was worried. So after they left I reassured her that he would be there in the morning. But again about 5:45 she tried again to get out of bed. I told her to stay where she was and I would get her some help. Called for the aid but no one came. Maybe I did not wait long enough. It is hard to be patient when you know this frail old lady could fall on the floor and hurt herself. So I got out of bed and walked into the hall and found my nurse. Explained and again they got my roommate back in bed and told her the time and that they would call her son in the morning. So as the nurses changed shifts she asked again and they tried to call but the number was written down wrong. He will be here soon enough they kept telling her. Well I had my breakfast because I wasn't sleeping anymore. Asked for a wash cloth, cleaned up, brushed my teeth and was ready to go. Except for the heart monitor and the gown. I called Brian to bring me some clean clothes. All I have to do is wait. Right. Because I was OK.
My roommate would not eat until her son came. Which he did finally get there. So I read, they visited. She ate her breakfast. They spoke of the reality that she may not be able to go home alone. This was a conversation that would be had numerous times throughout the day with many different members of the staff. It was sad but true. This lady as sweet as could be would not be safe home alone. This is where I feel bad. I know. I can not take her in. That is crazy but she has her birds and they mean the world to her. But her son reassured her that they could be taken care of until they got her someplace where she could have them.
Well I walked the halls about 5 times as the nurse said I should. She checked my heart monitor. All is good. Just waiting on the Dr. Any time now. Any time at all. I heard a Cardiologist in the hall from the same office as the Dr was from that I saw yesterday. I guess they think their voices don't carry passed the threshold if they are in the hall but it does. He said there were too many patients and he was going to need someone else to come see some of them. Then he was gone. Oh well. Just have to be patient. Now Brian brought my clothes. I changed my shorts and waited. I told the aid I will fix this I will order food for lunch then the Dr will come. Well it worked. The Dr that was seeing me for the Primary came in and said, I will call the Cardiologist and if all is good you can go home. Within a few minutes the Cardiologist came in and he was great. Explained some stuff about my EKG and left out just enough not to cause a panic attack. But he told me again. I am good. My heart is good and I can go home. He noted the situation with my EKG and you will not freak out the Dr's next time. Which is always great when you are not scaring your Dr.
So my food comes. Right on cue. The nurse removed the monitor and said, for me to eat and then she would remove the IV port last. Just in case, she said. So I ate. Brian had walked down to the lobby gift shop and my roommate's machines started beeping. Could have been an IV alarm. Not sure. I saw my nurse in the hall and said, something is beeping over there. The nurse cleared the alarm and went back in the hall. I finished up my food and again that alarm. Saw her nurse and said that beeping started again. So again the nurse came in and cleared the alarm. The nurse talked to her and left the room for a minute. Then came back with another nurse. Now I started worry. They did an EKG on her and I tried to think of anything else. Anything at all. I ate my sandwich as quick as I could and the nurse removed my IV port. By that time I think there were 4 or 5 more nurses and I told the nurse I needed to go before I ended up having to stay.
My roommates son came back and the nurses were explaining what was going on. I walked in the hall and there were more people pouring into the room. The nurse said she had called for a transporter but even she knew I did not need to see any more. She told another nurse she was walking me out. They had called for a Dr. I do not know what happened. I checked the Obits the first couple days. I thought if she did not make it I was glad I was there for her, her last night. If she did make it. I am still glad I was there for her that night. And that is the epitome of me. Me the person who doesn't know if she is having chest pains. Doesn't know why she panics but knows that when there is a person near that needs me I have to take care of them first.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Princess
To be clear the title is not about me. I was going to write today about voting. I did. Vote, that is. But after being as productive as anyone, well at least as productive as I wanted to be today. I have an hour and could work on a blog. So I turned on the computer and the satellite radio and sat down with Princess (our dog) at my side. I looked down and I could not believe in the few minutes since we had come in from outside her head was so swollen. First I thought is it just the way she is laying. No. Panic. Her eyes are almost swollen shut. and her nose is swelling and she is starting to get welts on her back. More Panic. I have to get her a couple Benadryl. Brian said the other day when he was off that she got into something and he had to give her Benadryl as well.
I could not open the Benadryl. I had to use sissors to get the foil open and the longer it took the worse I was getting. Princess is not doing so well either. Do I take her to the vet? Give her the Benadryl first. So with a spoon full of cream cheese she swallowed the pills down. Now I can not write. I can not take my eyes off of her. I am crying. My poor girl. So instead of writing I sat on the couch next to her and watched her. Now as I said I had an hour. We are 20 minutes in and I got a damp washcloth and put it on her forehead to try to take down some of the swelling. Is she breathing normal? Am I? I got her a couple ice cubes and she licked at them. She can swallow. We are ok? Aren't we Princess? This is so hard she can not tell me how it itches but she is rubbing her face on my leg. She can not say that she is burning up but I can feel the heat coming off her forehead. I lift up her front legs and check her stomach. No welts there. No redness. Good. How is she breathing. So now I watch. The Benadryl is helping she is laying on the couch. She is not scratching. But I am watching her breath. Every time I see her side rise and fall I feel like I can breathe easier.
This was when I had the thought. I know why we don't have kids. I would worry myself sick. I know all of you have not been around forever but before we had Princess we had Kody. The Best Dog. Princess she is the Best Girl Dog. But Kody was the Best Dog. Kody had seizures for almost his whole 14 years we had him. And when it got to the end it was so hard for me. I had cooked for him the last year because his liver was failing and it was easier on his body and he would eat the home cooked meals. I would make him scrambled eggs and chicken and rice. I even took him to work with me for the last month. I tell you this because with all our animals we have ever had. When the end was near I was the Cat or Dog Hospice. I sat with them and fed them to the end. I was the Make a Wish come true for an animal and any other charity you can think of that does whatever it takes to make a human's life better at the end. Not every cat's last meal is grilled salmon but for my cats it was. I do not eat salmon but I went to the grocery and bought it for them.
After Kody passed away. It took me about 6 months before I even thought I could have a dog again. I missed him but was scared. Could my heart take this pain? To some people I know a cat is just a cat and a dog is just a dog. But these are my kids. Yes. I talk to them. I miss the cats and Kody all the time. Just like a relative. I remember things each would do or certain foods they would eat. We had a Persian cat Tiffany that would eat Fritos and spaghetti not together but she ate them. Kody would always make this lip smacking sound when he was getting ready to go to sleep.
So as I sit here and watch Princess I worry. Worry myself so much. Now the swelling went down and after the hour was up she looked much better or I would not have gone out to eat tonight. But as I left my friend Tracy's the worry came back. Was I wrong to leave Princess. She did look better. I wanted to stop at the grocery but then I thought I have been gone 2 hours what if she wasn't doing better. I should not have left.
Kody's last days I did not leave his side. For 4 days. Night and day. Inside, outside. Did not matter. I was there. Which when they say sleep deprivation is bad. It is very bad. Just ask the people in the emergency room 2 weeks later as I had my first panic attack or the next night when I had my second.
I did stop at the grocery. Grabbed the few things I needed and came home. Princess was not in the window when I pulled in the driveway but she was wagging her tail waiting for me when I walked in the back door. Her face is looking better. Still a little swelling above her eyes. Don't have any idea what it is that she is allergic to but I think we need to give her Benadryl regularly for a while. I would not want to have to leave and go to work with her looking like she did this afternoon.
I know she is a dog but she is my Princess. And I remember so much that it hurts to think that one day she will not be here. I know she is only 8 years old but I know nothing is forever and I will miss her one day like I miss Kody, Mary, Tiffany, Lillian, Blake, Gauge and Boo.
The anxiety of the end is real for me all the time. All the time that I think what if. It is not just a little what if. It is always the big what if. And to even say the words or type them could make them more real. The anxiety of loosing Kody took years to recover from. And still today I remember all of the panic, anxiety and sadness.
So much sadness. Now I can smile and remember. I used to just remember and cry. I am going to take a deep breath and hug my girl and go to bed and try to remember that both me and Princess are ok.
It took a lot of different things books, medicine and talking and quiet time to get better. I had to be brave to say I could have another dog and I will have to be brave again some day. Some day hopefully in the far off future I will once again be sad but will again have the memories of today to smile and remind me how much I cared for my Princess while she was here. And know that I treated her as with as much love as she gave to me.
Love you Pretty Girl.
I could not open the Benadryl. I had to use sissors to get the foil open and the longer it took the worse I was getting. Princess is not doing so well either. Do I take her to the vet? Give her the Benadryl first. So with a spoon full of cream cheese she swallowed the pills down. Now I can not write. I can not take my eyes off of her. I am crying. My poor girl. So instead of writing I sat on the couch next to her and watched her. Now as I said I had an hour. We are 20 minutes in and I got a damp washcloth and put it on her forehead to try to take down some of the swelling. Is she breathing normal? Am I? I got her a couple ice cubes and she licked at them. She can swallow. We are ok? Aren't we Princess? This is so hard she can not tell me how it itches but she is rubbing her face on my leg. She can not say that she is burning up but I can feel the heat coming off her forehead. I lift up her front legs and check her stomach. No welts there. No redness. Good. How is she breathing. So now I watch. The Benadryl is helping she is laying on the couch. She is not scratching. But I am watching her breath. Every time I see her side rise and fall I feel like I can breathe easier.
This was when I had the thought. I know why we don't have kids. I would worry myself sick. I know all of you have not been around forever but before we had Princess we had Kody. The Best Dog. Princess she is the Best Girl Dog. But Kody was the Best Dog. Kody had seizures for almost his whole 14 years we had him. And when it got to the end it was so hard for me. I had cooked for him the last year because his liver was failing and it was easier on his body and he would eat the home cooked meals. I would make him scrambled eggs and chicken and rice. I even took him to work with me for the last month. I tell you this because with all our animals we have ever had. When the end was near I was the Cat or Dog Hospice. I sat with them and fed them to the end. I was the Make a Wish come true for an animal and any other charity you can think of that does whatever it takes to make a human's life better at the end. Not every cat's last meal is grilled salmon but for my cats it was. I do not eat salmon but I went to the grocery and bought it for them.
After Kody passed away. It took me about 6 months before I even thought I could have a dog again. I missed him but was scared. Could my heart take this pain? To some people I know a cat is just a cat and a dog is just a dog. But these are my kids. Yes. I talk to them. I miss the cats and Kody all the time. Just like a relative. I remember things each would do or certain foods they would eat. We had a Persian cat Tiffany that would eat Fritos and spaghetti not together but she ate them. Kody would always make this lip smacking sound when he was getting ready to go to sleep.
So as I sit here and watch Princess I worry. Worry myself so much. Now the swelling went down and after the hour was up she looked much better or I would not have gone out to eat tonight. But as I left my friend Tracy's the worry came back. Was I wrong to leave Princess. She did look better. I wanted to stop at the grocery but then I thought I have been gone 2 hours what if she wasn't doing better. I should not have left.
Kody's last days I did not leave his side. For 4 days. Night and day. Inside, outside. Did not matter. I was there. Which when they say sleep deprivation is bad. It is very bad. Just ask the people in the emergency room 2 weeks later as I had my first panic attack or the next night when I had my second.
I did stop at the grocery. Grabbed the few things I needed and came home. Princess was not in the window when I pulled in the driveway but she was wagging her tail waiting for me when I walked in the back door. Her face is looking better. Still a little swelling above her eyes. Don't have any idea what it is that she is allergic to but I think we need to give her Benadryl regularly for a while. I would not want to have to leave and go to work with her looking like she did this afternoon.
I know she is a dog but she is my Princess. And I remember so much that it hurts to think that one day she will not be here. I know she is only 8 years old but I know nothing is forever and I will miss her one day like I miss Kody, Mary, Tiffany, Lillian, Blake, Gauge and Boo.
The anxiety of the end is real for me all the time. All the time that I think what if. It is not just a little what if. It is always the big what if. And to even say the words or type them could make them more real. The anxiety of loosing Kody took years to recover from. And still today I remember all of the panic, anxiety and sadness.
So much sadness. Now I can smile and remember. I used to just remember and cry. I am going to take a deep breath and hug my girl and go to bed and try to remember that both me and Princess are ok.
It took a lot of different things books, medicine and talking and quiet time to get better. I had to be brave to say I could have another dog and I will have to be brave again some day. Some day hopefully in the far off future I will once again be sad but will again have the memories of today to smile and remind me how much I cared for my Princess while she was here. And know that I treated her as with as much love as she gave to me.
Love you Pretty Girl.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
What is your name?
Nerves, nervousness, scared to death. Don't know which I am? Biggest fear on Monday was that I would show up at the new job and it not be my job. That I did not get the job. See I had not talked to anyone from the new office and even my contact with HR was through IM so I worried that when I got to the new office they would ask who I was and what I was doing there.
Now that I have worked a few days I have the feeling I am not sure what I am doing. I don't have the confidence I had last week at work at the other office. You know the feeling after you have been a a job for a while and the days pass by and you see the same people, take your break at the same time. Walk the same halls. You know who the new people are and you are not one of them. You feel for them and want them to fit in but are thankful for the familiarity that comes with being at the same place for a while.
But now I am the new person. The person no one knows that has to introduce themselves to everyone. Yes, and with my name that adds a whole new worry. Most people don't remember your name when they first meet you but they can look at your name tag and all play along until they know who you are. Nope. Got to be different. Don't look at my name tag you will mess yourself up for sure. And then I have a choice ignore or correct? It isn't really a choice it has become a rule. Will I have to talk to you on a regular basis then correct, a person I meet in passing that will rarely have contact with ignore. Again since I don't know who the people are that I will talk to everyday I am correcting or reminding people when they try to introduce me to another co-worker and stand there with a look I am all to familiar with and I have to introduce myself and say my name is Jeanne oh well for those of you that don't know me personally you probably think I pronounce it Jean or Jeannie, no it is Jean like Jean-Claude Van Damme (actor) or Jean Luc Picard (Captain on Star Trek Next Generation), Jean Lafitte (Pirate), my dads favorite as a kid was Jean-Claude Killy (an Olympic snow skier from the 1960's). He had to reach when I was a kid. So by the 1980's and Jean Claude Van Damme came along it did make it easier at least there was someone out there that used the pronunciation that I do. Do not use Jon Benet Ramsey. That is not the same at all and I did not like the idea of being tied to a child pageant star but definitely do not want to be tied to a child murder victim.
I know I say it all the time I did not know this was what I was going to write about tonight I thought it was going to be about being nervous about being new but as I typed I remembered my name. I had not ever addressed the fact that the casual reader does not know how to say my name which all ties to this whole being the new person. No one named Shelly or Kelly or Susan have to explain how to pronounce their name and they do not have to explain how they got their name when they meet new people. They do not have to repeat their names so many times that whatever the other person is saying I just say yes Dawn. That is it. And my all time favorite question, can you hear the sarcasm? Again if you can't you do not know me but is there, but is there something else I can call you? No. Not "no" like maybe make up some cute name for me. "No". Like I do not have a nick name. The only names other than my own I have ever been called were mean and yes, I do remember them and will not repeat them today. Already not feeling confident so I don't need to remind myself of how people would pick on me and make up names to call me in school.
So, I am not sure if my anxiety is exactly the same as everyone elses or if I make it worse because of my name and the feeling of am I going to make someone feel bad or feel like I am being rude when I say just call me my name I have used all my life. Or Ok, if I call you by the wrong name then it will be fine for you to call me the wrong name. People do not realize how personal a name is until they mess with mine. There were times when I was young I was going to change my name as soon as I was old enough. I could not decide what I would be. I would think about names and I even thought of using my middle name Marie which is also my Grandma Helen's middle name but Marie is not really me. This was when I was in 9th grade. I know that because it was the year of my Confirmation at church and you have to pick a Saint's name and I stuck with Marie but I then looked at a name I had always known to be Joan of Arc but did not know until then that Joan was not Joan at all, she to was Jeanne or Jean but definitely the french pronunciation the same as me. Then when the Joan of Arc movies came out in 1999 I knew why my name was Jeanne. Yes, I was 32 years old and maybe a slow study but I knew that my name was my name because I was like her. I did not think she was crazy. Joan that is. If you don't know that Joan of Arc went to the Prince of France as a young girl and said she could help him win the war and keep his country from the English. Well she was just a girl from a small town who has visions from God. Skip to the end she is found to be guilty of witchcraft under the English Law and is burnt at the stake in the middle of town at the age of 19. She believed what she believed to be true and would not say she was crazy or a witch to save herself. The messages she was hearing were from God. I do believe that strongly in the truth and I understood that is why my name is Jeanne and not Jean or Jeannie. And now you do to.
Now that I have worked a few days I have the feeling I am not sure what I am doing. I don't have the confidence I had last week at work at the other office. You know the feeling after you have been a a job for a while and the days pass by and you see the same people, take your break at the same time. Walk the same halls. You know who the new people are and you are not one of them. You feel for them and want them to fit in but are thankful for the familiarity that comes with being at the same place for a while.
But now I am the new person. The person no one knows that has to introduce themselves to everyone. Yes, and with my name that adds a whole new worry. Most people don't remember your name when they first meet you but they can look at your name tag and all play along until they know who you are. Nope. Got to be different. Don't look at my name tag you will mess yourself up for sure. And then I have a choice ignore or correct? It isn't really a choice it has become a rule. Will I have to talk to you on a regular basis then correct, a person I meet in passing that will rarely have contact with ignore. Again since I don't know who the people are that I will talk to everyday I am correcting or reminding people when they try to introduce me to another co-worker and stand there with a look I am all to familiar with and I have to introduce myself and say my name is Jeanne oh well for those of you that don't know me personally you probably think I pronounce it Jean or Jeannie, no it is Jean like Jean-Claude Van Damme (actor) or Jean Luc Picard (Captain on Star Trek Next Generation), Jean Lafitte (Pirate), my dads favorite as a kid was Jean-Claude Killy (an Olympic snow skier from the 1960's). He had to reach when I was a kid. So by the 1980's and Jean Claude Van Damme came along it did make it easier at least there was someone out there that used the pronunciation that I do. Do not use Jon Benet Ramsey. That is not the same at all and I did not like the idea of being tied to a child pageant star but definitely do not want to be tied to a child murder victim.
I know I say it all the time I did not know this was what I was going to write about tonight I thought it was going to be about being nervous about being new but as I typed I remembered my name. I had not ever addressed the fact that the casual reader does not know how to say my name which all ties to this whole being the new person. No one named Shelly or Kelly or Susan have to explain how to pronounce their name and they do not have to explain how they got their name when they meet new people. They do not have to repeat their names so many times that whatever the other person is saying I just say yes Dawn. That is it. And my all time favorite question, can you hear the sarcasm? Again if you can't you do not know me but is there, but is there something else I can call you? No. Not "no" like maybe make up some cute name for me. "No". Like I do not have a nick name. The only names other than my own I have ever been called were mean and yes, I do remember them and will not repeat them today. Already not feeling confident so I don't need to remind myself of how people would pick on me and make up names to call me in school.
So, I am not sure if my anxiety is exactly the same as everyone elses or if I make it worse because of my name and the feeling of am I going to make someone feel bad or feel like I am being rude when I say just call me my name I have used all my life. Or Ok, if I call you by the wrong name then it will be fine for you to call me the wrong name. People do not realize how personal a name is until they mess with mine. There were times when I was young I was going to change my name as soon as I was old enough. I could not decide what I would be. I would think about names and I even thought of using my middle name Marie which is also my Grandma Helen's middle name but Marie is not really me. This was when I was in 9th grade. I know that because it was the year of my Confirmation at church and you have to pick a Saint's name and I stuck with Marie but I then looked at a name I had always known to be Joan of Arc but did not know until then that Joan was not Joan at all, she to was Jeanne or Jean but definitely the french pronunciation the same as me. Then when the Joan of Arc movies came out in 1999 I knew why my name was Jeanne. Yes, I was 32 years old and maybe a slow study but I knew that my name was my name because I was like her. I did not think she was crazy. Joan that is. If you don't know that Joan of Arc went to the Prince of France as a young girl and said she could help him win the war and keep his country from the English. Well she was just a girl from a small town who has visions from God. Skip to the end she is found to be guilty of witchcraft under the English Law and is burnt at the stake in the middle of town at the age of 19. She believed what she believed to be true and would not say she was crazy or a witch to save herself. The messages she was hearing were from God. I do believe that strongly in the truth and I understood that is why my name is Jeanne and not Jean or Jeannie. And now you do to.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Anxiety
I have been a little slacking on the blogging front. You know the feeling when things are going good and you don't have anything to worry about. In those times I don't really have a lot to say. Pre-vacation euphoria. Vegas was Great. Brittany's birthday was a success. Did not rest much those last few days but would have liked to squeeze more in. Life is good. Then Bam. Back to reality.
So my anxiety level is up since returning. Lots of things going on. Brian reminded me today that sometimes I absorb other people's anxieties and worries but I have plenty of my own. I just don't like the feeling that my skin is electrified. Maybe vibrating. Not chills but actual vibrations. I have to go back to my ninja training to remember to picture a lake with no ripples. This is the picture I use to calm my heart rate. I imagine something a photographer told me once. Clyde Butcher who takes incredible images of The Everglades showed us a picture and said that he was in the water when taking this particular shot and he was using a large format camera which is probably about 60 or 70 lbs of tripod and camera. The tripod is in the water so that he has the least motion he floats during the exposure and the ripples you see in the water is from his heart beating and him breathing. So I try to picture that and make my heart beat so slow that it would not cause a ripple in the water.
Another trick I use is the deep breathing like I am blowing up a balloon and letting the air out. Deep breath in... Then long breath out... and count One...Two... One...Two... This does two things slows my breathing and all the thoughts that are zipping through my head have to pause for me to count. These things probably seem silly to those of you who do not worry. Those of you whose thoughts pass through your brain smooth as an ice cold lemonade on a summer day. Well Thank God for you.
Funny thing about anxiety. Some people like to talk through it others are quiet. I am the quiet one who wants to sleep through it. Oh yeah they call that depression. It is but not. That t-shirt I have hanging in the closet you know like "Got Milk" mine could say "Got Depression" or "Got Anxiety". I laugh but when these feelings come back after being gone for so long. I wonder why. Life, Work, Family all of it contributes I guess but now that I am over the cliff, I am just trying to bring myself back to where I was. Pull myself back up over the cliff. Which reminds me that I am not always strong in this category. Not sure I can do it. Always questioning if what I am doing is right or not. This is crazy. No. Not crazy, just depressing. Suffocating.
I want to be successful but when I get these feelings I am not sure I can. Sometimes it seems easier to fail. I know this does not seem like something I would say but it is how I feel. I am not to the point of tears at the drop of a hat but I am not far off either. Wish I understood what makes me this way. Mentally, physically. But there is no blood test for this. It is life and life is a work in progress. So I will reflect back on previous posts and remind myself that I have gotten through worse before and again this feeling will pass.
So as I climb this mountain that the top is fogged in and not sure where the crevasses are either. I know I can make my way to the top. I have to. Others rely on me to show them the way.
So my anxiety level is up since returning. Lots of things going on. Brian reminded me today that sometimes I absorb other people's anxieties and worries but I have plenty of my own. I just don't like the feeling that my skin is electrified. Maybe vibrating. Not chills but actual vibrations. I have to go back to my ninja training to remember to picture a lake with no ripples. This is the picture I use to calm my heart rate. I imagine something a photographer told me once. Clyde Butcher who takes incredible images of The Everglades showed us a picture and said that he was in the water when taking this particular shot and he was using a large format camera which is probably about 60 or 70 lbs of tripod and camera. The tripod is in the water so that he has the least motion he floats during the exposure and the ripples you see in the water is from his heart beating and him breathing. So I try to picture that and make my heart beat so slow that it would not cause a ripple in the water.
Another trick I use is the deep breathing like I am blowing up a balloon and letting the air out. Deep breath in... Then long breath out... and count One...Two... One...Two... This does two things slows my breathing and all the thoughts that are zipping through my head have to pause for me to count. These things probably seem silly to those of you who do not worry. Those of you whose thoughts pass through your brain smooth as an ice cold lemonade on a summer day. Well Thank God for you.
Funny thing about anxiety. Some people like to talk through it others are quiet. I am the quiet one who wants to sleep through it. Oh yeah they call that depression. It is but not. That t-shirt I have hanging in the closet you know like "Got Milk" mine could say "Got Depression" or "Got Anxiety". I laugh but when these feelings come back after being gone for so long. I wonder why. Life, Work, Family all of it contributes I guess but now that I am over the cliff, I am just trying to bring myself back to where I was. Pull myself back up over the cliff. Which reminds me that I am not always strong in this category. Not sure I can do it. Always questioning if what I am doing is right or not. This is crazy. No. Not crazy, just depressing. Suffocating.
I want to be successful but when I get these feelings I am not sure I can. Sometimes it seems easier to fail. I know this does not seem like something I would say but it is how I feel. I am not to the point of tears at the drop of a hat but I am not far off either. Wish I understood what makes me this way. Mentally, physically. But there is no blood test for this. It is life and life is a work in progress. So I will reflect back on previous posts and remind myself that I have gotten through worse before and again this feeling will pass.
So as I climb this mountain that the top is fogged in and not sure where the crevasses are either. I know I can make my way to the top. I have to. Others rely on me to show them the way.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Me
I always start and have a title. This time I don't. I have not written anything in weeks yet I feel something needs to be written. I have had a few triggers of anxiety in the last week. I applied for a new job and the interview was not my best but I didn't cry. Which does beat some. I get nervous over silly things and know it is silly but still am nervous. Get anxious over the same sort of things. But the difference is in the last few weeks I have not cried or broke down or even shutdown. I have moved past them and kept working. I feel like this is a really good thing but again it makes me nervous. Is the next thing going to be the thing I can not get through. Or am I actually getting to the point that I might someday not be triggered by these events. Might the stress of the unknown not scare me next time. I can only hope.
I am feeling a change. I need a new change not in life but in me. I am not sure I am up to the battle though. I feel like I really need to beat down my weight and though I am feeling stronger. It was not overnight that I accumulated all of it and I know it will not come off overnight either. The thought of this is very stressful and like someone trying to kick any habits my bad ones are food related. This will be a trigger of enormous proportion. Because I think the weight has come with the problems I have faced.
I have always thought that weight will come off when I am ready for it to and I think I am there. I only know that I can do this and it is going to be itty bitty baby steps to get me there. There will be no marathon or hike of Mount Everest in the next few weeks or months. But hopefully a slow and not so painful change for my bad habits to good.
My goal is not in pounds or sizes but improving my eating habits. No scale will be necessary that way I will not get depressed over this attempt at beating what has been for me a life long struggle. A fight that I have battled and given up on so many times.
Like I said at the beginning I was not sure what was going to come out today when I wrote but this is it.
Tomorrow I am off and will go to the grocery and will make good choices and that will be my beginning.
In writing this it has given me ideas to write about. If I can shed the pounds maybe I can share some of the stuff that helped it accumulate. Maybe the combined effort will motivate me to do this and succeed.
I am feeling a change. I need a new change not in life but in me. I am not sure I am up to the battle though. I feel like I really need to beat down my weight and though I am feeling stronger. It was not overnight that I accumulated all of it and I know it will not come off overnight either. The thought of this is very stressful and like someone trying to kick any habits my bad ones are food related. This will be a trigger of enormous proportion. Because I think the weight has come with the problems I have faced.
I have always thought that weight will come off when I am ready for it to and I think I am there. I only know that I can do this and it is going to be itty bitty baby steps to get me there. There will be no marathon or hike of Mount Everest in the next few weeks or months. But hopefully a slow and not so painful change for my bad habits to good.
My goal is not in pounds or sizes but improving my eating habits. No scale will be necessary that way I will not get depressed over this attempt at beating what has been for me a life long struggle. A fight that I have battled and given up on so many times.
Like I said at the beginning I was not sure what was going to come out today when I wrote but this is it.
Tomorrow I am off and will go to the grocery and will make good choices and that will be my beginning.
In writing this it has given me ideas to write about. If I can shed the pounds maybe I can share some of the stuff that helped it accumulate. Maybe the combined effort will motivate me to do this and succeed.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Crazy
For those keeping track this blog this time in life and the way things are going have made me the most sane I have been in years. Probably since Kody died in 2008. (Kody was our dog that we had for 14 years.) Got me through the years of wishing I had a child but did not. I spent all my nurturing energy on a dog that had seizures for most of his life. He took phenobarbital just like humans that have seizures and in his last year had liver failure due to his body processing the drugs all those years. I fixed him home cooked food. Chicken, rice and veggies every week for the last year. When I was told his liver would fail and we did not have long. I asked for a year. The doctor did not think so. I got a year and a month. Kody died the day before my birthday. About 10 days later I had my first Panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack. I had one of my friends from work take me to the emergency room.
I tell you all this because this is what happens when you are tired. Not just tired but exhausted. You do not sleep through the night. You worry about things you would not normally worry about. Oh and I worked in a place that fed you stress pills when you walk in the door and you overdosed on it by the time lunch has passed by. The end of the day came when I dragged myself out the door. But my boss always thought he could get a little more out of me. And I thought well maybe I could work a little harder. This circle of life continued until out of the Grace of God my boss fired me in May of 2011. Best thing that ever happened to me. So from Oct 2008 until May 2011 I learned to manage my anxiety. Ironic thing. I was having a panic attack the last day I worked but was trying to stick it out until the end of the day. So for over 2 years I suffered with depression, anxiety and my favorite Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. One by one these symptoms have fallen away. I am not sure how. My last one has been the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I still have triggers that can put me in a bad place quick but I have learned to manage most of them.
Today the triggers for the PSTD can be something at work or something on TV. Unfortunately with what we have been through since this past May I try to stay away from anything news related. Just seeing the kids from the Sandy Hook Elementary School Choir on the field brought a shiver to my spine and a tear to my eye. I could not even hear their voices. We do not have any sound when watching TV at work. Maybe fighting them one at a time is ok but most I do not think can win against multiple attacks. The exhaustion and the depression and anxiety can really drag a person down.
Now about the Crazy. During my life I have fought these symptoms one at a time for years like a ninja warrior. I thought I was crazy at one point and my best friend Tracy told me that Crazy People do not know they are Crazy. I have referred back to that each time I have felt like I was on that cliff about to plummet to I don't know what comes next. I would say how my life made me feel like I was falling and when I thought I hit bottom it was just a rock I was caught on. It would then break free and then I would be falling again. This was long before Kody or even before I met Brian. So I have had enough experience in this sort of psychology that I should have a PHD of my own.
I tell you this so that you pay attention to yourself. Fight like a ninja when you can but when you can no longer do that get expert help. Without it the true ninja in you will not emerge fighting again one day, one battle at a time as they have been trained to do for centuries.
I tell you all this because this is what happens when you are tired. Not just tired but exhausted. You do not sleep through the night. You worry about things you would not normally worry about. Oh and I worked in a place that fed you stress pills when you walk in the door and you overdosed on it by the time lunch has passed by. The end of the day came when I dragged myself out the door. But my boss always thought he could get a little more out of me. And I thought well maybe I could work a little harder. This circle of life continued until out of the Grace of God my boss fired me in May of 2011. Best thing that ever happened to me. So from Oct 2008 until May 2011 I learned to manage my anxiety. Ironic thing. I was having a panic attack the last day I worked but was trying to stick it out until the end of the day. So for over 2 years I suffered with depression, anxiety and my favorite Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. One by one these symptoms have fallen away. I am not sure how. My last one has been the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I still have triggers that can put me in a bad place quick but I have learned to manage most of them.
Today the triggers for the PSTD can be something at work or something on TV. Unfortunately with what we have been through since this past May I try to stay away from anything news related. Just seeing the kids from the Sandy Hook Elementary School Choir on the field brought a shiver to my spine and a tear to my eye. I could not even hear their voices. We do not have any sound when watching TV at work. Maybe fighting them one at a time is ok but most I do not think can win against multiple attacks. The exhaustion and the depression and anxiety can really drag a person down.
Now about the Crazy. During my life I have fought these symptoms one at a time for years like a ninja warrior. I thought I was crazy at one point and my best friend Tracy told me that Crazy People do not know they are Crazy. I have referred back to that each time I have felt like I was on that cliff about to plummet to I don't know what comes next. I would say how my life made me feel like I was falling and when I thought I hit bottom it was just a rock I was caught on. It would then break free and then I would be falling again. This was long before Kody or even before I met Brian. So I have had enough experience in this sort of psychology that I should have a PHD of my own.
I tell you this so that you pay attention to yourself. Fight like a ninja when you can but when you can no longer do that get expert help. Without it the true ninja in you will not emerge fighting again one day, one battle at a time as they have been trained to do for centuries.
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