Happy 20th Anniversary

Today is Brian and my 20th Anniversary being married and 25 years we have lived together. In the summer of 1993 I was 26 years old and he was 22. God we were so young. For those of you that don't know the story it is kinda cute. One of my best friends was the store manager of the Eckerd store on the beach and I stopped in to visit and to show her my new kittens I had just taken by the vet to have checked out and she introduced me to this new guy in the break room. As soon as he said his name I said, "you have a brother don't you?" Brian couldn't believe I knew his brother from band in middle school Then I remember I said something wise and he had a smart remark back and I said, finally you hired someone that can give me a run for my money. Who knew that 25 years later I would be sitting here reminiscing? A few weeks later was his birthday and we went out and played darts at Eddie;s in Dunedin. Cooter's on the beach opened and we went there for a date. The first movie we ever saw together was "The Nightmare before Christmas", Every year at Halloween when the movie is on TV we joke about that.  Later I saw a picture of him not too long before we met and I couldn't believe he had one of those rat tail things young guys had back then. I teased that I never would have looked at him twice if he had that thing and he said that my friend told him to loose it before he started to work and just the day before I met him he had cut it off.I call it Fate.

Now life has a funny way of working out. Here is a guy that we joke with each other that we each were the one that knew first that we would be together forever. We used to love to play darts together and one of my favorite dart stories was one night we were out at a Sports bar and we were waiting to play a game of darts and there were two guys playing and they were teasing each other and one guy said to the other that he played like a girl. Brian in is quick wit said,"you want to be beat by a girl?" We played doubles against those two guys and we beat them. Makes me smile even tonight thinking of the fun we have when we are together.

Another funny story was when I cooked for Brian the first time. One night when he got off work I made dinner. Just a pork chop, stuffing and gravy. I always joke all it took was one pork chop and I had him. But not to sell Brian short he cooked for me also. The first meal he cooked for me was homemade beef and pasta. like Beefaroni but better. Because he made it. I took a picture of him that night and it has sat on my dresser ever since. A few years back he was cooking for me again and again I took the same shot of him all these years later. Love any dinner made for me.

In the fall of 1993 Brian's roommate moved out and he was in need of a place to live and I had a spare room in the house. So with the help of some friends he moved in. Brian used to call David my current roommate back then, the good roommate. David was handy and paid his rent and well that is the best kind of roommate to have. But not long after Brian moved in David moved out. It was the whole 3rd wheel thing even though I think neither of us were willing to admit that might be the case.

The more we got to know each other the more he was around my family and he didn't have any family that lived close and one of the first things I insisted on us doing was planning a trip to visit his parents. Family has always been important and I wanted it to be important for him as well. We went the next January and had a great visit with his parents and grand parents and his brother and his wife and their little boy that was turning a year old. We took a picture of the men of his family 4 generations and last year when that same nephew graduated from the Air Force Flight School we did the same picture again just short one generation. But still great to get together with family his or mine.

I could walk down memory lane for 25 years worth good times and bad. There is something there that I don't completely understand because no matter what happens the worst day with him is better than the best day without him. No matter what we have been through and we have been through stuff but when I look next to me there he is and I wouldn't dream of it being any other way.

In our 25 years together we probably haven't spent 30 nights apart. Those are the nights I know how much I appreciate him. How important he is. Unfortunately in 25 years we have had a lot of nights sitting across from each other mindlessly watching TV. Maybe that is what happens as two people become so comfortable together that they are just  content to be together.

Now today Brian and I had a visit from his best friend and Best Man who always remembers my marriage advice.  As I told Brian early on that Love isn't the key. The main thing you need is to be able to tolerate each other. Because lots of girls had told him that they loved him but they aren't still here and why you ask because they didn't tolerate him. That thing that someone does that you are with that you want to spend the rest of your life with. That thing that if they do it one more time you will scream. Know that that thing could happen every day for the rest of your life. If you can tolerate that then that is what Love is.

So as I have said before. I tolerate you Brian til death do us part. And I hope we have at least 25 more years of holding hands and smiling at things that only we smile at and annoying each other in ways that only we can because only we have been together long enough to know the thing you know "That thing".

I just wanted to take this time to tell you that I will always choose you.

Love you Babe.

Happy Anniversary.

Hiding Places

I was trying to think of something to write about tonight and I thought I would look at a writing prompt website. 365 ideas and I scanned and found one that caught my eye. Hiding Places.

Write about places you like to hide things. Well to me I know that even though I don't have many that read the things I write I didn't really need to write down my favorite places to hide things. The other option was places you hid as a child.

That reminded me of a rainy day when I was maybe 7 years old. My siblings were going on a bike ride but I didn't want to go. They were just going around the block so my mom left me home alone. Now that seems strange but by the time I was 10 our parents were leaving the 5 of us home alone on their date night Friday night. We would bake the frozen fried chicken in the oven and sit on the couch and watch tv and eat our fried chicken. Wow we were lucky to survive our childhood.

But back to the day home alone just for a few minutes. It probably took mom longer to get the others on their bikes than it would for them to go for a ride and be back home. I am guessing but it was probably summer time and the time passed and I was playing in the living room by myself and the next thing I know it had started raining. I thought they will be home any minute. Any minute at all...

Then the biggest crack of lightning and it seemed to come right through the living room window and through the house. That was it. No more waiting. I ran next door to Mrs. Brown's house. Mrs.Brown was a very nice lady with the greenest thumb. She had a beautiful vine of passion flowers. She would be home she was always home. Her husband Mr. Brown was not well and she took care of him. So I knocked on the door and told her what had happened and she said, "come in and I will get you some ice cream until your mom gets home." I ate that whole bowl of ice cream and we watched tv and then my mom came to the door and said, "she had been looking all over for me and she hoped that I had come to her house. Mrs. Brown told her I was right in the living room and was fine. She told mom about the lightning and mom told her how as they were riding bikes it started raining and that they stopped at a neighbors house and stood in the garage to wait out the rain. Mom said that when they got home and couldn't find me the first place she looked was under my bed because she said when I was scared I would take our dog Tiger and hide under the bed when I was little. Mom thanked Mrs. Brown and we went back home. I don't know why over 40 years later I have always remembered that story. If it was the kindness of Mrs. Brown or how scared I was when I saw that lightning. I do recall that when I was younger that I would hide under the bed with the dog when people would come to the house. Mom would say that I was so shy. Funny. I haven't fit under a bed for many, many years but am not much different from that little girl even today.

Well I kinda like this writing prompt thing. A good story gets told ad I got to write a little.

Even if I owned a Rolls Royce

A few weeks ago I wrote about the cars I have owned and as always before I start writing I read something I have previously written. Knowing today's subject I read what I had just written about my cars. I could have just as easily read something on friendship or dedication. Funny thing is the person I am thinking of today I mentioned in that last post the mechanic friend that has always taken care of my cars.

I have known him since I was about 8 he was one of my dad's students at PTEC (back then it was Pinellas Vocational Technical Institute or PVTI) learning auto mechanics. Him and his friends a motley crew if I had ever seen one used to come to our house. I don't think  my dad was a normal teacher and this was no normal class. These guys became part of our lives. They were all in their teens and we were just little kids. We all looked up to dad so we had that in common.

Richie, Kenny and Bill. I feel like there was another but his name escapes me. We stayed in touch over the years after dad stopped teaching and we moved to the beach these guys would still come over. I remember Bill telling about how he was never going to own a car until he had a Rolls Royce. He spoke of the craftsmanship and the details. I  to learned to appreciate the Rolls Royce. A fine car. I remember one year saying I wanted to have a Rolls Royce and in 1979 my mom bought me one

 1979 Matchbox Rolls Royce. I know you are thinking how could she still have this. Better yet how did I know where it was today when I started thinking about this. That I don't know either. It is just funny how my mind will remember things and how I can't let go of them. Literally.

So I am not writing about Matchbox cars or holding on to things forever but how it is that I am who I am because of the people I am surrounded by. My mechanic friend is Bill. He has worked on all my cars and he has saved me many times when I locked myself out of my car or stuck on the side of the road. My favorite Bill story is when I had trouble starting my car one day and he said bring it by tonight after work. I said to him, "are you sure it is going to start for me?" He said, "when you start your car think of me and it will start." I walked out the office door that evening and laughed as I pulled my keys out thinking that all I had to do was think of him and my car would start. Well of course it started. Just yesterday as Brian and I were driving back from Tampa my check engine light came on and immediately the car started to sputter as though it was going to stall and I stopped because those lights are not called idiot lights for nothing. The car wasn't over heating it wasn't low on water or oil. I had now exceeded my mechanical knowledge. So I called Bill if he says that I am good I trust him. No answer. Well, I considered my surroundings and there was a mechanic shop right next to the place we stopped. I walked over and asked if they would check what the light was. And they did the guy even called and ordered the part that was bad before telling me what was wrong. I hate having to put all my trust in someone I don't know but feeling like I had to because there is nothing worse than getting stuck on the side of the road on a hot summer day. So for $100 bucks I can be out the door in less than an hour. Brian did ask to see the part he was replacing. After wards the guy asked how many miles on my car and I told him. He said it runs really good for it's age and said I must take good care of it. I smiled and thought it isn't all me.

You might be thinking well your mechanic friend he wasn't there for you when you needed him but here is where you are wrong. At 9:30 last night when he got the message he didn't plop down and watch tv and say I will call her tomorrow. He called to make sure I had got home and was ok. Now if anyone else has a mechanic that will do that let me know. After he said that we weren't ripped off it made me feel even better. I may not know a lot about cars but I do know that people that do well in life surround themselves with people that are really good at what they do and Bill is really good at what he does.

The point of all this is to say Thanks Bill. I try to tell you sometimes how much your help has meant and maybe that is too much for you but I wanted you to know that even if I owned a Rolls Royce you would still be my go to mechanic.  Thanks for years of helping this girl out when she needed it.

Things Change

I always find it funny the thing, that has me laying in bed thinking and the next thought is, "Get up it is 3AM and you need to write that down." Everyone lays in bed at one time or another questioning in their mind a decision they are trying to make or just made. Me, being the over thinking type not only have to go through every possible reason to make a decision, then once the decision is made have to think of every reason I should have not made the decision. Then there is Rule #39, "There is no such thing as coincidence." Who's Rules? Gibbs' Rules. NCIS has been part of our lives for 15 years now and Brian's go to re-run to watch during the day on TV. I like Gibbs character the best and his rules. Seems they follow the same moral compass that my life follows. I think the rule that got me was #51 sometimes you are wrong. I have had a hard time with this in myself but I guess if Gibbs can be wrong every now and then so can I. Rule #9 Brian's favorite Never go anywhere without a knife.

Well enough of what got me out of bed and on to what I was thinking about. Last Thursday at work I was asked to make a change. A change I said, I would never make, just about an hour before I was asked to make it. Then the weekend of pondering, even list writing the pros and cons, why I should or should not make the change. But then Friday I was asked to do something outside of work that coincided with this change at work. Which made me think well maybe I should make that change. (For those of you that know how my mind thinks at this time of the night, Michael Jackson's song Man in the Mirror just popped into my head. Make that Change...The funny thing is the not wanting to change upset me. Because in my mind this change well I had made it before. I made it for mom and now to change again...Well was I leaving mom behind. I know to some there is no logic. Mom passed away more than two years ago. But it seems as life goes by there she is.  And when I say it upset me I didn't even know what was the part that upset me until a friend at work that asked the question, "what is the reason you don't want to change?" The tears rolled down my face. Mom! Just like now after I have made my decision. Stuck my neck out, I am going to try something new that I have been told that I will be good at. Here is the other thing. When you are really good at something it is hard to go on to something else that you don't know. Right now anyone ask me a routing question? How do you get rid of all the jobs? How do you know who to give them to? To me it is logic and magic rolled into one. And I am really good at it. I am not the fastest or the smartest. But I am really good at putting jobs on techs in what to me is fair and logical way. And I use my magic to fix the problems the techs have.They call in and say they have already talked to 3 different people and they couldn't solve but in less than two minutes I get that customer's TV on or their modem to be online. There is one tech that when he hear "Dispatch, this is Jeanne", the first thing out of his mouth is "Thank God it is you." Here is the kicker I really love it. I love fixing things and solving problems. I don't need to be the smartest or the fastest but I am really good at what I do so why in the world would I change?

As we all know everything changes. Not me but everything around me. And that is it. I don't like change. I am perfectly happy being perfectly happy, with what I have and where I am but then there is that part of me that can be better. I mean it took years before I could loose one pound and somehow over the past couple years I have lost nearly 50. I am never the hare but always the tortoise in the race. Slow and steady. But when these two opportunities came up at the same time and the one made me think well if I try that, then I can try this and I want to try this. I know I am vague but see nothing has been said at work or outside work for that matter and not that I have a bunch of work friends that read this but I like to keep things to me for now. Maybe not wanting to mess up the magic that brought both these opportunities together at the same time. So I am going to try both. Mom would be proud of me for the outside of work opportunity. And she and I would have adjusted to the other Like said, I made this change before see, I used to eat dinner with her every Wednesday night but then when I started working at night that changed. Neither of us liked that we wouldn't have that but then we had Friday. Friday was my day off that Brian usually had to work. So I would take her and grandma where ever they needed to go and go to lunch and the thrift store and even though I haven't done those things in years that is why I have off of Friday and Saturday. But starting next week that will change. Even now after sitting here for an hour thinking about this the tears roll down my face. Funny how people have an affect on me. Even when they aren't here. Man I miss her.

A Better Show, Movie and Life

A while back I watched an episode of my favorite Facebook show. Well no offense but it is the only one I know of but I love the host, Mike Rowe and the show is called Returning the Favor. Each week on que on Tuesday morning I wake to a new segment and each one learning about as Mike puts it a bloody do gooder who makes the world a little bit better place for the rest of us. This weeks episode was about a widow and a mother who started an organization Wildland Firefighter Guardian Institute to protect the safety of wild land firefighters so someone else doesn't have to face the pain of loosing loved ones that they have, by buying safety equipment and essentials that otherwise the firefighters have to provide for themselves.

The segment goes and Mike and his crew have gotten donations of chain saws and other tools to assist in fighting wild fires had a statue built for the State Park where this group lost their lives battling a wild fire and during the interview the mother who lost her son is from the Granite Mountain Hotshot crew at the Yarnell Hill fire was sharing a story that her son had made bracelets that simply said. Be Better. A reminder to be a better person, better husband, better father. He made them for members of his family and of course his mother still wearing hers in tears asks Mike if she can give it to him. He gratefully accepts. Well you can watch the episode yourself along with all the others.

As they were sharing their story it made me think about the movie about the Granite Mountain Hotshots Only the Brave. This is one of those movies that everyone in the movie is a hero. Knowing you are going into the fire to help save others homes but after they finally get their certification and they are the leads on a fire in their own back yard that they aren't saving someone elses neighborhood they are saving their own. These 19 men work and train as a team are more like family and as we were watching the movie I thought I can't remember how this ends in real life. I don't know if they are going to make it out of this fire alive. Which reminded me of another movie The Perfect Storm based on the true story of the Andrea Gail and her crew. I liked the movie and my sister who saw it soon after I did was mad and said she didn't like it because the people died and I said, they died in real life. What did you think was going to happen?  So as I was watching Only the Brave,  I thought this must be how my sister felt not knowing. In The Perfect Storm for me it was like the Titanic you already know the boat is going to sink going into the theater but somehow my sister wasn't aware that the Andrea Gail and her crew were going down in the storm. Here I am now 18 years later thinking I know how she felt. I looked at Brian and said, I am afraid they aren't going to make it out of this fire. Which made me really sad. These guys worked so hard to get where they were and how could they loose it all and I thought to myself would there be a movie about the group that lives? Since I have mentioned so many great movies and another just came to mind about fighting wild fires, Always with Holly Hunter, John Goodman and Richard Dreyfus, made in 1989 this is the best love story and John Goodman is the best funny man but again will love win over the fire? You will have to watch but great movie.

Back to Only the Brave and as the movie closes I am saddened by the scene of family members gathering not knowing if their loved one lived or died. I am not going to give the whole thing away but I now know how my sister felt after watching The Perfect Storm.  And as they always do during Returning the Favor they have the big reveal at the end and they had bracelets made up that say Be Better on them and I thought it ties the whole thing together. These men were just trying to be the best firefighters they could with what they had to work with and to take it a step further the men were trying to be the best people they could knowing that they had a calling in life that risks their lives and they don't really understand how that affects the people around them when they are gone. And the wife and mother that are trying to be better at being wives and mothers which means letting their sons and husbands go each time knowing how they will worry and yet have to go on doing what they do.

Even now after the fact it brings a tear to my eye. I just want to be the best me I can be. Sometimes my head gets in the way of my ambitions. Either way great show, great movies and a great message. Just be better.

A Hard Road in a Good Car

Today I saw a picture of a coffee cup someone posted on Facebook and it said "What would the name of your autobiography be? And this is where I do some of my best work. I thought ok. Quick Jeanne, Think of a name for your autobiography. And instantly Hard Road came to mind but I thought that is not all there is to it. And in less than a minute I came up with A Hard Road in a Good Car. Typed it out because I thought that isn't bad at all and if I write things down I have a better tenancy to remember them. So, after working in the garage for a few hours and it started lightning and thundering so I thought this would be a good time to figure out about my Hard Road in a Good Car.

I do my best creative thinking in the shower. Probably why I take such long showers. Am I getting clean or writing a book? Sometimes it is hard to say but most days those thoughts are out of my brain by the time I am dry and off to work but today I have the time to sit down and write and I thought The road is my life but the car is that my body? Not really but it has served me well so far. Little more than a regular oil change and adding anti-freeze and windshield washer fluid. I do change the tires I have a mechanic I have known all my life and he takes care of my car so I don't have to worry. Then I thought unlike most people of my age I have only owned 4 cars in 34 years.

1978 Mustang II
1987 Mustang
1993 Cavalier
2005 Sebring

Now I thought about the cars and I thought about me and well a Mustang II was a small Mustang.
What is a mustang but a wild stray. My Mustang II years were 1984-1987 end of high school and beginning of the rest of my life. All of which I lived in the same house and worked at the same job and went to school most of those years or tried.

My Mustang years 1987-1993 Still wild but mostly on my own working full time and in debt. These years did not end because I got another car but because my Mustang was flooded with salt water in front of my house on Clearwater Beach during the No Name Storm or Storm of the Century in 1993. Whichever you like to call it. I will never forget telling my roommate when we got home from a late night out that it had never in my life time flooded where we lived. Well he woke me up a few hours later to 3 inches of water in our garage. We looked out the front door and all we could see of the fire hydrant across the street was the top screw. I took pictures the rest of the night and the next morning. Once the sun came out and the storm had passed David and I ventured out past the porch and his car was fine but that Mustang sat a little lower and it had water inside. I washed the car had it detailed but it only ran one more time and then Totaled from water damage. So this girl that didn't have a lot now had less. So she borrowed her Grandmother's Ford Fairmont. I don't count it as being mine. It like my life was kinda a shambles but it got me from A to B as they say.

Then 1995-2005 the Cavalier years. Not really a supporter of King Charles through the English Civil War or a horseman even though I had two Mustangs see it kinda tells a story all it's own. I was more of the adjective definition rather offhand, indifferent. These are the years I met and married Brian we moved from a house I had lived in for 10 years to the house we are in now. We traveled and were spending the money we made and the future was far away. I finally left my first job not by choice but that same job that got me that first Mustang II now 20 years later I had to leave.

Now the Sebring years 2005-today. What is a Sebring? It is a town in the middle of Florida is that it well ironically no. It is a word derived from yes, say it with me Swedish. Brian is Swedish. One definition says it is a bright warrior's name. Today I think of myself as a warrior when it comes to the struggles I have had. These last 13 years we have had our struggles.  Well I had never related the cars that I have owned with the periods in my life before today but it seems like I picked appropriately.

The story of my life didn't start in 1984 when I got my first car. Actually the first car I ever remember is my mom's 1963 Fiat. Three on the tree as they would say. I don't know if it is just funny now or really ironic but a Fiat is an authoritative determination. If that isn't my mother well it is. Now not that anyone would have said this apple fell far from the tree but mom did have that car until sometime in the 1980s. She took classes at PTEC back in the day to learn how to do body work and remove the rust and paint that car. My mom and dad had this car on their wedding day and someone used brown shoe polish to write just married on the trunk and it didn't matter how much she painted that car you could still see it.

As for my dad he has always been a mechanic. He can fix anything. When we were kids the shop he worked at would sometimes bring vehicles by the house yeah once a garbage truck pulled in the driveway at our house on the beach and a neighbor called and I remember my mom saying yes Linda it is a garbage truck in the driveway. I have heard stories of a 1950s corvette that he had that if he hadn't trashed would be worth a fortune today. As he found out when he went to the Corvette museum a few years back. Dad told us stories of working for a gas station as a kid and Mr Morrow I think was the man's name. He came and visited once. Dad told of him and his friend having to take two cars to the junk yard and that they played like demolition derby all the way to the junk yard never thinking the whole way how they were going to get back to the gas station after destroying both cars. But the vehicles I grew up with dad driving were our full size van first was tan with 2 rows of seats and the second was green with 3 rows of seats. Until 1980 or so dad got a blue El Camino. Just because it is interesting the definition "the Kings highway" or "Royal Road". Dad had that car well I would guess way into the Cavalier years if not the Sebring ones. I don't know if I want to see if my siblings cars fit into their lives like me in my wild days and now into my bright warrior days. I am just really glad that along this road that I have had some really good cars to ride in.

I think I could get a story out of this.

The RISE and fall of TV

I have a friend Glen who shares all the ins and outs of the TV world. He posts upcoming shows and cancellations and everything anyone could want to know about TV. I suppose he really enjoys it because it must take a lot of his time. I like to read about the new things coming out and always hope for something a little deeper than a sit-com or less violent then some of the police dramas. So this spring as I saw info on a new show Rise I thought that it sounded interesting. Not something Brian would watch there are no guns or bombs exploding. So each week not even committing to recording it I would watch it On Demand whenever I had an hour alone at home which isn't often. I found some of it to be a bit too real life for me but I liked that it was based on how life was when I was a kid. Families eating dinner together. Kids getting together in the evening for a football game and going out afterwards. Each family with their own drama and all this surrounds a school play. Now if you have not yet watched the final episode stop reading and watch. I will wait...

For those that didn't take the time to watch the 10 episodes I will give you a quick rundown on some of the things that were going on at Stanton High School. A catholic boy struggling with his sexuality kisses another boy, a girl becomes a boy and a foster kid sleeps in the light room in the school auditorium because it is better than his foster home until the teacher finds out then moves in with his family. The star quarterback's mom is dying and he is in the play and the female star of the play is the girl who's mom is seeing the married football coach. The girl who thinks she should be the star is struggling with her football coach father splitting up with her mom and the female teacher that has worked with the drama dept for 20 years gets passed up for the director job by a man. And this new director well he has his own issues at home with his son drinking and he brought home a homeless foster kid wants to put on a play that is going to change the world. If this doesn't make you want to watch well. I can't help you.

My friend Glen posts the past few weeks the drama of behind the scenes TV that the show we like to watch Scorpion is not going to be renewed too much drama on the set because two of the stars really dated and now can't work together. People of Hollywood when will you learn. Another show I like Lethal Weapon may or may not be renewed because one of the stars is so full of himself the others can't be around him. Really this is your livelihood or do you just believe another opportunity is around the corner. Glen now says they are going to bring the show back but the character that I really like, the troubled cop, he was the problem maker and his character has been re-cast. Not sure I will like it. So I thought that maybe Rise would be able to fill the gap that one of these other shows would leave. But just like in the show the reality of real life is really too much for today's TV audience. The viewing public would much rather see unrealistic things like people getting married after just meeting or people living naked in the wild with TV crews all around them than to watch how realistic people live with their own personal dramas.

Now I have given those that haven't watched plenty of time to stop reading so Spoiler alert it will all be spilled in the next few paragraphs.

It makes perfect sense I mean it is real life imitating art or art imitating real life either way. The people of Stanton as they start to hear about the play, parents each with their own concern about their students part in the play and that the subjects broached in the play are too mature for their teen. The ironic part is they are all subjects that teens have been exposed to for years. Teenage drinking, pregnancy, sexuality. So why not watch a show like this with your kids and have a conversation about it instead of it being taboo and well leave your kids life to chance. Just like the Catholic family struggling with what might be going on in their son's life the answer must be to pull him out of the public school and put him in a Catholic school. How will that fix anything? And if you don't watch this show with your kids they will never drink or have sex until they have moved out of your house. Come on world. I know. I don't have kids and I don't understand how hard it is to be a parent today. Nope. I don't. But I can relate to when my parents were getting divorced and the things that I did as a teen some just like the kids on the show because everyone else did and others well I made those mistakes on my own. And any day of the year I can tell you all the reasons I shouldn't have made those choices but I did because I didn't have the nerve to say no or the ability to walk away. Why not deal with that subject at home and remind your kids that they don't have to do whatever it is that everyone else is doing. Trust me there were things I knew my dad would kill me if I did them and most of them I didn't do. Yes, some of the things were fun and so are the things these kids are doing. As they practice for the play they see the progress and are proud of their work but then have to go out and defend it all the same to their parents to teachers and the principal always working the angle that his head will be on the chopping block if this play goes on as rehearsed.

In the weeks leading up to the play the principal and the PTA moms come to see a run through and basically ask the director to cut out the parts that they feel might offend or might not be appropriate for some. So they slash scenes and change costumes to make them more appropriate and by the time they are done they have changed the play. Is the kid going to commit suicide oh no that can't happen. He is just going to be really sad or is it she because this is the transgender kid. At the end of the big number do that say it is F- up or Hosed. I am not a fan of the word but doesn't mean that as an expletive it does have it's place in the dictionary. I would assume there are voices out there like mine that feel that this show does have its place on TV. But the voices of the ones that are offended. You know the ones. They are struggling in life with their own issues and don't want to be reminded on TV that life is hard. Not that living naked in the wilderness is easy if it was we all would be doing it.

The two teachers the one who has been working with the drama department and the new to the dance director have made compromises and have gotten under each others skin all at the same time but always coming back together for the good of the production. She is the choreographer and prop master and he is the visionary that wants to make his mark on the world or at least his small town. In the days leading up the principal makes a deal with her and says she can have the program next year if she just gets these changes made and well the director he sees that she might be working an angle and confronts her and now she isn't going to opening night. You feel it don't you it is all about to blow up in someone's face.

Here we are, all the drama at home these kids have practiced their hearts out just like we did for band in High School. The principal walks into the directors office on opening night and says that he and the PTA moms were talking and there is just one more scene that needs to be cut. If you agree to cut it the play will go on. It is opening night there are people already sitting in the auditorium and he wants another change. There is no time for another change. Now in my head I have known for the last two weeks what is about to happen because I am the person who will stick my neck out for what is right and if I believed in the beginning that this play was ok, it is.

The principal walks out and there he is standing in front of his entire student cast. The director had asked the other teacher to come but she wouldn't budge. She felt offended not so much that she was found out but that he said that she was putting herself in front of the students. She to was just trying to do what she thought was the best. The director looks at the kids and one asks are we cutting that scene and he said, "No. Do it as we originally rehearsed.  Do the whole thing as we originally rehearsed." The transgender kid asks, "am I really sad or am I committing suicide" and he says, you are committing suicide". Now he knows he is probably committing career suicide by making this decision. So the girls are removing the extra material added to their costumes to make them less revealing and the transgender student is looking for the prop gun and it can't be found. The student prop master has to make the call to the other teacher asking where would the gun be? And she keeps asking why and what is going on and she says, "cough once if the suicide scene is going on". The student coughs and she runs to get into the shower because there is a play to go to tonight.

There they sit in the middle of the theater the principal and the school board president and the PTA moms. When the curtain goes up they immediately notice the costumes are more revealing than they thought they should be. Oh my did they just say the "F" word. The principal gets up and thinks he can stop this. Thinks he can stop the two boys from kissing or the the girl being beaten or the kids dealing with pregnancy and abortion. But there she is the teacher that was willing to cave but not anymore. She tells him how proud she is of these students and how hard they worked and you can't stop it now.
This is how I feel about the show. NBC basically put a show on TV with some depth so that the people who can't handle it could complain and then what cave to them. Or is this just a ploy that they are that brave director and next season there will be more. It is basically the choice of the network. Be brave or cave.

I know I am just one person but I have just given you every reason to cancel the show and to keep it on the air. It is your choice now. Are you brave enough to show your true colors like your Peacock emblem or are you really an ostrich sticking your head in the sand.

I really enjoyed watching the show. Thanks for that.

No Bull.

So, Tonight watching one of my favorite shows I learned a new word. The word is Generativity which as Dr. Bull (the main character on one of my favorite shows Bull) defined it as a person driven to help others and the belief in the future. To me it was no matter how bad things are they will be ok or better?  and Webster says that it means a need to nurture or guide others. It is a psychology term. A trait people gain in their 40s-60s. Basically this is the time in your life you are going to leave your mark. Especially for those that have children but since I don't we will ignore especially. I thought 40 is a little late for leaving a mark on your kids if you had them when they are 20 or 25 well your mark has been left for better or worse. So I am going to say that I would believe that people start thinking about the hill they have been climbing to get to be 50 or so years old. Ironically I am very familiar with said hill. And how as they reach that point they look both back at what they have done and forward to what they want to accomplish. They also are re-evaluating the timeline they imagined when they were 20 and how the world was going to stop for them and how they would break through the glass ceiling.

Now of course when I was thinking about this word since the beginning of the show and now some 4 hours later the word is still with me and sleep is not. I thought I would see how this word fits with me. Of course in the episode of Bull we have an hour to find a man innocent of a murder he didn't commit and he was totally aware of at the time. I, like Bull's character because he himself though he would never admit it might just have a little bit of this Gernerativity in himself. For the most part wants to believe the best of people and will defend those he believes in until the end. Hey now that sounds like someone I know. He used one of the people that works for him as an example that her life has had ups and downs but over-all has been alright by her definition even though other less optimistic people might say she has had it rough but rough is ok because it makes you stronger. Oh now I think I am breaking out into a Kelly Clarkson song.  Again sounds familiar. 

If I was going to analyze my on generativity I would say that I do believe no matter how tough things are they are going to be ok. And that those tough things make me who I am. And for the most part I like who I am. There have been times in my life I might not have thought that.I mean I have always thought myself strong but I don't think I always liked how I portrayed strong. I used to think that strong meant loud and in front of everyone. Just ask anyone that worked with me from when I was 17 until I was in my 30s, but as I got older I have learned that speaking very quietly to someone is sometimes gets their attention better than yelling and it makes people listen. Not that I am but in movies when ever the bad guy is going to tell you something he really wants you to hear he makes you lean in to listen. So I have learned that by not yelling and making people lean in they do sometimes hear what I am saying and maybe I can make a difference to the future generations even if they are not my own children. See I knew especially didn't apply to me.

I have learned in life that it does make one feel better sometimes to help others. And well I could live off of that feeling. There are times I do get sad because I feel like if you bought me a gift and it isn't something I like that you don't get me and I used to think that was sad because the person didn't care but I think the saddest thing is maybe they don't know me and that is most likely my fault. Now up until this point I had not a tear in my eye  but see that sadness from people not knowing me that hurts. Is because I don't show people the true me or do I protect myself from being hurt that I don't let many in. Hmm. I thought this was about my mark on the future but if I don't let anyone in how can they remember me. Of course I had to just stop because I was breaking into song again. "I will remember you."The next line of the Sarah Mclachlan song says, "Will you remember me." So here we are now I am not so sure I like the word if it is all about people thinking of me after I am gone. What my mark on the world is. I really like the idea better as Bull put it, A person that believes in the future. Well I do believe in the future and no matter the good the bad or the ugly. It will be ok. And on that I will say that I am a generative person. Ok one last song. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it looks like it is going to be another sleepless night. Ding, Ding Ding if you guessed Crystal Gayle you are playing along well. On that note get it, musical note. Good Night.

Books Some of my Favorite Things

Not sure as always when I start what I want to write about. I found a new little book store on Friday. You know the kind that used to be everywhere that sells used books for a reasonable price. The Little Shop of Wonders a very nice clean store and organized in a fashion that you can find what you are looking for. I bought two new books Marjory Stoneman Douglas' The Everglades: River of Grass and Washington Irving's The Sketch Book. both caught my eye and both right inside the door.

They have a section of Florida books and that is where I found the first book for less than a dollar. Yes, it is yellowed with age but so am I and the price is right for a book that I have wanted to read for a while. Written in 1947 about a place I have only driven through but would like to visit. As humans I find it sad what we do to nature to suit our needs. Our need to live in beautiful weather year round. Our need to live beyond our means. Our need for our own little slice of heaven on earth. But in the process we dry up places that have been wet before white men came to this country and flood areas that have never been wet. We kill off entire species so we can live in the beautiful place that we found beautiful because of the plants and animals. When we invade we are like the Brazilian pepper tree impossible to get rid of once it has taken root. I have only read the first chapter but she starts at the beginning with how the Everglades got it's name and explained that it is a river that ebbs and flows. She also shows that in the 1940's some of the smarter than average humans had already started to notice the damage we were doing but still today we argue how to resolve the problem but she fought her whole live to make the Everglades back to the natural wonder it once was. I know we can't undo all of what we have done but it makes me happy to see that there are still people trying to preserve the natural beauty and give us the ability to visit parts of the River of Grass without ruining it further.

Now off of my soap box and the second book I selected a less than $4 purchase and it to published in the 1940s but it is a compilation of short stories written by Washington Irving in the 1820s. I read 4 of them so far one called The Voyage about an American going to Europe for the first time and as he cruises across the ocean how the trip cleanses you from where you are from and opens you up to what you are about to see. The one thing I have noticed about great writers is they use five or six words to say what could be said with two. You just don't say that it is a beautiful day. You say something like I woke to cool breeze that smells of fresh laundry hanging to dry and the sunshine on your face warms you from the inside out. My words not his. He would be much more poetic. The second was called Roscoe. He writes of going to a library of the day in England  and meeting William Roscoe a person he feels is an icon but here he is in place where others gather to read and catch up on the news and Roscoe is just a normal person. For those that have never been to a library he is describing a scene you might find on morning in Starbucks of today (just guessing because I have only been in one once.) The third was called The Wife now if you are a married man and you have lived through some hard times and the person that got you through those times is that beautiful bride you picked for yourself a long time ago you will appreciate this story. He describes her as poetic as first love but with the hard times comes a sense of stability one might not feel on their own. She is the voice that says everything is going to be ok, even when she is not sure that is the case. She makes you face what you are not willing to face alone and she stands by you even after the worst has happened. Makes me kind of proud to be The Wife. And the last on Rip Van Winkle. I remember the story from my child-hood a less than ambitious man goes off for a walk on day and decides to stay for the night in the woods is better than facing his wife. He loses his dog and meets up with a strange small man and then doses off for the night. When he wakes and heads home nothing is quite the same as it was and he doesn't see any people he recognizes and he is starting to wonder if he is in the right village when he comes across his own house and it was in poor shape when he left yesterday but today it is abandon. What could have happened he wonders so he heads over to one of his favorite resting spots and inquires where his friends are and he is told they have been dead on 18 years. When he inquires of himself now not even sure who he is people tell him the story of how he wandered off one day and never came back. As he explains who he is they are amazed by the tale he tells.

When they say they don't write them like that any more that is no joke. Great little story that you can't put down. I didn't plan on doing book reviews today but maybe someone reading this on their computer will be inspired to pick up a book and enjoy.

A Storm Brewing Inside

Today I want to say it is very cold outside. Less than 50 degrees and even though the sky is blue the wind is cold and the air colder. So with the fireplace going I decided I wanted to write what I can about the last few months and show my gratitude for some people that I need.

Between life and my body and a rough hurricane season I have had a tough time these last few months. I was anxious about my out of wack periods and Hurricane Irma, so nervous I wasn't sure which thing to worry about. So I talked to a friend about my anxiety and saw the doctor about my period, and we then had Hurricane Irma and tree fell on our house but by December we had a new roof. So, Thanks to John and his crew for fixing the roof and it is as good as new.

The period thing was not so quick to  resolve. I had ultrasounds and other tests that you probably don't care to know about and I had trips to the doctor and finally a recommendation for a DNC. This seems simple but I am not a simple person. It took some convincing, hand holding, reassurance and more convincing that this needs to be done. But the day before Thanksgiving it was done.

So prior to this outpatient procedure you have to have pre-surgery registration and testing. Now I know you know that I am an anxious person but all this testing and what are they testing me for and what are they going to find and what are they going to make me do that I am not comfortable with. Well the answer was nothing. Checked my blood pressure and an ekg. Oh yeah that, well I knew that that would not be normal. My normal is not normal by others standards but the hospital wanted a second opinion on that. Now I have known for a while my mortality is a big part of my anxiety so going to a cardiologist is kind of scary for me but again. These nurses and doctors and other people of this office were so kind to me that really the things in my head were scarier than what happened. The cardiologist signed off and even did an echocardiogram. I am good to go for my outpatient procedure the day before Thanksgiving. So Thanks! to the people at this office that helped. And if you are in this position and you help others through what are everyday procedures to you but not for the rest of us again my very humblest thanks.

Surprisingly a huge weight was lifted when I left that office with the all clear. I was so surprised but realized I had worried about my heart being the problem with my blood pressure and all but my healthier choices this past year have helped with my weight and my heart is ok. Which is amazing to me. I know you are thinking I thought this was about her female problems. So did I. But it wasn't. The female stuff didn't worry me like my heart but I really didn't realize it until this moment. Anesthesia also scared me but that was because of a previous bad experience and this time the day before Thanksgiving. I had my DNC and it went well. The doctor was pleased, the anesthesiologist was like I would have been ok with that ekg and here I was doing this thing a month or so ago I would have sworn I would not. Even though the outcome still concerned me the doctor said that she couldn't see everything she wanted. All results benign. So great back to work in a few days and we are good. I feel a big but coming...

Well then I get a call from the doctors office and she would like to talk about the results. The results were good they just told me that morning. But ok. I made another appointment and I thought I know where she is going and if everything is good and they said it was, why would she still want to do a hysterectomy? I am not going to worry about it. How mature of me to think.

Well I didn't worry. I was pretty darn sure I was not going to have a hysterectomy when  I walked into her office two weeks later. It is the middle of December and here I am back at the doctor. Unless she tells me something really convincing I am not having a hysterectomy. That period is both literal and figurative. I mean I haven't had one since October life is good. Absence even makes my heart grow fonder of my period.  I had no intention of removing this appendix of my female organs. I swear I know I get my stubbornness from my parents but man sometimes I even amaze myself how stubborn I am. But this doctor and I we have a history and let me say she is a gift from God. She has withstood my stubbornness only because she has practiced with my mother beforehand but I have subjected myself to more tests than I can shake a stick at and as stubborn as I am I know she has my best interest at heart. And having periods for months at a time is not normal and not good for anyone and even though everything before came back benign and with some medical details added that I prefer not to share with the class I said yes.  Wait I said yes. Much quicker probably than she thought. But let me say she would have spent as long as it took to show me she why I needed to have this done. Just as she did 4 weeks earlier for a procedure. No cutting, no hospital stay and no recovery to speak of.  So it is getting close to the end of the year and I know I have already paid my deductible for this year but there is no way. Oh this lady thinks of everything. She saved a surgical spot for me before the end of the year. She knows I am not made of money and as much as I wanted to go home and think about it I was going to have a hysterectomy in 5 days. This lady is so special to me and if you ever need a recommendation I will gladly tell you her and her staff are awesome. And as I re-read what I just wrote the tears are coming down my face because they all made me feel like it was ok to worry and be upset and anxious.

So we are getting deep here but 5 days later and here we are with a new roof and yes I am having a hysterectomy. All the things that worried me are behind me. I know that I have cried and worried a lot about this over the last few months but this is it and it is all happening so fast I don't really have time to worry but I have nothing left to worry about. This is in my best interest. The doctor has done every test and tried to find a way to allow my worry and attachment to my uterus to allow me to keep it but it is not in the cards. Again the pre-surgery testing, less than before and good thing because we only have 2 days now since it was Friday when I found out and today is Monday and my surgery is on Wednesday. I let my family know and a few friends but that was it. I am doing this.

Wednesday morning I was nervous but good to go. Let's just do this thing. In 4 weeks I will be back to work and in 6 weeks a new women some say. I don't know that I want to be new but here we go.
Here she is the doctor of doctors waiting for me to be prepped. I asked what are musical selection is for today and she said that they had 50s music on tap but she said no we were going to have Christmas Carols. She told me I would probably not remember any of this but wait there is more. The anesthesiologist his name would make you laugh and yes I remember he who I told I was so nervous he tried to lighten the mood by sharing some anesthesia humor.  As I am signing the paper to say ok again these people don't think I am going to remember any of this but I do, he said, " This lady once asked what happens if I don't sign the paper and he replied a lot of screaming." I laughed then I think it was the drugs but honestly I was beyond anxious and if he would have been the guy a few weeks earlier I may have called the whole thing but I went with it and thought Brian would appreciate his humor and signed off and here we gooooooo.

Next thing I remember I was in a hospital room with Brian and my friend Lisa. Hmm. I don't remember the ride to the OR like I did a few weeks ago or being transferred to the table in OR. Yeah. The first time I remember all that. But here I am and it is all over and Brian is telling me I did great. The doctor talked to him and said everything was good. I remember laying there thinking what was I so worried about. The nurses were great. The only thing is that my glasses were with my clothes and they had not kept up with me. I ate soup and kept it down and that evening still no glasses some nice lady read the menu to me and I ordered food. No pain med pump so they took that. My IV was annoying because every time I moved it would start beeping. Not that they minded but they did have it moved even though it did beep more not nearly as much as it had. My sister came by and my friend Tracy and Brian came back I think.

I slept through the night and at 6 am after have blood drawn at 4 and watching tv for a couple hours the doctor came in and asked me some questions and she said, I didn't want to say it ahead of time but I thought this would be less painful for you than your worst period. Errrk. That is the sound of me hitting the breaks. But surprisingly so far less painful. Now I am still getting some pain meds through my IV but I am feeling pretty good at this moment and I told her the story about the anesthesiologist and she couldn't believe that and that I remembered that and the whole Christmas Carol thing. She said I had to go to the bathroom and walk a little and I was good to go home.

By 12:30 that afternoon. Less than 24 hours after having my surgery I was on my way home and feeling good. I know Christmas and New Years they passed me by but with just some ibuprofen for pain the first few days home I think I have done really well. I know there are those of you thinking when does the other shoe drop. But today is two weeks later and I have been following the doctors instructions and taking it easy and not driving and have stayed home a lot but I am feeling pretty good. Tired at times but really pretty damn good. Not lifting anything. No pain. The doctors office called this morning and again benign results.  I love this doctor of mine. I know all her patients are not like me and she is probably thankful for that. So tomorrow I am allowed to drive and take myself to the doctors office and follow up.

Knowing all is well I want to Thank all the people who have held my hand and told me things were going to be ok. If you have driven me in the last two weeks or brought me food or flowers or taken me to lunch your friendship is worth so much to me I could spend all day thanking you and to those of you who have listened to me on the phone or at work or anywhere else I could have told someone what I feared. Thanks for helping me through all of this. Even friends that had their own things going on and took their time for me. I know but these people mean the world to me and they are probably the only ones left reading. Thanks and if I can ever return the favor I would be happy to.

So as a rule I don't name names but I am making an exception today. Dr. Jennifer Hayes and her staff have hearts as big as the world. I didn't just start going to her office a few months ago when this last bout of problems started.  Dr. Hayes and I have a history. I have been seeing her for more than 5 years.  I have always felt that whatever she recommended was in my best interest but sometimes the fear of the unknown stood between me and my best interest. Not this time. Everything in its time and this was my time to have the surgery. Thanks Dr. Hayes and everyone in your office.

Happy New Year 2018! Here she comes that new woman.