Things Change

I always find it funny the thing, that has me laying in bed thinking and the next thought is, "Get up it is 3AM and you need to write that down." Everyone lays in bed at one time or another questioning in their mind a decision they are trying to make or just made. Me, being the over thinking type not only have to go through every possible reason to make a decision, then once the decision is made have to think of every reason I should have not made the decision. Then there is Rule #39, "There is no such thing as coincidence." Who's Rules? Gibbs' Rules. NCIS has been part of our lives for 15 years now and Brian's go to re-run to watch during the day on TV. I like Gibbs character the best and his rules. Seems they follow the same moral compass that my life follows. I think the rule that got me was #51 sometimes you are wrong. I have had a hard time with this in myself but I guess if Gibbs can be wrong every now and then so can I. Rule #9 Brian's favorite Never go anywhere without a knife.

Well enough of what got me out of bed and on to what I was thinking about. Last Thursday at work I was asked to make a change. A change I said, I would never make, just about an hour before I was asked to make it. Then the weekend of pondering, even list writing the pros and cons, why I should or should not make the change. But then Friday I was asked to do something outside of work that coincided with this change at work. Which made me think well maybe I should make that change. (For those of you that know how my mind thinks at this time of the night, Michael Jackson's song Man in the Mirror just popped into my head. Make that Change...The funny thing is the not wanting to change upset me. Because in my mind this change well I had made it before. I made it for mom and now to change again...Well was I leaving mom behind. I know to some there is no logic. Mom passed away more than two years ago. But it seems as life goes by there she is.  And when I say it upset me I didn't even know what was the part that upset me until a friend at work that asked the question, "what is the reason you don't want to change?" The tears rolled down my face. Mom! Just like now after I have made my decision. Stuck my neck out, I am going to try something new that I have been told that I will be good at. Here is the other thing. When you are really good at something it is hard to go on to something else that you don't know. Right now anyone ask me a routing question? How do you get rid of all the jobs? How do you know who to give them to? To me it is logic and magic rolled into one. And I am really good at it. I am not the fastest or the smartest. But I am really good at putting jobs on techs in what to me is fair and logical way. And I use my magic to fix the problems the techs have.They call in and say they have already talked to 3 different people and they couldn't solve but in less than two minutes I get that customer's TV on or their modem to be online. There is one tech that when he hear "Dispatch, this is Jeanne", the first thing out of his mouth is "Thank God it is you." Here is the kicker I really love it. I love fixing things and solving problems. I don't need to be the smartest or the fastest but I am really good at what I do so why in the world would I change?

As we all know everything changes. Not me but everything around me. And that is it. I don't like change. I am perfectly happy being perfectly happy, with what I have and where I am but then there is that part of me that can be better. I mean it took years before I could loose one pound and somehow over the past couple years I have lost nearly 50. I am never the hare but always the tortoise in the race. Slow and steady. But when these two opportunities came up at the same time and the one made me think well if I try that, then I can try this and I want to try this. I know I am vague but see nothing has been said at work or outside work for that matter and not that I have a bunch of work friends that read this but I like to keep things to me for now. Maybe not wanting to mess up the magic that brought both these opportunities together at the same time. So I am going to try both. Mom would be proud of me for the outside of work opportunity. And she and I would have adjusted to the other Like said, I made this change before see, I used to eat dinner with her every Wednesday night but then when I started working at night that changed. Neither of us liked that we wouldn't have that but then we had Friday. Friday was my day off that Brian usually had to work. So I would take her and grandma where ever they needed to go and go to lunch and the thrift store and even though I haven't done those things in years that is why I have off of Friday and Saturday. But starting next week that will change. Even now after sitting here for an hour thinking about this the tears roll down my face. Funny how people have an affect on me. Even when they aren't here. Man I miss her.

Good-bye friend

So I learned a secret last week at work. A secret that the person that I sat next to had gave their notice and was leaving. Now in the three years I have sat at my desk this person has sat by me for maybe a year and a half.

 I feel as though I have lost a friend. Not the friend that you gossip about work or the friend that you eat lunch with but this is the friend that at the end of the night while my mom was sick I would cry to in the middle of the parking lot about how hard it is to take care of her and this person listened. Listened in the way only a person who had been a caregiver of a sick relative can listen. Listen as only a person who had walked more miles in those shoes than I would have a chance to. Listen like a life long friend.

This person was so private and yet so giving. Sharing only what had to be shared but always knowing what had to be shared. Not giving away too much. So this very private person told the management not to let others know that notice had been given. And in return they didn't. So no fanfare for  a partner in crime or no cake or cookies to be had. Just a quiet good-bye at the end of the night with post it notes exchanged with phone numbers between us.

I actually had a dream last night of what it will be like tomorrow when I go in and the desk is empty. I already know because I had a call at the end of the night that kept me later so my dream was pretty close.

In the world of work I know there is no time for grieving for the loss of a comrade. Just one of the newer people will be given that desk and and they will wipe it down and adjust the chair and put up their name on the wall and it will become theirs. This is the part of working in a place where turn over is part of life and it is a part I don't care for. Back in my Eckerd days I was known to not be open to new people and basically because they wouldn't stick it out for the long haul. In my almost 33 working years I have worked for 3 companies full time. 21 years at the first, 6 years at the second and now I have been here 5. At Eckerds my friends had all been around and I am still friends with them and most of us would still be at those jobs had CVS not closed the office we worked at. I know I am a good employee but good employee's don't last forever and change is so hard. And no matter how hard I work I worry that the job I do well just may not be good enough.

Seems today people think a job is like well everything in life is replaceable. And I the employee well I am replaceable as well. I mean if all you have to do is wipe down a desk and adjust a chair who's to say my chair won't be taken up by another new person another day. My friend next to me was hired by my supervisors but had to be a gift from God. I wish I could share all the laughs in our corner and all the tears. I am usually the one listening to people's stories and trying to guide them along their path but this person my friend was definitely sent to show me that I could move on and that I could change. And that life can be good maybe not in the way it was good before but good none the less.

I know there are some that are thinking well that person is probably moving on to better things. And knowing this person the way I do which really is not at all. That person will be fine. See I thought about calling this post by the person's name and I thought about using letters of the person's name through out the blog to be clever but this person is so much more clever than that. So instead I will not give away the sex or the age or any other clue of the person that sat next to me. I will only say to the next person that shares a space with this person will be the lucky one.

Good Luck my friend in whatever you do and know that you will not soon be forgotten in my little corner of the office.

Pushing On

There is an old saying: somethings never change. But I have recently found the things you think will never change will. So it seems the sadness ebbs and flows and that doesn't end either, but I am learning to live with it. Today I took another step, I talked to someone about my mother's books. I have thus far not been willing to let others in to buy anything direct from my mother's house. My sisters have told me multiple times it would be easier but I feel as though it would not be easy for me. My sisters and brother have nudged me along to make progress and sometimes I have to step back and re-group because they are pushing on. I too will push on.

So if you have never been in my mother's house the bedroom my brother used as a kid became her tv room and library. One wall is floor to ceiling cook books and two other walls have book shelves that run the length of the walls about 3 feet high with books and in a couple places those book shelves are 2 deep not books but complete book shelves. Then there is her bedroom which has I think 6 book shelves that are 6 ft tall each again all books. And just for good measure she has one more shelf in the front hallway next to the front door full of children's books. So to say the least mom liked to read. We have already gotten rid of quite a few boxes of romance novels my grandma's favorite that mother would also read but her favorite was the westerns. Her Louis L'Amour books. At the end she gave away some of the Louis L'Amour books she wanted others to see the scenery she had scene through his words. Even I have one laying next to my bed and one of the girls that helped take care of mom carries one with her all the time. I hope mom has gotten to meet Louis L'Amour in heaven and she can hear the stories first hand now.

Back to the books. So I found a bookstore that when I walked through the front door of this old house I said to the man behind the desk. I think you are going to be able to help. He said, "with what?" I explained the situation and that his store looked like my mother's room that she spent most of her time. He was so kind and I finally said yes. That he could come and look at the books. He said he will bring everything he needs and for me to call next week so we can make arrangements for him to come over. I of course looked around and we spoke of books and he said my mother had been a good influence on me and my interest in history and books. And yes. I walked out with a book. A Marjorie Rawlings book South Moon Under.

Since I was already down in St. Pete I thought I might as well eat lunch at mom's favorite place down there. Fourth Street Shrimp Store another old Florida place. I had fried shrimp and fried clams. It was so good I brought another home for my brother, Al.

On the way back to her house I thought of what I need to do before someone can go through the books. I need to pick out a few that I want and then that moment of being overwhelmed by the sheer number of books. I know at one point she had counted and she had like 800 cookbooks. When I got to the house I stood and looked at the room and just couldn't even move. The first book I see and everyone else is one that the cover faces out, A Flower Grows in Ireland by Ron Wilson. I never knew why but it was the last book her sister Jan read before she died. She got it on her last trip to Ireland. I don't know if mom ever read the book but I know it is not being sold. It will find a place in my house. I only know this piece of information because about a year ago in preparation for mom going home from rehab my sister Beth helped me clean that room and when we straightened up the books that book was moved and mom had a fit as only she could have and the book was put back where it had been for well  more than 20 years and where it sits now because even knowing that I am going to take that book home I couldn't bring myself to remove it from the shelf.

So again, I went back to her bedroom to make sure the shelves back there were accessible and tried to figure out how to get more light back there so that the man from the bookstore can see what he he is looking at. But within the next few weeks the room that has been pretty much untouched will to be disassembled in the name of progress. It is the same feeling I felt when my sisters packed up some of the things from the living room for that my brother wants to keep. In my head it makes no sense not to touch the things that must be touched. I know I would rather do it myself than have someone else do it for me. As it was in the beginning I must make way for change and push on.