Peace and Grace

 Fifty-nine trips around the sun later. It is funny how at sixteen I knew it all, yet all these years later I have more questions than answers. All those years ago, my parents and I lived in a house with extra space. Over the years they filled that space and then some with my siblings but for that first year, it was just me. 

I remember so much of my childhood even parts people say I shouldn't be able to remember but yet I hold those memories like little clips of video reels stuck in my head. Remember when, I was about two and my mom was getting me dressed on the end of my parents bed. Remember when, we went to church at Clearwater High because Light of Christ was still being built. Remember dad holding my hand while I walked down the hallway in front of the cafeteria at Clearwater High after church.  No one is left but me, and my parents could never believe that those were memories and not stories that I made up that I remembered.

There is a memory of a story I don't remember but my dad told me when I was in about 7th grade. I was writing a paper about getting over something hard. I had no idea what I was going to write. My dad said, he remembered a time when he and I were walking and I tripped and dad stood there waiting for me to get up. There were these two ladies and they said to him aren't you going to pick her up? My dad said, I won't always be there for her. She needs to be able to get up on her own. That story has stuck with me. Now a days the world makes video reels about oldest children and how they need to learn to ask for help. At a very small age were we all told we don't need anyone to help us. Is that why we are stubborn and can't ask for help now?

Last night I met my sister Beth and her girls Emily and Ashley for ice cream. When we were leaving I mentioned that my brother's birthday is coming up next and we should take him out to lunch in the next few weeks. My niece asked if I wanted to have lunch with them by myself to celebrate my birthday with just the girls and Paul or if I wanted to share that with Al. My sister laughed and said she has been sharing her birthday with Al her whole life. We have always kidded each other about sharing birthdays. My sister Tori had her daughter Alex on our sister Beth's birthday. Since genealogy has always been a hobby of mine I have always believed that there are days that seem to matter in a family. Dad died on his parents wedding anniversary. Tori was born on my mom's parents anniversary. Some of the numbers of birthdates go in order: 15,16,17,18 then there are the outliers 5.22,24. Then there are the later numbers that lay to the side of the originals: 23.25 and 26 which takes the outliers and makes another group. Oh I almost forgot my day is shared by my aunt and uncle that got married on my birthday. They didn't know it was my birthday until their wedding day. See they gave me a pair of Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls. I thanked them for the birthday gift and they were really a gift for being the flower girl in their wedding. We were all confused that day.

In my 59 trips around the sun, I have spent more with Brian than I ever did with my parents or siblings. Yet somehow those first sixteen years, made their mark, left the scars and opened wounds that like a diabectics foot that will never heal. LOL. Not many would laugh at that analogy but not many would think of it either. Then again there are the lessons I learned, to be independent to stand up for myself and others. My ability to know what others feel and the empathy I have for them somehow was it always there or was it learned as well? 

Still more questions. In my adult years most of which I have spent with Brian we have had our moments as well. There are the ones that left scars and those that opened my heart like no surgeon ever could. Unfortunately, to open my heart they didn't crack my ribs. Just straight in with surgical prescision some have come into my  life and once they entered my heart they didn't close the door when they left. My pets would be one example. We are have had four dogs and six cats share our home and none of them sewed up the spot they entered my heart. Even Riley with his underbite ripping through my semi-old lady skin, I couldn't give him up. Maybe I am just a glutten for punishment.

Back to that know it all sixteen year old, she was a piece of work. So smart, yet naive. There are times I have questioned how it could be that I know somethings and other things that seem to be common knowledge to some is an obscure concept for me. It doesn't bother me when people don't get me. I understand that. My brain is clearly wired differently than most. I don't find it to be all bad. There are parts of me that people have told me along the way that I should fix. I shouldn't carry other people's back pack. It refers to me lugging along others problems as though they were mine and sometimes I set down my own and don't pay them any attention because of someone elses that I want to help. I understand the concept. It goes back to dad and that I need to help myself but there are times I dream of my load being lightened by someone willing to pick up my slack, but then again some of my slack I am the only one that can fix it or resolve it or carry it. 

As the new day is litterally about to dawn on my sixtith trip around the sun. I hope that my heart being opened for others will let me learn to give myself grace. That same grace I would offer any other living soul. I should offer to myself. That is the lesson I need to learn this year. Peace and Grace.

Grand Opening

Tonight I was thinking that this week has been a lot of Sunshine even though it has rained a lot. This Blog started out at a very sad time in my life and it helped me live with the sadness and pain I carried. I have always found it ironic I write more when I am sad or mad then I do when life is good. So today's post is to say I am thankful for the good times. The times that go by that I am not dwelling on yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. I am busy working on today.

In the last year and a half I have been volunteering for the Clearwater Historical Society. I signed up at a Fish Fry and thought it would get me out of the house and maybe I would enjoy it and meet some new people. Well. I started a few weeks later with a lady named Susan at South Ward Elementary School sorting through boxes of items that have been packed away in Plumb House on MLK Jr or Greenwood as I prefer to call the road. I have always had a tie to the Plumb House indirectly I dated a Plumb when I was in high school. I remember in their house in Dunedin was a framed poster of the Plumb House. 

George Washington portrait in kids corner

After mom passed away we had so many items that were related to Clearwater that we felt we should give them to someone to preserve them. My sister Billie and I dropped off multiple boxes at the Plumb House to people I now know to be Lila and Buddy who have spent countless hours along with Susan and I and many more sorting through items and boxes at the South Ward School. The historical society has had a lease with the Pinellas County School Board for a few years and with the help of donations and grants they rehabilitated the original school building from 1906 and tomorrow we are going to have our grand opening. I started a couple days a week a few hours before work and one of my days off. Brought some more items and cataloged items my family donated. I know to some they are just old things but to me they are memories. Tomorrow we at the Clearwater Historical Society will start sharing these memories with other residents and visitors in beautifully restored building. 

Wednesday night we had a party with a Who's Who of Clearwater and the turn out was great. It is the middle of June and people were visiting outside with each other and checking out the displays inside. Displays showing off businesses of days gone by. Some everyone will know and others I had never heard of. We also have school displays covering over 100 years of schools. I am anxious to share my story about the camphor tree on Gulf to Bay near US 19. On Wednesday night there were two ladies that were standing near my tree story and I started talking to them and let them know that I wrote the info on the tree and it's history. One of the ladies wanted to fact check me and was pleasantly pleased that I did my homework. The other after talking for a minute we realized she knew my mom. She read my story and loved the voice of the tree telling the story. My heart was so happy.

Paul working the sign in table for Grand Opening

That afternoon when I was leaving in the rain after working as long as I could, I crossed Fort Harrison on Turner one of the older houses on the right I spotted a white egret and anytime I see a egret I think of mom. So as exhausted as I was the tears started rolling down my face wishing I could share this with her. I don't know if she was still living she would have parted with some of the items we did but as my nephew Paul and I walked in the museum on Wednesday night I said, see that George Washington picture over there it came out of North Ward. Your grandma took it home when the school was going to throw it out. That picture spent years in a closet that we only saw when digging through the closet. Paul reminded me that yes, I had told him that before. I said, grandma would be proud. When my oldest niece was young grandma wanted to teach her that some things were sentimental. That was probably a big word for a Kindergartner getting picked up by grandma but it has been a running joke ever since. Someday soon I will start teaching her daughter words like that.

Grand Opening visitors

Days have passed so I am going to finish this post we had our Grand Opening, and it was a hit. We had hundreds of people in the museum. Seemed like all at once. I greeted people as they arrived along with Paul and heard their kind words of encouragement as they left. Most pleasantly surprised that the City of Clearwater now has a museum we can call our own. I am so glad that I signed up to volunteer that day. That was me sticking my neck way past my comfort zone and no matter how tired I am I love every minute of it.

Thanks for being a friend

I wrote back in 2013 about being friends in this day and age and the likes of Facebook (just a little play on words). And over the last few years people I haven't seen in years have requested me to be friends with them again. So many are people that I went to elementary school with and some even still live in the area and it is nice to see what they are up to and what is going on in their lives. Nice to see they are doing well and just like any friend to support them when they are going through a rough patch. But there is nothing quite like getting together and having a meal and talking.

Over the last few weeks I have been out with or talked on the phone with 3 different friends that I have know for about 30 years each. I have always said that one thing that I learned as a kid was to be loyal. And I can say that the friends I have are amazing. I have written about all the funny stories from back in my store days at Eckerd and the trouble I should have gotten into but the funny thing is that if I pick up the phone and call any one or all of the people from back in the day or if they called me I would do anything for any of them. Friendship is like marriage you can always fall back and one of them will be there to pick you up.

So a couple weeks ago I had lunch with my friend Sandy,  We were in band together. She said the other day how I always said the funniest things at the right time. I always remember us that we could just look at the other and start laughing just like with our friend Jane from back in the day. I don't know if every kid enjoys band like we did but God those were the days. Well, I hadn't seen Sandy since soon after high school. Not sure why we lost touch with each other but it happens. Funny thing when we met up it was as if it had only been a few months except for the fact that we had to catch up on all those 30 years. What happened after high school and that I had been with Brian for more than 20 years and that I worked for Eckerd's for that long as well but have another job now that I have been at for 5 years. She had been in the Air Force when I last saw her but she went to college afterwards. She has moved all over the country and me well I have been right here keeping the home fires burning. We talked about all the love and loss and we shared a lot. The waitress at the restaurant thought we would not stop talking long enough to order and then probably thought we would never leave after we were done eating. We talked about the people we kept up with and the ones that we miss. It was a great afternoon. Can't wait to see her again.

Then just this Friday I had breakfast with Tracy and we had the best time together. I just don't think I could ever express how appreciative I am to her for her friendship. It takes us just as long to catch up on a few weeks but it is our thing we do. Have breakfast and talk and laugh and sometimes cry. I thank God for her every day.

Yesterday after having the house tented for Termites and finally getting back in after being out for 3 days I got a call from Scotty. I always laugh at us, two unassuming friends we started off together in the store and moved on to corporate together and we ate lunch together everyday for more than 10 years and now when we get on the phone we have to catch up on all the things we would have discussed over lunch. Which movies has he seen and which Brian will watch and ones he isn't going to sit through. He tells of the plays or other cool New York stuff he has done. We talk about work and everything else in life and remind each other how great it is when we get to talk.

May not seem like anything exciting for most. Certainly not worth getting up at 5AM to write about but these are just a few of my friends that I try to keep in touch with. These are the people that keep my head above the water in the ocean of life and encourage me to keep swimming. That I can get through whatever it is I am going through and I am there for them to reassure them that they are much stronger than they believe as well. No one is in  this ocean alone, There is always someone to reach out to and grab hold of when you need a lift. I know people try to do the same on the internet and there are people that will reach out but no imoge can do what a hug or visiting with an old friend over a meal can do. Maybe we should all plan to get together more and put down all these smart devices and hang out with some really smart friends.  I am just glad that over the years I have always remembered my love for these and many more friends. And getting together with them for an hour every few months is way better than anything else in the world.

So to all of you who read this far. As the Golden Girls theme says, "Thank you for being a friend."

Good-bye friend

So I learned a secret last week at work. A secret that the person that I sat next to had gave their notice and was leaving. Now in the three years I have sat at my desk this person has sat by me for maybe a year and a half.

 I feel as though I have lost a friend. Not the friend that you gossip about work or the friend that you eat lunch with but this is the friend that at the end of the night while my mom was sick I would cry to in the middle of the parking lot about how hard it is to take care of her and this person listened. Listened in the way only a person who had been a caregiver of a sick relative can listen. Listen as only a person who had walked more miles in those shoes than I would have a chance to. Listen like a life long friend.

This person was so private and yet so giving. Sharing only what had to be shared but always knowing what had to be shared. Not giving away too much. So this very private person told the management not to let others know that notice had been given. And in return they didn't. So no fanfare for  a partner in crime or no cake or cookies to be had. Just a quiet good-bye at the end of the night with post it notes exchanged with phone numbers between us.

I actually had a dream last night of what it will be like tomorrow when I go in and the desk is empty. I already know because I had a call at the end of the night that kept me later so my dream was pretty close.

In the world of work I know there is no time for grieving for the loss of a comrade. Just one of the newer people will be given that desk and and they will wipe it down and adjust the chair and put up their name on the wall and it will become theirs. This is the part of working in a place where turn over is part of life and it is a part I don't care for. Back in my Eckerd days I was known to not be open to new people and basically because they wouldn't stick it out for the long haul. In my almost 33 working years I have worked for 3 companies full time. 21 years at the first, 6 years at the second and now I have been here 5. At Eckerds my friends had all been around and I am still friends with them and most of us would still be at those jobs had CVS not closed the office we worked at. I know I am a good employee but good employee's don't last forever and change is so hard. And no matter how hard I work I worry that the job I do well just may not be good enough.

Seems today people think a job is like well everything in life is replaceable. And I the employee well I am replaceable as well. I mean if all you have to do is wipe down a desk and adjust a chair who's to say my chair won't be taken up by another new person another day. My friend next to me was hired by my supervisors but had to be a gift from God. I wish I could share all the laughs in our corner and all the tears. I am usually the one listening to people's stories and trying to guide them along their path but this person my friend was definitely sent to show me that I could move on and that I could change. And that life can be good maybe not in the way it was good before but good none the less.

I know there are some that are thinking well that person is probably moving on to better things. And knowing this person the way I do which really is not at all. That person will be fine. See I thought about calling this post by the person's name and I thought about using letters of the person's name through out the blog to be clever but this person is so much more clever than that. So instead I will not give away the sex or the age or any other clue of the person that sat next to me. I will only say to the next person that shares a space with this person will be the lucky one.

Good Luck my friend in whatever you do and know that you will not soon be forgotten in my little corner of the office.

My Christmas Special

So it is almost Christmas Eve. It is 11:26pm on the 23rd. I am home alone because as any of you know that have ever worked retail Brian is working until midnight for those that need Scotch tape or just some Scotch. Only kidding. Walgreens doesn't sell liquor anymore but you get the idea. So here I am alone. Watched Kelly Clarkson's Christmas special from last year. As soon as I saw Robin Williams it made me remember he is gone. As I said in my post earlier this week I am overwhelmed by the Holidays. Everything seems to be an emotional roller coaster for me. Work, home, in the car. Everything seems to make me want to cry. And as I have said before not all are tears of sadness but tears none the less. This time of year has always been hard for me. When I was younger I would say I didn't like Christmas but that isn't true I just don't like the feelings that come with Christmas.

Christmas has always been a time of change in my life. I moved out on Christmas in 1991. The same year my grandmother died. And her funeral was on Christmas Eve. Can't really say I moved out that day. I just stopped going home. Well a year later on Christmas my roommate and I moved into a house on the beach that my other grandmother owned. And just to follow the pattern in 2003 Brian and I bought our house we live in today and closed the day after Christmas. Now moving has nothing to do with me liking or disliking or feeling sad around the holidays.

I remember that Christmas in 1991. My friend that I moved in with well I don't know if I can express all the feelings I have about him in one post but we ran the gamut. Love, Hate and everywhere in between. He took me to a Broadway Musical Christmas Show at Ruth Eckerd Hall. It was incredible. I loved the music, the singing the orchestra. I love real music, played by real musicians and songs sung by real singers. Anyway...

My Grandmother my Dad's mom and she passed away just days before Christmas. She was getting ready to go to work at the fish market. Crocheting in her rocking chair that is right behind me tonight. Grandma was Christmas. I can see her in her white coat ushering at church with her Christmas Tree pin that I now own. My prize possession one of my cousins passed on to me after her mom had passed it to her. Grandma had a tree decorated the same every year. Simple, elegant and beautiful. She had these small angel carolers under the tree. I wish I had just one. Makes me sad even now all these years later. She also always made cheese danishes and poppy seed roll and nut rolls and God only knows what else. I have made the cheese danishes and the nut rolls from scratch just like she did. Someday I will pass on these to someone.

This was not the topic I was going to write about tonight. I wanted to talk about family. And how important it is. And how you never know when you or someone you love are the one who will not be here for next year's Christmas Special. Which I guess I have always gotten and tried to share with my brother and sisters. There is no guarentee in life and being together now is all we have for sure. When my mom's mom lived with my mom I would remind my sisters that she would not be around forever and she lived to be 93 there was no reason to cry. We had our whole lives with her until we were all 40 or more. Grandma has been gone for 2 years and my mom's brother that lives 2 doors down from her never stops or calls. 2 doors down. I don't get it. My mom never did anything. The first year at Christmas I thought well he just doesn't want to give us money like Grandma and him used to. I don't care about the money. Then last year after my mom had her stroke I thought surely he would stop by. Now my mom can not walk as far as his house and I know the phone works both ways so it is not all one sided. But what is up. Why do people not realize when it comes down to it that family is what you have and even though you can't pick your parents or siblings I wouldn't trade the one's I have. It just brings me back to 1991 and Grandma Helen just wanted all of her kids and grandkids together for Christmas but everyone is busy. Well guess what a $600 plane ticket to get my sister home and there is a picture on Grandma's front porch on Christmas Eve of the family all but me who was working. I was at the funeral but went back to work afterwards. Retail I tell you. That would be my Grandmother's 4 living children, spouses and 16 of the 17 grand children. Did they all wish they had that one more Christmas with Grandma? Sure but a day late and a dollar short.

So in this day of everyone is so busy why am I the only one that remembers? One sister called tonight to ask why we are having Christmas late at mom's and why everything can't be the way the rest want it. And one has to work on Friday. I am sure that we aren't going to be that late and well this is not up for negotiation. The point of Christmas at mom's is it is last. You don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do so we can enjoy each other and open presents and eat together. Isn't that a song? No it is from a tape I listen to to settle my brain at night when my brain won't stop.

 Now for those of you that have not experienced Christmas at my mom's there was always and excess. Excess of food, presents and family. There was always someone that had no where else to go that could not believe a living room so full of family and presents. I remember the year my oldest niece was about 4. She was so excited. She ripped through the presents that she got like crazy and then she went to each adult and asked if she could open their presents. And ripped the paper and had it strewn everywhere. Gifts would be lost in the paper. Money evelopes would be lost and have to be found before the gift wrap would all be thrown out. That is the Christmas I like to remember. Even in the lean years. And there were some pretty lean years. My mom always wanted us to have presents. Something to open. Some special food. I don't know if it is because I am the oldest or if it is because I can not let go of some of these memories but doesn't anyone else remeber how hard she worked for us.

Well it is now Christmas Eve and I have listened to the complete Christmas album while writing and I just remembered one of the things about family I wanted to say back when I wrote that I wouldn't trade my brother or sisters. When we were kids it was one for all and all for one. I am not sure why and I am not saying that my sisters didn't wear my clothes and yes I got mad but I remember so many other times that we did everything together. We would play school, we would go exploring on the beach. We would walk for over a mile to get to the north end of the beach past the houses and look for shells and fish and crabs and whatever else we could find that we had never seen before. Now I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but there are 5 of us. I am the oldest, then my brother, then I have 3 more sisters. There is a 7 year age difference between me and my youngest sister. So we are all close in age. 13 months, 14 months, 13 months and 2 years apart.. Get it we are close. I know I have told the story of us deciding that we are going to swim from the dock across the street from our house to Island Estates. This was a story my uncle had said that he had swam with his friends from the north end to Caledisi Island. So we took it as well if he can I know we can. Oh another great group decision. It was crazy but we had my youngest sister on a raft because we knew she couln't make the trip but we were all going. I didn't realize it was crazy til we were over half way and saw a boat coming and realized how small our heads were and how it may not have been our brightest moment. Another day we were home alone one afternoon and a magazine salesman came to the house. We invited him in. Now we had no money and not really sure what the guy thought but we talked to this guy for quite a while before he left realizing we were not buying what he was selling. There were other decisions we made as a group. Some for good and some not so much. So I wonder where that feeling of all for one and one for all has gone. This last year since mom had her stroke she has not driven. I have been taking her to the grocery and where ever else she needs to go one one of my days off. Now with there being 5 of us that all live within 10 miles of her that we could share some of the responsibilities. And I am not saying never but really. Should I feel like my life is worth less than theirs. My house needs to be cleaned and I don't want to do it. I know it is not always easy and I don't always do it with a smile but I do it. And no I am not trying to be the marter. I just know what is right. And what is right is my mom needs help and company and if it means my house is a mess forever then so be it.

Now it is time to wrap things up. Get it wrap things up. Well both literally and figuretivly I want to be happy for Christmas and enjoy as much as I can and hold back the tears until I am home.

I do not care what I receive as a Christmas gift. I want the people I give a gift to to love the gift I give. I want to go to church, to sing Christmas carols to maybe watch midnight mass from the Vatican on tv and wrap presents. Cry when I hear Silent Night and enjoy my 3 days off in a row.

I know you all are thinking isn't there anything that makes this girl smile. Yes. All these things at one time made me smile. Just remember we don't know if all the people on this year's Christmas special will be on next year. So enjoy them while they are here.

Christmas Eve 1:16AM Merry Christmas