Drinks are on me

 All right. So I couldn't think of anything to write but it is nearly 6am on a Saturday morning and I am up staring at a blank page. I instantly play a game of solitaire on the computer to hope that I will stop thinking and go back to bed but when that doesn't work I go to a creative writing website with writing prompt ideas. I read through the list as though it is a check list. Done that. No, not that. No, not tonight. Maybe. Then I see the subject. Drinks on me. I can do that. I have a story that I don't think I have told here before.

When I was about 23 years old I took a job as a portrait photographer in Kmart. I didn't work directly for Kmart I worked for another company that provided the service in the store. I know it isn't exactly fashion photography somedays it was more like shooting for National Geographic. I think we had a week of training. Learning how to set up and break down the studio. How to load the camera with a 100 ft roll of film in a dark bag. Well if you know what Mary Tyler Moore's hair looked like back in the 1970's then you can feel your way through getting the film set. It was a mobile studio and you would be in a particular area for a long weekend like Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Then home a few days and back at it in another city. Making your way around the state.

On Wednesday I would leave the house with the studio packed into my car and would head to where ever we were for that week. Every six weeks or so you would be back in the same area. I think the first week I was out I was in Fort Lauderdale. And for example there may be 6 or 8 Kmart stores in that area so there would be that many photographers. I remember this guy that I trained with his name was Jeff. He was a few years older than me and had been doing the job for a year or so. He helped me set up the studio and showed me the tricks to get a kid to smile that was crying or how to pose a family. These were the days of film and negatives and there was no showing them the image or even seeing it for myself other than through the lens of the camera. 

In the evening photographers would stay at the same place they stay every time they were in that area. We stayed as a group and usually got a better rate. Most were mom and pop places as I recall. Jeff explained that some of the people shared rooms to cut back on their expenses basically so you can keep more of the per diem we got. I think we got $30 per day for our room and maybe $15 for food per day. So if you didn't spend the $30 per night on your own room and you only spent $10 that left you $20 extra dollars a night. That first week I think I wasn't so sure about sharing a room with others. I think I shared with another girl on the road. But since Jeff and I were fast friends. The next week I was sharing a room with 3 other total strangers and spending way less money on my room with more money to spend.

 I quickly learned that that extra money was drinking money. Each night after a hard 9 hours taking kid and family pictures we would all go somewhere and get dinner and then of course there was a bar that they frequented. We would all hang out and drink until the wee hours of the night and then back to the room to crash until we had to get up and do it again the next morning. After a few days I was getting the handle on the schedule and after a few weeks I had my small circle of friends that I hung out with and shared a room with and drank with. Jeff had a friend much younger even younger than me Tadd. Tadd was an over the top kind of guy but they were both great fun to be with. Tadd liked to sing and he loved singing Whitney Houston. Granted this is 1990s so everyone loved Whitney Houston. I can not remember a specific song buy I can picture him arms spread and belting out some ballad of hers as though it was his own. One night while sitting at the bar drinking. Jeff and I came up with a game. We would choose semi randomly a person at the bar that we didn't know and buy them drinks. The bartender couldn't tell the person who was buying the drinks for them and we would continue to buy drinks for this person until we were ready to leave and then tell them it was us. 

I don't know if this sounds as fun as it was. It was a endeavor in people watching. How does the person react? Do they get mad? Some did. If they are with other people what are they doing. The whole time they are looking around the bar trying to figure out who was buying them drinks. And the whole time the bartender knows his tip depends on him keeping our secret. 

Now I didn't last at this job very long. As much as I love taking pictures I prefer nature to families. The saying goes never work with kids or animals. I am not sure if that saying has anything to do with photography but after doing the job for a while you get it. Which I guess is why as young people we would go out each night drinking. Almost every memory I have from those 6 or 8 weeks that I did that job I remember the people I worked with like Tadd and Jeff and the fun we had going out in the evening. Telling our stories of the day. The kid that I caught about to fall off the poser from more than 6 feet away, that had two parents with their hands on the child as they fell. The family of 12 that would barely fit within the space of the backdrop. Trying to arrange them so I could see them all in the shot. I do remember one child by name Abigail. I only remember because she said her name about 100 times and to her it was a three syllable name Ab-i-gail.

We definitely had favorite bars. When we were in Dothan, Alabama one week and Panama City, Florida the next. The bar in Dothan was so much fun that we drove the hour and a half each way just to go to the same bar two weeks in a row.  Another place we went was in Douglas, Georgia and it was cold out and the bar was outside and we were freezing doing shots of Jagermeister. Most who know me would not believe that I would be doing shots of anything but back in the day with these guys I would not blink an eye at a shot of tequila either. 

As it got closer to Christmas the company needed more people up north and I drove my Mustang loaded down with my photo studio on my own to Pennsylvania and then on to New Jersey. I know it was for the money and the adventure. I can remember me getting up there and getting out of the car freezing in shorts that I was comfortable in when I got in the car in Florida. I stayed with a friend of mine that lived in New Jersey for that week to save money. I am pretty sure I quit after that week. Instead of like 50 sittings in a week I was doing that every day. People lined up to get their kids Christmas pictures. It was pure insanity. 

It has been more than 30 years since those days. I have not seen or heard from either of them in that long as well. Don't even recall their last names but the memories from that time are with me forever. I think it is a lesson in life. Some moments last a lifetime and sometimes the memories do. I would not trade the time I did that job for anything. I needed a change in my life and I did it in an unimaginable way.  Cheers.

My younger self

I was just looking for an idea for a writing prompt and it said to write a letter to your 14 year old self.

What would I say to that girl? Often if asked if I could do it again would I? I have always thought no. When I think of all the years that go by for some reason the hard things always come to mind first. I don't first think of my successes. So why would I want to relive my failures. Would I succeed where I failed the first time. Or would I fail where I first succeeded. Would I know the difference.

I wouldn't want to take a chance that I somehow wouldn't have met Brian. I don't know which things I would risk not doing that made me the person I am and which things I would do different that would change my entire life.

But if I was to give a 14 year old today advice about life.
Be true to yourself. 
Be honest with everyone. The truth is so much easier to remember. And the first rule I have always referred to is Never go back. 
Don't write anything down you don't want everyone to read. 
Don't say anything you wouldn't say in front of your mother.

Dear young girl,
Maybe you are related to me, if so I know you have opinions on everything. My mother was the queen of having an opinion. As her youngest grandson Paul would call her Bull Headed. A funny thing for her to be called since when she was young her family referred to her as Sitting Bull.

Mom did what she wanted and if that meant standing out behind her work smoking a cigarette with the men she shouldn't have been associating with in that day and age. Well, she did it. That same woman taught us that your station in life isn't important if you are a good person. Rich or poor it just doesn't matter. Mom grew up in a time and place where you didn't associate with people that were different than you. Yet somehow she taught us there are good and bad people everywhere.

A great piece of advice for you is that middle school and high school seem like forever but as you get older you will realize that those years are just a blip on the screen and there is so much more after that.  When people are mean it is usually because they truly don't like them self. They hurt others to make them self feel powerful. But those are the weakest people. They throw their weight around to see what they can get away with. Be nice and walk away. Always remember: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It is advice as old as the written word but there are no truer words. There is actually satisfaction to be had by being nice to someone that can't say a nice thing to you. As one of my favorite store managers told me just tell them to have a nice day. What can they say back to that. Well, I had a lady throw a box of medicine at me once because I told her to have a nice day. Still makes me smile today.

You will not be able to do everything right and you will treat people poorly. You will make mistakes. Recognize them as just that and improve yourself. You will befriend people you shouldn't and when you realize it cut your losses and walk away.

I have told the story many times that a boyfriend that I had been with for years. I thought we would get married after high school. Thought we would have kids and live happily ever after. It didn't work out that way and once I caught myself lying to him. I knew that I had to walk away. The friend I went to when it was over, funny thing is that was where he was going also. He had been seeing her behind my back. I sometimes think I wasted the years crying over this guy that I was just trying to please and there was no way I could. He didn't ever worry about making me happy. That is something to look for. If someone says they love you and they won't stick their neck out for you or defend your honor. You might want to think about not defending their's anymore.

A rebound is a rebound. Don't try to make it more. If a bad thing gets you out of a worse situation take it for what it is and keep it moving. It may seem counter productive but sometimes even a bad move is better than staying where you are.

 Realize that your time is precious don't waste it. In the same vain sometimes you have to be quiet and by yourself. Be happy with that person you are with. Know that she has a pure heart and means well. If she doesn't help her to do better. Yes, be nice to yourself. You are worth the effort.

True friends are the family you choose. Choose wisely and they will last forever. When they ask your opinion tell the truth but all the same expect the truth when you ask that of them. That is how you will know your friendship is pure. Those are the relationships that can last a lifetime. I can tell you I have been blessed with friends. Friends that tell me the truth and lift me up when I am down. And in the same turn I will lift anyone up that I can.

One truth in life is everything changes. Love where you are but know it isn't forever. Years of school become years of work. And one job sometimes leads to another and other times it leads to unemployment. Whatever happens keep moving forward.

I hope after reading this that you know you are capable of whatever you want to do. You can love others but have to love yourself first. That doesn't mean to hurt others for your own gain. The people you meet on your way up the ladder of life, they will be there on your way back down. Weather they help you or hurt you may depend on how you treated them.

Whoever you are know you are loved. That those that came before you, tried to make the world better for you. When I say hello to a stranger it was in hopes that someday someone will say hello to you when you need it. Smile and let them know how much it means to you. It may be what they needed to hear.

Love,
Aunt Jeanne

Friends forever

Tonight, I wanted to write about Friendship.. I am not a person with a million followers on Facebook or Snapchat (which I don't even have). I have what I would call true friends. Those are friends that you know, in person. Friends that you share life with not just share pictures of your live with. These are the friends that you call and will always answer. The ones that you can reach out to and they will be there to catch you, hold you or listen to you.

Romanticizing friendship on Social Media people say how important their friends are but how often do you hold your hand out and know there is going to be someone reaching back. It doesn't matter if life is good or not. If I am happy or sad. There are friends in my life that I know that if I pick up the phone they are there. And even if God only knows I would never not be there for them.

A week or so ago, I was telling someone at work about one of my friends and said how we had been friends for more than 30 years. I actually have more of those than work friends. Somehow my work friends usually become the 30 year kind. I am sure she can't fathom having friends that long since she probably isn't 30 years old. I feel like just like furniture and everything else in a 20 something's life friends are also disposable. There is nothing further from the truth. To have a friend you knew in middle school at my age each time we get together we can talk about the same good times and have the same memories and same feelings good or bad, happy or sad. Feelings of appreciation for the times we have shared even if they are years apart.

Changes happen and sometimes I don't see an old friend for a long time but then meet up with one of those 30 year friends that I haven't seen in that amount of time but it doesn't matter. There is something about a true friend no matter when the last time you talked or why it has been so long. When we get together all that matters is that we are there. I had another that I met up a few years back and we shared so many of the same things in life you don't realize all the ups and downs until you are reviewing that many years in one sitting.

You ask what is the purpose of all this friend talk. It is to say Thanks. Thanks for always being there. For always having my back. And if you are reading this and I have know you forever I consider you one of those people that if you reach out I will be there and please never forget. I am here for you. Even if you aren't 30 years old. There are a few of you out there that just aren't as old as me but I have probably known you most of your life. I am there for you as well.  Love you.

Even if I owned a Rolls Royce

A few weeks ago I wrote about the cars I have owned and as always before I start writing I read something I have previously written. Knowing today's subject I read what I had just written about my cars. I could have just as easily read something on friendship or dedication. Funny thing is the person I am thinking of today I mentioned in that last post the mechanic friend that has always taken care of my cars.

I have known him since I was about 8 he was one of my dad's students at PTEC (back then it was Pinellas Vocational Technical Institute or PVTI) learning auto mechanics. Him and his friends a motley crew if I had ever seen one used to come to our house. I don't think  my dad was a normal teacher and this was no normal class. These guys became part of our lives. They were all in their teens and we were just little kids. We all looked up to dad so we had that in common.

Richie, Kenny and Bill. I feel like there was another but his name escapes me. We stayed in touch over the years after dad stopped teaching and we moved to the beach these guys would still come over. I remember Bill telling about how he was never going to own a car until he had a Rolls Royce. He spoke of the craftsmanship and the details. I  to learned to appreciate the Rolls Royce. A fine car. I remember one year saying I wanted to have a Rolls Royce and in 1979 my mom bought me one

 1979 Matchbox Rolls Royce. I know you are thinking how could she still have this. Better yet how did I know where it was today when I started thinking about this. That I don't know either. It is just funny how my mind will remember things and how I can't let go of them. Literally.

So I am not writing about Matchbox cars or holding on to things forever but how it is that I am who I am because of the people I am surrounded by. My mechanic friend is Bill. He has worked on all my cars and he has saved me many times when I locked myself out of my car or stuck on the side of the road. My favorite Bill story is when I had trouble starting my car one day and he said bring it by tonight after work. I said to him, "are you sure it is going to start for me?" He said, "when you start your car think of me and it will start." I walked out the office door that evening and laughed as I pulled my keys out thinking that all I had to do was think of him and my car would start. Well of course it started. Just yesterday as Brian and I were driving back from Tampa my check engine light came on and immediately the car started to sputter as though it was going to stall and I stopped because those lights are not called idiot lights for nothing. The car wasn't over heating it wasn't low on water or oil. I had now exceeded my mechanical knowledge. So I called Bill if he says that I am good I trust him. No answer. Well, I considered my surroundings and there was a mechanic shop right next to the place we stopped. I walked over and asked if they would check what the light was. And they did the guy even called and ordered the part that was bad before telling me what was wrong. I hate having to put all my trust in someone I don't know but feeling like I had to because there is nothing worse than getting stuck on the side of the road on a hot summer day. So for $100 bucks I can be out the door in less than an hour. Brian did ask to see the part he was replacing. After wards the guy asked how many miles on my car and I told him. He said it runs really good for it's age and said I must take good care of it. I smiled and thought it isn't all me.

You might be thinking well your mechanic friend he wasn't there for you when you needed him but here is where you are wrong. At 9:30 last night when he got the message he didn't plop down and watch tv and say I will call her tomorrow. He called to make sure I had got home and was ok. Now if anyone else has a mechanic that will do that let me know. After he said that we weren't ripped off it made me feel even better. I may not know a lot about cars but I do know that people that do well in life surround themselves with people that are really good at what they do and Bill is really good at what he does.

The point of all this is to say Thanks Bill. I try to tell you sometimes how much your help has meant and maybe that is too much for you but I wanted you to know that even if I owned a Rolls Royce you would still be my go to mechanic.  Thanks for years of helping this girl out when she needed it.

A Storm Brewing Inside

Today I want to say it is very cold outside. Less than 50 degrees and even though the sky is blue the wind is cold and the air colder. So with the fireplace going I decided I wanted to write what I can about the last few months and show my gratitude for some people that I need.

Between life and my body and a rough hurricane season I have had a tough time these last few months. I was anxious about my out of wack periods and Hurricane Irma, so nervous I wasn't sure which thing to worry about. So I talked to a friend about my anxiety and saw the doctor about my period, and we then had Hurricane Irma and tree fell on our house but by December we had a new roof. So, Thanks to John and his crew for fixing the roof and it is as good as new.

The period thing was not so quick to  resolve. I had ultrasounds and other tests that you probably don't care to know about and I had trips to the doctor and finally a recommendation for a DNC. This seems simple but I am not a simple person. It took some convincing, hand holding, reassurance and more convincing that this needs to be done. But the day before Thanksgiving it was done.

So prior to this outpatient procedure you have to have pre-surgery registration and testing. Now I know you know that I am an anxious person but all this testing and what are they testing me for and what are they going to find and what are they going to make me do that I am not comfortable with. Well the answer was nothing. Checked my blood pressure and an ekg. Oh yeah that, well I knew that that would not be normal. My normal is not normal by others standards but the hospital wanted a second opinion on that. Now I have known for a while my mortality is a big part of my anxiety so going to a cardiologist is kind of scary for me but again. These nurses and doctors and other people of this office were so kind to me that really the things in my head were scarier than what happened. The cardiologist signed off and even did an echocardiogram. I am good to go for my outpatient procedure the day before Thanksgiving. So Thanks! to the people at this office that helped. And if you are in this position and you help others through what are everyday procedures to you but not for the rest of us again my very humblest thanks.

Surprisingly a huge weight was lifted when I left that office with the all clear. I was so surprised but realized I had worried about my heart being the problem with my blood pressure and all but my healthier choices this past year have helped with my weight and my heart is ok. Which is amazing to me. I know you are thinking I thought this was about her female problems. So did I. But it wasn't. The female stuff didn't worry me like my heart but I really didn't realize it until this moment. Anesthesia also scared me but that was because of a previous bad experience and this time the day before Thanksgiving. I had my DNC and it went well. The doctor was pleased, the anesthesiologist was like I would have been ok with that ekg and here I was doing this thing a month or so ago I would have sworn I would not. Even though the outcome still concerned me the doctor said that she couldn't see everything she wanted. All results benign. So great back to work in a few days and we are good. I feel a big but coming...

Well then I get a call from the doctors office and she would like to talk about the results. The results were good they just told me that morning. But ok. I made another appointment and I thought I know where she is going and if everything is good and they said it was, why would she still want to do a hysterectomy? I am not going to worry about it. How mature of me to think.

Well I didn't worry. I was pretty darn sure I was not going to have a hysterectomy when  I walked into her office two weeks later. It is the middle of December and here I am back at the doctor. Unless she tells me something really convincing I am not having a hysterectomy. That period is both literal and figurative. I mean I haven't had one since October life is good. Absence even makes my heart grow fonder of my period.  I had no intention of removing this appendix of my female organs. I swear I know I get my stubbornness from my parents but man sometimes I even amaze myself how stubborn I am. But this doctor and I we have a history and let me say she is a gift from God. She has withstood my stubbornness only because she has practiced with my mother beforehand but I have subjected myself to more tests than I can shake a stick at and as stubborn as I am I know she has my best interest at heart. And having periods for months at a time is not normal and not good for anyone and even though everything before came back benign and with some medical details added that I prefer not to share with the class I said yes.  Wait I said yes. Much quicker probably than she thought. But let me say she would have spent as long as it took to show me she why I needed to have this done. Just as she did 4 weeks earlier for a procedure. No cutting, no hospital stay and no recovery to speak of.  So it is getting close to the end of the year and I know I have already paid my deductible for this year but there is no way. Oh this lady thinks of everything. She saved a surgical spot for me before the end of the year. She knows I am not made of money and as much as I wanted to go home and think about it I was going to have a hysterectomy in 5 days. This lady is so special to me and if you ever need a recommendation I will gladly tell you her and her staff are awesome. And as I re-read what I just wrote the tears are coming down my face because they all made me feel like it was ok to worry and be upset and anxious.

So we are getting deep here but 5 days later and here we are with a new roof and yes I am having a hysterectomy. All the things that worried me are behind me. I know that I have cried and worried a lot about this over the last few months but this is it and it is all happening so fast I don't really have time to worry but I have nothing left to worry about. This is in my best interest. The doctor has done every test and tried to find a way to allow my worry and attachment to my uterus to allow me to keep it but it is not in the cards. Again the pre-surgery testing, less than before and good thing because we only have 2 days now since it was Friday when I found out and today is Monday and my surgery is on Wednesday. I let my family know and a few friends but that was it. I am doing this.

Wednesday morning I was nervous but good to go. Let's just do this thing. In 4 weeks I will be back to work and in 6 weeks a new women some say. I don't know that I want to be new but here we go.
Here she is the doctor of doctors waiting for me to be prepped. I asked what are musical selection is for today and she said that they had 50s music on tap but she said no we were going to have Christmas Carols. She told me I would probably not remember any of this but wait there is more. The anesthesiologist his name would make you laugh and yes I remember he who I told I was so nervous he tried to lighten the mood by sharing some anesthesia humor.  As I am signing the paper to say ok again these people don't think I am going to remember any of this but I do, he said, " This lady once asked what happens if I don't sign the paper and he replied a lot of screaming." I laughed then I think it was the drugs but honestly I was beyond anxious and if he would have been the guy a few weeks earlier I may have called the whole thing but I went with it and thought Brian would appreciate his humor and signed off and here we gooooooo.

Next thing I remember I was in a hospital room with Brian and my friend Lisa. Hmm. I don't remember the ride to the OR like I did a few weeks ago or being transferred to the table in OR. Yeah. The first time I remember all that. But here I am and it is all over and Brian is telling me I did great. The doctor talked to him and said everything was good. I remember laying there thinking what was I so worried about. The nurses were great. The only thing is that my glasses were with my clothes and they had not kept up with me. I ate soup and kept it down and that evening still no glasses some nice lady read the menu to me and I ordered food. No pain med pump so they took that. My IV was annoying because every time I moved it would start beeping. Not that they minded but they did have it moved even though it did beep more not nearly as much as it had. My sister came by and my friend Tracy and Brian came back I think.

I slept through the night and at 6 am after have blood drawn at 4 and watching tv for a couple hours the doctor came in and asked me some questions and she said, I didn't want to say it ahead of time but I thought this would be less painful for you than your worst period. Errrk. That is the sound of me hitting the breaks. But surprisingly so far less painful. Now I am still getting some pain meds through my IV but I am feeling pretty good at this moment and I told her the story about the anesthesiologist and she couldn't believe that and that I remembered that and the whole Christmas Carol thing. She said I had to go to the bathroom and walk a little and I was good to go home.

By 12:30 that afternoon. Less than 24 hours after having my surgery I was on my way home and feeling good. I know Christmas and New Years they passed me by but with just some ibuprofen for pain the first few days home I think I have done really well. I know there are those of you thinking when does the other shoe drop. But today is two weeks later and I have been following the doctors instructions and taking it easy and not driving and have stayed home a lot but I am feeling pretty good. Tired at times but really pretty damn good. Not lifting anything. No pain. The doctors office called this morning and again benign results.  I love this doctor of mine. I know all her patients are not like me and she is probably thankful for that. So tomorrow I am allowed to drive and take myself to the doctors office and follow up.

Knowing all is well I want to Thank all the people who have held my hand and told me things were going to be ok. If you have driven me in the last two weeks or brought me food or flowers or taken me to lunch your friendship is worth so much to me I could spend all day thanking you and to those of you who have listened to me on the phone or at work or anywhere else I could have told someone what I feared. Thanks for helping me through all of this. Even friends that had their own things going on and took their time for me. I know but these people mean the world to me and they are probably the only ones left reading. Thanks and if I can ever return the favor I would be happy to.

So as a rule I don't name names but I am making an exception today. Dr. Jennifer Hayes and her staff have hearts as big as the world. I didn't just start going to her office a few months ago when this last bout of problems started.  Dr. Hayes and I have a history. I have been seeing her for more than 5 years.  I have always felt that whatever she recommended was in my best interest but sometimes the fear of the unknown stood between me and my best interest. Not this time. Everything in its time and this was my time to have the surgery. Thanks Dr. Hayes and everyone in your office.

Happy New Year 2018! Here she comes that new woman.

Loyalty Anyone?

I was at the bank last week and at the end of my transaction the teller said to me,"You have been a customer here for 25 years. Thanks for your loyalty." I thought that was funny because I have had the same acct number for the last 25 years but I haven't had the same bank for 25 years. The bank I think has changed names at least 3 times. Which in this day an age is probably not a lot. Then I started thinking about other things that I have done the same for a long time. I mean the cell phone company we use can't believe we have been customers for 18 years. But again, we have had the same acct but the company has changed 3 times. All of this seems ordinary for me to have been doing things the same way for a long time but I guess to others it isn't the norm.

Even talking to a Financial Adviser about refinancing my house I only assumed that I would refinance with the same company that our home has been financed with for the last 13 years. He recommended shopping around. I understand I could possibly get a better price but the thing is I am used to the level of service I get now. That might change and I don't want to change just to save a few percentage points, do I? Then I thought would this person recommend me shopping around for a new adviser? Probably not.

My first full time job I worked for the same company for over 20 years. I worked many different jobs within the company and would still be there if it wasn't for a buy out and the corporate office moving out of state. I have joked that no one ever told me I was supposed to quit my first job. So I waited for them to quit me. I am sure the company I work for now like every other one I have ever worked for I will not leave til they quit me which should make many happy. And I am sure the company I work for wouldn't recommend you shopping around for a new cable provider. I am sure my insurance agent of God knows how many years who worked with my mom and grandmother wouldn't want me to change either.

Yet for some reason now a days people change cell phone carriers every other year and jobs just as often. One thing I learned when I was about 20 years old from one of my best friends who was quit by his first job and had to start over with another company was that the grass is not greener on the other side. It is merely the angle which you are looking at the grass I believe that makes it appear greener. So why do people change things so often?

I have had the same best friend more than half of my life and I am not looking for best friend 2.0 or husband 2.0 as Brian likes to joke. I am happy with the same friend and same husband I have always had.

So I looked up the definition of Loyalty: faithfulness to commitment or obligation, the quality or state or instance of being loyal.

Well this is definitely me. I am committed to my obligations and faithful to a fault. Til death do us part is not just words I said in front of a bunch of people to Brian almost 20 years ago. I mean them as much today as I did then. But I would also say that even if you are a friend of mine and we never stood in front of our friends and family and pledged allegiance to each other I extend the same to you. I will not quit you until you have quit me.

I don't know if everyone in the world is as lucky as I to have worked for the same company for so long but in those 20 years I worked for the same company I made lots of friends that also worked for that company for a long time. There was a group we called the "Lunch Bunch" that ate lunch together every day for maybe 10 years and even now 12 years since the last time we worked together we still try to get together a few times a year and have a meal and talk about what is new.

I am not sure if it was nature or nurture that caused me to be so loyal. But for people that have lots of new things and new friends don't you sometimes want someone that shared the old times with to talk to. Someone that knows your story that knows the ups and the downs of your life and you know theirs to share time with. To laugh and cry about the things that were done years ago but to go and have new adventures with. So while you are in some new place doing some new thing you remind each other of some time years ago that you did something similar but yet the experience is different today. It is different because you had that experience years ago. You knew what to now expect. Isn't that what I said in the beginning about why I was loyal. I know what to expect.

Hmm. I am happy with the friends I have and the family God gave me and the job I have. I may cry about all of them and whine about some of them but I know what to expect and the same goes for the companies I have done business with for years. You know me and I know you and well until you change I am not going to change either.

Thanks for being a friend

I wrote back in 2013 about being friends in this day and age and the likes of Facebook (just a little play on words). And over the last few years people I haven't seen in years have requested me to be friends with them again. So many are people that I went to elementary school with and some even still live in the area and it is nice to see what they are up to and what is going on in their lives. Nice to see they are doing well and just like any friend to support them when they are going through a rough patch. But there is nothing quite like getting together and having a meal and talking.

Over the last few weeks I have been out with or talked on the phone with 3 different friends that I have know for about 30 years each. I have always said that one thing that I learned as a kid was to be loyal. And I can say that the friends I have are amazing. I have written about all the funny stories from back in my store days at Eckerd and the trouble I should have gotten into but the funny thing is that if I pick up the phone and call any one or all of the people from back in the day or if they called me I would do anything for any of them. Friendship is like marriage you can always fall back and one of them will be there to pick you up.

So a couple weeks ago I had lunch with my friend Sandy,  We were in band together. She said the other day how I always said the funniest things at the right time. I always remember us that we could just look at the other and start laughing just like with our friend Jane from back in the day. I don't know if every kid enjoys band like we did but God those were the days. Well, I hadn't seen Sandy since soon after high school. Not sure why we lost touch with each other but it happens. Funny thing when we met up it was as if it had only been a few months except for the fact that we had to catch up on all those 30 years. What happened after high school and that I had been with Brian for more than 20 years and that I worked for Eckerd's for that long as well but have another job now that I have been at for 5 years. She had been in the Air Force when I last saw her but she went to college afterwards. She has moved all over the country and me well I have been right here keeping the home fires burning. We talked about all the love and loss and we shared a lot. The waitress at the restaurant thought we would not stop talking long enough to order and then probably thought we would never leave after we were done eating. We talked about the people we kept up with and the ones that we miss. It was a great afternoon. Can't wait to see her again.

Then just this Friday I had breakfast with Tracy and we had the best time together. I just don't think I could ever express how appreciative I am to her for her friendship. It takes us just as long to catch up on a few weeks but it is our thing we do. Have breakfast and talk and laugh and sometimes cry. I thank God for her every day.

Yesterday after having the house tented for Termites and finally getting back in after being out for 3 days I got a call from Scotty. I always laugh at us, two unassuming friends we started off together in the store and moved on to corporate together and we ate lunch together everyday for more than 10 years and now when we get on the phone we have to catch up on all the things we would have discussed over lunch. Which movies has he seen and which Brian will watch and ones he isn't going to sit through. He tells of the plays or other cool New York stuff he has done. We talk about work and everything else in life and remind each other how great it is when we get to talk.

May not seem like anything exciting for most. Certainly not worth getting up at 5AM to write about but these are just a few of my friends that I try to keep in touch with. These are the people that keep my head above the water in the ocean of life and encourage me to keep swimming. That I can get through whatever it is I am going through and I am there for them to reassure them that they are much stronger than they believe as well. No one is in  this ocean alone, There is always someone to reach out to and grab hold of when you need a lift. I know people try to do the same on the internet and there are people that will reach out but no imoge can do what a hug or visiting with an old friend over a meal can do. Maybe we should all plan to get together more and put down all these smart devices and hang out with some really smart friends.  I am just glad that over the years I have always remembered my love for these and many more friends. And getting together with them for an hour every few months is way better than anything else in the world.

So to all of you who read this far. As the Golden Girls theme says, "Thank you for being a friend."

Good-bye friend

So I learned a secret last week at work. A secret that the person that I sat next to had gave their notice and was leaving. Now in the three years I have sat at my desk this person has sat by me for maybe a year and a half.

 I feel as though I have lost a friend. Not the friend that you gossip about work or the friend that you eat lunch with but this is the friend that at the end of the night while my mom was sick I would cry to in the middle of the parking lot about how hard it is to take care of her and this person listened. Listened in the way only a person who had been a caregiver of a sick relative can listen. Listen as only a person who had walked more miles in those shoes than I would have a chance to. Listen like a life long friend.

This person was so private and yet so giving. Sharing only what had to be shared but always knowing what had to be shared. Not giving away too much. So this very private person told the management not to let others know that notice had been given. And in return they didn't. So no fanfare for  a partner in crime or no cake or cookies to be had. Just a quiet good-bye at the end of the night with post it notes exchanged with phone numbers between us.

I actually had a dream last night of what it will be like tomorrow when I go in and the desk is empty. I already know because I had a call at the end of the night that kept me later so my dream was pretty close.

In the world of work I know there is no time for grieving for the loss of a comrade. Just one of the newer people will be given that desk and and they will wipe it down and adjust the chair and put up their name on the wall and it will become theirs. This is the part of working in a place where turn over is part of life and it is a part I don't care for. Back in my Eckerd days I was known to not be open to new people and basically because they wouldn't stick it out for the long haul. In my almost 33 working years I have worked for 3 companies full time. 21 years at the first, 6 years at the second and now I have been here 5. At Eckerds my friends had all been around and I am still friends with them and most of us would still be at those jobs had CVS not closed the office we worked at. I know I am a good employee but good employee's don't last forever and change is so hard. And no matter how hard I work I worry that the job I do well just may not be good enough.

Seems today people think a job is like well everything in life is replaceable. And I the employee well I am replaceable as well. I mean if all you have to do is wipe down a desk and adjust a chair who's to say my chair won't be taken up by another new person another day. My friend next to me was hired by my supervisors but had to be a gift from God. I wish I could share all the laughs in our corner and all the tears. I am usually the one listening to people's stories and trying to guide them along their path but this person my friend was definitely sent to show me that I could move on and that I could change. And that life can be good maybe not in the way it was good before but good none the less.

I know there are some that are thinking well that person is probably moving on to better things. And knowing this person the way I do which really is not at all. That person will be fine. See I thought about calling this post by the person's name and I thought about using letters of the person's name through out the blog to be clever but this person is so much more clever than that. So instead I will not give away the sex or the age or any other clue of the person that sat next to me. I will only say to the next person that shares a space with this person will be the lucky one.

Good Luck my friend in whatever you do and know that you will not soon be forgotten in my little corner of the office.

85 Days

So... I am at a cross roads an impasse a fork in the road. Where do I go what do I say? None of these questions are easily answered today.



Today I want to tell you about 85 days that ended with 2 hours of perfection.

Jeanne K. Basore

For the last 85 days my mother has needed constant care. Not by a staff of nurses or a hospital or even a nursing home. She asked to be taken home and for her children to care for her. Her children are not care givers or nurses or in the medical field. We are dispatchers and office workers and retail employees and dental assistants and city employees. We luckily have friends that are in nursing school and respiratory therapist and lpn's and cna's. On November 15 my mom had a stroke and was taken to the hospital where I met her. She could not speak well but I was able to figure out what she was saying. Mom could only say a few words right after the stroke she seemed to say two best. "NO and "Bullshit" they became two of her favorite words over the next few days and weeks. She was admitted into ICU but before hand they wanted to put in a catheter. Well that was never going to happen. I am pretty sure she said, Hell No. So ICU it was but only for a day. She was too much for that so she was moved to the Neurological floor being she had a stroke. She had been given two swallow tests and failed both what does that mean well that they don't feel it is safe for you to eat. Then on November 17 at 7AM we were told  by a hospital doctor that my mother was unlikely to make it through the day.  The doctor said that we could try to feed her anything she wanted basically because they had no hope. So she ate. Small slow bites and not very much. She sipped at coke and by that afternoon my mother got up out of her bed and walked into the hallway with the physical therapist because she saw a friend standing there she had not seen in years. The nurses jaw hit the floor. My mom then said as only she would, I walked this far can I have a cigarette now?

Over the next few days we saw great strides and great setbacks but by Thursday they said we needed a plan. What are we planning was our question is she going to get better or is she going home to die? We were not sure of either. The doctors at this point said by what she is able to eat she will not make it until Thanksgiving. Well that is just next Thursday. We knew she was going to need round the clock care and a hospital bed so we started with those things.

And so our nursing experience started. My mother was nothing if she was not stubborn so as soon as she saw the ramp my sister's husband built for her she was mad. She would have gotten up and kicked it over into the pool and walked up the steps with assistance if she could have. But at some point we knew we needed to do whatever we could to help. Hospital bed would have ended up in the pool on top of the ramp as well if mom could have lifted it. Now with 5 of us you would think that would not be bad to try to have coverage but we all have jobs and even though all our jobs were flexible and our bosses kind. It is the week of a holiday and we can take some time and spend it with mom. The overnights were by far the hardest but every hour of the day had it's challenges.

The first few weeks she had more visitors, neighbors, old friends, previous co-workers, the mailman, employees from Publix and CVS came by to visit. The biggest surprise was our dad. They had not spoken in years but he came and sat with her and visited. They watched the old home movies and made their peace which is what was important for both of them.

 After we got through Thanksgiving and into December my mother announced one day that it was no longer a death watch. She was eating frozen orange juice and pineapple juice and Slurpee's. My brother came up with some of the best idea's. I was amazed and she would try things when he put them in front of her. She liked cold gazpacho soup I made when it was pureed. As the weeks turned into months we had to have more help. We were wearing ourselves too thin. So we brought in reinforcements.

My sister had a friend that had already been helping mom on her days off and she started to spend more time and we had another friend that had done private duty before that was free in the morning. We still were running short in the afternoon but we finally found a new friend that I knew as soon as I spoke to her that mother was going to love her. And my sister's friend the respiratory therapist that was coming to check on her and giving us whatever tips he had. The funny thing was that all these people loved and cared for mom in their own way as though she was their own mother.

People have asked didn't you have Hospice help. No. Mom didn't want strangers taking care of her. She didn't want strangers in the house. I have told people from the beginning that this was the hardest thing I have ever done and I felt like we should have a t-shirt or a medal declaring that we have done it. A friend of mine told me yesterday when I said that to her,"you will receive that medal when you see your mom again." I felt much better.

Mom loved all of these people. The respiratory therapist spoke to mom about football and music. She told him of players like Fran Tarkenton and George Blanda and singers like Frank Sinatra and Kris Kristofferson. So the next time he was over he brought a cd he had made for her of some of her favorites. He would come after working in Ocala to sit with mom overnight. Which was when her breathing was the worst.  He would come and watch football with her. One of the girls loved old movies and would watch them with mom as soon as she said John Wayne mom was sold. Another just sat and chatted with her and helped with bathing. Everything they did was to make her life better and to give her the dignity she deserved and the 5 of us the peace that we could leave and she was in good hands. They each taught us how to move her or transfer her and how to adjust her to make her as comfortable as we could.

They each had the patients of saints to do what mom asked and took care of her as though it was their own mom. Thank you Donnell, Carrie, Jarma, Kayla, Jerrica for helping and just being there.

Mom had physical therapy, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. She would request the same people and was not happy if it was not Brian, Pam and Paul. One even told her she was his favorite and he wasn't suppose to say he had a favorite. When she was not well enough to do exercises they would sit and visit with her. Check her vitals and again any tips they had they would share.

Christmas at Mom's 2007

So Christmas came and we did as always, we all showed up at moms and visited and exchanged gifts. I had made some food not as much as mom would have but none the less there was more than enough. New Years Eve I spent overnight with mom. We watched the ball drop and watched old movies. We have all sat through the hours of home movies with her that one of my sisters got copied to dvd this year with her. The kids even came up with an idea for a game. How many things can you write down that you see in the movies that you can still find in her house. We will have to play someday.


So frozen orange juice became ice chips and soup became pureed fruit cups. The acid would upset her stomach from all the juice. Never did she say she was hungry. Never in pain. Uncomfortable and even miserable at times but she was tough as nails. She would asked for a sip of coke by holding up her thumb and forefinger like you would show a pinch. As time past it was harder and harder to understand the words she said so we turned to a clipboard and reams of paper and mom's own version of sign language which we all learned. A thumb up meant lift me up higher in the bed. Just like that she created and we learned a new language. We are still torn on what will happen to all that paper but when we had a hard time understanding her we would say,"write it down mom." Trying to make communicating less frustrating for everyone.

Our 85 days is nearly up but you don't know until you know that sort of thing remember the doctors only gave her hours then weeks then they finally stopped predicting the future.

On Thursday January 28th mom said she was tired of fighting and on Friday January 29th we were all over at the house. She was not responsive to anything Tori had been there over night and Al that day, I spent the afternoon and Billie and Beth came in the evening along with their kids. We were all there. Timmy and Alex had been by. When her youngest granddaughter Ashley walked in and said "why is wheel of fortune not on. Grandma wants to watch her shows." So we watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and the kids told grandma what they did at school that day and played along with the game shows. Emily had a great story of almost getting sick while singing because her group became a duet which almost became a solo as others dropped out or forgot the words. It was a great story for grandma to hear. Paul got an award for Student of the Month that day. We were all talking and laughing the only way mom would have wanted it. After the game shows we turned off the tv and the kids wanted to sing to her before they left so we had about an hour and a half of Karaoke with Grandma as they called it. The kids sang Silent Night, Automatic and the House that Built Me both by Miranda Lambert. Both Automatic and The House that Built Me were two of mom's favorites so they were sung at the beginning and the end of the their performance. My sister said, "one last song kids." When the kids were finished Beth, Billie and I changed mom and got her ready for the night. But before we took our hands off of her I looked up and said, "I think she has stopped breathing?"  Beth, Billie and I still all had our hands on her and we waited. Held our breath. Was she gone. She was. I feel that when the kids finished singing and walked out the door... Mom was gone as well. She passed away just that fast. She could not have written down instructions for a better evening. 

The next few hours and days were difficult but I thought we are Basore's and we will get through this. And we have started a new journey down a new path. I had hoped not to take for a while longer but everything changes and as the song says, "you leave home and move on and do the best you can."

That is what we are doing now. The best we can. Thanks to our Mom. 

Still making memories after all these years.

So it is 3 Am or 3'oclock in the morning and it looks like it is going to be another sleepless night... Two great songs that are what it is. 3 o'clock in the morning. Can't sleep. Thinking about what was and what has come of it. I know, Get to the point Jeanne. So I did go to my 30th High School Reunion. Anyone out there planning a reunion and really just want to talk and have a nice time take note. That does not take formal clothes and high priced rubber chicken. A few chicken wings and beers and a bunch of people that grew up in Clearwater looking over Clearwater Beach and remembering when... When we were young, or pretty or popular or not. When the beach was what it was and not what it is and how we were all glad that we grew up in the time that Crystal Palace and the skate shop were game rooms (arcades)  and were places that kids congregated. We remembered the Howard Johnson's restaurant and the Memorial Civic Center and how many of us worked for Eckerd. Part-time, Full time, or Lifers like me. But even that has changed.

Band kids that have not picked up an instrument since band but still treasure every moment of playing and marching and all the friends along the way. I would like to make a quick shout out to my friend Jerry. A friend from elementary school. I just caught a glimpse of his name tag and I was so happy to see him. I wanted to tell him yes, I still have your trumpet and if you want it back swing by the house. We laughed. He had just been telling the people he was with that he never knew what happened to his old trumpet. Well I have been saving it. Not feeling right to get rid of it. It was not mine. But not knowing whatever happened to him to give it back. Now it is clear. I can do with it as I please. I think I will pass it on to an aspiring musician that doesn't know the trumpet might inspire him. I really think that seeing Jerry turned things around for the night for me. Made me realize the memories I have are shared. Not exactly the same memories. I had the trumpet and knew it and he didn't know what happened to it.

Another guy from band Bill, I remembered that I annoyed him. I have been carrying that for 30 years guess what. He wasn't annoyed by me. I am officially letting it go. So in some ways therapeutic that I went.

Friday night I mostly spoke to people I know. Brian and Kim and her husband. Mary and Mike beach kids. There is always that person that remembers me that I thought how could the coolest guy in high school remember me and was glad to see me. Yes. He was. And if you think it was you and you talked to me maybe you were the coolest guy in school. Or maybe that is just me remembering high school the way I remember high school. Still feeling like for the most part the people I spoke to were people I still speak to and not sure I really needed to go Saturday. But I was hoarse when I got home and glad to tell my mom about the beach kids I saw and they all said to tell my brother hello.

But Saturday night was really it for me I thought what the heck Brian and I don't get out much. But like I said Jerry turned things around. I stuck my neck out and said hello to people that I was not sure that they would know who I was but they did. People spoke to me that I was not sure I remembered. My favorite set of twins Peter and David again another pair that go all the way back to elementary school. What surprises me the most is how many of us still live around here and I never see them or run into them at the grocery store.

I spoke to people from the neighborhood I lived in when I was little. Just a mile from where we live now. And we all reminisced about remember where this one lived or that one. And if you remember that one do you remember this one. Whatever happened to them? People that rode the school bus together or were in middle school together. Or toilet papered houses together or whatever we did. It was in good fun. Cleaned up plenty of toilet paper as well.

There were people I miss that were not there. People I asked about that no one seemed to know about. My dear friend Jane. Man I miss her. I have so many fun memories. I told someone about us making perogies or going to Mister Submarine and getting my still all time favorite sandwich a Roast beef with everything that we would split at all ours of the night. She was a Pepsi girl all the way back then. If you are reading this and know her tell her I say hi. And think of all our fun often.

I wish I could name everyone it was great to see. But if I do I will forget someone and I don't want to do that so I am going to say I am so glad I spoke to all of you. My voice was so hoarse on Sunday at work and Monday. But it will recover. And now you all know that we live between Caponga's and Dairy Kurl and if you want pizza or ice cream don't hesitate to stop by we will be glad to go.

Hope it doesn't take another 20 years before we get together again.

Social Media is killing Social Skills

It is always the same in the middle of the night I cannot sleep. Tonight it is hot. I can not believe it is only April and it is this stinking hot out. Which you know when you are agitated there is nothing worse than being hot.  So what has got me hot under the collar tonight. I have broached this subject before but I think I am the only one reading or maybe just the only one that understands the message.

Social Media is killing human beings social skills. I know I have mentioned Emily Post before but if you are under 30 or even 40 or 80 and do not understand proper social etiquette maybe you should not be able to post things on the Internet. I have recently realized the only thing that has a better memory than me is the Internet. The Internet never forgets the stupid things you have said or done. So if you want to forget the stupid things you do in life do not post them on the Internet. Ever. Do not post stupid things your friends are doing. The stupid thing they did last night they may not want to remember or have their mom find out tomorrow. And for those of you that are the mothers and fathers of today's children please do not air your dirty laundry on the Internet for the amusement of others it is not amusing and when your children grow up and google your name do you want them to know how stupid you were or still are.

I have been tossing around the idea on giving up on FB friends and letting go of something I sometimes enjoy and other times despise. Do I let go of everything or just the people that make me this upset? I feel like I must refer back to the beginning when I started to write this blog that I gave myself rules and I shared some of my life rules which have served me well for these last 40 odd years. So rule Number One: Never Go Back. So if I cut the ties with you tonight or tomorrow there is probably no turning back for me. Or there is the clean slate. Delete everyone and start fresh. Just remove the people that make me mad. See I don't have a problem with people having a different opinion than mine if it is valid or if you are going to be an idiot be an idiot towards everyone. So everyone knows you are an idiot. What you do not realize is that this is not the first time we have been at this cross roads. You have been there with others before and they have either deleted you or blocked you. Which are both viable options. I keep giving you another chance and another chance and you just don't seem to get it. My friendship is valuable and at some point I think yours was to but now we are at a point I don't really think we are or ever were really friends. Mostly because you don't think that my feelings matter or those that are close to me.

See how vague I am being it is because my first rule in blogging was not to use any one's name and to never be hurtful directly to another person. If you think this is about you well pick up an Emily Post book and rethink your life. But odds are with me on this one. If this is about you, well you would never imagine that it could be about you because you have never spoken anything but the truth and if the truth hurts well you don't give a crap about that either.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is how self serving some people can be. I have friends that I never would have thought to be friends until I saw some of the things they post. They share their heart. Now I know that everything in the world is not sunshine and roses and I am not saying don't share when it is not but really everyday of your life does not suck and if it does change it. I try like hell to change myself for the better and over the years because I remember I know I am now better than I was 20 years ago. I know I still have faults to work on but I try. And some days I fail. Today is not going to be a failure. So if you think moving on is right for you that is fine move on. Delete me or remove yourself and by a journal. Please. Save me from deleting you. I try really hard to not give up on you to hope there is good in your heart but if there is not. Well at least now we are both clear on that.

See I always post a link to my blog on the old FB but not today. This is a self serving blog and I am going to get the guilty pleasure of not sharing it with you. If you found it great and if not your loss.

Hello Friends

So I am going to say up front. I know exactly what I am writing about today. Of course it came to me in the shower. Since I know I have already peeked the interest of my co-workers. Let's get on with it.
Well I try really hard to follow some rules that I laid out when I started writing this blog. Never to use any one's name in a way that might be hurtful. Some may believe I have broken it but trust me. There are a lot more names that I could of said that I did not. But this is about friends and even though I don't like to name names I have realized recently that with all the pain I have gone through in the last few years one thing that I have found is friends.

My Brighthouse friends are slowly becoming as my Eckerd friends are so dear to me. Unlike Eckerd I am no longer the youngest one in the group. Sometimes I feel like the old lady of the bunch.

The first day May 21, 2012. I did not know what I was in for. I had not worked in a year and well to say the least the last few weeks before starting a new job were stressful. I walked into the lobby that morning of a  nice size office building and thought you can do this Jeanne. My first concern as I waited was that I would be the only female in the training class but as I looked around at the others waiting knowing that they were most likely there for the same thing I was to start a new job at a new company. Not knowing anyone is the worst but our trainer came and got us and I think we were as destine to have Mike as our trainer as we were to all be in this training class together. Now Brighthouse provided us with about 6 weeks of training. So by the time you are on the phone with a customer you feel like you know what you are doing and it is not your first day. So you really get to know the people you are training with.

So because I can I am going to name the people of our training class. I know you are thinking why well because they all have played a part in the me that is here today. I know I still struggle with a lot of stuff but when I think of where I have been I am getting someplace. Now in most instances I imagine training classes come and go. I heard people say after we were on the phones not very long. Oh, I have been here 6 months and am the only one left from my training class. Well this is where I think we are different. Of the 15 people in our training class which was one of the largest classes to date there are still 12 of us working for Brighthouse. Monica left after a week on the phone and until a few months ago all the rest of us were still working for the company. The person that sat next to me Mindy moved out west where her family is from and Faye just recently retired. Now that still leaves Natasha, Tom, Arlene, Tracey, Mary Ann, Savvas, Art, Orlando, Steve, Steven, Twan and myself. So why does this matter. Well I was thinking of how we all started out together and I am sure most move on and go their separate ways after training but for some reason we all keep up with one another. If you have ever worked in a call center you would know that longevity is not what most employees are known for but here this bunch of people have hung in there. Some still on the phones. Some work from home and love the freedom of that and others have found other departments. Not to say we are not all on the phone all the time but doing different things other than talking directly to customers and fixing their troubles over the phone.

I was thinking of my memory and how I remember things is because I think about them. I think of these people fondly and on that first day never would have imagined that not only was I standing there waiting to start a new job with a bunch of strangers but that they would actually become friends.

The office I work in now has three people in it from my training class and two more work downstairs. But here again I have found people that I truly call friends. Now yesterday was not a good day for me. I was having a rough time just getting through. I was routing I did have a hard route but I felt like I could not do it. But here is where the friends come in. The supervisor came back and got me to a place where I could focus and assured me that we could get everything done and the person next to me asked if she could help and the next thing I knew my jobs were getting out. Now I wasn't done there but on my lunch another co-worker came out and listened to me babble on about what a bad day I was having and sent me a picture of a beach with the message that I can do it. I know to some these things would not add up to much but for me it was the world. I know I am not like everyone else and sometimes that is hardest for me to get by. But these people all have decided one for all and all for one. And no matter who needs it we are there for each other every day.

Now almost 3 years in with Brighthouse I am part of a team that I am truly proud of. I have friends and co-workers alike that not only help me out but I would do anything for them. I have never been one to have a lot of friends. Better good ones than a bunch. But today I feel like I have a bunch of good friends that I work with everyday. And am blessed to have them each and every one of them.

So I thank Brighthouse for hiring me and I thank all the people that I have met along the way for truly being Good Friends.

Old demons and New Year

I started this blog a while back but after yesterday I feel like I can finish because as everything is a cycle and I was in that same place again. If you go back before the days at Brighthouse before I was unemployed for a year. Before that I worked and worried a lot. Today I enjoy my job and the people around me but every now and then those old worries come back. I feel a pain or a cramp and it will manifest into panic. I used to look up what the pain was online. Almost all things could kill you just Google it. So no more self diagnosis.

So yesterday I was out of one of my prescriptions I knew it was ready at the store and I took the one at home and then drove to the store to pick up the other. I even bought a bottle of water to take it as soon as I got it. Then I opened the bottle and the pill looked different. Was it wrong? I called Brian at home knowing my old bottle was sitting on the counter in the bathroom. Just to verify it was the same. It was. But I still have the feeling something is not right. But it is, but it isn't. See how can I know something is right and still think something is wrong. Is my blood pressure to high. Was that the right pill?

So I spent the afternoon with my nephew. He played video games and after a while I was feeling better. We watched a movie and all was good. While he was here I got a call from the dr about another prescription I was getting refilled and they asked about my blood pressure. I said it has been good. But now that they are asking now I am wondering again. Is it to high. I can't take it. I would worry myself sick. So now I wonder am I ok or not. My sister picked up her son and now the time when I am totally free to do whatever I want. Before I could even think of doing anything. I was worrying that my blood pressure was too high. My face was getting hot. What is wrong?

 Panic...If you do not know the feeling it is kinda like a prickly feeling all over your body after that first rush of adrenaline. I think the initial rush is like fight or flight. Some sort of defense to something that isn't even there. Because no matter what it is that starts the panic it is a process and takes time to come back down to defcon 5. (If you are not aware that is the Defense Condition measured between 1 and 5 and 5 is normal military readiness and 1 is the maximum state of readiness.) Learn something new everyday. I knew the term but did not know the definition until now.

The main thing I have to do is not think. But once the thoughts are going through my head it is really hard to get back to the normal, calm, quiet mind most people consider normal. But I couldn't get there on my own. I have a couple fool proof cures for this feeling. Guess what they are not pills. They are people.

See being alone is more difficult than being with others. With others or at work I can focus on anything else other than the thing that is trying to debilitate me. So last night I did my sure thing. I called a friend. I don't want to start right off with we need to talk about anything because I am crazy. Of course I have been reassured more than once that I am not but how can your brain know you are ok and at the same time worry that you are not.

To me it is like being on a ledge. Not a ledge I am going to jump from but one I am hanging on to. If I let go I don't know what will happen and that is what I worry about. What could happen? Trust me the list could be long but just like when you google what is wrong with you it always has and then you could die.

Yes that is unrealistic but when my head is in this spot it is hard for me to get out. If I hadn't called in the prescription the dr office wouldn't have called no panic. If I had picked up the pills yesterday and taken them together as normal no panic. Could something else had caused the panic? Sure. There is always the potential for something else but my health is the worst. So I have a little plan worked out that I am going to start doing a few things for myself and exercising more. It is going to be a regular thing and I am going to add writing back into being a regular thing. I know as the new year begins things will be good.

I want to thank the friends that talk to me in this state. There are only a few I trust with this fragile Jeanne. The wrong thing said can make it worse. But the best thing is just to talk about nothing. Sometimes 5 minutes is good sometimes an hour. But when I am back to feeling better it is such a weight lifted. Talking about things from years ago. Things that we have done. Things we want to do. Anything really as long as it is not about me and how I am feeling now. I sometimes wish I understood what it is and how it works as it happens. I am getting better at the process and making the feeling go away. A baby aspirin and a good nights sleep helps as well.

So to a Happy and Mentally Healthy New Year.

Before the hot water runs out

Pretty funny title. So I must give credit. Brian is the one that said it should be the name of this post. This could become its very own blog.

Yesterday and today are my days off and after not doing much of anything yesterday I decided I was going to take a shower and do something. So this is what happens when my brain does not turn off. I am going to describe what goes through my mind before the hot water runs out.

See when I was a kid my mom used to say I did not need to use soap when I bathed because I took such a hot bath that a would scald the dirt right off me. I did and have always used soap but this is something my mother would say. Anyhow here is the what happened in my head.

As I undressed I thought "Why do women's bras have a bow on them". That would be a good name for a book. Who wouldn't pick that up? I can see the dust jacket on the back it would have reviews all from women named Jane Russell. Get it. A book about the bow on a bra and reviewed by women named Jane Russell. You would have to be over the age of 45 to get the reference.

Since Brian did not get this reference  I will only tell you Jane Russell was a movie star and she used to do Playtex 18 hour bra commercials. Get it now? Pretty damn funny.

Back to the shower.
Six degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon and I can go from a bow on a bra to Jane Russell to my best friend in band in high school was Jane Russell. Not the bra lady but my friend's name was also Jane Russell. Jane and I were only friends for a few years she was a year older than me and after she graduated we did not see each other anymore but while we were friends we did so much stuff together. Jane taught me to drive a stick shift in her old VW station wagon on my 16th birthday that gear shift did not have a ball so it would leave a mark on your hand from shifting gears. We would drive around and listen to Bonnie Tyler tapes. Jane owned a horse but we only went to see it together once. Jane worked at Maas Brothers. Her mom was the Music Director at Trinity Presbyterian Church. The first time I went to church with her I sang in the choir and at that church during the service they ask who is new and call them up to the front to welcome them. I remember Jane pushing me to go and the Pastor made a big deal that it was my first time attending their church and I sang with the choir. We also would stand in for people in bell choir for practice and we were in a play at her church. Listen People was the name of it. All of this while I was a junior and she was a senior. Band camp was at a church camp up near Moon Lake that year. We had so much fun. Getting in trouble or causing trouble which ever was easier that day. Wish I knew how she is doing. Never can find her when I check on FB. There are just too many Jane Russell's in the world and I have no idea what she did after she graduated. Man I miss her.

Well we are to the point that I am turning off the cold water because the hot is not hot enough anymore and I really need to finish taking a shower so I can do something. Think I am going to take Princess for a walk.
So I know it kinda jumps around but that is what my brain does. I think it could be why sometimes I feel tired even when I have done nothing. My brain does not stop. Now I have learned over the last few years I can do breathing exercises and slow it down and for a time may even stop jumping from one thing to another.

Just thought I would share.
Have a great day. I have already taken my shower for today and ready to go.

Need to be Thankful

We know by now some of my best ideas come to me in the middle of a dark cold night. It is 4:40AM and I have lit the fireplace because our house heat is not able to keep up with the cold outside. Brian is in bed sleeping and Princess is laying by the fire and all I have to do today is make cranberries and brussel sprouts and show up at my sisters this afternoon. I will watch the Macy's Day parade with the same excitement that an avid football viewer watches the commercials during the Super Bowl. I love to watch before hand the Broadway actors performances and of course the bands. Just a small local plug, Tarpon High School's band made the big trip to NYC this year. Congrats to them. This is one of the days they will always remember.

Last night on my last break before Thanksgiving I was in the break room because it was too cold to go outside and walk a couple laps around the parking garage. So I sat down and on the tv as usual was HGTV. Here is another episode of people looking to purchase a new home and the journey through the process. Yeah right. I do not know anyone who would qualify to be on the show. Tonight's episode brings us to Suburban somewhere in the US and the husband is a computer engineer and the wife is a radiologist. Does that even happen in real life. I thought the husband works retail and the wife works in a call center. Oh that must be a different show.

So this not so normal couple and their 2.5 kids that each need their own bedroom and we need a Master Suite are looking for their new home with a budget of $800,000. This must be a dream because our little household will take about 10 years to earn that amount of money. So off we go now remember I am only on a 15 minute break.

The first house is a colonial over 5,000 square feet. For those of you that are normal and have no idea how large that is, when I worked for Eckerd the average store was 10,000 square feet. So you now can understand how they need that kind of space for their family of almost 6. Back to show. As they walk in they notice the beautiful grand entryway and staircase. In my house this is the called the front door and front step. In the old days the stoop. We are noticing the woodwork and as we head into the formal dining room again the fine workmanship and large room would be perfect for seating a State Dinner. Now it is almost time for me to get up and bam they walk into a kitchen that is bigger than my living room and it is gorgeous. Beautiful cabinets, appliances enough counter space for 10 cooks and an island that could be used for a stage in a Broadway production and the first thing out of the woman's mouth is I do not like these counter tops. We need granite. Now I am done. I watch and I realize tv is unrealistic even this so called reality tv. But here is what got me she said she "NEEDED GRANITE COUNTER TOPS".  Let me say it again so it can sink in she NEEDED GRANITE COUNTER TOPS. Well I look over at the lady that is there on most of my breaks and I said she may NEED rice to eat but she does not NEED granite counter tops. This lady on tv has no idea what she actually needs. Now back to the phones.

So just so you know I am not crazy a customer tonight's modem would not power on. No power, no internet that simple. We have very few but we did have a tech available on Thanksgiving for the emergency but it is not until 4-6 pm. I set the appointment because I knew as this lady yelled at me about how she could not possibly be expected to spend Thanksgiving day without internet I knew that time slot could disappear before reality set in and she realized the only other option was waiting until Friday afternoon. I listened and tried to be sympathetic to her needs but in the end she wanted a supervisor because I could not help her.

I continue to think about the show and this customer the same way I do every time I watch that stuff on tv. How shallow have we as a people become?  I understand that watching a show like this on tv is like going to the movies and seeing some block buster movie that cost millions of dollars to make so that the actor can have a new trailer and fresh water from particular ravine in some tropical rain forest to drink and only bananas from the rarest of trees to snack on but come on people. Do we have no sense of reality anymore.

Just 60 years ago you would have on Thanksgiving gotten up in your humble abode and maybe lit a fire in the fireplace and gathered all the family together in one house and made a dinner fit for a king. Your mom in her pearls and apron would have slaved over a hot stove and not gotten a single spot on her dress and at the end of the night prepared herself a drink and kicked off her high heels. But not every house had Barbara Billingsley cooking dinner. Again, please look it up. I loved Leave It to Beaver and if you don't know who June and Ward Cleaver are and Eddie Haskell and my favorite character Judy. The little busy body girl in the Beave's class that was in every one's business. Oh yeah. My high school PE teacher referred to me as Judy. And in the show the teacher or parent would always correct her and say Judy, Judy, Judy. I might have been her a little bit. Ok. A lot. It was the 80's and it was high school. I digress. Anyway it is worth the 30 minutes and you may even get a cavity from watching because everything is so sweet.

Now of course June Cleaver was not reality either but June did not need Granite Counter tops or a Master Suite with an on Suite for those of you that don't speak 5,000 square foot home that is a bathroom off the master bedroom for just the master of the house and his wife with of course dual sinks and glass shower and Jacuzzi tub. Here I go again. We never got to the bathroom I am not sure how unrealistic her needs were there.

But I do have a point to this. We do not need Granite counter tops or Jacuzzi tubs. We do not need dual sinks in our master bathroom. We need to put food in our belly each day so that we have the energy to get up and do our job to the best of our ability. We need a roof over our heads that keeps out the cold wind and the rain.  Most of us need some mode of transportation to get to and from work and the grocery store. And we need a job to earn the money to purchases these things "We need".

We also need to be Thankful that we live in a country that we are free to eat with whomever we choose and we do not have worry that the native people of this land will kill us on the way to grandma's because they do not understand why we are here on their land and taking their food and women without asking.We can gather together outside knowing the police will not come and make us break up our gathering. We can go to church where ever we wish and pray to whomever we choose. It is not state run. We do not have to hide our religious choices.  We can even light our menorah and have our Thanksgiving dinner at the same time. Why because we live in the United States. A place where for over the last 390 years we have been able to gather together and celebrate the harvest and our bounty the good weather of the summer has brought us. And that as two different peoples they were able to help each other survive another year and prepare for a long cold dark winter with enough food and seeds in the root cellar and smoked meat to survive again until the spring thaw and they can plan next years crop. I know everyone does not believe my version of the first Thanksgiving but I know the English would not have survived without the help of the Indians in this new land so there had to be some give and take in the relationship.

As you sit down this afternoon with whomever you are close to and eat your meal of plenty with leftovers to last until Sunday. Please remember to be Thankful for the the things that you have that are way, way, way beyond your needs.  And tonight and tomorrow when you go shopping be kind to the retail employees who are working so they can provide for the needs and wants of their families as you purchase your Christmas gifts for the ones you love and yourself. Do not fight over the last big screen tv. It is not the last loaf of bread and your family will not go hungry without it. Be kind to each other on the road and in the parking lot. The parking space closest to the door of the mall with the handicapped sign is not for you unless you are truly handicapped. You can walk off that dinner as you cross the parking lot.

I am thankful today for all that I have which is more than I need. And my family that is here and far away and those that have passed on. I am thankful for my friends who like the Pilgrims and the Indians all celebrate our bountiful harvest and prepare for long cold winter in Florida. Well you know. I am thankful I live in Florida too.

Happy Thanksgiving

Socially Speaking

So I have written about social networking before. I just re-read my post on Friends and it still makes me smile. Yes. I had a particular friend in mind when I wrote that post but today I am thinking of some other people.

Facebook to me is ironic at it's best. Sometimes an oxymoron, I like that one best because sometimes things people post are exactly what they are and other people well, not so much.

You may recall from my Friends post for the most part my friends on Facebook are really my friends. I know this is crazy but they are. Some even family. Anyway. Remember the social media thing was really a start to keep up with our nieces who really don't post stuff too often and but when they do it is nice to see they are having a good time and look damn cute doing it.

The thing that has been rattling around in my head lately is the things people will post online. Now if you review back to the very beginning I have rules that I live by.

1. Never write anything down you do not want everyone to read.

So even though I started writing this blog purely to get things out of my head at some point I knew people I know are going to read it. For that reason I do not usually use peoples names when I am speaking of them. This is not to point fingers if it sounds like you maybe it is or maybe it is not. Just gives you something to think about. Sometimes there are clues for the one written about. I have used the first letter of every paragraph of a blog to spell out the person's name. I will wait while you look back and see if it is you. It was not the Friends blog.

Since I mentioned that I had a post this week on Facebook where I used adjectives that described a person and the first letter of each word was a letter in their name. I asked Brian and he knew who it was for but did not notice that the first letter of the words spelled the person's name. Maybe if I would have written the words one on top of each other instead of side by side it would have been more obvious. Maybe I just like people to wonder. What the heck is she talking about today?

So now my fair friends it makes me wonder. What is going through people's heads when they post things. Is it just something they saw and it caused them to hit Share or Like. Why sometimes when people post bad news do people Like the comment. Is that a I am with you Like or a I feel for you Like?

Why do some people post things that are crude? I know that I do not have to look at who posted the item it is always the same person. Some people always post something positive. Some people follow the crowd. If one person did it they will to. Some wear their hearts on Facebook and others show their mind is in the gutter.

This all makes me think. When a person that lies post something like the Truth will set you Free. Do they not know they are a liar? I have seen people call out friends on Facebook and disown them. Delete them in front of everyone. Some things are so personal done on such a public venue it is like having your life on TV. This is not Jerry Springer. And as far as I know none of my friends would qualify for the show. Well maybe one. But I digress.

I think some things people post are taken out of context. The casual reader that checks out what is going on once in a while. The things they read may not make sense. They may only make sense to the person writing it and maybe one other person reading it. And if it is weeks later you may not have known what happened then or why whatever it is was posted. It may have been funny or a memory might have triggered something more serious at the time but it seems strange now. Sometimes the audience the Post is for is just one person. I don't know. These strange things I read that do not make sense to me I shrug my shoulders and move on. I try not to comment that the crude person is always crude and the liar well lies. But others it bothers. Some can not scroll idly by and ignore the thing that bothers them. They must speak out. I used to be that way in real life. If you lied or spoke an untruth or were just wrong no matter where I was  and who we were with I would tell you right there and then you were wrong. I still take pride in being right always but I also have learned when to stay quiet.

Now here is where the problem comes in. Because one person posted something another person posts something about that but not necessarily as a comment. Someone else reads the post which even for the daily follower is out of context and now we got 3 different people thinking 3 different things. One is mad, one upset and the other is just moving on.

It is getting late and I guess I need to steer this bus towards the school so I can get to bed. When you post something online consider that not only your boss may read it but so might your kids one day. If you love the person you are posting about. Just share the love. Leave the garbage for in person where it is just between the two of you and no one else is involved or gets their feelings hurt. If you post what is true in your heart you may want to make sure you walk the talk as well.

As a side note no person was intentionally hurt in the writing of this blog. If it bothers you and you think you may be the crude person or the liar don't worry about it. I am not. We are still friends aren't we.

Friends

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies,

Today how would you round your real friends up to help you move a body or bodies? In the days of my youth I would pick up the phone at the house. Pull the phone cord into the bedroom and talk to one of my school friends on the phone until 3 in the morning. If I needed to let two friends know something that would mean 2 phone calls. Hmm.

As I got older and had less contact with the friends of my youth I would send a Christmas card  or for a few write a letter. The same way my mother and hers before her. I have my friends addresses and phone numbers written in an address book that I have had since I was 18. Everything has been status quo, and I am good with that.

Then email came along. I was never one for forwarding the joke that everyone in the world had already heard and refuse to pass on a chain letter. That was old in middle school. But I have a small group of friends that I have kept in touch with through email. We plan lunch and get togethers. Comfort each other in times of loss and celebrate each others joys. Email has been an easy way to get a message out without making multiple phone calls and everyone can read it on their own schedule and reply back. Plans can be made. Remember we have a body to move.

I have noticed lately that I talk on the phone less with even the friends that I regularly used to talk on the phone to. Texting and Facebook have come into play. Texting is fine you still have the one on one communications. I have a friend that we text each other once a week back and forth a few times. Talk about work and whatever else is going on. Again not limited to a single conversation. We can text back and forth all afternoon while working on break or at home. And still make plans and communicate about this body we need to move. I like the one on one conversation.

So we are down to Facebook. This would obviously not be the best method to contact a real friend to help you move a body.

1. It is posted online for all your friends to read. Maybe even one of the bodies you need help with moving.
2. People that read it could share it and then well your gonna have a real mess on your hands.
3. What if your real friend is not a Facebook friend or worse yet they are but they are busy playing Candy Crush Saga and did not see your message. Sorry, I mean Status.

See this is where I have not quite got it. I started using Facebook just last summer. After spending a few weeks with my teenage and 20 something nieces. They lived away from us and this gives me a way to see what they are up to. They do not send email they are better with texting. It is like pulling teeth to get someone this young or younger to talk on the phone. The youth of today have so many more distractions than during my youth. Yet they multitask like fools. They can watch tv and text and Facebook and never notice you are in the same room. Well sometimes they notice. Just kidding girls. But the youth today can do all those things at once. At dinner instead of saying we need to turn off the tv, Now it is don't bring your phone to the table. A little face time. No, not Facetime but actual face time. You know person to person.

I know this is crazy talk for some of you but now we still have a body to move and it is 3:22 in the morning. So do I unfriend the person on Facebook that I want to get rid of. Do I leave them as friends even though I don't care for what they have to say? No. That is not the answer because if you are my friend on Facebook you are my friend. Well for the most part. There are a few people who sent me friend requests that I have accepted that I have no interest in what is going on in their lives and never did. Not when we worked together or when they obviously thought we were friends. I know I am carrying on but again friends are complicated now. It used to be cut and dry. You don't send me a Christmas card for a few years and I think well they dropped off the face of the earth or they have no interest in hearing from me. No more card.

So another thing about Facebook friends. I do not have a lot. I did not know that until I was looking at someone's profile the other day and saw they had 500 friends. And what the heck are followers? Stalkers? People you are not friends with that want to know what you are doing anyway? So I looked to see how many friends I had only about 50, Hmm. Well let me check out a few more people oh well. I guess I am not doing something right in the Facebook world or am I. I do prefer to limit my friends to friends. To share things with my new Brighthouse friends and my old Eckerd friends. A few friends from my youth and my 2 of the 3 nieces. Well one decided that Facebook is not for her right now. I am good with that to. But I see that people cut off their friends not quietly in the night under the cover of darkness do they unfriend them but publicly call out the people that do not agree with them and tell them to unfriend them.

Friendship is not always about agreeing with everything your friend says. Sometimes you have to disagree. I prefer again the phone call ot face to face but sometimes when asked or not I will answer and let someone know they are wrong. It is not that I am not your friend. I am always your friend. I have always been your friend. We have been there for the fun and for the sorrow. For the birth of kids and weddings. If your life is moving on and you are leaving me and your other friends behind that is ok for now. Because when you come back and ask for that help with the body and 3 AM I am going to be here to help you however I can. If it means telling you something you don't want to hear. If you are a real friend. You will listen and argue and we will come to a conclusion or agree to disagree but we will still be friends. Thick or thin. Facebook or not.

I thought about naming names but then I thought you know who you are. We have always been friends. And always will be in my book. Maybe not on Facebook.