So it has been awhile old friend since I have written. Ironically we got a new computer and I thought I would write more but life gets in the way. Lots of things going on but none I want to talk about directly.
Sometimes when I write I use metaphors to explain my feelings about a subject without speaking directly of the subject. Part of that is the non-confrontational person that doesn't want to argue and I believe what I believe and you believe what you believe. You want to share your opinion write your own blog or post but don't hijack something I wrote to spout off your opinion or feelings. I know this may seem harsh but it is the private me staying private. I had to delete something I wrote because I did not want to share things that others did. I had to remove part of me for the sake of myself.
That really upset me. Really. See I know people that scroll past hum drum life and people thrive on showing others what they ate for every meal and how it came out (literally). Me I only want to give up a little and leave the rest to be a mystery. It is easier for me that way.
Easier because the computer does not show emotions. I have never used those little emoticons. Guess I can't reduce my feelings to a single symbol. That is the problem. I cannot reduce my feelings to words which I feel others can understand even though they may very well. And again I don't want you to share what I am not sharing.
This whole thing ties into work and a class I took a few weeks ago. I am still trying to figure out if the supervisor wanted me to learn about myself or to learn that I am different or to learn that other people don't get me and I don't always get them. I did realize why some people rub me wrong and I am sure why I rub others wrong.
The class I took was a Myers-Briggs assessment. Myers and Briggs are a mother daughter team that developed a questionnaire to determine peoples personality preferences. Preference is their word not mine. I, who have no training believe that people do not choose their personality. But I guess years of studying had made scientific types decide that you choose. I think people do choose what they show but I do not think you choose what you are. That is like saying I choose to be left-handed or I choose to have brown hair. Brown hair is what I came with and if I choose I can change it to blond not really. I would choose auburn, only a little just a subtle change. There is too much of me I am not willing to let go of.
I will unlike the class tell you right away that I was with some confidence a ISFP. Which is to say that I am an Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving type person. Throughout the class we learned about the different personality dichotomies or opposites and how people of each type think and feel differently. Dichotomy is a 50 cent word. Today a young person might call it a buzz word or to say a good word to use when you are trying to show off some level of vocabulary weather you have it or not.
I have always found psychology interesting. I like understanding how the brain works but I sometimes find my brain at odds with what scientists believe. Like I found it interesting that most of the people in the class were interested to find out the results of their questionnaire. I found myselfndifferent to what the results showed. But as we went through the class we were given examples of different sides to each type and were asked to choose which we thought we were. So since I did not make you wait for what their results were I will not make you wait to know that I choose the exact same ISFP. So am I that confident about the person I am. I question a lot but I do not question who I am.
Everyone knows what an extrovert or introvert are. Extroverts outgoing, introverts reserve. So to say at most times I am a reserve person would be an understatement. Introvert I am.
Next pair not so easy for me to choose and with less confidence did the questionnaire find my responses to be Sensing. The other option is Intuition. Which is why I had a hard time deciding which way to go with this one. I use intuition a lot but I guess I do have a preference to things that I know are fact that I can touch, see or smell, things I know to be real.
Third pair Thinking or Feeling. Now I do think a lot but it is with my values and compassion that I think. So yes I am most definitely a feeling type.
Lastly, Judging or Perceiving again no so confident because spontaneous is not a word most would use to describe me but I am flexible and adaptable. I am far from organized or methodical unless it comes to something that has to go in that order. Otherwise I have been known to find my own way in both life and work. So perceiving it is.
So all of that said, still not sure where that leaves this girl at 3AM on Christmas Eve writing a blog. No it is not that everything is ready for Christmas. No we do not have a tree or decorations up. We have been very busy this year and other things have come first. Don't get me wrong. I love a real tree. I love the lights. I love the smell of the pine tree or fir tree. But again other things have gotten in the way.
Still trying to find the words I want to say. I have probably lost most by now but remember I don't write this for you it is for me. And I am not sleeping so I am still writing. Why am I so private? Why will I share some things with a stranger that I would not share with my friends. I don't know. It is hard for me. I know some things are hard for some people all the time and some things are hard for others none of the time. Some people just go with the flow.
So for the last week I was away and resigned myself to the fact that there is nothing I can do in Alaska to change anything in Florida so I just have to live the Alaska life while I am there. Partially in ignorant bliss. Partially too busy to worry.
The funny thing is it was not until I got back to Florida and was on my way to work today and started to cry out of the blue that I realized. "Back to life, back to reality" as sung by Soul II Soul in 1989 version of "Back to Life". Not a favorite just an appropriate song for the moment.
I don't know if the song is a request to a loved one to help them change or a prayer to God for the same. I will choose a prayer because I don't believe one is truly going to change for another person.
Yet asking God, "However do you want me, However do you need me", seems like a reasonable request. We have returned, "Back from the fantasy". So it is the "back to the here and now, yeah" that I worry about the part I truly cannot control. The part where I am the passenger not the driver, the part where I am a cog in the wheel of life. Trying like hell to roll along. I guess if I am going to follow the song "look it is me writing on the wall". Literally so I guess I have to end this with "However do you want me, However do you need me." God, Please let me know what I need to do. Please let me know how to patient when even mine have run out. Please let me know...(Those three dots are all the unspoken prayers I ask for tonight.) They are for everyone's unspoken prayers.
Tonight I guess there is no moral of the story. I first wrote, "There is no light at the end of the tunnel" but I think there is I just cannot see it yet. I am not sure I will find sleep. I have however typed a lot of words. I have found tears finally. Finally that silly song or prayer that will no longer be silly to me has found what I need. "back to the day we have" That is all we are guaranteed. "Don't let me waste away. Help me find what I need to do what I need to do. That is what I ask for tonight.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
