Words I can not find

So it has been awhile old friend since I have written. Ironically we got a new computer and I thought I would write more but life gets in the way. Lots of things going on but none I want to talk about directly.

Sometimes when I write I use metaphors to explain my feelings about a subject without speaking directly of the subject. Part of that is the non-confrontational person that doesn't want to argue and I believe what I believe and you believe what you believe. You want to share your opinion write your own blog or post but don't hijack something I wrote to spout off your opinion or feelings. I know this may seem harsh but it is the private me staying private. I had to delete something I wrote because I did not want to share things that others did. I had to remove part of me for the sake of myself.

That really upset me. Really. See I know people that scroll past hum drum life and people thrive on showing others what they ate for every meal and how it came out (literally). Me I only want to give up a little and leave the rest to be a mystery. It is easier for me that way.

Easier because the computer does not show emotions. I have never used those little emoticons. Guess I can't reduce my feelings to a single symbol. That is the problem. I cannot reduce my feelings to words which I feel others can understand even though they may very well. And again I don't want you to share what I am not sharing.

This whole thing ties into work and a class I took a few weeks ago. I am still trying to figure out if the supervisor wanted me to learn about myself or to learn that I am different or to learn that other people don't get me and I don't always get them. I did realize why some people rub me wrong and I am sure why I rub others wrong.

The class I took was a Myers-Briggs assessment. Myers and Briggs are a mother daughter team that developed a questionnaire to determine peoples personality preferences. Preference is their word not mine. I, who have no training believe that people do not choose their personality. But I guess years of studying had made scientific types decide that you choose. I think people do choose what they show but I do not think you choose what you are. That is like saying I choose to be left-handed or I choose to have brown hair. Brown hair is what I came with and if I choose I can change it to blond not really. I would choose auburn, only a little just a subtle change. There is too much of me I am not willing to let go of.

I will unlike the class tell you right away that I was with some confidence a ISFP. Which is to say that I am an Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving type person. Throughout the class we learned about the different personality dichotomies or opposites and how people of each type think and feel differently. Dichotomy is a 50 cent word. Today a young person might call it a buzz word or to say a good word to use when you are trying to show off some level of vocabulary weather you have it or not.

I have always found psychology interesting. I like understanding how the brain works but I sometimes find my brain at odds with what scientists believe.  Like I found it interesting that most of the people in the class were interested to find out the results of their questionnaire. I found myselfndifferent to what the results showed. But as we went through the class we were given examples of different sides to each type and were asked to choose which we thought we were. So since I did not make you wait for what their results were I will not make you wait to know that I choose the exact same ISFP. So am I that confident about the person I am. I question a lot but I do not question who I am.

Everyone knows what an extrovert or introvert are. Extroverts outgoing, introverts reserve. So to say at most times I am a reserve person would be an understatement. Introvert I am.

Next pair not so easy for me to choose and with less confidence did the questionnaire find my responses to be Sensing.  The other option is Intuition. Which is why I had a hard time deciding which way to go with this one. I use intuition a lot but I guess I do have a preference to things that I know are fact that I can touch, see or smell, things I know to be real.

Third pair Thinking or Feeling. Now I do think a lot but it is with my values and compassion that I think. So yes I am most definitely a feeling type.

Lastly, Judging or Perceiving again no so confident because spontaneous is not a word most would use to describe me but I am flexible and adaptable. I am far from organized or methodical unless it comes to something that has to go in that order. Otherwise I have been known to find my own way in both life and work. So perceiving it is.

So all of that said, still not sure where that leaves this girl at 3AM on Christmas Eve writing a blog. No it is not that everything is ready for Christmas. No we do not have a tree or decorations up. We have been very busy this year and other things have come first. Don't get me wrong. I love a real tree. I love the lights. I love the smell of the pine tree or fir tree. But again other things have gotten in the way.

Still trying to find the words I want to say. I have probably lost most by now but remember I don't write this for you it is for me. And I am not sleeping so I am still writing. Why am I so private? Why will I share some things with a stranger that I would not share with my friends. I don't know. It is hard for me. I know some things are hard for some people all the time and some things are hard for others none of the time. Some people just go with the flow.

So for the last week I was away and resigned myself to the fact that there is nothing I can do in Alaska to change anything in Florida so I just have to live the Alaska life while I am there. Partially in ignorant bliss. Partially too busy to worry.

The funny thing is it was not until I got back to Florida and was on my way to work today and started to cry out of the blue that I realized. "Back to life, back to reality" as sung by Soul II Soul in 1989 version of "Back to Life". Not a favorite just an appropriate song for the moment.

I don't know if the song is a request to a loved one to help them change or a prayer to God for the same. I will choose a prayer because I don't believe one is truly going to change for another person.
Yet asking God, "However do you want me, However do you need me", seems like a reasonable request. We have returned, "Back from the fantasy". So it is the "back to the here and now, yeah" that I worry about the part I truly cannot control. The part where I am the passenger not the driver, the part where I am a cog in the wheel of life. Trying like hell to roll along.  I guess if I am going to follow the song "look it is me writing on the wall". Literally so I guess I have to end this with "However do you want me, However do you need me." God, Please let me know what I need to do. Please let me know how to patient when even mine have run out. Please let me know...(Those three dots are all the unspoken prayers I ask for tonight.) They are for everyone's unspoken prayers.

Tonight I guess there is no moral of the story. I first wrote, "There is no light at the end of the tunnel" but I think there is I just cannot see it yet. I am not sure I will find sleep. I have however typed a lot of words. I have found tears finally. Finally that silly song or prayer that will no longer be silly to me has found what I need. "back to the day we have" That is all we are guaranteed. "Don't let me waste away. Help me find what I need to do what I need to do. That is what I ask for tonight.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

City Hall for a Day

So as with everything in life it is ever changing. Tonight's post is difficult to write. Not because I do not have something to say but because I have to be very careful. I always read past posts before I start one. Sometimes it sets a mood or the mood is already there and I just want to put myself in the right place.

Well tonight I went to my other blog that I write, Day One. I read my first and last post. First was my poem For the Love of Lilly, posted three years ago this month. The second was called Soup of the Day. Which is funny to me because it was not about soup or grilled cheese and looking back no one that reads it now would know the exact subject I wrote about mainly because the world moves on so fast now. What made half the country furious a few months ago is old news now. So just like the rest of the world my life has gone on. 

Tonight's entry ties to both. I can not say exactly how because I do not want to commit to a subject because what makes us furious today will be gone tomorrow. And I do not need a written reminder of what it was that was making my world upside down. 

I have not written since right after my High School Reunion and there is only one reason. I have been busy. I have applied for a Lead position at work. Not sure how that will go but I do think I can do the job. Other stuff going on that is making me busy but again not really ready to say the words out loud. It is funny when I started writing I explained this is a totally selfish endeavour. It still is but with more readers comes more responsibility to others. Not that I care if one person or 12 people read my silly blog it is still to get what is in my head out and help me get a good nights sleep without offending or hurting anyone else.

Sleep that is when you close your eyes and put your head on the pillow? Right? Eight hours later you wake refreshed? I think I remember but not really sure. 

So today I saw my nephew get an award from the City for his Leadership qualities he has shown at camp this summer. Each camp got to choose kids from each age group that showed different qualities to the other campers: teamwork, leadership, kindness, compassion, integrity to name a few. Each camp sent their kids to City Hall and they got to meet the mayor. The mayor had them sit in the seats of the commissioners and city attorney and city manager and of course one kid got to be the mayor for a few minutes. Well at least sit in the chair and use the gavel to call the meeting to order and to call on their fellow campers to read off their quality and how it applied to them. I found one thing very interesting. Kindness always went to the youngest, most adorable kid in camp. Well I am not sure about the entire camp but of the kids selected to come they were the sweetest thing going. The little boy that could not say his name out loud that the Center manager came behind and said his name and his quality and why. No one needed to know why the kid was precious. That and the fact that the teamwork camper seemed to be the one to be mayor and the leadership kid was a little more outspoken than the others. 

For each group of campers the mayor would pick a quality and speak about it based on what the child had said. He elaborated on teamwork and leadership and how sometimes to be in charge he does not do what some people think is right but he does what he feels is best for the whole city based on the information he is provided by his team of employees and council members. 

So when you get the team together and they don't agree they start to argue. And even as mayor he may not think the answer is the right answer but if you only have so many choices he would have to pick the choice that is best for today with the information he has been given. So just like in life all the choices are not simple I mean there are pluses and minuses to both the red and the blue pill (for you Matrix fans).Take the red pill and go back to life as it was or see what is behind door number 2 (Oh no that is a different show all together). Ok so you take the blue pill and who knows what will happen. Well really either way there is no way to know for sure what is going to happen. Life is not a movie or a game show. There is no door number 2. There is no do over. Just keep moving forward with the information in front of you and try to choose wisely. I have played the mayor in life. Many times. Some think the best way to solve a problem is with a hammer or a big stick. Others think a voice of reason should be heard by all. Some are not going to stick around to see what is going to be done. But to make sure that they are heard they will go to the meeting speak their piece and bail. Have I lost you or are you catching on. See that is the question for me as well. 

The options I speak of are not for me. I am the farmer with the field that needs to be plowed and that is the only way to feed my family. And if it is only going to stop raining in the middle of the night I just have to turn the truck lights on and plow my field in the dark. So here I sit just after midnight trying to decide if I plow on left to right or right to left. I have seen both have similar results but some swear by one method and not the other. Thought we were talking about City Hall now I am talking about Farming. Well I watched a farming movie tonight. You know what a key ingredient to farming and City Hall? A lot of BS. Look I am so tired I am making jokes. 

We are not talking about Red Pills or Blue Pills or Farming. We are not talking about City Hall. Since I can not say what we are talking about I will say that a lot of bright people can come together in the same room and discuss the same subject and when they all leave no decision had been made. I think this is why the President is but one man or may I say one day one woman. He or she has a council of very smart people that they can consult with but in the end the decision to sign the bill or veto is his or hers. Well unless some big pharmaceutical company has a hand in the pot or a farming conglomerate that wants to wipe out all the family farms and it is an election year. Well no one has offered me fame or fortune and I am not up for re-election but I am going to continue with the decision I have made after consulting my council. The choice is not easy I think that is what the rest of the counsil may not understand. The choices are not easy. They never are.But in the best interest of well, well I can not say but I will do as I always... What I feel is best.

Choices

I went yesterday to see the movie August-Osage County. I think I was looking for dark and funny and found it to be more dark and sad and less funny. I was there in the afternoon on a weekday so the audience was older and some were not happy. They did not like the language and did not like the subject matter. I could have done without some of the language but to be this dark somebody is going to say the F word. I get the story everyone in the movie except for the hired help comes to the house with their own personal secret and tragedy going on in their lives but now Dad is gone and Mom has cancer and is addicted to pain meds. And we haven't even started to scratch the surface of this families secrets. But I get that. I get that everyone has something they bring to the table. In the movie they literally bring it to the dining room table during the funeral dinner for their father. The scene that got me was the three sisters trying to decide what is going to happen with their mom. Do we send her to rehab, a home or will someone draw the short straw and have to stay and take care of her. While at the table 2 of the 3 say they are leaving and the one who has stuck around through this much says she can't and won't do it any longer. Which leaves the oldest. Daddy's little girl is stuck holding the bag with mom. As the movie draws to a close each sister leaves the house in tears because their own drama takes them away the last one is told that she is just like her mother. Standing there midday in her pajamas and what is next. She gets mad and takes off in the family truck the movie ends she has stopped along an open Oklahoma road and gets out of the truck she looks back towards home and forward away from that mess. She gets back in the truck and I was not sure which way she would go, but in the end she has to make the choice for herself. No one is going to make it for her this time.

So I know I gave away a lot but there is a lot more cussing in the movie. A lot of sadness in this family. More drama than any family I know. But you know all fiction has a hint of the truth hidden inside it. Everyone in all families face decisions they don't want to make and sometimes you make the choice and sometimes you wait long enough and the choice is made for you. Not sure which is less painful. Do you want to believe you choose to leave your mom alone or do you want to believe you have no other choice.? That is what I left with. And no matter who or what it is, I am like a Marine. No man left behind. So no matter what I have to do I am going to drag my mom or anyone else to a point where they can take care of themselves or someone else steps up to help.

But as you can see it is about choices today and I made one the other night at work. It was not a big choice when I made it. It was really a simple choice when I made it but in the end I was the one who made the choice and someone else had to work later than he should have because of it. I have played out the way things went down and how they could have been different in my head so many times but I still see the end result being the same but I would not have been the one making the call it would have been someone else. I am mentioning this to get it out of my head. This is the sort of thing that sticks with me until something else does. So as I finish my weekend off I will go back to work tomorrow with a clear conscience and will make good choices even though I know they will not always be right they will be all mine.