85 Days

So... I am at a cross roads an impasse a fork in the road. Where do I go what do I say? None of these questions are easily answered today.



Today I want to tell you about 85 days that ended with 2 hours of perfection.

Jeanne K. Basore

For the last 85 days my mother has needed constant care. Not by a staff of nurses or a hospital or even a nursing home. She asked to be taken home and for her children to care for her. Her children are not care givers or nurses or in the medical field. We are dispatchers and office workers and retail employees and dental assistants and city employees. We luckily have friends that are in nursing school and respiratory therapist and lpn's and cna's. On November 15 my mom had a stroke and was taken to the hospital where I met her. She could not speak well but I was able to figure out what she was saying. Mom could only say a few words right after the stroke she seemed to say two best. "NO and "Bullshit" they became two of her favorite words over the next few days and weeks. She was admitted into ICU but before hand they wanted to put in a catheter. Well that was never going to happen. I am pretty sure she said, Hell No. So ICU it was but only for a day. She was too much for that so she was moved to the Neurological floor being she had a stroke. She had been given two swallow tests and failed both what does that mean well that they don't feel it is safe for you to eat. Then on November 17 at 7AM we were told  by a hospital doctor that my mother was unlikely to make it through the day.  The doctor said that we could try to feed her anything she wanted basically because they had no hope. So she ate. Small slow bites and not very much. She sipped at coke and by that afternoon my mother got up out of her bed and walked into the hallway with the physical therapist because she saw a friend standing there she had not seen in years. The nurses jaw hit the floor. My mom then said as only she would, I walked this far can I have a cigarette now?

Over the next few days we saw great strides and great setbacks but by Thursday they said we needed a plan. What are we planning was our question is she going to get better or is she going home to die? We were not sure of either. The doctors at this point said by what she is able to eat she will not make it until Thanksgiving. Well that is just next Thursday. We knew she was going to need round the clock care and a hospital bed so we started with those things.

And so our nursing experience started. My mother was nothing if she was not stubborn so as soon as she saw the ramp my sister's husband built for her she was mad. She would have gotten up and kicked it over into the pool and walked up the steps with assistance if she could have. But at some point we knew we needed to do whatever we could to help. Hospital bed would have ended up in the pool on top of the ramp as well if mom could have lifted it. Now with 5 of us you would think that would not be bad to try to have coverage but we all have jobs and even though all our jobs were flexible and our bosses kind. It is the week of a holiday and we can take some time and spend it with mom. The overnights were by far the hardest but every hour of the day had it's challenges.

The first few weeks she had more visitors, neighbors, old friends, previous co-workers, the mailman, employees from Publix and CVS came by to visit. The biggest surprise was our dad. They had not spoken in years but he came and sat with her and visited. They watched the old home movies and made their peace which is what was important for both of them.

 After we got through Thanksgiving and into December my mother announced one day that it was no longer a death watch. She was eating frozen orange juice and pineapple juice and Slurpee's. My brother came up with some of the best idea's. I was amazed and she would try things when he put them in front of her. She liked cold gazpacho soup I made when it was pureed. As the weeks turned into months we had to have more help. We were wearing ourselves too thin. So we brought in reinforcements.

My sister had a friend that had already been helping mom on her days off and she started to spend more time and we had another friend that had done private duty before that was free in the morning. We still were running short in the afternoon but we finally found a new friend that I knew as soon as I spoke to her that mother was going to love her. And my sister's friend the respiratory therapist that was coming to check on her and giving us whatever tips he had. The funny thing was that all these people loved and cared for mom in their own way as though she was their own mother.

People have asked didn't you have Hospice help. No. Mom didn't want strangers taking care of her. She didn't want strangers in the house. I have told people from the beginning that this was the hardest thing I have ever done and I felt like we should have a t-shirt or a medal declaring that we have done it. A friend of mine told me yesterday when I said that to her,"you will receive that medal when you see your mom again." I felt much better.

Mom loved all of these people. The respiratory therapist spoke to mom about football and music. She told him of players like Fran Tarkenton and George Blanda and singers like Frank Sinatra and Kris Kristofferson. So the next time he was over he brought a cd he had made for her of some of her favorites. He would come after working in Ocala to sit with mom overnight. Which was when her breathing was the worst.  He would come and watch football with her. One of the girls loved old movies and would watch them with mom as soon as she said John Wayne mom was sold. Another just sat and chatted with her and helped with bathing. Everything they did was to make her life better and to give her the dignity she deserved and the 5 of us the peace that we could leave and she was in good hands. They each taught us how to move her or transfer her and how to adjust her to make her as comfortable as we could.

They each had the patients of saints to do what mom asked and took care of her as though it was their own mom. Thank you Donnell, Carrie, Jarma, Kayla, Jerrica for helping and just being there.

Mom had physical therapy, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. She would request the same people and was not happy if it was not Brian, Pam and Paul. One even told her she was his favorite and he wasn't suppose to say he had a favorite. When she was not well enough to do exercises they would sit and visit with her. Check her vitals and again any tips they had they would share.

Christmas at Mom's 2007

So Christmas came and we did as always, we all showed up at moms and visited and exchanged gifts. I had made some food not as much as mom would have but none the less there was more than enough. New Years Eve I spent overnight with mom. We watched the ball drop and watched old movies. We have all sat through the hours of home movies with her that one of my sisters got copied to dvd this year with her. The kids even came up with an idea for a game. How many things can you write down that you see in the movies that you can still find in her house. We will have to play someday.


So frozen orange juice became ice chips and soup became pureed fruit cups. The acid would upset her stomach from all the juice. Never did she say she was hungry. Never in pain. Uncomfortable and even miserable at times but she was tough as nails. She would asked for a sip of coke by holding up her thumb and forefinger like you would show a pinch. As time past it was harder and harder to understand the words she said so we turned to a clipboard and reams of paper and mom's own version of sign language which we all learned. A thumb up meant lift me up higher in the bed. Just like that she created and we learned a new language. We are still torn on what will happen to all that paper but when we had a hard time understanding her we would say,"write it down mom." Trying to make communicating less frustrating for everyone.

Our 85 days is nearly up but you don't know until you know that sort of thing remember the doctors only gave her hours then weeks then they finally stopped predicting the future.

On Thursday January 28th mom said she was tired of fighting and on Friday January 29th we were all over at the house. She was not responsive to anything Tori had been there over night and Al that day, I spent the afternoon and Billie and Beth came in the evening along with their kids. We were all there. Timmy and Alex had been by. When her youngest granddaughter Ashley walked in and said "why is wheel of fortune not on. Grandma wants to watch her shows." So we watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and the kids told grandma what they did at school that day and played along with the game shows. Emily had a great story of almost getting sick while singing because her group became a duet which almost became a solo as others dropped out or forgot the words. It was a great story for grandma to hear. Paul got an award for Student of the Month that day. We were all talking and laughing the only way mom would have wanted it. After the game shows we turned off the tv and the kids wanted to sing to her before they left so we had about an hour and a half of Karaoke with Grandma as they called it. The kids sang Silent Night, Automatic and the House that Built Me both by Miranda Lambert. Both Automatic and The House that Built Me were two of mom's favorites so they were sung at the beginning and the end of the their performance. My sister said, "one last song kids." When the kids were finished Beth, Billie and I changed mom and got her ready for the night. But before we took our hands off of her I looked up and said, "I think she has stopped breathing?"  Beth, Billie and I still all had our hands on her and we waited. Held our breath. Was she gone. She was. I feel that when the kids finished singing and walked out the door... Mom was gone as well. She passed away just that fast. She could not have written down instructions for a better evening. 

The next few hours and days were difficult but I thought we are Basore's and we will get through this. And we have started a new journey down a new path. I had hoped not to take for a while longer but everything changes and as the song says, "you leave home and move on and do the best you can."

That is what we are doing now. The best we can. Thanks to our Mom.