So much of everything is the same. Today is the same as yesterday and tomorrow probably won't be very different. Last weekend and and again today I watched a couple episodes of a documentary about Rick Rubin and his place Shangri-La. His home, recording studio, paradise. I am not sure if it is perfection but it seems a simple life not an easy one or maybe it is? He has found a way to make it his own. The thing that interested me was that he is not a person whose music I would have been interested in but there are themes that I believe and after watching the first episode there is music he has made with people that I like. But he tells the musicians, if you are true to yourself you are successful. You may not have a top 10 gold record but you can walk away from your work and be proud of it. Today as I was watching he spoke of meditation and these musicians that come there find a inner peace that they didn't have. I don't feel like he tells them what to do but shows them. Asks questions, like do you like the way that feels? I am sure there are plenty of people that tell these artists what will sell and what won't but Rick wants you to be happy with your work. Try something you've never tried stick your neck out and at the same time look inside. On the episode I watched last week he said that is why there are one hit wonders. That passion they have when they are not making money isn't there when they try to repeat the magic. The influences are crazy and the fans that are let down when an artist can't duplicate it. They spends their whole life creating the first album but only have 2 years to get the next one out.
As I watch I feel like he is a life coach I couldn't afford to go to. For someone to tell me Jeanne, you have to be happy. This isn't like asking do you like bacon with your eggs. This is saying what makes you truly happy and do it. Unfortunately I have not yet found a way to make money at the things I love but I have never stuck my neck out to do those things either. I do them in my spare time, at home alone, at 3am. Funny how my happiness and joy from writing or photography sometimes comes through hard times. Sometimes tears in my eyes before I even take the picture. That is how you know it is good. People don't understand that sometimes letting go of the things that make me worry bring tears to my eyes to but those aren't sad tears. Sometimes they are happy ones.
Sitting here today I thought I would listen to some music from the musicians I saw on this documentary today. I found at the end that one that I was going to look up has passed away since the filming. Instead I turned on my XM radio and it was on Prime Country. Right out of the gate some Gatlin Brothers, All the Gold in California, then a Reba duet with Linda Davis Does He Loves You, then Love Me by Colin Raye if you don't know that song well the if you aren't crying listening to the words the last couple lines say "Between now and then, 'til I see you again. I'll be loving you, Love Me." When we were kids mom would leave us notes with what we needed to do around house before she got home and her signature was simply the word Love. I have always signed mine Love, Me.
Ironically this was not a word spoken in our house as kids. It was an understanding that we were loved. It was a given. We had food, clothes and lots of family. We never wanted for anything and as we grew up that is how we understood love. There weren't hugs exchanged or kisses it was the act of love that we were raised with. I didn't even know that it wasn't the way every one's family was until I got older and I remember a friend trying to hug me and I was kinda put off by this awkward showing of affection. Now as adults we have all learned how to show affection of this type but it still to me isn't all that love is. I still believe love is a verb. It is an action not a gift. Yes, a hug is an action but so spending time with a person, just visiting or talking. It is putting a roof over your head and feeding you. I know some are going to take that is being mean. It wasn't mean it was love. My favorite dad story is one from when I was very young walking down a sidewalk with my father and I tripped. He stood there and waited for me to get up. He didn't rush to grab me and wipe my knees. These two ladies were there and saw what happened and said to my dad, Aren't you going to pick her up. My dad said, She has to learn to get up on her own. I won't always be there to pick her up. I told that story in 7th grade for a project. So to each their own but I know that story is love.
I know I always say I don't know what I am writing about when I start. This blog is a free form expression of the things in my head and at the time I stop to share them. As I spend this evening listening to the music that made me I think why in the world don't we have music like this and the answer is maybe love is given easily and everyone is owed something. No one wants to do anything the hard way anymore. People don't want to wait or put in the time. The last thing I want to share from this series was that people think that when they get their gold album they will be happy but that void can't be filled like that. This is why you have to be happy with what you do.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Saturday, July 13, 2019
I am ok
I find it sometimes funny how life is going along and then I am smacked in the face (figuratively of course). But in that moment I go from cruising along to worrisome mode. Now for people that don't see me everyday they may be concerned that this is my usual state. It is just as fast that my way will be found out of the funk and back to smooth sailing. I just don't know when the moment is coming and I sure don't know where it ends. That would make life simpler if I could say well if I get through Tuesday I will be good. I couldn't do that with my period I guess I shouldn't be able to do it with anything else either. Funny 20 years ago I wouldn't have shared that but it doesn't matter. I feel like today whatever I can share of my life that makes someone else look at theirs and say I got this. It is all worth it. It won't make my life easier not sharing and it doesn't make anyone else's life easier really just a little hope that we can do this. Well these things that cause the worry and sadness are just everyday things that happen in life. They just kinda roll up together and all of a sudden I was fine and now I am not.
I still think the same positive thoughts they just sometimes lose out to the little guy on my shoulder going are you kidding Jeanne. It ain't turning out your way. Look at this way. Some sort of surprise or grief or loss of some sort starts this ball and it truly can be anything just as it could be anything that rights this boat and gets it back on course.
An example: Last year Brian and I were flying to North Carolina for his mother's birthday. The whole day I was just think it is going to be ok Jeanne. But it didn't matter as much as I thought it there was some other part of my brain that was going no it isn't. So the weather was terrible and the sky as we got closer to Asheville was really dark and we circled and circled and in a split second the pilot floored it and we were not landing. My entire body sighed in relief as we flew away from there. Next thing we here the pilot say we have been diverted and are heading to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I was like cool. Never been. I am pretty sure I was the only person on the plane not upset that we didn't land as we should. Now this diversion cost us about 3 hours and they gave us a drink and gassed up the plane and when the weather cleared we were back to Asheville. We got to Brian's parent's house just before 9pm and I was happy as a clam. It was the first time I had ever noticed the switch from worrying and ok so quick. I am sure some shrink has a technical term for what happened. A chemical shift in my brain but it was that quick and the not worrying stuck for quite a while.
Just a weird thing that happens that I feel like I am the only one in the world it happens to or maybe just the only one that notices it happening.
So as they say this to shall pass. Hopefully soon. I just start doing all the things that help me to feel better and one day I will not be worrying so much soon. Until then I just remind myself that I am ok.
I still think the same positive thoughts they just sometimes lose out to the little guy on my shoulder going are you kidding Jeanne. It ain't turning out your way. Look at this way. Some sort of surprise or grief or loss of some sort starts this ball and it truly can be anything just as it could be anything that rights this boat and gets it back on course.
An example: Last year Brian and I were flying to North Carolina for his mother's birthday. The whole day I was just think it is going to be ok Jeanne. But it didn't matter as much as I thought it there was some other part of my brain that was going no it isn't. So the weather was terrible and the sky as we got closer to Asheville was really dark and we circled and circled and in a split second the pilot floored it and we were not landing. My entire body sighed in relief as we flew away from there. Next thing we here the pilot say we have been diverted and are heading to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I was like cool. Never been. I am pretty sure I was the only person on the plane not upset that we didn't land as we should. Now this diversion cost us about 3 hours and they gave us a drink and gassed up the plane and when the weather cleared we were back to Asheville. We got to Brian's parent's house just before 9pm and I was happy as a clam. It was the first time I had ever noticed the switch from worrying and ok so quick. I am sure some shrink has a technical term for what happened. A chemical shift in my brain but it was that quick and the not worrying stuck for quite a while.
Just a weird thing that happens that I feel like I am the only one in the world it happens to or maybe just the only one that notices it happening.
So as they say this to shall pass. Hopefully soon. I just start doing all the things that help me to feel better and one day I will not be worrying so much soon. Until then I just remind myself that I am ok.
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Feelings
I have always thought it funny how my brother and I are left handed and my 3 younger sisters are right handed and how different all of our handwriting is. Yet we all grew up in the same house with the same parents and for the most part had the same teachers but we all learned to write differently.
The same can be said for our feelings. We all had the same experiences together as kids but since we were of different ages and stages in our lives when they happened and we look at them differently. One thought that always comes to mind for me is when my youngest sister was born. I woke up that morning and saw on the changing table already set up in my bedroom that there was a box of baby announcements missing. So I got up all excited knowing that my mom had gone during the night to have the new baby girl. I was 7. My brother and sisters they woke up in their rooms and didn't know something was different until they got to the living room and our grandmother was there.
Last night my sister and I went to my mom's to get some things for another garage sale. When I got to my mom's house and walked in, the furniture was moved and the living room was not as I left it I got upset. Not because the things were moved or changed but because I didn't know it had been done. So it was a shock. But that shock unraveled into the feeling that this emotional roller coaster is so different for all of us and one point of view is the stuff has to go and the other is the touchy feely side that I feel.
Feelings a 1974 Morris Albert song. Wo-o-o, Feelings, Trying to forget my feelings of love.
I guess the emotional baggage I have carried my whole life, the very fiber that makes up me again is feeling discounted. That is the thing that is truly upsetting. The things that matter to me that don't matter to others. Which makes me feel like I don't matter. That is not a very nice feeling.
Since I like to know why, I looked up the definition of feelings. An emotional state or reaction. So I read that some neuroscience professor believes that feelings are the brain's way of interpreting and reacting to emotions. After I got home and cried for quite a while my sister called me and she said that this stuff upsets her to but she has to work and puts on her smile and moves on. Well I do to. I try really hard not to let the feelings stop me from living. I am not terminally sad but to some it may seem that way. Just at this time in my life my mortality and the fact that I never had any children and there will not be anyone that looks at my things with the memories I have for my mothers is what really is getting me down.
I watched a movie the other night under the recommendation of my favorite movie buff friend called "Hello my name is Doris". Well Doris and I have had some similar situations in our lives. The movie starts at her mother's funeral you know the one after she has taken care of her mom, her entire life. And her brother brings up the fact that now that mom has passed on Doris there is no need for you to keep that big house and all the stuff in it on Staten Island. They were still at the funeral. He sets her up with a life coach to help her and she goes to visit but isn't ready to part with her mother's things. But her brother seeing the money they could make off the house pushes for the sale. Pushes so much that he brings the life coach to the house one morning unannounced. Which totally devastates Doris. Now this reaction I know. My mother hated change so much when you changed anything for better or worse she hated it. I don't hate that there was a change. I just need to be for warned. Which I think is so that I can prepare myself for the feelings that I have in regards to the loss of my mother and that they are so different from others.
My brother has not been like her brother in the movie. My brother tried and wanted to keep the house. And we all were aware that the things in the house had to be thinned out even if one of us was going to live in the house. So, back to the movie. The part that really got me was when her brother brought the life coach over unannounced and the sister-in-law who has no regards for Doris's feelings just threw her hands up as though Doris is being selfish that this home that was hers not someone elses and she is not ready to change. After Doris throws a temper tantrum the sister-in-law leaves and the brother says, "Doris, I am very disappointed with you." And this is when I felt like Doris and I had a true connection. She says, "You are disappointed in me?" She had taken care of their mother her whole life. He lived his. He went to college and got married. She didn't and that makes her mad and sad. He doesn't knows the things she gave up to do what she felt was the right thing to do.
Well Doris she does clean out the house and sell it. And so are we. There are other parts to the movie but what I have mentioned was the parts I related to. Sally Field portrayed my feelings perfectly.
I will work on my knee jerk reaction that I don't matter to others. And I will try not to worry about life after I am gone.
The same can be said for our feelings. We all had the same experiences together as kids but since we were of different ages and stages in our lives when they happened and we look at them differently. One thought that always comes to mind for me is when my youngest sister was born. I woke up that morning and saw on the changing table already set up in my bedroom that there was a box of baby announcements missing. So I got up all excited knowing that my mom had gone during the night to have the new baby girl. I was 7. My brother and sisters they woke up in their rooms and didn't know something was different until they got to the living room and our grandmother was there.
Last night my sister and I went to my mom's to get some things for another garage sale. When I got to my mom's house and walked in, the furniture was moved and the living room was not as I left it I got upset. Not because the things were moved or changed but because I didn't know it had been done. So it was a shock. But that shock unraveled into the feeling that this emotional roller coaster is so different for all of us and one point of view is the stuff has to go and the other is the touchy feely side that I feel.
Feelings a 1974 Morris Albert song. Wo-o-o, Feelings, Trying to forget my feelings of love.
I guess the emotional baggage I have carried my whole life, the very fiber that makes up me again is feeling discounted. That is the thing that is truly upsetting. The things that matter to me that don't matter to others. Which makes me feel like I don't matter. That is not a very nice feeling.
Since I like to know why, I looked up the definition of feelings. An emotional state or reaction. So I read that some neuroscience professor believes that feelings are the brain's way of interpreting and reacting to emotions. After I got home and cried for quite a while my sister called me and she said that this stuff upsets her to but she has to work and puts on her smile and moves on. Well I do to. I try really hard not to let the feelings stop me from living. I am not terminally sad but to some it may seem that way. Just at this time in my life my mortality and the fact that I never had any children and there will not be anyone that looks at my things with the memories I have for my mothers is what really is getting me down.
I watched a movie the other night under the recommendation of my favorite movie buff friend called "Hello my name is Doris". Well Doris and I have had some similar situations in our lives. The movie starts at her mother's funeral you know the one after she has taken care of her mom, her entire life. And her brother brings up the fact that now that mom has passed on Doris there is no need for you to keep that big house and all the stuff in it on Staten Island. They were still at the funeral. He sets her up with a life coach to help her and she goes to visit but isn't ready to part with her mother's things. But her brother seeing the money they could make off the house pushes for the sale. Pushes so much that he brings the life coach to the house one morning unannounced. Which totally devastates Doris. Now this reaction I know. My mother hated change so much when you changed anything for better or worse she hated it. I don't hate that there was a change. I just need to be for warned. Which I think is so that I can prepare myself for the feelings that I have in regards to the loss of my mother and that they are so different from others.
My brother has not been like her brother in the movie. My brother tried and wanted to keep the house. And we all were aware that the things in the house had to be thinned out even if one of us was going to live in the house. So, back to the movie. The part that really got me was when her brother brought the life coach over unannounced and the sister-in-law who has no regards for Doris's feelings just threw her hands up as though Doris is being selfish that this home that was hers not someone elses and she is not ready to change. After Doris throws a temper tantrum the sister-in-law leaves and the brother says, "Doris, I am very disappointed with you." And this is when I felt like Doris and I had a true connection. She says, "You are disappointed in me?" She had taken care of their mother her whole life. He lived his. He went to college and got married. She didn't and that makes her mad and sad. He doesn't knows the things she gave up to do what she felt was the right thing to do.
Well Doris she does clean out the house and sell it. And so are we. There are other parts to the movie but what I have mentioned was the parts I related to. Sally Field portrayed my feelings perfectly.
I will work on my knee jerk reaction that I don't matter to others. And I will try not to worry about life after I am gone.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Every day annoyances
On a normal day I wear my heart and soul on my sleeve. It is there for all to see. The more people know me the more they know the things that bother me, things I cannot tolerate and the things that I will drop everything right now and try to fix.
But lately I have found that some of the things that bother me are well grating at my ever loving nerves. They are not the things that I would stop for normally. Kids, animals that sort of thing. So I need to get some of them off my chest. I drive to work the same way everyday and everyday I stop at the light near my work and have on one side of my car a well manicured College campus. Beautiful oak trees and green grass. The kind you find at a park and would like to spend the afternoon sitting in having a picnic. On the other side of the street are soccer fields again well taken care of and even the parking lot is clean and is not a terrible place to spend a few minutes under a tree in your car eating lunch. Then there is the median. You know a little spot in between the lanes of traffic that has a little grass a few bushes and should not be anything that causes alarm or irritation to the point that I am writing at 2 o'clock in the morning yet here I am.
Now I am going on almost two years at the office I work at and off and on for the almost two years this median has been a source of irritation. Kinda like a splinter under your fingernail you cannot get out. So yesterday as I left my mothers and headed to work I noticed that the causeway looked beautiful. The median there is well maintained by City employees and is seen as the one of the prides of the city. Well then there I am sitting at the light about to turn into work and there is this median. Obviously not the pride of the city but more like the plight of the city. Now I know this seems a bit extreme but really, the grass in this median is higher than the bushes in the median and even if the grass is mowed the weeds and grass growing through the bushes is over a foot taller than the bushes. Now there is a part of me that says Jeanne let the median go. It is not your concern it is not hurting you or anyone else which is all true. But I feel like it is a reflection of the city and therefor of me.
Now there is irony here. Our yard thanks to our little furry bunny friends needs some help as well. My little 4 legged hopping friends have caused the bushes in our front yard to die and need to be removed. I am holding out for cooler weather which is coming and we will be out there working on correcting our little problem. Hopefully in a way satisfactory to both me and the bunnies. I however am not paid to maintain my yard as someone is to maintain that median and it is just out of pride that I do it. And yes I take pride in my little stretch of the city. I have on occasion cut the grass of the neighbors who did not have as much pride or annoyance as I and would not think twice about doing it again. So the irritated Jeanne said you know I could take a lawnmower up there and fix this problem in an hour and be fine with it but then my brother tells me about some lady that does just this very thing and gets hit by a car. Now I am not willing to die for the median so I will go back to plan A and try to get the city to get their contractor that they are paying to go out and do their damn job. So I have the name of the man who can help and will make that phone call on Monday so that I can go to work in peace and enjoy the entire view along the way.
Next, Identity theft and our government. This is another source of irritation with me. Brian and I have been dealing with for almost this entire year. First it was the IRS and then Unemployment and then a payday advance loan. So again another exercise in futility instead of spending my morning hour writing something I would like to write about a subject more pleasing than the security of an identity that I feel like is a genie out of the bottle sort of thing. It is now out there all we can do is sit back and wait for the bad stuff to happen and fix it when it does. Just to let you know the companies that say they can secure you from such things can only help after the fact if you pay more for the services. So here we wait it is now October waiting on our tax refund. Patiently waiting for the wheels of our government to move ever so slowly that maybe that tax money will be Christmas money and then I cannot wait to start the process all over again for next year. Now today I called a phone number that was provided from the IRS in regards to our tax return and they asked if it was a financial hardship that we do not have our tax return. I don't know anyone that it is not a hardship for. But no there is no company about to turn off our utilities so it is technically not a hardship. Then I was transferred to the identity theft unit and was told the wait would be 30 to 60 minutes and on their recording they said to please be patient and if you have not waited over 180 days to give them some more time. Wow. So they got their way today. I did not have another 30 to 60 minutes to hold.
Now we have filed police reports on these incidents and a report with the FTC and put a credit freeze on our credit but here is the kicker. Payday loan places don't check your credit. Guess what that means they don't know you have a freeze on yours. So to that I say sorry about your luck. I will never forget the kid that called at 8 o'clock one morning and told me that we had taken out this loan. I said I know that is not the case and he told me that my husband may have done it without my knowledge as he said, it happens all the time. I told that kid not in this house and again told him that we had done no such thing. Well the next morning he called again and asked for Brian this time and again we told him the same thing. We thought at first scam, wrong number, wrong person. Nope. All the nope. Again that genie has been used and again we had to prove our case and they have agreed we are not responsible for the loan But with my effort has come a small reward. They have provided some information to the police dept and the police dept has requested a subpoena for more and maybe someday the person who has been working so diligently on getting our money and then some will get caught. That will not put the genie back in the bottle but I will get some satisfaction out of my efforts.
Ok, Jeanne is that it you have been writing for an hour it is 3 o'clock and I do feel better about these things I have written but I have one more. Oh God, I just thought of another. Well let me see here. So do I write about politics and the fact that the 2016 election is 13 months away and I am getting poled on weather or not I will vote for Charlie Christ or Eric Lynn some guy I have never heard of. Well Charlie sorry. Oh that is funny Sorry Charlie, I am not going to vote for you. I have clothes that I have had longer than the opinions you have on subjects and you have done your bit for Florida Thank you. So this other dude Eric don't know him but the poling person told me he was raised in Pinellas County ok good but so was Charlie. But doesn't own a house here. So he doesn't live here anymore. So I thought run for office where you do live. Oh he lives in DC well guess you should run there. I don't know what to tell you people running for office but be glad there are very few people that care and less that vote and it seems that the voters are either the last few dying it is my right and my duty people or someone with some political agenda to get something done that no one wants done but no one is willing to stand up and tell you that because well that takes time. Oh Yeah and as for the politics of 2016 I heard on the radio the other day that Hillary raised $28 million in the last 3 months for her political campaign. Now here again sorry but really. That is crazy money. And where is this money going to grease the wheels of the media to spin the propaganda that she wants spun and for me to suffer through a lifetimes worth of hateful commercials crammed into a few months. I have said it before but here is an idea. Instead of spending all of this money on ads and media how about let us buy books for kids in places that don't have access to them or provide Internet for families that can't afford it. I know it seems like a luxury item to me but I know kids in school use the Internet like we used to use the Encyclopedia Britannica. For those born in the age of Internet you will have to Google it or ask your friend Siri or Cortana if she has ever used an encyclopedia to look something up.
The book idea made me think of my cousin Tami. She lives in a very small town in the rust belt of Ohio right along the Ohio River and she maintains the library in her town. You know the buildings and grounds and she has been known to shovel snow and mow grass and whatever else it takes to keep the place running. So I just looked and could not find the budget of her small town library. So I found another small town and their library budget was 1.7 million dollars for next year. I am thinking my cousin and her friends at her library probably wish for money like that but since Ohio is not Florida there are no sunshine laws and I could not at 4 o'clock in the morning find their City Budget for next year. So I will go with what I have. That 1.7 million dollar budget for a town, well Hillary that means that you could fund over 16 small towns libraries for a year with the money you raised in the last quarter. Instead that money will grease the pockets of media moguls that can afford to have someone else read to them at night instead of going to the library and checking out a book and reading it them self. No, I am not mad just really irritated that the people of the world do not seem to care unless it affects them. And to the people donating the money for Hillary and the rest of the people running for president please. For the love of God find something better to do with your money than buying advertising. Or make Hillary do something good with it. That would be something worth getting excited over and worthy of my vote. But her paying a bunch of people to figure out if a hateful campaign will beat out the rest well that I just can not buy into.
Alright the last thing I had will have to wait. I am sure you all are glad. I have probably lost most along the way this morning but for those that hung on until the end. I thank you for your time. I mean it. I just needed to let someone know how all of this makes me feel. So back to bed. Goodnight.
But lately I have found that some of the things that bother me are well grating at my ever loving nerves. They are not the things that I would stop for normally. Kids, animals that sort of thing. So I need to get some of them off my chest. I drive to work the same way everyday and everyday I stop at the light near my work and have on one side of my car a well manicured College campus. Beautiful oak trees and green grass. The kind you find at a park and would like to spend the afternoon sitting in having a picnic. On the other side of the street are soccer fields again well taken care of and even the parking lot is clean and is not a terrible place to spend a few minutes under a tree in your car eating lunch. Then there is the median. You know a little spot in between the lanes of traffic that has a little grass a few bushes and should not be anything that causes alarm or irritation to the point that I am writing at 2 o'clock in the morning yet here I am.
Now I am going on almost two years at the office I work at and off and on for the almost two years this median has been a source of irritation. Kinda like a splinter under your fingernail you cannot get out. So yesterday as I left my mothers and headed to work I noticed that the causeway looked beautiful. The median there is well maintained by City employees and is seen as the one of the prides of the city. Well then there I am sitting at the light about to turn into work and there is this median. Obviously not the pride of the city but more like the plight of the city. Now I know this seems a bit extreme but really, the grass in this median is higher than the bushes in the median and even if the grass is mowed the weeds and grass growing through the bushes is over a foot taller than the bushes. Now there is a part of me that says Jeanne let the median go. It is not your concern it is not hurting you or anyone else which is all true. But I feel like it is a reflection of the city and therefor of me.
Now there is irony here. Our yard thanks to our little furry bunny friends needs some help as well. My little 4 legged hopping friends have caused the bushes in our front yard to die and need to be removed. I am holding out for cooler weather which is coming and we will be out there working on correcting our little problem. Hopefully in a way satisfactory to both me and the bunnies. I however am not paid to maintain my yard as someone is to maintain that median and it is just out of pride that I do it. And yes I take pride in my little stretch of the city. I have on occasion cut the grass of the neighbors who did not have as much pride or annoyance as I and would not think twice about doing it again. So the irritated Jeanne said you know I could take a lawnmower up there and fix this problem in an hour and be fine with it but then my brother tells me about some lady that does just this very thing and gets hit by a car. Now I am not willing to die for the median so I will go back to plan A and try to get the city to get their contractor that they are paying to go out and do their damn job. So I have the name of the man who can help and will make that phone call on Monday so that I can go to work in peace and enjoy the entire view along the way.
Next, Identity theft and our government. This is another source of irritation with me. Brian and I have been dealing with for almost this entire year. First it was the IRS and then Unemployment and then a payday advance loan. So again another exercise in futility instead of spending my morning hour writing something I would like to write about a subject more pleasing than the security of an identity that I feel like is a genie out of the bottle sort of thing. It is now out there all we can do is sit back and wait for the bad stuff to happen and fix it when it does. Just to let you know the companies that say they can secure you from such things can only help after the fact if you pay more for the services. So here we wait it is now October waiting on our tax refund. Patiently waiting for the wheels of our government to move ever so slowly that maybe that tax money will be Christmas money and then I cannot wait to start the process all over again for next year. Now today I called a phone number that was provided from the IRS in regards to our tax return and they asked if it was a financial hardship that we do not have our tax return. I don't know anyone that it is not a hardship for. But no there is no company about to turn off our utilities so it is technically not a hardship. Then I was transferred to the identity theft unit and was told the wait would be 30 to 60 minutes and on their recording they said to please be patient and if you have not waited over 180 days to give them some more time. Wow. So they got their way today. I did not have another 30 to 60 minutes to hold.
Now we have filed police reports on these incidents and a report with the FTC and put a credit freeze on our credit but here is the kicker. Payday loan places don't check your credit. Guess what that means they don't know you have a freeze on yours. So to that I say sorry about your luck. I will never forget the kid that called at 8 o'clock one morning and told me that we had taken out this loan. I said I know that is not the case and he told me that my husband may have done it without my knowledge as he said, it happens all the time. I told that kid not in this house and again told him that we had done no such thing. Well the next morning he called again and asked for Brian this time and again we told him the same thing. We thought at first scam, wrong number, wrong person. Nope. All the nope. Again that genie has been used and again we had to prove our case and they have agreed we are not responsible for the loan But with my effort has come a small reward. They have provided some information to the police dept and the police dept has requested a subpoena for more and maybe someday the person who has been working so diligently on getting our money and then some will get caught. That will not put the genie back in the bottle but I will get some satisfaction out of my efforts.
Ok, Jeanne is that it you have been writing for an hour it is 3 o'clock and I do feel better about these things I have written but I have one more. Oh God, I just thought of another. Well let me see here. So do I write about politics and the fact that the 2016 election is 13 months away and I am getting poled on weather or not I will vote for Charlie Christ or Eric Lynn some guy I have never heard of. Well Charlie sorry. Oh that is funny Sorry Charlie, I am not going to vote for you. I have clothes that I have had longer than the opinions you have on subjects and you have done your bit for Florida Thank you. So this other dude Eric don't know him but the poling person told me he was raised in Pinellas County ok good but so was Charlie. But doesn't own a house here. So he doesn't live here anymore. So I thought run for office where you do live. Oh he lives in DC well guess you should run there. I don't know what to tell you people running for office but be glad there are very few people that care and less that vote and it seems that the voters are either the last few dying it is my right and my duty people or someone with some political agenda to get something done that no one wants done but no one is willing to stand up and tell you that because well that takes time. Oh Yeah and as for the politics of 2016 I heard on the radio the other day that Hillary raised $28 million in the last 3 months for her political campaign. Now here again sorry but really. That is crazy money. And where is this money going to grease the wheels of the media to spin the propaganda that she wants spun and for me to suffer through a lifetimes worth of hateful commercials crammed into a few months. I have said it before but here is an idea. Instead of spending all of this money on ads and media how about let us buy books for kids in places that don't have access to them or provide Internet for families that can't afford it. I know it seems like a luxury item to me but I know kids in school use the Internet like we used to use the Encyclopedia Britannica. For those born in the age of Internet you will have to Google it or ask your friend Siri or Cortana if she has ever used an encyclopedia to look something up.
The book idea made me think of my cousin Tami. She lives in a very small town in the rust belt of Ohio right along the Ohio River and she maintains the library in her town. You know the buildings and grounds and she has been known to shovel snow and mow grass and whatever else it takes to keep the place running. So I just looked and could not find the budget of her small town library. So I found another small town and their library budget was 1.7 million dollars for next year. I am thinking my cousin and her friends at her library probably wish for money like that but since Ohio is not Florida there are no sunshine laws and I could not at 4 o'clock in the morning find their City Budget for next year. So I will go with what I have. That 1.7 million dollar budget for a town, well Hillary that means that you could fund over 16 small towns libraries for a year with the money you raised in the last quarter. Instead that money will grease the pockets of media moguls that can afford to have someone else read to them at night instead of going to the library and checking out a book and reading it them self. No, I am not mad just really irritated that the people of the world do not seem to care unless it affects them. And to the people donating the money for Hillary and the rest of the people running for president please. For the love of God find something better to do with your money than buying advertising. Or make Hillary do something good with it. That would be something worth getting excited over and worthy of my vote. But her paying a bunch of people to figure out if a hateful campaign will beat out the rest well that I just can not buy into.
Alright the last thing I had will have to wait. I am sure you all are glad. I have probably lost most along the way this morning but for those that hung on until the end. I thank you for your time. I mean it. I just needed to let someone know how all of this makes me feel. So back to bed. Goodnight.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
The Empath in Me
Empath, Empathetic, Empathy: Are defined as a person who identifies or feels the thoughts and or attitudes of others. Fairly new term by a German philosopher Rudolf Lotze he thought that one looking at art could impress their own sensibilities onto it. To me that says that you see what you want in the image. If blue skies make you sad you may be sad to see a picture with blue skies? A friend of mine had read an article online about Empaths and said that it was me. Not really sure if I fit the definition but I found a web site that had a list of 30 common traits of an empath. So I went down the list and thought I would see how many apply to me. Not sure after reading the list if they are signs or symptoms if it is a gift or a diagnosis. Not sure if it is good or bad not even sure if it is me.
I can tell you what is me. I am the person that sees something like lets say an ambulance in front of a building that I am about to go in and visit my mother and I think oh God, something is wrong with mom. And I think most people would walk in and find the person they are looking for fine and and feel relieved. No that would not be me. I see a couple medical staff people standing over my mom with machines hooked up to her checking her blood pressure and her oxygen levels and say she was feeling weak and thought she was going to pass out. She now looks worse than she has looked in weeks and I thought we were making progress. So enough about my life lets see if I am an Empath or at least Empathetic
1. Just knowing. Well I often feel as though I know things before they happen or I will think a thought and then it happens. May not have anything to do with me and I may have no way of affecting the thing to happen. But still somehow I know.
2. Public places may be overwhelming. This one is a no for me. I do not like to be crowded together with people but I do not mind being out in public.
3. Feeling others emotion., Sometimes I do feel like I know what others are feeling but I have always based that on similar experiences.
4. Watching violence is unbearable. I have never been able to watch blood and guts movies but more recently I can not see or even hear stories of violence or cruelty. It is too upsetting to me. After Hurricane Katrina I told Brian we could not watch anymore about it on TV if I can not go help I cannot know anymore.
5. You know when someone is not being honest. I can call Brian out on a fib quicker than anyone else but I usually get a feeling if someone is not telling the truth. On the reverse side it is nearly impossible for me to lie about a lot of things.
6. Picking up physical symptoms of others. I do not think this applies to me but my mother will definitely feel bad if I say that I do.
7. Digestive problems. No, not me again. Got a stomach like a steal trap.
8. Always looking out for the underdog. I do feel like the loosing team should win but as well when someone has a weakness I like to share their strength.
9. Others will want to offload their problems on you. People have always felt they can share with me. Again I always know when I need to share with others. To show that they aren't alone.
10. Constant Fatigue. I have had problems with this as an adult. Some have been caused by physical problems. I am exhausted or feel drained a lot.
11. Addictive personality. Another no. But definitely a family trait. I think that I avoid things that I could be addicted to.
12. Drawn to healing. This one also mentioned an interest in supernatural. This I have an interest in anything that can not be explained. I just want to understand Why or How it works. My father's mom used to go to all kinds of churches because she wanted to understand what they believe. Even healers. I have always found that fact to be very interesting.
13. Creative. My imagination is incredible and I love art, writing, photography and music.
14. Love of nature and animals. I am not an outdoors person but I love it when the weather is nice. I have always loved animals. I cannot see an animal in need of help without helping. Have to limit myself when it comes to homeless animals. I could take them all home if I could take care of them. I do know the difference.
15. Need for solitude. I am happy home alone in the silence. I drive now a lot in silence. I even realized a few weeks ago the reason I do not like the electric toothbrush is that I do not like the noise. I really prefer silence or music.
16. Get bored or distracted easily. My imagination can go down a path unnecessarily when listening to another person talk. But as long as I am busy at work it is easy to stay focused on the task at hand.
17. Finds it impossible to do things the do not enjoy. Could be considered lazy. I wish it was impossible but most of the time I can be guilted into whatever someone else wants for the good of the whole.
18. Strives for the truth. When someone lies and I catch them I am very disappointed. All I ask is for the truth.
19. Always looking for answers. This goes back to wanting to understand things and how they work and always why.
20. Likes adventures. Adventures within reason. Attainable goals. I enjoy the water but don't need to scuba dive in it. Like to fly but don't need to jump out of an airplane.
21. Abhors clutter. This is a Big NO. I wish it bothered me more but I can tolerate clutter as long as I know where everything is.
22. Loves to daydream. Favorite pass time other than reading.
23. Finds rules and routines imprisoning. I like rules. Not stupid rules and I decide what is stupid or not.
24. Prone to carry weight without overeating. Well I hope this is why but I believe I eat more calories than I work off and that is why I am heavy.
25. Excellent listener. I would be a good counselor but the problem is that I would then worry for the people I counseled. So maybe not so good at it after all.
26. Intolerant of narcosis. Used to work for one. Now I don't. I could list all the reasons but they already know because they know everything.
27. Feels the days of the week. This was confusing at first but it is like being excited about Friday even if you have to work all weekend. I do this sometimes. Or dread Monday even though I don't have to work.
28. Will not choose to by vintage or antique things. This is in regards to the energy the item carries. I feel when buying something that is old or used I sometimes wonder about the woman who owned an old cookbook or a person that previously read the book I am reading. So no but maybe I wouldn't buy something that I felt a negative energy about but I don't think that has ever happened.
29. Senses the energy of food. This is the sensing of the energy from the animal that you are eating. I cannot think about this because I could not eat it if I thought about it.
30. Can be shy, aloof or moody. Sometimes to the negative. I have said that my happiness pendulum often swings to sad more than most. I can be withdrawn when I worry. It is hard to be happy and worrying at the same time. When I am up and on my A game. I am a fun loving person. But when I am not, I am not.
Ok. So I have counted and I am feel that 19 of the signs do apply in some way to me. The article says that if at least half apply to my that I am an empath. So I am still interested in this theory I can not base my future on one article. The things I believe apply to me apply and the things that don't don't. I don't think most put this much time and consideration into most internet survey's but again. That would not be me.
Giving credit where it is due. I got my list from the following website. http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html
I can tell you what is me. I am the person that sees something like lets say an ambulance in front of a building that I am about to go in and visit my mother and I think oh God, something is wrong with mom. And I think most people would walk in and find the person they are looking for fine and and feel relieved. No that would not be me. I see a couple medical staff people standing over my mom with machines hooked up to her checking her blood pressure and her oxygen levels and say she was feeling weak and thought she was going to pass out. She now looks worse than she has looked in weeks and I thought we were making progress. So enough about my life lets see if I am an Empath or at least Empathetic
1. Just knowing. Well I often feel as though I know things before they happen or I will think a thought and then it happens. May not have anything to do with me and I may have no way of affecting the thing to happen. But still somehow I know.
2. Public places may be overwhelming. This one is a no for me. I do not like to be crowded together with people but I do not mind being out in public.
3. Feeling others emotion., Sometimes I do feel like I know what others are feeling but I have always based that on similar experiences.
4. Watching violence is unbearable. I have never been able to watch blood and guts movies but more recently I can not see or even hear stories of violence or cruelty. It is too upsetting to me. After Hurricane Katrina I told Brian we could not watch anymore about it on TV if I can not go help I cannot know anymore.
5. You know when someone is not being honest. I can call Brian out on a fib quicker than anyone else but I usually get a feeling if someone is not telling the truth. On the reverse side it is nearly impossible for me to lie about a lot of things.
6. Picking up physical symptoms of others. I do not think this applies to me but my mother will definitely feel bad if I say that I do.
7. Digestive problems. No, not me again. Got a stomach like a steal trap.
8. Always looking out for the underdog. I do feel like the loosing team should win but as well when someone has a weakness I like to share their strength.
9. Others will want to offload their problems on you. People have always felt they can share with me. Again I always know when I need to share with others. To show that they aren't alone.
10. Constant Fatigue. I have had problems with this as an adult. Some have been caused by physical problems. I am exhausted or feel drained a lot.
11. Addictive personality. Another no. But definitely a family trait. I think that I avoid things that I could be addicted to.
12. Drawn to healing. This one also mentioned an interest in supernatural. This I have an interest in anything that can not be explained. I just want to understand Why or How it works. My father's mom used to go to all kinds of churches because she wanted to understand what they believe. Even healers. I have always found that fact to be very interesting.
13. Creative. My imagination is incredible and I love art, writing, photography and music.
14. Love of nature and animals. I am not an outdoors person but I love it when the weather is nice. I have always loved animals. I cannot see an animal in need of help without helping. Have to limit myself when it comes to homeless animals. I could take them all home if I could take care of them. I do know the difference.
15. Need for solitude. I am happy home alone in the silence. I drive now a lot in silence. I even realized a few weeks ago the reason I do not like the electric toothbrush is that I do not like the noise. I really prefer silence or music.
16. Get bored or distracted easily. My imagination can go down a path unnecessarily when listening to another person talk. But as long as I am busy at work it is easy to stay focused on the task at hand.
17. Finds it impossible to do things the do not enjoy. Could be considered lazy. I wish it was impossible but most of the time I can be guilted into whatever someone else wants for the good of the whole.
18. Strives for the truth. When someone lies and I catch them I am very disappointed. All I ask is for the truth.
19. Always looking for answers. This goes back to wanting to understand things and how they work and always why.
20. Likes adventures. Adventures within reason. Attainable goals. I enjoy the water but don't need to scuba dive in it. Like to fly but don't need to jump out of an airplane.
21. Abhors clutter. This is a Big NO. I wish it bothered me more but I can tolerate clutter as long as I know where everything is.
22. Loves to daydream. Favorite pass time other than reading.
23. Finds rules and routines imprisoning. I like rules. Not stupid rules and I decide what is stupid or not.
24. Prone to carry weight without overeating. Well I hope this is why but I believe I eat more calories than I work off and that is why I am heavy.
25. Excellent listener. I would be a good counselor but the problem is that I would then worry for the people I counseled. So maybe not so good at it after all.
26. Intolerant of narcosis. Used to work for one. Now I don't. I could list all the reasons but they already know because they know everything.
27. Feels the days of the week. This was confusing at first but it is like being excited about Friday even if you have to work all weekend. I do this sometimes. Or dread Monday even though I don't have to work.
28. Will not choose to by vintage or antique things. This is in regards to the energy the item carries. I feel when buying something that is old or used I sometimes wonder about the woman who owned an old cookbook or a person that previously read the book I am reading. So no but maybe I wouldn't buy something that I felt a negative energy about but I don't think that has ever happened.
29. Senses the energy of food. This is the sensing of the energy from the animal that you are eating. I cannot think about this because I could not eat it if I thought about it.
30. Can be shy, aloof or moody. Sometimes to the negative. I have said that my happiness pendulum often swings to sad more than most. I can be withdrawn when I worry. It is hard to be happy and worrying at the same time. When I am up and on my A game. I am a fun loving person. But when I am not, I am not.
Ok. So I have counted and I am feel that 19 of the signs do apply in some way to me. The article says that if at least half apply to my that I am an empath. So I am still interested in this theory I can not base my future on one article. The things I believe apply to me apply and the things that don't don't. I don't think most put this much time and consideration into most internet survey's but again. That would not be me.
Giving credit where it is due. I got my list from the following website. http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
My Christmas Special
So it is almost Christmas Eve. It is 11:26pm on the 23rd. I am home alone because as any of you know that have ever worked retail Brian is working until midnight for those that need Scotch tape or just some Scotch. Only kidding. Walgreens doesn't sell liquor anymore but you get the idea. So here I am alone. Watched Kelly Clarkson's Christmas special from last year. As soon as I saw Robin Williams it made me remember he is gone. As I said in my post earlier this week I am overwhelmed by the Holidays. Everything seems to be an emotional roller coaster for me. Work, home, in the car. Everything seems to make me want to cry. And as I have said before not all are tears of sadness but tears none the less. This time of year has always been hard for me. When I was younger I would say I didn't like Christmas but that isn't true I just don't like the feelings that come with Christmas.
Christmas has always been a time of change in my life. I moved out on Christmas in 1991. The same year my grandmother died. And her funeral was on Christmas Eve. Can't really say I moved out that day. I just stopped going home. Well a year later on Christmas my roommate and I moved into a house on the beach that my other grandmother owned. And just to follow the pattern in 2003 Brian and I bought our house we live in today and closed the day after Christmas. Now moving has nothing to do with me liking or disliking or feeling sad around the holidays.
I remember that Christmas in 1991. My friend that I moved in with well I don't know if I can express all the feelings I have about him in one post but we ran the gamut. Love, Hate and everywhere in between. He took me to a Broadway Musical Christmas Show at Ruth Eckerd Hall. It was incredible. I loved the music, the singing the orchestra. I love real music, played by real musicians and songs sung by real singers. Anyway...
My Grandmother my Dad's mom and she passed away just days before Christmas. She was getting ready to go to work at the fish market. Crocheting in her rocking chair that is right behind me tonight. Grandma was Christmas. I can see her in her white coat ushering at church with her Christmas Tree pin that I now own. My prize possession one of my cousins passed on to me after her mom had passed it to her. Grandma had a tree decorated the same every year. Simple, elegant and beautiful. She had these small angel carolers under the tree. I wish I had just one. Makes me sad even now all these years later. She also always made cheese danishes and poppy seed roll and nut rolls and God only knows what else. I have made the cheese danishes and the nut rolls from scratch just like she did. Someday I will pass on these to someone.
This was not the topic I was going to write about tonight. I wanted to talk about family. And how important it is. And how you never know when you or someone you love are the one who will not be here for next year's Christmas Special. Which I guess I have always gotten and tried to share with my brother and sisters. There is no guarentee in life and being together now is all we have for sure. When my mom's mom lived with my mom I would remind my sisters that she would not be around forever and she lived to be 93 there was no reason to cry. We had our whole lives with her until we were all 40 or more. Grandma has been gone for 2 years and my mom's brother that lives 2 doors down from her never stops or calls. 2 doors down. I don't get it. My mom never did anything. The first year at Christmas I thought well he just doesn't want to give us money like Grandma and him used to. I don't care about the money. Then last year after my mom had her stroke I thought surely he would stop by. Now my mom can not walk as far as his house and I know the phone works both ways so it is not all one sided. But what is up. Why do people not realize when it comes down to it that family is what you have and even though you can't pick your parents or siblings I wouldn't trade the one's I have. It just brings me back to 1991 and Grandma Helen just wanted all of her kids and grandkids together for Christmas but everyone is busy. Well guess what a $600 plane ticket to get my sister home and there is a picture on Grandma's front porch on Christmas Eve of the family all but me who was working. I was at the funeral but went back to work afterwards. Retail I tell you. That would be my Grandmother's 4 living children, spouses and 16 of the 17 grand children. Did they all wish they had that one more Christmas with Grandma? Sure but a day late and a dollar short.
So in this day of everyone is so busy why am I the only one that remembers? One sister called tonight to ask why we are having Christmas late at mom's and why everything can't be the way the rest want it. And one has to work on Friday. I am sure that we aren't going to be that late and well this is not up for negotiation. The point of Christmas at mom's is it is last. You don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do so we can enjoy each other and open presents and eat together. Isn't that a song? No it is from a tape I listen to to settle my brain at night when my brain won't stop.
Now for those of you that have not experienced Christmas at my mom's there was always and excess. Excess of food, presents and family. There was always someone that had no where else to go that could not believe a living room so full of family and presents. I remember the year my oldest niece was about 4. She was so excited. She ripped through the presents that she got like crazy and then she went to each adult and asked if she could open their presents. And ripped the paper and had it strewn everywhere. Gifts would be lost in the paper. Money evelopes would be lost and have to be found before the gift wrap would all be thrown out. That is the Christmas I like to remember. Even in the lean years. And there were some pretty lean years. My mom always wanted us to have presents. Something to open. Some special food. I don't know if it is because I am the oldest or if it is because I can not let go of some of these memories but doesn't anyone else remeber how hard she worked for us.
Well it is now Christmas Eve and I have listened to the complete Christmas album while writing and I just remembered one of the things about family I wanted to say back when I wrote that I wouldn't trade my brother or sisters. When we were kids it was one for all and all for one. I am not sure why and I am not saying that my sisters didn't wear my clothes and yes I got mad but I remember so many other times that we did everything together. We would play school, we would go exploring on the beach. We would walk for over a mile to get to the north end of the beach past the houses and look for shells and fish and crabs and whatever else we could find that we had never seen before. Now I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but there are 5 of us. I am the oldest, then my brother, then I have 3 more sisters. There is a 7 year age difference between me and my youngest sister. So we are all close in age. 13 months, 14 months, 13 months and 2 years apart.. Get it we are close. I know I have told the story of us deciding that we are going to swim from the dock across the street from our house to Island Estates. This was a story my uncle had said that he had swam with his friends from the north end to Caledisi Island. So we took it as well if he can I know we can. Oh another great group decision. It was crazy but we had my youngest sister on a raft because we knew she couln't make the trip but we were all going. I didn't realize it was crazy til we were over half way and saw a boat coming and realized how small our heads were and how it may not have been our brightest moment. Another day we were home alone one afternoon and a magazine salesman came to the house. We invited him in. Now we had no money and not really sure what the guy thought but we talked to this guy for quite a while before he left realizing we were not buying what he was selling. There were other decisions we made as a group. Some for good and some not so much. So I wonder where that feeling of all for one and one for all has gone. This last year since mom had her stroke she has not driven. I have been taking her to the grocery and where ever else she needs to go one one of my days off. Now with there being 5 of us that all live within 10 miles of her that we could share some of the responsibilities. And I am not saying never but really. Should I feel like my life is worth less than theirs. My house needs to be cleaned and I don't want to do it. I know it is not always easy and I don't always do it with a smile but I do it. And no I am not trying to be the marter. I just know what is right. And what is right is my mom needs help and company and if it means my house is a mess forever then so be it.
Now it is time to wrap things up. Get it wrap things up. Well both literally and figuretivly I want to be happy for Christmas and enjoy as much as I can and hold back the tears until I am home.
I do not care what I receive as a Christmas gift. I want the people I give a gift to to love the gift I give. I want to go to church, to sing Christmas carols to maybe watch midnight mass from the Vatican on tv and wrap presents. Cry when I hear Silent Night and enjoy my 3 days off in a row.
I know you all are thinking isn't there anything that makes this girl smile. Yes. All these things at one time made me smile. Just remember we don't know if all the people on this year's Christmas special will be on next year. So enjoy them while they are here.
Christmas Eve 1:16AM Merry Christmas
Christmas has always been a time of change in my life. I moved out on Christmas in 1991. The same year my grandmother died. And her funeral was on Christmas Eve. Can't really say I moved out that day. I just stopped going home. Well a year later on Christmas my roommate and I moved into a house on the beach that my other grandmother owned. And just to follow the pattern in 2003 Brian and I bought our house we live in today and closed the day after Christmas. Now moving has nothing to do with me liking or disliking or feeling sad around the holidays.
I remember that Christmas in 1991. My friend that I moved in with well I don't know if I can express all the feelings I have about him in one post but we ran the gamut. Love, Hate and everywhere in between. He took me to a Broadway Musical Christmas Show at Ruth Eckerd Hall. It was incredible. I loved the music, the singing the orchestra. I love real music, played by real musicians and songs sung by real singers. Anyway...
My Grandmother my Dad's mom and she passed away just days before Christmas. She was getting ready to go to work at the fish market. Crocheting in her rocking chair that is right behind me tonight. Grandma was Christmas. I can see her in her white coat ushering at church with her Christmas Tree pin that I now own. My prize possession one of my cousins passed on to me after her mom had passed it to her. Grandma had a tree decorated the same every year. Simple, elegant and beautiful. She had these small angel carolers under the tree. I wish I had just one. Makes me sad even now all these years later. She also always made cheese danishes and poppy seed roll and nut rolls and God only knows what else. I have made the cheese danishes and the nut rolls from scratch just like she did. Someday I will pass on these to someone.
This was not the topic I was going to write about tonight. I wanted to talk about family. And how important it is. And how you never know when you or someone you love are the one who will not be here for next year's Christmas Special. Which I guess I have always gotten and tried to share with my brother and sisters. There is no guarentee in life and being together now is all we have for sure. When my mom's mom lived with my mom I would remind my sisters that she would not be around forever and she lived to be 93 there was no reason to cry. We had our whole lives with her until we were all 40 or more. Grandma has been gone for 2 years and my mom's brother that lives 2 doors down from her never stops or calls. 2 doors down. I don't get it. My mom never did anything. The first year at Christmas I thought well he just doesn't want to give us money like Grandma and him used to. I don't care about the money. Then last year after my mom had her stroke I thought surely he would stop by. Now my mom can not walk as far as his house and I know the phone works both ways so it is not all one sided. But what is up. Why do people not realize when it comes down to it that family is what you have and even though you can't pick your parents or siblings I wouldn't trade the one's I have. It just brings me back to 1991 and Grandma Helen just wanted all of her kids and grandkids together for Christmas but everyone is busy. Well guess what a $600 plane ticket to get my sister home and there is a picture on Grandma's front porch on Christmas Eve of the family all but me who was working. I was at the funeral but went back to work afterwards. Retail I tell you. That would be my Grandmother's 4 living children, spouses and 16 of the 17 grand children. Did they all wish they had that one more Christmas with Grandma? Sure but a day late and a dollar short.
So in this day of everyone is so busy why am I the only one that remembers? One sister called tonight to ask why we are having Christmas late at mom's and why everything can't be the way the rest want it. And one has to work on Friday. I am sure that we aren't going to be that late and well this is not up for negotiation. The point of Christmas at mom's is it is last. You don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do so we can enjoy each other and open presents and eat together. Isn't that a song? No it is from a tape I listen to to settle my brain at night when my brain won't stop.
Now for those of you that have not experienced Christmas at my mom's there was always and excess. Excess of food, presents and family. There was always someone that had no where else to go that could not believe a living room so full of family and presents. I remember the year my oldest niece was about 4. She was so excited. She ripped through the presents that she got like crazy and then she went to each adult and asked if she could open their presents. And ripped the paper and had it strewn everywhere. Gifts would be lost in the paper. Money evelopes would be lost and have to be found before the gift wrap would all be thrown out. That is the Christmas I like to remember. Even in the lean years. And there were some pretty lean years. My mom always wanted us to have presents. Something to open. Some special food. I don't know if it is because I am the oldest or if it is because I can not let go of some of these memories but doesn't anyone else remeber how hard she worked for us.
Well it is now Christmas Eve and I have listened to the complete Christmas album while writing and I just remembered one of the things about family I wanted to say back when I wrote that I wouldn't trade my brother or sisters. When we were kids it was one for all and all for one. I am not sure why and I am not saying that my sisters didn't wear my clothes and yes I got mad but I remember so many other times that we did everything together. We would play school, we would go exploring on the beach. We would walk for over a mile to get to the north end of the beach past the houses and look for shells and fish and crabs and whatever else we could find that we had never seen before. Now I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but there are 5 of us. I am the oldest, then my brother, then I have 3 more sisters. There is a 7 year age difference between me and my youngest sister. So we are all close in age. 13 months, 14 months, 13 months and 2 years apart.. Get it we are close. I know I have told the story of us deciding that we are going to swim from the dock across the street from our house to Island Estates. This was a story my uncle had said that he had swam with his friends from the north end to Caledisi Island. So we took it as well if he can I know we can. Oh another great group decision. It was crazy but we had my youngest sister on a raft because we knew she couln't make the trip but we were all going. I didn't realize it was crazy til we were over half way and saw a boat coming and realized how small our heads were and how it may not have been our brightest moment. Another day we were home alone one afternoon and a magazine salesman came to the house. We invited him in. Now we had no money and not really sure what the guy thought but we talked to this guy for quite a while before he left realizing we were not buying what he was selling. There were other decisions we made as a group. Some for good and some not so much. So I wonder where that feeling of all for one and one for all has gone. This last year since mom had her stroke she has not driven. I have been taking her to the grocery and where ever else she needs to go one one of my days off. Now with there being 5 of us that all live within 10 miles of her that we could share some of the responsibilities. And I am not saying never but really. Should I feel like my life is worth less than theirs. My house needs to be cleaned and I don't want to do it. I know it is not always easy and I don't always do it with a smile but I do it. And no I am not trying to be the marter. I just know what is right. And what is right is my mom needs help and company and if it means my house is a mess forever then so be it.
Now it is time to wrap things up. Get it wrap things up. Well both literally and figuretivly I want to be happy for Christmas and enjoy as much as I can and hold back the tears until I am home.
I do not care what I receive as a Christmas gift. I want the people I give a gift to to love the gift I give. I want to go to church, to sing Christmas carols to maybe watch midnight mass from the Vatican on tv and wrap presents. Cry when I hear Silent Night and enjoy my 3 days off in a row.
I know you all are thinking isn't there anything that makes this girl smile. Yes. All these things at one time made me smile. Just remember we don't know if all the people on this year's Christmas special will be on next year. So enjoy them while they are here.
Christmas Eve 1:16AM Merry Christmas
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