I am ok

I find it sometimes funny how life is going along and then I am smacked in the face (figuratively of course). But in that moment I go from cruising along to worrisome mode. Now for people that don't see me everyday they may be concerned that this is my usual state. It is just as fast that my way will be found out of the funk and back to smooth sailing. I just don't know when the moment is coming and I sure don't know where it ends. That would make life simpler if I could say well if I get through Tuesday I will be good. I couldn't do that with my period I guess I shouldn't be able to do it with anything else either. Funny 20 years ago I wouldn't have shared that but it doesn't matter. I feel like today whatever I can share of my life that makes someone else look at theirs and say I got this. It is all worth it. It won't make my life easier not sharing and it doesn't make anyone else's life easier really just a little hope that we can do this.  Well these things that cause the worry and sadness are just everyday things that happen in life. They just kinda roll up together and all of a sudden I was fine and now I am not.

I still think the same positive thoughts they just sometimes lose out to the little guy on my shoulder going are you kidding Jeanne. It ain't turning out your way. Look at this way. Some sort of surprise or grief or loss of some sort starts this ball and it truly can be anything just as it could be anything that rights this boat and gets it back on course.

An example: Last year Brian and I were flying to North Carolina for his mother's birthday. The whole day I was just think it is going to be ok Jeanne. But it didn't matter as much as I thought it there was some other part of my brain that was going no it isn't. So the weather was terrible and the sky as we got closer to Asheville was really dark and we circled and circled and in a split second the pilot floored it and we were not landing. My entire body sighed in relief as we flew away from there. Next thing we here the pilot say we have been diverted and are heading to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I was like cool. Never been. I am pretty sure I was the only person on the plane not upset that we didn't land as we should. Now this diversion cost us about 3 hours and they gave us a drink and gassed up the plane and when the weather cleared we were back to Asheville. We got to Brian's parent's house just before 9pm and I was happy as a clam. It was the first time I had ever noticed the switch from worrying and ok so quick. I am sure some shrink has a technical term for what happened. A chemical shift in my brain but it was that quick and the not worrying stuck for quite a while.

Just a weird thing that happens that I feel like I am the only one in the world it happens to or maybe just the only one that notices it happening.

So as they say this to shall pass. Hopefully soon. I just start doing all the things that help me to feel better and one day I will not be worrying so much soon. Until then I just remind myself that I am ok.