So it is almost Christmas Eve. It is 11:26pm on the 23rd. I am home alone because as any of you know that have ever worked retail Brian is working until midnight for those that need Scotch tape or just some Scotch. Only kidding. Walgreens doesn't sell liquor anymore but you get the idea. So here I am alone. Watched Kelly Clarkson's Christmas special from last year. As soon as I saw Robin Williams it made me remember he is gone. As I said in my post earlier this week I am overwhelmed by the Holidays. Everything seems to be an emotional roller coaster for me. Work, home, in the car. Everything seems to make me want to cry. And as I have said before not all are tears of sadness but tears none the less. This time of year has always been hard for me. When I was younger I would say I didn't like Christmas but that isn't true I just don't like the feelings that come with Christmas.
Christmas has always been a time of change in my life. I moved out on Christmas in 1991. The same year my grandmother died. And her funeral was on Christmas Eve. Can't really say I moved out that day. I just stopped going home. Well a year later on Christmas my roommate and I moved into a house on the beach that my other grandmother owned. And just to follow the pattern in 2003 Brian and I bought our house we live in today and closed the day after Christmas. Now moving has nothing to do with me liking or disliking or feeling sad around the holidays.
I remember that Christmas in 1991. My friend that I moved in with well I don't know if I can express all the feelings I have about him in one post but we ran the gamut. Love, Hate and everywhere in between. He took me to a Broadway Musical Christmas Show at Ruth Eckerd Hall. It was incredible. I loved the music, the singing the orchestra. I love real music, played by real musicians and songs sung by real singers. Anyway...
My Grandmother my Dad's mom and she passed away just days before Christmas. She was getting ready to go to work at the fish market. Crocheting in her rocking chair that is right behind me tonight. Grandma was Christmas. I can see her in her white coat ushering at church with her Christmas Tree pin that I now own. My prize possession one of my cousins passed on to me after her mom had passed it to her. Grandma had a tree decorated the same every year. Simple, elegant and beautiful. She had these small angel carolers under the tree. I wish I had just one. Makes me sad even now all these years later. She also always made cheese danishes and poppy seed roll and nut rolls and God only knows what else. I have made the cheese danishes and the nut rolls from scratch just like she did. Someday I will pass on these to someone.
This was not the topic I was going to write about tonight. I wanted to talk about family. And how important it is. And how you never know when you or someone you love are the one who will not be here for next year's Christmas Special. Which I guess I have always gotten and tried to share with my brother and sisters. There is no guarentee in life and being together now is all we have for sure. When my mom's mom lived with my mom I would remind my sisters that she would not be around forever and she lived to be 93 there was no reason to cry. We had our whole lives with her until we were all 40 or more. Grandma has been gone for 2 years and my mom's brother that lives 2 doors down from her never stops or calls. 2 doors down. I don't get it. My mom never did anything. The first year at Christmas I thought well he just doesn't want to give us money like Grandma and him used to. I don't care about the money. Then last year after my mom had her stroke I thought surely he would stop by. Now my mom can not walk as far as his house and I know the phone works both ways so it is not all one sided. But what is up. Why do people not realize when it comes down to it that family is what you have and even though you can't pick your parents or siblings I wouldn't trade the one's I have. It just brings me back to 1991 and Grandma Helen just wanted all of her kids and grandkids together for Christmas but everyone is busy. Well guess what a $600 plane ticket to get my sister home and there is a picture on Grandma's front porch on Christmas Eve of the family all but me who was working. I was at the funeral but went back to work afterwards. Retail I tell you. That would be my Grandmother's 4 living children, spouses and 16 of the 17 grand children. Did they all wish they had that one more Christmas with Grandma? Sure but a day late and a dollar short.
So in this day of everyone is so busy why am I the only one that remembers? One sister called tonight to ask why we are having Christmas late at mom's and why everything can't be the way the rest want it. And one has to work on Friday. I am sure that we aren't going to be that late and well this is not up for negotiation. The point of Christmas at mom's is it is last. You don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do so we can enjoy each other and open presents and eat together. Isn't that a song? No it is from a tape I listen to to settle my brain at night when my brain won't stop.
Now for those of you that have not experienced Christmas at my mom's there was always and excess. Excess of food, presents and family. There was always someone that had no where else to go that could not believe a living room so full of family and presents. I remember the year my oldest niece was about 4. She was so excited. She ripped through the presents that she got like crazy and then she went to each adult and asked if she could open their presents. And ripped the paper and had it strewn everywhere. Gifts would be lost in the paper. Money evelopes would be lost and have to be found before the gift wrap would all be thrown out. That is the Christmas I like to remember. Even in the lean years. And there were some pretty lean years. My mom always wanted us to have presents. Something to open. Some special food. I don't know if it is because I am the oldest or if it is because I can not let go of some of these memories but doesn't anyone else remeber how hard she worked for us.
Well it is now Christmas Eve and I have listened to the complete Christmas album while writing and I just remembered one of the things about family I wanted to say back when I wrote that I wouldn't trade my brother or sisters. When we were kids it was one for all and all for one. I am not sure why and I am not saying that my sisters didn't wear my clothes and yes I got mad but I remember so many other times that we did everything together. We would play school, we would go exploring on the beach. We would walk for over a mile to get to the north end of the beach past the houses and look for shells and fish and crabs and whatever else we could find that we had never seen before. Now I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but there are 5 of us. I am the oldest, then my brother, then I have 3 more sisters. There is a 7 year age difference between me and my youngest sister. So we are all close in age. 13 months, 14 months, 13 months and 2 years apart.. Get it we are close. I know I have told the story of us deciding that we are going to swim from the dock across the street from our house to Island Estates. This was a story my uncle had said that he had swam with his friends from the north end to Caledisi Island. So we took it as well if he can I know we can. Oh another great group decision. It was crazy but we had my youngest sister on a raft because we knew she couln't make the trip but we were all going. I didn't realize it was crazy til we were over half way and saw a boat coming and realized how small our heads were and how it may not have been our brightest moment. Another day we were home alone one afternoon and a magazine salesman came to the house. We invited him in. Now we had no money and not really sure what the guy thought but we talked to this guy for quite a while before he left realizing we were not buying what he was selling. There were other decisions we made as a group. Some for good and some not so much. So I wonder where that feeling of all for one and one for all has gone. This last year since mom had her stroke she has not driven. I have been taking her to the grocery and where ever else she needs to go one one of my days off. Now with there being 5 of us that all live within 10 miles of her that we could share some of the responsibilities. And I am not saying never but really. Should I feel like my life is worth less than theirs. My house needs to be cleaned and I don't want to do it. I know it is not always easy and I don't always do it with a smile but I do it. And no I am not trying to be the marter. I just know what is right. And what is right is my mom needs help and company and if it means my house is a mess forever then so be it.
Now it is time to wrap things up. Get it wrap things up. Well both literally and figuretivly I want to be happy for Christmas and enjoy as much as I can and hold back the tears until I am home.
I do not care what I receive as a Christmas gift. I want the people I give a gift to to love the gift I give. I want to go to church, to sing Christmas carols to maybe watch midnight mass from the Vatican on tv and wrap presents. Cry when I hear Silent Night and enjoy my 3 days off in a row.
I know you all are thinking isn't there anything that makes this girl smile. Yes. All these things at one time made me smile. Just remember we don't know if all the people on this year's Christmas special will be on next year. So enjoy them while they are here.
Christmas Eve 1:16AM Merry Christmas
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