Hard Candy Shell and Soft Sweet Interior

Almost always before I write a new post I read an old one. Sometimes I look down the list of titles and go to a similar emotion or situation and see where I went the time before and try to figure out where I am going today. Well it is early in the morning for me 7:30 and the birds have been singing since I don't know when. I have been awake for more than an hour and I didn't fall asleep until after 3. So I am still tired but my head does not always want to stop thinking for the sake of sleep. So I figured get up play a game of solitaire and write and maybe then I can take a nap. Hopefully.

Well the post I read today was about Radar. I wrote it back in September. Surprisingly enough he is still hanging on. Not doing as well as back in September which I thought was rough but he is doing worse. My brother however has been amazing with him. My brother Al does not have much patience for anything. He likes things the way he likes them and that is that. I said back in September how we were alike in a lot of ways but patience is not a word that I would have used to describe him until now. The way I thought of him last night was like an M&M hard candy shell that is soft and sweet on the inside. Most if not all that know Al would say that everyone is familiar with his hard candy shell. He does not remove it often to show the soft sweet inside. But Radar (his dog) does not see anything else. As far as he is concerned the sun rises and sets by Al. And Al thinks the same of that silly dog.

When I thought last night that if Al was a candy it would be an M&M, I thought well what would I be and I thought a Sour Patch Kid. Sweet exterior  but a little hard to bite into. As you can see the flavors are totally different but you still have to take a bite to get either one of us completely.  I know it is totally against our family's way but I am so proud of my brother and wish that everyone that knew him realized what a great guy he is. It is really hard to get past the shell but the inside is so sweet. Now Al does not have a computer so unless I print this out and take it to him he will not read it which maybe someday I will but not today. Most likely my sisters will not read it either. Each of us in our own way is just like the other. As Brian likes to say about the 5 of us we are like some kind of cloning project gone bad. You can just tell when you meet one of us that you know all of us. So for the soft sweet center of all of us I shed tears this morning again for Radar and my brother. I know it is ridiculous to mourn before someone is gone but maybe it makes me appreciate the time I have left to share with the ones I love.

Now I told you back in September how Al walks Radar religiously 4 times a day. Well Radar can not walk around the park anymore and he doesn't go in the house anymore because it is too hard for him to climb the steps and well lately Al pretty much carries him where he is going because his legs are just too wobbly. But those eyes of that silly dog are so full of love and admiration for my brother. His head perks up as soon as he hears the sound of Al's car pulling in the driveway and that silly wiggle butt of his starts going and does not stop until he can see Al's face. They still have their afternoon ritual of going in the pool. Al now lays a rug out for Radar to put his head on when he gets out of the pool and sets his food and water in front of him and Al visits with our mom and they dry off. Radar eats and drinks before they head inside for an evening of television.

As I also said back in September I mourn first and ask questions later. And I have tried to remind my brother that I know it is hard to take care of Radar as he has but Al is amazing with that stinking dog. Things that he would not tolerate from me or our mom he takes from the dog. Doesn't matter accident on the floor no big deal. Clean it up. Spills the water. No big deal get a bowl that is easier for Radar to drink from and clean it up. As it got harder for Radar's legs to hold him up Al got him vitamins for his joints and whatever else he needed.

I only share this today not to say that Al is a saint. He is not but to say that all of us even Al who mostly only shows that hard candy shell has a inside that very few get to see. Like Al I feel like the barrier I put up between me and others is not for your sake but mine. I must guard myself against those that would expose the softer inside and take advantage of it. I think Al is a lot like that. He has a heart as big as the world and most would never know. Most would not take the time to get past that hard exterior. You can chip away for years and until you see him taking care of Radar or my favorite picture of Uncle Al is him holding one of our nieces when she was maybe a few months old and the other about 5 or 6 leaning hard against him smiling as big as the world. Al even has a little grin that probably had to be coaxed out of him. Again just a few seconds exposure that anyone looking would know he loves those kids.

I find it funny how my brain works. I have been thinking half the night about comparing my brother to an M&M and still can not think of a title for this post or a moral of this story. Maybe it is just that things are not always what they appear and what is hard for one person is easy for another it is only because that person's life has been spent getting to this moment and yours has not. Life is funny that way. When something happens you think you cannot handle or get through you do. Maybe it is part of the bigger plan and what you are getting through today is going to bring you to a bigger challenge that you can face being braver than you ever thought you could tomorrow. Either way a few words I do not say enough I am very proud of my brother and have an unbelievable respect for him. And whatever today brings he can face head on and is a better person for these last few months one humble dog has brought the best out in him and the rest of us.

You just can't help but love that bad dog. Love you Radar.