Memories

Since so much of what I share is from memory. I thought  I would explain how mine works.

I remember a lot. At times everything. I have found this a curse more than a blessing. I have said it before when you remember everything you can never forget. Which sometimes means you don't forgive. I have gotten better at the second part as I have gotten older. I have learned it doesn't pay to be mad at someone forever. Funny thing is usually the person I am mad at forever doesn't even remember what made me mad in the first place.

My earliest memory is me standing on my parents bed being dressed. I was between 1 and 2 years old.      

I was getting dressed for church. Some would argue there must be a picture and you built a memory around it but there is no picture from that day. I do not remember every detail just 2 main parts. Getting dressed on the end of the bed in a pink and yellow dress with a wide white collar. Then I remember being at Clearwater High School walking holding my dad's hand in front of the Auditorium and in front of the X wing past the cafeteria and the classrooms. I did not know until I was in 8th grade where that memory was from for sure. My parents had told me that we did go to church in the high school auditorium until the church was completed in 1970 which I would have been 3.  I went to the church website to find out the dates and found the above picture. So somewhere in here is probably the back of my parents heads.

In 8th grade I attended with my mom the open house for 8th graders going into high school. As we walked in the auditorium. I remembered the place. The steps. Going up and down the steps with my dad. If we were not quiet in church one of our parents would take us outside. I remember that with my brother and sisters. But I only remember me and my dad this particular day. Walking along the X wing as they called it when I was in high school. There is a place that there are about 3 steps down and a ramp. I was walking on the ramp and my dad the steps. That is it. My first memory. 40+ years later still have it with me.

As I got older I found the way I remember things is by thinking about them. I was 23 the first time I remember my mind at work. It was Dec. 24, 1991 the day of my Grandma Helen's funeral. I worked for Eckerd. I left the store went to the Mass. What happened at the end I will not share. But the events are still clear in my mind. I was standing in the front pew with my dad on my right and my sister Billie to his right. Next thing I know I was about 12 rows back with my cousins. It was all like a movie. That afternoon I went back to work. Tried to make sense of what happened. No dice. Called my sisters and said, Do you keep seeing it happen over and over? They all said yes. So I figured out that when you see something crazy and your brain does not know what to do with it some people lock it in a file cabinet and others like me we review the footage over and over and over. Trying to make sense of what happened. But when I have memories I can not make sense of they are permanently en grained forever. Like a movie you've seen a million times and you know every word. Just these I always know the cast.

The worst is it is not just the visual memories but I also have audio. If I have heard something and for whatever reason I decide that this is thought provoking the words will stay with me. Arguments, News stories and even the crazy stuff the people that sat behind us Friday at Las Mariachis said. I will not share with you their discussion but I will share how witty my husband is. When these 3 people left the restaurant Brian was outside on his phone and the female stopped and picked up a partially smoked cigarette out of the ashtray and looked at Brian and said, It is not as disgusting as it looks, this is mine. Brian replied, That is not nearly as disgusting as your table conversation. See why I married him.

So now another 20 years later and here I am with memories of a another place and time. Pictures that don't go away. Some of that week has faded but it has only been a few months and some moments are forever etched in my brain. The footage has been edited and is now fairly brief but forever there. It starts as a still photograph. Then the editor zooms in. I am right there. In the middle of it. I am so sorry for anyone else that has these kind memories. The ones that make you cry as soon as it starts and you can not make it go away.

I am left here to wonder why? Why me? Is there a point to me remembering. So, at this point in life I have decided to share my memories and stories with others. Others that will only remember some small amount of this but maybe pass on that little bit. As I have said before. You don't want to know all the gritty details of things I have to remember. See, I said it, I have to remember. I didn't even realize that I wrote it. But there it is in black and white. My fingers know the words before my head yet they speak the truth.

So this Saturday night I sit alone in the quiet with my memories. I give you this glimmer of hope. Even my memories fade. Not in a week or month or even 20 years but they do fade.