The Home Version

Today I am writing the home version of Before the hot water runs out. One of my favorite posts ever about how my brain never shuts down and the crazy places it can go in the time it takes me to take a shower.
Tomorrow was to be the day that my brother closed on mom's house but as things go it happened a few days early. And I didn't know until it was over that it was done. I was sad. Felt like that last trip down to the house by myself to clean the pool was ripped away. I know no one cries over not getting to clean the pool. I have been doing it for about 20 years. But I have added checking the mail and taking out the trash or pulling back the trash cans in the last 5 months since the house has been empty and for the most part the others had stopped going. Last week I had picked up the chlorine jugs to return to the pool supply store and didn't do it basically because it was too sad of a thing to do. So this week I thought it was crazy to be sad over such a thing and returned the jugs and cried. Yes, I cried while returning the chlorine jugs to the pool supply store. Through the years of me taking mom and grandma out on their Friday outings to when it was just me and mom and for this last year it has been me by myself. The guy was very nice as he has always been. He said, "it has been a pleasure to serve you and your family all these years and if you ever have a pool..."

So as I showered today I was thinking: Well, I don't think we could have a pool because of the way our back yard is. It would cost a fortune, there is no access except the gate we walk through and there is a huge oak tree that would hang over the pool if it survived the pool being built. But as long as we have lived in this house I have wished to buy the house next door and tear it down and build an addition to our house it would like our house have big windows and bright rooms and clay tile floors and yes out back have a pool. The house has even been foreclosed on in the time we have lived here but it was not a time that we could have bought it.

While I was thinking all these thoughts and a quote from the end of a movie came to mind. I knew it was one of my favorite movies. My first guess was wrong but after I thought again I knew it was from Hope Floats: Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but it is what's in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

And today I find myself again at a new beginning and at the same time at an end of a very long run so yes, I am sad. My youngest sister went down to the house for the one last visit and took some pictures which we have all the way. Pictures of how it was and how it is. I wanted one last family picture but it wasn't meant to be. Maybe not as sad as I thought I would be. Which may be a good thing. My heart has accepted what I knew had to come. I always think of a quote from American Pickers, " I just want to buy the piece, not your memories." Because the value you put on something you find to be sentimental is way more than the value of the object. Somethings are never going to be for sale and others will with time be able to be parted with. I have learned through this process that sometimes the person buying the object wants the memories as well but just to know them not to take them and appreciates the love you have for the person that owned the object before them.

The last thing I wanted to do was leave a note for the people buying the house. Again my sister said, she did leave a note stuck to the refrigerator. Just something short saying a really great family lived here and hope you enjoy the house as much as they did.

So here is my letter to the family that now owns the house that I called home for most of my life and then I referred to it as mom's house. I will miss that house but I will always have the memories.

Dear Family,

I hope you have a big family enough to fill all the bedrooms of this house with love and laughter. They don't have to be young children but if they are make sure they get outside and play. There are so many things to see and learn on this beach. They may have to look a little harder with all the condo's and hotels and beach umbrellas but they are still there. The sand and the shells are full of live creatures that are begging to be found. The water at the beach is best in the early morning or in the evening before the sun sets. Usually pretty calm at those times and not as many people out. When the water is calm and the tide is low you can get out to the sand bar and find sand dollars and see other things along the bottom. Maybe even some fish. Be sure to shuffle your feet there are sting rays out there and no one wants a day at the beach spoiled by that. Whatever you do find if it is still alive let it live unless you plan on eating it. The shells are pretty but there are plenty that aren't housing live creatures that you can take home.
We always had a small sail boat another must have on the beach. Once you have explored everything within walking distance you can go further north past the end of the houses and there is lots more to find. A lot less people. The small islands in the bay are called spoils created by the water moving the sand around. Be careful of the weather in the summer a storm can come up out of no where and it will probably pass just as fast but you need to be prepared.
As for at home. The pool has been a great addition even though we never had that luxury as a kid we had to cut the grass where all that concrete lays now. We also had a garden back there. Back under the tree. Mom loved that Spanish Laurel Tree. It drops berries that smell as they ferment but the birds love them so they will take care of most. Don't let them lie at the bottom of the pool. It will stain it. If you get back under that tree and clean out all the over growth don't dig to deep. That was our pet cemetery it was used for the rabbits and birds we had as kids and for some of the cats I had as an adult. They were all great animals and were placed there with love and some even with pictures.
Inside, mom always had a chair in the kitchen so whomever was over could sit with her while she cooked or as she got older so she could sit with whomever was cooking for her. It was always nice hanging out in there. The dining room leads right into the living room to the fire place so you can easily seat 25 or so people for a big family meal if you have enough folding tables and chairs. Mom always kept the folding tables and chairs in the front closet so they were easy to get to.  You never knew when there would be extra people for dinner.
Speaking of extra people. For years the house had an open door policy. Pretty much the door was always open and after we added the pool and there was no door bell on the back door you would just walk in and holler, "hey mom are you in here". If not in the house she would have been outside working in the yard pulling weeds. Be careful you may consider some of the things weeds that she considered to be plants. A weed is just a plant growing where you don't want it. But the yellow flowers that open during the day and grow wild in the yard are called Cuban Buttercups. They grow great where they want but we never had much luck with moving them. The succulent plant under the oak tree in the front yard is referred to as Al's plant. He brought home a little pot of it in maybe 4th grade and it took over out there over the years. mom liked that it was less grass to cut but then more weeds to pull. Under that front window is a row of rain lillys. Those were always mom's favorite. We even have some planted for her at the cemetery. There is also the wild periwinkles again they grow great where they want but don't if moved and the hibiscus near the front door. Mr and Mrs Lindsey planted that for mom oh so many years ago. They were the sweetest people in the world and when you see those beautiful yellow flowers remember the ones that planted it and the lady that loved it all these years.

I know the house needs a coat of paint and a little work but one thing you will never take away is all the love that was in that house. Love for a family and love for the house itself and like everything sometimes you have to let one thing go to take care of something else. So add the coat of paint and some fancy appliances and fill them with food because that house will fill itself with people to eat the food and enjoy the house and the yard and the pool and fill itself with love and laughter again.

Love, Jeanne

Is it Sediment or Sentimental?

I am up early this morning. Not as early as I usually write. The sun is up and it is a bit cool out this morning and windy. I have been thinking about everything lately and found it ironic that at this time of sorrow how I don't write. I do write in my journal at work maybe once a week and I have been trying to put together a poem that I felt should have been a one time sit down and spill it out kind of thing but it is not coming out that way. Nothing really comes that simple right now. I was thinking this morning about the fact that I don't write because I am not the only one feeling this sorrow and I don't want to discount anyone else's feelings by making mine seem important. I guess that is the empathy that I have. I don't discount anything of someone else's but I am always able to discount my own.

The first thing that came to mind this morning was the word sentiment but I thought how similar it is to the word sediment. So you cherish it or you throw it out, just one letter makes all the difference in the world.

Life is always full of challenges but these I face now are so difficult for me. I hold them inside, maybe not to let go. And I keep telling myself I need to let go. I cannot hold on to everything not even these feelings. I am thankful that depression is not figuring into this. I know some of you are thinking oh but it is Jeanne, you just don't realize it. But it isn't. Trust me. I have a life time of experience and one thing when I am heading down that hole I know it. This is different. I am motivated to do things it is just I am overwhelmed with what to do first. But yesterday Billie, Al and I made a dent. Be it a small dent. We went through mom's clothes. We started with two bags. Garbage and donate. We joked when we had filled the 5th bag of donate that since we each get one fifth of the contents of the house we each get a bag of clothes. I know that is stupid but that is how it is. If we didn't joke about it I might cry, but I didn't. When we were through we donated 6 bags of clothes and had thrown out two. I feel like we didn't even put a dent in her room but we did. I need to not discount our accomplishments no matter how small.

So next week is mom's birthday. I said we would all go to lunch at her favorite restaurant. Just the 5 of us and family. I thought about inviting more but then that becomes a big thing and I don't know... I just want it to be us and I want it to be nice. Maybe afterwards we can go to mom's and each pick a few things out of the house. This is the part that is hard for me. Not that I don't want them to take things that remind them of mom and grandma but then I picture the house with pictures missing off the wall and then it will not be the same. I know it is never going to be the same. I realize that every time I sit down in the living room and look around.

I think about the show American Pickers because when they buy something from someone they always make it like they are going to cherish the thing they purchase. They always say that they are going to pass on the story of the item and the person that owned it and if even the only person that is going to remember the story is a person that saw it on tv I guess that matters. Someone will remember. But don't they only cherish the item until it is in the truck and the camera is off and then it is going to their store and their going to sell it. Now the person that is going to buy that farm fresh find of theirs will they cherish the thing or did they buy it just because it was on tv. Does that matter?

I really wish something that was inside me would spill out onto this page and make all of this easier. Some realization that will make this all ok with me. I wonder if mom knew this part would be this hard. Then I look around my own house and want to get rid of stuff. Because it is just that. Stuff. Most of the nick knack things in my house were given to me. I am not one to buy things for myself. Mom used to love to buy anything with geese on it because I had some Louisville Stoneware that had geese that I liked and geese canisters in my kitchen. I now have geese all over my kitchen but I had only bought the Louisville Stoneware pieces. When I had cats mom would buy me any cat figurine she found. So our living room has all kinds of cats. I only have one I picked and I painted it to look like a cat we used to have. I know the reason I hold onto these things has to do with that I remember that mom bought me the cats and the geese. That a girl from work gave me a black cat angel when she left and that a guy that sat by me gave me the snoopy race car figures I have and that a funny looking figurine in a safari suit was on Brian's birthday cake one year. I can walk through every room in the house and tell you who gave me what and why or when. Then funny thing is I guess it is just stuff but stuff someone bought for me. So am I not to cherish these things? Maybe that is it. I guess I always felt if someone gave you a gift that was something you should keep because they bought it for you. I know most people don't remember where everything they owned came from or maybe they just use it until they don't need it anymore and then it can be discarded.

Maybe that is the part that bothers me most, the discarding. If I get rid of the thing that they gave me am I getting rid of the person that gave it to me to begin with. Am I discarding our relationship or the fact that I even knew the person. Or is it that I think if I get rid of the thing they gave me that I will discarding them. I know the rest of the world is just like throw the shit out Jeanne.

Today this blog is not going to be one that I get up from and feel like I have accomplished something, or come to some conclusion. It is as mismatched as the things in my house and mom's. A jumbled bunch of thoughts that don't even make sense to me. Part of me wants to delete what I have written and go back to bed. But then this time was wasted if I throw out what I just spent the last hour writing. Maybe like the time spent picking out the cats and geese for me and the time she spent saving all the things in her house. Maybe that is it. Maybe I feel like she will be forgot if we get rid of her things or her house. I know that is not true but maybe that is the moral of this whole mess. She equated the things to her worth and I equate them to her memory.

Like I said, are all these things and memories are they sediment or sentimental? The fact that I don't discard them makes them sentimental but can they be both. Can I remember that I had them and that mom enjoyed the find and I am done using them or looking at them and can get rid of them. Can I? I guess that is the question.