Today I did something I have never done before. I submitted a story I wrote for a writing competition. It had to be a story never before published so I cannot share it until after the contest is over. I first heard of the contest back in December and I wasn't sure I could write something for it. The only real restrictions other than previously unpublished is that it had to be fiction and it had to be 500 words or less. I really wasn't sure how many words 500 was. So one night while I was staying overnight with mom I thought since their is nothing on TV at 3AM and I cannot sleep I will try to write something. So I started off with a piece of mom's paper and started. I wasn't sure what I would write about but I thought I just want to write a page and count the words and see what I have. That was how this started. The problem I didn't stop after the first page. I wrote 3 and a little more. The story tells the tale of person going to the beach and how both the beach and her are the same and they change. When I read back what I had written it made me cry. It was a metaphor for life. Mine maybe or maybe mom's. I wrote most in 3rd person as though I am watching someone else's life but then when I speak of the person at my age I used the word I. To some that means nothing to me it means that no matter I how try to separate my life from my mom's by growing up and moving out and even getting married we are still one in the same or are we?
I don't think I can say much more about the story but I was successful. It was just over 500 words. So as I typed it today to submit it. I typed as I originally wrote by hand and then edited just a few words and went from 512 to 500. So the whole thing seems like it was meant to be. I submitted it and now have to wait. It would be wonderful to be recognized for my ability to write but there are millions of people out there in the world waiting to be recognized for whatever they do that they enjoy. So I will only be disappointed for a minute because I know that when I read my work and when my best friend read it, there were tears in our eyes. I read it out loud today to Brian and he said he was crying before me. The important thing to learn was I can do anything I put my mind to. I am only limited by my own fears of failure.
Winning will not bring mom back so she cannot enjoy the fruits of my labor that evening. This piece however will always remind me of those days spent caring for mom. Sometimes that meant lifting her or helping her but sometimes it was just sitting with her. Talking to her. Listening to her stories. I have realized over the last few weeks I have been preparing for this year for a long time. Bits and pieces over my life then caring for our dog Kody for the 14 years we had him. Then in 2012 dealing with Brian's sister and her daughter and grand daughter's death and a few weeks later my cat of 21 years passed away and then a month later my grandmother. All those things taught me lots of things. How to take care of a sick dog is not the same as mom but it is not totally different. In the end I had spent 24 hours a day with him trying to get him to eat anything to get better. Going to Arizona to deal with Brian and his families tremendous loss taught me to express myself in ways other than panic. I learned to take the words in my head and put them to paper or write my blog. My grandmother's funeral preparations were very similar to mom's. Maybe they weren't as different as they thought they were.
Now I am left not alone but not the same. I do have times I want to call mom. I want to ask a question even though I may not have followed her advice at least I knew where she stood on the topic. I have just such issues now and I don't know what she would do. I don't know what I want to do. Part of me says nothing. Do nothing. Let things be the way they are and then there is the part that says that may not be fair to to everyone. Some may read this years or days from now and think they know the dilemma but I doubt they do. I am always looking out for the whole. In my book 5 will always =1.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Friday, February 19, 2016
What are you saving for?
Some people save for the future, for a rainy day, for a vacation but my mom seamed to want to save everything. She saved her good clothes for a cruise. She saved pictures to share and she saved history and memories and things that might someday be valuable as though they were all things that were valuable.
It is funny though because my mother and grandmother both used good things as though they were everyday things. The living room furniture we sit on is very old wicker furniture. Original cushions and paint, if you know anything about wicker furniture you would think this stuff should be in a museum and we sit on it, sleep on it and have Christmas every year on it. Grandma never drank out of a plastic cup. She was always drinking her water or soda out of a fancy glass. She said, if you have it you might as well use it. She would however wear her good clothes everyday, just because they were nice.
But back to the saving part of my mom. She always had the spirit to save things that she thought might one day have a value. Like a bank account in her house. She saved the books we read as kids, she probably has every golden book written before 1974 and cookbooks. She saved the Fischer Price toys we played with as kids. Recently I even found the Barbie dream house folded up at the top of the closet. Really mom.
Her and Grandma liked to go to garage sales and thrift stores and they each had their things they liked to find. Grandma always liked angels and frogs and mom always liked birds and St. Francis and we joke about the shrine on the butcher's block in the living room. What you don't have a butcher's block in your living room? Well your dad probably doesn't have a cannon either. What can I say? My parents were always different.
But now mom and grandma are both gone and what my mother said we would go through and clean out is now down to myself and my siblings. My brother has cleaned up and cleaned out the kitchen but the cabinets go to the ceiling and he said, you know there is stuff in all of them. Yep. Glass doesn't get the money it used to. People don't care if they drink out of fancy glasses or ones from Target. Sorry Target but there is something to be said for crystal. Not that the stuff mom had was anything fantastic just better than the everyday glasses we drank out of. And people don't know the difference between a champagne flute and a sherry glass anymore and don't care. So they would not have a set of 8 of each plus rocks glasses and tall glasses and wine glasses and you see how many glasses one can have.
So I have told my sisters that I wanted to do some of this on my own at first. Why? I don't really know. I just know to see things thrown out that my mom held on to right now is just too much for me.
I had cleaned out stuff from her bedroom back in the summer trying to get her to use her own bed to sleep in instead of sleeping on that ancient old wicker couch but even with her room cleaned out some she did not want to sleep in there. She felt that if something happened to her back there no one would come looking for her.
Yesterday I pulled out a few boxes of things that were already boxed to get rid of and filled a couple boxes with things that have no sentimental attachment and will try to sell them at a church garage sale today. But when finished loading the car I sat and looked around and started to see my mom in the things that she saved. I know I don't have to do this now and it is probably too soon but if I don't do it someone else will want to do it for me and then I will get upset and then I will be like mom. I feel it. If someone touches the wrong thing now, I would put up a wall that my mom would. She would be ridiculous and let us get rid of nothing. But I learned as I got older if you showed her a few things that she to had no attachment to that she would start and next thing you knew she could get a room cleaned up and box up things she was ready to get rid of. It just had to be her idea.
I have found myself the last few weeks wearing good things I would never wear because, well I felt like wearing them. I know no future is guaranteed to us so I might as well wear the things I like and eat off the good dishes and drink from the fancy glasses because what am I saving them for. The future doesn't care about the past. It is a hard pill to swallow that some of the things I want to save no one else will. And I know my house can't hold all the things I want to save so that part is going to take some time and the fact that I have no children to instill the value of these items just because my mom saw a value in them.
I think it all comes back to my memory. I remember my mom telling me that the butcher's block came from the Fish Restaurant that used to be at the bottom of the hill in Maas Brother's parking lot before you went across the causeway and how it sat in our garage for years until my mom said it finally did not smell like fish anymore and she sanded and varnished it and how it will take 4 grown men to lift the top but the legs are light as a feather. Or how that wicker furniture came out of a house down the street from an estate sale. Original paint and cushions. Mom was very proud of that purchase. She cherished the pictures my grandma painted. The one in the living room on brown wrapping paper that is a chalk drawing of a fishing boat or the train or flowes she painted. She would paint ties that my great grandfather wore that had the L&N trains that he worked on. We don't have one of those but we do have a picture of him wearing one. Grandma signed the things she painted simply Jane. Don't forget the nativity scene that mom painted when we were kids. So simple but not so valuable? Well to me they are.
As they say you can't take it with you. Otherwise she would have had us pack it up for her. Just kidding. She thought by saving these items that one day, some day she would cash in or share her wealth which may not have any monetary value but Sentimental Value that is what a lot of these things have and held for her and now me.
Miss you mom.
Friday, February 5, 2016
85 Days
So... I am at a cross roads an impasse a fork in the road. Where do I go what do I say? None of these questions are easily answered today.
Today I want to tell you about 85 days that ended with 2 hours of perfection.
For the last 85 days my mother has needed constant care. Not by a staff of nurses or a hospital or even a nursing home. She asked to be taken home and for her children to care for her. Her children are not care givers or nurses or in the medical field. We are dispatchers and office workers and retail employees and dental assistants and city employees. We luckily have friends that are in nursing school and respiratory therapist and lpn's and cna's. On November 15 my mom had a stroke and was taken to the hospital where I met her. She could not speak well but I was able to figure out what she was saying. Mom could only say a few words right after the stroke she seemed to say two best. "NO and "Bullshit" they became two of her favorite words over the next few days and weeks. She was admitted into ICU but before hand they wanted to put in a catheter. Well that was never going to happen. I am pretty sure she said, Hell No. So ICU it was but only for a day. She was too much for that so she was moved to the Neurological floor being she had a stroke. She had been given two swallow tests and failed both what does that mean well that they don't feel it is safe for you to eat. Then on November 17 at 7AM we were told by a hospital doctor that my mother was unlikely to make it through the day. The doctor said that we could try to feed her anything she wanted basically because they had no hope. So she ate. Small slow bites and not very much. She sipped at coke and by that afternoon my mother got up out of her bed and walked into the hallway with the physical therapist because she saw a friend standing there she had not seen in years. The nurses jaw hit the floor. My mom then said as only she would, I walked this far can I have a cigarette now?
Over the next few days we saw great strides and great setbacks but by Thursday they said we needed a plan. What are we planning was our question is she going to get better or is she going home to die? We were not sure of either. The doctors at this point said by what she is able to eat she will not make it until Thanksgiving. Well that is just next Thursday. We knew she was going to need round the clock care and a hospital bed so we started with those things.
And so our nursing experience started. My mother was nothing if she was not stubborn so as soon as she saw the ramp my sister's husband built for her she was mad. She would have gotten up and kicked it over into the pool and walked up the steps with assistance if she could have. But at some point we knew we needed to do whatever we could to help. Hospital bed would have ended up in the pool on top of the ramp as well if mom could have lifted it. Now with 5 of us you would think that would not be bad to try to have coverage but we all have jobs and even though all our jobs were flexible and our bosses kind. It is the week of a holiday and we can take some time and spend it with mom. The overnights were by far the hardest but every hour of the day had it's challenges.
The first few weeks she had more visitors, neighbors, old friends, previous co-workers, the mailman, employees from Publix and CVS came by to visit. The biggest surprise was our dad. They had not spoken in years but he came and sat with her and visited. They watched the old home movies and made their peace which is what was important for both of them.
After we got through Thanksgiving and into December my mother announced one day that it was no longer a death watch. She was eating frozen orange juice and pineapple juice and Slurpee's. My brother came up with some of the best idea's. I was amazed and she would try things when he put them in front of her. She liked cold gazpacho soup I made when it was pureed. As the weeks turned into months we had to have more help. We were wearing ourselves too thin. So we brought in reinforcements.
My sister had a friend that had already been helping mom on her days off and she started to spend more time and we had another friend that had done private duty before that was free in the morning. We still were running short in the afternoon but we finally found a new friend that I knew as soon as I spoke to her that mother was going to love her. And my sister's friend the respiratory therapist that was coming to check on her and giving us whatever tips he had. The funny thing was that all these people loved and cared for mom in their own way as though she was their own mother.
People have asked didn't you have Hospice help. No. Mom didn't want strangers taking care of her. She didn't want strangers in the house. I have told people from the beginning that this was the hardest thing I have ever done and I felt like we should have a t-shirt or a medal declaring that we have done it. A friend of mine told me yesterday when I said that to her,"you will receive that medal when you see your mom again." I felt much better.
Mom loved all of these people. The respiratory therapist spoke to mom about football and music. She told him of players like Fran Tarkenton and George Blanda and singers like Frank Sinatra and Kris Kristofferson. So the next time he was over he brought a cd he had made for her of some of her favorites. He would come after working in Ocala to sit with mom overnight. Which was when her breathing was the worst. He would come and watch football with her. One of the girls loved old movies and would watch them with mom as soon as she said John Wayne mom was sold. Another just sat and chatted with her and helped with bathing. Everything they did was to make her life better and to give her the dignity she deserved and the 5 of us the peace that we could leave and she was in good hands. They each taught us how to move her or transfer her and how to adjust her to make her as comfortable as we could.
They each had the patients of saints to do what mom asked and took care of her as though it was their own mom. Thank you Donnell, Carrie, Jarma, Kayla, Jerrica for helping and just being there.
Mom had physical therapy, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. She would request the same people and was not happy if it was not Brian, Pam and Paul. One even told her she was his favorite and he wasn't suppose to say he had a favorite. When she was not well enough to do exercises they would sit and visit with her. Check her vitals and again any tips they had they would share.
So Christmas came and we did as always, we all showed up at moms and visited and exchanged gifts. I had made some food not as much as mom would have but none the less there was more than enough. New Years Eve I spent overnight with mom. We watched the ball drop and watched old movies. We have all sat through the hours of home movies with her that one of my sisters got copied to dvd this year with her. The kids even came up with an idea for a game. How many things can you write down that you see in the movies that you can still find in her house. We will have to play someday.
So frozen orange juice became ice chips and soup became pureed fruit cups. The acid would upset her stomach from all the juice. Never did she say she was hungry. Never in pain. Uncomfortable and even miserable at times but she was tough as nails. She would asked for a sip of coke by holding up her thumb and forefinger like you would show a pinch. As time past it was harder and harder to understand the words she said so we turned to a clipboard and reams of paper and mom's own version of sign language which we all learned. A thumb up meant lift me up higher in the bed. Just like that she created and we learned a new language. We are still torn on what will happen to all that paper but when we had a hard time understanding her we would say,"write it down mom." Trying to make communicating less frustrating for everyone.
Our 85 days is nearly up but you don't know until you know that sort of thing remember the doctors only gave her hours then weeks then they finally stopped predicting the future.
On Thursday January 28th mom said she was tired of fighting and on Friday January 29th we were all over at the house. She was not responsive to anything Tori had been there over night and Al that day, I spent the afternoon and Billie and Beth came in the evening along with their kids. We were all there. Timmy and Alex had been by. When her youngest granddaughter Ashley walked in and said "why is wheel of fortune not on. Grandma wants to watch her shows." So we watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and the kids told grandma what they did at school that day and played along with the game shows. Emily had a great story of almost getting sick while singing because her group became a duet which almost became a solo as others dropped out or forgot the words. It was a great story for grandma to hear. Paul got an award for Student of the Month that day. We were all talking and laughing the only way mom would have wanted it. After the game shows we turned off the tv and the kids wanted to sing to her before they left so we had about an hour and a half of Karaoke with Grandma as they called it. The kids sang Silent Night, Automatic and the House that Built Me both by Miranda Lambert. Both Automatic and The House that Built Me were two of mom's favorites so they were sung at the beginning and the end of the their performance. My sister said, "one last song kids." When the kids were finished Beth, Billie and I changed mom and got her ready for the night. But before we took our hands off of her I looked up and said, "I think she has stopped breathing?" Beth, Billie and I still all had our hands on her and we waited. Held our breath. Was she gone. She was. I feel that when the kids finished singing and walked out the door... Mom was gone as well. She passed away just that fast. She could not have written down instructions for a better evening.
The next few hours and days were difficult but I thought we are Basore's and we will get through this. And we have started a new journey down a new path. I had hoped not to take for a while longer but everything changes and as the song says, "you leave home and move on and do the best you can."
That is what we are doing now. The best we can. Thanks to our Mom.
Today I want to tell you about 85 days that ended with 2 hours of perfection.
 |
| Jeanne K. Basore |
Over the next few days we saw great strides and great setbacks but by Thursday they said we needed a plan. What are we planning was our question is she going to get better or is she going home to die? We were not sure of either. The doctors at this point said by what she is able to eat she will not make it until Thanksgiving. Well that is just next Thursday. We knew she was going to need round the clock care and a hospital bed so we started with those things.
And so our nursing experience started. My mother was nothing if she was not stubborn so as soon as she saw the ramp my sister's husband built for her she was mad. She would have gotten up and kicked it over into the pool and walked up the steps with assistance if she could have. But at some point we knew we needed to do whatever we could to help. Hospital bed would have ended up in the pool on top of the ramp as well if mom could have lifted it. Now with 5 of us you would think that would not be bad to try to have coverage but we all have jobs and even though all our jobs were flexible and our bosses kind. It is the week of a holiday and we can take some time and spend it with mom. The overnights were by far the hardest but every hour of the day had it's challenges.
The first few weeks she had more visitors, neighbors, old friends, previous co-workers, the mailman, employees from Publix and CVS came by to visit. The biggest surprise was our dad. They had not spoken in years but he came and sat with her and visited. They watched the old home movies and made their peace which is what was important for both of them.
After we got through Thanksgiving and into December my mother announced one day that it was no longer a death watch. She was eating frozen orange juice and pineapple juice and Slurpee's. My brother came up with some of the best idea's. I was amazed and she would try things when he put them in front of her. She liked cold gazpacho soup I made when it was pureed. As the weeks turned into months we had to have more help. We were wearing ourselves too thin. So we brought in reinforcements.
My sister had a friend that had already been helping mom on her days off and she started to spend more time and we had another friend that had done private duty before that was free in the morning. We still were running short in the afternoon but we finally found a new friend that I knew as soon as I spoke to her that mother was going to love her. And my sister's friend the respiratory therapist that was coming to check on her and giving us whatever tips he had. The funny thing was that all these people loved and cared for mom in their own way as though she was their own mother.
People have asked didn't you have Hospice help. No. Mom didn't want strangers taking care of her. She didn't want strangers in the house. I have told people from the beginning that this was the hardest thing I have ever done and I felt like we should have a t-shirt or a medal declaring that we have done it. A friend of mine told me yesterday when I said that to her,"you will receive that medal when you see your mom again." I felt much better.
Mom loved all of these people. The respiratory therapist spoke to mom about football and music. She told him of players like Fran Tarkenton and George Blanda and singers like Frank Sinatra and Kris Kristofferson. So the next time he was over he brought a cd he had made for her of some of her favorites. He would come after working in Ocala to sit with mom overnight. Which was when her breathing was the worst. He would come and watch football with her. One of the girls loved old movies and would watch them with mom as soon as she said John Wayne mom was sold. Another just sat and chatted with her and helped with bathing. Everything they did was to make her life better and to give her the dignity she deserved and the 5 of us the peace that we could leave and she was in good hands. They each taught us how to move her or transfer her and how to adjust her to make her as comfortable as we could.
They each had the patients of saints to do what mom asked and took care of her as though it was their own mom. Thank you Donnell, Carrie, Jarma, Kayla, Jerrica for helping and just being there.
Mom had physical therapy, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. She would request the same people and was not happy if it was not Brian, Pam and Paul. One even told her she was his favorite and he wasn't suppose to say he had a favorite. When she was not well enough to do exercises they would sit and visit with her. Check her vitals and again any tips they had they would share.
 |
| Christmas at Mom's 2007 |
So frozen orange juice became ice chips and soup became pureed fruit cups. The acid would upset her stomach from all the juice. Never did she say she was hungry. Never in pain. Uncomfortable and even miserable at times but she was tough as nails. She would asked for a sip of coke by holding up her thumb and forefinger like you would show a pinch. As time past it was harder and harder to understand the words she said so we turned to a clipboard and reams of paper and mom's own version of sign language which we all learned. A thumb up meant lift me up higher in the bed. Just like that she created and we learned a new language. We are still torn on what will happen to all that paper but when we had a hard time understanding her we would say,"write it down mom." Trying to make communicating less frustrating for everyone.
Our 85 days is nearly up but you don't know until you know that sort of thing remember the doctors only gave her hours then weeks then they finally stopped predicting the future.
On Thursday January 28th mom said she was tired of fighting and on Friday January 29th we were all over at the house. She was not responsive to anything Tori had been there over night and Al that day, I spent the afternoon and Billie and Beth came in the evening along with their kids. We were all there. Timmy and Alex had been by. When her youngest granddaughter Ashley walked in and said "why is wheel of fortune not on. Grandma wants to watch her shows." So we watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and the kids told grandma what they did at school that day and played along with the game shows. Emily had a great story of almost getting sick while singing because her group became a duet which almost became a solo as others dropped out or forgot the words. It was a great story for grandma to hear. Paul got an award for Student of the Month that day. We were all talking and laughing the only way mom would have wanted it. After the game shows we turned off the tv and the kids wanted to sing to her before they left so we had about an hour and a half of Karaoke with Grandma as they called it. The kids sang Silent Night, Automatic and the House that Built Me both by Miranda Lambert. Both Automatic and The House that Built Me were two of mom's favorites so they were sung at the beginning and the end of the their performance. My sister said, "one last song kids." When the kids were finished Beth, Billie and I changed mom and got her ready for the night. But before we took our hands off of her I looked up and said, "I think she has stopped breathing?" Beth, Billie and I still all had our hands on her and we waited. Held our breath. Was she gone. She was. I feel that when the kids finished singing and walked out the door... Mom was gone as well. She passed away just that fast. She could not have written down instructions for a better evening.
The next few hours and days were difficult but I thought we are Basore's and we will get through this. And we have started a new journey down a new path. I had hoped not to take for a while longer but everything changes and as the song says, "you leave home and move on and do the best you can."
That is what we are doing now. The best we can. Thanks to our Mom.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Words I can not find
So it has been awhile old friend since I have written. Ironically we got a new computer and I thought I would write more but life gets in the way. Lots of things going on but none I want to talk about directly.
Sometimes when I write I use metaphors to explain my feelings about a subject without speaking directly of the subject. Part of that is the non-confrontational person that doesn't want to argue and I believe what I believe and you believe what you believe. You want to share your opinion write your own blog or post but don't hijack something I wrote to spout off your opinion or feelings. I know this may seem harsh but it is the private me staying private. I had to delete something I wrote because I did not want to share things that others did. I had to remove part of me for the sake of myself.
That really upset me. Really. See I know people that scroll past hum drum life and people thrive on showing others what they ate for every meal and how it came out (literally). Me I only want to give up a little and leave the rest to be a mystery. It is easier for me that way.
Easier because the computer does not show emotions. I have never used those little emoticons. Guess I can't reduce my feelings to a single symbol. That is the problem. I cannot reduce my feelings to words which I feel others can understand even though they may very well. And again I don't want you to share what I am not sharing.
This whole thing ties into work and a class I took a few weeks ago. I am still trying to figure out if the supervisor wanted me to learn about myself or to learn that I am different or to learn that other people don't get me and I don't always get them. I did realize why some people rub me wrong and I am sure why I rub others wrong.
The class I took was a Myers-Briggs assessment. Myers and Briggs are a mother daughter team that developed a questionnaire to determine peoples personality preferences. Preference is their word not mine. I, who have no training believe that people do not choose their personality. But I guess years of studying had made scientific types decide that you choose. I think people do choose what they show but I do not think you choose what you are. That is like saying I choose to be left-handed or I choose to have brown hair. Brown hair is what I came with and if I choose I can change it to blond not really. I would choose auburn, only a little just a subtle change. There is too much of me I am not willing to let go of.
I will unlike the class tell you right away that I was with some confidence a ISFP. Which is to say that I am an Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving type person. Throughout the class we learned about the different personality dichotomies or opposites and how people of each type think and feel differently. Dichotomy is a 50 cent word. Today a young person might call it a buzz word or to say a good word to use when you are trying to show off some level of vocabulary weather you have it or not.
I have always found psychology interesting. I like understanding how the brain works but I sometimes find my brain at odds with what scientists believe. Like I found it interesting that most of the people in the class were interested to find out the results of their questionnaire. I found myselfndifferent to what the results showed. But as we went through the class we were given examples of different sides to each type and were asked to choose which we thought we were. So since I did not make you wait for what their results were I will not make you wait to know that I choose the exact same ISFP. So am I that confident about the person I am. I question a lot but I do not question who I am.
Everyone knows what an extrovert or introvert are. Extroverts outgoing, introverts reserve. So to say at most times I am a reserve person would be an understatement. Introvert I am.
Next pair not so easy for me to choose and with less confidence did the questionnaire find my responses to be Sensing. The other option is Intuition. Which is why I had a hard time deciding which way to go with this one. I use intuition a lot but I guess I do have a preference to things that I know are fact that I can touch, see or smell, things I know to be real.
Third pair Thinking or Feeling. Now I do think a lot but it is with my values and compassion that I think. So yes I am most definitely a feeling type.
Lastly, Judging or Perceiving again no so confident because spontaneous is not a word most would use to describe me but I am flexible and adaptable. I am far from organized or methodical unless it comes to something that has to go in that order. Otherwise I have been known to find my own way in both life and work. So perceiving it is.
So all of that said, still not sure where that leaves this girl at 3AM on Christmas Eve writing a blog. No it is not that everything is ready for Christmas. No we do not have a tree or decorations up. We have been very busy this year and other things have come first. Don't get me wrong. I love a real tree. I love the lights. I love the smell of the pine tree or fir tree. But again other things have gotten in the way.
Still trying to find the words I want to say. I have probably lost most by now but remember I don't write this for you it is for me. And I am not sleeping so I am still writing. Why am I so private? Why will I share some things with a stranger that I would not share with my friends. I don't know. It is hard for me. I know some things are hard for some people all the time and some things are hard for others none of the time. Some people just go with the flow.
So for the last week I was away and resigned myself to the fact that there is nothing I can do in Alaska to change anything in Florida so I just have to live the Alaska life while I am there. Partially in ignorant bliss. Partially too busy to worry.
The funny thing is it was not until I got back to Florida and was on my way to work today and started to cry out of the blue that I realized. "Back to life, back to reality" as sung by Soul II Soul in 1989 version of "Back to Life". Not a favorite just an appropriate song for the moment.
I don't know if the song is a request to a loved one to help them change or a prayer to God for the same. I will choose a prayer because I don't believe one is truly going to change for another person.
Yet asking God, "However do you want me, However do you need me", seems like a reasonable request. We have returned, "Back from the fantasy". So it is the "back to the here and now, yeah" that I worry about the part I truly cannot control. The part where I am the passenger not the driver, the part where I am a cog in the wheel of life. Trying like hell to roll along. I guess if I am going to follow the song "look it is me writing on the wall". Literally so I guess I have to end this with "However do you want me, However do you need me." God, Please let me know what I need to do. Please let me know how to patient when even mine have run out. Please let me know...(Those three dots are all the unspoken prayers I ask for tonight.) They are for everyone's unspoken prayers.
Tonight I guess there is no moral of the story. I first wrote, "There is no light at the end of the tunnel" but I think there is I just cannot see it yet. I am not sure I will find sleep. I have however typed a lot of words. I have found tears finally. Finally that silly song or prayer that will no longer be silly to me has found what I need. "back to the day we have" That is all we are guaranteed. "Don't let me waste away. Help me find what I need to do what I need to do. That is what I ask for tonight.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
Sometimes when I write I use metaphors to explain my feelings about a subject without speaking directly of the subject. Part of that is the non-confrontational person that doesn't want to argue and I believe what I believe and you believe what you believe. You want to share your opinion write your own blog or post but don't hijack something I wrote to spout off your opinion or feelings. I know this may seem harsh but it is the private me staying private. I had to delete something I wrote because I did not want to share things that others did. I had to remove part of me for the sake of myself.
That really upset me. Really. See I know people that scroll past hum drum life and people thrive on showing others what they ate for every meal and how it came out (literally). Me I only want to give up a little and leave the rest to be a mystery. It is easier for me that way.
Easier because the computer does not show emotions. I have never used those little emoticons. Guess I can't reduce my feelings to a single symbol. That is the problem. I cannot reduce my feelings to words which I feel others can understand even though they may very well. And again I don't want you to share what I am not sharing.
This whole thing ties into work and a class I took a few weeks ago. I am still trying to figure out if the supervisor wanted me to learn about myself or to learn that I am different or to learn that other people don't get me and I don't always get them. I did realize why some people rub me wrong and I am sure why I rub others wrong.
The class I took was a Myers-Briggs assessment. Myers and Briggs are a mother daughter team that developed a questionnaire to determine peoples personality preferences. Preference is their word not mine. I, who have no training believe that people do not choose their personality. But I guess years of studying had made scientific types decide that you choose. I think people do choose what they show but I do not think you choose what you are. That is like saying I choose to be left-handed or I choose to have brown hair. Brown hair is what I came with and if I choose I can change it to blond not really. I would choose auburn, only a little just a subtle change. There is too much of me I am not willing to let go of.
I will unlike the class tell you right away that I was with some confidence a ISFP. Which is to say that I am an Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving type person. Throughout the class we learned about the different personality dichotomies or opposites and how people of each type think and feel differently. Dichotomy is a 50 cent word. Today a young person might call it a buzz word or to say a good word to use when you are trying to show off some level of vocabulary weather you have it or not.
I have always found psychology interesting. I like understanding how the brain works but I sometimes find my brain at odds with what scientists believe. Like I found it interesting that most of the people in the class were interested to find out the results of their questionnaire. I found myselfndifferent to what the results showed. But as we went through the class we were given examples of different sides to each type and were asked to choose which we thought we were. So since I did not make you wait for what their results were I will not make you wait to know that I choose the exact same ISFP. So am I that confident about the person I am. I question a lot but I do not question who I am.
Everyone knows what an extrovert or introvert are. Extroverts outgoing, introverts reserve. So to say at most times I am a reserve person would be an understatement. Introvert I am.
Next pair not so easy for me to choose and with less confidence did the questionnaire find my responses to be Sensing. The other option is Intuition. Which is why I had a hard time deciding which way to go with this one. I use intuition a lot but I guess I do have a preference to things that I know are fact that I can touch, see or smell, things I know to be real.
Third pair Thinking or Feeling. Now I do think a lot but it is with my values and compassion that I think. So yes I am most definitely a feeling type.
Lastly, Judging or Perceiving again no so confident because spontaneous is not a word most would use to describe me but I am flexible and adaptable. I am far from organized or methodical unless it comes to something that has to go in that order. Otherwise I have been known to find my own way in both life and work. So perceiving it is.
So all of that said, still not sure where that leaves this girl at 3AM on Christmas Eve writing a blog. No it is not that everything is ready for Christmas. No we do not have a tree or decorations up. We have been very busy this year and other things have come first. Don't get me wrong. I love a real tree. I love the lights. I love the smell of the pine tree or fir tree. But again other things have gotten in the way.
Still trying to find the words I want to say. I have probably lost most by now but remember I don't write this for you it is for me. And I am not sleeping so I am still writing. Why am I so private? Why will I share some things with a stranger that I would not share with my friends. I don't know. It is hard for me. I know some things are hard for some people all the time and some things are hard for others none of the time. Some people just go with the flow.
So for the last week I was away and resigned myself to the fact that there is nothing I can do in Alaska to change anything in Florida so I just have to live the Alaska life while I am there. Partially in ignorant bliss. Partially too busy to worry.
The funny thing is it was not until I got back to Florida and was on my way to work today and started to cry out of the blue that I realized. "Back to life, back to reality" as sung by Soul II Soul in 1989 version of "Back to Life". Not a favorite just an appropriate song for the moment.
I don't know if the song is a request to a loved one to help them change or a prayer to God for the same. I will choose a prayer because I don't believe one is truly going to change for another person.
Yet asking God, "However do you want me, However do you need me", seems like a reasonable request. We have returned, "Back from the fantasy". So it is the "back to the here and now, yeah" that I worry about the part I truly cannot control. The part where I am the passenger not the driver, the part where I am a cog in the wheel of life. Trying like hell to roll along. I guess if I am going to follow the song "look it is me writing on the wall". Literally so I guess I have to end this with "However do you want me, However do you need me." God, Please let me know what I need to do. Please let me know how to patient when even mine have run out. Please let me know...(Those three dots are all the unspoken prayers I ask for tonight.) They are for everyone's unspoken prayers.
Tonight I guess there is no moral of the story. I first wrote, "There is no light at the end of the tunnel" but I think there is I just cannot see it yet. I am not sure I will find sleep. I have however typed a lot of words. I have found tears finally. Finally that silly song or prayer that will no longer be silly to me has found what I need. "back to the day we have" That is all we are guaranteed. "Don't let me waste away. Help me find what I need to do what I need to do. That is what I ask for tonight.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Every day annoyances
On a normal day I wear my heart and soul on my sleeve. It is there for all to see. The more people know me the more they know the things that bother me, things I cannot tolerate and the things that I will drop everything right now and try to fix.
But lately I have found that some of the things that bother me are well grating at my ever loving nerves. They are not the things that I would stop for normally. Kids, animals that sort of thing. So I need to get some of them off my chest. I drive to work the same way everyday and everyday I stop at the light near my work and have on one side of my car a well manicured College campus. Beautiful oak trees and green grass. The kind you find at a park and would like to spend the afternoon sitting in having a picnic. On the other side of the street are soccer fields again well taken care of and even the parking lot is clean and is not a terrible place to spend a few minutes under a tree in your car eating lunch. Then there is the median. You know a little spot in between the lanes of traffic that has a little grass a few bushes and should not be anything that causes alarm or irritation to the point that I am writing at 2 o'clock in the morning yet here I am.
Now I am going on almost two years at the office I work at and off and on for the almost two years this median has been a source of irritation. Kinda like a splinter under your fingernail you cannot get out. So yesterday as I left my mothers and headed to work I noticed that the causeway looked beautiful. The median there is well maintained by City employees and is seen as the one of the prides of the city. Well then there I am sitting at the light about to turn into work and there is this median. Obviously not the pride of the city but more like the plight of the city. Now I know this seems a bit extreme but really, the grass in this median is higher than the bushes in the median and even if the grass is mowed the weeds and grass growing through the bushes is over a foot taller than the bushes. Now there is a part of me that says Jeanne let the median go. It is not your concern it is not hurting you or anyone else which is all true. But I feel like it is a reflection of the city and therefor of me.
Now there is irony here. Our yard thanks to our little furry bunny friends needs some help as well. My little 4 legged hopping friends have caused the bushes in our front yard to die and need to be removed. I am holding out for cooler weather which is coming and we will be out there working on correcting our little problem. Hopefully in a way satisfactory to both me and the bunnies. I however am not paid to maintain my yard as someone is to maintain that median and it is just out of pride that I do it. And yes I take pride in my little stretch of the city. I have on occasion cut the grass of the neighbors who did not have as much pride or annoyance as I and would not think twice about doing it again. So the irritated Jeanne said you know I could take a lawnmower up there and fix this problem in an hour and be fine with it but then my brother tells me about some lady that does just this very thing and gets hit by a car. Now I am not willing to die for the median so I will go back to plan A and try to get the city to get their contractor that they are paying to go out and do their damn job. So I have the name of the man who can help and will make that phone call on Monday so that I can go to work in peace and enjoy the entire view along the way.
Next, Identity theft and our government. This is another source of irritation with me. Brian and I have been dealing with for almost this entire year. First it was the IRS and then Unemployment and then a payday advance loan. So again another exercise in futility instead of spending my morning hour writing something I would like to write about a subject more pleasing than the security of an identity that I feel like is a genie out of the bottle sort of thing. It is now out there all we can do is sit back and wait for the bad stuff to happen and fix it when it does. Just to let you know the companies that say they can secure you from such things can only help after the fact if you pay more for the services. So here we wait it is now October waiting on our tax refund. Patiently waiting for the wheels of our government to move ever so slowly that maybe that tax money will be Christmas money and then I cannot wait to start the process all over again for next year. Now today I called a phone number that was provided from the IRS in regards to our tax return and they asked if it was a financial hardship that we do not have our tax return. I don't know anyone that it is not a hardship for. But no there is no company about to turn off our utilities so it is technically not a hardship. Then I was transferred to the identity theft unit and was told the wait would be 30 to 60 minutes and on their recording they said to please be patient and if you have not waited over 180 days to give them some more time. Wow. So they got their way today. I did not have another 30 to 60 minutes to hold.
Now we have filed police reports on these incidents and a report with the FTC and put a credit freeze on our credit but here is the kicker. Payday loan places don't check your credit. Guess what that means they don't know you have a freeze on yours. So to that I say sorry about your luck. I will never forget the kid that called at 8 o'clock one morning and told me that we had taken out this loan. I said I know that is not the case and he told me that my husband may have done it without my knowledge as he said, it happens all the time. I told that kid not in this house and again told him that we had done no such thing. Well the next morning he called again and asked for Brian this time and again we told him the same thing. We thought at first scam, wrong number, wrong person. Nope. All the nope. Again that genie has been used and again we had to prove our case and they have agreed we are not responsible for the loan But with my effort has come a small reward. They have provided some information to the police dept and the police dept has requested a subpoena for more and maybe someday the person who has been working so diligently on getting our money and then some will get caught. That will not put the genie back in the bottle but I will get some satisfaction out of my efforts.
Ok, Jeanne is that it you have been writing for an hour it is 3 o'clock and I do feel better about these things I have written but I have one more. Oh God, I just thought of another. Well let me see here. So do I write about politics and the fact that the 2016 election is 13 months away and I am getting poled on weather or not I will vote for Charlie Christ or Eric Lynn some guy I have never heard of. Well Charlie sorry. Oh that is funny Sorry Charlie, I am not going to vote for you. I have clothes that I have had longer than the opinions you have on subjects and you have done your bit for Florida Thank you. So this other dude Eric don't know him but the poling person told me he was raised in Pinellas County ok good but so was Charlie. But doesn't own a house here. So he doesn't live here anymore. So I thought run for office where you do live. Oh he lives in DC well guess you should run there. I don't know what to tell you people running for office but be glad there are very few people that care and less that vote and it seems that the voters are either the last few dying it is my right and my duty people or someone with some political agenda to get something done that no one wants done but no one is willing to stand up and tell you that because well that takes time. Oh Yeah and as for the politics of 2016 I heard on the radio the other day that Hillary raised $28 million in the last 3 months for her political campaign. Now here again sorry but really. That is crazy money. And where is this money going to grease the wheels of the media to spin the propaganda that she wants spun and for me to suffer through a lifetimes worth of hateful commercials crammed into a few months. I have said it before but here is an idea. Instead of spending all of this money on ads and media how about let us buy books for kids in places that don't have access to them or provide Internet for families that can't afford it. I know it seems like a luxury item to me but I know kids in school use the Internet like we used to use the Encyclopedia Britannica. For those born in the age of Internet you will have to Google it or ask your friend Siri or Cortana if she has ever used an encyclopedia to look something up.
The book idea made me think of my cousin Tami. She lives in a very small town in the rust belt of Ohio right along the Ohio River and she maintains the library in her town. You know the buildings and grounds and she has been known to shovel snow and mow grass and whatever else it takes to keep the place running. So I just looked and could not find the budget of her small town library. So I found another small town and their library budget was 1.7 million dollars for next year. I am thinking my cousin and her friends at her library probably wish for money like that but since Ohio is not Florida there are no sunshine laws and I could not at 4 o'clock in the morning find their City Budget for next year. So I will go with what I have. That 1.7 million dollar budget for a town, well Hillary that means that you could fund over 16 small towns libraries for a year with the money you raised in the last quarter. Instead that money will grease the pockets of media moguls that can afford to have someone else read to them at night instead of going to the library and checking out a book and reading it them self. No, I am not mad just really irritated that the people of the world do not seem to care unless it affects them. And to the people donating the money for Hillary and the rest of the people running for president please. For the love of God find something better to do with your money than buying advertising. Or make Hillary do something good with it. That would be something worth getting excited over and worthy of my vote. But her paying a bunch of people to figure out if a hateful campaign will beat out the rest well that I just can not buy into.
Alright the last thing I had will have to wait. I am sure you all are glad. I have probably lost most along the way this morning but for those that hung on until the end. I thank you for your time. I mean it. I just needed to let someone know how all of this makes me feel. So back to bed. Goodnight.
But lately I have found that some of the things that bother me are well grating at my ever loving nerves. They are not the things that I would stop for normally. Kids, animals that sort of thing. So I need to get some of them off my chest. I drive to work the same way everyday and everyday I stop at the light near my work and have on one side of my car a well manicured College campus. Beautiful oak trees and green grass. The kind you find at a park and would like to spend the afternoon sitting in having a picnic. On the other side of the street are soccer fields again well taken care of and even the parking lot is clean and is not a terrible place to spend a few minutes under a tree in your car eating lunch. Then there is the median. You know a little spot in between the lanes of traffic that has a little grass a few bushes and should not be anything that causes alarm or irritation to the point that I am writing at 2 o'clock in the morning yet here I am.
Now I am going on almost two years at the office I work at and off and on for the almost two years this median has been a source of irritation. Kinda like a splinter under your fingernail you cannot get out. So yesterday as I left my mothers and headed to work I noticed that the causeway looked beautiful. The median there is well maintained by City employees and is seen as the one of the prides of the city. Well then there I am sitting at the light about to turn into work and there is this median. Obviously not the pride of the city but more like the plight of the city. Now I know this seems a bit extreme but really, the grass in this median is higher than the bushes in the median and even if the grass is mowed the weeds and grass growing through the bushes is over a foot taller than the bushes. Now there is a part of me that says Jeanne let the median go. It is not your concern it is not hurting you or anyone else which is all true. But I feel like it is a reflection of the city and therefor of me.
Now there is irony here. Our yard thanks to our little furry bunny friends needs some help as well. My little 4 legged hopping friends have caused the bushes in our front yard to die and need to be removed. I am holding out for cooler weather which is coming and we will be out there working on correcting our little problem. Hopefully in a way satisfactory to both me and the bunnies. I however am not paid to maintain my yard as someone is to maintain that median and it is just out of pride that I do it. And yes I take pride in my little stretch of the city. I have on occasion cut the grass of the neighbors who did not have as much pride or annoyance as I and would not think twice about doing it again. So the irritated Jeanne said you know I could take a lawnmower up there and fix this problem in an hour and be fine with it but then my brother tells me about some lady that does just this very thing and gets hit by a car. Now I am not willing to die for the median so I will go back to plan A and try to get the city to get their contractor that they are paying to go out and do their damn job. So I have the name of the man who can help and will make that phone call on Monday so that I can go to work in peace and enjoy the entire view along the way.
Next, Identity theft and our government. This is another source of irritation with me. Brian and I have been dealing with for almost this entire year. First it was the IRS and then Unemployment and then a payday advance loan. So again another exercise in futility instead of spending my morning hour writing something I would like to write about a subject more pleasing than the security of an identity that I feel like is a genie out of the bottle sort of thing. It is now out there all we can do is sit back and wait for the bad stuff to happen and fix it when it does. Just to let you know the companies that say they can secure you from such things can only help after the fact if you pay more for the services. So here we wait it is now October waiting on our tax refund. Patiently waiting for the wheels of our government to move ever so slowly that maybe that tax money will be Christmas money and then I cannot wait to start the process all over again for next year. Now today I called a phone number that was provided from the IRS in regards to our tax return and they asked if it was a financial hardship that we do not have our tax return. I don't know anyone that it is not a hardship for. But no there is no company about to turn off our utilities so it is technically not a hardship. Then I was transferred to the identity theft unit and was told the wait would be 30 to 60 minutes and on their recording they said to please be patient and if you have not waited over 180 days to give them some more time. Wow. So they got their way today. I did not have another 30 to 60 minutes to hold.
Now we have filed police reports on these incidents and a report with the FTC and put a credit freeze on our credit but here is the kicker. Payday loan places don't check your credit. Guess what that means they don't know you have a freeze on yours. So to that I say sorry about your luck. I will never forget the kid that called at 8 o'clock one morning and told me that we had taken out this loan. I said I know that is not the case and he told me that my husband may have done it without my knowledge as he said, it happens all the time. I told that kid not in this house and again told him that we had done no such thing. Well the next morning he called again and asked for Brian this time and again we told him the same thing. We thought at first scam, wrong number, wrong person. Nope. All the nope. Again that genie has been used and again we had to prove our case and they have agreed we are not responsible for the loan But with my effort has come a small reward. They have provided some information to the police dept and the police dept has requested a subpoena for more and maybe someday the person who has been working so diligently on getting our money and then some will get caught. That will not put the genie back in the bottle but I will get some satisfaction out of my efforts.
Ok, Jeanne is that it you have been writing for an hour it is 3 o'clock and I do feel better about these things I have written but I have one more. Oh God, I just thought of another. Well let me see here. So do I write about politics and the fact that the 2016 election is 13 months away and I am getting poled on weather or not I will vote for Charlie Christ or Eric Lynn some guy I have never heard of. Well Charlie sorry. Oh that is funny Sorry Charlie, I am not going to vote for you. I have clothes that I have had longer than the opinions you have on subjects and you have done your bit for Florida Thank you. So this other dude Eric don't know him but the poling person told me he was raised in Pinellas County ok good but so was Charlie. But doesn't own a house here. So he doesn't live here anymore. So I thought run for office where you do live. Oh he lives in DC well guess you should run there. I don't know what to tell you people running for office but be glad there are very few people that care and less that vote and it seems that the voters are either the last few dying it is my right and my duty people or someone with some political agenda to get something done that no one wants done but no one is willing to stand up and tell you that because well that takes time. Oh Yeah and as for the politics of 2016 I heard on the radio the other day that Hillary raised $28 million in the last 3 months for her political campaign. Now here again sorry but really. That is crazy money. And where is this money going to grease the wheels of the media to spin the propaganda that she wants spun and for me to suffer through a lifetimes worth of hateful commercials crammed into a few months. I have said it before but here is an idea. Instead of spending all of this money on ads and media how about let us buy books for kids in places that don't have access to them or provide Internet for families that can't afford it. I know it seems like a luxury item to me but I know kids in school use the Internet like we used to use the Encyclopedia Britannica. For those born in the age of Internet you will have to Google it or ask your friend Siri or Cortana if she has ever used an encyclopedia to look something up.
The book idea made me think of my cousin Tami. She lives in a very small town in the rust belt of Ohio right along the Ohio River and she maintains the library in her town. You know the buildings and grounds and she has been known to shovel snow and mow grass and whatever else it takes to keep the place running. So I just looked and could not find the budget of her small town library. So I found another small town and their library budget was 1.7 million dollars for next year. I am thinking my cousin and her friends at her library probably wish for money like that but since Ohio is not Florida there are no sunshine laws and I could not at 4 o'clock in the morning find their City Budget for next year. So I will go with what I have. That 1.7 million dollar budget for a town, well Hillary that means that you could fund over 16 small towns libraries for a year with the money you raised in the last quarter. Instead that money will grease the pockets of media moguls that can afford to have someone else read to them at night instead of going to the library and checking out a book and reading it them self. No, I am not mad just really irritated that the people of the world do not seem to care unless it affects them. And to the people donating the money for Hillary and the rest of the people running for president please. For the love of God find something better to do with your money than buying advertising. Or make Hillary do something good with it. That would be something worth getting excited over and worthy of my vote. But her paying a bunch of people to figure out if a hateful campaign will beat out the rest well that I just can not buy into.
Alright the last thing I had will have to wait. I am sure you all are glad. I have probably lost most along the way this morning but for those that hung on until the end. I thank you for your time. I mean it. I just needed to let someone know how all of this makes me feel. So back to bed. Goodnight.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Reading and Writing
After last weeks post a friend of mine said that maybe it is time I write a novel. I have been thinking about this for the last week or so. I have started short stories, written poems and posted to this blog over 70 times but a novel. That is a vast undertaking. Just for information sake a post to this blog usually on a good night I will spend an hour on it. I will read it through multiple times before spell checking and reading it to Brian aloud and then posting it. I then promptly turn off the computer and do not think about it until the next day when I will re-read what I wrote the previous night and grin or cry or whatever I was trying to get out of it the night before. One thing about the words I write, they are the voice in my head. That to me is like the talking to your best friend. Sometimes it is the only voice that understands me and that is usually the voice of reason except for when it is ridiculous. Anxiety always makes me wonder how I can know something is in my head and yet I still believe it to be true. But that is for another night. Tonight it is about reading and writing.
I have ideas for a novel in my head. It has to be fiction because I could not just write the facts. But I love fiction that is about real people. Some of my favorite books have Beatrix Potter and her animals as characters. The Cottage Tales of Beatrix Potter by Susan Wittig Albert. There have been at least 8 of these novels and I have loved them all. Murder mystery with a twist of pixies and fairies and animals that talk like the cat named Tabbitha Twitchet and an owl they call the Professor. These are some great fantasy novels with a bit of history in them.
Any book that includes a map is for me. I love to know where we are going and how we are going to get there. By train or bus or horse and buggy. Books that were written before all of our modern conveniences are great. You know that people went to bed at dark to save the candles for when they needed them. And got up with the sun to start a new day. I have recently finished a book called Blue Highways which was written about 1980 about a trip on the small roads of the US around the perimeter and the people the author William Least Heat-Moon met along the way. I loved the view from his windshield and the people he met and picked up.
Another book I recently finished was by Bill Bryson A Walk in the Woods. This story took me on a trip hiking part of the Appalachian Trail. Something that I have decided that the next time we are in North Carolina we are going to go to Hot Springs where the trail cuts through town and walk a bit of it. Just so I can say I walked it. I would love to have the ambition to walk more than a few miles but I don't think I do. At least not right now. But today I saw the movie by the same name and it is as funny as the book. In the book as I read I found the character Bill took along on his trip to be funny and pretty much he is what he is matter of fact. Not in any shape to make the trip east from Iowa let alone to hike the AT as they refer to it on the trail. I loved the views in the movie and I loved some of the human drama that would come along with just such a trip but I missed what I thought was one of the funniest parts of the book. Towards the beginning of their hike Bill would get ahead of his friend Katz and at times wait for up to an hour for him to catch up. He also sometimes would go back looking for him to make sure he had not died. There is a bit that was in the book but not the movie about Katz flinging his food off of a cliff to lighten the load he was carrying. The description in the book was laugh out loud funny. Nick Nolte as Katz an unlikely person played the perfect character. I found him to remind me a lot of my father which I don't know if either would find it to be a compliment but is true. I thought after the movie I wonder if Bill Bryson picked Robert Redford to play him? I mean how often do you get to pick who plays you? And his wife thought man I could of had Robert Redford. Maybe not.
So I have talked a lot about books I have read and like to read but none about the one I want to write. Let's not say want but must write. Here is my biggest stumbling block. What I want to write or need to write is not a trip down a trail I truly want to walk all the way through. I have walked a section here or there through this story in my head but there are parts I am not ready to go through and I have to take others along and I don't know if they are ready for the trip either. The weather is a source of concern because it can be very hot and sometimes very cold where we are going. Parts that I have already completed not the book but the sections of the trail were hard. Not all the characters experienced the same things on their sections of the trail. Some will not even recognize the trail to be the same one they walked but I promise it is. Even the ending is different for each of the characters. Some will go back to Iowa and go to the state fair as they have for the last 39 years but others... Well they are my concern. I must take into account the lives of the other characters on the trail. So in the mean time I have projects that I am working on my kids travel book which takes them on family trips to places they may not find interesting but will find all kinds of real history and fun along the way. I also have a children's book that the illustrations are being worked on now and I hope will be published in the not to distant future.
So until we meet again. Walk softly and carry a big stick. Or just stand back and enjoy the view from where you are. But either way. Open a book they are full of adventures.
I have ideas for a novel in my head. It has to be fiction because I could not just write the facts. But I love fiction that is about real people. Some of my favorite books have Beatrix Potter and her animals as characters. The Cottage Tales of Beatrix Potter by Susan Wittig Albert. There have been at least 8 of these novels and I have loved them all. Murder mystery with a twist of pixies and fairies and animals that talk like the cat named Tabbitha Twitchet and an owl they call the Professor. These are some great fantasy novels with a bit of history in them.
Any book that includes a map is for me. I love to know where we are going and how we are going to get there. By train or bus or horse and buggy. Books that were written before all of our modern conveniences are great. You know that people went to bed at dark to save the candles for when they needed them. And got up with the sun to start a new day. I have recently finished a book called Blue Highways which was written about 1980 about a trip on the small roads of the US around the perimeter and the people the author William Least Heat-Moon met along the way. I loved the view from his windshield and the people he met and picked up.
Another book I recently finished was by Bill Bryson A Walk in the Woods. This story took me on a trip hiking part of the Appalachian Trail. Something that I have decided that the next time we are in North Carolina we are going to go to Hot Springs where the trail cuts through town and walk a bit of it. Just so I can say I walked it. I would love to have the ambition to walk more than a few miles but I don't think I do. At least not right now. But today I saw the movie by the same name and it is as funny as the book. In the book as I read I found the character Bill took along on his trip to be funny and pretty much he is what he is matter of fact. Not in any shape to make the trip east from Iowa let alone to hike the AT as they refer to it on the trail. I loved the views in the movie and I loved some of the human drama that would come along with just such a trip but I missed what I thought was one of the funniest parts of the book. Towards the beginning of their hike Bill would get ahead of his friend Katz and at times wait for up to an hour for him to catch up. He also sometimes would go back looking for him to make sure he had not died. There is a bit that was in the book but not the movie about Katz flinging his food off of a cliff to lighten the load he was carrying. The description in the book was laugh out loud funny. Nick Nolte as Katz an unlikely person played the perfect character. I found him to remind me a lot of my father which I don't know if either would find it to be a compliment but is true. I thought after the movie I wonder if Bill Bryson picked Robert Redford to play him? I mean how often do you get to pick who plays you? And his wife thought man I could of had Robert Redford. Maybe not.
So I have talked a lot about books I have read and like to read but none about the one I want to write. Let's not say want but must write. Here is my biggest stumbling block. What I want to write or need to write is not a trip down a trail I truly want to walk all the way through. I have walked a section here or there through this story in my head but there are parts I am not ready to go through and I have to take others along and I don't know if they are ready for the trip either. The weather is a source of concern because it can be very hot and sometimes very cold where we are going. Parts that I have already completed not the book but the sections of the trail were hard. Not all the characters experienced the same things on their sections of the trail. Some will not even recognize the trail to be the same one they walked but I promise it is. Even the ending is different for each of the characters. Some will go back to Iowa and go to the state fair as they have for the last 39 years but others... Well they are my concern. I must take into account the lives of the other characters on the trail. So in the mean time I have projects that I am working on my kids travel book which takes them on family trips to places they may not find interesting but will find all kinds of real history and fun along the way. I also have a children's book that the illustrations are being worked on now and I hope will be published in the not to distant future.
So until we meet again. Walk softly and carry a big stick. Or just stand back and enjoy the view from where you are. But either way. Open a book they are full of adventures.
The Empath in Me
Empath, Empathetic, Empathy: Are defined as a person who identifies or feels the thoughts and or attitudes of others. Fairly new term by a German philosopher Rudolf Lotze he thought that one looking at art could impress their own sensibilities onto it. To me that says that you see what you want in the image. If blue skies make you sad you may be sad to see a picture with blue skies? A friend of mine had read an article online about Empaths and said that it was me. Not really sure if I fit the definition but I found a web site that had a list of 30 common traits of an empath. So I went down the list and thought I would see how many apply to me. Not sure after reading the list if they are signs or symptoms if it is a gift or a diagnosis. Not sure if it is good or bad not even sure if it is me.
I can tell you what is me. I am the person that sees something like lets say an ambulance in front of a building that I am about to go in and visit my mother and I think oh God, something is wrong with mom. And I think most people would walk in and find the person they are looking for fine and and feel relieved. No that would not be me. I see a couple medical staff people standing over my mom with machines hooked up to her checking her blood pressure and her oxygen levels and say she was feeling weak and thought she was going to pass out. She now looks worse than she has looked in weeks and I thought we were making progress. So enough about my life lets see if I am an Empath or at least Empathetic
1. Just knowing. Well I often feel as though I know things before they happen or I will think a thought and then it happens. May not have anything to do with me and I may have no way of affecting the thing to happen. But still somehow I know.
2. Public places may be overwhelming. This one is a no for me. I do not like to be crowded together with people but I do not mind being out in public.
3. Feeling others emotion., Sometimes I do feel like I know what others are feeling but I have always based that on similar experiences.
4. Watching violence is unbearable. I have never been able to watch blood and guts movies but more recently I can not see or even hear stories of violence or cruelty. It is too upsetting to me. After Hurricane Katrina I told Brian we could not watch anymore about it on TV if I can not go help I cannot know anymore.
5. You know when someone is not being honest. I can call Brian out on a fib quicker than anyone else but I usually get a feeling if someone is not telling the truth. On the reverse side it is nearly impossible for me to lie about a lot of things.
6. Picking up physical symptoms of others. I do not think this applies to me but my mother will definitely feel bad if I say that I do.
7. Digestive problems. No, not me again. Got a stomach like a steal trap.
8. Always looking out for the underdog. I do feel like the loosing team should win but as well when someone has a weakness I like to share their strength.
9. Others will want to offload their problems on you. People have always felt they can share with me. Again I always know when I need to share with others. To show that they aren't alone.
10. Constant Fatigue. I have had problems with this as an adult. Some have been caused by physical problems. I am exhausted or feel drained a lot.
11. Addictive personality. Another no. But definitely a family trait. I think that I avoid things that I could be addicted to.
12. Drawn to healing. This one also mentioned an interest in supernatural. This I have an interest in anything that can not be explained. I just want to understand Why or How it works. My father's mom used to go to all kinds of churches because she wanted to understand what they believe. Even healers. I have always found that fact to be very interesting.
13. Creative. My imagination is incredible and I love art, writing, photography and music.
14. Love of nature and animals. I am not an outdoors person but I love it when the weather is nice. I have always loved animals. I cannot see an animal in need of help without helping. Have to limit myself when it comes to homeless animals. I could take them all home if I could take care of them. I do know the difference.
15. Need for solitude. I am happy home alone in the silence. I drive now a lot in silence. I even realized a few weeks ago the reason I do not like the electric toothbrush is that I do not like the noise. I really prefer silence or music.
16. Get bored or distracted easily. My imagination can go down a path unnecessarily when listening to another person talk. But as long as I am busy at work it is easy to stay focused on the task at hand.
17. Finds it impossible to do things the do not enjoy. Could be considered lazy. I wish it was impossible but most of the time I can be guilted into whatever someone else wants for the good of the whole.
18. Strives for the truth. When someone lies and I catch them I am very disappointed. All I ask is for the truth.
19. Always looking for answers. This goes back to wanting to understand things and how they work and always why.
20. Likes adventures. Adventures within reason. Attainable goals. I enjoy the water but don't need to scuba dive in it. Like to fly but don't need to jump out of an airplane.
21. Abhors clutter. This is a Big NO. I wish it bothered me more but I can tolerate clutter as long as I know where everything is.
22. Loves to daydream. Favorite pass time other than reading.
23. Finds rules and routines imprisoning. I like rules. Not stupid rules and I decide what is stupid or not.
24. Prone to carry weight without overeating. Well I hope this is why but I believe I eat more calories than I work off and that is why I am heavy.
25. Excellent listener. I would be a good counselor but the problem is that I would then worry for the people I counseled. So maybe not so good at it after all.
26. Intolerant of narcosis. Used to work for one. Now I don't. I could list all the reasons but they already know because they know everything.
27. Feels the days of the week. This was confusing at first but it is like being excited about Friday even if you have to work all weekend. I do this sometimes. Or dread Monday even though I don't have to work.
28. Will not choose to by vintage or antique things. This is in regards to the energy the item carries. I feel when buying something that is old or used I sometimes wonder about the woman who owned an old cookbook or a person that previously read the book I am reading. So no but maybe I wouldn't buy something that I felt a negative energy about but I don't think that has ever happened.
29. Senses the energy of food. This is the sensing of the energy from the animal that you are eating. I cannot think about this because I could not eat it if I thought about it.
30. Can be shy, aloof or moody. Sometimes to the negative. I have said that my happiness pendulum often swings to sad more than most. I can be withdrawn when I worry. It is hard to be happy and worrying at the same time. When I am up and on my A game. I am a fun loving person. But when I am not, I am not.
Ok. So I have counted and I am feel that 19 of the signs do apply in some way to me. The article says that if at least half apply to my that I am an empath. So I am still interested in this theory I can not base my future on one article. The things I believe apply to me apply and the things that don't don't. I don't think most put this much time and consideration into most internet survey's but again. That would not be me.
Giving credit where it is due. I got my list from the following website. http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html
I can tell you what is me. I am the person that sees something like lets say an ambulance in front of a building that I am about to go in and visit my mother and I think oh God, something is wrong with mom. And I think most people would walk in and find the person they are looking for fine and and feel relieved. No that would not be me. I see a couple medical staff people standing over my mom with machines hooked up to her checking her blood pressure and her oxygen levels and say she was feeling weak and thought she was going to pass out. She now looks worse than she has looked in weeks and I thought we were making progress. So enough about my life lets see if I am an Empath or at least Empathetic
1. Just knowing. Well I often feel as though I know things before they happen or I will think a thought and then it happens. May not have anything to do with me and I may have no way of affecting the thing to happen. But still somehow I know.
2. Public places may be overwhelming. This one is a no for me. I do not like to be crowded together with people but I do not mind being out in public.
3. Feeling others emotion., Sometimes I do feel like I know what others are feeling but I have always based that on similar experiences.
4. Watching violence is unbearable. I have never been able to watch blood and guts movies but more recently I can not see or even hear stories of violence or cruelty. It is too upsetting to me. After Hurricane Katrina I told Brian we could not watch anymore about it on TV if I can not go help I cannot know anymore.
5. You know when someone is not being honest. I can call Brian out on a fib quicker than anyone else but I usually get a feeling if someone is not telling the truth. On the reverse side it is nearly impossible for me to lie about a lot of things.
6. Picking up physical symptoms of others. I do not think this applies to me but my mother will definitely feel bad if I say that I do.
7. Digestive problems. No, not me again. Got a stomach like a steal trap.
8. Always looking out for the underdog. I do feel like the loosing team should win but as well when someone has a weakness I like to share their strength.
9. Others will want to offload their problems on you. People have always felt they can share with me. Again I always know when I need to share with others. To show that they aren't alone.
10. Constant Fatigue. I have had problems with this as an adult. Some have been caused by physical problems. I am exhausted or feel drained a lot.
11. Addictive personality. Another no. But definitely a family trait. I think that I avoid things that I could be addicted to.
12. Drawn to healing. This one also mentioned an interest in supernatural. This I have an interest in anything that can not be explained. I just want to understand Why or How it works. My father's mom used to go to all kinds of churches because she wanted to understand what they believe. Even healers. I have always found that fact to be very interesting.
13. Creative. My imagination is incredible and I love art, writing, photography and music.
14. Love of nature and animals. I am not an outdoors person but I love it when the weather is nice. I have always loved animals. I cannot see an animal in need of help without helping. Have to limit myself when it comes to homeless animals. I could take them all home if I could take care of them. I do know the difference.
15. Need for solitude. I am happy home alone in the silence. I drive now a lot in silence. I even realized a few weeks ago the reason I do not like the electric toothbrush is that I do not like the noise. I really prefer silence or music.
16. Get bored or distracted easily. My imagination can go down a path unnecessarily when listening to another person talk. But as long as I am busy at work it is easy to stay focused on the task at hand.
17. Finds it impossible to do things the do not enjoy. Could be considered lazy. I wish it was impossible but most of the time I can be guilted into whatever someone else wants for the good of the whole.
18. Strives for the truth. When someone lies and I catch them I am very disappointed. All I ask is for the truth.
19. Always looking for answers. This goes back to wanting to understand things and how they work and always why.
20. Likes adventures. Adventures within reason. Attainable goals. I enjoy the water but don't need to scuba dive in it. Like to fly but don't need to jump out of an airplane.
21. Abhors clutter. This is a Big NO. I wish it bothered me more but I can tolerate clutter as long as I know where everything is.
22. Loves to daydream. Favorite pass time other than reading.
23. Finds rules and routines imprisoning. I like rules. Not stupid rules and I decide what is stupid or not.
24. Prone to carry weight without overeating. Well I hope this is why but I believe I eat more calories than I work off and that is why I am heavy.
25. Excellent listener. I would be a good counselor but the problem is that I would then worry for the people I counseled. So maybe not so good at it after all.
26. Intolerant of narcosis. Used to work for one. Now I don't. I could list all the reasons but they already know because they know everything.
27. Feels the days of the week. This was confusing at first but it is like being excited about Friday even if you have to work all weekend. I do this sometimes. Or dread Monday even though I don't have to work.
28. Will not choose to by vintage or antique things. This is in regards to the energy the item carries. I feel when buying something that is old or used I sometimes wonder about the woman who owned an old cookbook or a person that previously read the book I am reading. So no but maybe I wouldn't buy something that I felt a negative energy about but I don't think that has ever happened.
29. Senses the energy of food. This is the sensing of the energy from the animal that you are eating. I cannot think about this because I could not eat it if I thought about it.
30. Can be shy, aloof or moody. Sometimes to the negative. I have said that my happiness pendulum often swings to sad more than most. I can be withdrawn when I worry. It is hard to be happy and worrying at the same time. When I am up and on my A game. I am a fun loving person. But when I am not, I am not.
Ok. So I have counted and I am feel that 19 of the signs do apply in some way to me. The article says that if at least half apply to my that I am an empath. So I am still interested in this theory I can not base my future on one article. The things I believe apply to me apply and the things that don't don't. I don't think most put this much time and consideration into most internet survey's but again. That would not be me.
Giving credit where it is due. I got my list from the following website. http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html
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