A few of my favorite things.

I thought it has been a while since I shared things I like. So here are a few of my favorite things.

Favorite Movies
Sound of Music
Ever After
Practical Magic
Hope Floats
Juno
Picture Perfect
I could go on and on. I like feel good movies. Happy Endings. And a tear for the loss there always is.

Favorite TV shows of my youth
Leave it to Beaver
Bewitched
I Dream of Jeannie
Monkees
Partridge Family
Brady Bunch
Mary Tyler Moore
Love Boat

Favorite Music
Carpenters (Top of the World)
John Denver (Poems, Prayers and Promises) Brian's favorite if he has to admit it is (Grandma's Feather Bed)
Billy Joel (Scenes from an Italian Restaurant and She's Got a Way)
Monkees (Daydream Believer)
Adele (Make you feel my love and Rolling in the Deep)
Nora Jones (Don't know why)
Barbara Streisand (Memory and Someone that I used to Love)

Favorite Books
The Bean Trees
One Million Cats
The Cat that went to Heaven
The Christmas Tree
Little House on the Prairie series


You can see from the selections listed I have very simple and modest selection of favorites. For the most part the things I like are from the past. I am very nostalgic for the things I love and enjoy sharing them with others. I guess I just like that things were simple even if they are not always easy for me. I like the idea of spending an afternoon reading a book in the hammock or going to the beach and have the water be calm and clear. Guess that is the perfect life for me for things to be calm and clear with a light breeze.

Happy Anniversary Blog!

Since I have an hour of peace before I have to start getting ready for work I thought I would start on my one year anniversary blog entry.  So the first thing I thought I would do is look back and see how I have done.

I have written 45 blogs all but 2 have been published. I don't know if I will ever finish them or move on past them. Of the 45 I have written I have 2 different blogs. Day One the first I started with my rules and my poem,For the Love of Lilly. I have used that for world news and views of the world and the people who share this planet with me. The second is Sunshine and Shadows. This blog is a reflection of myself. I write about my relationships with friends, family and my values, memories and travels.

When I sat down today I wanted to check out some statistics on blogging. I found one site that says 60% of bloggers are guys. Only 40% girls. Guess that is not bad. Even though adult women between 21 and 35 read over 50% of the blogs. Most that write blogs do not make money from them even the ones with advertising. I do not have advertising. No subtle mention of some product I do not believe in. Anything I talk about is all me.

One of the pages I read said write about a subject you know about and like and that you should write a draft then sleep on it and make changes the following day. For the most part when I am writing I sit down to start I will stay in the chair until I am finished. I am usually home alone. It is easier for me to think without interruptions. I have my satellite radio playing a station with no commercials that plays Pop, Rock and Folk music. A pleasant mix I can sing along with.

Usually the reason I sit down to write is that something is in my head and I can not let it go. I find it easiest to write it out and share it than to keep it inside. I do have a few subjects that are inside that bubble to the top but I don't know if I am ever going to share. And some of you may think what the heck could it be. You'll just have to wait and see. I have tried to stick with my rules I began with. I try not to talk about others at least not directly. I have written blogs for, or should I say to friends. Even when it is not my situation the opinion I am writing about is all mine. Brian is the first to hear my blog. I read it out loud to him. I listen to his opinion but I am going to write what I am going to write. I just don't want to hurt anyone.


I have had over 1750 hits to my blogs. I am still amazed by all the places that people have read my blog from: US, Russia, Germany, Sweden,  Philippines, United Kingdom, Netherlands, France, Indonesia, Israel, Malaysia and Poland my newest.

The countries are listed in order of hits.  I am still amazed by the number of people and where they are from. I want to say Thank you to all of you for reading along. I am not sure how many have read all of my blog posts or just one. Either way if you walk away thinking then I have done my job. All I want out of my blogs is a good nights sleep. It may seem crazy but that is usually what I get. My conscious is clear and my mind is no longer cluttered with worry or anxiety. 

In the next few weeks I have thought about starting another blog. I have 2 ideas one has to do with places named for people and what they did to get a park or street named for them. The other is to write about books that I have read. Not ones that are popular today but older books. Some of my favorites have been older books. Maybe not considered classics but still well worth the read. If you have an opinion or a favorite book or place you want to know about let me know. It may help me make my decision. I will still continue Sunshine & Shadows. It has earned a place in my heart and I hope yours.

Lets tie it up and put a bow on the Family Vacation

 So we have completed the family trip to Kentucky. It was everything a family vacation should be. Long, Tiring, Fun and a success.

Mom got to show the kids all her favorite places in Kentucky. The kids got to find a place they would like to visit again. Maybe even bring their own kids back as Emily said.



We headed out on Friday. Got a great start. Stopped in Macon. Had a great barbecue dinner in a place that played country music older than me.

 

Al and Paul Tennessee Valley RR

Saturday we drove into Chattanooga, TN. Drove through a tunnel. Rode a railroad through another tunnel twice and learned all about steam trains and the city of Chattanooga in the Civil War. Down by the river is an open area that has a small version of the Tennessee river for you to walk across the stepping stones and soak your feet. Sit in the shade. Enjoy the flowers and a view of the real river. We were going to go to the aquarium but it was getting late and expensive so we skipped it and moved on towards are goal of Nashville but getting confused and rain stopped us from stopping there. We again moved on and Al missed on the two things he wanted a night out and to see the aquarium. We will do that part again.



We stopped in White House, TN at a Days Inn. It had a wood over where the front door should be. The guy said search White House Days Inn on You Tube. There had been an accident and a man drove through the front of the building. Paul had to see the video. Just video of after the fact. No video of the actual accident.

Paul and Abe

Sunday morning we were in Kentucky before we knew it. First stop, Hodgenville, Kentucky. The birthplace of Abraham Lincoln. The center of town has two statues. Abe as a boy and another as President. The Presidential statue has been there since his 100th birthday. The boyhood statue is newer. Took some pictures of Paul with his hero's statue. We then drove down Hwy 31 E south towards Mammoth Cave. Drove through corn fields and soy bean fields. Saw old barns and new houses. Beautiful rolling hills and a deer in the middle of a field. We had to make a u-turn for our first deer. Went to the National Park at Knob Creek where Abe's boyhood home stood. Saw a tree that had been standing from the late 1700's through when the Lincoln's lived there and was taken down in the 1980's. Showed the rings inside the tree and and markers for important times in history. It was very cool. Paul filled out a Jr Ranger booklet and got a Jr Ranger badge. We all learned a lot about the area and the time he lived there. There is a spring in the park near where the Lincoln's house would have been. We walked down and it is amazing to stand in a place you know that Abraham Lincoln once stood and got his drinking water. It was also a place where people traveling west would have stopped for water in that time. Mom met up with a lady and sat and chatted she does not live far from the park and likes to hang out and visit with people. We could have left mom there to hang out all day.

We moved further south and stopped in Park City outside Mammoth Cave and had a late lunch and then got to Mammoth Cave National Park. Funny how you get off the exit even the things that have changed are somehow familiar. Big Mike's a place to buy you souvenir and tour a fun house for fifty cents. Paul had to do it twice. Once by himself then when Emily and Ashley got there he had to do it again with them.

The next day we went to Diamond Caverns. Al wanted to pan for gems. So he and the kids with the assistance of Beth and Billie paned for gems. Found some pretty rocks. Not sure if any are worth anything but they all had a good time. That afternoon the kids became little spluenkers and took a kid only tour through the cave. I think they all liked it. Ashley liked crawling through the cave on her belly. Cooked out on the grill and made s'mores. Yum.

Tuesday, Al, Mom and I started off for a drive but found one of the tires to be low. Went into town to have that taken care of first. Beth and Billie took the kids on a hike down to the river. The kids had a great story of how Beth went where she shouldn't but clawed her way out and was filthy dirty with the red clay. Good thing she had a spare pair of shoes. That afternoon we took the family cave trip. Everyone went. The kids saw cave crickets by the 100's and a single bat welcomed us from high on the ceiling. Stalactite's hold tight to the ceiling and stalagmites may grow up from the floor of the cave to become a column. We had a great guide Jamie. We had explained that the kids were the 5th generation to the cave and he said there is a guide that works there that is a 5th generation guide. His family started off as slaves giving tours. Wish we could have met him but we did run into a guide there that taught us about stalactites and stalagmites many years ago named Joe. Joe has been at the park himself for 53 years. Can't imagine the number of tours and expeditions he has been on in the park. It was drizzling when we got out but we were going to cook out again. Beth went over and started cooking with the aid of Emily and I helped Paul and Ashley with their Jr Ranger books for this park. Each age group had to do so many activities for bat points to get their badge. Since we had the whole evening. The over achievers completed almost every page and the next morning got a badge and certificate for their achievement. Quick trip through the exhibit and gift store then off to Louisville.

First stop Churchill Downs which was not open so we could not walk out to the track but we showed them the twin spires that you always see on tv and the names across the top of the building for all the past winners. We had lunch there and then headed past mom's old neighborhood. We had walkie talkies between cars and Beth had all the kids so we did a play by play driving tour through downtown. Here is where grandma went to school, here is where she lived. Here is where your great-great grandfather used to work and the L&N building (Louisville & Nashville Railroad). Around the block and to Louisville Slugger. Somethings have changed and some are the same. We did the factory tour. The last time we were there everything was hand done. Now machines. One guy that showed us how it used to be done and it would take 20 minutes to make a bat and now 2 machines spitting out bats in 30 seconds. Not quite the same. They are still hand dipped if they are stained and the logo is hand burned into the bats and everyone gets a little bat for taking the tour.

Next stop, Calvary Cemetery. I knew this was not the highlight for anyone but me and mom but we did it. Showed the kids where their relatives are. Saw some really cool old headstones. Tried to get by another but it was closed and getting late. Needed to get to the relatives for dinner. The kids had the best time there. Swam in the pool that had to be freezing because the air temp was only in the 70's. Dinner was great. Some of mom's 2nd cousins were there. We all visited then we hit the road towards Bardstown.



My Old Kentucky Home



Talbott Tavern
Bardstown, Kentucky



Jane and Jim Yearout
Mammoth Cave, Ky



Entance to Mammoth Cave

2013



This week sure did go by fast but I am exhausted. Stayed in Bardstown. The most beautiful small town in the country. Really. Stopped in at the Talbott Tavern. A Pony Express stop from 1779 or as the kids like to call it the haunted hotel. Yes. This is the one that Brian and I stayed at years ago. They had a bad fire in the 1990's and are still working on getting part of it back. But part of the fire damage is still seen in the old bar. The cross beams have scorch marks and so does some of the stone. We then went around the down square and a few more blocks south and took the kids to My Old Kentucky Home State Park.



Perryville Battlefield

 You now have to pay to just walk the grounds but at least kids are free. Billie and I took the kids out walked around the house. Explained who Stephen Foster was and that he wrote the state song for both Kentucky and Florida. Everything was to show kids the tie from Kentucky to them. Last stop on the trip before heading home was Perryville Battlefield. The only Civil War battle that was fought in Kentucky. Yes we have a relative that was killed in Perryville during the battle. Oct 1862. Drove through the battle gounds. Stopped and played and had lunch at the picnic area. All we have left is the drive home. As the hills of Kentucky fade in the rearview mirror the memories lighten and the smiles are fresh and yes. We are on are way home.













Friends

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies,

Today how would you round your real friends up to help you move a body or bodies? In the days of my youth I would pick up the phone at the house. Pull the phone cord into the bedroom and talk to one of my school friends on the phone until 3 in the morning. If I needed to let two friends know something that would mean 2 phone calls. Hmm.

As I got older and had less contact with the friends of my youth I would send a Christmas card  or for a few write a letter. The same way my mother and hers before her. I have my friends addresses and phone numbers written in an address book that I have had since I was 18. Everything has been status quo, and I am good with that.

Then email came along. I was never one for forwarding the joke that everyone in the world had already heard and refuse to pass on a chain letter. That was old in middle school. But I have a small group of friends that I have kept in touch with through email. We plan lunch and get togethers. Comfort each other in times of loss and celebrate each others joys. Email has been an easy way to get a message out without making multiple phone calls and everyone can read it on their own schedule and reply back. Plans can be made. Remember we have a body to move.

I have noticed lately that I talk on the phone less with even the friends that I regularly used to talk on the phone to. Texting and Facebook have come into play. Texting is fine you still have the one on one communications. I have a friend that we text each other once a week back and forth a few times. Talk about work and whatever else is going on. Again not limited to a single conversation. We can text back and forth all afternoon while working on break or at home. And still make plans and communicate about this body we need to move. I like the one on one conversation.

So we are down to Facebook. This would obviously not be the best method to contact a real friend to help you move a body.

1. It is posted online for all your friends to read. Maybe even one of the bodies you need help with moving.
2. People that read it could share it and then well your gonna have a real mess on your hands.
3. What if your real friend is not a Facebook friend or worse yet they are but they are busy playing Candy Crush Saga and did not see your message. Sorry, I mean Status.

See this is where I have not quite got it. I started using Facebook just last summer. After spending a few weeks with my teenage and 20 something nieces. They lived away from us and this gives me a way to see what they are up to. They do not send email they are better with texting. It is like pulling teeth to get someone this young or younger to talk on the phone. The youth of today have so many more distractions than during my youth. Yet they multitask like fools. They can watch tv and text and Facebook and never notice you are in the same room. Well sometimes they notice. Just kidding girls. But the youth today can do all those things at once. At dinner instead of saying we need to turn off the tv, Now it is don't bring your phone to the table. A little face time. No, not Facetime but actual face time. You know person to person.

I know this is crazy talk for some of you but now we still have a body to move and it is 3:22 in the morning. So do I unfriend the person on Facebook that I want to get rid of. Do I leave them as friends even though I don't care for what they have to say? No. That is not the answer because if you are my friend on Facebook you are my friend. Well for the most part. There are a few people who sent me friend requests that I have accepted that I have no interest in what is going on in their lives and never did. Not when we worked together or when they obviously thought we were friends. I know I am carrying on but again friends are complicated now. It used to be cut and dry. You don't send me a Christmas card for a few years and I think well they dropped off the face of the earth or they have no interest in hearing from me. No more card.

So another thing about Facebook friends. I do not have a lot. I did not know that until I was looking at someone's profile the other day and saw they had 500 friends. And what the heck are followers? Stalkers? People you are not friends with that want to know what you are doing anyway? So I looked to see how many friends I had only about 50, Hmm. Well let me check out a few more people oh well. I guess I am not doing something right in the Facebook world or am I. I do prefer to limit my friends to friends. To share things with my new Brighthouse friends and my old Eckerd friends. A few friends from my youth and my 2 of the 3 nieces. Well one decided that Facebook is not for her right now. I am good with that to. But I see that people cut off their friends not quietly in the night under the cover of darkness do they unfriend them but publicly call out the people that do not agree with them and tell them to unfriend them.

Friendship is not always about agreeing with everything your friend says. Sometimes you have to disagree. I prefer again the phone call ot face to face but sometimes when asked or not I will answer and let someone know they are wrong. It is not that I am not your friend. I am always your friend. I have always been your friend. We have been there for the fun and for the sorrow. For the birth of kids and weddings. If your life is moving on and you are leaving me and your other friends behind that is ok for now. Because when you come back and ask for that help with the body and 3 AM I am going to be here to help you however I can. If it means telling you something you don't want to hear. If you are a real friend. You will listen and argue and we will come to a conclusion or agree to disagree but we will still be friends. Thick or thin. Facebook or not.

I thought about naming names but then I thought you know who you are. We have always been friends. And always will be in my book. Maybe not on Facebook.

Kentucky Blue Blood

We have 2 weeks to go until our trip to Mammoth Cave. Gonna meet up with some family and see some sites. Go on a Cave Tour. Take a hike or two. Connect with some fresh air and maybe my nieces and nephew. Maybe teach them some of the things that I like. Show them what I see. History.

I have been to Mammoth Cave maybe 3 or 4 times before. And like I said before. My mother, grandmother and great grandmother before me have been there. We have pictures of my grandma and grandfather in front of a sign there maybe in the late 1930's. A picture of my grandma's mom and dad maybe the early teens. So the family has been visiting the park for over a hundred years.  The kids are the 5th generation visiting this place that has stood still in time. Well not quite still but as for the rest of the world that is wizzing by just like the interstate passing by outside the park. The park makes us pull off that exit and stop a while. The land seems to move at a much slower pace. Which in turn makes you slow down a little. Not quite as much a rush. See the deer and the wild turkey as you drive around the park. Almost like they know that they are safe because their land protects them. Thanks to forward thinking people the progress of time stopped at the gate. And was asked to hold up awhile for the future.

Wish they still had the boat ride. It was great. Sunset cruise down the Green River. Now their is a job for me. I would get my Captains license for that kind of gig. See the racoons washing up before dinner some deer getting a drink. Just a lot of quiet green trees and cool breeze off the water. Kinda reminds me of another place I have visited.

These places make me want to turn off the tv go outside. Take a walk. Read a book. Not just take a tour have lunch and move on to the next place on our list of places to visit down the highway.

It makes me wonder if the tie back in time to the bluegrass of Kentucky and the hills is not deeper than my memories. Maybe it goes back further. Maybe somehow I know how peaceful it is there because it is in my blood.  My very DNA has blue grass, green water and bourbon running through my veins. I really don't care for the bourbon but I thought it sounds good.

Just like Mammoth Cave when I visit Churchill Downs, I have been there before. Even been there on a race day for a Family Reunion. We had a box. This is not an affair to show up in shorts. There is a dress code. But I found it to be part of the experience. Sit at the table have a meal and a drink. When a race starts place your wager at a box where you don't wait in line and then walk out on the balcony and watch the race. Then back inside for another drink and drowned your sorrows or bask in the glory of a good race. Not a Derby but I would like to do it once. No hat for me that day but Another place the family has been going for a long time. I would like the kids to know that Grandma used to go when she was a young girl and hang out on the back side of the track with the jockeys. She would take mom and her sister to the track when they were kids. If I don't teach the kids who one will.

No one else is going to tell them that one of the their great great grandfathers built the base of the Daniel Boone statue in Cherokee park in Louisville a place we went when we were kids and my mom before that and hers too. See how the pattern goes so if not me who else will tell the kids that if they go to St. Louis Cemetery and you drive to the back and look towards the back wall there is a concrete statue of a old time English Bobby (policeman) when they see that statue and turn around their great great grand parents graves are right there along the road. There used to be a concrete curb that said Raser (their last name). And if you turn back towards the policeman at head to their 10 o'clock and walk half way up the hill is more family. Mathison's they would be my great great grandma's people as they say up there.  And from there we drive over to Calvery Cemetery and stay on the road to the right and on a hill you will see a large statue of Jesus praying, right in front of him are some more family. Which is funny because in Sylvan Abbey here in Clearwater when you drive in and stay to the left find the same statue and my grand parents are in front of it about half way in from the road.


Does anyone else know or cares about this stuff but me. So it is gone once I am gone. I doubt my 3rd cousins that live up there take their kids to the cemetery. I don't even know anyone else that knows their 3rd cousins. It is only on my mom's side of the family tree this one branch that stayed in the same area for so long. Over 100 years, since the Civil War. Abraham Lincoln was president. And my family lived in Louisville.

During the flood in the 1937 when the Ohio River rose over 50 feet my grandmother's cousins had to stay at her house because theirs was flooded. There are signs on posts downtown that show that this was one of the worst disasters of it's time.  When looking up at the post and try to imagine what it was like I am amazed. Another sign of the past that is ignored by the present. My mom said the only thing that used to be outside the flood walls were fishing shacks but not anymore. River front is water front and that is pricey land. Why would anyone build there? Because nothing like that has happened in years. Well we all know that sort of reasoning will not save you from rising water. Just ask residents of New Orleans.

All of this is history. My history. Emily, Ashley, Paul and Alex's history. Some of these people I knew some not. Some of the stories I have heard my grandma and her cousins talk about. Those memories are gone if I do not pass them on to the future. So what is the point. Well the point gentleman is they lived. (Line from Ever After one of my favorite movies.) I just want the kids to know that life did not start when they were born and will not end when we are all gone.

A Family Trip Down Memory Lane

My mother has decided that she would like to take her Grandchildren at least the smaller ones that she can get to go and her children go on a little trip (no a big trip) to her favorite place in the world. Mammoth Cave Kentucky.

Planning this trip makes me think of a lot of thing.s Last time we went Timmy and Alex were just kids. Emily, Ashley and Paul were not born yet. Grandma was with us and her and mom still travelled in the motor home. A great thing to have for someone else. I do not need to be that close to anyone for that long. I like space and privacy. Togetherness is great but not every second of the day. We cooked on the fire everyday even breakfast. Nothing like toast over an open fire and eggs and sausage before a hard day hiking and spelunking (caving).

So far we have Beth and the girls, Billie and Paul, Al, Mom and me. WooHoo. I am not sure how Tori's getting out of this but she should feel obligated to go but that is something only a few of us get.  Which is kinda the point of this trip. I started going to Kentucky when I was about 8. I have been many more times than the rest of them and I know the drill. A trip to Kentucky means to hit the favorites and the obligations.
Depending on who you ask could be any or all of the items on the itinerary.

Mom wants to teach the kids about the family heritage and our history. This part I get. Well I get the whole thing but I am the only one who see's every ones agenda. Billie would like to do something with Paul that Paul will not only enjoy but learn something from so we are going to Springfield, Kentucky where Abraham Lincoln was born. He is cool in Paul's book right now. Mom wants to go to Mammoth Cave and hit the highlights in Louisville, Bardstown and Perryville. This takes care of the family history back to the Civil War which is cool but may be lost on the kids and their mothers. Oh and don't forget Al who would just like to find a bar to hang out and have a few beers. I get it all. I don't even want to mention that I would like a pit stop in Nashville to go to the Antique Archeology store. You know the American Pickers.

See this is a tough group to travel with. Why are we not taking husbands. Well someone needs to watch the dogs. Jeff is on crutches and who needs to add those wasps in the hornets nest of women and Al anyway. Wally would like to go Brian wants to have a party and like I said Jeff is on crutches.

A few days apart isn't going to kill any of us. And adding all those opinions to what to do next and where to eat and who is going to drive and when do we stop. Please.

So today Beth and I tried to work out the details at least a rough draft of a plan so we know if it is all do able or not.

Do able it is but I will need a vacation when I return. This is the problem with going this distance with so many people. Brian and I used to be able to make the trip in 15 hours in one day. Oh that brings me back to how many times I have made this trip. I would guess I am probably on trip 8 or 9. Sometimes Brian and I have done it on own. We have met mom and grandma and we have done the whole family thing.

When it comes to Louisville, Ky this is where my mom, grandmother, great-grandmother and great-great grandmothers were born. Which is how we get to the Civil War and Perryville, Ky, One of my g-g-greatgrandfathers was killed in the battle of Perryville. It is now a State Park but I did feel a tie to the area when I have visited. I guess I would like the kids to feel it to. Maybe just one of them. That can take from the trip a sense of place, a place that they are from but have never lived. A sense of the history from the War to the L&N Railroad that my Great Grandfather worked for. Churchill Downs a place where my Grandmother went when she was young. The cemetery where all these ancestors are buried has always been on the list. Grandma has been with us all the times in the past and her parents are buried in Calvary(the newer of the old cemeteries), her grandparents are in St. Louis the older cemetery and now this time Grandma's cousins are in the newest of the ones our family is in Evergreen. Facts that will be lost after me if no one cares to remember. This is what Mom doesn't want to happen. I left out Louisville Slugger, and a family visit at least dinner.

My Grandmother would travel with her father on the railroad to Florida every year when she was young. Another place near Bardstown we used to stop is Nazzareth, Ky which is as we say where the nuns live. The Sisters of Charity was one of the groups that my Great Grandfather used to travel with. Grandmother used to like to stop in and see the place and reminisce. Brian and I have stopped on our own as well. We pulled in one morning and the Chapel windows were open and we could hear the sisters singing as we pulled in. We said it was angels singing. The place changes every time we visit but we stop and say how we relate to the place. How we tie back to it. Bardstown. Is very cool. Just a town that has the oldest Pony Express stop west of the Appalachian mountains. A bullet hole in the wall where supposedly Jesse James was shot. Fried Green Tomatoes, Fried Chicken and a Hot Brown and a very cool Tavern. This is also Bourbon Country, not to far is the home of Makers Mark and many other fine bourbons.

Have I missed anything oh yes. Mom said last night she has always wanted to go to Plains, Georgia. The hometown of President Jimmy Carter.  I lost Beth hear but had to reel her back for the Louisville, Bardstown part.

It is going to be a fun trip that we will all remember forever. I know we still talk about the last time we did this trip. Not often as adults you travel with your parents. There is probably a reason for it but it will be fun.

3 weeks to go.

Anxiety

I have been a little slacking on the blogging front. You know the feeling when things are going good and you don't have anything to worry about. In those times I don't really have a lot to say. Pre-vacation euphoria. Vegas was Great. Brittany's birthday was a success. Did not rest much those last few days but would have liked to squeeze more in. Life is good. Then Bam. Back to reality.

So my anxiety level is up since returning. Lots of things going on. Brian reminded me today that sometimes I absorb other people's anxieties and worries but I have plenty of my own. I just don't like the feeling that my skin is electrified. Maybe vibrating. Not chills but actual vibrations. I have to go back to my ninja training to remember to picture a lake with no ripples. This is the picture I use to calm my heart rate. I imagine something a photographer told me once. Clyde Butcher who takes incredible images of The Everglades showed us a picture and said that he was in the water when taking this particular shot and he was using a large format camera which is probably about 60 or 70 lbs of tripod and camera. The tripod is in the water so that he has the least motion he floats during the exposure and the ripples you see in the water is from his heart beating and him breathing. So I try to picture that and make my heart beat so slow that it would not cause a ripple in the water.

Another trick I use is the deep breathing like I am blowing up a balloon and letting the air out. Deep breath in... Then long breath out... and count One...Two... One...Two... This does two things slows my breathing and all the thoughts that are zipping through my head have to pause for me to count.  These things probably seem silly to those of you who do not worry. Those of you whose thoughts pass through your brain smooth as an ice cold lemonade on a summer day. Well Thank God for you.

Funny thing about anxiety. Some people like to talk through it others are quiet. I am the quiet one who wants to sleep through it. Oh yeah they call that depression. It is but not. That t-shirt I have hanging in the closet you know like "Got Milk" mine could say "Got Depression" or "Got Anxiety". I laugh but when these feelings come back after being gone for so long. I wonder why. Life, Work, Family all of it contributes I guess but now that I am over the cliff, I am just trying to bring myself back to where I was. Pull myself back up over the cliff. Which reminds me that I am not always strong in this category. Not sure I can do it. Always questioning if what I am doing is right or not. This is crazy. No. Not crazy, just depressing. Suffocating.

I want to be successful but when I get these feelings I am not sure I can. Sometimes it seems easier to fail. I know this does not seem like something I would say but it is how I feel. I am not to the point of tears at the drop of a hat but I am not far off either. Wish I understood what makes me this way. Mentally, physically. But there is no blood test for this. It is life and life is a work in progress. So I will reflect back on previous posts and remind myself that I have gotten through worse before and again this feeling will pass.

So as I climb this mountain that the top is fogged in and not sure where the crevasses are either. I know I can make my way to the top. I have to.  Others rely on me to show them the way.