Today is Tuesday a strange day to think of my religion or faith. But today is the Inaugural Mass of Pope Francis. Most who read probably did not watch the Mass on TV. But I have been watching the events from the Vatican for the last few weeks.
It is funny in 1978 I was 10 my mother sat us down in front of the TV and said you may not see an election of a Pope again until you are an adult. As strange as learning about the white or black smoke. It was still fresh in our minds less than 2 months later when we were sitting in the same place again. Watching it again. I did not know that we now would not see it again until we were adults. I know now it would not be until 2005 in April. I had come home from work for lunch and again sat and watched the white smoke. My car died on the way back to work. The following day I got a new car. Now here in the same house I watched in 2005 in 2013 I again watched for the smoke. It did not come until I had left for work. When I got to work I saw the news that a new Pope had been elected.
In my life my Grandma Helen went to Rome and visited the Vatican. It was the same year as my First Communion. She brought me back a crystal rosary in a pink plastic box with a picture of the Vatican on it. I have only carried it on special occasions but twice last year. My nieces Emily and Ashley and nephew Paul's First Communion and for my Grandmother's Funeral.
Today I watched the Mass and thought of my Catholic Heritage. My parents both grew up in Catholic households. My mom went to Catholic School. Grandma Helen was a pillar of the Church. Someone I could not live up to her standards and Aunt Jan who did readings for church and spent time in many Abbeys with Monks and Priests.
I do not think my sisters sat their kids in front of the TV so I do not think the importance was impressed upon them even though they are at the same ages we were for the elections of both John Paul and John Paul II. So will the tradition carry on. Will they be faithful?
Pope Francis. First of all I love the name and can not believe there has never been a Pope named Francis before. St. Francis of Assisi and his animals. Of course that speaks to me. And his vow to poverty. In this day and age I think it is a bold sign for a man of his stature to make a point to go back to his hotel and pay his bill himself. Just seeing that act made me think this man has character and pride as well as a true sense of what is right.
I don't even believe that he has to live a life of poverty but to live a life of a more common man. Not to be above the rest of us but stand with us in our hour of need. Not to pray over you but hold your hand when you need it to be held. I saw an example of that this week at church myself. Ther Rev. Ramiro Ros filling in this week for Vicki while she holds the hand of her mother as she fights her battle with Leukimia.
Rev. Ros spoke of a sad time in a friends life after he had just become a grandfather. His grandson suddenly passed away. He said God gives us children but doesn't tell us for how long. Words that of course spoke to me. I nudged Brian. Sometimes I don't see that things touch him like me. Well I start crying so you can not miss when words like this touch me. But Rev went on to say the "Peace of God that surpasses all understanding." Only through Grace and Mercy in the midst of awful painful situations when you feel this Grace. It is as though something dark has been lifted and you are now free. I had a similar feeling once before. I was at church at this Lenten time of the year. The priest that was saying Mass said that if you come to confession this week. I will hear your confession and take your pain away with me back to Chicago. I thought about it hard. I do not like confession no one wants to dwell on the times you have done wrong or not done right. But on Wednesday night I went I was there early. I waited and did my confession and as I spoke to the Priest I told him of my sins but also that his words had brought me there. I wanted the pain to go that I carry with me. And not that it was a miracle but I was suprized that I did feel a weight lifted and when I think of those times I think of him not even remembering me but taking my pain with him. So as the Reverend said at the end of his Sermon, "Bring the situation to God and even for the 100th time He will give you the Peace of God."
Normally when we leave church we go out the side door. We do not stick around Brian and I both have to go to work. But this Sunday I said lets go out the back. We followed the crowd. And stopped for a moment and Brian shook hands with the Reverend. I said Brian tell him of your loss. Of course this is not in his nature. He like me would rather suffer in silence alone at this moment. The Reverend moved me after Brian told him that he had recently lost 3 generations in a murderous act. The Reverend hugged Brian and prayed for peace to come to him. Now just thinking about it I can feel the tears. I know to most of the world that was 10 months ago but it is still as fresh as a paper cut. I do not know that the thoughts and memories from last May will ever be less fresh in my mind but I pray for Brian and his family. I pray for the Peace and Grace of God and today I also pray for Pope Francis. Who I believe after just a week he understands this Grace and Mercy and how special it is to be chosen as he has.
Amen.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Convictions
Like that title? Makes you wonder. Am I talking about a trial? Well in a way. I spoke to the Mayor of Clearwater this morning. He woke me, because I had left a message at his office last week. I said that I did not like the idea of selling the property City Hall is sitting on to the Marine Aquarium. He sees it as a move forward or that is what someone has told him to see. We have a 50 year old City Hall that is in disrepair and the Aquarium wants to purchase it. My first thought was but I did not say was I live in a house that is almost 60 years old and when something goes wrong I fix it. I can not afford and did not think the City could either afford to tear down a building and replace it because of some leaking faucets or broken floor tiles. At my house I would hire someone to fix it or figure out how to do it myself.
I offered that I felt the Harborview center was a more appropriate piece of property and that it could more easily draw people downtown. From Crest Lake where the sign points to downtown and used to say to the beach. Could now direct people to the Winter exhibit. It is funny that the Mayor then countered with that City Hall is only a block from the Harborview Center and I thought and isn't it ironic that the way the City directs people to the Winter Exhibit is from Fort Harrison instead of using the large signs near Crest Lake or any other signage to direct people down Cleveland Street. That seems strange to me now. Do they not want downtown to succeed or do they not want people to see that it is not successful?
All of this reminds me of when I was young and my parents were active in the political circles. They would pass out pamphlets, go door to door and drive in caravans of people in support of one candidate or another. My mother was very outspoken when it came to tearing down the old Sea Shell Motel and building the Holiday Inn Surfside. The first tall building built on the North End of Clearwater Beach except for Mandalay Shores. If you don't know what buildings I am referring to. Now it is the Surfside Double Tree and 880 Mandaly that has been standing all my life. I know why it was a big deal. Letting one high rise lends room for another and then another and how many condos can the North End of Clearwater Beach hold. Well I am pretty sure that we have reached the limit of what will ever be lived in considering a good portion are not lived in. But somehow developers are like used car sales men. They can sell ice to Eskimos and a Condo to a bank every time. I used to think what difference does a hotel make or a old building being torn down. But I know now that when Calvary Baptist Church moved out to McMullen Booth and they built what oh yes, a condo building that is what, again empty instead of using it for the Library that was also in disrepair and needing to be replaced. Seeing a pattern. This is where my convictions come. I do not know what is wrong with preserving a beautiful old building that is in good shape. Pinellas County has reached it's saturation point and honestly does not need another condo unit.
I know that most people that live here have not lived here all their lives most probably did not go to school here but those of us that did see pride in saying the attended the Original CHS. Sorry to those other CHS graduates that lived in East Lake Woodlands and went to the New School that barley has 20 years of history under its belt. I liked that I went to a school that had teachers that had gone to school and had some of the same teachers I did. Some of these people I still know and have some of the same values that I do to preserve what is good in this community. Keep an old house as the Clearwater Historical Society.
So this conviction I have infuriates me when I think about what will be left for my nieces and nephews when they are grown. Will they believe that only new things are good and old things should just be thrown out or torn down. Or should they learn that keeping old things in good shape is a way in showing the value to what we have in this world and not everything or everyone is disposable.
I offered that I felt the Harborview center was a more appropriate piece of property and that it could more easily draw people downtown. From Crest Lake where the sign points to downtown and used to say to the beach. Could now direct people to the Winter exhibit. It is funny that the Mayor then countered with that City Hall is only a block from the Harborview Center and I thought and isn't it ironic that the way the City directs people to the Winter Exhibit is from Fort Harrison instead of using the large signs near Crest Lake or any other signage to direct people down Cleveland Street. That seems strange to me now. Do they not want downtown to succeed or do they not want people to see that it is not successful?
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| Sea Shell Motel |
All of this reminds me of when I was young and my parents were active in the political circles. They would pass out pamphlets, go door to door and drive in caravans of people in support of one candidate or another. My mother was very outspoken when it came to tearing down the old Sea Shell Motel and building the Holiday Inn Surfside. The first tall building built on the North End of Clearwater Beach except for Mandalay Shores. If you don't know what buildings I am referring to. Now it is the Surfside Double Tree and 880 Mandaly that has been standing all my life. I know why it was a big deal. Letting one high rise lends room for another and then another and how many condos can the North End of Clearwater Beach hold. Well I am pretty sure that we have reached the limit of what will ever be lived in considering a good portion are not lived in. But somehow developers are like used car sales men. They can sell ice to Eskimos and a Condo to a bank every time. I used to think what difference does a hotel make or a old building being torn down. But I know now that when Calvary Baptist Church moved out to McMullen Booth and they built what oh yes, a condo building that is what, again empty instead of using it for the Library that was also in disrepair and needing to be replaced. Seeing a pattern. This is where my convictions come. I do not know what is wrong with preserving a beautiful old building that is in good shape. Pinellas County has reached it's saturation point and honestly does not need another condo unit.
I know that most people that live here have not lived here all their lives most probably did not go to school here but those of us that did see pride in saying the attended the Original CHS. Sorry to those other CHS graduates that lived in East Lake Woodlands and went to the New School that barley has 20 years of history under its belt. I liked that I went to a school that had teachers that had gone to school and had some of the same teachers I did. Some of these people I still know and have some of the same values that I do to preserve what is good in this community. Keep an old house as the Clearwater Historical Society.
So this conviction I have infuriates me when I think about what will be left for my nieces and nephews when they are grown. Will they believe that only new things are good and old things should just be thrown out or torn down. Or should they learn that keeping old things in good shape is a way in showing the value to what we have in this world and not everything or everyone is disposable.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Me
I always start and have a title. This time I don't. I have not written anything in weeks yet I feel something needs to be written. I have had a few triggers of anxiety in the last week. I applied for a new job and the interview was not my best but I didn't cry. Which does beat some. I get nervous over silly things and know it is silly but still am nervous. Get anxious over the same sort of things. But the difference is in the last few weeks I have not cried or broke down or even shutdown. I have moved past them and kept working. I feel like this is a really good thing but again it makes me nervous. Is the next thing going to be the thing I can not get through. Or am I actually getting to the point that I might someday not be triggered by these events. Might the stress of the unknown not scare me next time. I can only hope.
I am feeling a change. I need a new change not in life but in me. I am not sure I am up to the battle though. I feel like I really need to beat down my weight and though I am feeling stronger. It was not overnight that I accumulated all of it and I know it will not come off overnight either. The thought of this is very stressful and like someone trying to kick any habits my bad ones are food related. This will be a trigger of enormous proportion. Because I think the weight has come with the problems I have faced.
I have always thought that weight will come off when I am ready for it to and I think I am there. I only know that I can do this and it is going to be itty bitty baby steps to get me there. There will be no marathon or hike of Mount Everest in the next few weeks or months. But hopefully a slow and not so painful change for my bad habits to good.
My goal is not in pounds or sizes but improving my eating habits. No scale will be necessary that way I will not get depressed over this attempt at beating what has been for me a life long struggle. A fight that I have battled and given up on so many times.
Like I said at the beginning I was not sure what was going to come out today when I wrote but this is it.
Tomorrow I am off and will go to the grocery and will make good choices and that will be my beginning.
In writing this it has given me ideas to write about. If I can shed the pounds maybe I can share some of the stuff that helped it accumulate. Maybe the combined effort will motivate me to do this and succeed.
I am feeling a change. I need a new change not in life but in me. I am not sure I am up to the battle though. I feel like I really need to beat down my weight and though I am feeling stronger. It was not overnight that I accumulated all of it and I know it will not come off overnight either. The thought of this is very stressful and like someone trying to kick any habits my bad ones are food related. This will be a trigger of enormous proportion. Because I think the weight has come with the problems I have faced.
I have always thought that weight will come off when I am ready for it to and I think I am there. I only know that I can do this and it is going to be itty bitty baby steps to get me there. There will be no marathon or hike of Mount Everest in the next few weeks or months. But hopefully a slow and not so painful change for my bad habits to good.
My goal is not in pounds or sizes but improving my eating habits. No scale will be necessary that way I will not get depressed over this attempt at beating what has been for me a life long struggle. A fight that I have battled and given up on so many times.
Like I said at the beginning I was not sure what was going to come out today when I wrote but this is it.
Tomorrow I am off and will go to the grocery and will make good choices and that will be my beginning.
In writing this it has given me ideas to write about. If I can shed the pounds maybe I can share some of the stuff that helped it accumulate. Maybe the combined effort will motivate me to do this and succeed.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Crazy
For those keeping track this blog this time in life and the way things are going have made me the most sane I have been in years. Probably since Kody died in 2008. (Kody was our dog that we had for 14 years.) Got me through the years of wishing I had a child but did not. I spent all my nurturing energy on a dog that had seizures for most of his life. He took phenobarbital just like humans that have seizures and in his last year had liver failure due to his body processing the drugs all those years. I fixed him home cooked food. Chicken, rice and veggies every week for the last year. When I was told his liver would fail and we did not have long. I asked for a year. The doctor did not think so. I got a year and a month. Kody died the day before my birthday. About 10 days later I had my first Panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack. I had one of my friends from work take me to the emergency room.
I tell you all this because this is what happens when you are tired. Not just tired but exhausted. You do not sleep through the night. You worry about things you would not normally worry about. Oh and I worked in a place that fed you stress pills when you walk in the door and you overdosed on it by the time lunch has passed by. The end of the day came when I dragged myself out the door. But my boss always thought he could get a little more out of me. And I thought well maybe I could work a little harder. This circle of life continued until out of the Grace of God my boss fired me in May of 2011. Best thing that ever happened to me. So from Oct 2008 until May 2011 I learned to manage my anxiety. Ironic thing. I was having a panic attack the last day I worked but was trying to stick it out until the end of the day. So for over 2 years I suffered with depression, anxiety and my favorite Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. One by one these symptoms have fallen away. I am not sure how. My last one has been the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I still have triggers that can put me in a bad place quick but I have learned to manage most of them.
Today the triggers for the PSTD can be something at work or something on TV. Unfortunately with what we have been through since this past May I try to stay away from anything news related. Just seeing the kids from the Sandy Hook Elementary School Choir on the field brought a shiver to my spine and a tear to my eye. I could not even hear their voices. We do not have any sound when watching TV at work. Maybe fighting them one at a time is ok but most I do not think can win against multiple attacks. The exhaustion and the depression and anxiety can really drag a person down.
Now about the Crazy. During my life I have fought these symptoms one at a time for years like a ninja warrior. I thought I was crazy at one point and my best friend Tracy told me that Crazy People do not know they are Crazy. I have referred back to that each time I have felt like I was on that cliff about to plummet to I don't know what comes next. I would say how my life made me feel like I was falling and when I thought I hit bottom it was just a rock I was caught on. It would then break free and then I would be falling again. This was long before Kody or even before I met Brian. So I have had enough experience in this sort of psychology that I should have a PHD of my own.
I tell you this so that you pay attention to yourself. Fight like a ninja when you can but when you can no longer do that get expert help. Without it the true ninja in you will not emerge fighting again one day, one battle at a time as they have been trained to do for centuries.
I tell you all this because this is what happens when you are tired. Not just tired but exhausted. You do not sleep through the night. You worry about things you would not normally worry about. Oh and I worked in a place that fed you stress pills when you walk in the door and you overdosed on it by the time lunch has passed by. The end of the day came when I dragged myself out the door. But my boss always thought he could get a little more out of me. And I thought well maybe I could work a little harder. This circle of life continued until out of the Grace of God my boss fired me in May of 2011. Best thing that ever happened to me. So from Oct 2008 until May 2011 I learned to manage my anxiety. Ironic thing. I was having a panic attack the last day I worked but was trying to stick it out until the end of the day. So for over 2 years I suffered with depression, anxiety and my favorite Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. One by one these symptoms have fallen away. I am not sure how. My last one has been the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I still have triggers that can put me in a bad place quick but I have learned to manage most of them.
Today the triggers for the PSTD can be something at work or something on TV. Unfortunately with what we have been through since this past May I try to stay away from anything news related. Just seeing the kids from the Sandy Hook Elementary School Choir on the field brought a shiver to my spine and a tear to my eye. I could not even hear their voices. We do not have any sound when watching TV at work. Maybe fighting them one at a time is ok but most I do not think can win against multiple attacks. The exhaustion and the depression and anxiety can really drag a person down.
Now about the Crazy. During my life I have fought these symptoms one at a time for years like a ninja warrior. I thought I was crazy at one point and my best friend Tracy told me that Crazy People do not know they are Crazy. I have referred back to that each time I have felt like I was on that cliff about to plummet to I don't know what comes next. I would say how my life made me feel like I was falling and when I thought I hit bottom it was just a rock I was caught on. It would then break free and then I would be falling again. This was long before Kody or even before I met Brian. So I have had enough experience in this sort of psychology that I should have a PHD of my own.
I tell you this so that you pay attention to yourself. Fight like a ninja when you can but when you can no longer do that get expert help. Without it the true ninja in you will not emerge fighting again one day, one battle at a time as they have been trained to do for centuries.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Messages
At Church this morning a story was told that everyone knows. Jesus went to a wedding and turned water into wine. Funny it was his mother that said, Come on Son. This is going to be terrible if something isn't done. Something ordinary as Vicky said into something extraordinary. Which made me think of my life. I have always said what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am sure Vicky reads and goes where did she get that from. But I think of some of the situations in life that I have not only struggled through but come out on the side better for. Here are a couple examples that came to mind this morning.
I had a boyfriend that threatened suicide and left the situation, but then lived with a person that actually tried to kill himself and helped him through it. That was the first time at the age of 23 that I tried to understand depression and why some get worse and others get better. What happens after 72 hours of being Baker Acted as they call it in Florida when you spend your mandatory 72 hours in psychiatric care. What makes you better after 72 hours I asked the doctor. He asked me you don't think your friend is better. I said no how could anyone be any more ready to face the world today than he was on Sunday when he was taken to the hospital. Those words ended a friendship. The Dr met with my friend and said your friend does not feel that you are better and that you need to stay. Well the Dr saw the true colors. No more home after 72 hours but he spent a few more days and got a little more help. The Dr then let my friend call me and cuss me up and down until they decided it was going too far. Because it was my fault. I was to blame for him having to stay. Or was I to blame for him actually getting help.
I have so many stories. I had a customer at the store when I was about 26 that was a known prostitute and it had been thought that she was writing bad checks. Well she came through my line and was making a pretty expensive purchase and I just said I have to verify funds I will be right back and I walked to the office just to see what she would do. Well you think you know what happens next, no way I could have guessed that this lady would bend over as though she was going to pick something off the bottom shelf and as she stood up she fell to the floor having a seizure. I called 911 had the paramedics come. I ripped up the check and put it in her wallet. Never saw her again. But the best part was the old man that walked up to the front counter as my cashier is holding the ladies head so she did not hit anything and I was on the phone with the paramedics and this old man walks up to me in the office and says what do I have to do to get someone to get my pictures. I laugh as I remember my response. Sir as soon as I get this lady off my floor I will happy to get your pictures. Some people don't even see what is going on around them and others step right into it.
These are not days in any ones life but days in my life. This is not turning water to wine but it is digging in and getting through whatever I have somehow gotten into. I think of Mother Teresa and think didn't she ever want to take a day off from always being the one. I know I am no Mother Teresa because I have days that I think that I want a break. Today, I don't want to be the one. I don't want to get involved. But when the situation presents itself you either walk away from the lady having the seizure or you do something to get her help. I just can't walk away.
I do it for anyone. Just present your situation and I will help you or drag you through it. Help you get better and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Which I find funny I can show you the light that some days I can not see. That again goes back to Vicky and her speaking of people having faith. That your faith sometimes gets weak when you are in trouble but mine always gets stronger. The more down I feel the more I do believe that there has to be someone or something dragging me through.
I am going to end with some of my favorite songs of Faith. When I am my saddest I like to listen to music and sing along. And the words are everything. Thankfully for life's ups and downs. I am on an up swing. So here is to hoping you are open to being strong for others or making something ordinary into something extraordinary for someone else.
Here I am Lord
How Great Thou Art
Amazing Grace
Silent Night
Let there be Peace on Earth
I had a boyfriend that threatened suicide and left the situation, but then lived with a person that actually tried to kill himself and helped him through it. That was the first time at the age of 23 that I tried to understand depression and why some get worse and others get better. What happens after 72 hours of being Baker Acted as they call it in Florida when you spend your mandatory 72 hours in psychiatric care. What makes you better after 72 hours I asked the doctor. He asked me you don't think your friend is better. I said no how could anyone be any more ready to face the world today than he was on Sunday when he was taken to the hospital. Those words ended a friendship. The Dr met with my friend and said your friend does not feel that you are better and that you need to stay. Well the Dr saw the true colors. No more home after 72 hours but he spent a few more days and got a little more help. The Dr then let my friend call me and cuss me up and down until they decided it was going too far. Because it was my fault. I was to blame for him having to stay. Or was I to blame for him actually getting help.
I have so many stories. I had a customer at the store when I was about 26 that was a known prostitute and it had been thought that she was writing bad checks. Well she came through my line and was making a pretty expensive purchase and I just said I have to verify funds I will be right back and I walked to the office just to see what she would do. Well you think you know what happens next, no way I could have guessed that this lady would bend over as though she was going to pick something off the bottom shelf and as she stood up she fell to the floor having a seizure. I called 911 had the paramedics come. I ripped up the check and put it in her wallet. Never saw her again. But the best part was the old man that walked up to the front counter as my cashier is holding the ladies head so she did not hit anything and I was on the phone with the paramedics and this old man walks up to me in the office and says what do I have to do to get someone to get my pictures. I laugh as I remember my response. Sir as soon as I get this lady off my floor I will happy to get your pictures. Some people don't even see what is going on around them and others step right into it.
These are not days in any ones life but days in my life. This is not turning water to wine but it is digging in and getting through whatever I have somehow gotten into. I think of Mother Teresa and think didn't she ever want to take a day off from always being the one. I know I am no Mother Teresa because I have days that I think that I want a break. Today, I don't want to be the one. I don't want to get involved. But when the situation presents itself you either walk away from the lady having the seizure or you do something to get her help. I just can't walk away.
I do it for anyone. Just present your situation and I will help you or drag you through it. Help you get better and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Which I find funny I can show you the light that some days I can not see. That again goes back to Vicky and her speaking of people having faith. That your faith sometimes gets weak when you are in trouble but mine always gets stronger. The more down I feel the more I do believe that there has to be someone or something dragging me through.
I am going to end with some of my favorite songs of Faith. When I am my saddest I like to listen to music and sing along. And the words are everything. Thankfully for life's ups and downs. I am on an up swing. So here is to hoping you are open to being strong for others or making something ordinary into something extraordinary for someone else.
Here I am Lord
How Great Thou Art
Amazing Grace
Silent Night
Let there be Peace on Earth
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Blogging Update
So, if you have been following along for the past few months I have spilled my guts in the middle of the night just to get things off my mind. Tonight I am working on another project that if I didn't feel so sick it would drive me to drink. Kidding. I am however sick. So while sitting up tonight I thought I would review some of what I have written and looked back at who has been reading along. In November I did a blog on blogging and offered the opportunity for anyone that would like to share to post and as long as it was appropriate by my standards I would publish it. Well no takers. The offer is always open. So I thought I would share where a few friends and a blogging website has taken me. We are almost to 600 views in the last 5 months on this blog.
I find that to be amazing. Tonight I looked at the map again to see where my readers are from and found some new people are reading along that I do not know.
The top spot is of course the USA.
By the way if I don't know you can post a comment and let me know how you came to find me.
I would like to thank the readers that read along and if you are my friend and reading glad to have you in my life. If it wasn't for real friends and Brian these last 8 months would have been unbearable. If by chance somehow you are reading and find yourself in a terrible place and you do not know how to get out or resolve the problem. Seek help. You are not alone. There are other people that can help you find the answers you are looking for. But the worst thing you can do is try to get through a bad thing by yourself. Sometimes you need a friend to drag you through it or out of it. And if you don't have a friend let me know. I am a good listener as well.
Happy and Healthy 2013
I find that to be amazing. Tonight I looked at the map again to see where my readers are from and found some new people are reading along that I do not know.
The top spot is of course the USA.
2. Philippines
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3. Sweden
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4. Germany
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5. United Kingdom
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6. France
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7. Russia
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8. Israel
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By the way if I don't know you can post a comment and let me know how you came to find me.
I would like to thank the readers that read along and if you are my friend and reading glad to have you in my life. If it wasn't for real friends and Brian these last 8 months would have been unbearable. If by chance somehow you are reading and find yourself in a terrible place and you do not know how to get out or resolve the problem. Seek help. You are not alone. There are other people that can help you find the answers you are looking for. But the worst thing you can do is try to get through a bad thing by yourself. Sometimes you need a friend to drag you through it or out of it. And if you don't have a friend let me know. I am a good listener as well.
Happy and Healthy 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
Touched by God
I am sharing this today because I do not want to carry it with me any longer. It has been written down since the days after it happened. I did not know when to share it. Since it was already written down. Usually for my mind that is enough. I have continually felt that I need to share it but is the time right. Well it is Dec 31 and as the year draws to a close I want to try to look forward not so hard to cause anxiety but not to look back and drop back into depression. So today I share just how God can help a family through such a tragedy. Let it give hope to those that have suffered similar tragedy this year.
We were preparing to attend a private viewing of Brian's sister Lisa, daughter Amber and grand daughter Lilly. First we were going by their house with Brian's parents. They had not been there yet. Brian and I were yesterday but I felt that this might be too much with his parents.
We all got out of the cars and paused at the memorial outside the house. Typical of what you see on TV when some horrific act of violence has taken place. Candles, balloons, stuffed animals and even a children's prayer book and a wooden cross with their names on it. Brian's brother had walked us through the events of the week before yesterday but like I said this is the first time for his parents. Brian's brother and father walked through and Brian and I waited for his mom. I knew she did not need to hear what I heard the day before but I did not know what to say. As we were walking in the house we stopped at the entrance and she saw the bullet hole in the wall. She put her hand up to it and asked if this was where it happened and I said, yes. She looked down to the floor. The carpet had been removed but there was a moving blanket covering the concrete. She said, all of them and I said, Yes. I did not feel anymore details were needed. And I knew knowing more was not going to make it any easier. We went to Brittany's room where an angel as big as the wall was painted by Brian's father when the girls were small to watch over his grand babies. Now the guardian that protected Brittany. As she saved her life while Brittany hid a week before. Another reminder that Brittany's life had been spared. Not once but twice.
As we walked back outside the sky was getting dark. Clouds rolling in. The wind was picking up. One last pause out front a reminder that we would never return.
I have never seen anything but clear skies in Arizona but today was not a normal day. We headed to the funeral home to the viewing I do not think any of us were prepared for. As we arrived the sky was now dark with clouds and the wind blew across an open field so hard it pushed us out of the car and into the funeral home along with huge drops of rain falling. The kind of wind when you open the umbrella it turns inside out. As we all got in the door it slammed shut protecting us from the violent storm outside.
We stood together as a family. Waiting while the last minute flowers were arranged. We held hands and prayed for strength as we did the wind blew outside through the alcove it sounded like screams. It was unreal. I have never heard anything like it before.
The doors opened. Am I prepared? The thought that I had never seen Lilly other than in pictures on Brian's phone. We walked in as a group. Brian and I hung back. His parents walked to Lisa as Hugo and Brittany walked to Amber and Lilly. They are together. I kept thinking can I do this?
I don't remember which we went to first. Amber and Lilly together. Beautiful Lilly. Her little hand wrapped around Amber's finger. She is adorable. Why had we never visited? And Amber the last time we saw her she and Brittany were trying to take care of themselves after the car accident that had hospitalized their mom for 9 months.
We greeted friends and family. Lilly's father part of me wanted to blame him. But it is no more his fault than anyone else. Lisa had only a few very close friends. I don't remember their names but there were 2 of them that visited with her and provided moral support. They were very supportive today especially of Brittany. God help her. Amber's husband Brandon, we told them to wait to get married but young people do what young people do.
It is now just drizzling out. I stood outside with Brian. Brandon came over and said he remembered us visiting the last time and what a great time the girls had with us. Again I thought to blame. But it would again not do any good.
We went back inside. Brian's parents were ready to go. One last time to see them. I had my mother's day cards I had written for each. I put them next to their hand. I touched Lilly's little hand and wondered again, Why? I brushed Amber's telling her to take care of her precious baby until we meet again. Brian said he wanted to touch Lisa's hand as well. I told her she will never feel pain again.
As we left the rain had stopped the sky was clearing. We had made it. We can get through this. I don't know what we were talking about in the car but I commented on the sky again. What a beautiful sunset. Pink and purple clouds. It was when it all made sense.
God was so sad to see us suffer through this day. The wind howling, sounding like screams, the rain first the large tear drops of Angels and then the pouring rain from all of Heaven and clouds rolling across the sky. But now clear skies and a beautiful sunset. We are all going to be ok and Lisa, Amber and Lilly along with Jim are now safe with Him forever.
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