Forgive and Forget

It has been a few weeks since I wrote anything. Funny how my mood swings down and I have more to say when they swing up I have less.

I have been thinking of grudges and how we hold on to them. Since Brian and I have been married I have had a rule for us that I can and will go to bed mad but when I wake up tomorrow he is the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with and there is no point in being mad. I will kiss him goodbye and we will be ok. It is sometimes difficult to forget what I was mad over as I am sure sometimes he feels the same but we promised till death do us part and those of you that know me well know that I have always said and I am willing to kill him. You have to be committed. (It is a Joke.)

We had a fight years ago about what I have no idea and as far as I know he does not remember either but that night I was furious. I can remember how mad but for the life of me I have no idea what we were arguing about. I had told him that night I wish you would hit me because I want to punch you and then I was serious. We now kid each other that he wishes he would have taken me up on the offer. I tell him you should of because it probably won't happen again. Which brings me to forgiving and forgetting.

Since I remember everything I find it funny that I don't remember what I was mad at that night and it doesn't matter because that was one day years ago. And we have had lots of days since that we are happy together.

So why do we hold the grudge. Why do we put so much effort into being mad. When I was younger I would commit a lot of time to being mad and even hating people. I would find a way to make it miserable for them and myself. I am not sure when it changed for me. I was certainly an adult, might have even been 30 or more before I learned that it did not pay. Up until that point I would relish the time that I made the person's life miserable. But Why?

I will not use the example in my head because I have not forgotten but I have forgiven .

But lets say a family member does you wrong as a child or maybe a adult. They may have left you and went off to live on their own. You can only be mad for so long and that person is still family. I know there are limits to forgiveness and I do not expect people to forget or forgive abuse. But I know children that live in homes with no parents and people are paid to supervise them. And as far as I know no one reading this grew up in a foster home or a boarding house because your parents did not want to be bothered with you. Maybe your parents did not raise you but a loving relative did. And even so you are now grown and have a life of your own and a family maybe it was for the best. That is what I think. Everything happens for a reason and if I did not live through my childhood I could not help others deal with theirs.

I know a lady that has 2 kids one lives with her and the other her mother. Why? I don't understand. What I do know is both children are loved and you can not blame your parents forever. Well you can but it is not good for you and it doesn't matter to them. The person who left you is gone and you might as well move on with those that stuck around and raised you.

Words are so harsh and sharp when said with anger. And one never knows what tomorrow brings so why hold the grudge. Let it go. My dad would say when we were kids that if given the opportunity my brother and sisters and I would argue over the time of day. He was right. But today, we all like each other, help each other and would do anything for the others kids.

Since Christmas is a season for children I think we revert back and remember things from our younger years that may have been a disappointment but at this point in life we need to forgive them. Love the family you have around you. Share your life and your children. Show your children that there is love around and teach them to forgive. Not to hold the grudge and hate. Let your children know that if they are ever that mad at you that they can trust the family around you. That they love you and would never hurt your children. Reach out to the family members you have not spoken to and forgive them. I know it is hard and it does not go away instantly but it does fade with time. You may be surprised. Sometimes there is more joy to be had with the family you thought you did not want than there is being alone.

When your head is in that place of hate and fury you are alone even when there are people all around. This I know from personal experience. As for any of you who feel unloved this season. If you are reading this I am thinking of you. I care and would do anything for you or your family.  And I understand depression and that you can not help the place you are. You may not be able to find your way out but there are people to help. Talk to someone, anyone. I am always here and have advice for you. You may not be ready for the advice but maybe you are ready to talk. I will listen and I do not pass judgement. I think that is why I have friends that I would never be mad at. I forgive them for anything they do because there are so many more days of joy than there are of anger. And I would not trade those joyful days for anything.

Love you my friends and family.

Christmas Season

Well, I come up with the strangest ideas in the strangest places. I have been sick the last few days laying on the couch wishing something worthy of keeping my eyes open was on tv. I was thinking tonight as I tried to clear my head with a Shower Vapor Tablet that listening has nothing to do with hearing and everything to do with what I say. Well at least at work. Since we get graded on our calls. And finally after 4 months of being on the phone. I have scored the highest I can on a call that is scored. I had thought when we started that it was going to be easy. It is not. Not for me anyway. I have seen people from my training suceed that were worried sick and people that I thought were naturals not get it. I am not with the first group. One of the things your scored on is listening to the customer another is to respond in kind. If there is nothing I do I listen. I have been responding to listening by helping them fix their problem. Funny, that does not cut it. So I have finally as though hit over the head with a brick realized that listening is not about hearing it is about what you reply. At work they want to hear you repeat back to the customer their reason for calling. Which gets me to where I am going with this Christmas Season.

Advent (the 4 Sunday's before Christmas) starts next Sunday. Which for me has always been the time of year that I feel drawn to Church. Not because it is Advent but as the Holiday suggests in preparation for Christmas. I have always been reminded of my Grandmother Helen and the Holidays at her house. Nothing flashy but beautiful. Her house was decorated beautifully. A tree, not sure if it was real or fake. Lights, some tinsel and ornaments and a star. A Nativity scene at the base of the tree with a choir of Angels nearby. A wreath on the door and a chalk board that we signed in on when we went to her house and a row of small candy canes hanging near the door. Her house was like her. Prepared for Christmas. 

I have no memory of a single gift received from Grandma Helen. But there was Christmas Spirit, Joy, Cheer, and Food. Grandma's family was from Hungary and she made delicious treats for Christmas. Cheese Danish to die for and poppy seed rolls and nut rolls were some of our favorites.  Anyway you can see I have drifted from the subject.

I was also thinking tonight that if I were Queen that Christmas would have nothing to do with ads in a newspaper and commercials on tv. It would have everything to do with giving but nothing to do with what you receive.

So I thought, here in my blog I am Queen and in my kingdom Advent would be like Lent but instead of giving something up for a few weeks in preparation for Easter. We could give something back in preparation for Christmas. At work as I listen to customers not only do I hear their reason for calling but sometimes I hear the reason they called. Get it! Sometimes they call to have a problem fixed but sometimes they call to be heard. Or as I have learned to be responded to. I do not repeat back to them their reason I respond in kind. Congratulations, so Sorry to hear of your loss. Sometimes the customers stick with me not their names but their reason for calling. A brain damaged Vetran who is a genius in a body that does not work as fast has his head anymore. A woman who no longer has contact with her sisters. A marketing manager that needs something to market.

Sometimes I get more out of the call than the customers or at least as much. So in the spirit of Advent and the Christmas Season (which as a reminder does not start on Black Friday it starts the first Sunday of Advent which this year is December 1 and goes through the 12 days of Christmas which begins on Christmas and into January to Epiphany) I thought in my kingdom which has 1 member the Queen we would respond in kind to not only my customers on the phone but to also greet or respond in kind to people I come in contact with in the real world and apply the same principle that if sometimes someone may say hello not to be kind to you but maybe for your to reply in kind to them. Maybe no one has said hello or Good Morning to that person all day or week. I would love for those of you that read to reply in kind not to me but to someone everyday between now and Epiphany. It is easy this time of year. My goodness it is Christmas. Be joyous not because you are finished with your shopping but because Christmas is coming. It takes 27 days to make a habit and we have 44 days to get it right. And by January my kingdom will be showing others that listening has to do with responding and nothing to do with hearing what people are saying. Good Luck and hopefully for the first time this year Merry Christmas.

Giving Thanks

I thought it appropriate this week that I speak of Thanksgiving. Now most of you reading this will sit down at some point on Thursday and eat the biggest meal of year so far. And most will say some sort of prayer of Thanks for the things you have and food on the table and the hands that prepared it. My father always mentions the men and women serving in the Armed Services that are not home with their family.  And then dig in. But maybe this week on this Thursday stop and be thankful for how blessed you are to maybe have a job and if not a job how thankful you are to be with your family, maybe even have a roof over your head.

As a reminder it has been only 19 days since Hurricane Sandy made an unexpected visit to our friends to the north in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and other states upon the Eastern Seaboard. Some of those visited no longer have homes to be thankful for. They have their life to be thankful for. They may not have electricity or hot water but they still have their family together. Some may have lost family members but they still have the clothes on their back and a warm meal to eat being prepared by volunteers. In other words some people lost everything just 19 days ago. They are trying to find a way to get through each day, each week and the months to come without loosing their mind.

Hurricane Sandy is just one example of the tragic loss that people from all walks of life all over the world have dealt with this this year. But from the tragedy we are able to look at and appreciate the smaller things in life that we just assume we will always have.

I have a friend in New York that has invited friends over that live in lower Manhattan and let them charge their wireless devices, offered a hot shower and meal before they go back to living as those who lived in the same part of New York in the early 1900's with the advantage of batteries to power their handheld devices to warm their hands while the power is out and the temperature is low by the glow of their ipod or tablet. A laptop you no longer put a pillow on your lap to protect from the heat you can use it to warm your lap.

So maybe on Thursday evening when you are sitting home after eating a delicious meal prepared with love by someone you don't know how you would live without. Turn off the lights and the tv and the heat and think of the people up north that are doing the same thanks to Sandy for 5 minutes. First you will realize how long that is to be without, but remember those still without power have been doing the same for 19 days. Some may have days or weeks to come before the smallest luxury electricity can be restored. When you turn the lights and the tv back on remember that is a blessing because those without do not have that choice. They will wake up Friday not at 4AM preparing to go shopping because the retail world tells us we can get a better price before the sun comes up. Some will wake up cold and alone but being thankful for what they have left and to those that are truly blessed they are not worrying about what they lost for that can not be regained.

No loss this great can truly be recovered from overnight. Life goes on and each day, each moment is living proof that you too are trying to move on as well. You will not forget what you lost but maybe build a future that you never expected out of it. A future that has love and family and a home just not the one you thought about on October 28th for those in the north or for those in Aurora, Colorado July 19th or those in Gilbert, Arizona on May 1st. I could go on and on. About people and their tragedy which may not be a loss that had media coverage but a loss of a job or a loss of a spouse or a Grandmother or even a cat. All of these losses are tragic to those that lived through them and the recovery though the time may be different the process is still the same. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They do not always come in order or one at a time but no matter what you do they will come.

On Thursday hug your family and remind them all how much they all matter. And be thankful what you have been given and accept what you have lost.

Happy Thanksgiving has a whole new meaning now.

Blogging

I received an email that I have been thinking about since I got it. The person had received a link to my blog and in return replied and said,

"I don’t do blogs, sorry, to much time without enough results.
I like to talk with people as a group to get feedback like on facebook not talk at people like on twitter or a blog."

Well I disagree. Time vs Results. The reason I write this blog is selfish. I never thought that anyone other than my close friends would be reading what I write. And as those of you that are close to me know I do not do many things that are selfish. Writing has been therapeutic and a relief from some of my memories. So the result has been that I come up with ideas on things to write about and they morph into something else.

I consider the feelings of audience and of those I am writing about.  I have always felt that Facebook and Twitter are the opposite that people say whatever they feel and never consider the feelings of others or how permanent their words are. And as a customer told me the other day at work. I am stupid when it comes to twitter. Again I just find that to be a way to blurt out a thought at the spur of the moment. Without any thought to the result.

Well enough about that comment. It does tie into the subject which is who I reach. I post a link on Facebook when I finish a posting and send an email to some friends but in return I get comments via email and the Blogger software actually shows me where in the world people have read my blog.

I love the comments. Another selfish act. Everyone likes to hear that they do a good job and that they have touched someones heart or head with a comment. I have always been one who works best when I receive praise. Though at times criticism sometimes causes me to try that much harder to succeed. But the map has been an amazing piece of information as well. I copy a couple of Brian's cousins that live in Sweden on my blog and based on the map they have read some of my posts. But a few weeks ago I glanced at the map and noticed France was highlighted, and on another post Germany and yet another was England but the one that got me was when Russia was highlighted.

This has made me realize that no longer am I selfishly writing for my self and sharing feelings with a few friends, which made me think if you the reader could say anything to the whole world what would you say. And since as my opposition believes there is no give and take in Blogging I would like to prove him wrong again. So please consider the feelings of the readers and those you write about. I try not to use names for just that reason.  So give it some thought and Post a comment. Share with me something you would like to get off your chest or out of your head. I in return will let you know how many people have read and where in the world your thoughts have reached.

Thank you all for reading my words and helping me through this time in my life.

And to my husband. Happy Anniversary babe.

Happy Memories

Today’s installment is being written because I have been reminded that for all the sad memories I have there are also happy memories. So back to my childhood.

Remembering so much it is sometimes hard to pick a favorite memory but one I always bring up I was about 12 with my brother and sisters we would swim in the bay across the street from our house everyday in the summer.  We did it so much that our parents did not always come over with us. Well I remembered hearing a story of my uncle swimming from the north end of the beach to Caladesi Island as a teen. I thought we can do that. So the 5 of us on this day that we were unsupervised we took off from the dock across from our house and swam to Island Estates.  My youngest sister was only 5 at the time so we decided so that we could all make the trip we towed her on a raft.  We swam the further we got I remember pausing for a moment and thinking this is a lot of water and we are just 5 little heads and a raft but like everything else the 5 of us did together we made it to Island Estates. We took a break there is a small area of sand off the back of the building directly across from where we started.  Now the hard part we had to swim back. No way we are stopping  now.  We did not consider the current,  it did not seem to affect us on the way over but on the way back. We decided not to fight the current and let it carry us. We were heading west but drifting south. The closer we got back to the beach we had to pick which house we knew and whose dock had a ladder we could climb up. We got to the Jackson’s house about 2 blocks south of ours where I babysat and we climbed up their dock and walked home. We did it.

Always being adventurous another favorite memory of the 5 of us together we called it going exploring. We would walk to the north end of Clearwater Beach past the end of the houses and cut through the sand dunes and look for tidal pools where the tide has gone out and left a small pool of water and some fish and small creatures for us to check out. Starfish, sea urchins, sand dollars, back in the day we even once found a sea horse. All of which we would look at and touch but leave to live another day. Hermit crabs, conchs and who knows what else. As we headed home we might walk along the sand bar and look for shells that were no longer inhabited to take home.

Considering all my memories my next favorite, take me back to the days working at Eckerd as a teen. The manager was a character in a book all his own. Everyone knew him and his personality. The way I was hired was my mother was in the store one day and he said to her, Isn’t one of your kids old enough to work. Next thing I knew I had a job. I went in to fill out an application and they were expecting me to work that night. So I went home changed clothes and started working. November 17, 1983. I did not leave Eckerd until the company sold off their Florida stores and moved the corporate office to Rhode Island January 7, 2005.  I often joke, No one ever told me you are supposed to quit your first job. There are so many fond memories of Eckerd.  After a few years I was pretty bossy about my knowledge of how my store was run. As new people came it was no matter what their title I knew more than them. All you had to do was ask me and I would tell you that. I would teach them the ropes of the beach store but not without a little humiliation maybe even hazing. But I cannot count how many times I straightened the aisle of shoes and filled them so when someone new came along the first thing I would teach was how to straighten the shoes. If you never worked in the store you don’t know what a mess they would be at the end of the night but it was not a job many were fond of. I made so many friends in that day most of which I still have. I wish I could name them all but I don’t want to leave any out. So if you worked with me in those days. I still love every memory. I laugh at the night I was filling the paper aisle and the paper towels were stored up above the office. It took a 12 foot ladder to get to them and I would throw down what I was filling. One of the funny guys I worked with decided while I was up there he was going to take the ladder away. I could only laugh. I was 12 feet up in the air and no way down. I just kidded him saying it leaves you the whole store to straighten if you leave me up here. He moved the ladder back after I was done throwing everything down I needed. Some of which may even hit him in the head.

Years pass by but still I smile thinking of those days. I am sure things happening today will one day be memories I will look back at and smile. The same way I smile at our wedding day. For those of you not married. I always recommend to brides take your time and soak it in. You have been planning this day so long and it will all be over in a few hours. Don’t rush it.  I would say the same for those with small children. They will not be small for long and they will only walk for the first time once and they will only say mama for the first time once. Cherish those memories. Since there are no children of my own, my favorite memories of small children are of my nieces and nephews. The first time my niece Alex said my name, I had coaxed her for years and all of a sudden when she was about 3 in my mother’s kitchen out of the blue she said, Aunt Jeanne blah, blah, blah. I say blah, blah, blah because after Aunt Jeanne nothing else mattered. I was brought to tears. Alex said my name. I know for Aunt Bethy and Aunt Billie that was probably not as big a deal and they all could say Uncle Al or Unk Al as Paul would say but that day Alex said Aunt Jeanne. And that thought will always bring a smile to my face. With the younger nieces and nephew it was the day they were born. I do remember the night before Alex was born as well but Emily and Ashley, their mother called very early in the morning and I stopped on my way to work to take their first pictures. With Paul I got the call at 10:30 at night and said Billie was having a C-section.  I was right out the door. I heard his first cry and while they were stitching Billie up the nurse brought Paul out and Jeff and I held him before he was weighed. That is the closest I will ever get to the joy of childbirth.

All these memories make me smile. And not a single tear was shed in the writing of this Blog. Instead I smiled the whole time. Thinking about the great memories of days gone by and people I still have in my life and always will. If only in my memories as time goes by.

Oh how many memories I have all of which have a place in my heart and my head. At times they rise and fall and sometimes slip away other times bubble back to the surface. So if your favorite memory of me was not mentioned today do not think that you are not in my heart and my head.  You are safely locked away in my vault of memories to be cherished like an antique silk covered book. Wrapped in tissue and safe in a box to be brought out and shared and put away for safe keeping forever.

Memories

Since so much of what I share is from memory. I thought  I would explain how mine works.

I remember a lot. At times everything. I have found this a curse more than a blessing. I have said it before when you remember everything you can never forget. Which sometimes means you don't forgive. I have gotten better at the second part as I have gotten older. I have learned it doesn't pay to be mad at someone forever. Funny thing is usually the person I am mad at forever doesn't even remember what made me mad in the first place.

My earliest memory is me standing on my parents bed being dressed. I was between 1 and 2 years old.      

I was getting dressed for church. Some would argue there must be a picture and you built a memory around it but there is no picture from that day. I do not remember every detail just 2 main parts. Getting dressed on the end of the bed in a pink and yellow dress with a wide white collar. Then I remember being at Clearwater High School walking holding my dad's hand in front of the Auditorium and in front of the X wing past the cafeteria and the classrooms. I did not know until I was in 8th grade where that memory was from for sure. My parents had told me that we did go to church in the high school auditorium until the church was completed in 1970 which I would have been 3.  I went to the church website to find out the dates and found the above picture. So somewhere in here is probably the back of my parents heads.

In 8th grade I attended with my mom the open house for 8th graders going into high school. As we walked in the auditorium. I remembered the place. The steps. Going up and down the steps with my dad. If we were not quiet in church one of our parents would take us outside. I remember that with my brother and sisters. But I only remember me and my dad this particular day. Walking along the X wing as they called it when I was in high school. There is a place that there are about 3 steps down and a ramp. I was walking on the ramp and my dad the steps. That is it. My first memory. 40+ years later still have it with me.

As I got older I found the way I remember things is by thinking about them. I was 23 the first time I remember my mind at work. It was Dec. 24, 1991 the day of my Grandma Helen's funeral. I worked for Eckerd. I left the store went to the Mass. What happened at the end I will not share. But the events are still clear in my mind. I was standing in the front pew with my dad on my right and my sister Billie to his right. Next thing I know I was about 12 rows back with my cousins. It was all like a movie. That afternoon I went back to work. Tried to make sense of what happened. No dice. Called my sisters and said, Do you keep seeing it happen over and over? They all said yes. So I figured out that when you see something crazy and your brain does not know what to do with it some people lock it in a file cabinet and others like me we review the footage over and over and over. Trying to make sense of what happened. But when I have memories I can not make sense of they are permanently en grained forever. Like a movie you've seen a million times and you know every word. Just these I always know the cast.

The worst is it is not just the visual memories but I also have audio. If I have heard something and for whatever reason I decide that this is thought provoking the words will stay with me. Arguments, News stories and even the crazy stuff the people that sat behind us Friday at Las Mariachis said. I will not share with you their discussion but I will share how witty my husband is. When these 3 people left the restaurant Brian was outside on his phone and the female stopped and picked up a partially smoked cigarette out of the ashtray and looked at Brian and said, It is not as disgusting as it looks, this is mine. Brian replied, That is not nearly as disgusting as your table conversation. See why I married him.

So now another 20 years later and here I am with memories of a another place and time. Pictures that don't go away. Some of that week has faded but it has only been a few months and some moments are forever etched in my brain. The footage has been edited and is now fairly brief but forever there. It starts as a still photograph. Then the editor zooms in. I am right there. In the middle of it. I am so sorry for anyone else that has these kind memories. The ones that make you cry as soon as it starts and you can not make it go away.

I am left here to wonder why? Why me? Is there a point to me remembering. So, at this point in life I have decided to share my memories and stories with others. Others that will only remember some small amount of this but maybe pass on that little bit. As I have said before. You don't want to know all the gritty details of things I have to remember. See, I said it, I have to remember. I didn't even realize that I wrote it. But there it is in black and white. My fingers know the words before my head yet they speak the truth.

So this Saturday night I sit alone in the quiet with my memories. I give you this glimmer of hope. Even my memories fade. Not in a week or month or even 20 years but they do fade.

The End is the Beginning

I feel as though this chapter of my life started last May.

I was fired from my job. I hated it and loved at the same time. I don't do anything half way. It is all or nothing. And no matter what anyone there believes I gave all I had to the last day I worked there.

After which I found that I was so sick and weak that I had to have a blood transfusion.

So in a way that week part of me died. And part of me was renewed.

I lost old friends in the mix. But were they truely friends if they no longer call or have nothing to do with me because we do not work together anymore. I still have contact with 3 people from that job. We get together as we did before and always will.

Just like Eckerds after 20 years. There are still some that almost 8 years later I still speak to and see. Not as much as I like, but I do.

Now with my new chapter, new job I again have new friends. Some will be come old friends and some will fade with time. Sometimes I am suprized by the ones that stay and the ones that go.

Today made me think of the past year and how it has been a year of endings and a year of beginnings.
Brian and I had a terrible loss of a family. But we have had new additions. We have had the joy of sharing our house with our nieces this summer from Alaska and Arizona. The joy of getting to know them and them us. The memories made will never be forgotten. 4th of July on the back steps of City Hall watching fireworks over the bay. Uncle Brian taking the girls to Adventure Island. The girls got to know each other better as well. Sharing time together watching movies and I will never forget the afternoon we came home from work and all of them were sleeping on the couch snug as 3 bugs in a rug.

So today I attended church as Brian and I have the last few weeks. Last week we shared our story of loss with the church for their Domestic Violence Charity offering. But today I went alone and had a gift of renewal again. They spoke this morning of giving up your worldly belongings to get everything back.

Just like in the book Eat, Pray and Love. As the story goes the husband and wife are in the process of divorcing and the husband is a mooch and takes and takes. Finally she says fine take it all. I want nothing but to be rid of you ( I paraphrase). But in the end she travels she is renewed in life and prayer and again finds Love.

So, Again we have met new people at church that have welcomed us and some of these same people I feel will become old friends. For Brian attending First Church is like going home to a familar place. Where to me it is like a new job not sure what to do or say and following the lead of others but yet made to feel comfortable as they show the way.

I was thinking we have given up so many things in the last year me without a job yet we did not suffer. We still had a roof over our head and food to eat. We lost family and my cat Mary. Dear Mary who had so much of me in her. Her and I were a pair for 21 years. She would only let most people pet her a few times and then she would scratch or bite them. Those who know me know that I can sometimes be the same way. Don't want anything too close. But always loving those who take the time to know me and let me know them so I am not afraid of their love and I let them in.

So as I go to work this week and live my life I am going to give all I have and in return expect nothing. So everything I get in return will be a blessing.