Sand Collar or Diamond Ring?

Sometimes I have the strangest thoughts and search something on the Internet and find the strangest things. One day just wondering what would come up I searched my maiden name on eBay. Just wondered if there was a picture of someone related or what would come up. The weirdest thing. I was expecting something from Ohio where my father is from with the family name or business on it. But instead I found a picture of my youngest sister. She and two other kids at craft contest had one a prize and this picture was run in the news paper. As soon as I saw the picture I knew it was her but kept thinking how weird that is. What are the odds. Well with me it seems to happen often. I think about something and then out of no where I see whatever I just said I never see this anymore.

This same thing happened one night years ago Brian and I were walking on the beach and I had just told him how we used to find the sand collars when we were kids and I had not seen one of them in years. We did not walk another 20 feet and there was one right in front of us. Brian's answer was why don't you think about how long it has been since you found a diamond ring or a pile of cash. This is my luck and fate at play. Rarely is cash going to be involved. Of course we have had times when paying the bills I have wondered how I was going to pay them all and then a check would come for a refund I forgot or an over payment I did not know I had made but for the most part it is just strange things.

So I have been thinking about some ideas to write children's history books. Just short stories about people or places that we have been. I have thought about telling them from different perspectives and I have been working on this idea of instead of telling the story from a child's point of view or an adults to tell the story from a plant or tree's point of view. I have had idea's for a few different places and people but today I thought about a tree in Clearwater that has been there as long as I can remember and I knew there was a plaque in front of the tree so today I stopped next to Perkins on Gulf to Bay near US 19 and wanted to check out the tree and the plaque. So the tree I thought was an Oak is actually a Camphor tree. And even though the tree looks big as you drive by if you have ever noticed. It is even bigger when I was standing in front of it. I would say it was 20 or 30 ft around. The plaque just says that it is a Camphor tree and it is in appreciation for the people who saved it from the National Arbor Society and dated February 1975. Took a few pictures and came home.

Now today I was supposed to do just a few things clean the counter and the dining room table which are catch all. Basically throw out the trash on the table and put everything else away. Do some laundry and the dishes and make dinner. But no. First visited my dad. Then went to the store. Went by and checked out the tree and oh yeah. Came home and got online and decided to do some searching to see what else I could find out about this tree. So Googled Camphor tree in Clearwater and found a few articles about the tree I am speaking of. Very interesting. I now know the tree is about 125 years old and was planted about 1890 with 3 others on the property of William Frank Fields who I read cleared and built his family a home. The four trees were planted to shade the yard for his children to play. Not sure how big the trees were when he planted them but I am sure he would be quite surprised to see how big the lone survivor is.  So the strange part. Checked out a few other links but then one caught my eye. Clicked on it and realized it was a link to an eBay page. See how we tie back to the eBay thing at the beginning. Love it when everything ties together. I pull up a picture and it is a newspaper photograph from 1971 of the very same tree. I don't know about you but this is weird. I mean isn't it. I just don't know. So does this mean that I am just strange? Or am I to take it as a sign that I am to write these stories and yes this should be the first one. Or does it mean nothing at all?

This is where sometimes over analysing the situation can leave me to do nothing at all because when my mind never turns off sometimes I will over think a situation until I do not want to think about it anymore and let the book idea go. Or is it that I continue to think about it that it is a good idea and I should continue to do more research. So including my Clearwater tree I have 4  stories in the works. I even have a title in my head but someone else uses it as a name of a business so I guess I would have to look into that as well.

So not sure if today I found a sand collar or a diamond ring but I was not looking for either when it appeared.

Princess

To be clear the title is not about me. I was going to write today about voting. I did. Vote, that is. But after being as productive as anyone, well at least as productive as I wanted to be today. I have an hour and could work on a blog. So I turned on the computer and the satellite radio and sat down with Princess (our dog) at my side. I looked down and I could not believe in the few minutes since we had come in from outside her head was so swollen. First I thought is it just the way she is laying. No. Panic. Her eyes are almost swollen shut. and her nose is swelling and she is starting to get welts on her back. More Panic. I have to get her a couple Benadryl. Brian said the other day when he was off that she got into something and he had to give her Benadryl as well.

I could not open the Benadryl. I had to use sissors to get the foil open and the longer it took the worse I was getting. Princess is not doing so well either. Do I take her to the vet? Give her the Benadryl first. So with a spoon full of cream cheese she swallowed the pills down. Now I can not write. I can not take my eyes off of her. I am crying. My poor girl. So instead of writing I sat on the couch next to her and watched her. Now as I said I had an hour. We are 20 minutes in and I got a damp washcloth and put it on her forehead to try to take down some of the swelling. Is she breathing normal? Am I? I got her a couple ice cubes and she licked at them. She can swallow. We are ok? Aren't we Princess? This is so hard she can not tell me how it itches but she is rubbing her face on my leg. She can not say that she is burning up but I can feel the heat coming off her forehead. I lift up her front legs and check her stomach. No welts there. No redness. Good. How is she breathing. So now I watch. The Benadryl is helping she is laying on the couch. She is not scratching. But I am watching her breath. Every time I see her side rise and fall I feel like I can breathe easier.

This was when I had the thought. I know why we don't have kids. I would worry myself sick. I know all of you have not been around forever but before we had Princess we had Kody. The Best Dog. Princess she is the Best Girl Dog. But Kody was the Best Dog. Kody had seizures for almost his whole 14 years we had him. And when it got to the end it was so hard for me. I had cooked for him the last year because his liver was failing and it was easier on his body and he would eat the home cooked meals. I would make him scrambled eggs and chicken and rice. I even took him to work with me for the last month. I tell you this because with all our animals we have ever had. When the end was near I was the Cat or Dog Hospice. I sat with them and fed them to the end. I was the Make a Wish come true for an animal and any other charity you can think of that does whatever it takes to make a human's life better at the end. Not every cat's last meal is grilled salmon but for my cats it was. I do not eat salmon but I went to the grocery and bought it for them.

After Kody passed away. It took me about 6 months before I even thought I could have a dog again. I missed him but was scared. Could my heart take this pain? To some people I know a cat is just a cat and a dog is just a dog. But these are my kids. Yes. I talk to them. I miss the cats and Kody all the time. Just like a relative. I remember things each would do or certain foods they would eat. We had a Persian cat Tiffany that would eat Fritos and spaghetti not together but she ate them. Kody would always make this lip smacking sound when he was getting ready to go to sleep.

So as I sit here and watch Princess I worry. Worry myself so much. Now the swelling went down and after the hour was up she looked much better or I would not have gone out to eat tonight. But as I left my friend Tracy's the worry came back. Was I wrong to leave Princess. She did look better. I wanted to stop at the grocery but then I thought I have been gone 2 hours what if she wasn't doing better. I should not have left.
Kody's last days I did not leave his side. For 4 days. Night and day. Inside, outside. Did not matter. I was there. Which when they say sleep deprivation is bad. It is very bad. Just ask the people in the emergency room 2 weeks later as I had my first panic attack or the next night when I had my second.

I did stop at the grocery. Grabbed the few things I needed and came home. Princess was not in the window when I pulled in the driveway but she was wagging her tail waiting for me when I walked in the back door. Her face is looking better. Still a little swelling above her eyes. Don't have any idea what it is that she is allergic to but I think we need to give her Benadryl regularly for a while. I would not want to have to leave and go to work with her looking like she did this afternoon.

I know she is a dog but she is my Princess. And I remember so much that it hurts to think that one day she will not be here. I know she is only 8 years old but I know nothing is forever and I will miss her one day like I miss Kody, Mary, Tiffany, Lillian, Blake, Gauge and Boo.

The anxiety of the end is real for me all the time. All the time that I think what if. It is not just a little what if. It is always the big what if. And to even say the words or type them could make them more real. The anxiety of loosing Kody took years to recover from. And still today I remember all of the panic, anxiety and sadness.
So much sadness. Now I can smile and remember. I used to just remember and cry. I am going to take a deep breath and hug my girl and go to bed and try to remember that both me and Princess are ok.

It took a lot of different things books, medicine and talking and quiet time to get better. I had to be brave to say I could have another dog and I will have to be brave again some day. Some day hopefully in the far off future I will once again be sad but will again have the memories of today to smile and remind me how much I cared for my Princess while she was here. And know that I treated her as with as much love as she gave to me.

Love you Pretty Girl.

Before the hot water runs out

Pretty funny title. So I must give credit. Brian is the one that said it should be the name of this post. This could become its very own blog.

Yesterday and today are my days off and after not doing much of anything yesterday I decided I was going to take a shower and do something. So this is what happens when my brain does not turn off. I am going to describe what goes through my mind before the hot water runs out.

See when I was a kid my mom used to say I did not need to use soap when I bathed because I took such a hot bath that a would scald the dirt right off me. I did and have always used soap but this is something my mother would say. Anyhow here is the what happened in my head.

As I undressed I thought "Why do women's bras have a bow on them". That would be a good name for a book. Who wouldn't pick that up? I can see the dust jacket on the back it would have reviews all from women named Jane Russell. Get it. A book about the bow on a bra and reviewed by women named Jane Russell. You would have to be over the age of 45 to get the reference.

Since Brian did not get this reference  I will only tell you Jane Russell was a movie star and she used to do Playtex 18 hour bra commercials. Get it now? Pretty damn funny.

Back to the shower.
Six degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon and I can go from a bow on a bra to Jane Russell to my best friend in band in high school was Jane Russell. Not the bra lady but my friend's name was also Jane Russell. Jane and I were only friends for a few years she was a year older than me and after she graduated we did not see each other anymore but while we were friends we did so much stuff together. Jane taught me to drive a stick shift in her old VW station wagon on my 16th birthday that gear shift did not have a ball so it would leave a mark on your hand from shifting gears. We would drive around and listen to Bonnie Tyler tapes. Jane owned a horse but we only went to see it together once. Jane worked at Maas Brothers. Her mom was the Music Director at Trinity Presbyterian Church. The first time I went to church with her I sang in the choir and at that church during the service they ask who is new and call them up to the front to welcome them. I remember Jane pushing me to go and the Pastor made a big deal that it was my first time attending their church and I sang with the choir. We also would stand in for people in bell choir for practice and we were in a play at her church. Listen People was the name of it. All of this while I was a junior and she was a senior. Band camp was at a church camp up near Moon Lake that year. We had so much fun. Getting in trouble or causing trouble which ever was easier that day. Wish I knew how she is doing. Never can find her when I check on FB. There are just too many Jane Russell's in the world and I have no idea what she did after she graduated. Man I miss her.

Well we are to the point that I am turning off the cold water because the hot is not hot enough anymore and I really need to finish taking a shower so I can do something. Think I am going to take Princess for a walk.
So I know it kinda jumps around but that is what my brain does. I think it could be why sometimes I feel tired even when I have done nothing. My brain does not stop. Now I have learned over the last few years I can do breathing exercises and slow it down and for a time may even stop jumping from one thing to another.

Just thought I would share.
Have a great day. I have already taken my shower for today and ready to go.

Are you smart or just a smart ass?

So I thought I knew this week what I would write about. I was sure I was going to write about the Olympics and the way people treat each other for the sake of ratings or whatever it is that drives people to say something that is totally not necessary on television. I know millions were watching. I know we were probably the only ones that turned the channel and watched something else. I am not a sports person. I am really not that competitive. I like to win but sometimes just knowing I am good at something is good enough for me. That is perfect.

See when I was young I worked for Eckerd and I was not afraid to be right and it did not matter who I was talking to. The District Manager came in once and told me that my price changes were not up to date. I did not say I will get on that. I took him to the book and showed him that what was on the shelf was correct and that I had initialed myself that it was done because I knew I was right. I did not care that he was with his boss. I did not care who was standing there. The man told me I was wrong. That was not the last time I would do such a thing. No one ever told me not to until I had made my mark on everyone. So as I got older and I applied for a promotion as a Service Assistant and my DM asked me why I should get the job. Well there was only one reason because I bleed blue (the color of the trim in the store and the name was always as we called it Eckerd Blue). Those were my exact words. I knew this DM. He had been a Pharmacist for years and I had worked for him. Funny thing was I had always called him Phil as a Pharmacist but now as a DM people thought I should call him Mr. S... I did not get this. How did our relationship change because he got a promotion. I was taught to work side by side with your people until they did the job as best they could then let them go on their own. That was how I taught people how to straighten shoes and hats and fill the coolers. Seemed when you put this divide you were no longer working with someone, now you are working for them. Not the same. Can you go tell someone you work for the same thing you tell someone you work with. Not usually.

So Phil he did promote me to Service Assistant. I had been with Eckerd now for about 10 years and I made more money hourly as a Service Assistant than most Assistant Managers but you know that girl that was 16, 17 or even 20 that said whatever she wanted is now 26 and can not get promoted to save my life. It has became a quest. I was put in some terrible stores but made the best of them. Worked in a store that was one of the companies oldest with a manager that had been the golden child but as all do somehow fell from the Grace of the company. But we made the best of this old store that we could and when it was time to close the store we were there to the last day. Then after that I spent time in Gulfport. This is a small town along the water near south St. Petersburg. On the verge of a beautiful waterfront community and the otherside of the railroad tracks set a small plaza with a Winn Dixie and an Eckerd. This store was as small as can be. So small we had to get the truck in the morning before the store open because it had to be unloaded through the front door. I worked with an Asst Manager and we share the responsibility of opening and closing the store doing all the ordering and payroll but no title for me. A store manager came in once every couple weeks and left a list of what she wanted to see done. Otherwise we ran the store as we saw fit. Now this Asst. Jimmy he had an older brother who was a manager for Eckerd. His brother would come in all the time and tell me I should be promoted and he said he would help me get promoted. I thought great. I have to get transferred to South St. Pete to find someone who does not know my reputation or doesn't care. So either way I had been at this store for months and Jimmy got transferred. Now it is me and another Service Asst. Her and I did not get along. Still had the Manager checking in on us. Now I had been there for almost 8 months and it is almost time for inventory and I have gotten most of the backroom ready by myself and working on the ledge. I thought if I get this store through inventory, I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I know I can do this job with or without the pay or the title and I am. So 2 days before inventory the Manager in charge came in and said that I did not have enough done and that she was going to have to bring someone else in to help get ready for inventory. That was crazy. It did not matter what list she left I would have gotten it done and I knew she was not right. But that afternoon I got transferred to another store in St. Pete. Now I am working for Jimmy's brother Rob. I was pissed.

But like everything else with Eckerd it was another grain of salt that was probably my own fault because of my smart mouth. Rob and I worked together like crazy. This store was right on US 19 and busy and huge. This was a store that probably could have used 2 Asst Managers but all Rob got was me. But he did have faith in me. As we came into the holidays he said I can give you overtime as long as everything is good in the store. So we kept the store up and I was working 50 hours a week or more depending on how busy. This store the pharmacy was busy and when someone came in I would go back and type for the pharmacist or answer the phone or whatever they needed. That is what I was taught to do. One day Rob walked by the pharmacy and looked up and said I thought you went home I said, no there was a line and well here I am.
As it got closer to holidays we were working so much when I walked in the door one day I said Hi, honey I am home. I was not sure why I was driving home just to get back up and come back in the morning but that was what it was taking. Well you knew the day would come didn't you. I mean I am still a Service Asst and really I know more about Eckerds than a lot of the managers out there but you know there I was. So on the phone the week before Thanksgiving was the DM calling for me? Rob was not there. Well now of course this is not Phil he was not the DM in that area but this DM he didn't like me at all. So he called to tell me he was promoting me. Well of course he is. I have over 60 hours on the schedule for next week and I can make more money than Rob and I think this is what finally did it. The dollar wins, or did I or did they. I am not sure. How come I feel defeated for getting promoted. Years, I worked hard. Year after year. Rob was proud like a father who's child finished kindergarten but I was frustrated.

Now I would not work with Rob much longer. I would get hurt at a work party at another store in St. Pete during a remodel the same day my store got robbed. The same day another Asst Manager was killed being robbed leaving the store that night. Not really a good day in Eckerd.

Where are we going here. Hard work and perseverance does not always get you what you want, or sometimes what you want is not what you need? I am not sure.

So for the big tie in. Olympians are people too. They work really hard for years for their goals. And sometimes they get a gold and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the story is pretty but the finish isn't. Sometimes the finish is pretty and the story is not. Everything is not a made for tv mini-series. These people have to go on and live a lifetime after these games are over. Some of them are going to retire from a sport they have done since they were 4 and they are now 24 or 34. Either way they have so many good years to live and their whole life is not summed up on the podium today. It will be summed up 30 or so years from now when they are showing their medal or telling the story of the one that got away to their grandchildren. And they can write the chapters afterwards knowing they did the best they could while competing and will continue in that same fashion whatever job they choose in life.

Now for the sideline reporter that ticked me off and the analyst that irritated me, I will assume you are past your prime in your sport and these are not your finest moments either and you to will go on to do better with your live and learn that knowing everything does not get you everything and being the smartest person in the class and being a smart ass are not the same thing. I know now. I was both when it came to a lot of things but sometimes I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Choices

I went yesterday to see the movie August-Osage County. I think I was looking for dark and funny and found it to be more dark and sad and less funny. I was there in the afternoon on a weekday so the audience was older and some were not happy. They did not like the language and did not like the subject matter. I could have done without some of the language but to be this dark somebody is going to say the F word. I get the story everyone in the movie except for the hired help comes to the house with their own personal secret and tragedy going on in their lives but now Dad is gone and Mom has cancer and is addicted to pain meds. And we haven't even started to scratch the surface of this families secrets. But I get that. I get that everyone has something they bring to the table. In the movie they literally bring it to the dining room table during the funeral dinner for their father. The scene that got me was the three sisters trying to decide what is going to happen with their mom. Do we send her to rehab, a home or will someone draw the short straw and have to stay and take care of her. While at the table 2 of the 3 say they are leaving and the one who has stuck around through this much says she can't and won't do it any longer. Which leaves the oldest. Daddy's little girl is stuck holding the bag with mom. As the movie draws to a close each sister leaves the house in tears because their own drama takes them away the last one is told that she is just like her mother. Standing there midday in her pajamas and what is next. She gets mad and takes off in the family truck the movie ends she has stopped along an open Oklahoma road and gets out of the truck she looks back towards home and forward away from that mess. She gets back in the truck and I was not sure which way she would go, but in the end she has to make the choice for herself. No one is going to make it for her this time.

So I know I gave away a lot but there is a lot more cussing in the movie. A lot of sadness in this family. More drama than any family I know. But you know all fiction has a hint of the truth hidden inside it. Everyone in all families face decisions they don't want to make and sometimes you make the choice and sometimes you wait long enough and the choice is made for you. Not sure which is less painful. Do you want to believe you choose to leave your mom alone or do you want to believe you have no other choice.? That is what I left with. And no matter who or what it is, I am like a Marine. No man left behind. So no matter what I have to do I am going to drag my mom or anyone else to a point where they can take care of themselves or someone else steps up to help.

But as you can see it is about choices today and I made one the other night at work. It was not a big choice when I made it. It was really a simple choice when I made it but in the end I was the one who made the choice and someone else had to work later than he should have because of it. I have played out the way things went down and how they could have been different in my head so many times but I still see the end result being the same but I would not have been the one making the call it would have been someone else. I am mentioning this to get it out of my head. This is the sort of thing that sticks with me until something else does. So as I finish my weekend off I will go back to work tomorrow with a clear conscience and will make good choices even though I know they will not always be right they will be all mine.

What is your name?

Nerves, nervousness, scared to death. Don't know which I am? Biggest fear on Monday was that I would show up at the new job and it not be my job. That I did not get the job. See I had not talked to anyone from the new office and even my contact with HR was through IM so I worried that when I got to the new office they would ask who I was and what I was doing there.

Now that I have worked a few days I have the feeling I am not sure what I am doing. I don't have the confidence I had last week at work at the other office. You know the feeling after you have been a a job for a while and the days pass by and you see the same people, take your break at the same time. Walk the same halls. You know who the new people are and you are not one of them. You feel for them and want them to fit in but are thankful for the familiarity that comes with being at the same place for a while.

But now I am the new person. The person no one knows that has to introduce themselves to everyone. Yes, and with my name that adds a whole new worry. Most people don't remember your name when they first meet you but they can look at your name tag and all play along until they know who you are. Nope. Got to be different. Don't look at my name tag you will mess yourself up for sure. And then I have a choice ignore or correct? It isn't really a choice it has become a rule. Will I have to talk to you on a regular basis then correct, a person I meet in passing that will rarely have contact with ignore. Again since I don't know who the people are that I will talk to everyday I am correcting or reminding people when they try to introduce me to another co-worker and stand there with a look I am all to familiar with and I have to introduce myself and say my name is Jeanne oh well for those of you that don't know me personally you probably think I pronounce it Jean or Jeannie, no it is Jean like Jean-Claude Van Damme (actor) or Jean Luc Picard (Captain on Star Trek Next Generation), Jean Lafitte (Pirate), my dads favorite as a kid was Jean-Claude Killy (an Olympic snow skier from the 1960's). He had to reach when I was a kid. So by the 1980's and Jean Claude Van Damme came along it did make it easier at least there was someone out there that used the pronunciation that I do. Do not use Jon Benet Ramsey. That is not the same at all and I did not like the idea of being tied to a child pageant star but definitely do not want to be tied to a child murder victim.

I know I say it all the time I did not know this was what I was going to write about tonight I thought it was going to be about being nervous about being new but as I typed I remembered my name. I had not ever addressed the fact that the casual reader does not know how to say my name which all ties to this whole being the new person. No one named Shelly or Kelly or Susan have to explain how to pronounce their name and they do not have to explain how they got their name when they meet new people. They do not have to repeat their names so many times that whatever the other person is saying I just say yes Dawn. That is it. And my all time favorite question, can you hear the sarcasm? Again if you can't you do not know me but is there, but is there something else I can call you? No. Not "no" like maybe make up some cute name for me. "No". Like I do not have a nick name. The only names other than my own I have ever been called were mean and yes, I do remember them and will not repeat them today. Already not feeling confident so I don't need to remind myself of how people would pick on me and make up names to call me in school.

So, I am not sure if my anxiety is exactly the same as everyone elses or if I make it worse because of my name and the feeling of am I going to make someone feel bad or feel like I am being rude when I say just call me my name  I have used all my life. Or Ok,  if I call you by the wrong name then it will be fine for you to call me the wrong name. People do not realize how personal a name is until they mess with mine. There were times when I was young I was going to change my name as soon as I was old enough. I could not decide what I would be. I would think about names and I even thought of using my middle name Marie which is also my Grandma Helen's middle name but Marie is not really me. This was when I was in 9th grade. I know that because it was the year of my Confirmation at church and you have to pick a Saint's name and I stuck with Marie but I then looked at a name I had always known to be Joan of Arc but did not know until then that Joan was not Joan at all, she to was Jeanne or Jean but definitely the french pronunciation the same as me. Then when the Joan of Arc movies came out in 1999 I knew why my name was Jeanne. Yes, I was 32 years old and maybe a slow study but I knew that my name was my name because I was like her. I did not think she was crazy. Joan that is. If you don't know that Joan of Arc went to the Prince of France as a young girl and said she could help him win the war and keep his country from the English. Well she was just a girl from a small town who has visions from God. Skip to the end she is found to be guilty of witchcraft under the English Law and is burnt at the stake in the middle of town at the age of 19. She believed what she believed to be true and would not say she was crazy or a witch to save herself. The messages she was hearing were from God. I do believe that strongly in the truth and I understood that is why my name is Jeanne and not Jean or Jeannie. And now you do to.

Merry Christmas

So it has been almost a month since my last entry. Funny thing about my writing, I feel that when I am happy I do not have much to say so it seems strange this time of year for me not to write.
I have always been a Christmas blues kind of person and I have been trying to figure out how to explain it. But this last month has been pretty good so I will start with the good.

I applied for a new job and had an interview the day before Thanksgiving. The interview went well. Really well. Which followed a few days after I found out that if I stayed in the department I am in I got a schedule better than I have now. So I thought either way the new year will be OK. But after 2 weeks of not hearing anything about the job I was starting to feel like I would have heard something by now then I got a 4 in Care.Which means I had a call listened to and I hit all 24 dimensions that they want us to in a call which is pretty cool because some of them I struggle to get. I have only gotten two 4's in a year and a half  and then finally I heard from HR, I got the job. Woo Hoo! So the first full week in January I start my new job. It is closer to home than my current job. Only about 10 minutes away at a satellite office. I will be doing dispatching of techs and helping techs solve problems. During my interview they had asked if I wanted to stay and see what they do. I felt like that was very positive. Why would they ask me to stay if they didn't like me? Right. Both people I sat with both before and after the interview were very good at what they do but man were they multi-tasking to the max. I have in the past worked at jobs where I had to do lots of things at once and try to keep all the balls in the air. So I thought this is going to be a challenge. But I do feel it is one I am up for. So just one more week of taking calls from customers and then off to a new department and new people and new bosses in a new building. So just a little nervous. But I have one friend that I sat next to in training a year and a half ago and she has been in the department for a few months and loves it, so I am glad there will be a familiar face to go with all this change.

Alright so, So far so good right. Well this time of year always brings sappy commercials that make me cry and Christmas episodes of shows that are always touching which make me cry and Christmas music oh yes, it makes me cry. So this time of year I feel like everything makes me cry. One of the songs that has always been a tear jerk-er for me is Silent Night. The words and the meaning of this song make me cry every time I hear it. An image that comes to my head is Christmas 2004, my nephew's first Christmas. Seeing him in church his little green onesie that had a Christmas tree on it. and just knowing he was what this song is about when they say mother and child. Seeing the priest hold him up as a proud new addition to the church on Christmas Eve. But a more recent song that seems to do the same is Happy Xmas. As I looked up the lyrics this morning I did not know that this was not an original U2 song but was originally sung by John Lennon. Hmm. It figures but honestly did not know it.

"And so this is Christmas and what have you done." So you already got me looking back on the last year. Did I do the things I set out to do. Last year I thought it good that Brian and I survived. We did not put up a tree my sister and her kids decorated a table top live tree for us. But this year we did. But I still had to rely on another sister to bring it to the house. I used to enjoy picking out a tree. But I love a real tree. I don't care what anyone says. Right now the only thing I can smell is that fresh pine scent and I wish we could keep it all year. I love the lights. But still this year things have been a challenge for me. I have felt like sometimes I am still stuck and can not get past something. I have some good days and feel like I accomplish things but most days I feel like I have merely existed. That part needs to stop because then I feel regret for wasting the past year on what. So I have really been trying to pick small things I want to change. And fix them. I am talking small household projects and putting a little effort in so that I remember what it is like to feel like I accomplished something..

"I hope you have fun." We did go Christmas Caroling again this year. This is something my family and my friend's family did 2 years ago. I decided my gift to all of them was really going to be a gift to me. When we were kids a family that we babysat for took us caroling on the Trolley that runs on the beach. The family rented one of the trolley's for the evening and we went and looked at Christmas lights and sang carols. This is by far my happiest Christmas memory. And 2 years ago when I was unemployed I decided that to give something to everyone and give myself a pick me up I would rent a trolley and put some music on the ipod and a caroling we went.

"The near and the dear ones, the old and the young." That was the last Christmas we had Grandma and she went. She had all her Grand kids and Great Grand kids together and she had a great time. It was freezing that night but we had hot chocolate and treats of all kinds. This year it was my mom who has been in the hospital a few times and the thought of my own mortality is always in my head when visiting someone in the hospital so I am glad we did it again.

"For the weak and the strong and the rich and the poor ones the road is so long." This line makes me think of all the people who don't have anything material in life but try to do right and give to others and charity. This is where I try but seem to fall short of my own expectations. Which reminds me of when I was in 6th grade. I was volunteering at my old elementary school in the library and the the librarian who was a very strict lady for the life of me I can not think of her name but I know her last name began with a V. Strange that I remember that but the way my mind remembers things I will usually picture a letter or number in my head that relates to what I am trying to remember but it will come to me with time when I least expect it. She told me that it was my responsibility to do for others because I am smart and have the ability. She used the example that some people it is difficult to pick up a pencil and hold it in their hands and some will have to try and practice just to do this simple task that for me comes so easily. I am sure most would not remember this lecture I got in the back of the library but it always stuck with me that I do not try hard enough and I should appreciate the things that come easy. I wish I knew how to tell the children of this generation to savor their joys in life in a way that would be memorable and maybe not leave the guilt that I feel when I try to remind myself of that.

"Let's hope it's a good one without any fear." This is a hard one to explain. I have mentioned my fears already my own and the mortality of others. I worry there is not enough time to do everything for everyone and sometimes that brings me to a point where I can do nothing for anyone. Not even myself. In the past I have been told by numerous people that I need to worry more about myself and less about others and not be so Co-Dependent. Funny thing about this advice. It has come from all different sources. But the best is when it comes from someone I am doing for. And I have asked... Which thing I do for you should I stop doing? Well now there is a question that will stop the other end of Co-dependence it it's tracks. It is easy to say don't do for others but what are you willing to give up. Again, This is a lesson I would like to teach people to be good to yourself but there is so much joy in doing for others. I am the it is so much better to give than receive person. That is the point behind the trolley. I got so much out of giving it to others. This year others were having a hard time agreeing on a date or if they had the money to spend on going. I did not think I could put out the entire price again. But it is funny once I put up the money and said, "the Trolley will be here on Friday night at 7" we had a trolley full. We have so many others that want to go we may need to do it twice or have 2 trolley's next year. Last stop we stopped at a house and there he was the man in red himself. The kids got to go see Santa and he even posed with the big guys. My brother probably was not thrilled but it made me smile oh yes and cry. And guess what. The money all came back. The saying goes whatever you give you will get back. Not only the joy of going but everyone found the money to go as well. Even if they hadn't it did not matter to me.

I mentioned above how I did not know what to write about and how I remember things like seeing a letter or number. Well as I was trying to think about what to write this song was what popped in my head. I looked up the lyrics and realized that they explain the blues I feel. And maybe when you hear the song you will think of the near and the dear, the old and the young and I will finish with the simple lyric "Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I hope it's a good one without any fear."

I would like to thank John Lennon for putting my feelings to words.