Graduation Stadium

So this week was Clearwater High School's Graduation. It was at Brighthouse Field which is not far from the office I work at. From our windows we could see the fireworks they had at the end of the ceremony. Amazing. Fireworks for a graduation. Back in my day we were happy it didn't rain. No fireworks. It seems crazy because back in my day was 30 years ago. And this summer is my classes 30 year reunion from Clearwater High School. 30 years. 30 years ago I was only 17 when I graduated. I heard the speeches about how we had our whole lives ahead of us. We sang "We are the World" during our graduation swaying back and forth in front of our parents and friends. Not sure where all those years went.

My class graduated as all the classes before that I can remember at Jack White Stadium at Clearwater High School. I guess once the new bigger stadium was built in the early 2000's was when graduation was moved. But I have wondered most of my life who was Jack White. Did he go to Clearwater High. Was he a football player or principal? Well ironically in this summer of my 30th Reunion I found out who Jack White was while doing some local genealogy research.

Jack White neither attended Clearwater High nor worked there. He was actually a county judge born in 1898 in Jackson, Tennessee. He attended the University in Colorado Springs,Co and Jackson, TN and earned his Teaching Certificate. After serving as a Marine in World War I, Jack attended the University of Virginia Law School and graduated in 1922. He was married and moved to Florida in the 1920's during the land boom. Jack White was a major player in getting the stadium built at the new Clearwater High School that his 3 sons attended.Clearwater High moved to it's current location on Hercules Ave and Gulf to Bay Blvd in 1954. As the building was being built the idea was proposed to have a stadium built at the High School. The stadium was completed in 1950 and a few football games were played there that season but at that time the stadium was called Central Pinellas Stadium. It was not until 1963 that the Judge finally gave in and agreed to have the stadium named after him for all of his work organizing the imitative to have the stadium built. "He was committed to the community and believed strongly in youth sports as a character building.", From A Life of Service Jack F. White. Jack passed away in 1965.

As  amazing as that is over 50 years of football games and track meets and band competitions as well as pep rallies and home coming parades and graduations had all been held for Clearwater High at Jack White Stadium. I only attended Clearwater High for 4 years between 1981 and 1985.  But I remember as a young child being able to hear the band playing in the stadium on Friday nights just as I can today from my house. I lived about a mile or so south of the high school when I was young and I now live about a mile west of the high school. I attended every Varsity football game and even a years worth of Junior Varsity games while my brother played. I attended stadium band practices at least twice a week. One night practice a week during football season and a walk through on Friday afternoon after school. Marched in numerous band competitions and I attended all graduations while I was in high school. The band always played Crimson and Grey the school song and the National Anthem and of course Pomp and Circumstance. My graduation was not the end of me visiting the stadium. I watched my niece cheer for Clearwater For Youth on Saturday afternoons and I have attended my siblings Graduations and Band Competitions since.

So it seems strange with so much history and life in the stadium that the school officials would have the graduation at a stadium a mile or so away. Oh it is nice and fancy and has more seats and a jumbo tron screen with fireworks but I know kids don't look around and remember all their high school memories as I did and do each time I go to Jack White stadium.

I was thinking tonight about the band directors Mr. Hacker that past away when I was a Sophomore and Mr. Smith and Mr. Kelsey and also the drum major when I was a Freshman and Sophomore Wendell. He did flips across the field as the band marched on the field and Jay and Bill and Chris and Wendy just a few more drum majors. Then there were the people I marched next to. Tony and Dwight and Bill. Sandra and Jane and Kim. My other friend Kim that was a majorette and all the Tornadoettes and all the flag girls. I don't even think they have Tornadoettes anymore. 30 years and I remember names and places we stood on the field and in parade line up and even some of the music we played. Lionel Richie's Still. The song has a section that the music gets quiet and at that point we turned to face away from the stadium and as the music builds back up we turned back towards the stadium. The details I remember marching under the stadium and feeling the vibration of the drums cadence in my chest. Beating with my heart with pride in a school that has been there for years before me and is still there 30 years later. The parents that worked selflessly making cotton candy, snow cones, pouring cokes and cooking hotdogs for all.  I still have pride in being part of the original CHS. You know there is that other one that couldn't come up with other letters to use but they are not original. They didn't even get their start until the mid 80's.

I also remember some of the football players a few All Americans in my time Terry Griggley and Hassan Jones. These were the star players in my day. I even wrote a blog last year about running into Hassan at every band members favorite after game eatery Capongna's Dugout only a block from my house. Still there still the same good food and the memories of Clearwater High and Jack White Stadium hang on the walls.

So now at 3 o'clock in the morning I want to thank Jack White for his contribution not only to my life but for his contribution to the community as well as his family for having a great website in his honor which was where I gathered most of my information on Jack. But my memories in that stadium will stay with me forever. Just like the man it was named for.

Fate

Today I learned something new about fate. Well, new to me. Fate is as old as Greek Mythology. Fate is a family business. Three sisters that control destiny.  Three sisters. I have three sisters. I do not think they were the three sisters mythology was talking about.  So as I learned this morning  these three sisters hold the thread of life. The first is the spinner of the thread when a baby is born and the second is the one that measured the length of thread and the third she cut the thread when one dies.

As some believe these three come to a new baby on the third night after being born and determine the child's fate. This is an interesting idea for me the worrier. I know they say you can beat fate but I have seen all the Final Destination movies. I knew right away in the first once you hear John Denver music it is all over for you. But there were a few that beat their fate but sooner or later I guess those sisters right the wrong that has happened and they get you. As the saying goes if you can't beat them, join them. So why worry. I make my choices and try to make everything right but in the end the end is the end and I can not change it. This may seem fatalistic. See look there is the word fate. stuck at the beginning. So today I want to write about some fate that I feel has been for the better. See sometimes when things happen it could seem terrible but in the end it was what had to happen so that the stars could align for something else to happen. That is how I think of fate.

Two things made me start thinking about this last night. I just recently dropped off a wedding album to a dear friend of mine who got married a month ago.I was so glad I could share his special moment with him and his new wife and family. Small wedding at the courthouse then we went to the Botanical Gardens and took some beautiful pictures. The next day they had a barbecue picnic reception. It was great to see old friends that we had not seen in a while and new family members. So the fate that got us to that point I guess now that I know the definition is not fate but maybe Devine intervention. But when I got fired from my last job she was the person they hired. And that is how he and she met. See I had to loose my job so she could get the job so they could meet and get married. That was a lot of work to get those two together. Now I have always said that loosing that job was the best thing that ever happened to me. Well now that makes three.

The second thing that had me thinking about Fate last night was that at work I had my monthly review. Now if I go back over the last year I have cried during more of these reviews than I care to admit but over the last few months no tears. It was not that I was upset by what they said it was the fear of what they could say. See for a long time I have still lived in fear of whomever is speaking to me from a boss point of view because of the boss at that job that I got fired from. Well my last supervisor who is the boss type that scares some people. I told him I like a boss that tells it like it is. I used to work for an awesome lady at Eckerd that most would have not wanted for a boss but for me I liked that as long as you did what you were supposed to be doing she left you to do it. If you had a question you better ask that was what she was there for and when you made a mistake she let you know. Well this last supervisor of mine was very similar in his ways. And he encouraged me to be more self confident and after the last shift bid which I cried because I was worried I would not get the shift I needed so I could still take care of my mom on Fridays like I have been for the last year. I got the days off but have had to work until 10 which gave me extra time at night when it was slow to take some online classes which Bright house offers. I decided that I would take ones that had to do with self confidence and with working with different types of people. I have taken 16 such courses over the last 5 months and I have seen a noticeable difference in my perception of others around me and of myself. I have learned about traits that I have and how to resolve conflicts better and how not to be defensive when someone is being critical and how to take ownership of my own mistakes and move on. Not to dwell on them.  So the supervisor I have now only recently got promoted to supervisor and she has take me on with the approach to help build my self confidence by reassuring me that I do a good job almost daily. Both of them have encouraged me to do things that I might have not wanted to do but only because I lacked the confidence to do it. So as we started to go over my six month review she asked me first how I thought I did. I told her I thought I meet expectations but could do better. I do enough to get by but should be able to do more. Just getting by. She said really. Just getting by. Well then she said what my rank was for this shift bid and I was surprised. I thought I would be in the middle of the pack hopefully ranked high enough to still have my Friday Saturday off so I could still help my mom. But ready to deal with whatever came my way. No tears of worry. Just gonna do what I have to do to get things taken care of. Then she told me that I do not just skate by that I do an outstanding job not just a meets. So I got to pick the shift I wanted and no tears were shed. I get embarrassed as people say things that are good about me. To me it is just doing my job nothing extra. But she assured me that it is and that the classes I have taken have helped me a lot at work.

A lot of things have come together recently for me both in my head and in real life. They are two totally different things. In my head I usually go through every worse case scenario before whatever is going to happen happens and then realize that it is not always going to be the bad thing that is going to happen. Sometimes as with recently there are good things going to happen. I am glad I am more receptive to the good things and worry less about what could happen.

So I am good with the three sisters of Fate. They have already spun my thread and measured its length now I have to do the best I can with the time I have and not worry about hearing the John Denver music. When it comes it comes.

Social Media is killing Social Skills

It is always the same in the middle of the night I cannot sleep. Tonight it is hot. I can not believe it is only April and it is this stinking hot out. Which you know when you are agitated there is nothing worse than being hot.  So what has got me hot under the collar tonight. I have broached this subject before but I think I am the only one reading or maybe just the only one that understands the message.

Social Media is killing human beings social skills. I know I have mentioned Emily Post before but if you are under 30 or even 40 or 80 and do not understand proper social etiquette maybe you should not be able to post things on the Internet. I have recently realized the only thing that has a better memory than me is the Internet. The Internet never forgets the stupid things you have said or done. So if you want to forget the stupid things you do in life do not post them on the Internet. Ever. Do not post stupid things your friends are doing. The stupid thing they did last night they may not want to remember or have their mom find out tomorrow. And for those of you that are the mothers and fathers of today's children please do not air your dirty laundry on the Internet for the amusement of others it is not amusing and when your children grow up and google your name do you want them to know how stupid you were or still are.

I have been tossing around the idea on giving up on FB friends and letting go of something I sometimes enjoy and other times despise. Do I let go of everything or just the people that make me this upset? I feel like I must refer back to the beginning when I started to write this blog that I gave myself rules and I shared some of my life rules which have served me well for these last 40 odd years. So rule Number One: Never Go Back. So if I cut the ties with you tonight or tomorrow there is probably no turning back for me. Or there is the clean slate. Delete everyone and start fresh. Just remove the people that make me mad. See I don't have a problem with people having a different opinion than mine if it is valid or if you are going to be an idiot be an idiot towards everyone. So everyone knows you are an idiot. What you do not realize is that this is not the first time we have been at this cross roads. You have been there with others before and they have either deleted you or blocked you. Which are both viable options. I keep giving you another chance and another chance and you just don't seem to get it. My friendship is valuable and at some point I think yours was to but now we are at a point I don't really think we are or ever were really friends. Mostly because you don't think that my feelings matter or those that are close to me.

See how vague I am being it is because my first rule in blogging was not to use any one's name and to never be hurtful directly to another person. If you think this is about you well pick up an Emily Post book and rethink your life. But odds are with me on this one. If this is about you, well you would never imagine that it could be about you because you have never spoken anything but the truth and if the truth hurts well you don't give a crap about that either.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is how self serving some people can be. I have friends that I never would have thought to be friends until I saw some of the things they post. They share their heart. Now I know that everything in the world is not sunshine and roses and I am not saying don't share when it is not but really everyday of your life does not suck and if it does change it. I try like hell to change myself for the better and over the years because I remember I know I am now better than I was 20 years ago. I know I still have faults to work on but I try. And some days I fail. Today is not going to be a failure. So if you think moving on is right for you that is fine move on. Delete me or remove yourself and by a journal. Please. Save me from deleting you. I try really hard to not give up on you to hope there is good in your heart but if there is not. Well at least now we are both clear on that.

See I always post a link to my blog on the old FB but not today. This is a self serving blog and I am going to get the guilty pleasure of not sharing it with you. If you found it great and if not your loss.

Hard Candy Shell and Soft Sweet Interior

Almost always before I write a new post I read an old one. Sometimes I look down the list of titles and go to a similar emotion or situation and see where I went the time before and try to figure out where I am going today. Well it is early in the morning for me 7:30 and the birds have been singing since I don't know when. I have been awake for more than an hour and I didn't fall asleep until after 3. So I am still tired but my head does not always want to stop thinking for the sake of sleep. So I figured get up play a game of solitaire and write and maybe then I can take a nap. Hopefully.

Well the post I read today was about Radar. I wrote it back in September. Surprisingly enough he is still hanging on. Not doing as well as back in September which I thought was rough but he is doing worse. My brother however has been amazing with him. My brother Al does not have much patience for anything. He likes things the way he likes them and that is that. I said back in September how we were alike in a lot of ways but patience is not a word that I would have used to describe him until now. The way I thought of him last night was like an M&M hard candy shell that is soft and sweet on the inside. Most if not all that know Al would say that everyone is familiar with his hard candy shell. He does not remove it often to show the soft sweet inside. But Radar (his dog) does not see anything else. As far as he is concerned the sun rises and sets by Al. And Al thinks the same of that silly dog.

When I thought last night that if Al was a candy it would be an M&M, I thought well what would I be and I thought a Sour Patch Kid. Sweet exterior  but a little hard to bite into. As you can see the flavors are totally different but you still have to take a bite to get either one of us completely.  I know it is totally against our family's way but I am so proud of my brother and wish that everyone that knew him realized what a great guy he is. It is really hard to get past the shell but the inside is so sweet. Now Al does not have a computer so unless I print this out and take it to him he will not read it which maybe someday I will but not today. Most likely my sisters will not read it either. Each of us in our own way is just like the other. As Brian likes to say about the 5 of us we are like some kind of cloning project gone bad. You can just tell when you meet one of us that you know all of us. So for the soft sweet center of all of us I shed tears this morning again for Radar and my brother. I know it is ridiculous to mourn before someone is gone but maybe it makes me appreciate the time I have left to share with the ones I love.

Now I told you back in September how Al walks Radar religiously 4 times a day. Well Radar can not walk around the park anymore and he doesn't go in the house anymore because it is too hard for him to climb the steps and well lately Al pretty much carries him where he is going because his legs are just too wobbly. But those eyes of that silly dog are so full of love and admiration for my brother. His head perks up as soon as he hears the sound of Al's car pulling in the driveway and that silly wiggle butt of his starts going and does not stop until he can see Al's face. They still have their afternoon ritual of going in the pool. Al now lays a rug out for Radar to put his head on when he gets out of the pool and sets his food and water in front of him and Al visits with our mom and they dry off. Radar eats and drinks before they head inside for an evening of television.

As I also said back in September I mourn first and ask questions later. And I have tried to remind my brother that I know it is hard to take care of Radar as he has but Al is amazing with that stinking dog. Things that he would not tolerate from me or our mom he takes from the dog. Doesn't matter accident on the floor no big deal. Clean it up. Spills the water. No big deal get a bowl that is easier for Radar to drink from and clean it up. As it got harder for Radar's legs to hold him up Al got him vitamins for his joints and whatever else he needed.

I only share this today not to say that Al is a saint. He is not but to say that all of us even Al who mostly only shows that hard candy shell has a inside that very few get to see. Like Al I feel like the barrier I put up between me and others is not for your sake but mine. I must guard myself against those that would expose the softer inside and take advantage of it. I think Al is a lot like that. He has a heart as big as the world and most would never know. Most would not take the time to get past that hard exterior. You can chip away for years and until you see him taking care of Radar or my favorite picture of Uncle Al is him holding one of our nieces when she was maybe a few months old and the other about 5 or 6 leaning hard against him smiling as big as the world. Al even has a little grin that probably had to be coaxed out of him. Again just a few seconds exposure that anyone looking would know he loves those kids.

I find it funny how my brain works. I have been thinking half the night about comparing my brother to an M&M and still can not think of a title for this post or a moral of this story. Maybe it is just that things are not always what they appear and what is hard for one person is easy for another it is only because that person's life has been spent getting to this moment and yours has not. Life is funny that way. When something happens you think you cannot handle or get through you do. Maybe it is part of the bigger plan and what you are getting through today is going to bring you to a bigger challenge that you can face being braver than you ever thought you could tomorrow. Either way a few words I do not say enough I am very proud of my brother and have an unbelievable respect for him. And whatever today brings he can face head on and is a better person for these last few months one humble dog has brought the best out in him and the rest of us.

You just can't help but love that bad dog. Love you Radar.

Hello Friends

So I am going to say up front. I know exactly what I am writing about today. Of course it came to me in the shower. Since I know I have already peeked the interest of my co-workers. Let's get on with it.
Well I try really hard to follow some rules that I laid out when I started writing this blog. Never to use any one's name in a way that might be hurtful. Some may believe I have broken it but trust me. There are a lot more names that I could of said that I did not. But this is about friends and even though I don't like to name names I have realized recently that with all the pain I have gone through in the last few years one thing that I have found is friends.

My Brighthouse friends are slowly becoming as my Eckerd friends are so dear to me. Unlike Eckerd I am no longer the youngest one in the group. Sometimes I feel like the old lady of the bunch.

The first day May 21, 2012. I did not know what I was in for. I had not worked in a year and well to say the least the last few weeks before starting a new job were stressful. I walked into the lobby that morning of a  nice size office building and thought you can do this Jeanne. My first concern as I waited was that I would be the only female in the training class but as I looked around at the others waiting knowing that they were most likely there for the same thing I was to start a new job at a new company. Not knowing anyone is the worst but our trainer came and got us and I think we were as destine to have Mike as our trainer as we were to all be in this training class together. Now Brighthouse provided us with about 6 weeks of training. So by the time you are on the phone with a customer you feel like you know what you are doing and it is not your first day. So you really get to know the people you are training with.

So because I can I am going to name the people of our training class. I know you are thinking why well because they all have played a part in the me that is here today. I know I still struggle with a lot of stuff but when I think of where I have been I am getting someplace. Now in most instances I imagine training classes come and go. I heard people say after we were on the phones not very long. Oh, I have been here 6 months and am the only one left from my training class. Well this is where I think we are different. Of the 15 people in our training class which was one of the largest classes to date there are still 12 of us working for Brighthouse. Monica left after a week on the phone and until a few months ago all the rest of us were still working for the company. The person that sat next to me Mindy moved out west where her family is from and Faye just recently retired. Now that still leaves Natasha, Tom, Arlene, Tracey, Mary Ann, Savvas, Art, Orlando, Steve, Steven, Twan and myself. So why does this matter. Well I was thinking of how we all started out together and I am sure most move on and go their separate ways after training but for some reason we all keep up with one another. If you have ever worked in a call center you would know that longevity is not what most employees are known for but here this bunch of people have hung in there. Some still on the phones. Some work from home and love the freedom of that and others have found other departments. Not to say we are not all on the phone all the time but doing different things other than talking directly to customers and fixing their troubles over the phone.

I was thinking of my memory and how I remember things is because I think about them. I think of these people fondly and on that first day never would have imagined that not only was I standing there waiting to start a new job with a bunch of strangers but that they would actually become friends.

The office I work in now has three people in it from my training class and two more work downstairs. But here again I have found people that I truly call friends. Now yesterday was not a good day for me. I was having a rough time just getting through. I was routing I did have a hard route but I felt like I could not do it. But here is where the friends come in. The supervisor came back and got me to a place where I could focus and assured me that we could get everything done and the person next to me asked if she could help and the next thing I knew my jobs were getting out. Now I wasn't done there but on my lunch another co-worker came out and listened to me babble on about what a bad day I was having and sent me a picture of a beach with the message that I can do it. I know to some these things would not add up to much but for me it was the world. I know I am not like everyone else and sometimes that is hardest for me to get by. But these people all have decided one for all and all for one. And no matter who needs it we are there for each other every day.

Now almost 3 years in with Brighthouse I am part of a team that I am truly proud of. I have friends and co-workers alike that not only help me out but I would do anything for them. I have never been one to have a lot of friends. Better good ones than a bunch. But today I feel like I have a bunch of good friends that I work with everyday. And am blessed to have them each and every one of them.

So I thank Brighthouse for hiring me and I thank all the people that I have met along the way for truly being Good Friends.

Our differences are our similarities

Whenever I can't sleep at night the first thought that comes to my head is "it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it looks like it's gonna be another sleepless night."  For those of you that don't know the lyrics to Crystal Gale's Talking in your sleep, it is one of those songs from the 70's I love. And looking that up I had no idea how many songs had to do with being up in the middle of the night. Well at this point it is 6 o'clock in the morning and it is freezing. Literally freezing. When I woke a hour or so ago to the sound of the heater trying to heat our freezing little house, Brian said it was 34 degrees outside and dropping. I have now gotten up and lit the fireplace. Which seems to be where I start a lot of the the time.

Since most of you have never been to our humble abode, we keep the computer in the front room of the house. It is surrounded by windows which I love but the real reason is it is just on the back side of the living room through an cutout that I think used to be the front window of the house. I like the light and I remember reading a long time ago that when you have kids in the house the best place for the computer was somewhere that everyone is. Not that we have kids but I always thought it was a good idea not to be sitting off in a room by yourself on this thing for hours at a time. So next to the desk I sit at is a small filing cabinet. One of the many possessions of my aunt's that I was "blessed with" as my mother likes to say.

My Aunt Jan. She was my mother's older and only sister. 3 years older than mom but in someways could not be more different. Same goes for the way I have always thought of her and I. Jan that is. Now for the differences she was tall and thin and had very short hair. Me not so much, not at all tall or thin and have always worn my hair longer but usually back in a pony tail which my sister tells me I should just cut it off if I am never going to where it down. But that is just how I like it.

So this was the rub. When we were kids I can remember a few specific times that she asked me why I was fat or remarked about my weight. Now when I say I was a kid I know I could not have been more than 11 or 12. So that has always left that mark that I was not good enough on me. Now she was very intellectual and might have thought that this question would start some sort of dialogue while I was riding in the car with her for hours because that is where she said it. When her and I and my grandmother were on a trip together. See when I was a kid my aunt and grandma were in the antique business and did mall antique shows. And there is nothing like being the grunt labor to help pack in and pack out the show and sit for untold hours in a mall somewhere you have never been before. The upside was an ice cream cone at some point in the afternoon when you thought your head was going to explode from boredom. Which meant only a few more hours to go. The best part was when my sisters and I would be there together and we would try on rings and bracelets from the jewelry case. And show off to each other what was our favorite. But only take out one thing at a time and keep those cases closed was usually what my aunt or grandmother would tell us.

So see I always thought her mean for saying things to me about being fat. Maybe that sounds harsh since she is not here to defend herself but I will do that as well because you know I try not to leave a negative light on anyone. Especially someone that is no longer around to defend herself and her words. See Jan passed away from cancer when she was my age over 20 years ago. Ovarian Cancer. Now for a woman to die at this age that I now think young but when I was 23 it was a lifetime away. I did not see many similarities. She had gone to college and travelled the world. She never married after college lived with her parents and I would have said before I opened this file cabinet that she really didn't have any friends. Now the antique business was not the only thing she did. She was a school teacher. Not an ordinary school teacher but she taught what was then called ELP. Enhanced Learning Program. This was something that she had us all tested for our IQ and my brother and I were in ELP together. It was one of those once a week programs got you out of regular class and learning some cool and different stuff. Learned to play chess which I have forgotten and how to write Haiku (which I just had to look up how to spell) but is a form of Japanese poetry that doesn't rhyme. No we did not have her for our teacher. It was enough that we would sometimes have our mom for a substitute PE (physical education) teacher. She also was the one that got my grandmother to invest in real estate which was very good for them. I will tell that story another night.

When I opened one drawer the first thing I saw was antique brochures and news paper articles. They also owned an antique shop on the beach in the building that they owned. She wrote a column for the Beach Views the beach newspaper. I opened the other drawer and there was travel information and letters and post cards from Monestaries. Hmm. I thought I know Jan had a friend that was a priest. I have emailed him a few times. He had sent my grandma a card with an email address and she had asked me to write him. So I did. Have not heard from him in years and not to long ago found the card with the email address on the desk. Of course a Christmas card with a scene of Mary on a donkey with Joseph in the night walking toward a manger. Not an important detail but one I remember anyway. Also papers she had written. So one day this week I decided in that spare time I have now between when Brian leaves for work and when I need to go I was going to pull out a folder or two and take a peek at what has been sitting here for more than 10 years. As for the travel she travelled the world. She went to the Galopogos Islands, China and Africa and Ireland. She also took 2 of my sisters and myself to Cumberland Island, Ga. A place I have written about before. A place I want to take my own nieces and nephew. Maybe this summer. Which made me think of how I feel about Jan and how they feel about me.

So as I read I found similarities between her and I. I know all you would be psycologists that was what you were expecting. She wrote about events in her life. Incidents. If she had had a computer she might have had a blog. She was religious. Now this I knew. More Churchy than me but as I read some things were similar. I have always thought myself faithful not really religious. But I found that she to took issue with the established church sometimes. As I looked at the newspaper clippings yes there was one about childhood obesity I would have expected nothing less. But she also had a picture of Phyliss Diller that had a quote basically saying don't give up on your dreams. Hmm. Again. Dreams. I would have not took her for a dreamer. She to me was a do'er. Always going somewhere doing something. But as I read her writing she seemed she must have had times to contemplate her life and it's meaning and purpose. And those letters well her and her friend the priest had been writing back and forth for 10 years. He had lived at different monestaries which is what most of the post cards were from. She must have shared her questions she had with her life's path. He assured her that God would lead the way. Her last trip she took was to Ireland where he was at that time. The other night I read what may have been the last letter he wrote her. She was in the hospital after surgery. He was assuring her that she had to keep the faith and God would see her through this. I don't think he used the word cancer. She would have. Because she was always very matter of fact. Which looking back at myself I used to be that way. I did not see the truth as cruel when I said it. Maybe that was how she looked at asking why I was fat.

My mom told me the other night that after she was sick my mom offered to travel with her back to Ireland but she declined. My mother knew that priest was important and so was Ireland. Of course we have Irish herritage. Supposedly one of our great-great-great grandfathers and grandmothers was from Ireland. They came over and lived in Louisville before the Civil War. That same great-great-great grandfather actually died in a Civil War battle in Perryville, Ky. Jan wrote a book about it. Another project to get it published or at least self publish to give copies to the nieces and nephews.

So where does this leave us. Out in the cold? No. The sun is up and Jan and I are not so different. Yes our paths very different. I feel like she lived a full life. I am sure she would not agree.  But I am also childless 40 something trying to create a legacy for my sisters kids. Who like me at there age are not very interested. I write the words that one day they might find insight into their actions from mine. How family is family and sometimes like I have said before the thing you don't like about someone else is sometimes a reflection of yourself.

I may try to email the priest again. I wonder if he still has all the letters she wrote?

I Tolerate you till death do us part

With Valentine's Day coming up I thought I would write about Love and Marriage and Tolerance. These all go together well at least in my mind. It goes way back to a day that I was irritated with Brian and he kept saying I love you. And at that moment I was mad. I said, "I tolerate you." Then he was madder. Well I went on to explain the meaning of tolerate.  Merriam-Webster says, to allow (something that is bad or unpleasant) to happen, exist or be done. or to accept the feelings or beliefs or another.  Which is similar to what I told Brian that day. I said, "you know before me you had other girlfriends and I assume that they all said they love you right?" He agreed but still not happy. I said then why are they not still here? Because they didn't tolerate you. See you can love something or someone and it will get you by for a while but if you do not tolerate all they are inside and out then you will not last forever. And I tolerate you. Forever.

Well that was not the end of that day but it was forever ingrained in both of us that we have to be able to put up with the things that irritate the crap out of us that the other does. It is the same for any relationship. Brothers, and sisters, moms and dads and even friends. Everyone has a childhood friend that something happened somewhere along the way and you could no longer tolerate their behavior or they yours and poof. No more friendship. Same with families that no longer speak. So my determination is that if you want a relationship to last yes love is nice but the key is tolerate the other person till death do us part. I know that no one is going to change their vows to include tolerate but I think it is the most important one.

Had a dear friend from middle school until we were into are 20's she was bitchy and bossy and always wanted to be in charge and that was ok. She slept with my boyfriend of 7 years. Couldn't tolerate that end of friendship. End of boyfriend too. Couldn't tolerate his behavior any longer either.

This is the sort of action that some would tolerate. Some would say I can get past it but I believe that is the seed that starts the process of no longer loving the person. In my case seed planted and grew to maturity in about 3.2 seconds that day for them both.

On a side note for tolerance. I think the world could use a lot more of it. Sometimes that thing that irritates you about someone else is something inside of you that you do not like either. So if everyone would try to be more tolerant of the people around them the world could be a much better place.

And for those of you considering marriage keep in mind that thing that they do that bothers you. You know everyone does something that you were like wow. Now if I didn't love you that could be a deal breaker. Well consider how much that thing irritates you that they do and consider that they may do that thing everyday for the rest of your life. And if you can tolerate it than you should be good to go.

So this Valentine's day when you are expressing your love with a sappy card and some candy or flowers remember that the thing that keeps you together is not that you love each other. It is that you tolerate each other. Forever.