I suppose my Thanksgiving started like yours. I started by making my favorite food fresh cranberries. Followed up by my first attempt at a pumpkin pie. Last nights pecan pie wasn't quite the success I wanted a little over cooked but hopefully edible. This morning's pumpkin pie was a little runnier than I would have liked but seemed to shape up ok. Funny thing with pie is there is no way to know for sure until you cut into it. I might be a failure but won't know for sure until I present them to my whole family later today. Hopefully not.
So my favorite thing for Thanksgiving morning is to watch the the Macy's day parade. Not really the parade but the Broadway show actors that highlight songs and dancing before the parade starts. It is really to fill the space in front of Macy's for the hour it takes for the parade to get to that spot. But always ends with the Rockettes another favorite of mine. All of these homey moments brought to you by Hallmark or something like that was interrupted by kids outside.
Now these neighborhood kids are not the children or grandchildren of my neighbors. These kids are residents at a group home. The house has been a group home the entire time we have lived here and has changed the types of kids that have lived here over the years. When we first moved in it was runaway kids and foster kids needing a place to stay. Sometimes just until their parents picked them up and others much longer. Back then the man that ran the house was very involved and Brian and I would make donations when we could of items they needed. Sometimes that was games and toys or books. Sometimes it was sharing a few moments on Christmas morning with kids that didn't have anywhere else to be and no one else to be with. We would get them a new set of pajamas and a backpack full of things that kids normally have. They each got their own. Some of my best Christmas moments with kids were spent with kids that I don't know their names or what happened to them next. I just wanted us to be a positive moment for kids that don't have a lot of positive in their lives.
Later the home changed to housing teenage pregnant girls again. When we could we would share things with the girls. This was fun to buy nail polish, fluffy socks and things teenage girls would enjoy. Well last year when the government shutdown the house lost their funding and closed. It sat empty for probably 6 months. Then we started to see the stirring of people around the house but this time things are different. Mostly boys now I don't know what they are there for but they seem to have quite a bit of trouble at the house because almost daily we have a squad of police cars in front of our house. Now in the beginning we would have the police usually dropping off runaways a safe place for them until their parents could pick them up. But now the police are coming to arrest kids. I don't know what for but in the last couple months it has been daily events of police cars, paddy wagons and ambulances.
Our neighborhood is not very neighborly most of the people that live on our street are renters of duplexes, some houses are empty and even after more than 15 years we only know a few neighbors.
So back to this morning and the boys out front smoking in front of my house. It frustrated me because one of the adults that works at the house walked out and was watching but since the boys were in the street he didn't do anything. After a few minutes I walked outside and asked what they were doing. The two younger boys went back across the street and the older stood there and smoked. He didn't care. I get it he is 18 but the adults running this place have no control and clearly these kids have no respect. The best the adult could say was that lady is going to call the cops. So now it is my fault that these kids are going to get in trouble.
I have asked the police about the house and what is going on and Brian has joked that they might as well have a sub station there. We have now found out the name of the company that runs the home. I will be making a phone call on Friday. But while I took a shower this morning. You know that is where my best thinking comes. I thought I need to spin this in a positive way. Not for the company but for the kids. My interest is selfish. I want to be safe at my home but I also don't want these kids to believe all adults are the enemy. They also need to believe that they can make their situation better.
Who am I to believe I have any idea what these kids are going through. I can only imagine what these kids think of the world. In times of tragedy like after Hurricane Katrina I told Brian I can't watch anymore of the suffering if I am unable to help. So here I stand in my own house and I look out the window seeing these kids and the only reason to lash out like this is that no one has shown them a better way. Or if they have they haven't shown them that they are capable of changing their ways.
So I am going to make a phone call not to complain but to try to fix this problem. If whomever this group is that is running the house is interested in fixing the problem. I will help them find a way but if they aren't well. Then I will have to work a different direction. But these kids aren't going to think of the lady across the street to be the one that calls the cops. I will also not stop the cops from doing their jobs. I taught some of the girls that many years ago when I helped.
Those moments make differences. Maybe not today. But one day some of these kids will remember that there was a positive influence in their lives and there was someone to show them the way to a better future for themselves and my little corner of the world.
Thursday, November 28, 2019
Monday, November 25, 2019
Battle of Perryville
Deep breath, and then a sigh. I have been so busy lately with so much stuff. I have now been working with the Historical Society for 2 years now. And I have been volunteering weekly and enjoy it more than I probably should. A lady that came in the museum the other day said something as I was telling her about what we had we started talking and she said, "I don't know if I want to look around or sit and talk to you." That was a great compliment for a person who likes to tell stories about this place that I grew up. Another lady I met one day wrote a book about Dunedin and the Fenway Hotel. It was a very slow day at the museum but as soon as she said she was published I was fascinated by every word she said. She was so nice once I told her of my interest in writing she asked me to join her writing group.
This bunch of ladies are so smart. They all have experience I don't as far as writing. To me writing is me and a piece of paper and pen or a blank screen and a keyboard. My brain barely engaged. My fingers know what to type sometimes when I have no idea what I need to say. So this group of ladies has not only inspired me to work on getting something I have written published but in the back of my head I have always wanted to get my Aunt Jan's manuscript published. It is about the Civil War.
She wrote about being a soldier and my great-great-great grandfather's part in the war. Speaking of battles and brigades and things I remember her researching when I was a kid. After travelling to Perryville, Kentucky she came home with a civil war button and a bullet for each of my brother and sisters.
The last couple weeks I started typing word for word her words. Matching her comma for comma. I had never sat down and read the whole thing until I finished last night. And as I got to the end I wondered how she would end it. I mean the battle that in that day was known to be one of the bloodiest battles the shear number of men lost just made me stop when you say 54,000 Union soldiers.Over 4,000 left on the battlefield is just so many people. For a comparison in 1860 in Louisville, Kentucky which is where my relative was from the population was only 100,000. Then I think about Bardstown Road probably the path they took marching from Louisville to Bardstown and then to Perryville. Well thanks to Google I know that walking that far would take about 24 hours. Now imagine being thirsty because they were short of water and the water they had was contaminated. It is October and probably cool at night again Google says 45 for a low and 68 for a high.
About 14 years ago Brian and I went to a re-enactment there at Perryville. The battlefield is now a park. There was a house that was still standing at that time that had been used by a doctor to try to help the injured. While we were there that day they had what they called a ghost walk in the evening it was like walking through a cemetery and having the ghosts stop and tell you how it was for him. They read letters that were written from the battlefield and told accounts of the battle. Then there is a part of me that was there that day. Edmond didn't know that over a hundred years later someone would write about him. Or that I would travel to the place one day. Or that I would come back years later with two more generations of his descendants. He didn't know any of that back then. I am not even sure why he was there. He had only been here in the US less than 10 years. Was he just trying to make money or did he believe in the cause or did he not want to deal with the death of his wife and his two small daughters at home. Whichever way it was for Edmond. I know it seems strange but I know some bit of me was there. Even though these are not places that I have ever lived I have visited many times in my life that somehow I am connected to that place. My mother's side of the family lived in Louisville since before the Civil War until 1962 when her family moved to Florida.
As usual I got a little off but someday 100 years from now one of my great great nieces or nephews may read these words and know that some part of them was here with me tonight. There is a part of my heart that is old as the sun and the moon. And it is in that old soul that I connect with things most don't.
My aunt ended with a short family tree and some of the documents from Edmond's time as a Union soldier. So I am getting closer to my goal of getting it published. I need to scan her images, maps and documents then I am going to try to send an excerpt to a publisher. I know when I do Edmond and Jan will be there. Wish them luck.
This bunch of ladies are so smart. They all have experience I don't as far as writing. To me writing is me and a piece of paper and pen or a blank screen and a keyboard. My brain barely engaged. My fingers know what to type sometimes when I have no idea what I need to say. So this group of ladies has not only inspired me to work on getting something I have written published but in the back of my head I have always wanted to get my Aunt Jan's manuscript published. It is about the Civil War.
She wrote about being a soldier and my great-great-great grandfather's part in the war. Speaking of battles and brigades and things I remember her researching when I was a kid. After travelling to Perryville, Kentucky she came home with a civil war button and a bullet for each of my brother and sisters.
The last couple weeks I started typing word for word her words. Matching her comma for comma. I had never sat down and read the whole thing until I finished last night. And as I got to the end I wondered how she would end it. I mean the battle that in that day was known to be one of the bloodiest battles the shear number of men lost just made me stop when you say 54,000 Union soldiers.Over 4,000 left on the battlefield is just so many people. For a comparison in 1860 in Louisville, Kentucky which is where my relative was from the population was only 100,000. Then I think about Bardstown Road probably the path they took marching from Louisville to Bardstown and then to Perryville. Well thanks to Google I know that walking that far would take about 24 hours. Now imagine being thirsty because they were short of water and the water they had was contaminated. It is October and probably cool at night again Google says 45 for a low and 68 for a high.
About 14 years ago Brian and I went to a re-enactment there at Perryville. The battlefield is now a park. There was a house that was still standing at that time that had been used by a doctor to try to help the injured. While we were there that day they had what they called a ghost walk in the evening it was like walking through a cemetery and having the ghosts stop and tell you how it was for him. They read letters that were written from the battlefield and told accounts of the battle. Then there is a part of me that was there that day. Edmond didn't know that over a hundred years later someone would write about him. Or that I would travel to the place one day. Or that I would come back years later with two more generations of his descendants. He didn't know any of that back then. I am not even sure why he was there. He had only been here in the US less than 10 years. Was he just trying to make money or did he believe in the cause or did he not want to deal with the death of his wife and his two small daughters at home. Whichever way it was for Edmond. I know it seems strange but I know some bit of me was there. Even though these are not places that I have ever lived I have visited many times in my life that somehow I am connected to that place. My mother's side of the family lived in Louisville since before the Civil War until 1962 when her family moved to Florida.
As usual I got a little off but someday 100 years from now one of my great great nieces or nephews may read these words and know that some part of them was here with me tonight. There is a part of my heart that is old as the sun and the moon. And it is in that old soul that I connect with things most don't.
My aunt ended with a short family tree and some of the documents from Edmond's time as a Union soldier. So I am getting closer to my goal of getting it published. I need to scan her images, maps and documents then I am going to try to send an excerpt to a publisher. I know when I do Edmond and Jan will be there. Wish them luck.
Saturday, September 21, 2019
Friends forever
Tonight, I wanted to write about Friendship.. I am not a person with a million followers on Facebook or Snapchat (which I don't even have). I have what I would call true friends. Those are friends that you know, in person. Friends that you share life with not just share pictures of your live with. These are the friends that you call and will always answer. The ones that you can reach out to and they will be there to catch you, hold you or listen to you.
Romanticizing friendship on Social Media people say how important their friends are but how often do you hold your hand out and know there is going to be someone reaching back. It doesn't matter if life is good or not. If I am happy or sad. There are friends in my life that I know that if I pick up the phone they are there. And even if God only knows I would never not be there for them.
A week or so ago, I was telling someone at work about one of my friends and said how we had been friends for more than 30 years. I actually have more of those than work friends. Somehow my work friends usually become the 30 year kind. I am sure she can't fathom having friends that long since she probably isn't 30 years old. I feel like just like furniture and everything else in a 20 something's life friends are also disposable. There is nothing further from the truth. To have a friend you knew in middle school at my age each time we get together we can talk about the same good times and have the same memories and same feelings good or bad, happy or sad. Feelings of appreciation for the times we have shared even if they are years apart.
Changes happen and sometimes I don't see an old friend for a long time but then meet up with one of those 30 year friends that I haven't seen in that amount of time but it doesn't matter. There is something about a true friend no matter when the last time you talked or why it has been so long. When we get together all that matters is that we are there. I had another that I met up a few years back and we shared so many of the same things in life you don't realize all the ups and downs until you are reviewing that many years in one sitting.
You ask what is the purpose of all this friend talk. It is to say Thanks. Thanks for always being there. For always having my back. And if you are reading this and I have know you forever I consider you one of those people that if you reach out I will be there and please never forget. I am here for you. Even if you aren't 30 years old. There are a few of you out there that just aren't as old as me but I have probably known you most of your life. I am there for you as well. Love you.
Romanticizing friendship on Social Media people say how important their friends are but how often do you hold your hand out and know there is going to be someone reaching back. It doesn't matter if life is good or not. If I am happy or sad. There are friends in my life that I know that if I pick up the phone they are there. And even if God only knows I would never not be there for them.
A week or so ago, I was telling someone at work about one of my friends and said how we had been friends for more than 30 years. I actually have more of those than work friends. Somehow my work friends usually become the 30 year kind. I am sure she can't fathom having friends that long since she probably isn't 30 years old. I feel like just like furniture and everything else in a 20 something's life friends are also disposable. There is nothing further from the truth. To have a friend you knew in middle school at my age each time we get together we can talk about the same good times and have the same memories and same feelings good or bad, happy or sad. Feelings of appreciation for the times we have shared even if they are years apart.
Changes happen and sometimes I don't see an old friend for a long time but then meet up with one of those 30 year friends that I haven't seen in that amount of time but it doesn't matter. There is something about a true friend no matter when the last time you talked or why it has been so long. When we get together all that matters is that we are there. I had another that I met up a few years back and we shared so many of the same things in life you don't realize all the ups and downs until you are reviewing that many years in one sitting.
You ask what is the purpose of all this friend talk. It is to say Thanks. Thanks for always being there. For always having my back. And if you are reading this and I have know you forever I consider you one of those people that if you reach out I will be there and please never forget. I am here for you. Even if you aren't 30 years old. There are a few of you out there that just aren't as old as me but I have probably known you most of your life. I am there for you as well. Love you.
Wednesday, September 11, 2019
Sailing Away
I started this post about 6 months ago after I watched a video called "Stories from the Stage" one of my newer loves is someone standing up in front of total strangers and telling a bit about them self. That day a woman of about my age told of wanting to quit everything to live her dream and after much anguish she did. Since I am the reliable steadfast type it is hard for me to imagine sticking my neck out that far. I mean I wouldn't have a steady paycheck or insurance. How could I be so reckless?
My dream would be to sail a sailboat up the Mississippi River and then the Ohio River. Why? Because it is something my dad talked about when we were kids building a boat and sail it up to Ohio and see if he could get all the way to where his brother, my Uncle Chuck lived. That was from when I was less than 10 years old. Uncle Chuck died when I was in middle school but I have never forgotten that my dad wanted to do that. Maybe it was his dream to get away but more likely with him it was to prove that he could do it. That is why I do most of the things I do. Just so I can prove to myself I can do anything I put my mind to.
Dad did build that sailboat in our driveway as kids. We used to sit on the deck in the driveway sunning ourselves. We have pictures of every step of the building process from plans. First the wooden frame and then he built the fiberglass hull and created something from nothing. He had a party when the hull was finished to flip it over. I can't remember how many guys it took to get the hull flipped from upside down to right side up in a cradle that still holds it today.. That boat moved from one driveway to another at least 3 times. That boat has never floated. It has never quite been finished and now that I am well past the age which he started it still seems like a project that needs to be finished and honestly I have no idea what it would take other than hard work.
I think about the sailing adventure and stopping along the way and meeting new people and having old friends visit me as I travel along. I have watched plenty of movies about sailing adventures and most don't end up as the sailor expects. There is always that unplanned hurricane, crashing into a cargo container or the mast breaking. These are scenes from one of those movies Brian wouldn't watch All is Lost. Now the title does kinda give away it isn't gonna be the best trip ever. But it is one of those movies that there is no dialog except for a few expletives that Robert Redford says to himself. Even though this isn't a movie about visiting lush islands and sinking barefoot into the sand as you jump off your boat on a tropical island. It is about how things can go.
In the months that have past since I started this I found a book by an author that I really liked his first book that I read Blue Highways by William Least Heat Moon. I really love travel adventures. Finding places you have never been and then going. Another thing I have in common with my dad. Since his retirement every few years there is a trip that lasts a month or so. He plans from the time one trip ends until the next starts. I am not sure which part he likes more planning or doing but when he does it he goes all in and lives the life. Well William Least Heat Moon has a newer book called River-horse about crossing the United States by boat. Trying to use rivers and interior bodies of water. I read the first chapter online the other day and ordered the book.At the beginning he speaks of his road atlas the way some would speak of their favorite book. It may be taped together but it can not be replaced.
It is like I tell Brian just because we don't know where we are we aren't lost. I love turning the corner and finding a new way to get somewhere. Maybe one day the boat will be finished and I can sail it.
My dream would be to sail a sailboat up the Mississippi River and then the Ohio River. Why? Because it is something my dad talked about when we were kids building a boat and sail it up to Ohio and see if he could get all the way to where his brother, my Uncle Chuck lived. That was from when I was less than 10 years old. Uncle Chuck died when I was in middle school but I have never forgotten that my dad wanted to do that. Maybe it was his dream to get away but more likely with him it was to prove that he could do it. That is why I do most of the things I do. Just so I can prove to myself I can do anything I put my mind to.
Dad did build that sailboat in our driveway as kids. We used to sit on the deck in the driveway sunning ourselves. We have pictures of every step of the building process from plans. First the wooden frame and then he built the fiberglass hull and created something from nothing. He had a party when the hull was finished to flip it over. I can't remember how many guys it took to get the hull flipped from upside down to right side up in a cradle that still holds it today.. That boat moved from one driveway to another at least 3 times. That boat has never floated. It has never quite been finished and now that I am well past the age which he started it still seems like a project that needs to be finished and honestly I have no idea what it would take other than hard work.
I think about the sailing adventure and stopping along the way and meeting new people and having old friends visit me as I travel along. I have watched plenty of movies about sailing adventures and most don't end up as the sailor expects. There is always that unplanned hurricane, crashing into a cargo container or the mast breaking. These are scenes from one of those movies Brian wouldn't watch All is Lost. Now the title does kinda give away it isn't gonna be the best trip ever. But it is one of those movies that there is no dialog except for a few expletives that Robert Redford says to himself. Even though this isn't a movie about visiting lush islands and sinking barefoot into the sand as you jump off your boat on a tropical island. It is about how things can go.
In the months that have past since I started this I found a book by an author that I really liked his first book that I read Blue Highways by William Least Heat Moon. I really love travel adventures. Finding places you have never been and then going. Another thing I have in common with my dad. Since his retirement every few years there is a trip that lasts a month or so. He plans from the time one trip ends until the next starts. I am not sure which part he likes more planning or doing but when he does it he goes all in and lives the life. Well William Least Heat Moon has a newer book called River-horse about crossing the United States by boat. Trying to use rivers and interior bodies of water. I read the first chapter online the other day and ordered the book.At the beginning he speaks of his road atlas the way some would speak of their favorite book. It may be taped together but it can not be replaced.
It is like I tell Brian just because we don't know where we are we aren't lost. I love turning the corner and finding a new way to get somewhere. Maybe one day the boat will be finished and I can sail it.
Saturday, August 24, 2019
Sound of Silence
So looking for something to write about. I started one idea but got lost so erased and started over. Looking at lists of writing prompts I found the Sound of Silence. It said write about staying quiet when you wanted to shout.
At this point in my life I don't want to shout often. I try to avoid things that make me mad or situations that I don't want to be in. I prefer times enjoying the people around me. Even at these times there are times I get to where I am done with the situation but as a grown adult I have learned if I am somewhere and I don't like what is happening I can leave. And I do. Some of my family have even gotten to the point that they recognize the situation and know I am going to bow out. I am not going to be in the middle of an argument. I know some would say avoiding the situation doesn't resolve anything. No it doesn't resolve anything but neither does arguing. I will happily share my opinion and move on. I have learned to agree to disagree. Otherwise, Brian and I might not be so happily married for so many years. Brian will say that I have to be right and I do have a problem with being wrong but more because I will beat myself up than others.
An example of me being able to shout is also one of my favorite horrible stories about work when I was in my early twenty's and I had taken a camera to another store as an inter-store transfer for a friend that I lived with. He had a customer looking for a camera and my store had it. I was going to pick him up that night so I wrote out the paperwork, showed the people I was closing with what I was doing and carried it directly to his store and he called the customer and she came and picked it up. Great customer service right. Nope. I was accused of stealing this point and shoot camera. Now not only was me stealing something that would never happen. I was certainly not going to steal a point and shoot camera when I had a very expensive slr camera that I loved. The loss prevention person that was a former New York cop took me to the break room and asked me what happened and I told the truth but it didn't matter what I said. He wanted me to say I had the camera. He told me it would be ok which it never would have been. He asked me to write down what happened and I did. They asked my friend at the same time the same questions. Our stories matched. He was so efficient the customer had returned a defective camera in exchange for the one I brought him but he had already done the damages and sent them back to the warehouse. So they kept me in the break room until they were able to find the tote with the camera in it and reach the customer to verify. When I walked out of the room I said something about you aren't going to apologize for accusing me of stealing. He said, no. I replied, I will tell every person I come in contact with what has happened and I did. As a company they had thought I was a loud mouth kid and this is the perfect situation for that loud mouth to tell others how even doing the right thing you can be accused and fired for it if you can't prove it. Well I will never forget the afternoon that that same loss prevention person came up to me a few weeks later and said please stop talking about what happened. I said I will not. He didn't apologize but he did say he was wrong. I said I would like to believe your ways will change but they won't.
That is just one example of being done wrong and me standing up for myself and shouting from the top of the mountain tops to make sure it doesn't happen to someone else. Today when there is a problem at work I am more likely to give my opinion to one of the supervisors. I said the other day I wish someone would ask my opinion. He was surprised that I would want to share my opinion. Unfortunately my last job was with a person that had to be right and he didn't care the price he paid for it. At one point I would have told him why he was wrong and he would listen but it got to where he didn't care he wanted it his way. So I have become much more passive in these situations. I let the rules change and go with the fact that they will change again. I don't feel companies have their employees best interest in mind just the bottom line. So I will quietly wait until someone asks or things change again.
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Peace, Happiness and Love
So much of everything is the same. Today is the same as yesterday and tomorrow probably won't be very different. Last weekend and and again today I watched a couple episodes of a documentary about Rick Rubin and his place Shangri-La. His home, recording studio, paradise. I am not sure if it is perfection but it seems a simple life not an easy one or maybe it is? He has found a way to make it his own. The thing that interested me was that he is not a person whose music I would have been interested in but there are themes that I believe and after watching the first episode there is music he has made with people that I like. But he tells the musicians, if you are true to yourself you are successful. You may not have a top 10 gold record but you can walk away from your work and be proud of it. Today as I was watching he spoke of meditation and these musicians that come there find a inner peace that they didn't have. I don't feel like he tells them what to do but shows them. Asks questions, like do you like the way that feels? I am sure there are plenty of people that tell these artists what will sell and what won't but Rick wants you to be happy with your work. Try something you've never tried stick your neck out and at the same time look inside. On the episode I watched last week he said that is why there are one hit wonders. That passion they have when they are not making money isn't there when they try to repeat the magic. The influences are crazy and the fans that are let down when an artist can't duplicate it. They spends their whole life creating the first album but only have 2 years to get the next one out.
As I watch I feel like he is a life coach I couldn't afford to go to. For someone to tell me Jeanne, you have to be happy. This isn't like asking do you like bacon with your eggs. This is saying what makes you truly happy and do it. Unfortunately I have not yet found a way to make money at the things I love but I have never stuck my neck out to do those things either. I do them in my spare time, at home alone, at 3am. Funny how my happiness and joy from writing or photography sometimes comes through hard times. Sometimes tears in my eyes before I even take the picture. That is how you know it is good. People don't understand that sometimes letting go of the things that make me worry bring tears to my eyes to but those aren't sad tears. Sometimes they are happy ones.
Sitting here today I thought I would listen to some music from the musicians I saw on this documentary today. I found at the end that one that I was going to look up has passed away since the filming. Instead I turned on my XM radio and it was on Prime Country. Right out of the gate some Gatlin Brothers, All the Gold in California, then a Reba duet with Linda Davis Does He Loves You, then Love Me by Colin Raye if you don't know that song well the if you aren't crying listening to the words the last couple lines say "Between now and then, 'til I see you again. I'll be loving you, Love Me." When we were kids mom would leave us notes with what we needed to do around house before she got home and her signature was simply the word Love. I have always signed mine Love, Me.
Ironically this was not a word spoken in our house as kids. It was an understanding that we were loved. It was a given. We had food, clothes and lots of family. We never wanted for anything and as we grew up that is how we understood love. There weren't hugs exchanged or kisses it was the act of love that we were raised with. I didn't even know that it wasn't the way every one's family was until I got older and I remember a friend trying to hug me and I was kinda put off by this awkward showing of affection. Now as adults we have all learned how to show affection of this type but it still to me isn't all that love is. I still believe love is a verb. It is an action not a gift. Yes, a hug is an action but so spending time with a person, just visiting or talking. It is putting a roof over your head and feeding you. I know some are going to take that is being mean. It wasn't mean it was love. My favorite dad story is one from when I was very young walking down a sidewalk with my father and I tripped. He stood there and waited for me to get up. He didn't rush to grab me and wipe my knees. These two ladies were there and saw what happened and said to my dad, Aren't you going to pick her up. My dad said, She has to learn to get up on her own. I won't always be there to pick her up. I told that story in 7th grade for a project. So to each their own but I know that story is love.
I know I always say I don't know what I am writing about when I start. This blog is a free form expression of the things in my head and at the time I stop to share them. As I spend this evening listening to the music that made me I think why in the world don't we have music like this and the answer is maybe love is given easily and everyone is owed something. No one wants to do anything the hard way anymore. People don't want to wait or put in the time. The last thing I want to share from this series was that people think that when they get their gold album they will be happy but that void can't be filled like that. This is why you have to be happy with what you do.
As I watch I feel like he is a life coach I couldn't afford to go to. For someone to tell me Jeanne, you have to be happy. This isn't like asking do you like bacon with your eggs. This is saying what makes you truly happy and do it. Unfortunately I have not yet found a way to make money at the things I love but I have never stuck my neck out to do those things either. I do them in my spare time, at home alone, at 3am. Funny how my happiness and joy from writing or photography sometimes comes through hard times. Sometimes tears in my eyes before I even take the picture. That is how you know it is good. People don't understand that sometimes letting go of the things that make me worry bring tears to my eyes to but those aren't sad tears. Sometimes they are happy ones.
Sitting here today I thought I would listen to some music from the musicians I saw on this documentary today. I found at the end that one that I was going to look up has passed away since the filming. Instead I turned on my XM radio and it was on Prime Country. Right out of the gate some Gatlin Brothers, All the Gold in California, then a Reba duet with Linda Davis Does He Loves You, then Love Me by Colin Raye if you don't know that song well the if you aren't crying listening to the words the last couple lines say "Between now and then, 'til I see you again. I'll be loving you, Love Me." When we were kids mom would leave us notes with what we needed to do around house before she got home and her signature was simply the word Love. I have always signed mine Love, Me.
Ironically this was not a word spoken in our house as kids. It was an understanding that we were loved. It was a given. We had food, clothes and lots of family. We never wanted for anything and as we grew up that is how we understood love. There weren't hugs exchanged or kisses it was the act of love that we were raised with. I didn't even know that it wasn't the way every one's family was until I got older and I remember a friend trying to hug me and I was kinda put off by this awkward showing of affection. Now as adults we have all learned how to show affection of this type but it still to me isn't all that love is. I still believe love is a verb. It is an action not a gift. Yes, a hug is an action but so spending time with a person, just visiting or talking. It is putting a roof over your head and feeding you. I know some are going to take that is being mean. It wasn't mean it was love. My favorite dad story is one from when I was very young walking down a sidewalk with my father and I tripped. He stood there and waited for me to get up. He didn't rush to grab me and wipe my knees. These two ladies were there and saw what happened and said to my dad, Aren't you going to pick her up. My dad said, She has to learn to get up on her own. I won't always be there to pick her up. I told that story in 7th grade for a project. So to each their own but I know that story is love.
I know I always say I don't know what I am writing about when I start. This blog is a free form expression of the things in my head and at the time I stop to share them. As I spend this evening listening to the music that made me I think why in the world don't we have music like this and the answer is maybe love is given easily and everyone is owed something. No one wants to do anything the hard way anymore. People don't want to wait or put in the time. The last thing I want to share from this series was that people think that when they get their gold album they will be happy but that void can't be filled like that. This is why you have to be happy with what you do.
Saturday, July 13, 2019
I am ok
I find it sometimes funny how life is going along and then I am smacked in the face (figuratively of course). But in that moment I go from cruising along to worrisome mode. Now for people that don't see me everyday they may be concerned that this is my usual state. It is just as fast that my way will be found out of the funk and back to smooth sailing. I just don't know when the moment is coming and I sure don't know where it ends. That would make life simpler if I could say well if I get through Tuesday I will be good. I couldn't do that with my period I guess I shouldn't be able to do it with anything else either. Funny 20 years ago I wouldn't have shared that but it doesn't matter. I feel like today whatever I can share of my life that makes someone else look at theirs and say I got this. It is all worth it. It won't make my life easier not sharing and it doesn't make anyone else's life easier really just a little hope that we can do this. Well these things that cause the worry and sadness are just everyday things that happen in life. They just kinda roll up together and all of a sudden I was fine and now I am not.
I still think the same positive thoughts they just sometimes lose out to the little guy on my shoulder going are you kidding Jeanne. It ain't turning out your way. Look at this way. Some sort of surprise or grief or loss of some sort starts this ball and it truly can be anything just as it could be anything that rights this boat and gets it back on course.
An example: Last year Brian and I were flying to North Carolina for his mother's birthday. The whole day I was just think it is going to be ok Jeanne. But it didn't matter as much as I thought it there was some other part of my brain that was going no it isn't. So the weather was terrible and the sky as we got closer to Asheville was really dark and we circled and circled and in a split second the pilot floored it and we were not landing. My entire body sighed in relief as we flew away from there. Next thing we here the pilot say we have been diverted and are heading to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I was like cool. Never been. I am pretty sure I was the only person on the plane not upset that we didn't land as we should. Now this diversion cost us about 3 hours and they gave us a drink and gassed up the plane and when the weather cleared we were back to Asheville. We got to Brian's parent's house just before 9pm and I was happy as a clam. It was the first time I had ever noticed the switch from worrying and ok so quick. I am sure some shrink has a technical term for what happened. A chemical shift in my brain but it was that quick and the not worrying stuck for quite a while.
Just a weird thing that happens that I feel like I am the only one in the world it happens to or maybe just the only one that notices it happening.
So as they say this to shall pass. Hopefully soon. I just start doing all the things that help me to feel better and one day I will not be worrying so much soon. Until then I just remind myself that I am ok.
I still think the same positive thoughts they just sometimes lose out to the little guy on my shoulder going are you kidding Jeanne. It ain't turning out your way. Look at this way. Some sort of surprise or grief or loss of some sort starts this ball and it truly can be anything just as it could be anything that rights this boat and gets it back on course.
An example: Last year Brian and I were flying to North Carolina for his mother's birthday. The whole day I was just think it is going to be ok Jeanne. But it didn't matter as much as I thought it there was some other part of my brain that was going no it isn't. So the weather was terrible and the sky as we got closer to Asheville was really dark and we circled and circled and in a split second the pilot floored it and we were not landing. My entire body sighed in relief as we flew away from there. Next thing we here the pilot say we have been diverted and are heading to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I was like cool. Never been. I am pretty sure I was the only person on the plane not upset that we didn't land as we should. Now this diversion cost us about 3 hours and they gave us a drink and gassed up the plane and when the weather cleared we were back to Asheville. We got to Brian's parent's house just before 9pm and I was happy as a clam. It was the first time I had ever noticed the switch from worrying and ok so quick. I am sure some shrink has a technical term for what happened. A chemical shift in my brain but it was that quick and the not worrying stuck for quite a while.
Just a weird thing that happens that I feel like I am the only one in the world it happens to or maybe just the only one that notices it happening.
So as they say this to shall pass. Hopefully soon. I just start doing all the things that help me to feel better and one day I will not be worrying so much soon. Until then I just remind myself that I am ok.
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