Peace, Happiness and Love

So much of everything is the same. Today is the same as yesterday and tomorrow probably won't be very different. Last weekend and and again today I watched a couple episodes of a documentary about Rick Rubin and his place Shangri-La. His home, recording studio, paradise. I am not sure if it is perfection but it seems a simple life not an easy one or maybe it is? He has found a way to make it his own. The thing that interested me was that he is not a person whose music I would have been interested in but there are themes that I believe and after watching the first episode there is music he has made with people that I like. But he tells the musicians, if you are true to yourself you are successful. You may not have a top 10 gold record but you can walk away from your work and be proud of it. Today as I was watching he spoke of meditation and these musicians that come there find a inner peace that they didn't have. I don't feel like he tells them what to do but shows them. Asks questions, like do you like the way that feels? I am sure there are plenty of people that tell these artists what will sell and what won't but Rick wants you to be happy with your work. Try something you've never tried stick your neck out and at the same time look inside. On the episode I watched last week he said that is why there are one hit wonders. That passion they have when they are not making money isn't there when they try to repeat the magic. The influences are crazy and the fans that are let down when an artist can't duplicate it. They spends their whole life creating the first album but only have 2 years to get the next one out.

 As I watch I feel like he is a life coach I couldn't afford to go to. For someone to tell me Jeanne, you have to be happy. This isn't like asking do you like bacon with your eggs. This is saying what makes you truly happy and do it. Unfortunately I have not yet found a way to make money at the things I love but I have never stuck my neck out to do those things either. I do them in my spare time, at home alone, at 3am. Funny how my happiness and joy from writing or photography sometimes comes through hard times. Sometimes tears in my eyes before I even take the picture. That is how you know it is good. People don't understand that sometimes letting go of the things that make me worry bring tears to my eyes to but those aren't sad tears. Sometimes they are happy ones.

Sitting here today I thought I would listen to some music from the musicians I saw on this documentary today. I found at the end that one that I was going to look up has passed away since the filming.  Instead I turned on my XM radio and it was on Prime Country. Right out of the gate some Gatlin Brothers, All the Gold in California, then a Reba duet with Linda Davis Does He Loves You, then Love Me by Colin Raye if you don't know that song well the if you aren't crying listening to the words the last couple lines say "Between now and then, 'til I see you again. I'll be loving you, Love Me." When we were kids mom would leave us notes with what we needed to do around house before she got home and her signature was simply the word Love. I have always signed mine Love, Me.

Ironically this was not a word spoken in our house as kids. It was an understanding that we were loved. It was a given. We had food, clothes and lots of family. We never wanted for anything and as we grew up that is how we understood love. There weren't hugs exchanged or kisses it was the act of love that we were raised with. I didn't even know that it wasn't the way every one's family was until I got older and I remember a friend trying to hug me and I was kinda put off by this awkward showing of affection. Now as adults we have all learned how to show affection of this type but it still to me isn't all that love is. I still believe love is a verb. It is an action not a gift. Yes, a hug is an action but so spending time with a person, just visiting or talking. It is putting a roof over your head and feeding you. I know some are going to take that is being mean. It wasn't mean it was love. My favorite dad story is one from when I was very young walking down a sidewalk with my father and I tripped. He stood there and waited for me to get up. He didn't rush to grab me and wipe my knees. These two ladies were there and saw what happened and said to my dad, Aren't you going to pick her up. My dad said, She has to learn to get up on her own. I won't always be there to pick her up. I told that story in 7th grade for a project.  So to each their own but I know that story is love.

I know I always say I don't know what I am writing about when I start. This blog is a free form expression of the things in my head and at the time I stop to share them. As I spend this evening listening to the music that made me I think why in the world don't we have music like this and the answer is maybe love is given easily and everyone is owed something. No one wants to do anything the hard way anymore. People don't want to wait or put in the time. The last thing I want to share from this series was that people think that when they get their gold album they will be happy but that void can't be filled like that. This is why you have to be happy with what you do.

I am ok

I find it sometimes funny how life is going along and then I am smacked in the face (figuratively of course). But in that moment I go from cruising along to worrisome mode. Now for people that don't see me everyday they may be concerned that this is my usual state. It is just as fast that my way will be found out of the funk and back to smooth sailing. I just don't know when the moment is coming and I sure don't know where it ends. That would make life simpler if I could say well if I get through Tuesday I will be good. I couldn't do that with my period I guess I shouldn't be able to do it with anything else either. Funny 20 years ago I wouldn't have shared that but it doesn't matter. I feel like today whatever I can share of my life that makes someone else look at theirs and say I got this. It is all worth it. It won't make my life easier not sharing and it doesn't make anyone else's life easier really just a little hope that we can do this.  Well these things that cause the worry and sadness are just everyday things that happen in life. They just kinda roll up together and all of a sudden I was fine and now I am not.

I still think the same positive thoughts they just sometimes lose out to the little guy on my shoulder going are you kidding Jeanne. It ain't turning out your way. Look at this way. Some sort of surprise or grief or loss of some sort starts this ball and it truly can be anything just as it could be anything that rights this boat and gets it back on course.

An example: Last year Brian and I were flying to North Carolina for his mother's birthday. The whole day I was just think it is going to be ok Jeanne. But it didn't matter as much as I thought it there was some other part of my brain that was going no it isn't. So the weather was terrible and the sky as we got closer to Asheville was really dark and we circled and circled and in a split second the pilot floored it and we were not landing. My entire body sighed in relief as we flew away from there. Next thing we here the pilot say we have been diverted and are heading to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I was like cool. Never been. I am pretty sure I was the only person on the plane not upset that we didn't land as we should. Now this diversion cost us about 3 hours and they gave us a drink and gassed up the plane and when the weather cleared we were back to Asheville. We got to Brian's parent's house just before 9pm and I was happy as a clam. It was the first time I had ever noticed the switch from worrying and ok so quick. I am sure some shrink has a technical term for what happened. A chemical shift in my brain but it was that quick and the not worrying stuck for quite a while.

Just a weird thing that happens that I feel like I am the only one in the world it happens to or maybe just the only one that notices it happening.

So as they say this to shall pass. Hopefully soon. I just start doing all the things that help me to feel better and one day I will not be worrying so much soon. Until then I just remind myself that I am ok.

Grand Opening

Tonight I was thinking that this week has been a lot of Sunshine even though it has rained a lot. This Blog started out at a very sad time in my life and it helped me live with the sadness and pain I carried. I have always found it ironic I write more when I am sad or mad then I do when life is good. So today's post is to say I am thankful for the good times. The times that go by that I am not dwelling on yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. I am busy working on today.

In the last year and a half I have been volunteering for the Clearwater Historical Society. I signed up at a Fish Fry and thought it would get me out of the house and maybe I would enjoy it and meet some new people. Well. I started a few weeks later with a lady named Susan at South Ward Elementary School sorting through boxes of items that have been packed away in Plumb House on MLK Jr or Greenwood as I prefer to call the road. I have always had a tie to the Plumb House indirectly I dated a Plumb when I was in high school. I remember in their house in Dunedin was a framed poster of the Plumb House. 

George Washington portrait in kids corner

After mom passed away we had so many items that were related to Clearwater that we felt we should give them to someone to preserve them. My sister Billie and I dropped off multiple boxes at the Plumb House to people I now know to be Lila and Buddy who have spent countless hours along with Susan and I and many more sorting through items and boxes at the South Ward School. The historical society has had a lease with the Pinellas County School Board for a few years and with the help of donations and grants they rehabilitated the original school building from 1906 and tomorrow we are going to have our grand opening. I started a couple days a week a few hours before work and one of my days off. Brought some more items and cataloged items my family donated. I know to some they are just old things but to me they are memories. Tomorrow we at the Clearwater Historical Society will start sharing these memories with other residents and visitors in beautifully restored building. 

Wednesday night we had a party with a Who's Who of Clearwater and the turn out was great. It is the middle of June and people were visiting outside with each other and checking out the displays inside. Displays showing off businesses of days gone by. Some everyone will know and others I had never heard of. We also have school displays covering over 100 years of schools. I am anxious to share my story about the camphor tree on Gulf to Bay near US 19. On Wednesday night there were two ladies that were standing near my tree story and I started talking to them and let them know that I wrote the info on the tree and it's history. One of the ladies wanted to fact check me and was pleasantly pleased that I did my homework. The other after talking for a minute we realized she knew my mom. She read my story and loved the voice of the tree telling the story. My heart was so happy.

Paul working the sign in table for Grand Opening

That afternoon when I was leaving in the rain after working as long as I could, I crossed Fort Harrison on Turner one of the older houses on the right I spotted a white egret and anytime I see a egret I think of mom. So as exhausted as I was the tears started rolling down my face wishing I could share this with her. I don't know if she was still living she would have parted with some of the items we did but as my nephew Paul and I walked in the museum on Wednesday night I said, see that George Washington picture over there it came out of North Ward. Your grandma took it home when the school was going to throw it out. That picture spent years in a closet that we only saw when digging through the closet. Paul reminded me that yes, I had told him that before. I said, grandma would be proud. When my oldest niece was young grandma wanted to teach her that some things were sentimental. That was probably a big word for a Kindergartner getting picked up by grandma but it has been a running joke ever since. Someday soon I will start teaching her daughter words like that.

Grand Opening visitors

Days have passed so I am going to finish this post we had our Grand Opening, and it was a hit. We had hundreds of people in the museum. Seemed like all at once. I greeted people as they arrived along with Paul and heard their kind words of encouragement as they left. Most pleasantly surprised that the City of Clearwater now has a museum we can call our own. I am so glad that I signed up to volunteer that day. That was me sticking my neck way past my comfort zone and no matter how tired I am I love every minute of it.

Hard Times

Today I was thinking about a time that most would find to be very difficult but looking back it was so rewarding.

Back in 2011 I worked for a guy who thought he knew it all and I have quite often been accused of knowing it all as well. After 7 years he decided he knew way more than me and could do it better without me. I tried to make sense of a person that honestly a PHD  would study for years and not be able to make much more sense of him but this isn't about him. It never is.

This is about my favorite time in my unemployment. I have always thought that people that are unemployed should do something more productive than watch Oprah and Judge Judy and I had never watched these shows before I wasn't going to start now. I decided I would make myself productive and volunteer at my nephew's school. I did lots of things I enjoyed that year, I worked in the library and I would eat lunch with my nephew which then turned into tutoring other kids in math during their lunch time. I got to play teacher and bring pencils and erasers and give them away like bars of gold to kids that solved problems they couldn't the week before.

Kids enjoyed my math lunch table so much they would bring their friends and we sat outside in the sun and did flash cards and solved all kinds of problems. I wish I could remember some of the names like I remember their faces and their stories. One told me of her illegal parents and how she was scared of being sent to a place she had never lived. These kids all had a place in my heart and I was the proudest volunteer when they would tell me how they got a 100 on a quiz. But there was this little girl that moved me the most. She was horrible at math. She couldn't add or subtract and not even counting on her fingers. She was always distracting everyone and she climbed on me like she had never gotten any attention before in her life and I was the only one that ever noticed her. The teacher told me one day as I tried to figure out how to get this little girl to focus on what we were doing that if she was too big of a distraction that we could remove her and add another child that would behave better. I said the words before I even thought about them. I would sooner give up all the others because she is the one that needs my help.

That day I watched her and what she did and again an epiphany of sorts. I watched her look under the table I assumed at her fingers to try to figure out the problem. I immediately said, show me your work. The kids all looked at me like what is she talking about. I said, if you are going to count on your fingers I need to see your work. So from that day on no one ever hid their hands under the table when they counted on their fingers and we started from scratch and that little girl learned to not only count on her fingers but to add and subtract. I remember her hugging me one day on the way to lunch telling me that she only missed one on her math test. I had never been more proud of myself or probably not since. Like I said I don't know her name but since I thought of her this morning I thought she is probably about 16 years old now and I hope that that year that I was unemployed it was not punishment for me not doing a good job it was actually the opportunity for me to work with some great kids for a short time and maybe I made a difference in some of their lives as they did for me.

Female Problems

I always think it is strange that some things I can share here that I can't speak of in person. Sometimes it is easier here because I can pause and cry and re-think what I am trying to say that when I am looking someone in the face it is much harder to explain.So the hurricane last September was not the only storm that I survived last year. I turned 50 and thought that I was well on my way to menopause which the Doctor told me I was right on track.  But this storm I have fought a lot longer. This one is inside of me and even though the pain has been very real there are no outside signs of my pain. There is no bruise or cast that I have worn but there are scars.

I have battled female problems for years. At first it was just bad periods and infertility. I make it sound like that wasn't a lot but the periods were pretty bad and the infertility well that don't go away easily. After Brian and I were married in 1998 we wanted to have kids. I thought we would have kids but we had already lived together 5 years and as hard as it is to put into writing I lost a baby I didn't know I had. I don't remember the date or the year but I know the feeling of not knowing why the pain hurt so bad for my period. I must be one of the most naive women in the world. After the fact I realized what it was I had just been through. That morning I sat on the couch having what my body was trying to tell me were some sort of contractions. My brain doesn't listen very well to my body. For the most part I have always fought the pain and stood up to the tiredness. In 2011 I paid the price for ignoring my bodies signs with the help of a wonderful Doctor. I had to have a blood transfusion.

After the transfusion I felt really good and couldn't remember feeling that good in a long time. It was like a miracle. A few days after the transfusion I had so much energy. The Doctor told me to never let myself feel that bad again. Not to long after that I had a procedure called and ablation to hopefully lessen the severity of my periods which it did for years. This to me was the sign that there would never be children which was a really hard pill to swallow. I have mourned for children I never had. Which is hard to explain to a woman that just wishes she had 5 minutes to herself.  And as of last year I thought I was going to make it to menopause my Doctor said she felt I was right on track to  be normal for that stage. Well, like I said in the beginning the hurricane was not the only storm I survived. My abnormal periods have been more and more abnormal. Lasting 3 or 4 weeks and worrying me that I was going to again need another transfusion. So I visited the Doctor again and after a biopsy and a ultrasound. She told me that I really need to have a DNC so that she can see what is going on inside me. I think how ironic that I don't want to loose a part of me that I have never had a use for.

In most women a uterus bares children as well as pain. Mine has only bared me pain. So why would I want to keep this appendix of my female organs. Because for some reason my brain says well God put it there for a reason. Sometimes I think the reason I had one was not for the children part but to share the pain I have bared. Like I said at the beginning I have a hard time sharing some of this face to face but if someone comes to me and expresses a problem related I will be more than happy to share that I have survived what they are going through. I once told a women that had a miscarriage it is a club you don't know exists until you belong. Lots of women belong and again there is no mark on the outside that shows what she has been through. The scars are on the inside. Sometimes it will show as tears on the face of a woman at a baby shower or a child's birthday party.  Sometimes it is an inappropriate remark that she didn't mean to hurt anyone but since no one knows how she struggles with her own pain it is hard to express both the pain and the remorse for the untimely remarks.

A few weeks after the DNC back for a follow up and it became a pre-op visit for a hysterectomy. Everything from the DNC was benign but... but the doctor couldn't see everything and there is still a chance that there could be cancer. Well that is really all you had to say and even my scared stiff self knows that the hysterectomy is the way to go. I know some of you have anxiety and let me tell you at this moment this day mine was on high alert but if the doctor you go to is worth their salt and mine is. She sat there and held my hand literally until I understood what I needed and we had a date. 5 days later. Well there is no point putting it off. I have already paid my insurance deductible for the year and why worry any longer.

So I have 5 days to prepare for a surgery that will take me 4 weeks to recover from and Christmas and everything else. Well there were no Christmas tree or decorations last year between the two procedures I just didn't have it in me. But surprisingly I wasn't scared. The anesthesiologist the month before had made me get clearance from a cardiologist so I really wasn't worrying about anything but getting my Christmas shopping done in the next couple days and asking for the time off from work.

The day of the surgery I was at the hospital bright and early and the doctor came in and assured me that all was going to be fine. She said she would see me in the morning and if all was good and it will be I will be able to go home before lunch.

Well surgery went well and I remember waking up as I was in the elevator on the way to my room. I was pleasantly surprised to be in a room by myself. I heard Brian talking to my friend Lisa as I woke up. I was feeling pretty good considering. I remember the nurse explaining about the button for the pain medicine that I could push when I needed it. She asked what is your pain level on a scale of one to ten. I was almost embarrassed to say 3 maybe... Well after a few hours she said are you going to need that pain medicine. I said, I don't think so. I am not saying this didn't hurt at all. Just saying I have had worse periods then this surgery pain wise. I ate late because no one brought me my glasses and I couldn't read the menu without them. But after eating I rested and watched the tv channel with the classical music and pretty scenery. I was up early in the morning catheter out and sitting up in the chair already eating breakfast when the doctor walked in around 6am. We talked about things and my grossly over sized uterus and she said if I go to the bathroom and eat a little more I was good to go home. We talked about the level of pain and laughed. She said, she didn't want to say anything ahead of time but she had a feeling that my pain would be nothing compared to what my periods had been. I was in no rush but she got things going that by the time Brian got there before lunch I was eating and ready to go.

Those first couple weeks no driving, no lifting and rest. So I followed her directions and hung around the house watching Hallmark movies between Christmas and New Years and next thing I know I was on my way to the doctor for my first follow up appointment.

Now it has been a year since then and strangely I still have not gotten rid of all the paraphernalia that comes along with that time of the month but I can safely get rid of it now. I did stop loosing weight and have gained back 10 of the 40 pounds I had lost. But this year is get back on track and loose the next 40 pounds. I am glad I had a doctor that understood my pain and my anxiety. If it wasn't for her I may still be suffering with pain and who knows what other issues we avoided since I took her advice.

I can't say that I always follow the doctors instructions but I do listen and since she took the time to explain the whole thing and not sugar coat any of it. It all went well. Again big thanks to Dr. Jennifer Hayes.

Happy 20th Anniversary

Today is Brian and my 20th Anniversary being married and 25 years we have lived together. In the summer of 1993 I was 26 years old and he was 22. God we were so young. For those of you that don't know the story it is kinda cute. One of my best friends was the store manager of the Eckerd store on the beach and I stopped in to visit and to show her my new kittens I had just taken by the vet to have checked out and she introduced me to this new guy in the break room. As soon as he said his name I said, "you have a brother don't you?" Brian couldn't believe I knew his brother from band in middle school Then I remember I said something wise and he had a smart remark back and I said, finally you hired someone that can give me a run for my money. Who knew that 25 years later I would be sitting here reminiscing? A few weeks later was his birthday and we went out and played darts at Eddie;s in Dunedin. Cooter's on the beach opened and we went there for a date. The first movie we ever saw together was "The Nightmare before Christmas", Every year at Halloween when the movie is on TV we joke about that.  Later I saw a picture of him not too long before we met and I couldn't believe he had one of those rat tail things young guys had back then. I teased that I never would have looked at him twice if he had that thing and he said that my friend told him to loose it before he started to work and just the day before I met him he had cut it off.I call it Fate.

Now life has a funny way of working out. Here is a guy that we joke with each other that we each were the one that knew first that we would be together forever. We used to love to play darts together and one of my favorite dart stories was one night we were out at a Sports bar and we were waiting to play a game of darts and there were two guys playing and they were teasing each other and one guy said to the other that he played like a girl. Brian in is quick wit said,"you want to be beat by a girl?" We played doubles against those two guys and we beat them. Makes me smile even tonight thinking of the fun we have when we are together.

Another funny story was when I cooked for Brian the first time. One night when he got off work I made dinner. Just a pork chop, stuffing and gravy. I always joke all it took was one pork chop and I had him. But not to sell Brian short he cooked for me also. The first meal he cooked for me was homemade beef and pasta. like Beefaroni but better. Because he made it. I took a picture of him that night and it has sat on my dresser ever since. A few years back he was cooking for me again and again I took the same shot of him all these years later. Love any dinner made for me.

In the fall of 1993 Brian's roommate moved out and he was in need of a place to live and I had a spare room in the house. So with the help of some friends he moved in. Brian used to call David my current roommate back then, the good roommate. David was handy and paid his rent and well that is the best kind of roommate to have. But not long after Brian moved in David moved out. It was the whole 3rd wheel thing even though I think neither of us were willing to admit that might be the case.

The more we got to know each other the more he was around my family and he didn't have any family that lived close and one of the first things I insisted on us doing was planning a trip to visit his parents. Family has always been important and I wanted it to be important for him as well. We went the next January and had a great visit with his parents and grand parents and his brother and his wife and their little boy that was turning a year old. We took a picture of the men of his family 4 generations and last year when that same nephew graduated from the Air Force Flight School we did the same picture again just short one generation. But still great to get together with family his or mine.

I could walk down memory lane for 25 years worth good times and bad. There is something there that I don't completely understand because no matter what happens the worst day with him is better than the best day without him. No matter what we have been through and we have been through stuff but when I look next to me there he is and I wouldn't dream of it being any other way.

In our 25 years together we probably haven't spent 30 nights apart. Those are the nights I know how much I appreciate him. How important he is. Unfortunately in 25 years we have had a lot of nights sitting across from each other mindlessly watching TV. Maybe that is what happens as two people become so comfortable together that they are just  content to be together.

Now today Brian and I had a visit from his best friend and Best Man who always remembers my marriage advice.  As I told Brian early on that Love isn't the key. The main thing you need is to be able to tolerate each other. Because lots of girls had told him that they loved him but they aren't still here and why you ask because they didn't tolerate him. That thing that someone does that you are with that you want to spend the rest of your life with. That thing that if they do it one more time you will scream. Know that that thing could happen every day for the rest of your life. If you can tolerate that then that is what Love is.

So as I have said before. I tolerate you Brian til death do us part. And I hope we have at least 25 more years of holding hands and smiling at things that only we smile at and annoying each other in ways that only we can because only we have been together long enough to know the thing you know "That thing".

I just wanted to take this time to tell you that I will always choose you.

Love you Babe.

Happy Anniversary.

Hiding Places

I was trying to think of something to write about tonight and I thought I would look at a writing prompt website. 365 ideas and I scanned and found one that caught my eye. Hiding Places.

Write about places you like to hide things. Well to me I know that even though I don't have many that read the things I write I didn't really need to write down my favorite places to hide things. The other option was places you hid as a child.

That reminded me of a rainy day when I was maybe 7 years old. My siblings were going on a bike ride but I didn't want to go. They were just going around the block so my mom left me home alone. Now that seems strange but by the time I was 10 our parents were leaving the 5 of us home alone on their date night Friday night. We would bake the frozen fried chicken in the oven and sit on the couch and watch tv and eat our fried chicken. Wow we were lucky to survive our childhood.

But back to the day home alone just for a few minutes. It probably took mom longer to get the others on their bikes than it would for them to go for a ride and be back home. I am guessing but it was probably summer time and the time passed and I was playing in the living room by myself and the next thing I know it had started raining. I thought they will be home any minute. Any minute at all...

Then the biggest crack of lightning and it seemed to come right through the living room window and through the house. That was it. No more waiting. I ran next door to Mrs. Brown's house. Mrs.Brown was a very nice lady with the greenest thumb. She had a beautiful vine of passion flowers. She would be home she was always home. Her husband Mr. Brown was not well and she took care of him. So I knocked on the door and told her what had happened and she said, "come in and I will get you some ice cream until your mom gets home." I ate that whole bowl of ice cream and we watched tv and then my mom came to the door and said, "she had been looking all over for me and she hoped that I had come to her house. Mrs. Brown told her I was right in the living room and was fine. She told mom about the lightning and mom told her how as they were riding bikes it started raining and that they stopped at a neighbors house and stood in the garage to wait out the rain. Mom said that when they got home and couldn't find me the first place she looked was under my bed because she said when I was scared I would take our dog Tiger and hide under the bed when I was little. Mom thanked Mrs. Brown and we went back home. I don't know why over 40 years later I have always remembered that story. If it was the kindness of Mrs. Brown or how scared I was when I saw that lightning. I do recall that when I was younger that I would hide under the bed with the dog when people would come to the house. Mom would say that I was so shy. Funny. I haven't fit under a bed for many, many years but am not much different from that little girl even today.

Well I kinda like this writing prompt thing. A good story gets told ad I got to write a little.